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How to I begin.... Last week, Friday, I stayed in with my boyfriend. I had the best time ever with him, he makes me laugh and I can really be myself with him. I remember thinking how lucky I am to be with him and how I felt like he could really be part of my future. He is perfectly made for me and supportive unlike many of my exes. The next night, out of nowhere, I felt my head literally clicked off. And he stood in front of me and a thought crossed my head ..."am i losing feelings for him?” I quickly tried to shake off that thought because of course that not possible, it was just the day before where I felt like the luckiest girl ever and was so happy with him, with us. I felt not myself after that day, and every day since it has gotten worse. On Monday, a couple days after the initial thought, I had a panic attack. Before that panic attack happened I was thinking about "What if I lost feelings for him, then I would have to end it, and I would hurt him, and I don’t want to end it because I want him in my life, and how if I ended it I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else because he is the one I want and I will end up alone and he will have to start over" While all these thoughts crossed my head, my heart rate increased, I had a hard time breathing, I ended up getting a massive headache, my eyes began to hurt, I just could not relax. I though, imp just getting sick from something. But ever since that day things got worse for me. Every day, all day I would have obsessive thoughts about what if I lost feelings for him and what would happen. I felt guilty for having those feelings so I would try to suppress it which I think gave me more anxieties. These obsessive thoughts give me headaches every time, the minute it crosses my head. Even when I am distracted with something, I would have this heavy feeling in my chest and my head and I would start thinking about what’s going through my head obsessively again. It’s like my mind and body wouldn’t let me forget that something wasn’t right with me or my situation. I would try to find reasons why I was not feeling myself anymore. I got obsessed with finding a reason to what was going on with me. I did not want to accept in my head that I had just simply didn’t feel for him anymore. And when I would try to convince myself that I just don’t feel him anywhere another thought in my head would fight it. And so I would end up with two conflicting ideas and I would just feel crazy and tired. Other changes vie noticed since the panic attack was that I was always tired, but had a hard time sleeping, I have random aches and pains, lack of sex drive, I feel nothing or anxious nothing else, I get a grossed out feeling when I think about my dad and my boyfriend, I don’t want to see my family, I don’t want to hang with my friends, I avoid my neighbors so I don’t have to have small talk,. I don’t want to have to talk to people and be pleasant; I want to kind of be alone BUT at the same time I feeling lonely all the time even when people are with me. I feel like I have to force myself to enjoy what imp doing or enjoying people. Even at times when I am having a good time and I am laughing my mind quickly reminds me that I’m not feeling right. I am convinced that I am depressed. I’ve been before. But my concern is am I depressed because I’m worried to lose feelings for my boyfriends, or am I depressed and it’s causing me to lose feelings for my boyfriend. It’s been a week since I’ve dealt with this. I’m confused my issues obviously circle around the fear of losing feelings for my boyfriend and not having him in my life anymore, but I always miss him, and I look at him and have fond loving feelings for him. I crave his attention and affection (not sexually). I think about how awesome everything was before my mind turned off and I miss those days. I’ve told him what’s been going on, and he has never dealt or known anyone who has dealt with depression. He is confused because our relationship was going so well then out of nowhere I changed and seem unhappy. He is usually very supportive but he is withdrawing from me I assume b.c this is hard for him too and it’s difficult to give me the attention I need when he has to help himself too. It makes me sad that I am doing this to him. I love him, I know I do, I want a future with him and he is what I want in my life. But I am afraid of a couple things- 1... That my depression is causing me to have delusional thoughts about how I feel about him 2... That how I feel about him is what actually caused the depression 3. That maybe I really don’t feel for him and im just trying to fight what im really feeling (but this doesn’t make sense because I was the happiest I’ve ever been the day before my mind turned off) 4- that I will always feel like this no matter who I’m with If anyone here has experiences this before please let me know. Tell me, for you was it just depression and it did cause irrational thoughts, or did you get depressed because you did stop feeling for them and you were just fighting it, did the issue get resolved and how? I need insight, this is the first time I’ve ever joined and posted on one of these things. I’m looking for any answers. Really feel like I’m going crazy and so desperate for answers. It’s like my mind wont rest till I find an alternative answer that doesn’t involve me ending it with the man I love. -
how can i come out to anyone as being anything if i cant admit to myself what i am? if i don't even know what i am? am i a lesbian or am i bisexual? honestly, i am afraid of being a lesbian. i'm afraid of the implications, what that would mean for me, how that would change my life. the things i would lose, the people i would hurt in the process, the lives that would be turned upside down. but then again, i am attracted to women. i have been since i was in preschool, before i even knew that the word lesbian existed. i know it as sure as i know that the sun will rise tomorrow, i've never denied it, its who i am. but i can't ever say 100% that i am not attracted to men. i just don't want to have sex with them. i don't know why that is, i never had a problem thinking of men in a sexual way but i cant help but feel disgusted by having a sexual relationship with a man. i have loved men in the past, felt the comfort and happiness that comes from being held by the person you love. they turn me on and i think i enjoy being kissed, or massaged but after that, i feel like throwing up. i don't know how much of my attraction to men is based on this need to be "normal", because in earnest, i want to be bisexual. it gives me a way out. it means i never have to admit to liking women, i get to have my cake and eat it. but i'm so confused now, and its messing up my life. the more i try to accept that my attraction to men may be superficial, the more something inside me tries to keep screams that i am making a bad decision, that i will regret this, the more i keep putting myself in unhealthy relationships with men to try and prove that i am bisexual. its turning into a miserable cycle that i don't know how to break.
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I thank you in advance to those who are willing to read my whole story. I don't know where to turn to anymore, and I feel like I just need to let myself vent. So, here goes... Basically, I feel like a total **** up. I've been depressed and suicidal for about a year or two now (to be honest, I don't know how long. But that's just a really rough guess). And the most ****ed up thing is, I have no reason to be sad at all. I have a loving family, a few good close friends, and I have everything I need to live amply. No hardships. I did have a little rough patch during my first two years in high school (I was really fat and ugly, and people teased me about it. And having no friends at the time didn't help. Felt like school was hell on earth everyday. But now, I lost some weight and look average, but still chubby). At times, I've acted like a completely spoiled brat to my family, and a really shallow person to my friends (criticising how their life isn't as cool or not having a girlfriend or not having any friends, but in reality they do.) Basically, I feel like a narcissit and really selfish. Constantly comparing my life with other peoples. Wishing I was someone else all the time. Feeling really concieted. Always wanting instant gratification, never thinking ahead or thinking hard about things. Not caring about ANYTHING or ANYONE anymore. And I want to stop being like this, change myself. I'm only 18, but I've already messed up so many relationships and friendships in my life. The most recent **** up is the one person I've met that i really connected with. She was one of the closest friends I've had: We basically had everything in common. She was everything I was looking for in a girl, in a person. We pretty much liked the same things: We were gamers, anime lovers, same imagination, same sense of humour, and we were both attracted to each other's looks (most normal people wouldn't even give a second glance at). I felt like we were what we were both looking for in a mate. And she felt the same way towards me. When we were hanging out, I was the happiest I've ever been in a long time. I really felt like we could be ourselves with each other, and not worry about what we thought of each other. Then we dated, but it didn't work out at all. Said she only saw me as a best friend in the end (we've only known each other for 3 months, dated for 1). "It felt like once I had you, the feelings were gone." She says I did nothing wrong, but I felt like I contributed towards the downward spiral of our relationship, our friendship. I felt like I shouldn't have dived right into dating with her. That I should've first let the friendship develop. That I shouldn't have indirectly told her I loved her after the second date (I said something about her loving something, and she responded with "But don't you love that too?" And I said "not as much as other people." And she responded with that she only cared about me a lot.) Then for some reason, about 2 weeks in while we were dating I started to have these insecure jealous feelings whenever she hung out with other people other than me. When we first started seeing each other, I had no problems with it at all. But then when she mentioned about seeing one of her ex's even though she told me she couldn't hang out with anyone cuz of her dad visiting, I kind of blew up. Texted her saying I thought you couldn't hang out with other people, and she responded with it was only for 1 second, and it wasn't worth mentioning. Then I sent her a video expressing how beautiful she was to me (beautiful by wayne brady). She first said thank you for the video. But then I told her I really felt that way towards her and she replied with "lol, so soon?" I asked her if it was a bad thing but she said "no, it's just I don't want you to change your feelings towards me." Ultimately, this led to her breaking up with me a few weeks later. I was mature about it, but devastated. She wanted to remain friends, but told me to give it some time. I didn't listen. The next day, I asked for her back. I thought she was afraid to love again because of her first love that really broke her heart (her first BF was someone like me, and they were even planning on getting married. But in the end, he broke it off.) And of course, that didn't work out so well. But then I really blew up, indirectly telling her FRIENDS on facebook that she was a liar and manipulator (she lied to me about the real reason why we broke up, but I soon saw that she was just trying to let me down easy). That's not all. I used my mom's facebook account to apologise to her through messaging, giving her all these bulls*** excuses of why I acted the way I did. In the end, I still blamed her and ultimately she blocked both of our accounts. And that resulted in us not talking for 2 weeks. It wasn't like me to say all those things, ON THE COMPUTER, and not just directly tell her how I felt. But around Christmas, I came to her house to apologise and we both made up. 3 months after, we were friends again. Started hanging out again. During this time, I had obsessive thoughts about her. Constant sexual thoughts, insecure thoughts that she didn't want to be my friend and that I was just a charity case to her. That she's already seeing another guy, and that I'll be forgotten. Before I ****ed up again, I told her one day that I still liked her and wanted to wait for her. And that I didn't know whether I wanted her as a friend or more than that. But she politely rejected me, AGAIN, and still just wanted to be friends. But last week, I ****ed things up again. We were just watching movies on my couch, and I asked her to snuggle with me. We did, and I couldn't control myself but I grabbed her butt. She only smiled and moved my hand. After that day, I asked if she was mad about it. She said yeah, and that I blew it. I BEGGED her to give me another chance, but she said no. She said "i told you I didn't want to do that kind of stuff until I was married. you're not my boyfriend. and we either hang out as groups or not at all. and I'm not changing my mind anytime soon." I apologised profusely, but in the end I understand her feelings. It's been a week since we've talked to each other. And I feel like I messed up our friendship again... The one friend I really liked/cared about and she hates my guts. I don't blame her, because I wouldn't want to be friends with me neither after all I've done to her. In the end, I just didn't want her out of my life. And it was my own doing that made her push me away. The exact thing I DIDN'T want, and it happened. I want to make up with her again, but I feel like it's just gonna happen all over again. The only person that I really connected with, understood me, is most likely gone... I'm afraid I'll never find a person like her ever again, as a friend or lover. And it kills me to know she's around, and I can't do a D*** thing. Apart of me feels like this whole thing was a major test for me, growing up. And I ultimately failed it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a wreck as a human being. I'm afraid I'll push all my friends and family away being like this, and dying alone. The future is just what scares me the most, and I feel so weak. Weak and pathetic. And I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through, that I'm not going through anything. That I should be happy, but I'm not. That I do the opposite of what I should be doing. I always mess everything up, and ultimately losing good friends because of my actions. And I don't know why...
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Do I need help? I'll just start by saying I'm a 17 year old female living with my parents. My life is seen as pretty well off, we don't have many family issues and financially we're ok for the most part. I have a select few friends who I love. I'm in love with a man who lives 3000 miles away from me and have been for 2 years and haven't had the chance to tell him, even though we talk online every day for hours, a lot of the time our conversation is extremely sexual, but he's perfect. I'm generally a content person, I'm ok with life itself. However, I have depressive tendencies. A few years back I used to self-harm and be a little bit suicidal and I've always been into the darker side of life. I've never been seen as a happy, energetic, colourful, kind, caring person. I'm over the self harming now, and I would never really do it again. I saw how it made my mother feel and how it looks on my arms and I can see it's not worth it. I have a very short temper, but I'm quite passive aggressive. However, it shows in the way I speak. I find I'm the most aggressive/moody when I speak to my mother. I'm slightly misanthropic, I hate the general public and don't care too much about anyone unless I really love them. Also, I have absolutely NO self motivation. I have no motivation to lose the weight I've put on recently, I have no motivation to study or work even though I know if I don't I'll fail the most crucial academic year of my life. I just don't have the desire to do anything. I stay at home a lot of weekends on my own or with one friends watching movies, and I spend most of my time on the internet or playing video games alone in my bedroom. Escapism is how I like to think of it, but I'm perfectly happy being a hermit. If I have to go out to a social event (a party or anything similar) it doesn't distress me, I'm not the life of the party but I don't despise it either. Over the past two years, most noticeably when I broke up with the first boy I ever loved, and again very noticeably after my grandfather died I've become overly emotional. I didn't really see the breakup and the death as a big life changing factor of my life but something inside me has definitely changed, out of my control: I'm constantly tearing and welling up and I get incredibly sad over things that don't even mean anything to me. I just being crying over nothing: a random song I've never heard before on the radio, some happy news on a fictional TV show that I usually don't even watch, hearing about somebody I have no connection to passing away. All of it, everything, anything, makes me want to burst into tears and I have no idea why. It even happens to me when I'm feeling happy, just out of the blue, completely bringing my mood down. This has been going on every day for those 2 years, it's out of my control. It hasn't died down at all and I'm afraid I'll be this emotional forever, Is there something wrong with me? Do I need help? Am I depressed? Could my hormone levels be abnormal? What can you tell me about myself?
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Hi there, Im 20 year old male. Im not really sure whats wrong or how/if i can be helped. Most of my life has been unhappy id say. But i feel ive spent most of my life as a spectator, watching my life as if on a movie. Never fully in control, but just keeping up appearances so that from a desired perspective all looks well. I grew up with just my mother and sister, as my parents separated when i was too young to remember. Ive never felt normal. I tell small lies, or manipulate the truth to make people think ive had a happy childhood. I fear telling anyone my real life story as theyd probably think i was being dramatic. Maybe rightly so, as things affect me far deeper than i let on. No one knows everything about me. Life was never really happy, At 13 i was suicidal and overweight, 16 I started being bulimic, 17 I was again suicidal, and at 19 i decided to change and the bulimia stopped. By complete luck i managed to scrape the grades to get to University, and am muddling through. No-one knew or helped with the bulimia which i struccles with for 3 years. I just needed to stop. And the depression, despite ruining my education, didnt get me any help. People just thought i was trying to rebel. Since then ive become cold. I have no feeling towards people who were so close to me and didnt try to help. Best friends at the time have since apologised but still dont know the extent of the damage done. Im worried ive become too cold. Its becoming clear that putting the facade of normality no longer works. there are too many cracks. Too many cracks, which, if people get close enough will be impossible to hide. So i lie. "my life is normal just like everyone elses" and keep people distant. Because of this i push away friends when they know too much and im still a virgin. But this is lonely. Ive got through all the depression and bulimia alone but as a result im not keeping up with society. I guess im scared of what people will think of me if they knew. Unlike most guys my age who think quite simply, I think very deeply and analytically, so cant help but to remember these times. And still everything has a gloomy undertone, ive just got used to it. Even when i act happy, it never raises the mood deep down. Seems i just live to make the movie of my life appear happy. To myself as a spectator and anyone else.
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Ahh, I knew this was coming. Got the poison email saying it was time to part ways and move on. A flipping email. No eye to eye conversation. I've become the thing that is hanging upstairs, locked away and better off to be tossed out. Yeah, it's a slight pity party. When you've been in the reverse and let "ahem" someone stay at your place for months-never asking for anything, and not...Ok, whatever...it's over. I'll trust a stranger more and take my chances next time around. Can't say I don't blame anyone but myself for what has happened, it was my fault I didn't keep my mouth shut earlier-instead I was being open and honest about what was going on with the hallucinations/voices that were going on as of late. A caveat for the sane ones out there...be prepared for what you may hear if you badger your friend who's going through some rough stuff upstairs into opening up and thinking you can handle the truth. Guess what? YOU CANNOT DEAL WITH IT. DO NOT TRY. It's best to let the dogs lie, unless you're a Pdoc then just keep a tab and send your friend a bill later on...ha... A few calls placed, and I hope to have a place to crash, if not I'll be in my car until something shows up. Maybe I'll join those guys at the picnic table by the store sipping Hi gravity out of Sheriff sacks. It's time for another adventure. Ain't life just grand? Later
