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Beth42

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Beth42 last won the day on February 10 2013

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    Female
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    Florida
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    Gardening, Jane Austen, lolcats

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  1. I sort of understand how you feel. Sometimes I look at my boyfriend and just can't understand why he would like me. I don't even like myself that much. So it becomes nearly impossible to believe that he loves me. But he's not lying, and I'm sure that your boyfriend isn't either. It's just that our depression gives us that self-loathing that makes it so hard to accept love.
  2. Yeah, I just wish I could stop comparing myself to other people.
  3. I remember your other post about this and I'm sorry things are still so up in the air with you two and not looking good. <3
  4. I feel this way all the time. It's actually a recognized thing. I think it's even called impostor syndrome. Plenty of really successful people feel like this. I don't have any advice about dealing with it, but you're not alone in feeling this way, so it probably doesn't correspond to reality.
  5. I feel so unimportant compared with other people. I blogged about this here just a little while ago. In social situations I feel like other people are better looking and funnier and more social and more interesting. It's one of the reasons that social situations are so hard for me sometimes.
  6. I sleep a lot too. I CAN get up with an alarm now, but I didn't used to be able to. If left to my own devices I will sleep 10 hours a day and still take a nap. I started taking medication that causes insomnia (Abilify, Wellbutrin and Vyvance) and that doesn't give me insomnia but I sleep more normally now. I know medication isn't for everyone, but if you feel comfortable with it you could ask your doctor and explain that you have depression and it makes you sleep a lot.
  7. The isolation makes it harder :( I'm sorry.
  8. I went to a little get-together tonight. It was sort of fun and it's not that I didn't enjoy myself. But it made me feel kind of terrible about myself after. I have this one friend, and I like her and she doesn't hurt me intentionally, but I always feel so inferior to her that when I see her I end up feeling bad. I just wish I were prettier and more socially adept and stuff. I want to be fun and interesting. I want to light up a room. I'm an ingenue without the innocence and I want to be a femme fatale.
  9. Depression definitely doesn't mean you can never have a relationship. Some people will run away because it's too hard or they don't understand, but some people will stick around. I worry sometimes about being a burden on my boyfriend, but when I ask he very sincerely tells me that it's worth it because of who I am and how much he loves me. It sounds like you are working really hard at controlling your mental health, and that's the most important thing, both for yourself and for any relationship. Best of luck to you in finding someone amazing!
  10. Oh, I want to add something to my last post. While experience in one relationship does not necessarily translate to experience in building another, there is an exception to that. One thing that previous experience is good for is knowing YOURSELF and figuring out what you do and don't want in a relationship and how you can communicate your needs. But you can still do that on your own with some self reflection and by being honest to yourself. It's just something to be aware of.
  11. I met my partner when he was 33, and he had little sexual experience and no experience in creating or maintaining the sort of relationship we have. I was 22 at the time and despite the fact that he's 11 years older I had more sexual and relationship history. It's sort of a long story, which I can tell you if you are curious. But the point is that none of his inexperience mattered. He was honest and cared about me and when he didn't know how to do something he asked me what would work for me. He treated me like an individual he wanted to get to know better. Every relationship is different anyway. Just like everyone has different sexual needs, everyone also has different desires in terms of how much attention and affection they want and a different style of communication. So even if you had dated dozens of people you would still need to figure out how to create and maintain a relationship with a new person. For instance, when I started dating my boyfriend I had 8 or 9 years of serious dating experience under my belt (I know that sounds like a lot for someone so young. It's another long story ...), but I still had to adjust to a lot of things about him. Learning things like how to communicate well so that arguments don't become fights and figuring out how to spend enough time together without anyone feeling claustrophobic are things every new relationship involves. I know that sounds like a lot of work and not very fun, but the thing is, if you care about each other, learning these things feels rewarding and exciting and is part of falling in love. So don't be afraid of your lack of experience. Anyone who thinks that makes you a bad partner is probably looking for a cookie-cutter relationship and not a relationship that is as unique as the people in it. I realize that this only addresses half of your concern, and I really do think that your depression may be clouding your view of yourself and making you convinced you are unlovable when you aren't, but the part that I talked about is just what I am most familiar with.
  12. So I'm a girl and I'm in a relationship, and I'll just comment with my own perspective. I hope I don't come across as rude, but I want to be really honest with you. For one thing, in my experience, being in a relationship is not a magical cure for depression. It's just not. I have been depressed, even suicidal, both on my own, with boyfriends I didn't care that much about and with the love of my life. Being in a relationship can be great and satisfying, but it's not all there is to life and it won't cure your depression. Don't be afraid of being awkward when you kiss or even have sex with a girl for the first time. Every girl is different and likes different things. So just communicate and ask her what she likes and doesn't like and how she likes things. She will likely appreciate your concern for her enjoyment and consider you a better lover than some experienced guy who doesn't really care about her. Next, attracting girls is tricky business, but here is the trick: Don't try to attract the generic idea of "girl." You aren't looking for any girl who will date you. That is counterproductive and even if it does work will likely result in a less satisfying relationship. I know it's frustrating to hear, but before you can date someone you have to understand a little about yourself and have a life outside a relationship or the desire for a relationship. You have to have interests or hobbies. That will a) make you a more interesting and therefore attractive person and b) help you figure out what sort of woman you want to date. Once you find an interest, start getting into it and meet other people with the same interest. Then use it as a low-pressure social situation to expand your social circle. Don't approach every girl as the potential One, but if you see someone you are interested in, ask them out. Treat dating like a fun way to figure out if you like each other enough to be serious, not as a high-pressure situation where you have to make it work and fall in love at all costs. That will make her feel more comfortable and less likely to bail. Basically, the goal in dating isn't to not be alone anymore; the goal in dating is to find someone who is cool and who you click with and then spend a lot of time together. If a woman feels like you are desperate to date anyone, she will be turned off. If she sees you as someone who has shared personality traits and interests and values with her and you get along as people, she is more likely to want to date you. A last note: Some people just don't want to date someone with depression. These are people you probably shouldn't date anyway because you won't be compatible. But if you find the right person, they will like you and think you are a good person and want to support you. If you are keeping your end of the bargain and doing all you can to manage your depression, they will be willing to support you through the bad times. Sorry for the long post, and I hope that this wasn't too harsh. I know that this advice feels big and frustrating, but it is what my experience and my friends' experience says works best.
  13. I'm glad you had fun at the gathering, helter skelter. I feel that way too, sometimes. I feel like I'm not fit for public. I will feel unattractive and boring and anxious about having to socialize. But often I find that when I go there it gets me out of my head and I end up feeling better.
  14. Oh, and as for how it works for us, we don't date or fall in love with other partners, but we are pretty close with them as friends with benefits. It usually works out pretty well, but I can struggle a lot with jealousy when I'm depressed, so sometimes it's hard.
  15. It sounds like you have a lot to think about already, so I'll just add one more thing for now. Do you have any other poly friends? I have a lot of friends who are non-monogamous in some way, and it really helps both of us to have people to talk to about our relationship issues without it becoming a referendum on open relationships. It might be a help for your husband to process things and for you to be able to be around people who are sympathetic about your relationship closing again. It may be hard to find in-person poly friends, but I'm sure there are online groups you could look into. Don't know if that's helpful, but I hope it is.
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