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About Kls2303

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  • Birthday 06/12/1989

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  • Location
    Alexandria VA
  • Interests
    Movies, art, guitar, music, psychology, reading, biking, parks, museums, stuff.
  1. Put the patch on around 10 this morning again. I told myself I would not take it off today no matter how bad I felt, so it is almost 1 now, but I want to take it off so badly. My heart is beating very quickly and I am very anxious. The phone just rang and I practically jumped out of my skin. I want to not be depressed so badly...It really hurts to think that maybe I cannot handle this drug either. I have tried everything else. I took a lot of anxiety medication along with the Emsam, so at least the anxiety is not as bad as it could be. Should I just give up on this patch? I don't want to because I have lost all my friends to this depression and anxiety. Because of me, my fiance and I are living in my dad's basement because I am not stable enough to have a full time job yet (though I do have a part-time job). I feel like there is no hope.
  2. I have read in a few places that emsam can cause acne. Has anybody experienced this? I cannot figure out why it would
  3. Kls2303

    Still Not Sure

    I am still not sure what to make of Emsam. Sometimes I feel very panicky but I do not want to take a benzo because I feel like it would contradict the MAOI. Now that it is evening, this is the fun part....How do I sleep?
  4. I just started 6mg of Emsam patch yesterday. Could anybody tell me how long it takes before you start feeling less depressed? Days? Weeks? Months? I want something to look forward to so I do not give up on the patch because of the adverse affects I am experiencing
  5. I just started the patch yesterday. I am naturally already an anxious person, so I know how you feel. My anxiety got so bad yesterday that I had to leave work and I was hyperventilating and crying the whole way home. Did your anxiety go away after a while? How long did it take for you to feel better?
  6. I almost decided to give up on Emsam for good last night, and took off the patch. I tend to get really impatient when medications take too long to start working, it makes me anxious. I know I need to be more patient, so I am going to give it another try and I put one on this morning. Despite how anxious I got yesterday at work, I have today and tomorrow off, so if I have a massive panic attack at least it won't be in front of everybody. One of the hardest things for me is giving up stimulants which I cannot be on now. I have been dependent on stimulants for years and years to provide me with the dopamine and energy I was lacking from depression. I am definitely an addict...another good reason to commit to this patch thing. I did drink a couple cups of coffee this morning (before I had decided to go back on the patch) but hopefully this will not affect anything.
  7. I just started taking Emsam 6mg today, and something odd happened. I got a panicky feeling and then in the middle of work I could not stop crying no matter what. I felt very anxious and activated despite having taken anxiety medication. Does anyone know if this unsettling anxious feeling wears off with time? I would like to continue to give this med a shot, but only if the anxiety decreases over time. If anyone has had a similar experience please let me know!
  8. Well today was the first day of my 6mg Emsam patch. I have been really hopefully about this so I was excited. I had work that morning and was very tired so I drank a cup of coffee, I had read that this was okay. I felt find minus the tired feeling, until early afternoon, when panic and depression set in. I was in a meeting with my coworkers and all of a sudden it became almost impossible not to cry. I ran to the bathroom and ended up in hysterics for 20 minutes before I went back out to my cubicle to pretend like I was fine and nothing was wrong. I found that I could not stop crying, I had this intense feeling of anxiety despite taking two ativans and then begrudgingly notified my boss. I explained to her that I had been battling depression for quite some time and the times I had been at work I had been doing my best to repress my sadness and put on a happy face for work. She felt really bad. (I was surprised because I had expected her to say "that's it, you have missed too much work and you obviously cannot handle the job.") But instead she sent me home and told me to email her when I was feeling better. I'm wondering if the intense anxiety I have will go away with time. I just want this Emsam to help me feel better so badly. My family members and fiance are tired of seeing me so depressed, so I don't want to give up on the patch just yet. I'll ask other people if this goes away.
  9. I was excited at the thought of starting the Emsam patch tomorrow to help with my depression and motivation, but my feelings changed drastically in the past hour. I am feeling very paranoid, tired, and scared. It was very difficult for me to try to get to sleep last night despite taking ativan and over the counter sleep aids. Why do I feel so psychotic? I keep thinking people do not like me, and I keep thinking that I am ugly. I am at work and about to go to a management meeting, but I am scared. I just want to go home and sleep. I am tired and my thoughts are unsettling. I guess I am stuck for now. Hoping things get better.
  10. After today I am not supposed to take any more stimulants due to the emsam starting Thursday. I am surprisingly actually very okay with this. I will not miss the feeling of having my heart feel like it is going to beat out of my chest when I crash. I am sitting at my cubicle at work typing this in the hopes that I will be able to relax before going out on the desk the next hour to help customers. Nothing like helping a patron when you are feeling tweaked out. I took the short-acting methlyn in the hopes that it would bring up my spirits and get me moving at work, instead of reading about the county's "strategic plans." AKA, lots of job cuts, particularly part-timers, yay me. So that is next on my list once I am adjusted to the new med. I will definitely need to secure a new job.
  11. So I saw my pdoc today, and while I wanted to try going back on nuvigil because of my low dopamine and tiredness, she decided that Emsam would be the best solution. She refused to prescribe anything else. I am kind of scared and skeptical. I definitely do not want to have a hyperintensive crisis if I accidently eat something wrong, and I have been so dependent on stimulants to boost my mood/energy level for as long as I can remember. The stimulants have helped me put on a "mask" of happiness and motivation, while behind it all I am a depressed anti-social person. At work, stims definitely help with this masking effect. I am productive and do not cry until I get home. I guess we will see how it goes...I just hope Emsam kicks in soon after I start it. I want to know what it is like to feel happy again.
  12. Kls2303


    Hey, I just started using this website today, and made a blog. I came across yours just now. I had to saw something because your thoughts remind me so much of myself. I too am waiting for an answer from my pdoc tomorrow. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. She has put me on so many meds that haven't helped and yet somehow I still am hopeful about tomorrow. I'm sure things will go well for you tomorrow though. Fingers crossed
  13. I am so scared right now, even though there is nothing to be afraid of. My friend from out of town is coming home and invited me over tonight. I am so terrified of going over to see her for some reason. Social interactions really frighten me. Right now I really want to sleep and forget about having friends or taking a shower or doing anything. After my first post earlier I felt better, I took Vyvanse to get me going to then even practiced my guitar for a little while and did the dishes. Then I started realizing I wasn't any good at playing the guitar (or so I thought), and that I was very tired. The Vyvanse does not help much, even though it was 60mg I still feel foggy and depressed. I know if I do not take a shower and go see my friend I will feel worse and more isolated, so I am going to force myself to. Even the thought of going to work tomorrow scares me, though I have had this job for over 6 months now and there is nothing to be afraid of. I do not know why my motivation is so low, but I did force myself to eat and take my multivitamins and answer the phone when my fiance called (sometimes I am too depressed to pick up the phone). I even thought about going running to make me feel better but thoughts in my head keep telling me it is pointless. I am glad I have this journal so that I do not feel so alone. But I do wish that I felt good enough to do things like plan for my wedding next April. When did everything go so wrong? Is there hope for me to be happy still? I see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon before work, but after years and years and so many pills nothing has managed my depression. I do not want to give up because of my future husband and my little sister. Maybe there is still potential to be happy one day.
  14. By writing in this blog I hope to reduce the amount of time I spend ruminating about how crappy I feel all the time. Also, I have a tendency towards forgetfulness and this will help me keep track of my medication regimens in the future and coping mechanisms. Due to my social anxiety, I have very few friends to talk to about my depression, which is just as well maybe. I hope that as time progresses, I will start to feel better and make new friends/maintain friendships. A little bit of background...I have been seeing the same psychiatrist for 6 years, and during that amount of time, I have been put on at least 30 different medications for the treatment of my depression and anxiety. Uppers, downers, stimulants, anti-psychotics, tranquilizers, SSRIs, SNRIs, various dopamine agonists, benzos, etc. Nothing has helped with my depression or anxiety. After taking a genetic assay, I saw that I had very low dopamine in the prefrontal cortext and reduced executive function (this explains why I have really bad short-term memory). Here is the other hilarious part...the test also showed that my liver has a hard time processing most dopaminergic agents, (meaning those will cause side-effects and probably not work). My psychiatrist compared my liver to that of a toll-booth on the highway. She said some people have those EZ passes and zip right through, others are in the middle inserting coins to get through, and then there's people like me in the far right lane...who cannot get through because their car broke down or they don't have the money, hahaha. Oh, the genetic test also showed that I have high COMT enzyme activity. This is somewhat more complicated. COMT stands for Catecol-O-methyltransferase, which is responsible for degrading catecholamines such as dopamine, epinephrine, and norepinephrine. Due to the high COMT activity, I have low dopamine because it is being degraded. Well I am documenting my struggle to find the right medication regimen here. Typing my thoughts out is somewhat therapeutic and maybe I will be able to help someone else out.
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