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blackrider

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About blackrider

  • Birthday 01/01/1983

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    Male
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    US, Midwest
  • Interests
    See "ABOUT ME" tab above for very LONG detailed bio. I enjoy writing and walking hahaha. relationships and ruminating. morality. very lazy and underachieving. trying to become a functional adult haha. horrible with jobs and women haha. very low-energy.

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About Me

Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting. 
 
Jan 2017: Darn, it didn't save my huge update here. Basically I got a new job finally and it is looking to be very good. Terrible money, but a great working environment and low-stress, which is tech more important for me. Also realized I have been in a three year rut from Dec 2013 to Dec 2016, which I am only now starting to get out of, largely due to this new job, so I am very grateful. 
 
Aug 2016: all my posts usually end up turning into long rambling diatribes, hahaha. but I mean well! Also, I always say "hahahaha" which is simply me saying "lol" or laughing at my horrible jokes, because I like to make horrible jokes to deal with or talk about the horrible pain of despair, and the tragedy it wreaks on our lives. It is like laughing in the face of death, real gallows humor, if I weren't laughing, I'd be crying. And the sense of humor HAS to be ridiculous because what is happening to us is kind of ridiculous! But I fully believe that making jokes about it is a good way of coping and dealing.
 
Are we allowed to post links? I have been watching this guy Forever Alone Feels aka George Feels. He is a 31 year old virgin who talks about being Foreveralone and his efforts to improve himself. I believe he has some kind of depression as well, but I don't think he's really "treating" it. Anyway I think alot of us here, the lonely men at least, could identify with him. I know I can!
 
They say you need to love yourself before you can be in a relationship with someone else, but I'm not so sure about that. I mean where do we set the bar? What is the bare minimum at which we are finally ready to have a rel? I've been trying to get there all my life and haven't quite done it. Whenever I loved a person, I loved them with full acceptance of their flaws, imperfections, shortcomings. Now I have low self esteem and low confidence and plenty of guilt and shame, but thank goodness I do not really HATE myself per se. Yeah I guess if you completely LOATHE yourself that might make a relationship very difficult, but I don't like the idea that if you are not completely over your depression, AND if you aren't some huge confident winner, then you're not worthy of a relationship, or you will inevitably sabotage every relationship you're lucky enough to get. 
 
I think it's good to take some time to regroup and get over someone if you have had a breakup.....but these people who advise you "work on yourself first, you can't have a rel until you love and accept yourself" also don't understand the pain of being alone for 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 15 YEARS. I generally say if you haven't dated anyone in 2 years, then it's okay to put yourself out there, even if you are not fully "fixed" yet. 
 
Yeah OK if you are 18 or 20 or 22 or maybe even 24 years old and worried about not having a GF, it's reasonable advice to focus on yourself first. But once you get past 25 and DEFINITELY once you get past 30.........then that advice begins to sound really sh1tty, hahahaha. How long do we need to focus on ourselves? At that point we might be focusing on ourselves TOO much, and probably in the wrong way too. 
 
Being alone can be good....but I think this eventually peaks and then starts declining. At around 2 years hahahahahaha. And then being alone will just make you more depressed. Because even the most introverted, shy, or even misanthropic of us, almost without exception, has a strong desire to have a loving relationship, and to avoid this natural urge for years and years and years is not good. 
 
And for better or worse, it can be a huge confidence booster when someone you like likes you. And it also feels good when you feel your heart open and begin to like someone. It is a very beautiful thing to SHARE life with someone special. Saying this as somebody who never REALLY did that....but came close enough to know how special it would be, if only the other person were willing.
 
IMO Women and men are complementary but also very different. Women can offer very very well-meaning advice to lonely men.....but I generally think men can give MUCH better advice to men than women can regarding dating and relationships from the male perspective, simply because men and women play very different roles. Essentially, women are the supply, men are the demand. Women can get pregnant, men cannot. Women are the choosers, men are the applicants/candidates/suitors. This is based in biology and can't and shouldn't be changed. You can chase nature out with a pitchfork, but it always comes back. 
 
In other words, it's much easier for a depressive woman to find a relationship, than it is for a depressive man. Men are essentially presenting themselves to women, saying "choose me." And a depressive man has a really hard time presenting himself positively, and competing against all the healthier men who are competing for the same women. 
 
So we have to get healthy first then, right? Kind of, but those of us who have been struggling for our entire adult lives know that this is something we will never fully beat. At best it is something we can manage and try to keep at bay. To beat it and become FULLY "healthy" could take our entire lives. And I just think it's really SAD that there are a ton of 30+ year old men out there who have never been in a real rel. Myself included, hahaha. And not just 30, but 40, 50+ years old! It's a special kind of pain and loneliness that I just don't think anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship can ever fully understand.....because at least they know what it's LIKE to be in a long-term relationship!
 
Now I'm not saying long-term relationships are a cure-all, or that they can't turn into horrible things. I am WELL aware that even the BEST relationships take a LOT of work, and have very bad times as well as very good times. But I'm more than willing to make that effort for the right person. Willing to fight and work and put in effort. But all of the people I was willing to do that for, didn't feel the same way. They just wanted to be DONE with the rel altogether. And that's technically fine, I accept their choice...........but I just really wish someone would choose differently. 
 
I thought I would be married by now, maybe with some children (I would love to have 3 or more children!), but I haven't even had a serious GF yet!
 
So yeah it's a unique pain, and I know women MEAN well when they give their perspectives, and I very much appreciate that, but I think women just CAN'T know what this is like, except for maybe the .0000000001% of women who has reached age 30 and has NEVER had a relationship. I concede there are probably a few......but there are a LOT more men, and I think MEN are in the best position to advise and comfort other men here.
 
Because men and women are very different, and play very different roles in relationships, and we shouldn't FIGHT nature, but learn to live with it. For a while I was resentful of nature. Then I was resentful of myself to be able to "play the game" of nature, or live up to the minimum standards of nature. 
 
Oh yeah one more thing: in men, depression attacks that which women find most attractive about men: confidence, charisma, masculinity, security, certainty. As for what attracts men to WOMEN, depression is basically irrelevant: beauty, kindness. Yeah I guess depression can make you appear less kind, but not necessarily. But depression pretty much ALWAYS decimates CONFIDENCE, such that this could be the DEFINITION of depression, and CONFIDENCE is THE most important thing for a man to be attractive to women.
 
So this is why depressed men fare MUCH worse on the dating market than depressed women. That and women generally need to do less work (because their reproductive cost is SO high (pregnancy.))
 
We have a lot of lonely men here, both under and over 30, and I want all of us to find what we are looking for: a mostly healthy, mostly happy, nontoxic, nonabusive, mutual, longterm, monogamous (well, speaking for myself!) relationship. 
 
I appreciate women trying to show sympathy and support, but just realize it's pretty much impossible for a woman to truly empathize with our situation, so any "actionable" advice can come across as condescending. 
 
 
 
June 2016: Still trying to get over the heartbreak/rejection and job loss of last year, it has almost been 1 year already. Doing a bit better, but still no more than 50% over the woman. I can function well enough to do better in my job search, though that is a new struggle. Not really getting anywhere. The positive is that I can be more productive with applying for jobs and going to interviews with less anxiety. But I still feel totally incompetent and unable to handle the duties of any job. No confidence in myself to do the job, learn the job, and most importantly handle the stress of performing under pressure. Making mistakes and being unsure and helpless and unconfident and all that. I've gotten OK at BS'ing during interviews which I guess is good. But I am terrified that whatever job I am (un)lucky enough to get, I will not be strong enough to handle it. Oh well. Until then I try to send out X applications/resumes/packets per day and would like to have 1 or 2 interviews per week. 
 
It keeps my mind off That Woman, which is good, but I can still think about that at night. I still want her and feel I will never feel like that about a woman again. I don't WANT a relationship unless it's with her. A year later. So I figure it might take another year to get past this point. Taken SO long to get over her. Still not over her at ALL because I still want her. But I'm aware enough to know that won't happen, and I won't contact her. But yeah it just svcks altogether. There was nothing good to come out of this, no huge lesson. Just obvious lessons that I already knew and wasn't worth the pain. I wish I had never met her. She was a net negative in my life. 
 
But at least I have improved somewhat, and can churn out the job applications and go on the occasional interview. I also have been good about exercising and dieting and have lost some weight, though I am not at my goal yet, and the weight loss has been extremely slow/minimal lately. My goal is to get to  21 BMI and I am at 22.9 at the moment.
 
I like to give everybody likes/upvotes and to offer unsolicited advice on relationships and dating, hahaha. I especially "like" stories of relationship problems and also with lonely single men trying to date women. I don't really WANT to date women right now, I still want HER. I suppose I would be open to meeting new women, but I really don't feel like making any effort with that! Because I'd still much rather be with her (never gonna happen, I'm never gonna see or talk to her again) than meet new women. 
 
But yeah I am grateful that I can keep myself occupied with exercise, job searching, forum stuff, and outrageous political interests to kind of distract me from That Woman and from despairing thoughts of my own underachievement and inferiority, hahaha.
 
I am interested in Alt-Right political/social topics and very happy to chit-chat about those things, hahaha.
 
Also I am very interested in the "herbal remedy" known as "MJ" or c4nn4b15. I have rarely been this ambivalent about something. I think it definitely has some medical/medicinal uses, like for pain and glaucoma and seizures and such, but does it have any valid uses for depression, anxiety, or mental/emotional issues? There have been times where it made me EXTREMELY anxious, nervous, self-conscious, self-loathing. At other times it made me feel very relaxed, "chill", "warm and fuzzy", and appeared to help me. BUT I'm also VERY concerned about its long-term effects on motivation and ambition.....that is, basically turning you into a zombie with no goals, and making you content to stay in the same place forever. So I am very much of two minds on this substance. However I have a past of using it and I am definitely still tempted by it. This becomes very relevant when you consider that many states in the US are moving towards legalization - we are definitely in the middle of a transitional period here as seen in Colorado, and it's inevitable other states will follow in that pattern. Therefore making MJ widely available to people like me, who are "tempted" to use it. The only things that are stopping me are: looking for a new job and want to pass drug tests; I don't have the social connections to obtain it. It's hard to get, for me. But if it became legal in 2017 and I could just walk into a store and get it....I know I would!
 
There is some evidence that sativa strains give you a very hyper, energetic, talkative feeling, which I believe is why I had gotten hyper and extremely panicky and nervous and paranoid in the past. In other words, sativa is not good for anxious or maybe even depressed people. Indica strains have a reputation for doing the opposite: making you very chill, slowed-down, sleepy, relaxed, and naturally I am very attracted to that. 
 
BUT there's theories that regular MJ use, especially when young (under 25) can make you more prone to mental/emotional instability in general. In other words, my youthful habit may have well contributed to my generally unstable emotions as an adult. For this reason I would never recommend regular use by people under 25. Unfortunately, by the time I was 25, the damage had already been done!
 
I haven't seen much discussion of MJ on DF, and what little discussion I have seen seems to be summarized as: don't advocate street drug use, end of story. I would disagree and say that a much more vigorous, open, and detailed discussion needs to be had on this topic on this forum. 
 
I would of course love to see more scientific/medical research, which I would hope the increased legalization would lead to. 
 
But I am still not a full supporter, because I fully recognize the significant Cons as well as the Pros. And I do recognize my own weakness to temptation in this area. Right now I am tempted because I think it will help get my mind off things like That Woman, or my Failure at Life, and how Impossible Life Is. My aim would be to go through a period of no more than 3 months of regular use, then monitor and see if I felt any better with the passage of time. Because, at least as regards That Woman, there's nothing left for me to learn or process, it's a waiting game of time verrrryyyy sloowwwwwwlllyyyy heals all wounds, and just dealing with the useless, worthless, meaningless Chronic Pain in the meantime. Then I would take some time off because I really don't think you should be doing MJ every day for years. But it's very easy to fall into that habit!
 
Also I would try to pair it with exercise, preferably vigorous exercise. Use MJ and then go to the Gym and GoMad hahahaha. Better than just using MJ then sitting there like a blob and eating or watching TV or listening to crappy music hahaha. There is the disturbing theory that MJ makes the mediocre and the downright crappy things seem tolerable. Or erode your sense of taste and discrimination and judgment. I obv do not want that. 
 
But I honestly really would enjoy some nice indica and see what it does. Just to get through some more Time such that I may Get Over Her. Also I think MJ can be like a "Relationship Substitute" because it can give you similar "warm fuzzy" feelings like when you like somebody. 
 
 
MARCH 2016:
 
Back after an almost 8-Year Hiatus!!!!
 
It would be a neat idea if members of this forum produced "Original Content" especially Podcasts for the community to listen to. Basically, forum people could Skype or call or conference each other for an hour or 2 or 3 and record fun conversations for everybody to listen to. I really like podcasts and hearing people talk. You could share stories of depression, despair, anxiety, loss, failure, heartbreak, struggle, sorrow, etc, and allow your own personality and interests to shine, while also trying to make an interesting program, with an eye towards living with and overcoming depression, and living good lives. Theoretically, I would be very willing to participate in such a podcast, but not right now, haha. I am a member of some forums that are very active and they produce lots of podcasts. You can then listen to the podcasts at your leisure. In the car, bus, train, at night, walking around, at the gym, in the forest, with your friends and family, listen to fun and rewarding podcasts instead of dulling your mind with television, UGH. haha. Just THINK ABOUT IT.  DF PODCASTS. Can be done very autonomously by anyone who wants to. Only thing I would caution about, is having a decent microphone so your voice sounds clear. You can and probably should remain anonymous of course. I would certainly want to!
 
Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of "loved one" and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and "intimacy", I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was "The One." Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn't want to be pushy....but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said "THIS ENDS NOW" and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn't even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn't dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I'm the same way partially, but this I couldn't avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like "we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we've known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you" etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn't feel the same way.
 
Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn't respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn't' exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren't "just work friends" but that's what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn't respond at all. 
 
I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for "making her do this" and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn't talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn't want to be a "weirdo" and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month. 
 
I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don't like being thrown away, I didn't feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment. 
 
Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won't talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha. 
 
Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don't really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. the sense of being an impostor that didn't really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you've never seen before. Show no weakness, you're supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you've never taken before. Be an expert in things you've never learned. It was the best money I've ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down. 
 
I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and "ghost" me. This is a mind-boggling and just insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.
 
My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn't hate me, she doesn't feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend....but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that's what it seemed symbolic of.
 
But it was important to me to know that she didn't HATE me, that she didn't feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I'm tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don't want other people getting only her side of the story.....whatever that may be. 
 
It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I'd had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn't had a female friend in years. And I hadn't been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha. 
 
I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I've been dumped in better ways than this before! 
 
All I needed was a standard, "Awwwwwww! I'm sorry, but I just don't feel that way! You're a good person, though!"
 
But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will. 
 
The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn't work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha. 
 
Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven't contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don't want other women, I want her. I would still "take her back" if she came to me and apologized.
 
Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it's possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of "sink or swim" practice of job "training"? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening. 
 
So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don't really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing? 
 
Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It's AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I've never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don't want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let's give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment. 
 
And it's stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it's even WORSE. Don't want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don't know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F'n New Guy. What a M0R0N. 
 
BTW the profile picture refers to "Pepe the frog" and "tendies." Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough "good boy points" by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM!  Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It's a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being "wagecucks" and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don't like anime. But it's so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I'm tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don't get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn't leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women. 
 
I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don't give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha. 
 
Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn't drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don't feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck. 
 
Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are "set up for success" and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We're all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Tell me what to say and I'll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don't make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don't know what they're doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can't do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can't even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don't handle pressure well????!?!?! 
 
The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that's what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn't really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn't believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It's all SO frustrating and disappointing. 
 
I don't like having to "BS" people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what's going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can't figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don't like being told to "figure it out" and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. "Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks" was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn't know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along......because that's exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP. 
 
That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.
 
I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he's a loser and just can't pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is......then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog. 
 
That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can't relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!
 
I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been. 
 
But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.
 
I just don't like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha. 
 
I don't shove my insecurities in people's faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I've had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs. 
 
I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It's hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn't TOO degenerate. 
 
I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it's ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It's hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It's hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can't tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.
 
Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It's basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I'd never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It's BAD. It's WRONG. It's IMMORAL. It's DEGENERATE.  NO GOOD can come from it.
 
As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I've gotten older, I've gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period. 
 
I perhaps overestimate how "degenerate" some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha. 
 
No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing "I Luv SCIENCE" types.
 
A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn't keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha. 
 
Uhhh I won't judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It's not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON'T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends' feelings! Don't add insult to injury! Also don't be a cheater. (No she was not a cheater, but I am very anti-cheating!)
 
And don't have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it's the other person's business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don't have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.
 
If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He's still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.
 
I am very generous in giving Likes. So don't be offended if I have given you lots of likes. Sometimes I will like almost every response in a thread. 
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haven't been on here in years, but it's a great community! I am taking steps to manage my "crippling depression" and so things are ok in the short-term, but I struggle w the long term (i.e., jobs, "career", rel's. introverted, lack of energy, love to nap. I quit drinking in 2009 & that was HUGEly positive. infatuation, irritability, try to find the humour in things, fairly obsessed with Sex and "Status."
 
Sept 2012: no energy, underemployed, trying to become gainfully employed, don't like school or work, can never find the energy to not be lazy, extremely lazy, can lay in bed all day, but never feel "sad" or "depressed". Rather, just no "joie de vivre." job searching and career building is awful. very difficult socializing with women.
 
OCT 2015: Wow I've been a member since 2006. old skool! I am in a low that hasn't been this bad since about 2006! loss of job, loss of loved woman. I have been rejected before, but this feels like the worst because I was closer with her than with other women, I felt it was the best relationship, and that she was The One. Also, quit the job at the same time because I worked with her, and I hated the job anyway, and the "breakup" was not a good one. life destroyed. trying to slowly get over the woman (all happened in July 2015), trying to rebuild life, get new job, get over the loss of someone I LOVED. of course we never really dated, she was a friend who I got along with very well, then 2 years into the friendship, got feelings for her, and that was the beginning of the end. She did not share the feelings, and increasingly distanced herself from me, I desperately tried to communicate with her, and then it all ended with silent treatment from her. I really wish she could have just TALKED to me and TRIED to dump me in a "gentle" way, but noooooo. instead, I was thrown away like a piece of garbage by the person I loved the most, and what was once a good friendship, was OVER. it was DEVASTATING. I hadn't been in this much pain in YEARS. 
 
Also, I think my anxiety is just as bad as my depression. In fact, it might be the Root Cause of my depression.
 
I much prefer the word "DESPAIR" to "depression."
 
I am taking 20 mg of citalopram per day, might up the dose. [Edit March 2016: now 40 mg, might even go higher next time] had taken Paxil for about .... 7 years? since 2008 or so, up and down there, in July 2015 had been totally off Paxil for a few months, had some bad withdrawals for the first week or 2 there. 
 
had major anxiety about job and woman after a while, started with a new doctor and new meds. then the crap hit the fan with woman and job, in July 2015, been devastated ever since, trying to rebuild life completely.
 
coping thru: tons of exercise, try to walk 8 to 10 miles a day, it's very positive, although I am not losing any weight! but better than being a huge neckbeard loser.
 
writing on the blog in an attempt to help self and others. the theme of blog is to help depressed despairing people who have experienced a lot of failure in their lives, with work and women, as have I. trying to overcome us being "losers".  Message me for the link to the blog.
 
it is no good to think of yourself as a "LOSER" but that is VERY pervasive for me: early 30s with nothing to show for it: underemployed, unemployed, total failure with women, always get dumped, can't get or keep a job or a relationship. have no faith in the power of education to improve my career. college is a scam imho. (I did complete a bachelors degree in something that's useless for attaining gainful employment, a big regret; but I don't have the motivation or desire or ability to return to school for a graduate degree or a new more useful degree)  
 
but I have never done well at interviews either. and my most recent job was very stressful. it did not help my mental state at all. very stressful and I was confused and overwhelmed all day everyday, and felt like an incompetent, unconfident, unintelligent person who was incapable of doing my job, being asked to do impossible things. phone calls all day from people where technical stuff was broken and trying to fix AND explain things I had never seen before AND had no understanding of. very nerve wracking.  also working with the love interest. I fought and made gains in dealing with the insanely stressful job and was just starting to earn respect and confidence in being able to do the job. Ultimately it was not the job itself, but the presence of HER, that pushed me over the edge and pushed me to break down and quit the job. Still angry about that.
 
never did well with jobs and women, which I see as major elements of being an Adult Man. Till recently I was semi-gainfully employed and had a decent relationship with a woman, and was almost on the path to "normalcy", but the whole thing came crashing down when I started to have deeper feelings for her. Neither of us handled that really well, the relationship ended horribly, and I could not cope with working at the already stressful job with her. So I quit, and now I feel like a huge loser and it sucks! I lost a very important person, feel like I will never connect with a woman again, feel incompetent to do any job, no jobs train you, all jobs try to scam their customers, all jobs put you in impossible stressful situations and push you to your breaking point, real all or nothing thinking hahaha. plus good luck making a livable wage, let alone the type of money a normal man your age should be making, who wants to be eligible for meeting a woman and having a family someday! 
 
(Those are my basic life goals: have a gainful job making "upper working class" wages that is not so stressful that it constantly pushes me to the edge of a nervous breakdown; and meet a woman that I can have a long-term, mutually loving, monogamous, traditional relationship with, and have children (maybe 3!), AND be able to support them. Tall order I know, blame my materialistic greed and sense of entitlement, hahahahaha) 
 
Really tired of struggling so much with jobs/career and women, have spent my whole Young Adulthood doing that, and now no longer a Young adult haha. nothing to show for it. have a very bad attitude. also, this "breakup" is very hard to get over, very painful. I was not blameless but I still don't think I deserved that harsh of treatment. But some days I DO think I deserve it, that this is all my fault, if I had just been a Better, Cooler, more confident, more manly man, this wouldn't have happened.
 
I used to be big on MRA and MGTOW thinking, but am moving away from that now, as it seems like a lifestyle of bitterness based on personal failures with women. I don't want to be that bitter towards women forever, I would like to get over this and be open to another woman someday. But I don't see that light at the end of the tunnel yet. I still want her. Fantasize about her contacting me and saying "I'm so sorry, please give me another chance", and I absolutely would, because I was/am so desperate for her!
 
I am still pretty traditional, though, have been getting into the "neoreaction" and traditionalist and nationalist scenes. I think men and women are naturally different but complementary, and that casual sex, recreational sex, short term relationships, and nonmonogamy are especially damaging to women, simply because of the hugely disproportionate Reproductive risks and responsibilities women naturally have: i.e., women get pregnant, men can't, and pregnancy and child-raising are a BIG HUGE deal that should not be approached lightly. 
 
I did learn some valuable lessons, basically, don't drive yourself crazy waiting for the perfect time to talk, but just "blurt it out" through a phone call or text or email, if you feel you need to talk about it, and I def did! I was trying to get her to hang out so we could talk about it in person, and indeed, that's very reasonable for such an important conversation; and then she responded by refusing to hang out at all. As that pattern persisted for 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,and finally 10 months, I gradually went nutters. I should have just Blurted It Out, not Bottled It Up. I am one of those guys that need to say or write everything verbally, I am not a fan of signals. Although I did give some pretty clear signals to her as to what my feelings for her were now, that they had changed from "just friends" to desire for something more, and her response was to back off and become distant, obviously did not share the feelings, but also did not want to talk about them.
 
I didn't expect her to return the feelings. I just wanted to have a talk like a mature adult, and not be thrown away or ignored or avoided entirely. that's what hurts more than anything! if she had just talked or even emailed me and said: "I don't have feelings for you, I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, we had a good friendship" that would have been a LOT better. But I feel bad that she just threw me away like I was not a human being, like we never had the good long-term friendship that we did. I knew her for YEARS, not weeks or months. I felt being thrown away like that was unfair to me. I might have annoyed her with my Signals of New Feelings, but I don't think that's as bad as throwing away a long-term friend without even talking about it. Near the end, I was begging "please respond" in emails, but I never got any response whatsoever. I've been rejected before, but NEVER like this, and this person meant a LOT to me because I actually KNEW them for 2+ years, as opposed to the women I "pseudo-dated" for 2 months or so before they dumped me, hahaha. This relationship was much stronger than those!
 
So I am slowly getting somewhat better from that devastation, but now I need to find a new job, get through the stupid interview process, and confidently explain why I quit my last job, then perform better than all the other people interviewing, just to get a job where you are thrown to the wolves with no training, deal with difficult customers and difficult co-workers all day, feel like a very unintelligent person who doesn't even know how to do their job, and maybe get fired after a few weeks because you're "not getting it fast enough" hahahaha.
 
I hate being nervous at work for at least 8 hours a day, then spend all your free time being nervous about the next day. So I would spend my free time "studying" work material so I could "get better" at the endless number of technical issues I got phone calls about; so I could sound confident and competent, and not sound dumb. It is kind of like having a pop quiz of Complicated Story Problems, then having to solve and explain them verbally, all day every day. And I hate sounding dumb because I know I'm not dumb, and it is SO frustrating having to CONVINCE people of that all day.
 
People treating you like you're not smart, and you want to say "I'M SMART, I SWEAR! I graduated from a top university! I got an A in Calculus 2! I do very well on Jeopardy and trivia! I have an IQ of at least 120! My friends have done Ph.D.'s and masters degrees and are very successful! I am well read! sorry I just dont understand weird technical BS when I am thrown to the wolves and everybody treats me like an unintelligent person!"
 
(if you use a common word for "unintelligent person," ID-10-T if you will, DF automatically censors it hahaha)
 
Yep. Gainful employment and halfway decent relationships. I dont know how anybody does it!!! Just want to be a normal functioning member of society and establish a healthy long term relationship.
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