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Tessar last won the day on July 30 2013

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  1. Well..... For me, this time of year really doesn't work. Winter. Dark evenings. I really don't like it and the way it limits outdoor activity renders me depressed. Alongside that, I get lazy. Eat too much and generally everything becomes such a bother. Such hard work. And so what happens? Hmmmmn bathing becomes one of those chores that requires so much effort. Last 2 weeks I have, on average bathed once each week. Surprised my partner hasnt commented on it really. I don't seem to get smelly and I look after my hair so my general appearance is normal. Perhaps nobody ever notices. Though I am, of course aware of the situation. It is probably a temporary one but my only concern for the future is that usually even if I fel like string is a hardship, I will still do it out of obligation. But this year, this winter it's the first time I have actually felt I have neglected my general wellbeing and stopped looking after myself. In general terms I am functioning ok but this laziness, this luck of application & general apathy is not enjoyable. I am usually loving of the outdoors. I want to gt out there to walk, cycle, get in the garden. Breath fresh air. Exert myself & feel good for it. And how to improve the situation? U doubtedly the answer is to do just what I speak of. To get outside and exercise. Whether I can remains to be seen. If I do, especially if I get hot and sweaty as a result of exercise I will, out of necessity, bathe. So there you have it. My answer is exercise. Proper heavy exercise. Just got to go and so some now haven't i? I shall see what happens but I do need to berth this apathy. It's only December. If I can chip away at it, perhaps I can start to feel more energetic. Everything then will improve. Lets see what happens. Wll report back if I manage to sour myself into action. If u don't hear it probably means I am still in my trough of slovenly behaviour.
  2. Gosh sue. Thank you very much for your observations and advice, these are very gratefully received. Much has happened since I posted here last and.... Most importantly I have become much stronger. You make many valid points.... You are right that in a small company it is necessary to be careful how you air your grievances. I am always mindful of this & you are absolutely Right about "Very few people will bite the hand that feeds them when it comes to the crunch". The senior accounts person more or less intimated to me a few months back that he would "listen" & "his door is always open" Butkus recall thinking that doesn't amount to a promise of action. At least he would listen as that does give me an outlet. Actually he made a comment about one of our bosses round about Xmas time that surprised me. Even though he made a derogatory remark, I realise this doesn't mean "I have him in my pocket". Moreso, it seems he is an ally when it comes to "having a moan". He must feel comfortable talking to me as I was quite surprised he said what he did. But yes I would still exercise caution where he is concerned. Moving on to my manager. Well.... This is where the most work has been done on my part. I am really not sure what has made the difference for me. I think possibly one day I decided I really have had enough of this. I am sick and tired of being pushed around. I have been working hard on my confidence & self-esteem. Much of this work I have done with the help of my counsellor, but I know it is me who puts it all into action. So, with my manager I have, bit by bit, stood up to her more strongly. The last few months in work terms were difficult, we had staff off thro illness. I had to not only manage their workload but supervise our temp. It was busy & stressful but I did it. In fact I surprised myself how I coped with the pressure. It dawned in me that I was so busy I had no time to worry about what anyone thought. I had to be on top form to get my work done & had no spare time or brain capacity to think about anything but work. Before I realised it, if my manager was not supporting me adequately or did things that were making my work more difficult to get through, I found myself chipping back at her. Being totally respectful but objective & clear about my needs. I discovered she was noticing & reacting differently towards me. Several times she did things to help that she wouldn't normally do. She could see I was at full tilt. One day she even made a remark to such effect. I hadn't sight out approval or praise but acknowledged it. It's important to feed back positively to someone when they take note. Also something really good happened the one day. My manager had been really moody. I noticed this as soon As she came in that morning. I decided there & then she would not dump on me. At one point she demanded to know why I had out something in a particular tray. I realised I had put it in the wrong one. so I told her that I had simply made a wrong decision given that I was under a lot of pressure. . She stopped ranting & seemed to accept my explanation. I was quite surprised how effectively i t took the wind out of her sails. If she hadnt stopped going in, i was ready to tell her "i have explained myself already, what more can i say?" but it didnt come to that. I had also stood up to her a couple of other times during the day.... Reminding myself she isn't going to walk all over me. Well.... To my surprise, at the end of the day she came up to me and said "thank you for putting up with me today". I nearly fell off my chair, I responded with "that's ok". On reflection, i wish i had said more than that back to her. Perhaps I missed an opportunity, But in a way, I didn't need to say anything else. She was the one who was pretty much apologising to me. Before now, I have found saying less, or even nothing is more effective than giving clever responses. I remind myself daily that I am not going to be dumped on by other people. I still take responsibility for my actions. It doesn't mean I don't consider other people's feelings. I always will as I am a caring & empathic person. That will never change. But it will not be at the expense of my well being. I have to learn that sometimes, while people will "touch a nerve" & I will get a strong emotional reaction & feel hurt (because my past influences me to feel this way more strongly than your average person), I need to put those feelings aside long enough to stand up for myself. That seems to be where I am at the moment. My plan is to keep this going. I am often observing myself being assertive. It's pretty cool. Standing my ground. It sits well. I like it. It's amazing how I can see so clearly now the way people have battered me down my whole life. Because it was a familiar pattern I seemed to repeatedly fall in the same behaviour pattern. It's the one I knew.. one where no one gave me any credit - no one allowed me to feel important or worthwhile enough to have a voice. Well that has changed. i do have a voice and I am using it wherever appropriate and possible. Plus, instead of wondering whether people like me, I a, taking on board positive stiff. Reminding myself I do know people like me. They have said it to me. I can see how much more credence I give to the negative people in my life. That's not a good thing so I am changing it. I like myself ugh more now. That too gives me confidence, I am less tentative, That is what I suggest all bullied people do. You are worthwhile even if people make you feel or believe otherwise. They are wrong. Remind yourself they are wrong. You are as entitled to a voice as the next person. Don't ever feel guilty for standing up to another person. Even if they react towards you like they have been slighted, if you remain respectful & assertive you will have done nothing wrong. Even if you feel you are doing something bad, it is not bad. you are just changing a learned behaviour. Of course that will feel strange. But believe me it is worthwhile. The more you do it, the easier and more normal and natural it becomes. The negative impression you have of yourself is disproportionate. It is unrealistic.. You need to change it. You only feel that way because Negative people influenced you. Those negative people knew it was more beneficial to them to "keep you in your place". Well.. A message to the bullies...... the tide is turning. We "the bullied" are getting stronger. We are here and here to stay. :-)
  3. That's really sweet, RatBoy, I am willing you to find a girlfriend :-)
  4. Had a bath this morning because I'd not had one all week. So then I go and exercise at lunchtime..... And am all hot and sweaty. So I take a shower! Twice in one day. Is this a record?
  5. Time we revitalised this hugging thread...... Hugs to all for the weekend.
  6. CocoAsfora.... I really feel for you. I was in a very, very similar situation about 2 hers go. My brother died as a result of alcohol & drug abuse but my parents refused to accept this was the cause of his death. I was 'expected' to play the dutiful daughter. Just as I always have. And of course I did. Thing is, after about 18 months I'd absolutely had enough. I was unable to bite my tongue a moment longer. There was a long history of emotional abuse & bullying when I was a child. This brother was responsible for most of it. My parents denied all knowledge of this happening. I told them that regardless of that I did not want to talk about my departed brother, which Is why I explained to them what had happened. Fortunately this did clear the air somewhat even though things were awkward for some months. Bearing in mind I did not live with my parents and I was under far far less pressure than you bt they nearly drove me insane. They were so negative & also expected me to frequently talk bout my brother and say nice things about him. This is why for me things came to a head. I am not at all surprised the pressure you find yourself under. You simply have to get out of there ..... Go and get that life you are dreaming of. I can relate to why you went back to help but really it is time to move on. It is also time that your parents took responsibility for dealing with their own grief, it is their burden and not something you are solely responsible for resolving. They need to decide whether they wish to remain in this bubble of depression & negativity. Or if they wish to move on. My parents spent a long time very depressed. I know they will never get over the loss of my brother. They will never resolve their feelings entirely. But in fairness to them despite all.... they are happier now than for some time. They were sucking the life out of me. I was speaking to them every few days. Then one day I simply had enough and as I say this when I brought things to a head. I really empathise with you. It isn't a nice place to be & no wonder you feel torn. But I strongly urge you to look at changing things to regain your sense of independence & freedom before they totally bring you down. CocoAsfora, i am very sorry that you suffered such a tragic loss. It is never easy when family members die but when the circumstances are complicated & difficult to come to terms with it really does rip families apart. The feelings and thoughts that come to mind, the complexity of it all really do take their toll. You have been totally selfless but I really feel it is time to do what feels right for you. Sending you hugs & support x
  7. Something amazing happened yesterday..... My manager said thank you to me for putting up with her stressy moods...... This came after a day when I stood my ground with her several times.....l This felt like a huge step forwards...... Just wanted to sure this positive experience it's you all :-)
  8. Well, since I am a woman who is in a relationship with another woman, I am a lesbian. But I don't like 'that' word. It conjures up bd pictures in my head of something scary ..... I remember long before got brave enough to "act" on my feelings, I was "scared" of being labelled (& being ostracised). It's an interesting subject though because ...... I often wonder if heterosexual people have this kind of debate? Would they consider themselves as labelled in some way? What do you think? I believe they might not even think about it.
  9. Hi David. I was on the receiving end of bullying for decades. Really not a nice place to be...... Can I help u at all? I can't promise to fix things but I have (shall we say) come out the other side. So if I can be of help, you let me know....
  10. Well, guess what, a former colleague said to me "you should write it down". Given several people (including the advice here) said this is what I should do, I am going to make notes. It might not be I use it say in a meeting as evidence bit at least it serves to refresh my memory along the way. I can then stay armed as it were. Should it come to it, I can quote firm facts. Certainly this will help me be assertive "if it comes to it". This week I have been training a new person who is going to cover an absence in the office. Well.... This has helped me to see just what a complicated and responsible job I have. Also it has reaffirmed to me that I am good at what I do. If I do end up with something happening over all this, I am going to feel more confident now. She was ok the last couple of days with me but then she was grumpy before lunch. I half expected her to turn but she didnt. I am going to continue working on my assertiveness. If I do, hopefully when she next "bites" .... Instead of getting upset I will remain focused and respond how I would like.
  11. Hmmn I don't know if it would help me writing it down. It is a very good suggestion but we r on,y a small company, the on,y other people more senior than this manager are 2 directors, though I have an ally in a senior accounts person, I think I am going to say something to him. At least then you could say " I have gone on record". So it doesn't need escalating but I have let someone else know I am still somewhat on edge waiting for the next "barrage of abuse". Actually my manager had a go at the senior accounts person yesterday. I was quite astounded how forthright she was with him, even if she was right, I felt she was much too in his ace and she did it very publicly. Typical of her behaviour, I feel if you are going to have a go then you shouldn't do it in front of the whole office! That's very unprofessional. dashingly handsome eh, jarrod? That made me chuckle ... Not least of course because it is obviously true :-)
  12. Put in a really good shift at work.... So busy there was no time for self-doubt or worrying about work related stuff that's been eating away at me lately.
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