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Renster

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  1. For me manic can be a great experience or a nightmare and I don't get to choose. So manic can be wonderful - i.e. getting everything done in no time, cooking, cleaning, working etc. Or it can be horrible because I buy heaps of rubbish which I don't need and I feel stressed, anxious and as if my brain is frozen trying to scream, wired, unable to rest or breathe. It is awful and I'd rather be depressed, but when I'm depressed, I'd rather be manic......
  2. Yeah I understand what you say. Coffee is the only stimulant I have and it is the only thing that keeps me going too, except for the days where even that doesn't work....I needed two cups just to get out of bed this morning.
  3. Every single day of my life. I even struggle when I don't have a job. Funnily enough, I could charm and talk my way into any job, but then after a few months I find it boring or stressful and my mental illness kicks in. I can't stay on an even keel for years like "normal" people can, so either I end up doing everything fast and wonderful or can't do a thing. It is a huge struggle and I try and take it one day at a time, one step at a time to get through the moment. Please know that you are not a loser.Missyx. What are you struggling with at the job at the moment? Are you in a depressive state and find it hard to function or are you stressed? Maybe if you can give us some more information we can help..
  4. I do the same. However, after a few days, I think the coffee causes my body to crash and get even more depressed or causes migraines. I don't have any other answer though.
  5. I feel the same. I've been on Lexapro for about 15 years, but I definitely feel like it hasn't been working so well for a number of years. I haver recently had a large depressive crisis and have a pdoc appointment booked soon and will discuss it then. It's hard isn't it? I don't feel like doing anything let alone things I enjoy either. I wish I could just be normal. I hope you can find a resolution and wishing you the best.
  6. I feel the same. I believe I've been on Lexapro for about 15 years and I am always exhausted. I also suffer from migraines and wonder if Lexapro could be contributing to them. I've tapered off Lexapro over the years slowly from 20mg to 10mg thinking I could wean off completely, but have always gone back up when I felt depression come over me. I am terrified of stopping and terrified of taking them forever as I am exhausted anyway. Over the years my doc has increased my Lexapro to 40mg at different stages, but I found that taking a higher dose than 20mg doesn't seem to improve my moods. I don't think it would hurt to up your Lexapro - perhaps you could make a quick call and check with your pdoc before your appointment as we don't know if you have any other health issues or interacting medication to interfere with increasing your dose. I have a pdoc appointment in a few weeks time and will discuss my medication then as I have found myself in the depths of a major depressive crisis once again. I wish you the best. Let us know how you go.
  7. Don't feel upset. Think about all the years ahead of you. I am 45 and was just diagnosed with bipolar. I knew there was something wrong all my life and it has taken me an enormous amount of self control to function all these years. I am finally medicated and feeling normal at the age of 45. But all i thought was phew better late than never. As Ikkin said, you are not the person you are now if you haven't been through all that you have been through. 50 is not old and you can still make friends. In fact, that is now one of my goals now that I am feeling better able to handle myself. So at the age of 45 (just ever so slightly earlier than you) I am going to attempt things I haven't done before. Like you, I can't remember names, but I won't let that stop me. Ill just tell people that I am hopeless at names and to forgive me. :-) I hope that you will do the same.
  8. Your story seems very close to mine. I think I have been depressed all my life too. In my late 20s I met my current partner and we have been together 20 years. I've always worried, been overly anxious and been emotional and hypersensitive. A "normal" argument would have me sobbing for days. I would even get upset if he didn't eat the lunch I made him!!!! In the last few months my depression got the better of me and I have now been on a medication that is helping me and I recognise my behaviour was irrational (although my partner was never a complete saint either). I'm not sure how to help you, but just wanted to share my story and say hang in there. I am now 44 and wish I was treated earlier. You are in a much better position because you are getting treatment earlier. My partner is very stable and does not react in the same way to situations as I do. I always worried he would leave me too, but I guess after 20 years now, that won't happen. So, yes, I would say your situation is normal, as it was very much like mine. Hang in there and take one day at a time. Try not to let things overwhelm you (I know, easier said than done). Take baby steps and big breaths. Tell those anxious thoughts that nothing is going to happen and just go day by day. All the best.
  9. When I read your post, I could really empathise with you. I am also 44 and was so frightened to try antidepressants. I have carved out what I believe to be a pretty good life and each step of the way for me was a battle. But I thought that was how it was for everyone. I knew no different. In the last 10 months I got to a dark place where all of the skills I has in the past no longer worked. It felt like I had forgotten them. I could not get out of bed for days and felt suicidal. My life was better than ever, yet my mood was worse than ever. Things just did not add up for me. I also kept having pain and migraines in addition to the chronic pain I have suffed since I was young. My GP diagnosed me with depression and put me on Lexapro. Just like you, I read about all the horror stories and was so scared to take them, but reading this board and other boards and finding out how much they helped people, I decided to give it a go. They were not the be it and end all that I expected and did not work for me. Nor did the Tdoc. I learnt from these boards that if you feel you are so ill and need help, keep looking. So I did. I found a pdoc and he changed my meds. I am feeling better than I have for some time. It is not perfect, but much better. I believe I have suffered from MI all my life, but have managed to cope thus far. I have recently moved into a house with a huge wall and gates and love that no one can knock on my door. Lol I've plenty of acquaintances but not one friend. I hide something of myself to everyone, always have. Funnily enough, i am great at being social when singing, but then hide away exhausted after a gig. Enough about me, now onto you....So in the end, I think it is really up to you to whether you take the drugs or not. I believe that I coped somehow all these years, but as I got older, it got worse. By the way, as I was going away for Xmas, I had to go off one med to another in 5 days when it would usually be weeks. It was tough, but I realised that if I really wanted to get off the pills, that I believe I could. I have only had two sessions with the pdoc, but I really like him. Good luck in whatever decision you do make.
  10. Just finished Rearranging my linen cupboards and made sure all the fitted sheets were folded correctly. My OH is thinking I've gone mad. I've gone from someone who could not get out of bed, to skipping around doing all these things that exhaust him just watching me. It can't be the Cymbalta as I've read that it takes at least a week to kick in, that is why I am worried I may be manic. I have been known to do things non stop and then crash into depression. I actually thought that was a normal reaction to doing many things. :-( One thing that worried me reading on the boards is a bipolar person buying all sorts of items that they don't need. I am always doing that - bought hundreds of dollars worth of nail polish because the colors were so pretty and card making paper and items. I don't even wear polish and I have not yet made a card. Funny enough I still get urges to buy these items and still keep buying them even though I KNOW I don't use them. I have not been diagnosed bipolar, only with depression, but reading more about bipolar, I have started to wonder if I may have this too. That is why i wanted to know that can even ONE dose of Cymbalta cause mania? By the way, I LOVE feeling this way. I hope it NEVER stops.
  11. Thanks so much Rahul. I didn't know that some doctors taper and others don't. It's good to know. I hope the early benefits keep going as I just baked bread too - even though my head is zapping and swishing, I have more energy than I have for at least a year. I have not cooked for such a long time. I am astonished that I managed to do these things today and must say I'm excited for the future for the first time. I really really hope that it keeps going like this. It is such a difference to not being able to move from bed, shower etc. :-)
  12. On the wonderful advice from the kind forum members, I saw a pdoc on Thursday. I have been on Lexapro 40mgs without much improvement except that my anxiety decreased. I also think that Lexapro caused me major migraines that I had to go to ER once. I didn't realise how it wasn't helping because my anxiety was greatly improved and that made huge changes in my life. It was when I was feeling very suicidal and just crying and sleeping, that I came to this forum for support and the suggestions were to see a pdoc. Anyway, I did this on Thursday and he wanted me to taper Lexapro to 10mg before using Cymbalta and we had to do it fast as I am going away for Cristmas for a month. So I had to go from 40mg to 10mg in 4 days. I am a very string person having chronic pain and enduring so many operations thati am losing count, but the brain changes in 4 days were tough. I would never drive in this capacity as it is so debilitating. I could not work. Today is the first day of Cymbalta. Before taking it this morning, I felt so ill with brain zaps, nausea, dizziness etc....but now in the afternoon, I have put all my magazines in order from 2003!!!!! I feel very energetic and good. Now I have read that the medicine does not kick in for at least a week. But I had no such energy for at least a year!!!!!! Tomorrow I see the pdoc and I have one more pill that he gave me from his samples to tye me over until tomorrow. Now could this be mania? I don't think it it out of order as many years ago I would go through these phases, but I am, totally surprised that I have had energy to alphabetacize and arrange so many mags over hours in year order!!!!! (This is totally on a whim, as I had no intention of doing this, I just thought it was a good idea). I have not had ANY energy for a year!!!!!! Also if it is mania, I don't want it to go :-( The other thing I can't understand is why he wanted me to taper off Lexapro? Aren't they both similar and can be taken one after he other. It was such hell going down. I will ask him tomorrow, but I wanted to know your thoughts.
  13. Has it ever!!! It helps so much to know that I am not the only one. I feel safe here and don't feel like I will be judged. It has helped me to seek help. It has also made me realise that meds can help me. This forum has helped me see a pdoc and actually be completely and utterly honest with them and tell them my darkest deepest secrets. I think that if I hadnt found this forum, I would still be flailing around in the dark or even worse dead.
  14. Thank you LowinOhio. I must say that you are one of the posters that I read and are genuinely kind, thoughtful and VERY helpful. You may not know how much you help people, but you do. *hug*. Another thing I learnt from these forums is that I must TRUST my pdoc and tell them EVERYTHING. So that is what I did today - no sugar coating. I've never told everything to anyone in my life - even my partner of 18 years, let alone my GP or phsycologist, so that is a major step for me. I am very proud of this big step. Thank you so much for your support. Please know that you have helped someone across the globe in a big way. Thank you.
  15. All these posts are extremely helpful. I just wanted to add that when felt at my worst, I just started with baby steps....that is I created a routine though my day that I could accomplish. It may be as simple as getting up at a set time, washing, researching a job, making healthy meals. Once these activities became easier, I would add something else. It is much to overwhelming to think of everything at once, job, career, girlfriend etc Baby steps is all I asked of myself and with each step got a little further each day. I may have been slow, but steady.
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