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Everything posted by bellerose

  1. Thanks for replying everyone. These past few months have been kinda wild. Through therapy, some soul searching, and acceptance, I think I felt it a couple times and it was really pleasant. It felt like, "If I had to be the person I am now for the rest of my life, I would be content". Then I had to abruptly come off my prozac (40mg) due to pharmacy issues. For almost a week I felt very very close to how I did when I was on it. I ended up getting my prescription filled but I decided to try stopping it altogether. It's been three weeks and I'm starting to revert. I'm feeling really frustrated whenever I think about myself. I feel fully detached to those brief moments of being content. Yesterday and today are just anger. What was once doable activities is now just biting off more than I can chew. Starting a new job soon, school, creative projects with friends and personal passions. Can't get any homework done. Going to procrastinate project deadlines. Haven't had energy to work on passions the past couple weeks so how will I now? Feeling familiar here, coming back with a lesson learned. Normality isn't achievable on my terms.
  2. Jumbling through a couple different topics here: I've been feeling like there's something missing in my relationship the past year or two. Been with my husband for 10 years. I haven't been able to put a finger on it. I have trouble discussing my feelings. I tend to allow myself to brush off my emotional needs if it seems like an inconvenience. If my husband looks busy/stressed, i don't want to interrupt him. Usually it's his de-stressing time and i don't want to take that away from him. I think, it's ok bc i can and should be able to handle myself. So i kept to myself and just tried to appreciate the time do spend with him. I've been doing a lot of changing lately though. I've been learning how to have self worth. I feel like standing up for myself now when i wouldn't have before. Not letting other people's opinions detract me from my truth. This comes with a couple items of baggage: I'm literally in the baby phase of learning to start and commit to these changes. Learning and applying can be so exhausting and frustrating at times. People are not used to seeing me express my feelings. I usually just shoved all the negative feelings down. But they're seeing a different side of me now, one that they are not familiar with. It's extremely uncomfortable. How do i keep the lessons learned from my down times without getting sucked back into them? I'm juggling these things. Today, i found myself struggling with motivation. I was slowly doing some chores/tasks that needed to be done today. I found my mind wandering into i don't even remember where, but it triggered my self loathing thoughts. Over the years, i've just done my best to ignore them when they pop up. I tell myself, hey it's ok just think about something else. I try not to let these pop-up thoughts derail my day. I guess my husband could tell something was wrong. I honestly thought i was doing a good job of ignoring that part of myself, but it was surfacing. He asked me if everything was ok, and i said yea just feeling weird. Usually that's gist of all i relay. But he kept giving me opportunities to share and I just didn't know how. Finally I started talking and i could feel myself wanting to stop, but i couldn't. then, it became a dialogue. he asked me questions, challenged some negative thoughts i was having. He shared specifics on how he handles the tougher emotions. It was a good conversation, but i felt annoyed during it. I felt like he was trying to fix things or fix me. He's seeing my changes as positive and just wants to support me. But some of the things he was telling me was stuff that I figured out in therapy. It was slightly irritating that i had to say "i know" so many times. Then i think, well how could he know what I know if i don't tell him anything. I have mixed emotions about what happened. I'm glad i was able to talk to him. I'm glad he gently encouraged me to talk. I'm glad i got to see more of his deeper. These things make me feel like that's what could be missing in our relationship. But, with my growing self worth, i'm not handling other people offering me words of wisdom very well. I feel pitied and often times it's information/advice i'm already aware of. it makes me feel like they're trying to show/teach me things bc they think i don't know any better. i self teach my self care along with working in therapy. I don't feel like i have to share things i learn about in therapy and practice on my own. But now i'm wondering if i need to start sharing those in order for people to stop telling me what they think i should do.
  3. My husband could tell i wasn't doing so good before i would acknowledge it to myself. That's a not good thing, but also it is.
  4. Feeling more put together, but a bit like an idiot. Chickened out on starting a super tough conversation that needs to be had. I got through the intro stuff as usual ("thanks for chatting with me, this is hard. ive been feeling, uh, well...") but when i need to begin the actual substance i bring up a different conversation that was on the list, but secondary. That went well, but reflecting on it, i can't believe how scared i got. my head went blank and i felt like a deer in headlights. if i didn't have that secondary conversation in mind too then I don't know what i wouldve done.
  5. I had a good experience. It helped lessen symptoms of depression for me for sure. I'm now more stable (not totally though) and can at least be out of bed for all/most of the day. As for anxiety, one side effect was it increased at first while my brain was just getting adjusted to the treatment. But after 2 weeks it went back to normal levels. Finished mine a couple months ago, so we will see if i need to do more sessions or not. in my opinion, it's worth trying if you can. If it does, great. If it doesn't, at least you won't have to wonder. Best of luck! I hope your experience will be good as well!
  6. I don't know how to work through my stresses rn. i have therapy tomorrow so im just kinda sitting waiting for that. I need to talk to my husband about something but i feel like i need to consult with my therapist about approach. asked for a sooner appointment, which might be tough due to thte late minute nature of the request. whether i get therapy today or tomorrow, i just feel like i need to talk to my husband after I've worked out what i wanna say. n i'm not even really sure what i need to say
  7. Join me in going cold turkey with nicotine! Trust me, the vape is just as bad/worse! I smoked cigs/other tobacco products for about 7 years (2008-2015). It didn't take long for me make vaping my primary once i got myself a juul (2015). With how easy it was so use anywhere, i started vaping a lot more frequently than i had smoked previously. Each pod has a packs worth of nicotine in them. On my bad smoking days, I would go through about 1/2 a pack. With my normal vaping, I finish a whole pod per day easily. So basically, my nicotine intake skyrocketed. Fast forward to 2021, i get a physical. Doc says seems like my hearts has extra beats. We do some tests and the heart itself looks structurally fine. After discussing my lifestyle, habits, all that jazz, they say it's most likely impacted by smoking. Tbh i knew it was only a matter of time before all this stuff caught up with me, so i guess that time is now! Doc said that all the patients they've seen have success with quitting said they just put it down one day and never picked it up. Cold turkey is the only way i could see myself quitting so it was reassuring to hear. Had an impromptu hang last night with a friend i hadnt seen in a while. Ran out of pods while at the bar and ended up buying a cigs and smoked practically the whole pack. I feel absolutely disgusting. I'm so over the addiction. I canceled my autoship subscription to juul. I'm on my second to last pod rn. Giving away my devices and their chargers, getting it all out of the house!
  8. Ended up getting to the appointment. 10 min late but they’ll still be able to see me. It was tough to leave, but I know it’ll be worth it.
  9. Have an appointment to get an echocardiogram. I am struggling to prepare to leave the house. Considering cancelling it. Doc didn't seem super concerned, but ordered it anyways to cover all bases. Lead time for new appointment is a month and a half. I just want to stay home, work on my album, and feel my depression through my art. I haven't worked on it in about 2 weeks, today is the first day i felt the urge to work on it again. right now i'm at about 50/50. Still have close to an hour to decide.
  10. Sinking to a new low. I just wanna stop the crying spells as an attempt to step up the tiniest bit.
  11. Things got better, but today made me feel like I can’t do anything right. I hurt the people I love the most by being honest. It’s like my heart breaks every time I hurt them. Heartbreak sucks
  12. I feel you with the stability. Last job I was a lab tech at a startup. Now I work on music to fill the time.
  13. Picking up on signals that mean I’m doing worse. Feels weird bc outwardly I’m able to act more put together. I don’t wanna tell people where my mind has gone, especially if I can get by. Ashamed, tired and desperate.
  14. Well, I’m back again today anyways so I’ll update it’s going a little better. Like for a few minutes at a time I find myself not feeling shitty. But then something pops up in my brain, my heart starts racing, n I get thrown into those frustrating negative loops. Sometimes I notice I’m doing better, n the negative thought see that as an invitation. Sometimes there’s no thoughts that initiate it. It just happens when my brain isn’t distracted enough. I’d like to skip to next week, when this bout has passed.
  15. Apathetic towards living my life. Any sort of slip up makes me feel like I’m so tired of myself. In bed day 2, need to shower but eh too much work. Should eat more than a couple handful of nuts for dinner at 1030PM and breakfast at 1PM. I feel bad for my husband. He’s so sweet n tries to take care of me. I wish I would respond as much as I’m sure he’d want me to
  16. I’m frozen and wanna scream until my chest bursts. I can’t stand me
  17. Have you ever liked yourself? I'm one of those people that hasn't really ever felt this feeling. My husband isn't, so I asked him. He had a sweet response, but that's coming from someone without depression. Anybody here experience the feeling of liking who they are?
  18. Feeling awful. I hate myself. I can’t trust whether my thoughts are logical or irrational. I can’t tell if the decisions I make are being based on real life or my anxieties. I come off as a jerk or maybe stupid. Or just a person who doesn’t care about other peoples problems. I don’t like to talk out my feelings with anyone other than my psych docs. I hate feeling like a burden to people in my personal life. But I know they don’t find it a burden. I 99% of the time feel better afterwards. Still can’t bring myself to believe I’m not a burden when I should be asking for support.
  19. feeling numb and unmotivated. really tempted to spend the day in a dark room watching TV. my husband is having an off day due to very poor sleep. I'm finding myself slightly more sensitive but able to control my reactions a lot better bc i'm also kinda numb. It's easier to just be like, whatever I'll just do "something else". That something else is usually sitting for hours on end hopping in and out of reality. My brain is very drawn to rumination right now. I have to catch myself and then try really hard to pull away. Keeps me frozen in my seat.
  20. Dealing with questions of "why?" why this? why that? but why? There never seems to be a sufficient answer. Why can't I stop asking then?
  21. Has anyone ever been prescribed Lithium while being on Prozac? My pdoc and I have been discussing treatments beyond antidepressants. I've been cycling through various ones for 15 years. Some will work for a while, like years at a time. Others just don't mix well with me or don't quite relieve the symptoms enough. I've been feeling stuck in my treatment for quite some time. I learned a little bit about Lithium in a psych class I took at the community college, and so I wasn't caught off guard to hear that as an option. Initially it was used to alleviate the symptoms of bipolar disorder. But it's been shown to have significant results in alleviating symptoms of unipolar depression (what I have). It's actually pretty neat, but I digress. I was on 40mg of Prozac. Feeling side effects that were bumming me out, but my mood was a lot better. Then I felt the side effects start to effect my quality of life outside of my mood. Which in turn, unsurprisingly effected my mood. I am currently on 30mg of Prozac as step #1 of adding Lithium. I'm a bit getting nervous though. I so desperately want to feel better. But when I think about having to get monthly blood tests, it's dawning on me how much of a process being on this medication can me. I'm starting to feel the difference in just taking a pill versus taking a pill along with monitoring it through my blood. I'm also worried about how it will effect other things in my life, mainly activities when I socialize with friends (alcohol, etc.). I've learned how impactful socializing is to my mental health. Has anybody had this experience?
  22. i need to finally bathe. i'm grossing myself out, but i don't really care
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