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bellerose

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About bellerose

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    Advanced Member

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    Female
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    SF, CA

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  1. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Slightly worried about how my depression leaves my future a constant mystery. I get a lot of anxiety from the unknown, and sometimes my depression will turn into anger and become expressed negatively. I’m afraid one day it’ll spiral out of control, or should I say I’ll spiral out of control. I’m afraid of ruining relationships due to my inability to control my emotions. If I become too dependent on others, not only will I push them away or wear them down, but I would create even more difficult situations in the times when there is no one around to help. I don’t know, I just want to have some idea of where I’m going.
  2. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    This will sound darker than it seems, but at the moment, I have no dreams. I’ve talked more with my fiancé about the situation, spent some time with children, and speculated on what other options for life paths would look like. I no longer know what I want and desire most in life. I am young enough to keep my options open as far as motherhood goes. It may or may not happen and it’s not something worth thinking about rn. I’ve got career, family, friends, n upcoming marriage to tend to at this point in my life.
  3. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I’m confused, lost, hurt, uncertain. All of these mixed with other emotions, but those r the strongest. Truth really does hurt and makes u think.
  4. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    All of my dreams from before were career oriented. I’ve been told by professionals to try a different field. N that was only my most recent experience. I wasn’t even supposed to graduate but the school wanted me out so they gave me a freebie. finding trouble finding my self worth through many negative life experiences.
  5. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    My fiancé I think is in that boat atm. I’ve always been very family oriented. I’ve loved taking care of people and especially pets bc I felt like they were my forvever babies. None of them lived long, but I feel like I was able to provide a good life for them. I know human children r much more to handle, but I always thought the love n care would matter the most. But I’m learning ability may be more important than love. I don’t know if I want to send out my love without the ability to to even handle myself. i also only question my dreams ( many have died already, this was the ultimate one above all else) due to others telling me realistically what I can and cannot do. I’ve learned depression is the grand culprit.
  6. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    What I wanted to hear: I believe you can do this. I know you doubt yourself but I don’t. You’re going to do the best you can and it will be wonderful. What I got: The truth
  7. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    I feel so hurt by his doubts with me handling my depression that I have somewhat spiraled out of control. Being around him hurts rn. I know it will heal but this is the first time I’ve felt this hurt since we’ve been living together. I wake up with him n feel the hurt after we’ve left our bed in the morning. We’ve bounced back from a couple moments like this, so I know we will be ok. But I think I need more space than I originally thought. Trying to find a friend I can spend the night with to get a change of scenery n wake up without the worry of immediately disappointing someone. Maybe this way, I can focus on the tasks and not the why of their necessity. I can only do this for one night since we have family plans later this week. I’m not ready to approach my family with this.
  8. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    Thank you both for your kind words. I have a lot to think about. My fiancé is now suggesting the option of no kids and I am even more heartbroken. He seems to be rethinking why he wanted children in the first place. He said it was what he thought he should do, not necessarily what he wanted to do. My desire to have children remains, although the plans to follow through are not yet determined but beginning to look more and more grim. We should both want it, not just me, not just him. I guess it’s looking like we both may not. I know my reason, I’m just unsure of what he wants and why. I am also sad that these insecurities did not exist before he brought them up. I believe they are valid, but I just thought that these doubts would not come from the person who I’d be sharing this journey with. It hurts. A lot.
  9. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Wow. I can’t believe my world has been turned upside down to a degree I didn’t think would occur again. I really should just give up. That way it would be over n I would find some lasting peace for once.
  10. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Too many topics to think about. I wish I cared enough to think about them all, but what used to feel big is now small potatoes.
  11. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    Edit: PMDD should be replaced with PPD. Got my acronyms mixed there
  12. I understand the desire to follow your dreams. I wanted to before too. But why do we need to set goals in life? Why is it so important to have something to strive towards? My very reachable dream now seems like an impossible to task if i want to do it the right way. There's no point achieving my dream the wrong way, because then it wouldn't be my dream. I guess I need further explanation for it all to make sense. I am 26 years old. In the next 5 years, I will be married, (hopefully) employed, and living in a house with a yard. My fiance and i want to have children. My goal life is to be a mother, a good one. But there are so many factors that come into play. My depression being the most prevalent. I've learned i care about others more than myself. it sounds like a nice thing, but can actually be a big flaw. Anyways, i've always figured i'd care more about my child than any other person in the world, including my future husband. but as the time comes to start life planning, i see people i've known with depression discuss their PMDD. Their lives are more put together than mine. I can't function on a day to day basis. My fiance wants to have kids of our own. for multiple reasons, including potential PMDD, i want to adopt. We agreed to have one child of our own, and adopt another into our future family. Two days ago, we discussed this again. To my surprise, he suggested the option of adopting both. I became worried since i knew how much he wanted a biological one. He expressed his concern about PMDD. I had been letting my fear out in the form of little quips in jest towards him. Turns out, they weren't so much in jest and he picked that up. It didn't mean i wasn't willing to do it, i was just trying to come to terms with the inevitable struggles of depression and pregnancy. He tried his best to delicately bring up the concern without trying to send me the wrong message. The message of "You don't have what it takes to be a mother". At first, i was confident that i could do it. I told him i understood his concern, but that the life of my child will be enough to keep me going. I think he was slightly relieved to hear. Then i thought about it some more the next day. The unwanted message was delivered, but not by him, by me. The doubts of how on earth can i take care of another human being when i struggle to take care of myself came flooding from my insecurities. So now I come to the point of why. If i know i will struggle to provide the life i want for any child, adopted or biological, why should i try? Why should my dream of being a mother outweigh the consequences my child will have to struggle through being my child? I don't think it should. so now, my dream is dying. I'm now scared i will reach the day where i convince myself that i am such a terrible mother that my family will deserve a better life without me. I've been there before and i know what i'm capable of. I don't want to make that choice.
  13. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Surviving no longer seems like a choice
  14. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Too many things to do in life. Not enough strength to do it all. Must pick and choose. But sometimes surviving is the only choice I think I have, everything else seems irrelevant.
  15. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    When I’m alone I’m miserable. When I’m with anyone I make moments for when I’m alone to feel miserable about.
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