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bellerose

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  1. Ended up getting to the appointment. 10 min late but they’ll still be able to see me. It was tough to leave, but I know it’ll be worth it.
  2. Have an appointment to get an echocardiogram. I am struggling to prepare to leave the house. Considering cancelling it. Doc didn't seem super concerned, but ordered it anyways to cover all bases. Lead time for new appointment is a month and a half. I just want to stay home, work on my album, and feel my depression through my art. I haven't worked on it in about 2 weeks, today is the first day i felt the urge to work on it again. right now i'm at about 50/50. Still have close to an hour to decide.
  3. Sinking to a new low. I just wanna stop the crying spells as an attempt to step up the tiniest bit.
  4. Things got better, but today made me feel like I can’t do anything right. I hurt the people I love the most by being honest. It’s like my heart breaks every time I hurt them. Heartbreak sucks
  5. I feel you with the stability. Last job I was a lab tech at a startup. Now I work on music to fill the time.
  6. Picking up on signals that mean I’m doing worse. Feels weird bc outwardly I’m able to act more put together. I don’t wanna tell people where my mind has gone, especially if I can get by. Ashamed, tired and desperate.
  7. Well, I’m back again today anyways so I’ll update it’s going a little better. Like for a few minutes at a time I find myself not feeling shitty. But then something pops up in my brain, my heart starts racing, n I get thrown into those frustrating negative loops. Sometimes I notice I’m doing better, n the negative thought see that as an invitation. Sometimes there’s no thoughts that initiate it. It just happens when my brain isn’t distracted enough. I’d like to skip to next week, when this bout has passed.
  8. Apathetic towards living my life. Any sort of slip up makes me feel like I’m so tired of myself. In bed day 2, need to shower but eh too much work. Should eat more than a couple handful of nuts for dinner at 1030PM and breakfast at 1PM. I feel bad for my husband. He’s so sweet n tries to take care of me. I wish I would respond as much as I’m sure he’d want me to
  9. I’m frozen and wanna scream until my chest bursts. I can’t stand me
  10. Have you ever liked yourself? I'm one of those people that hasn't really ever felt this feeling. My husband isn't, so I asked him. He had a sweet response, but that's coming from someone without depression. Anybody here experience the feeling of liking who they are?
  11. Feeling awful. I hate myself. I can’t trust whether my thoughts are logical or irrational. I can’t tell if the decisions I make are being based on real life or my anxieties. I come off as a jerk or maybe stupid. Or just a person who doesn’t care about other peoples problems. I don’t like to talk out my feelings with anyone other than my psych docs. I hate feeling like a burden to people in my personal life. But I know they don’t find it a burden. I 99% of the time feel better afterwards. Still can’t bring myself to believe I’m not a burden when I should be asking for support.
  12. feeling numb and unmotivated. really tempted to spend the day in a dark room watching TV. my husband is having an off day due to very poor sleep. I'm finding myself slightly more sensitive but able to control my reactions a lot better bc i'm also kinda numb. It's easier to just be like, whatever I'll just do "something else". That something else is usually sitting for hours on end hopping in and out of reality. My brain is very drawn to rumination right now. I have to catch myself and then try really hard to pull away. Keeps me frozen in my seat.
  13. Dealing with questions of "why?" why this? why that? but why? There never seems to be a sufficient answer. Why can't I stop asking then?
  14. Has anyone ever been prescribed Lithium while being on Prozac? My pdoc and I have been discussing treatments beyond antidepressants. I've been cycling through various ones for 15 years. Some will work for a while, like years at a time. Others just don't mix well with me or don't quite relieve the symptoms enough. I've been feeling stuck in my treatment for quite some time. I learned a little bit about Lithium in a psych class I took at the community college, and so I wasn't caught off guard to hear that as an option. Initially it was used to alleviate the symptoms of bipolar disorder. But it's been shown to have significant results in alleviating symptoms of unipolar depression (what I have). It's actually pretty neat, but I digress. I was on 40mg of Prozac. Feeling side effects that were bumming me out, but my mood was a lot better. Then I felt the side effects start to effect my quality of life outside of my mood. Which in turn, unsurprisingly effected my mood. I am currently on 30mg of Prozac as step #1 of adding Lithium. I'm a bit getting nervous though. I so desperately want to feel better. But when I think about having to get monthly blood tests, it's dawning on me how much of a process being on this medication can me. I'm starting to feel the difference in just taking a pill versus taking a pill along with monitoring it through my blood. I'm also worried about how it will effect other things in my life, mainly activities when I socialize with friends (alcohol, etc.). I've learned how impactful socializing is to my mental health. Has anybody had this experience?
  15. i need to finally bathe. i'm grossing myself out, but i don't really care
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