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bellerose

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About bellerose

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    Advanced Member

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    Female
  • Location
    SF, CA

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  1. Woke up gasping out of fear from dreaming this morning. I felt terrible and confused from a nightmare. I don’t ever remember waking of like this before. Lately, my dreams have been so loud. Sleep was once my sanctuary. But with my dreams being mainly anxiety/depressing dreams, it feels like I can’t use sleep as an escape anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing, but I feel like an end of the day break from reality helps me tackle things day by day. It’s just harder when it feels like a continuum.
  2. I have all the time in the world fortunately/unfortunately. I’ve gotten the necessary sleep I needed, but missed one of my only obligations this week I had been looking forward too. I think I’m still tired, but recovery is in process.
  3. I feel alone on a trip with friends celebrating someone’s (and to my surprise mine as well) birthday. I am surrounded by people who love me. But I’ve been so exhausted from fighting the depression+ package that I’m burnt out. I don’t feel like interacting with anyone, but I want to pour my heart out. I know now is not the appropriate time, so it’s a bit of a struggle. But, I consider this practice, for when no one is around and I really do only have me to rely on for support. Apparently I need more practice.
  4. Kinda bummed. Saturday marked another “new beginning” of trying to get on the regular exercise train. I went on a hike in Yosemite. Hiked 2 miles with 1000ft elevation gain to the top of a waterfall. I then sprained my ankle by rolling it. Had to turn around and walk all that way back very slowly and carefully. Now I’m waiting for this thing to heal and I’m beginning to feel depressed again. I’m terrible at crutches, this is my first time ever needing them. I’ve just been staying in the house, going back and forth from bed to couch. My routine TV and various phone apps are beginning to bore me and my mind is left to wander into funks I’ve been able to keep at bay for the first time in a long time. I feel like I’m slipping back. But hoping that not all faith is lost and this is just another speed bump. It’s hard but it’s worth trying to believe.
  5. I hate my brain. I hate the dreams it creates that reinforces my negative perspective on myself. I wake up feeling as if nothing has changed for years. I don’t have much to prove against that, so it feels true.
  6. Told my visit I’d come out and have dinner with her and my dad. Feeling too lazy to take the train out there. I wanna cancel but I’d feel guilty. I know she’d be ok if I cancelled, but probably concerned. I don’t want to make her worry. I feel like I do that enough already. We shall see what I do in the hours to come.
  7. Today was a roller coaster of emotions. Some deep talks with the folks. Emotional breakdown after trigger in front of the whole family. I just couldn’t keep it together. They saw my pain, and therefore felt it. I am the only thing perpetuating this pain. I feel infectious. Most days it’s easy to hide in front of them, but I was confronted with a semi filled childhood photo album. The last page was dedicated to a note, simply typed “Welcome Home (=“ with a big red heart drawn in marker under it. A note from my older sister, that I had forgotten existed. The date on the page written with colorful markers in my 12 year old handwriting marked my homecoming as a shell of my carefree self. I was broken, but finally with my family again.
  8. I miss sleeping through the night. Or at least getting more than 5 hours. I’m constantly exhausted. I spent 12 hours in bed over the course of the night n next morning and got 7.5 hours of sleep. Still felt exhausted, but it was the most sleep I’d gotten in one “night” in about a month.
  9. I’m not quite sure how I’m feeling.
  10. I slept 4 hours total last night. I was mentally exhausted, now I’m physically exhausted as well. On my way to group and I’m not ready. I’m trying to push through and not give up, but my energy has been depleted since I woke up. How can I get through this IOP? Uuuugh
  11. I changed my idea of how a journal should be kept. I adapted what I put on the page to be something I’m more comfortable with while still maintaining its honesty and staying authentic. Last week I wrote my first journal entry in 14 years that I am comfortable with. I don’t want to rip it up or burn it. I want to do more bc I can see the benefit from organizing my thoughts to paper. It’s feel nice.
  12. Starting to feel less optimistic after sitting with my thoughts for a bit. Took a nap due to mental exhaustion. Woke up and didn’t feel too different. I don’t want to eat even though my stomach is pretty empty. I’m going to stay in bed for the rest of the night. Not sure what I’ll do but I’m done working on myself for the day. I’m burnt out. I’ll start again tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll regain my hope with a new day. Right now the light at the end of the tunnel is extinguishing and it’s too far away for me to refuel it. So I’ll let it go out for the rest of the night.
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