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About bellerose

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  1. Update: I was relieved to see that I wasn’t alone with this experience. Thank you 🙂 It took a while for me to contemplate how much the Buspirone was working in my favor. Turns out it was significant enough to keep it going. My Psychiatrist and I worked out the best regimen for this particular med and it’s been working way better. My dreams are back to normal. Again, relieved!! Meds are weird man. It’s a constant experiment with your stability. Exhausting!!
  2. Dreaming has never been unusual to me. But recently, I’ve been having very loud dreams every night. They are usually typical school stress dreams (not knowing when n where my class is, starting a take home exam the day it’s due, being in class and realizing I have no idea what the class is about or what’s going on). I finished my degree over 3 years ago, though the whole college educational experience I had was one that really broke me. These dreams usually involve other stressors in my life that are either very present in reality or issues I haven’t been able to deal with since I’ve been focusing on repairing other aspects of my life. I had my first nightmare in I don’t know how long earlier this month. I can’t remember the last time I woke up terrified and gasping for air before that morning. Anyways, a correlation that might be relevant is starting the Buspirone 5 mg twice daily. I’ve moved my nighttime dose to late afternoon/early evening. Usually about 5 hours before trying to fall asleep. I’ve also been Taking Benadryl almost every night lately since my sleep drastically got worse about 5 months ago (before I started buspirone). anyone else experiencing loud nightly dreaming after starting buspirone? If so, are they anxiety dreams as well? Have you found a way to combat them while staying on buspirone? i kinda just want a little brain break from constantly analyzing and processing my thoughts n feelings. I don’t mind doing it in real life, but while I’m dreaming, I have no influence/control as to where my mind goes and I just have to run with it and wait until I wake up to realize none of my dream stressors actually happened.
  3. Thank you everyone for your perspective, information, advice, and most of all the love you share through your posts. It all means a lot to me. Things have been better lately, but I know this will come up again for me. When it does, I have this I can come to. Posts of reason to remind me I’m not alone and there are ways to cope.
  4. I feel like I have a weird relationship with food. I love food. Sugar and junk especially. I’ve never been comfortable with my weight or how I look. Over the years, various medications have increased my appetite. I didn’t always eat healthy, but it was never junk every single meal. Every now and then if I was feeling particularly unhappy with my body. I’d skip a meal. Nothing too drastic though, this occurrence was actually pretty rare. As of the past couple months, I’ve noticed I’ve been using food to punish myself when I feel like I deserve it. I will not allow myself to eat if I’m feeling bad about myself. This recent trend has never been associated with feelings about my weight/body. Today was the first time my dissatisfaction with my body was a supporting factor of whether or not I deserved to eat today. It just added to this list of reasons I didn't deserve food. After talking to my therapist about how I punish myself, she told me it was a form of self harm. I haven’t really done self harm for a long time. I guess I was kinda shocked and disappointed, although it all makes sense. Previous self harm was much more visible than not eating, so I think I’m a bit scared I’ll feel like it’s the only way I can control getting what I feel like I deserve. I don’t know, I just want a normal relationship with food so I can be healthy.
  5. Been sick since Monday. It’s given me a lot of time to do things like plan my bachelorette weekend. But now I gotta start executing some of those plans and I’m still sick. My case of the grumps started last night and evolved into a bit of self loathing and giving up today. Felt a little better during therapy. But the motivation to do anything quickly disappeared. I feel kinda depressed rn and I don’t really want to do anything about it. Having dinner with friends tonight so at least I’ll get out for a bit.
  6. I made my post after an overwhelming evening with some friends who were drunk. I wasn’t feeling well physically so I left the bars early to lay down. In their drunk state they thought it meant I had anxiety. Back at home base (a friends house) They proceeded to tell me I shouldn’t worry about certain things I worry about (none of which I had brought up to them recently). I broke and began to cry bc I had a hard time listening to them list out my problems and why I shouldn’t stress over them. I froze and sat crying for 15 min as they hugged me and talked over each other trying to console me. It was definitely a weird and unexpected situation. i think I was feeling that way bc I knew their hearts were in the right place. All they were trying to do was make sure I was ok. Eventually, I had to have a talk with them when they were sober and explain why I was uncomfortable that entire time. But I know it stemmed from care. One of them struggles with anxiety as well, but I think she’s starting to learn we deal with it differently. She was trying to do what she thought I needed based on having been through anxiety moments herself. But that whole weekend sucked regardless. Learned that nobody trusts my judgement when it comes to doing things I need to do to take care of myself. I love my friends, I love my fiancé, but I saw how they really viewed me this weekend. It took a lot of crummy stuff to happen to get them to understand their actions reflected their lack of confidence in my judgement. They all feel bad about it, but honestly, I don’t care. This lesson was/is valuable to me: I know how to take care of myself. If anybody tells me I shouldn’t do what I think is best for me, they can **** off. Sorry for the rant, did not think it would be this long 😂😂😂
  7. Why do I have ideation as people say nice things to me?
  8. Broken down sober in front of drunk friends. A lot of time spent listening to their kind words, but no room for myself to reply. So I just let them talk about things they might have thought was bothering me. I went from hyping myself up to hang out with friends coming from the bars to the focal point of two girls talking over each other trying to comfort me. It was very overwhelming. And since they were drunk, it felt like too much effort to convince them that I didn’t needed to be prodded. So I let them talk until I had an opportunity to take myself aside with my fiancé.
  9. Woke up gasping out of fear from dreaming this morning. I felt terrible and confused from a nightmare. I don’t ever remember waking of like this before. Lately, my dreams have been so loud. Sleep was once my sanctuary. But with my dreams being mainly anxiety/depressing dreams, it feels like I can’t use sleep as an escape anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing, but I feel like an end of the day break from reality helps me tackle things day by day. It’s just harder when it feels like a continuum.
  10. I have all the time in the world fortunately/unfortunately. I’ve gotten the necessary sleep I needed, but missed one of my only obligations this week I had been looking forward too. I think I’m still tired, but recovery is in process.
  11. I feel alone on a trip with friends celebrating someone’s (and to my surprise mine as well) birthday. I am surrounded by people who love me. But I’ve been so exhausted from fighting the depression+ package that I’m burnt out. I don’t feel like interacting with anyone, but I want to pour my heart out. I know now is not the appropriate time, so it’s a bit of a struggle. But, I consider this practice, for when no one is around and I really do only have me to rely on for support. Apparently I need more practice.
  12. Kinda bummed. Saturday marked another “new beginning” of trying to get on the regular exercise train. I went on a hike in Yosemite. Hiked 2 miles with 1000ft elevation gain to the top of a waterfall. I then sprained my ankle by rolling it. Had to turn around and walk all that way back very slowly and carefully. Now I’m waiting for this thing to heal and I’m beginning to feel depressed again. I’m terrible at crutches, this is my first time ever needing them. I’ve just been staying in the house, going back and forth from bed to couch. My routine TV and various phone apps are beginning to bore me and my mind is left to wander into funks I’ve been able to keep at bay for the first time in a long time. I feel like I’m slipping back. But hoping that not all faith is lost and this is just another speed bump. It’s hard but it’s worth trying to believe.
  13. I hate my brain. I hate the dreams it creates that reinforces my negative perspective on myself. I wake up feeling as if nothing has changed for years. I don’t have much to prove against that, so it feels true.
  14. Told my visit I’d come out and have dinner with her and my dad. Feeling too lazy to take the train out there. I wanna cancel but I’d feel guilty. I know she’d be ok if I cancelled, but probably concerned. I don’t want to make her worry. I feel like I do that enough already. We shall see what I do in the hours to come.
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