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About bellerose

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    SF, CA

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  1. Dealing with questions of "why?" why this? why that? but why? There never seems to be a sufficient answer. Why can't I stop asking then?
  2. Has anyone ever been prescribed Lithium while being on Prozac? My pdoc and I have been discussing treatments beyond antidepressants. I've been cycling through various ones for 15 years. Some will work for a while, like years at a time. Others just don't mix well with me or don't quite relieve the symptoms enough. I've been feeling stuck in my treatment for quite some time. I learned a little bit about Lithium in a psych class I took at the community college, and so I wasn't caught off guard to hear that as an option. Initially it was used to alleviate the symptoms of bipolar disorder. But it's been shown to have significant results in alleviating symptoms of unipolar depression (what I have). It's actually pretty neat, but I digress. I was on 40mg of Prozac. Feeling side effects that were bumming me out, but my mood was a lot better. Then I felt the side effects start to effect my quality of life outside of my mood. Which in turn, unsurprisingly effected my mood. I am currently on 30mg of Prozac as step #1 of adding Lithium. I'm a bit getting nervous though. I so desperately want to feel better. But when I think about having to get monthly blood tests, it's dawning on me how much of a process being on this medication can me. I'm starting to feel the difference in just taking a pill versus taking a pill along with monitoring it through my blood. I'm also worried about how it will effect other things in my life, mainly activities when I socialize with friends (alcohol, etc.). I've learned how impactful socializing is to my mental health. Has anybody had this experience?
  3. i need to finally bathe. i'm grossing myself out, but i don't really care
  4. The comfort I “needed” from my husband took time away from his to do list. I kept saying “I don’t want to bother you, I know you took the day off to get stuff done. I know you need to reply to a billion people” but he said it was ok and that he would be fine. Overall, he’s ok rn. But I can tell having that day off to clear his head for the work week and all the hours of completing tasks that follow is what he needed for his mental health. I’ve been depressed before, nothing new. I’ve spent the day in bed before. I’ve said I don’t wanna be here anymore, but luckily I don’t have any motivation to even move so I’m safe. he said there isn’t anything I can do today to help him. They’re all single person tasks that he probably has specifics in mind for. seeing him frustrated from a different start of the work week than he had planned really sucked. I could’ve just told him I’ll bounce back, bc isn’t that what we always do? It’s a part of the cycle. He deserves a normal life, or at least one where the partner he has allows him to have his own life. I can’t hold a job. I contribute no income. There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife, n that’s what my life looks like right now. But since it’s not what I wanted for myself personally, my college education in science is worthless to me personally and professionally. On top of that, I’m a subpar housewife who is terrible at cleaning. people are right about me. I’m incapable
  5. I’m so tired of who I am and the way I am. Thinking the general population of my peers would matured with age feels like such a childish notion. Now it’s led me to feeling angry, more isolated, less intelligent, and just like an overall bad person. Over the last 5-6 years, I’ve become cynical and jaded. Standing up for myself or any groups I identify with has meant more to me now bc I’m so tired of ignoring people’s perpetuating opinions of things they cannot relate to and don’t pertain to them. I’m over it. I don’t wanna keep living in a world where I am constantly trying to remind myself that people I love are not wholly in the belief of human equality. When I’m lucky, a 2 minute conversation can change perspective. But normally, it just looks like I’m trying to bitch about something.
  6. I was told so many times, it’s ok to be angry. I’ve always understood emotions are human and unavoidable. But I guess a lot of people saw me as an angry kid. People who knew me outside of school wouldn’t agree, but that was the reputation I had eventually amongst my hometown. I don’t like anger. It’s annoying. But I understand it’s something that everyone experiences. I just think I don’t know how to deal with mine.
  7. Update: I was relieved to see that I wasn’t alone with this experience. Thank you It took a while for me to contemplate how much the Buspirone was working in my favor. Turns out it was significant enough to keep it going. My Psychiatrist and I worked out the best regimen for this particular med and it’s been working way better. My dreams are back to normal. Again, relieved!! Meds are weird man. It’s a constant experiment with your stability. Exhausting!!
  8. Dreaming has never been unusual to me. But recently, I’ve been having very loud dreams every night. They are usually typical school stress dreams (not knowing when n where my class is, starting a take home exam the day it’s due, being in class and realizing I have no idea what the class is about or what’s going on). I finished my degree over 3 years ago, though the whole college educational experience I had was one that really broke me. These dreams usually involve other stressors in my life that are either very present in reality or issues I haven’t been able to deal with since I’ve been focusing on repairing other aspects of my life. I had my first nightmare in I don’t know how long earlier this month. I can’t remember the last time I woke up terrified and gasping for air before that morning. Anyways, a correlation that might be relevant is starting the Buspirone 5 mg twice daily. I’ve moved my nighttime dose to late afternoon/early evening. Usually about 5 hours before trying to fall asleep. I’ve also been Taking Benadryl almost every night lately since my sleep drastically got worse about 5 months ago (before I started buspirone). anyone else experiencing loud nightly dreaming after starting buspirone? If so, are they anxiety dreams as well? Have you found a way to combat them while staying on buspirone? i kinda just want a little brain break from constantly analyzing and processing my thoughts n feelings. I don’t mind doing it in real life, but while I’m dreaming, I have no influence/control as to where my mind goes and I just have to run with it and wait until I wake up to realize none of my dream stressors actually happened.
  9. Thank you everyone for your perspective, information, advice, and most of all the love you share through your posts. It all means a lot to me. Things have been better lately, but I know this will come up again for me. When it does, I have this I can come to. Posts of reason to remind me I’m not alone and there are ways to cope.
  10. I feel like I have a weird relationship with food. I love food. Sugar and junk especially. I’ve never been comfortable with my weight or how I look. Over the years, various medications have increased my appetite. I didn’t always eat healthy, but it was never junk every single meal. Every now and then if I was feeling particularly unhappy with my body. I’d skip a meal. Nothing too drastic though, this occurrence was actually pretty rare. As of the past couple months, I’ve noticed I’ve been using food to punish myself when I feel like I deserve it. I will not allow myself to eat if I’m feeling bad about myself. This recent trend has never been associated with feelings about my weight/body. Today was the first time my dissatisfaction with my body was a supporting factor of whether or not I deserved to eat today. It just added to this list of reasons I didn't deserve food. After talking to my therapist about how I punish myself, she told me it was a form of self harm. I haven’t really done self harm for a long time. I guess I was kinda shocked and disappointed, although it all makes sense. Previous self harm was much more visible than not eating, so I think I’m a bit scared I’ll feel like it’s the only way I can control getting what I feel like I deserve. I don’t know, I just want a normal relationship with food so I can be healthy.
  11. Been sick since Monday. It’s given me a lot of time to do things like plan my bachelorette weekend. But now I gotta start executing some of those plans and I’m still sick. My case of the grumps started last night and evolved into a bit of self loathing and giving up today. Felt a little better during therapy. But the motivation to do anything quickly disappeared. I feel kinda depressed rn and I don’t really want to do anything about it. Having dinner with friends tonight so at least I’ll get out for a bit.
  12. I made my post after an overwhelming evening with some friends who were drunk. I wasn’t feeling well physically so I left the bars early to lay down. In their drunk state they thought it meant I had anxiety. Back at home base (a friends house) They proceeded to tell me I shouldn’t worry about certain things I worry about (none of which I had brought up to them recently). I broke and began to cry bc I had a hard time listening to them list out my problems and why I shouldn’t stress over them. I froze and sat crying for 15 min as they hugged me and talked over each other trying to console me. It was definitely a weird and unexpected situation. i think I was feeling that way bc I knew their hearts were in the right place. All they were trying to do was make sure I was ok. Eventually, I had to have a talk with them when they were sober and explain why I was uncomfortable that entire time. But I know it stemmed from care. One of them struggles with anxiety as well, but I think she’s starting to learn we deal with it differently. She was trying to do what she thought I needed based on having been through anxiety moments herself. But that whole weekend sucked regardless. Learned that nobody trusts my judgement when it comes to doing things I need to do to take care of myself. I love my friends, I love my fiancé, but I saw how they really viewed me this weekend. It took a lot of crummy stuff to happen to get them to understand their actions reflected their lack of confidence in my judgement. They all feel bad about it, but honestly, I don’t care. This lesson was/is valuable to me: I know how to take care of myself. If anybody tells me I shouldn’t do what I think is best for me, they can **** off. Sorry for the rant, did not think it would be this long
  13. Why do I have ideation as people say nice things to me?
  14. Broken down sober in front of drunk friends. A lot of time spent listening to their kind words, but no room for myself to reply. So I just let them talk about things they might have thought was bothering me. I went from hyping myself up to hang out with friends coming from the bars to the focal point of two girls talking over each other trying to comfort me. It was very overwhelming. And since they were drunk, it felt like too much effort to convince them that I didn’t needed to be prodded. So I let them talk until I had an opportunity to take myself aside with my fiancé.
  15. Woke up gasping out of fear from dreaming this morning. I felt terrible and confused from a nightmare. I don’t ever remember waking of like this before. Lately, my dreams have been so loud. Sleep was once my sanctuary. But with my dreams being mainly anxiety/depressing dreams, it feels like I can’t use sleep as an escape anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing, but I feel like an end of the day break from reality helps me tackle things day by day. It’s just harder when it feels like a continuum.
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