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About bellerose

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    SF, CA

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  1. Feeling lost and alone rn. It's comforting bc it's familiar. It's depressing bc I'm not really living.
  2. I'm an insensitive prick who can't communicate properly and rubs people the wrong way.
  3. I wish I loved myself as I see so many women do. So many people do. I want to love myself for who I am physically and who I am emotionally. I can work on physical easier than emotional. I feel motivated to increase my exercise, but loving who I am emotionally is a scary process that means accepting my brain for what it is. I don’t love my brain the way it is now, so I have to change it before I can accept it. And that will take a lot more work than exercising in my book.
  4. It ended up coming up organically and we talked a lot last night. My fears consumed me with catastrophizing the outcomes of opening up to him about feeling like I needed something more. I told him it confuses me. I told him I don’t really understand how it came to be this way. We talked a lot last night. There was crying from me. Sadness from him. But no anger. I believe this is just one of the bumps in the life long road of partnership. We are on the same page, we can get better. I need to communicate better and with less hesitation. I need to trust that he loves me enough to want try to find solutions, not run away. It’s when I get that notion in my head that I seem to close those thoughts off and want to hide them, hoping I can find a solution on my own. But I’m in a partnership and I’m not alone. If it involves him, I share. That’s how it has to be. Then I can avoid the guilt and shame for feeling feelings for so long. What it really comes down to is not feeling excited in the bedroom anymore. This is my only issue with the relationship. Last night, he called me perfect. I feel like he’s perfect in every way except in the bedroom. It’s not that everything is unsatisfying, it’s just that I know we could be better because of what it felt like with him in the past. So we will work it out. We will push our boundaries. We are trying to avoid therapy, but I know he is willing if it’s what I want. This problem has been made apparent only recently. I’d like us to try together on our own before bringing in a professional.
  5. We have talked about mixing things between us but that has yet to really go into effect. I'm hopeful, but feeling impatient. Another reason to feel guilty.
  6. I am in a long term relationship with a man who has been there for me countless times, loves me for who I am, never has tried to change me and so many other wonderful things that makes me love him more than I have ever loved anyone. He is my life partner. A few years ago, I gave up on exploring my sexuality by bringing someone into our bedroom. Originally he had agreed, but it never went further than conversation when I'd bring it up. Finally we had an experience that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I got a bit of exploration, but I still feel like I want more. I tried to suggest an open relationship but he has zero interest. Since this is something I believe both people need to agree on, nothing has happened outside of our relationship. I'm getting bored in the bedroom, he isn't as interested in expanding our sex lives in the same way as me, but we have been trying other things. I still don't feel like it's enough though. I've approached him about it and I told him I feel guilty for my feelings. He told me I shouldn't feel guilty for the way I feel. But I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll live my life with the perfect man, but always wonder about experiences with others. It's either that, or leave the man I love for what'll feel like pure lust. I don't like elements of either outcome and I know if I just had a few experiences, I'd at least not wonder so much. I guess I need advice on the guilt I having for wanting to explore. I will never cross his boundaries. I've pushed them in the past, we talked about it, and came to a better understanding of relationship expectations. But the guilt of my thoughts are making me depressed. I don't want to tell him that's the reason I'm depressed. He already knows how I feel about it but there's not much else to say. I wouldn't know how to explain that it's making me depressed. I know he would feel bad, and I've already done that to him by opening up in the first place. Do I wait for more experiences with my partner before bringing this up again? If I brought it up, what do I say? He already knows how I feel, just not that it's now making me depressed.
  7. Feeling guilty about feelings. I don't know how I genuinely feel and I don't know how much to share. I just want everything to work out. I need to put certain desires aside for something that's good. Something I've wanted my whole life. But now that I'm an adult, I find other needs in my life that want attention. I just don't know how to solve them without destroying my future happiness.
  8. I tried, barely, to start. Didn’t even get the new book out of its plastic. I began to feel anxious and scared it would somehow still fall in the wrong hands. I told my fiancé I needed the bedroom to myself for a bit to concentrate on something and I needed full privacy. He began to ask questions. I told him no one could know what I was doing, not him or my therapist even. He went quiet for a bit n I can tell he was worried. I told him it wasn’t anything bad, so he asked if it was something to better myself. I said yes and he left it at that. The whole interaction made me second guess trying to keep a journal. I became anxious about my feelings and what it meant to document them. I’ll still try again, but not tonight.
  9. Confused on so many items in the data i'm supposed to enter. I'm not sure how i can finish it without constantly asking questions, pulling people away from their work while i'm at home. My plan is to do as much of the work that was asked of me as i can, then continue onto other things. I'll make a list of things i need to ask then ask before the weekend. Once I have my questions answered i can finish that work over the weekend.
  10. I want to get back into journaling. However, a part of my PTSD was having my diary at 12 years old (14 years ago) confiscated and taken to court as evidence in a trial. My whole personal world was read in front of my parents, lawyers, cops, a judge, and all the other folks who sat behind me in my darkest hour. I know the odds of this ever happening again are slim to none. I know journaling is important for improving mental health. But to be honest, I’m scared. How can I keep a journal safe? Is it ok to even let my therapist know I have one? I don’t even know if I’ll tell my partner. I trust him wholeheartedly, but my brain catastrophizes.
  11. Adventure Time. After finishing Steven Universe, my fiancé and I began watching it. Such a fun light hearted show so far. I love it.
  12. Still feeling a bit ill. Slept less than six hours. Can’t fall back asleep. Will probably have to work from home today, although there is only so much I can do. I may as well try to get it done though. Still nervous about freaking people out by going to work with the sniffles. They’re pretty bad sniffles though so I feel like I sound sicker than I am. And as a lab tech, it’s very inefficient to keep taking my gloves off to blow my nose so I just keep sniffling.
  13. Working tonight at home even though I’m sick. I hope I can do enough to show that I’m putting in effort, but I feel all foggy from being sick. Gonna give myself 30 minutes of relaxation and rest then start.
  14. I put in my two weeks on Friday. Got sick this weekend. Missed a day of work yesterday due to illness. Worked a half day today leaving early due to the same illness. Hopefully I can rest enough today to make it through a whole day tomorrow. I don’t want my time ending there to be me not showing up for half of it. I get it, I’m sick and shouldn’t infect people. I just feel guilty for being so useless.
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