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About bellerose

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    SF, CA

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  1. I hate my brain. I hate the dreams it creates that reinforces my negative perspective on myself. I wake up feeling as if nothing has changed for years. I don’t have much to prove against that, so it feels true.
  2. Told my visit I’d come out and have dinner with her and my dad. Feeling too lazy to take the train out there. I wanna cancel but I’d feel guilty. I know she’d be ok if I cancelled, but probably concerned. I don’t want to make her worry. I feel like I do that enough already. We shall see what I do in the hours to come.
  3. Today was a roller coaster of emotions. Some deep talks with the folks. Emotional breakdown after trigger in front of the whole family. I just couldn’t keep it together. They saw my pain, and therefore felt it. I am the only thing perpetuating this pain. I feel infectious. Most days it’s easy to hide in front of them, but I was confronted with a semi filled childhood photo album. The last page was dedicated to a note, simply typed “Welcome Home (=“ with a big red heart drawn in marker under it. A note from my older sister, that I had forgotten existed. The date on the page written with colorful markers in my 12 year old handwriting marked my homecoming as a shell of my carefree self. I was broken, but finally with my family again.
  4. I miss sleeping through the night. Or at least getting more than 5 hours. I’m constantly exhausted. I spent 12 hours in bed over the course of the night n next morning and got 7.5 hours of sleep. Still felt exhausted, but it was the most sleep I’d gotten in one “night” in about a month.
  5. I’m not quite sure how I’m feeling.
  6. I slept 4 hours total last night. I was mentally exhausted, now I’m physically exhausted as well. On my way to group and I’m not ready. I’m trying to push through and not give up, but my energy has been depleted since I woke up. How can I get through this IOP? Uuuugh
  7. I changed my idea of how a journal should be kept. I adapted what I put on the page to be something I’m more comfortable with while still maintaining its honesty and staying authentic. Last week I wrote my first journal entry in 14 years that I am comfortable with. I don’t want to rip it up or burn it. I want to do more bc I can see the benefit from organizing my thoughts to paper. It’s feel nice.
  8. Starting to feel less optimistic after sitting with my thoughts for a bit. Took a nap due to mental exhaustion. Woke up and didn’t feel too different. I don’t want to eat even though my stomach is pretty empty. I’m going to stay in bed for the rest of the night. Not sure what I’ll do but I’m done working on myself for the day. I’m burnt out. I’ll start again tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll regain my hope with a new day. Right now the light at the end of the tunnel is extinguishing and it’s too far away for me to refuel it. So I’ll let it go out for the rest of the night.
  9. Trying to confront feelings and reactions to trauma talk. Group helps, but it’s scary. Changing perspective on something that has been ongoing for 14 years now is quite the challenge. I was nervous to talk about it and felt like shutting down this part of myself. So I told the group that I was feeling uneasy with my emotions and I need to combat the part of me urging to suppress. Verbalizing helped me step into those emotions a bit more and (try to) explore them without judgement (self criticism and self judgement for me is like a knee jerk reaction, so automatic). Hearing other people and their experiences/perspectives was helpful. I’m scared to continue, but that glimmer of hope, that faint light at the end of the tunnel is helping me to keep going. I’ll ride that out for as long as I can.
  10. The fiancé is coming home early today so I’m happy for that. I had another good session at group today. I have good momentum from it, but I’m nervous about hitting a wall and wanting to call it quits. It always becomes difficult at some point. Anticipation is not my friend in this case. Hoping to stay in the present more.
  11. Wow. Words cannot express my appreciation for your post. Thank you for your kind words. I never really thought about whether or not my posts help others. I feel like I rely on all of you to help me actually! The support and advice I receive here really shatters the isolation for me too. You guys are here for me 24/7 and that’s awesome. I’m so happy I continue to post here. I always receive positivity from this community and I know we can all appreciate that. :)
  12. Thank you for the reassurance. I haven’t seen my therapist or psychiatrist yet since the intake. But I talked a bit about it in group today. I feel like this is a new and positive support system. I haven’t seen a therapist trained in EMDR. I did do trauma focused therapy for a bit, but the therapist ended up moving so I changed to someone who isn’t a trauma specialist. I really like her, she was the one who recommended the IOP. I’m hoping this program continues to help, but maybe EDMR is a good next step if I’m still feeling overwhelmed.
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