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About bellerose

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    SF, CA

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  1. bellerose


    I tried, barely, to start. Didn’t even get the new book out of its plastic. I began to feel anxious and scared it would somehow still fall in the wrong hands. I told my fiancé I needed the bedroom to myself for a bit to concentrate on something and I needed full privacy. He began to ask questions. I told him no one could know what I was doing, not him or my therapist even. He went quiet for a bit n I can tell he was worried. I told him it wasn’t anything bad, so he asked if it was something to better myself. I said yes and he left it at that. The whole interaction made me second guess trying to keep a journal. I became anxious about my feelings and what it meant to document them. I’ll still try again, but not tonight.
  2. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    Confused on so many items in the data i'm supposed to enter. I'm not sure how i can finish it without constantly asking questions, pulling people away from their work while i'm at home. My plan is to do as much of the work that was asked of me as i can, then continue onto other things. I'll make a list of things i need to ask then ask before the weekend. Once I have my questions answered i can finish that work over the weekend.
  3. bellerose


    I want to get back into journaling. However, a part of my PTSD was having my diary at 12 years old (14 years ago) confiscated and taken to court as evidence in a trial. My whole personal world was read in front of my parents, lawyers, cops, a judge, and all the other folks who sat behind me in my darkest hour. I know the odds of this ever happening again are slim to none. I know journaling is important for improving mental health. But to be honest, I’m scared. How can I keep a journal safe? Is it ok to even let my therapist know I have one? I don’t even know if I’ll tell my partner. I trust him wholeheartedly, but my brain catastrophizes.
  4. bellerose

    ejc's "What are you watching right now?" Thread, Part 2

    Adventure Time. After finishing Steven Universe, my fiancé and I began watching it. Such a fun light hearted show so far. I love it.
  5. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    Still feeling a bit ill. Slept less than six hours. Can’t fall back asleep. Will probably have to work from home today, although there is only so much I can do. I may as well try to get it done though. Still nervous about freaking people out by going to work with the sniffles. They’re pretty bad sniffles though so I feel like I sound sicker than I am. And as a lab tech, it’s very inefficient to keep taking my gloves off to blow my nose so I just keep sniffling.
  6. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    Working tonight at home even though I’m sick. I hope I can do enough to show that I’m putting in effort, but I feel all foggy from being sick. Gonna give myself 30 minutes of relaxation and rest then start.
  7. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    I put in my two weeks on Friday. Got sick this weekend. Missed a day of work yesterday due to illness. Worked a half day today leaving early due to the same illness. Hopefully I can rest enough today to make it through a whole day tomorrow. I don’t want my time ending there to be me not showing up for half of it. I get it, I’m sick and shouldn’t infect people. I just feel guilty for being so useless.
  8. I’ve been on Pristiq a few years now but my depression and anxiety have increased lately. My new doc and I have talked it over and decided to try Effexor XR since they are similar. Did anybody try this and was there a difference? I’m curious because of my understanding of how the body processes Effexor. If it is correct, Effexor turns into Pristiq once it’s processed in the liver. Please tell me your understanding of the drug if this is wrong! Thanks.
  9. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Need therapy soon. Waiting for the doc to come back. It’ll be about 3 weeks without a session. There’s been family drama, relationship drama, and life crisis periods. I honestly thought I was getting better and the past 6 months say otherwise.
  10. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Still trying to learn how to not lean on others. People all around the world suffer like I do and have no help from anybody. That’s my goal. To not need people. I have people I can go to, but one is tired n the others I fear will tire if I continue expressing my depression n anxiety. Independence is what I strive for. Today, was the first day I gave up fully. I left work after only 2 hours n am going home to someone who isn’t obligated to take care of me yet I will ask him too. I suck.
  11. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Slightly worried about how my depression leaves my future a constant mystery. I get a lot of anxiety from the unknown, and sometimes my depression will turn into anger and become expressed negatively. I’m afraid one day it’ll spiral out of control, or should I say I’ll spiral out of control. I’m afraid of ruining relationships due to my inability to control my emotions. If I become too dependent on others, not only will I push them away or wear them down, but I would create even more difficult situations in the times when there is no one around to help. I don’t know, I just want to have some idea of where I’m going.
  12. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    This will sound darker than it seems, but at the moment, I have no dreams. I’ve talked more with my fiancé about the situation, spent some time with children, and speculated on what other options for life paths would look like. I no longer know what I want and desire most in life. I am young enough to keep my options open as far as motherhood goes. It may or may not happen and it’s not something worth thinking about rn. I’ve got career, family, friends, n upcoming marriage to tend to at this point in my life.
  13. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I’m confused, lost, hurt, uncertain. All of these mixed with other emotions, but those r the strongest. Truth really does hurt and makes u think.
  14. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    All of my dreams from before were career oriented. I’ve been told by professionals to try a different field. N that was only my most recent experience. I wasn’t even supposed to graduate but the school wanted me out so they gave me a freebie. finding trouble finding my self worth through many negative life experiences.
  15. bellerose

    Why do I need to accomplish my dreams?

    My fiancé I think is in that boat atm. I’ve always been very family oriented. I’ve loved taking care of people and especially pets bc I felt like they were my forvever babies. None of them lived long, but I feel like I was able to provide a good life for them. I know human children r much more to handle, but I always thought the love n care would matter the most. But I’m learning ability may be more important than love. I don’t know if I want to send out my love without the ability to to even handle myself. i also only question my dreams ( many have died already, this was the ultimate one above all else) due to others telling me realistically what I can and cannot do. I’ve learned depression is the grand culprit.