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bellerose

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About bellerose

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    Member

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    SF, CA

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  1. bellerose

    Why bother?

    thank you for your kind words. luckily, no one has taken any problems with my sexuality not being straight. n i wish the situation was simple enough to describe here. but i've been approached by my fiance about his boundaries and how i have crossed them, and i've nervous i've done the same to others. it all stems from feeling like i want more. but for someone like me, i need to choose between sexuality and my other life goals. if i were straight it would be easier, but i think there would still be some issues regardless.
  2. bellerose

    Why bother?

    Well, my sexuality has caused friendship and relationship problems. I've learned acting straight is a lot easier than accepting my bisexuality. Also just trying to be in touch with my sexuality in general and being open about it has caused discomfort amongst people who i didn't expect it too. I just feel ashamed for my libido and thinking i was close enough to people to talk to about it. The only thing that i've found that isn't boring is performing: acting and singing. And unless I spend all my time practicing either one of those, there's no way i could find employment of some sort. Plus, that industry is beyond the effort i want to put in. I'm currently looking to apply my physics degree somewhere in a laboratory, but a BS in physics doesn't go very far i've found.
  3. bellerose

    Why bother?

    Life is not fulfilling. I am jobless and spend most of my days doing nothing, literally nothing. I am struggling to find work and worried that once I do I won't be able to handle employment. I feel like giving up on life. Not out of massive depression, but out of boredom and hopelessness. In personal life, I feel like my desires and openness make people uncomfortable. if i need to hide who i am, why bother being who i am. why not just, stop being? I know this is depression, but it feels different than most times. Most times, I cry and review all the reasons i should. but this time, i'm just tired of my day to day and filtering myself. I don't know if I want to put the work into living a good life. I've had a good life up until this point. Sometimes that feels like enough.
  4. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    What do you do when you are tired of being alive? Life seems bothersome to trudge through. I feel slightly depressed, but mainly fed up with the struggles that come along in life. Tbh, in comparison to most, life doesn't give me much troubles. But for a brain like mine, its enough for me to feel this way.
  5. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Things are weird, but i have fun plans for the weekend. i'm excited, nervous, happy, but in the back of my mind a little sad. Thankfully not hopeless, just sad. It's a busy time for me starting this afternoon and ending Monday. I'll make it through. It'll be fine. I'll be distracted by fun and loads of wonderful company.
  6. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Everything’s whatever. Feeling unmotivated and tired. Not necessarily depressed, but not functioning where I’d like to be.
  7. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    i'm having a hard time figuring out what to think. I guess i make people uncomfortable sometimes so they filter what they say. found out others think they're doing me a favor. i'm so honored for all the pity people take on me. the particular topic that is filtered is one that i enjoy a lot, but i guess does something to me that people must not like seeing, idk it's confusing. but at least i know who i shouldn't talk to about what. n i only talk about this with like 2 people so i'll go back to keeping those thoughts to myself.
  8. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Today was a great day. I feel hopeful. However that hope can be easily taken away. I had the best interview of my life. N now I play the waiting game. The fiancé took me out to celebrate for getting through and feeling positive about it. Tomorrow I will get drinks with my friend and continue to celebrate. I want to ride this positivity and be proud of making it this far. The only nagging feeling is it was all for nothing n the job will go to someone more qualified or more personable.
  9. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    It's been a bit so I've decided to post to reflect. I'm in a good place overall. I'm feeling fine, I have good things coming my way, I have proven to myself that anxiety thoughts are just thoughts and not reality. I have to remind myself of that. I have good relationships, good friends, and am starting to become closer to people who I've known for quite some time. I have good feelings about most things at the moment. I'm scared for when it'll leave, but I'm hoping that by reflecting I can enjoy it more. I think it's working.
  10. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Worried that all I do is mess with people who enter my life. I don’t think I’m a good friend. I don’t feel like one rn at least. I wanna just clear the air with my friend by hanging out in person again. It won’t happen for a while bc of schedules. Had an opportunity yesterday, but my friend was in a weird mood so postponed turned to cancel. I hope she is ok. I hope this isn’t my fault. But I have no idea. Depression/anxiety gets to us both, but we get that.
  11. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    i just keep dipping into it. i'll be fine, then suddenly sad and/or irritable. i feel like i can't predict how i'm going to feel. it's really a bummer. all i can do is numb the pain. we'll see how that goes. at least i won't be alone for part of it. but once i am alone, i hope it won't hurt as much.
  12. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    finally feeling human again. have a very short list of tasks for the day and the whole day to do it. it's the perfect setup for either accomplishment or procrastination. my tasks are finishing my quilt, work out, and prepare dinner. very accomplishable today. the quilting will be fun but difficult since i'm a beginner, so it may take up most of my day. that's what i'm hoping at least. as i was writing this post i received a message from a recruiter at a place i've been applying to. hopefully I'll hear some good news when i call them back today. a bit too anxious to do it now though. gotta prepare.
  13. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Still hating myself. This is the depression kicking in but that doesn’t really make me feel better knowing that. It just makes me feel broken and flawed more than a normal human being.
  14. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    i am literally the worst. after sending a confrontational text at its core, i found out i was wrong. i misinterpreted a text message sent to me earlier. that was it. that was the thing that sent my night into a spiral, caused me to confront my best friend about something that apparently didn't happen, and put my in tears on my day to get done. *** is wrong with me.
  15. bellerose

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    having mixed feelings about friendship in general. where do i draw the line and state my boundaries with people? it gets to a point. some people get that, or at least say they do. well they all say they do, it's just some really do follow through while others don't. so far, i've got two friends who just don't. I just feel like i was so chill in college about whoever came into my home. nowadays, it's different. i kinda give a . i want to know my evening will be comfortable bc i'm surrounded by people who i know make me happy. So why does it feel weird and standoffish to only limit my home to people I know and on occasion their friends when i feel like it? I hoping this is just a transition point in our lives where actual adult boundaries begin to matter. i wish i could go into details, but it's just too much to put down. We're all young adults with a lot of youth, but I'm starting to want to put up with less and less that i don't want to do. Especially when i can have a say.
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