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mynah

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  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  3. hello i'm still here and i finally have a new computer now. (and failed to make the old one work properly.) i'm working on it to make it work as i want it, and i take too long, longer than i wanted. i need much longer for everything these days, much longer than i used to. (does prolonged depression **** brain cells?? i'm not _that_ old yet but i think this is how dementia must feel...) a new OS and i still have to get used to it and how to deal with it (not really enthousiastic about it), and took me some weeks now to get the internet connection working at least. otherwise, there is not much news. i'm still depressed. and insomniac. and all that. and problems still growing bigger faster than i can solve them. and the anxiety disorder has grown if anything. to live as a hermit and not even internet. a weird life. and isolation and loneliness doesn't help the depression to lift either i feel. i don't think much can change any more in my life. there isn't much left of it. but okay, i go on struggling on. although i can't figure out why, i still go on struggling on.
  4. hi Tweed, i can understand your pain too. i suffer from anxiety too. and i've had situations too, where i was almost 'obsessed' with the fears. while others couldn't really understand why, why it upset me so much, and for a long time. i can understand that for them such things are not "this big". for me it is. and i think i'm beginning to understand, at least partly, why. it seems to me, that for me this extreme, prolonged anxiety comes up when it is about something very existential to me. and, having lost so much already, in my life, and in the course of those years suffering from depression and anxiety, for the few things that are not yet lost, it feels especially threatening and upsetting to me to see them endangered, threatened. i think it is good that you have a therapist now, and i hope that s/he can help you to work through these issues. it is weird, reading your post, i was reminded of my own, intense, and maybe/probably irrational fear (well, rational in a way, but irrational in the extent) and how i worry, and how others (friends or family) have reacted to that. and telling me that my fear is exaggerated, and irrational. i was reminded of my own frantic anxiety and worrying about something, and others' reactions to my anxiety. for me, much of my biggest anxiety reactions is about losing my place to live. when something happens that threatens my home, my anxiety raises to the skies. i could imagine, that for you, as a writer, this idea of someone (and even a malicious person) getting your texts, must be a very upsetting, and in a way 'fundamentally existentially threatening' thing. i'm trying to learn to accept my being so 'weird'. for me there are things that really scare me, and situations i can think of that i really couldn't bear to experience. that's what i'm trying to do, to learn to accept it. because it doesn't get better when i beat myself up for it. and if i'm not going to give understanding and acceptance to myself, who is going to? well, that's my way, or rather the one i'm trying. and i learn to accept that others who don't know this kind of extreme anxiety cannot understand it. they can't even imagine how it is, i think. i try not to hope anymore that they could really understand. maybe it's just not possible. they might know fear, and i'm sure they could imagine some situations where they maybe would panic, but to understand why i react like this in a situation that for them does NOT seem "life threatening", maybe is asked too much. so i'm trying to tell myself, in such situations, that it is okay to feel this anxiety, and to see / know that there is a reason for it. but also, that the extent of my anxiety is too much. so i try to work on the intensity of the anxiety, but not on telling myself that there is "no reason to fear" (when there is) (whether it is 'small' or 'big' reasons in the eyes of others, but there is a reason, in my situations). for me, losing my home would be terrible, so when something happens that might cause this loss, it is a reason to feel afraid. i'm not really sure whether for me this is 'pure anxiety', or whether my ptsd plays a role in this too for me. the intensity (and thus, the 'irrational' part of it) comes close to what i know from my 'ptsd-typical reactions'. and maybe my experiences with my 'ptsd fears' has brought me to this approach of 'acceptance', and at the same time knowing that others cannot know why exactly it is so very scary/terrible for me. so i try not to expect too much understanding from them... and i try to find out for myself, how i can minimize the risks, and to do what i CAN do (when i can), and what 'protection from disaster' i could find, and leave the things i cannot change to god. and tell myself that 'there is no 100% security', as much as i hate that sentence. best wishes m.
  5. hi lfvalade, and to DF i can relate to the extreme tension and fatigue. Years of depression sure takes a toll on you. i don't know about the hormones and all that, none of my docs ever tested anything. but i'm sure exhausted and tired and it's getting worse. Anxiety and Depression here too. and it seems to me the frequent panic attacks are also exhausting physically. at least it feels like. i'd like to hear more about what you're doing to get out of, or prevent, the tiredness. oh, adrenal glands, is that where the cortisole is produced? something to do with stress? m
  6. hello annain and to DF (DepressionForums) and to this room. i've read. and i care. and i hope you will come back. if not to this thread, or only some time later (i think it can be difficult to learn to deal with the starting to tell things..), then hopefully to other parts of the forums or this room. i hope you will find helpful texts to read, and good support from other members, on DF. and please, do not worry about "taking up space". you are NOT "taking too much..." or anything like that. you had a lot of traumatic experience in your life. sad enough that it was so much. when there is much that has happened, it is much to write. it is as long as it is, it is okay, it is as it is. you are welcome here, and welcome to write your story, and to write things out. sometimes it can be helpful indeed. but it is difficult too, and it needs courage to do it. congratulations on this hard work! and that you managed to write it down. and klick this 'send' button. it is hard too, i think, to see your own experiences written down. well it is for me. difficult. when i face my own stories. hard to realize, all this has happened to me, and i have to live with it now. different to have single pieces of it to haunt me in my nightmares, or to see it all written down. but i think it is necessary to realize, yes that is how it was. i hope you get support from your T too, to cope with this getting-more-real of what had happened. have you also learned some methods or techniques, in therapy, how to distance yourself from the traumatic memories when it's getting too much? (or maybe getting flooded by memories is not so much a problem for you..?) you can post for more support here too, or if you want more people to read it you could post in Depression Central (as indeed there are not _too_ many people here, compared to Depresson Central), i think there are quite some people out there who can relate to how disturbing or hard to cope with it can be to face things that have happened in the past. best wishes mynah
  7. - managed to water my plants - helped a neighbour this week (and realizing today that this is something good, for me belongs in my 'positivity list': i was able to help. and managed to do something useful.) - no need today to leave my house
  8. thank you again slw! your input is very valuable to me. interesting, this socially awkward without the anxiety part. i'm trying to sort through my thoughts. thanks for telling me about you and about your son. btw i think it is great that you trying to let this be his private thing. probably isn't easy for a parent. but important i think. "socially ********" seems to have a rather negative sound to it? (but then i am usually not very sure about my interpretations of meanings or implications conveyed with the words. that's why i ask a lot, and sometimes 'weird' questions...) is this more of a way of putting yourself down, or a meant in a way of 'matter of fact description'? are there other terms for it? i've tried to do some reading on it, what i found was topics related to social skills, or rather lack of... and something about adaptive behaviour (which rather makes me think of Pawlow's dog and Skinner's rats and such) my pdoc recently mentioned social skills training. but in the context of my anxiety (of phone calls, of asking for something, ...) - there i am again with the phobia topic. i'm trying to sort one from the other. obviously they can exist one without the other. if your son comes across some miracle technique i'd love to know it too for me too the goal is not to become a social butterfly. but i need some getting better in everyday functioning. i hardly function anymore in any way. and i'm a grown up (in years at least) and living on my own and need a bit more than the very basics of everyday surviving-from-dawn-to-dusk-and-through-the-night or barely-functioning. i have to come to stop avoiding each and every scary thing. but slowly, step by step, otherwise i get overwhelmed again. it's not easy. the anxiety issues are some of my issues for therapy. that is, if i go to therapy. i hope to be able to go again next year. i also try to work through my issues in other ways, books, reading, working on myself, as good as i can. to do what i can do on my own. apply tools and methods... to read what i can find on it. i hope your son will be able to work through his issues with the help of the psychologist, and get less afraid with time and more able to do things. probably there's also things he would like to do if he could (but anxiety preventing it). i really hope he'll find his way out of this. did you do working on the social awkwardness for yourself? maybe did you do things like social skills training for awkwardness or something (if such exists)? well that is in case you felt you wanted to work on that, it to be too much of a problem for you? often i find the tools and methods i've come across so far do work on the social phobia part of it for me. but still don't give me much of a clue as to how to be less awkward. and i feel the need to find out of that too. and it often fuels my anxiety even more. i'm coming to think more and more that for me somehow it might be two (obviosly different?) parts of the problem... (but also feeding each other) ... so maybe i have to adress them separately? and i do remember that i had my share of awkwardness even before i was this 'case of anxiety' that i'm now. even in primary school. iirc it was some social thing that made them decide against skipping grades. well i'm still trying to figure it all out and how to tell one from the other.
  9. hi Belle, i'm not sure about the spelling of qi gong i might have this wrong. i hope you'll find info. glad you think this exercise might be useful to try maybe you can also create your own variations of it when some parts don't suit you well, don't feel comfortable. you can even do something similar lying on the floor. i think my 'version' of the exercise isn't even exactly the original one, it said in the book to take what helps you from the exercises and leave what's not useful for you, and to try variations and find out what helps you best. oh, and i only sing when there's no one around me and my neighbours not at home! (really wouldn't want anyone to hear me croaking.. ;) ) take care mynah
  10. i still have not filled in this form. but. i have almost finished writing a short chronological about what happened oct and nov. it is so difficult for me to remember everything at once. i do have memory problems, especially in the sense that there seems to be only one event at the time to fit in my brain to think about. (eek this sounds too strange.) so i have to do it bit by bit. i can remember, but only piece by piece, not all at the same time. and working hard to figure out what has happened on which day. some days were just too full of things happening, seems like a whole week. i need this 'review' of what happened when, as in the form they ask about 'the accident on date xyz' while the accident was another day but i had to go to hospital on the later date again, but it was not a new accident. and i'm still trying to figure out what exactly they want to know with this form. if it really is what they ask, the answer doesn't fit into that one line. maybe i just have to use an extra sheet of paper. oh lord have mercy why am i so scared to fill in a form and maybe not fill it correctly. i'm also working on telling myself that it is GOOD that i'm working on this form, on remembering and thinking through what-has-happened (and it is painful); and trying to avoid thoughts of berating myself for not having this finished yet.
  11. mynah

    Going

    hi florry, i'm glad that you're ok so far now and that you managed to wrestle it back into that manageable ball inside, and not have it 'overflooding' you anymore for now. it gets easier to deal with feelings when they not pop up all together screamin negativity at you in unison. but difficult the process to learn to deal with them. depression can be a nasty beast. glad that you're still here!
  12. hi Deet, did some of your symptoms or how you felt when very depressed was very similar to symptoms of the stomach bug? i wouldn't be surprised if such a similarity could cause the feeling like depression is coming back. i know it can work in such a way for me with panic attacks. some of my symptoms with panic attacks are: being short of breath or the feeling i can't get enough air, can't breathe well. and my heart racing. and sweating. and it seems that sometimes my body takes such symptoms as a cue that now it's time to have a full-blown panic attack. with the whole of the panicky feelings. even if the 'original symptoms' just came from doing exercise or climbing a long flight of stairs too fast and i did not feel anxiety when doing that. just my two cents. take care mynah
  13. hi Belle, i've experienced situations like this too. the 'fight or flight' theory i think is what explains it... (if you can do neither, there's the 3rd 'way out' which is to 'freeze', to get like paralyzed.) there is an exercise that helps me in such a situation - or better when i'm not yet in 'complete paralysis'. no idea if this could be useful for you too. i think it has to do with mindfulness, and being aware of the feelings. to sit on a chair, rather straight, and focus on my body parts that rest on the chair, and my feet on the ground. gah, this sounds stupid. let me try again. i sit on that chair, and try to focus, slowly, part by part, on the different parts of me touching somewhere, something. my feet on the ground, and how stable the ground is, my back side on that chair, the upper parts of the legs, and my back against the back of the chair. and the arm rests. and what parts of my body are sustained by that chair, by the floor, ... i try to shut out everything from 'outside' for that time, sounds/noises around me, even thoughts, just concentrating on sitting there, touching the chair and the floor and feeling that. when i'm kind of 'more grounded', in the here and now, just in this moment, how i sit there, and feel the contact surfaces with the stable ground and chair. then i can open my mind again to what goes on around me, sounds, to listen to them, or my thoughts. or i start to do breathing exercises, which also help me with my anxiety. it is easier to do the breathing when sitting on a chair, instead of hugging my knees curled up on the floor. and the 'pre-exercise' of feeling my body on that chair helps me to better be able to feel the breathing in my body. but often i just do this 'chair exercise', not in preparation for breathing, but just to get me out of this curled-up ball of anxiety. also i do allow myself to be not relaxed. i allow myself to cling to the arm rests or whatever, when anxiety is high, it is just about focusing on what do i feel concerning my body and this chair i'm sitting on, not about judging how do i sit there or trying to force myself to relax (this has not worked for me, and i think 'force' and 'relax' is just too opposite for me...) i don't remember well where i have this exercise from, i think it might have been a book about coping with ptsd stress and symptoms (thus also anxiety and 'being like frozen'). tai chi and qi gong have been useful for me too (but not when i was in the middle of such a 'paralysis'), deep breathing / breathing exercises, and ... singing (yes) (seems that the body regulates deep breathing just by itself when singing?) good that you're on your way to find ways what you can do to work on these anxiety reactions. benzo's can help for the moment but for the long run it's better to find other ways. best wishes mynah
  14. yes, exactly, like a big fake. even when it's really what i want to say, what i want to convey, and not know how or with what words, and then using words that others have used. so either i remain silent or i feel like a fake. i'm rather comfortable too with silence when there's nothing to say. but there's few people with whom i could have good comfortable silences. i need something for my hands too. often i wear long sleeves, so i can hide my hands when they're so busy with this seams at the edge of the sleeve... or to hide the tiny scraps i've made of that tissue. the 'hello how are you' often is what my awkward social situations start with. i remember to just say "fine", i know that it's not the time or place to say anything about how i am. sometimes gets difficult though when they can see from my face that i'm not fine. i really have to work on this looking thing some more. i've been trying to keep eye contact enough so they know i'm listening and interested. but very often i'm like one of these, either (scared/anxiety...maybe also from hypervigilance?) or (very busy looking at the floor...ashamed, afraid, depressed...) - so i can understand why i make a weird impression. but i haven't really figured out yet how to be different. i've come across something about the time how much / how long to look at people, like between one-third and two-third of the time seems to be good, less makes you seem uninterested or not honest, more makes you seem agressive. so i come to understand how i could maybe come across as agressive when i have these huge staring eyes or even as if i was not truth when i'm looking at the feet most of the time. eek, this is difficult. studying anthropology seems nothing to me compared to understanding this. thank you for listening and for your input
  15. hi windmills, hi djaef, hi all, as you can see this discussion is not being discouraged here on DF: we're here, we're talking about it, and we're still here. if it was discouraged i trust that there would have been a comment from mods or admin to please stop this or we'd have been pm'ed about it and asked politely. in my experience over the years here on DF this is what happens if something can't be accepted, and it happens when there is reason to. keeping to the TOS and the work of mods and admins is what makes it a safe haven for all of us. everyone here works on him/herself to keep it respectful as good as they can, and this is good. not everyone who has written here before can or want to take the same amount of time and thought to reply to everything, i think it depends on each's own level of being busy elsewhere and on the personal "pressure from suffering" with a certain issue. for me, i've been suffering very much with this topic, it's an important one for me, so it's my choice to put in a lot of time and effort. not everyone can. as i see it, this is especially difficult for the ones who carry the load of working to keep DF running smoothly all the time (our moderators and admin - they have a lot to do here, and i take my hat off to them!). i even think self-censorship is a good thing at times. i know i do watch my words often (in rl as well as here) as i don't want to step on someone's toes if it is avoidable. i know how my own toes hurt when someone else does. i know it's not always avoidable, and mostly when it happens it's not on purpose (here on DF i can even be quite sure of that), so i work on myself to not take offense. and i know that the bigger the crowd the more difficult it gets to see everyone's toes when discussing the pros and cons of the meds approach i think it is important to not forget some points: - there is many people who have never taken meds or are just starting their treatment, maybe even haven't made it to see a doc about it yet, and they might be unsure about whether to take meds or not. - there are many many "guests" reading on DF, probably many of them even never register, they just keep reading, and try to find ideas and find info/help just by reading - and they won't post or ask questions as they're not registered. - we're discussing this in "Depression Central", which is a part of the boards that everyone can see, and the most frequented part of DF i think - there is about 50-70% of depression people who do get help from the meds. so the chances are relatively high that someone who tries a med for his/her depression will get some relief from the med. - sometimes (especially when confronted with this illness or diagnose of depression for the first time) people tend to react in a rather 'panicky' way, or just not having the energy to think themselves through all the pros and cons there are (i know i often don't manage to work up energy for anything with my depression), might get frightened by reading a more 'critical discussion'. and often with depression and anxiety it seems so much easier just not to do anything, as every change can be scary - it might turn out for the worse, is what _my_ depressed mind tells me very often. i for one wouldn't want to discourage anyone from trying to find something that could bring him/her relief from the sufferings of depression. whatever my own experiences with AD. even if the percentage of effectiveness was much lower, i would not want to keep someone from something that might help them. even if maybe it will not help them. but they cannot know in advance. much the less can i know whether it would help them or not. i do not think it makes sense to debate about whether some call it a "cure" and whether it is or not; however small or big or total the positive effect might be for a person, as long as it helps in one way or another, it is good to find help in battling depression. i do think it is good to be able to make informed decisions. and to have a closer look at what can i do to battle depression, besides meds, or even instead of meds. i also think it's not wrong to think about possible 'risks' of different approaches before trying them, and about what can i do to minimize the risks and what can i do if... (and i do think it's also important not to get lost in the "what ifs" - depression and anxiety can do that easily too.) and i think it's important for those who do not find help in a med they've tried, maybe even found too much of negative effects, to know they're not alone. to know it can happen, and it's not their fault (depression has this nasty way of producing guilt feelings about whatever...), and to know where to get support too when things i tried did not work out in the way i had hoped. from my own experience i know that doctors often have not been as supportive about this topic as i had wished, and i know that it has been too difficult for me to find words for my painful experiences when it was very fresh; i hope for everyone to get the support they need, be it with the meds approach, other / alternative approaches, in any combinations, and also the drug free approach. i know that the things that for me are an elephant in my living room, maybe for others is just a fly in their living room. i appreciate it very much when they can see that i in fact do have an elephant to deal with, and not tell me it's just a fly, but i also acknowledge that they just have to deal with a fly in their living rooms, and cannot imagine my animal is an elephant... (they're not sitting on my couch...) you cannot know for sure how a med will affect you if you've never tried. (that is, unless you know of any other rare medical condition you have, that might make it impossible to take a certain drug; i think they're listed in the 'contra indications' for every med.) i respect a critical view on "western medicine", it is a valid point of view, i think there is value too in approaches like homeopathy for instance, and i do know that herbs can be powerful (and harmful - SE!) medicine too - even some of our today 'chemical medicines' have been developed from certain 'active ingredients' of natural medicine, as for instance 'aspirine' is found in willow bark. but i do not think a 'general discussion' about 'medical approaches' belongs to DF, i'm sure there's other discussion groups about that in general. as to fighting depression, the specific meds (chemical, natural, ...) have their rooms or threads on these boards. .... i've been too long already ... enough for now. take care all mynah @djaef: no you did not suggest it would. you're right. i'm sorry.
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