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  1. Like
    starla1979 reacted to henrithecat for a blog entry, Trials & Tribulations Of Henri.   
    Hi, a quick update.
    Got my fat bird tattoo on Saturday. It looks awesome. I'm very pleased, although not exactly at this particular moment, since it's all scabbed up and very painful. But once it heals, it will be... amazing!
    I've already set up a consultation appointment to get my next tattoo done. It will be an epic 3/4 sleeve with Art Nouveau and nature themes. And for once my big fat arm will be an asset, since there will be so much room to put art on there. :P
    As far as my mood, I am in better shape than I was the last time I posted. I don't want to say this episode is over and jinx it, because I am not really in that great of a mood anyway. But I do feel more capable and functional than I did last week for sure.
    I just need more sleep - it's hard to sleep well with a big painful wound on your, uh... bosom
  2. Like
    starla1979 reacted to LibraryLady for a blog entry, Heading Off To The Ozarks Next Week!   
    Hi my friends!
    Well, as you know, I've been struggling somewhat these last few days with my anxiety. I've had to take some extra "happy" pills to get through a couple of anxiety attacks.
    The semester is almost over! Tomorrow is the last day. Whew! I'm not sure I could have gone on much longer. I will be off for two weeks , until the summer session starts. My second Sister and I are planning another painting trip. She's the one I went to the Big Bend with over Spring Break. This time we are going to visit a childhood friend who has a cabin in the Ozarks. She's actually in Alton, MO, which is right down at the bottom of the state. I love her cabin and the area is so beautiful!
    I really need to get away and rest and try to stop thinking so much! How does one turn one's brain off from all that obsessing and ruminating? Sigh.
    I'll be taking my painting gear and hope to start a couple of good plein air paintings. And, I'll take some disposable cameras to take lots of photos with. That's what I did with the Big Bend trip. I took three disposable cameras and got some really good shots. I paint from the photographs, so I have to have a paper copy of the photo.
    I'm also planning on sticking closely to my diet. Both my sister and the friend we are staying with are very helpful about it. My sister is working on losing weight too, and our friend is Ms Healthy eating! LOL! On our Big Bend trip I lost 5 lbs! So, I'm hoping to have a loss this time too.
    I am trying to remain up-beat, but it's hard sometimes. I don't think that non-depressives realize how hard it can be to stay in a positive mood. I work really hard, and if I am not careful, I'll slip back down into my depression. I have to force myself to do stuff, force myself to go places. I enjoy them when I do them, but it takes a lot of mental energy to get going! I love traveling with my Sister because she knows all about my issues and she understands. I don't have to pretend anything with her. She's depressed herself!
    OK, so I'll be around a few more days and then I'll be gone for a week. I think we will have Internet access in the cabin, and if so, I'll pop in and say hi to everyone! If I do some good paintings, I'll post them in my gallery!
    Love to you all!
  3. Like
    starla1979 reacted to evalynn for a blog entry, All There Will Ever Be (Poem)   
    I have a strong desire
    To fall into the sea--
    And feel the water carry me,
    And the sun paint my body with its rays,
    And the salt of the air pierce my tongue,
    And shrill caw of the gulls beckon from the distant sky,
    And the wind and waves toss me to and fro--
    And I will fear nothing--
    Not even the shark’s bite or the jellyfish’s sting,
    Or the impenetrable night or the angry storm--
    Because I will have surrendered
    To the uncertainty of things
    And that’s all there is,
    all there will ever be.
  4. Like
    starla1979 reacted to LibraryLady for a blog entry, Let's Talk About Valentine's Day   
    Hi everyone!
    I have not been doing very well lately, so I have not blogged much. Or posted on the DF for that matter. However, I'm still around! I saw my Pdoc yesterday and she told me to not be so hard on myself. I always expect perfection of myself and when I quite naturally don't achieve it, I beat myself up. Sigh.
    So, tomorrow is Valentine's Day! I stopped thinking about it as a romantic day many years ago. For me, it is a day to show love to the world. I want you all to join me in thinking that way. Let's not dwell on our own loneliness and sadness. Let's try to show a little love and care for everyone around us.
    In that spirit, I have been cutting out lots of paper valentines to hand out to the students. They each have a corsage pin, so the person can pin it on themselves if they want to. I want everyone to have at least one Valentine! I'm on the Reference Desk first thing, from 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. and I'll be handing out Valentines to everyone that comes in. I also need to brush up on how to say "Happy Valentine's Day" in sign language. I may need to ask one of my deaf students to remind me.
    I'm going to try very hard tomorrow to set aside my own feelings of worthlessness and depression , and instead send out feelings of love to everyone I meet.
    I send you all love as well, and I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!
    Update: Today is Valentines Day! I cut out about 500 valentines and gave out over 200 by the time I went off the Reference Desk. Only two people didn't want one! I really enjoy handing them out and seeing the smiles on people's faces. The world can be such a rough, tough place, it's nice to be able to stop for a moment and have a little happy human interaction!
    Hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
  5. Like
    starla1979 reacted to justaguy13 for a blog entry, Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself   
    I was out with a friend last night and we ended up talking about how our lives haven't ended up the way we thought they would and he blamed this on fear. He said that fear is the only thing holding us back from doing things, things that could potentially make us happy. I hadn't thought about it that way before but what if I am depressed purely down to the fact that I am so scared to do certain things?
    I know I get scared of most social situations, and that is because I am scared of peoples reactions to me. I'm scared of being laughed at, ignored, being made fun of, etc, but what if I wasn't scared of those things? What if I didn't care if someone ignored me? I was saying to him how scared I am of talking to people, especially women that I like, but if I wasn't scared of rejection then I might have the confidence to meet women and therefore maybe meet someone who likes me. But then I would have to open up to someone and be myself with them, which also scares the hell out of me.
    I'm my mind I'm a terrible person, who looks terrible and has a terrible personality. So in my mind if someone tried to get to know me, they would just see how terrible I am and reject me, which would destroy the little confidence I have in myself. The same goes professionally too. I'm so scared of job interviews and rejection that I don't apply for as many jobs as I should do and therefore I am still stuck in my rubbish job and therefore still hate myself.
    Maybe all this fear and anxiety is built into me, maybe it's something I can't just stop thinking about, but I want to try and be less scared of life. Not sure where to start with that, and I need to do it in conjunction with building up my confidence somehow, but I think I may have a bit of a plan for dealing with my depression.
  6. Like
    starla1979 reacted to Veruca for a blog entry, So Now I Wait   
    Well today I got the etst done. I have never had this done before so I was very scared but the tech was very nice and understanding. She told me though that 10% of the first timers that she tests need to come back and get tested again at different angles because often they do not know your body well enough and to be safe they like to do further tests. I am hoping that will not be the case because insurance will not cover all of it. Plus I do not want to ahve more worry. Hopefully I will just get a letter telling me that everything is okay. I am still nervous and scared but not as much because at least I got hopefully the only test I will need out of the way.
    Other than that I am feeling somewhat better. I told my friend I was sorry for being selfish and negletful and they told me I had nothing to be sorry for. Yjeu made me feel really good and said I had every reason to be sonewhat off after what has been going on. I am feeling so much better. I hate not being a good friend.
    Work is still up and down but other than that and my current health worries I am feeling better. This is once again the best place for me to go and calm myself.
  7. Like
    starla1979 reacted to evalynn for a blog entry, Random Free Write (Or, Life As A Story)   
    Sometimes it’s as if reality is right in front of me but just out of reach. It’s the white rabbit, and I’m Alice—and I can’t quite keep up with the skittish animal determined to flee my reach. It’s a never-ending race through rose bushes and brambles, trying not to snag my clothes on any thorns as I run far faster than my body can handle but still too slowly to reach my prey. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s maddening. And if I stop to let myself really look at the situation, I see that I am truly mad. Whether from the chase or the fear or just my natural fate, I am completely mad. Mad as a hatter. And mad as hell.
    And once I let myself reach that conclusion, it’s like the Earth moves from under me. Either that or my center of gravity shifts wildly off its axis. I can no longer tell which way is up and which way is down. My wits are scattered, and I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to pick up all the marbles on the ground. All I know is that I’m tired, so tired. And sometimes I care too much and sometimes I barely give a crap. Sometimes the rain falls up and sometimes it falls down. If this isn’t wonderland, then where the hell am I? I can’t even pretend to know.
    So that’s where I am now. This is where the story begins…or ends. Depending on which way you look at it. In real life, there’s no story arch. There’s no real way to tell if you’re in your rising action or falling action, the climax of something big or the near the cusp of a denouement. The universe doesn’t design human lives in terms of story archs, does it? Or if it does, the story is so big, so detailed, that our tiny part is hard to separate from the rest of the giant tome. I wonder if, one day, we ever get a chance to look at that book. Would an eternity even be enough time to read the story of the history of the entire universe? Would it be a tragedy, a comedy, a satire?
  8. Like
    starla1979 reacted to Moto Guzzi for a blog entry, Wellbutrin/bupropion Foggy Effects - 1000 Ways To Say Fuzzy Head   
    In an earlier post I'd complained of fuzziness in the head.. in my thinking. I've also found myself wondering if I am getting Alzheimers due to my forgetting everything. Here are side effects I found on a website for the med I am taking :

    Side Effect Information
    Preferred Term:Disturbance In Attention
    Additional Terms:
    Brain fog-
    Loss of concentration
    Mental fog
    Trouble concentrating
    Poor concentration
    Lack of concentration
    Foggy brain
    Difficulty concentrating
    Hard to concentrate
    Brain dead
    Concentration problems
    Mental fogginess
    Loss of mental clarity
    Muddled head
    Brain fogginess
    "stuffy" head
    Can not concentrate
    Foggy mind
    No concentration
    Less mentally able
    Lack of focus
    Cognitive difficulties
    Pressure in my head
    Difficult to concentrate
    Thinking more difficult
    Difficulty focusing
    Fuzzy thinking
    Disorderly thinking
    Mentally blurry
    Feeling vague
    Loss of focus
    Could not focus
    Word-finding problems
    Memory foggy
    Concentration issues
    Inability to focus
    Inability to concentrate
    Mind short out
    Losing words while speaking
    Recall bad
    Memory and thinking problems
    Living in a fog
    Tiered of not being able to think clearly
    Mentally foggy
    Difficulty finding the right word
    Inability to think
    "muddled" head
    Brain drain
    Cognitive function decline
    Just out of sorts
    Cognitive issues
    Memory and cognitive loss
    Difficulty remembering words
    Loss of intuition
    Trouble making decissions
    Cognitive capacity was significantly reduced
    Difficulty to concentrate
    Felt like i had chemo brain
    Couldn't make my brain care
    Memory fuzzy
    "fogginess" in my brain
    Living in a haze
    Can't think straight
    Not thinking clearly
    Memory/thinking problems
    Difficulty concentrating
    Diffulty concentrrating
    Inability to concentrate
    Problems with concentration
    Zoned out feeling
    Hard to stay focused
    Difficult to focus
    Concentration.fous problems
    Memory/difficulty with concentration/focus
    Concentration/focus problems
    Loss of focus/memory
    Ack of concentration
    Reduced concentration
    Difficulty focusing on work
    Reduced concentration and brain power
    Focus issues
    Poor concentation
    Difficulty in concentrating
    Fuzzy headed
    Loss of conceatration
    Can't concentrate
    Inability to focus and concentrate
    "fuzzy" focus
    Unable to think
    Decreased attention
    Horrible concentration
    In a fog
    Trouble focusing
    I couldn't concentrate
    Concentration loss
    Difficulty paying attention
    Inability to think clearly
    Unable to think clearly
    Foggy thinking
    Unclear thinking
    Fuzzy thoughts
    Feezy thinking
    Thinking problems
    Feeling spacy, brain fog
    Increased brain fog
    Difficulty concentrrating
    Couldn't "focus"/concentrate
    Feeling of bing "out of it"
    Concentration side effect
    Not really able to concentrate
    Could not concentrate
    Brain fog
    Staring off into space a little
    Harder time focusing
    Very low concentration
    Brain lock
    In a "fog" at times
    Mental delay
    Foggy in the head
    No focus
    Foggy and slow when thinking
    Inablity to think logically
    Could not retain what i was learning
    Fogged thinking
    Fuzzy brain
    "foggy" feeling
    Unable to think
    Loss of degree of mental sharpness
    Feel like i'm in a fog
    Memory and cognitive functioning has decreased
    Mind doesn't work as fast
    A bit out of sorts
    Foggy at times
    Feeling foggy
    Mental instability
    Word loss
    Hard time thinking
    Brain freezes

  9. Like
    starla1979 reacted to bh34465 for a blog entry, Anxiety And Depression Closely Related   
    After receiving a comment from my last blog post about anxiety and depression overlapping, I did some research online, and found a good article. The summary below is from the Psychology Today website from an article by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. It has five parts, beginning with part one.
    As regards talk therapy treatments for co-occurring anxiety and depression, what does everything I've written up to this point suggest? In reviewing the literature on the subject, I think many points are worth emphasizing (and, indeed, some I already have). They are, in no particular order:
    • Because of their many similarities (cognitive and chemical), therapy centering on either anxiety or depression can lead to a reduction in the symptoms of the disorder less focused upon--and a single therapy may at times be effective in addressing both disorders;
    • If serious depression is to be successfully treated, any significant anxiety also present must be recognized and attended to;
    • When pronounced anxiety and depression co-occur, successful treatment can be expected to be more difficult and take longer to achieve (and therapists need to be aware of such patients' increased suicide risk);
    • In terms of "evidence-based treatments," cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) seems to have the edge over other treatments, although many types of talk therapy can effectively deal with these disorders. CBT, however, focuses more on identifying, and altering, dysfunctional thought patterns and behaviors that have culminated in feelings of helplessness and hopelessness--which, in turn, have led to the patient's serious symptoms of anxiety and depression;
    • Making lifestyle changes--such as expanding one's support system, improving one's diet; learning breathing and relaxation procedures; getting more sleep; discontinuing or cutting down on tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, and any illicit substances; adding to one's daily regimen physical exercise, yoga, Pilates, etc.--can all significantly accelerate progress in therapy. Exercise, especially, has repeatedly been shown to improve the mood of depressives, and to "loosen up" the brains and bodies of those who are anxious and up-tight.
    But perhaps the most important point to make here is that if you're in the throes of severe anxiety and depression, therapy alone is much less likely to be helpful than the combination of therapy and the most suitable psychiatric medication(s). That is, if your negative mind has been working overtime to keep you in a state of restless despondency, it may be impossible to get therapy off the ground until you're properly medicated. Only then may you be able to fully appreciate just how much your maladaptive beliefs and behaviors have gotten you into such a bad place . . . and how, at last, you can get yourself out of it.

    I have an overlapping anxiety and depression. After reading this entire article, I can see why I am suffering so horribly with it. I am glad that I have tried to do some things to help myself in the process, such as walking, cutting out caffeine (or cutting way back), and other things. The article seems to agree that the correct medication first, then therapy along with that, can be effective in getting better. I just have to hold on until my counseling begins. I am not so sure I am on the right med, or the correct dosage at least, so that will need to be looked into.
  10. Like
    starla1979 reacted to Joyandsmile for a blog entry, Married   
    I am officially married by law.. complicated feelings as I looked into the mirror, seeing myself in wedding dress, waiting for the makeup artist to finish the make up for photo shooting...
    I still have butterflies in my tummy now..
  11. Like
    starla1979 reacted to Veruca for a blog entry, Humph......feeling Good...   
    It's times like these when I feel good that I get that little nibble of worry in the back of my head. It's always the same isn't it? Good fellings, great feelings? They can't last can they? So I tend to feel almost bad for feeling good. There are reasons for it that make no sense I am sure. I feel bad for feeling good because depression and anxiety are the friends that never leave. We get used to them and everything that comes withe them. The need to hde out, the pain or emptiness in your chest. All of those things live there and when they are gone even for the smallest of moments you notice them missing and it's odd. I will try and enjoy this good time. Try and welcome it into my life and hold it close to me. Allow the warmth of happiness for as long as possible and try not to think about how I will miss it just like right now part of me is confused by the missing sadness.
    Life is strange and each day you never know what it will bring. At this moment my almost constant companions have been replaced my a fun,smiling,sweet friend and I will hold her in my heart for as long as I can.
  12. Like
    starla1979 reacted to evalynn for a blog entry, Fly High (Break-Up Poem)   
    i was the thorn in your side
    i was the shadow and you were the light
    i was the fall, you're the pride
    you were the moon and i was the night
    never deserved all your love
    you never deserved all the pain
    you were the branch and the dove
    and i was the gilded cage
    now it's time for me to open the latch;
    fly away now and find safer ground
    fly so high that you'll make me proud
    and enjoy the new land you've found
    and if sometime you think of me,
    i'll only be so lucky for that
    and if sometime you're in need of me
    i'll never be so worthy of that
    one day you'll find the right one
    and she'll be the stars to your sky
    and she'll be the wife and the mom
    but until then, my dear, fly high
  13. Like
    starla1979 reacted to evalynn for a blog entry, Change Is Hard To Do   
    The problem with looking at yourself for who you really are is that, once done, you can't go back. The ignorance is gone, and even if you try to cling to that, deep down you'll know that you're desperately grasping onto a fading illusion. I think that's why I hear alarm bells whirring in my head anytime I approach some new discovery about myself. I don't want to see it, because I don't want it to be real. And I don't want it to be real, because that means I'm going to have to deal with it eventually. So, I suppose that what I'm really afraid of is my own inability to better myself. I try to convince myself that the sand I've dug my head into is actually quite pleasant and there is no need for me to stand tall and look into the mirror.
    Now, I'm standing at a precipice. I think I know what I should do, but the fear is settling in. I may very well manage to gather the strength needed to do what I have to do, but once the adrenaline wears off, I will be left exhausted as I try to pick-up the pieces. And that's a really scary prospect.
    On the other hand, what if I'm wrong and make a bad decision? I have to consider that side, as well, and what the fallout could be.
    I have a lot to think about. I hope I don't spend too much time thinking, and miss the chance to act.
  14. Like
    starla1979 reacted to Ashen for a blog entry, Being   
    I've struggled with depression for so long. I'm so concerned with my past, with what I was; so concerned with my future and what could be. The truth is I am. I just have to be.
    We find what we have and what we are and we don't like it. We change those things. That's how we grow, how we become something we love. I look in the mirror and I see something I despise. It is my perception. It is my confusion and my hatred all boiling up inside me and turning myself upside down. I look in the mirror and I see something I love. It is what I am and what I choose to be.
    I can see the truth. I can see the answers. I shut myself down, and I lock it all out. It's so easy to stay here and resist change. The world is a scary place and facing myself is a horrifying idea at times. Just like we work out, like we build our muscles, so we live. At first it hurts. I don't know how to do it, and I can't push very far. The more I push, the more I change. The harder I keep at it, the easier it gets. This life is not a destination, and it's not an answer. It's a journey. We push, we fight, we live. That's all we can do.
    I sit and I think. I think until I understand. I never really know, but who can know? If we find the understanding, then we can see the world. We can make our purpose, we can make our lives, and we can make ourselves. It's so easy to philosophize and so hard to act. Don't lose your motivation. Be. Exist. Live. This life is flux and change. Embrace it.
    If you're reading this, good. Normally I write things and tell people not to read them. Read this. Think - meditate on your existence. Come to understand yourself. If we don't know our faults and embrace the truth within us then we will never change.
    Work, and work harder, until you are exhausted and feel like you can't do anymore. Rest for the day and get up and work yourself again. Organize your beliefs and change them. Believe that you will be what you must be. Act through those beliefs and reaffirm yourself. Reject what pulls you down and push ahead. The world will shape itself around you and you will become what you always were, what you always rejected in yourself.
    We are not trapped. We are free.
  15. Like
    starla1979 reacted to bh34465 for a blog entry, My Walk In The Park Is Not Always A Walk In The Park   
    I had this idea today to go for a walk without my two dogs. I figured maybe it would give me a chance to be social. One of the dogs is protective, so I can't really interact with people because I have to make sure he doesn't get too snippy with passersby. However, when the dogs know that I am going for a walk in the park (and they know) one of the dogs squeals to be able to go along. I guess I used their excitement to go, and my reasoning that they need to walk, too, as an excuse to have them go along and comfort me (and maybe prevent me from having to be social). They think they can't be without me for a minute, and I suppose I don't want to be without them much of the time. So, yeah, we are a bit co-dependent.
    I've posted in different threads about going for walks. I've come from being absolutely insistent that I absolutely could not go for a walk to walking daily for the past three or four weeks. I think exercise is important, and you will hear me say it often. I think there a physical benefits from walking, and I think it is helpful in lifting mood. I will admit, however, that walking has become more something that I choose to do, rather than something I enjoy. I do it because of the benefits I feel I'm receiving from it, but rarely does it bring me real pleasure. Perhaps some aerobic exercise that gets the heart rate up and releases endorphins would produce noticeable benefits - maybe I'd actually come away happy.
    When I was walking today, I felt as if everything I have struggled so hard for for the past few months was going out the proverbial window. It seemed as if every negative, damning thought was bouncing around in my brain. I felt the weight of the hopelessness that I experienced two months ago, but managed to move away from, albeit ever so slowly. My first inclination was to think that I needed more medications. Why do I think more medications is always the answer is what I countered with. Maybe it's something else I need more of: more courage, more social interaction, more counseling, or more exercise. So, onward I pushed for another lap around, my body lapping up the benefits while my mind furiously protested.
    When I arrived home, my mind seemed to have changed gears. I was proud that I had gone for a walk for yet another day. I was in my home, isolated and safe from the big, scary world.
  16. Like
    starla1979 reacted to Veruca for a blog entry, Just My Day   
    Today was a good day. I went shopping and got the last of the Christmas stuff done. There were crowds but most of the people were very nice and no one really shoved anyone. We took our dog and she had a lot of fun when we went to Petsmart. It's her very favoorite place in the world to be. She loves the smells of all the other dogs and because she is so sweet and friendly and hardly ever barks people love her. She just adores all the attention she gets and when someone says how sweet she is she walks with her head up so high. A day spent with her is never a bad day. I really do love her so much. I bought her a moose sweater and a cute rocker dress but she gets no more clothes until at least Feb! If I can be brave and stick with it! I just love to spoil her and buy her stuff. Her and my kitty will have some fun presents under the tree.
    I have made a pen pal from tumblr and she has been sick recently so she knows what it's like and we have much in common so I have been e-mailing with her a lot and it's nice. I am in a good place and have been for the last two days so I will hold onto that.
    I wish we would have a white Christmas but since I don't believe that will ahppen I will just be happy with the day we will be having.
    I am tired and could go to sleep right now except I need to work until 5 am and it's only 11pm now. I know this is rambling but it always seems to help.
  17. Like
    starla1979 reacted to bh34465 for a blog entry, Kung Fu Fighting?   
    Today, I was having a difficult time remembering and applying all the positive, helpful things that I have been learning individually and as a part of this forum. At some point, I stopped myself and recognized that I was falling into the same habits or patterns of dealing with the things that were concerning me as I had always done; and by that I mean doing and thinking things that didn't work. The first thing I decided to do when I realized I was letting concerns eat away at me and allowing negative thoughts to infiltrate my mind, was to do a guided meditation (I never in a million years thought I would ever use meditation). Right in the middle of my meditation, I received a phone call that relieved a huge stressor that I had from last evening until this morning (okay, it was a negative that it interrupted my meditation, but still....). I returned to my meditation afterward.
    I will always have things that will likely cause me anxiety. How I deal with them is the important thing. Although it was difficult, and I was frequently distracted with thoughts, I did meditation because I feel that it has helped me. I could have chosen to examine the thoughts I was having about my situation and the people involved and see if my thoughts were distorted, or if they had any basis in reality. I might have chosen to go for a walk to relieve the stress, or to be able to think clearly. I could have chosen a number of things to do. I had a number of tools that I could have chosen to use to help me through my (in my mind at least) difficult situation. Before I learned some coping techniques, I had no options but to let anxiety or depression take me where ever it wanted me to go. (I'm not going to say that I don't still do that on many occasions, because it is a process.)
    What came to my mind was self-defense. If you've had a self-defense class, and you find yourself in a situation where you need to defend yourself, you will most likely have a variety of choices of how to respond, depending on the situation. Perhaps you'll know whether to flee, stand up to the danger, or yell for help, or whatever it may be. Had you not learned these skills, you may or may not have known what to do. You might have reacted in a way that made the situation worse. But because you had learned these skills, you had options. You weren't overtaken by the situation because you remembered what had worked in the past.
    Disclaimer: I am not implying that I have arrived. I am still learning. I admit I allowed some actual events, as well as some "what if's" and some "all or nothing" thinking to carry me away to a bad place. Even as I am writing this, I am fighting against negative, distorted thoughts that want me to abandon all my hopes. I am glad that I have those tools available to me (including DF) that help me recognize and cope with the problems at hand.
  18. Like
    starla1979 reacted to apple_bloom for a blog entry, She Dreamed Of Paradise   
    I've had so many things on my mind lately. Maybe it's because the year is drawing to an end and so many things are still uncertain. All the concerns I have for my life just keep piling up, one by one.
    Money has become a huge issue. Again. I'm trying to do my best to help my mother with bills and food, but what I do manage to give her is beginning to drain me. I have medical bills I need to pay and a lot of personal debt, not to mention I'm trying to build up my savings. I was hoping to get my own place by spring, but more and more I feel like that won't happen.
    My grandmother offered to have me come stay with her until I can get on my feet, no charge for anything. Logically, it's one of the best choices I could possibly make, especially considering the kind of person my mother is and how unlikely things will turn around for her like she hopes. There are a couple downsides to living with my grandmother, but nothing I couldn't handle. But I can't get around the emotional aspect of it. I'd feel like I was abandoning my mother, even though she's not my responsibility and she's an adult. Logically, I know that I am not her caretaker, that I'm not responsible for her situation or her choices, and that she should be the one to figure out her mess.
    I feel that part of the problem is I'm not sure if I have the strength to push through and just do it. I've spent all of this past year picking up the pieces of my life and trying to fit things back together, which hasn't worked all that well considering the huge chunks that are now missing from my life, parts that are just shattered beyond repair. Right now I'm stuck in survival mode, devoting all my energy to pushing through each day, scraping myself up off the floor when necessary. I'm on my own here, with no one to fall back on, no one to catch me when I fall.
    I reached the point of being afraid to hope a while ago. To me, hope has become such a dangerous thing; I've become Tantalus, taunted and grasping for something always out of reach.
    I'm really hoping my vacation with J will help clear my mind. I desperately need a break from everything and he always helps give me perspective on things.
    When she was just a girl, she expected the world.
    But it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth.
    Life goes on, it gets so heavy.
    The wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall.
    In the night, the stormy night, she'll close her eyes.
    In the night, the stormy night, away she'd fly,
    And dream of paradise...
  19. Like
    starla1979 reacted to Veruca for a blog entry, It's Snowing!   
    Real snow, the kind that sticks and is fluffy and makes the world white and sparkley and beautiful! I took my dog for a walk in her Rudolph hoodie and the world was silent and beautiful. All I could hear was the sound of her sniffing the snow and an owl off in the distance. She would look up at me from time to time with her sweet little face and make me smile. I felt safe and happy. I wish life were like this al the time and I wish that everyone could feel that kind of happiness and peace for just a moment. These moments are rare so I cherish them so much.
    Last night I had about 2 hours of anxiety but I did what Phaleuphoria mentioned and just wrote it out in my blog and saved it as a draft. It helped. Somethings need to be published but it was nice to just get it out. Thank you in case you read this! :)
  20. Like
    starla1979 reacted to LibraryLady for a blog entry, Up And Down And All Around   
    Hey Everyone! Love to you all!
    Well my emotions have really been bouncing all around the last few days. Up and down, side to side. Sigh!
    I was listening to Amy Winehouse today and feeling so sad for her loss. She had the most unique jazz and blues voice I've ever heard. And, I've listened to a lot of the old-time performers from way back! There is a lot of Amy's music on YouTube if you've never listened to her. Amy suffered terribly and died at the young age of 27 because of drugs and alcohol. I think all she ever really wanted was to be loved. Sigh.
    On a happy note, I bought myself (another) new easel! The one I got this past year is a portable one that I'm taking on my painting trip in March. It's a great easel for painting outside, but has too large of a footprint in my living room. I kept tripping over the legs, which splay way out. Since I have sort of a tendency to fall anyway, I thought it'd be a good idea to get a regular studio easel that has a smaller footprint!
    So, I ordered a medium-duty H-frame easel right after Dec. 1st. It came in yesterday! Wow! I put it together last night, which was hard for me. First of all, I'm pretty girly and don't know much about tools and stuff! Secondly, my arthritis makes my hands weak so turning a screwdriver is pretty difficult! And, I had to get up and down off the floor a few times! For a 200+ lady, that is hard!
    This easel has a smaller footprint, but it is TALL! And way wider than my portable easel. It's like a real artists easel! I feel like a sort of faker with such a great easel, when my talent is certainly not equal to it! But, I am thrilled, and I painted a little on it last night. It got baptised with some sky blue paint! LOL! I'll take some pictures of it this weekend and see if I can post them in the gallery. I have my painting stuff set up in the corner of my living room, I call it my Art Spot. :-)
    That's it from me for now. I am painting as much as I can to ease my anxiety. I'm trying to get ready for Christmas. I'm dealing with things at work. I guess it's just life as per usual!
    Love to everyone!
  21. Like
    starla1979 reacted to apple_bloom for a blog entry, What Do You Need?   
    My therapist got me thinking today. One of the biggest issues I tend to have is not getting my needs met. Sometimes it's because I don't have the proper support system, other times it's because I don't know how or when to ask. Usually one feeds the other and I end up snapping out of frustration. It's even gotten to the point where if asked, I don't even know what I need - why bother when the need won't be met anyway?
    So, I began to think about what are my actual needs. By knowing what they are in the first place, I can better realize when they're not getting met and/or plan how to go about meeting them.
    Personal space. I need to have a comfort zone, usually my room, where I can feel comfortable and block out the world when I need to. Ideally I want this to be in my own apartment, but I'm working on that.
    Friendships based on trust and mutual respect. These are more difficult to come by.
    A sense of purpose in my life.
    Feeling loved, wanted, and needed by someone - in friendships as well as the romantic sense.
    Sex. (Hey, I'm human. So sue me.) At the very least physical affection of some kind.
    Regular social interaction, even if it's just chatting.
    Having fun every once in a while. One of my lesser needs, I think, but it really doesn't get met as often as I wish it would.
    To feel good about myself. Another lesser need compared to some of the others, but I'm slowly working on it. Not exactly easy when you've had low self-esteem for most of your life.

    Right now, none of these needs are really being met, at least not to the extent that I want them to, but I'm making steps towards them. I'd like to get something working right in my life, for once.
  22. Like
    starla1979 reacted to spacejunk for a blog entry, Saturn   
    I needed time to get away. I am not at a mental place where I am comfortable yet, but it has helped.
    "You will begin to heal when you let go of past hurts. Forgive those who have wronged you and learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes."
    I am trying to become more peaceful and learn from the wisdom of others. I am trying to learn to forgive myself and others who have hurt me. I want to be more patient, more kind, and work on my inner beauty. I want to forgive my past relationships and leave it behind me. I am determined to find peace so I can better fully appreciate what I have and what I had to go through to get here. I will learn to recognize my strengths and to give credit where it is due. I will learn to let go and to choose my battles. I will get to a place where it does not sting my heart to think of a memory.
    I want to begin again, and instead of mourning lost time, relish the time I have yet to spend. This will be a new starting line where my scars are still present but will no longer throb in the rain. This will be the new me and my depression will not hold me back.
  23. Like
    starla1979 reacted to DarkRain for a blog entry, Just Wanted To Share   
    I just wanted to share two songs that impacted me a lot. The First is 'Suffer' by VNV Nation.
    Hours from sunrise, here in the heart of darkness
    Where even demons fear to tread
    Restraints that hold you down and render you helpless
    Behind the wall that I was climbing
    You with the broken wings, you the sinner
    You, the patron saint of self-inflicted pity
    In search of the pieces you lost when you fell apart
    Suffer the children who like you knew no better
    Mistakes and abuses, scars, wounds and bruises
    Close your eyes, close your eyes
    If you should fall, if the world turns away
    If it all becomes too much, if you can't take the pain
    Here you have strength, here you are safe from harm
    Here yo have healing, all the things you never had
    You don't have to live in pain
    You want the things that hurt you more
    You don't have to suffer for the things you never had
    Here you have strength, here you are safe from harm
    Here yo have healing, all the things you never had
    And the second is 'Illusion' also by VNV Nation
    I know it's hard to tell,
    How mixed up you feel,
    Hoping what you need,
    Is behind every door.
    Each time you get hurt,
    I don't want you to change,
    Because everyone has hopes,
    You're human after all.
    The feeling sometimes,
    Wishing you were someone else,
    Feeling as though,
    You never belong.
    This feeling is not sadness,
    This feeling is not joy,
    I truly understand,
    Please don't cry now.
    Please don't go,
    I want you to stay,
    I'm begging you, please,
    Please don't leave here,
    I don't want you to hate,
    For all the hurt that you feel,
    The world is just illusion,
    Trying to change you.
    Being like you are,
    Well this is something else,
    Who would comprehend?
    But some that do lay claim,
    Divine purpose,
    Blesses them,
    That's not what I believe,
    And it doesn't matter anyway.
    A part of your soul,
    Ties you to the next world,
    Or maybe to the last,
    But I'm still not sure.
    But what I do know,
    Is to us the world is different,
    To we are to the world,
    But I guess you would know that.
    Please don't go,
    I want you to stay,
    I'm begging you, please,
    Please don't leave here,
    I don't want you to hate,
    For all the hurt that you feel,
    The world is just illusion,
    Trying to change you.
  24. Like
    starla1979 reacted to apple_bloom for a blog entry, Leave My Body   
    First, I would like to thank phalseuphoria, Violet31, and PulledPork for your kind words and support. It means a lot to have someplace to turn where people understand how I feel and what I'm king through.
    It's been a rough week. Depression kicked in full-force and I sank to a low. I'm sure part of it had to do with my hormones (sorry, gentlemen, feel free to skip this next bit). I started my period exactly on time, as I would have if I had stayed on my birth control, which I completely did not expect. So the hormonal deluge, combined with a cold and stress from work and my mother, pretty much pushed me over.
    I'm feeling a little better - not great, but at least not terrible. I've lost 15 pounds - even my manager noticed yesterday and said I looked slimmer. I hope to at least feel comfortable in my own body, since the rest of my life seems to want nothing more than to screw itself up.
    When it comes to my physical appearance, my low self-esteem has always been focused on my weight. Even when I was a teenager and lost a lot of weight, I was never satisfied and never received any positive reinforcement for it. Now, as an adult, it doesn't matter so much anymore if I get attention or not. Sure, a passing compliment always feels nice, but in terms of receiving any attention or notice from men - whatever. At this point, I give up trying in that arena.
    My therapist commented once when I brought it up to her that men may just be intimidated by me because I look intelligent. Not sure if I buy that.
    I don't want no future,
    I don't need no past,
    One bright moment
    Is all I ask...
    "Leave My Body" - Florence + The Machine
  25. Like
    starla1979 reacted to jojin for a blog entry, She Walks Behind Me   
    She walks Behind me,
    Slow and Silent.
    Her black gossamer gown,
    Torn at the hem from wear,
    Dragging and stirring about the ground
    Beneath her.
    Bloodied, Bare, Feet
    Crossing over stone
    and Cracked Sidewalks
    The Hollow, Haunted,
    Gaze fixed forward
    Like a Lion
    after prey
    She first appeared when I
    Was a Child.
    When words hurt
    Like jagged
    Claws, Scracthing
    into my Chest.
    Scaring my Skin
    She has followed
    And Follows
    Her presence does
    Not Soothe the soul
    Stirs the Stillness
    Her dark veil
    Hides the hell
    She inflicts
    She has embraced me
    I fold in her arms
    While she whispers
    Promises of Peace
    Once, she held to long
    Invited me to follow
    To where it is always
    And Where
    There is Quiet
    She Dressed me in Black
    And placed lillies in my hands
    The Rest was my doing
    And I nearly gave in.
    I refuse to grow that
    Ever Again.
    She follows me still
    Her Arms reaching out.
    Every now and again
    I crumple into them
    She invites me Still
    to the Dark Depth
    For now,
    Walk steadily
    Cautiously forward
    Down unseen roads
    She Walks Behind Me.
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