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Lacia Marie

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  1. I think that it is so sad that the world is so intolerant of change. People are people, and love is love.
  2. Dear Scared, I know it's hard to put yourself out there. I myself am currently terrified of people. I hope that you keep trying though. You're not alone with the alarm clock in your head thing either. I do it all the time. I hope you feel better about yourself soon too, because there are other people out there who really care for you. Sorry if this is kind of blunt. I'm new to this kind of thing...
  3. To be truly honest, I'm terrified to post about anything real. But these forums seem relatively sa'fe, and I need a place to spill. I know my issues sound minor, petty, and most people who read this will probably just say "you're such a wimp" or "suck it up", especially when compared with many other people's problems, but I need a friend. No, I won't even ask for a friend, just someone who will listen (or in this case read). A couple weeks ago, I started High School. I went into it with these 'pie in the sky' ideas on how everything was going to change for the better. The idiots would mature, at least a little, and I would make tons of new friends. Those hopes were crushed, no, stomped into dust. Nothing's changed at all, except that every step I take, every word I say seems to take twice the effort. Some mornings I feel sick at just the thought of going through another lonely day. Honestly, I think lonely should be it's own mental disease, because it is just as devestating as any depression. It can make you sick physically too. I had a horrible cold, and a fever this weekend. Maybe its' stress doing the actual virus imitation, but lonliness makes you exhausted. My best friend moved away this summer, and even before now I felt like she was the only one who understood me.We talk on the phone, but I don't feel like I know the girl on the other end of the line anymore. She didn't have many opportunities here, so she pretended she didn't want to do anything. I didn't know at the time, she never said anything; I thought I knew her so well too... Down where she lives now, she can do anything. Part of my is really happy for her. She said she's moving back next year, but that part of me wants her to stay where she's at. She's so much happier there, she has a real family, and she's making friends and joining in extra curriculars. But when I'm walking down that hallway full of strangers and they're leering "Freshman," I would do just about anything to have her back. The old her, the one I thought I knew, not the cheerleading volleyball player who now worships the music we used to hate together. In middle school, I used to always have a group. We were the strange, weird kids, and I liked to think of us as the Band of Misfits. It has officially disbanded the second day of high school. Everyone found a new group, it seems, except me. They tell me they miss me, then when we get together they ignore me completely. I went to a football game with two friends last week. I sat right between the two of them. One talked with everyone else but me, and the other was on the phone with her new boyfriend the entire time before she left early. I wanted to disappear. People have started to terrify me. The nicest word I've been called on the bus this week was lesbian. And while I do support the gay community and believe that love is love no matter who you find it in, when they say it with such a hateful inflection, it hurts just as much as being cursed at. It's not like they do it quietly either. They announce it to the whole bus, make a show out of it. "There's a lesbian on the bus!" Type of things. I always sit by myself. And now, I've started to withdraw even more in other places. I don't talk to people much at school; who knows what they'll think? Will they be mean? I know that everyone isn't bad, but I can't help but see each stranger as a potential threat. I hate feeling so vulnerable and helpless. I know right when I wake up what kind of day it's going to be. Good mood = good day. Bad mood = bad day. I can't change it. It's just how I am, and believe me I've tried to change it on those bad ones. On the good days, I'm on top of the world, and people are kind, dreams come true, and everything is just so beautiful. On the bad days, people are so horrible, and I wish I could fade into the wallpaper, the world is cruel, and nobody understands me. The extreme fluctuation scares me greatly. But I don't tell anyone. Mental illness runs in both sides of my family. My mom cries when my grandma regresses, and she fears she'll get it too. I don't have the heart to ask her to have me tested. I love reading angsty books on those days. Especially ones about suicide, although I have no idea as to why. I don't really know who I am yet. Every time I think I've figured out something, it changes. The lack of identity is weird, but I'm afraid to find out what's lurking beneath the surface. What if I don't like what I see? What if I'm really messed up? I'm not sure, I just need somone to say something, to know that somebody somewhere cares. I want to matter, if only to a stranger. I figured that I can confide here annonymously, so that makes it as good a place as any. I actually found this site after reading a book, "By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead," where a suicidal girl gets help from forums. I sure hope that this works. It would hurt to put myself out there and be ignored again.
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