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Everything posted by katersbee

  1. Frankly in my opinion it's bordering on cyberstalking and I would cease all communication immediately, indefinitely. This has gone far beyond the point of fixing and I would be absolutely terrified if I was someone in the public eye and some guy was doing this to me. On another serious note, if you feel you are having real problems letting go then I would seek professional help at the very least talk it over with your doctor as this is far beyond normal behaviour, it's more like fascination and could if not already turn into full blown stalking if left unchecked. Cease all communications immediately, permanently otherwise you could find yourself in deep water.
  2. Completely agree with spiritual wanderer here. It sounds like you just don't have the guts to action the huge change. You sound like you know what needs to happen but you're doing the "better the devil you know, than the devil you don't" approach which will not only disrupt your life, your mental health but that of your wife too, which is totally unfair and of course the other woman also. Reading your post, you know what needs to happen, you can't make good, gloss over a failed relationship, it sounds like it is past salvaging, if you have to put that much work into keeping a relationship alive then it's probably one you shouldn't be in. It sounds to me that you're trying to salvage the wrong relationship and that is hurting everyone involved and prolonging the agony for your wife. If it were me (well it has been recently) I would do the what I consider the right thing and bring a conclusion to your failed marriage (as you have tried to fix it) put your wife out of her agony, allow her to move on in time and get on with your life in whatever way you see fit. However, I would still not jump into a new relationship after bringing a conclusion to your previous one, take it slowly.
  3. Hi Fiona, The best bit of comfort I can give is this will sort itself out and you will feel better once it has. I think it's very wise thing to do to allow him to see her as like you said at least you've done the right thing and not forced him into any decision, which is good for your own well being whichever way it goes. Also, let's be honest he has been devious enough over the last year seeing her anyway so there would be nothing you could do or say to stop him and to be honest why should you. In the end of the day if he stays it's because he wants to not for any other reason. I think you're being incredibly level headed about this, I can not commend your behaviour enough as you must be going through hell yourself :( Just know we're (I'm) here if you need to vent or get anything off your chest and good luck x
  4. Nothing will ever come of it as he will never ever want to risk his job for a client, so all this is just one huge waste of time and setting your own mental health backwards. You need to talk to your doctor about this as like PulledPork has said, it could help with your own recovery, but right now keeping this crush to yourself and it getting to a point of Googling him and thinking that there could be a possibility of a relationship with him is hurting your own mental health and should be discussed, after all that is what he is there for and trust me, it won't be the first patient (both male or female) that has told him they have a crush on him or they're in love with him.
  5. Just popping by to say I'm thinking about you and hope you're doing as well as can be expected.
  6. Just checking in to make sure everything is going ok? how's the kids?
  7. I'm sorry to have to be blunt with you but you either have to change doctors yourself or tell him about your feelings so he can arrange different doctors as this is rather destructive behaviour towards yourself and the more he is in your life the worst it is going to get for you. There is no future, there is no chance, so move on please and do something pro-active about sorting this problem out for your own sake.
  8. I know exactly what you're both going through having been through those conversations in the last few months and my advice would be to consult a solicitor as soon as possible if you think it is going that way, just for some general advice, normally the first hour or session is free of charge. If you need any advice then just ask here or via PM. Take care of yourself.
  9. Well it sounds like he has got himself into a situation he doesn't have the guts to see through and is going through the motions waiting for someone else to make his decisions for him, whether that be you or the other woman, hence the panic attacks at what he has done vs what's around the corner. It would not surprise me what so ever if the other woman has given him an ultimatum recently hence why all this has come out all of a sudden. I guess the first port of call would be to demand the other woman is history, full stop, end of story and see what he has to say and work from there. Good luck, we're all here for you.
  10. Firstly I'm so sorry to hear the news, but given time it will not seem as much as a shock to you once you start putting bits and pieces together. I can only speak for myself but taking what I know from my own experiences is that I think you may be being a tough naive still about depression is the cause of everything, hence why the medics have stopped his personal counselling and channelled it more into relationship counselling. I very much doubt the professionals would do that if they thought his depression was underlying. I would imagine it's more that the relationship problems were the cause of his depression maybe? at least that sounds logical to me in terms of the path the counselling is going. Chin up Fiona, at least you now know and you can deal with the actual problem, rather than ***** footing around him, treating him with kid gloves. Now is YOUR time, take care of YOURSELF, if you feel your own mental health is slipping, please get help so you can cope with whatever path you decide to go and above all don't make any rushed decisions. Take a few days to think about each and every thought then act upon them accordingly. Sorry I've just re-read your post and saw the affair is still going on? If I was you I would prepare for a separation as he clearly can't stop seeing her so it's probably coming out now preparing himself (and you) for leaving, trying to make you kick him out as he hasn't got the mental health to do it, to force his hand so to speak.
  11. Well the new relationship sounds like it's going from strength to strength and hopefully he's taking you somewhere nice for Valentines day, mine is :) It's nice to know that he's doing something because he wants to as the majority of the time it was ignored before or just done to shut me up! I'm finding the EX scenario similar this end, he has completely distanced himself from me, I get no calls, no texts, no random showing up and if when he is collecting the kids (he organized with them directly now) I ask him in for a cuppa while he waits he says politely no he'll sit in the car and wait. Perhaps it's just a realization that it's over now and they have to let go? Either way it shouldn't worry either of us any further as long as they're being a good parent to our kids. Talking of which, how's your two going now? things settling down? Not on FB yet, I'm currently waiting on decent internet as this is terribly unreliable then I'll get myself an iPad as all that sort of stuff is so much better on a tablet, daughter has one so I use hers :)
  12. This was my concern that you would be pulled into having depressive thoughts/depression/anxiety yourself which is perfectly understandable for what you are being put through. What is being asked from you is extremely difficult thing to accomplish and to live by ; supporting, loving, helping a man through an illness who could at least in theory once better could walk out. We all know that is a possibility and living under that pressure is enough for anyone to start to crackup. That is why I said that you need YOU time, time with friends, go out a night a week and kick back and yes make an appointment with your GP and tell everything and get some professional support yourself.
  13. Hi, firstly sorry for the delay and of course I do not mind answering any questions. Right oh god, it's a long story but I'll try and keep it to the bits that I think you want to know. I was completely aware that my marriage had failed and it was causing my mental health to suffer. But as a young mother of two I just ploughed into bringing my babies up, they started to grow up and need me less and less that's when my 'turning point' happened, I woke up one morning with a rare clear mind and subjectively looked at my life and what it had become and where it was going. The vast majority of my married life has been one distraction to the next so my head could remain in the sand and not think to much about my unhappy life, how depressed I felt. At first it was the children - for the first 10 years that helped as they needed me most of the time so I could postpone how I was thinking, but once they need you less then the realities of ones situation hits you. So I started a small business to part distract myself and unfortunately like many self medicated with alcohol so I didn't have to think. It was only when that got too much and people started noticing did I go to get help and then it was another 4-5 year struggle (one suicide attempt) to get myself to this point now where divorce is around the corner and I'm a much happier person. I think in your case it is important to keep a realistic approach in your mind that it could go either way and just get on with your life, support your husband through his illness and see where it ends up. I know how tempting it is to look for answers in other peoples experiences but the reality is everyone's are entirely different and the only time you will know which way it is going is when your personal circumstances presents itself to you so just keep a middle of the roads approach. Until you know better do as you're doing and treat it as an illness and DO NOT forget about yourself as this sort of experience can bring you down with it (health wise) make sure you look after yourself, make sure you do things outside of the marriage, with your friends, have a night out and so on. Keep life ticking over as a conclusion will only happen when it happens and since you are being realistic about it going either way, that's all you can really do in my opinion. Also don't be afraid to pull him up on something if he is treating you badly, having depression, even severe depression isn't a get out of jail free card, you too have feeling, emotions. Good luck xx
  14. Having another cuppa in the hope this one will actually wake me up and catching up on here. Had a lovely weekend away so today is a catch up on washing and ironing day!
  15. I have read this thread with great interest as it reminds me a little of what I was going through but I was the person that had depression. I think the advice that PP and Teacher has given is excellent and the only thing I would add to this is don't beat yourself up about this and also prepare for the worst but hope for the best outcome. My depression was caused by my marriage but at first, well for many years I ignored it as best I could as I had children to bring up, it was only when they reached a point in their life that they didn't need me all the time did I allow myself to think about just how bad I was and that is when my life spiralled out of control when I admitted to myself the realities of my situation and life. Obviously I can not say one way or another if your husbands depression was caused by a relationship or something else or a mixture of things but as far as I'm aware depression doesn't just happen? There are causes and that could be relationship based or as mentioned could be because he feels he has let you down. I think it's important to get to counselling as soon as possible, I know money is tight but perhaps talk to your GP to see if they have any contribution based psychotherapy schemes locally where you pay what you feel you can for help as the longer you wait (NHS?) for therapy the worst things can become. I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to show you the other side of the coin. My depression is currently all but gone now but I had to remove myself from my long term marriage to get it to that point. Also, with regard to the mid-life crisis for me that was also a consideration as I am approaching 40 myself. I told myself that if I was not free of my relationship by then I would just give up on life. I don't think a mid-life crisis is what a lot of people perceive them to be about. For me it was a general "I am approaching half way point in my life, I need to do something about my problems so I can be happy again" not a wake up one moment and think "crap! I'll be 40 soon best end my marriage" I also think it's important to THINK ABOUT YOURSELF and how this is affecting you, if you feel your health/stress levels are worsening then perhaps you should talk to your GP or have a regular 'debrief' with a good friend to get it all out of your system.
  16. So many people are in favour of divorce in some incidents as it is the only solution for people to become happy once again, a bad relationship can be the worst thing in the world, kids or not and can turn people to ill health, ill mental health or worst, suicide. Parents can not stay together for the kids sake only, there has to be a glimmer of hope for the relationship outside of the children as if there is not the marriage just goes from bad to worse and the child suffer far more than they would if there was a clean break and the separation was carried out sensibly for the childrens sake. It is for everyone's long term gain.
  17. I think your son will calm down in time, It's just a transitional phase he is probably trying to work out how the ground lays for him as I said you just can not allow them to get away with m***** because you feel guilty for them being put in the place, they need to know that as before, if they do something wrong then they will be told off for it. The psychologist said to me about just keeping things as normal as possible to make the transition as easy as possible and keep enforcing that mum and dad still love them and nothing else is going to change, this is their home etc. I'm so glad that things are going well with your new guy, we deserve some happiness don't we? just because we're mothers it doesn't mean we should stay in an unhappy environment which forces us on medication and a life full of anxiety and panic attacks! This isn't the 1920's any more!! I'm so glad we've both been strong enough to end this travesty so we can be happy but boy was it a journey eh? I wouldn't want to wish that experience on my worst enemy. I've been thinking it over and I think I'm going to set up a facebook around in the next day or two, I've still got your PM so will add you, I'll be the saddo with one friend, you :) That's what burying your head in the sand for years and getting on with a dysfunctional lifestyle does for you, you lose your friends :(
  18. Freezing last night but this morning beautiful blue sky!
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