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About steellord414

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  1. So after 3 months and no appeal and 1 interview with a psych eval, i was granted SSI. I've also never been hospitalized (because i knew it would be useless), haven't been on treatment of any kind for over 2 years (again, because i concluded it's useless), and finished my degree and worked a job for about 4 months this past year. I know how rare this outcome is. I hear endless cases where people *were* hospitalized, on countless meds, and perpetual unemployment and yet were denied. Well i want to be as helpful as i can. If there are any questions, please ask here or in PM
  2. The only thing that will ensure you get nowhere is you totally give up. Sounds corny but man, i've seen people hook up at a mental hospital. So i figure it's mostly about patience to filter out those who can't be a good match. Wait till you find someone with common interests and *then* approach em, and well, if it doesn't work out, at least you spent time on something you *both* normally enjoy. If a match remains elusive? Better than forcing a bad fit. It is possible to have friends and a fulfilling life without a constant romantic interest
  3. Inability to relate is the driving force behind so much hostility. Even LGB being lumped together doesn't really reflect a unified front or identical goals. For one, a lot of lesbians and gay men don't hang out because there's nothing to gain sexually or romantically, or having little in common. I have heard disturbing ignorance though from bisexuals, who insist that sexuality is always a spectrum and no one is truly gay or hetero. Then i've heard from others "at least i/they got it half right." Many of them also don't seriously consider a relationship with same sex and never reveal in public that they're bisexual, because they're able to love the opposite sex too and avoid the stigma. This doesn't seem very unified to me. You're also right that transgender isn't as tolerated by LGB. Part is not wanting to be associated. For instance, in my state there was antidiscrimination bill that left out transgender. The public and even republicans are getting behind LGB but not T, so you see gay rights groups and individuals selling out T in order to secure rights and respect for themselves. Also, there is the inability to relate i mentioned, which shouldn't be brushed aside. LGB are no more automatically going to "get" transgender than heterosexuals will. There needs to be dedicated education on this to improve things.
  4. I don't really know. I guess it took off shortly after depression did, my social life became screwed, and i gave up hope of getting better. I think this last point is especially responsible, since once i heard of ECT and got approved, the anhedonia lifted somewhat. Once it failed to achieve longterm results, i lost hope again and the anhedonia returned fully.
  5. This way of looking at it though can give credence to the hostility we face from others. Why is it the elderly especially will go on and on about their vertigo or back problems or allergies, but at best we get a dismissive "Go to a therapist and leave me alone", "try harder," "get over yourself," if we ever bring up depression. Yes, environment can play a role and so can how we process it, but the same is true of most "real" illness - yes even cancer. There are very few purely genetic illness. Like most everything, depression is on a spectrum. Unless i'm heavily distracted, i get suicidal thoughts out of seemingly nowhere, about as often or more often than most guys think about sex. Is this my fault, the product of negative thinking, even though i'm often thinking of nothing at all when i feel unable to get out of bed, or a desire to end it altogether? What makes me really skeptical of this claim is that ECT instantly worked to cut down on that, through no special effort of my own. But like many illness treatment, the benefits wore off over time and i'm right back to having these...urges...again through no effort of my own. Perhaps you're right in some sense that *some* with depression can improve their condition in part by changing their thinking, but like a recovering addict, it won't come easily, there can be relapse, and in the meantime none of us deserve to be ridiculed like we aren't suffering similarly to other illness
  6. I'm curious if anyone else reached a point where you basically only carry on out of spite? When i think back to those times and how it was my only motivation, it makes sense why depression took off then. Hard to go from that to a more positive outlook i guess, even once you escape that environment.
  7. check PM also consider the chatroom, anyone who is also lonely
  8. There's really not much inherent disadvantage to being lgbt when you think on it. If we could somehow remove from the equation all the religious thumpers, social pressure, hiding it, the only problem left i can think of is there's fewer of us. In a small town like i grew up, very hard to find a partner. So it doesn't depress me in itself, but i struggled to accept at first, then the reaction i got as i could not pretend to like girls, i fell into deep depression from the endless taunts and a few assaults, and losing all friends. This was around 8th grade. I just haven't been able to escape the negative thoughts even years later and many miles away. Looking at my extended family, it's probly genetic disposition and the rough times triggered it
  9. Well this is why i'd rather be unemployed than move to the bible belt. That would be true even if i wasn't gay i think. But i'm from rural area, like less than 2k town, and yeah it can suck bad. Most frustrating thing is seeing other guys on apps like grindr only a few miles away, so they do exist, but they are so closeted and paranoid of discovery it makes even getting together a huge pain. If i could find a partner back then i wouldn't care if the only gay couple around. Yeah, nearest party scene like a gay bar was 30 miles, but i've never been much a partying type anyway. Once i got a bf, i wouldn't care much.
  10. OP please don't seriously consider ending it all. Life is too precious to throw away over one a******. Not to make light of your struggles, as I've been thru much of the same due to bullying. But it means there is another way to deal with this. As you said, the nightmare days of being a target, that's all over. I know it's hard to believe but that bully may even regret his actions now and you have nothing to fear going outside. People do grow up like that. You're not a schoolboy prisoner anymore. As adult, you pick your own path and you won't run into those bullies. I moved 100 miles away for instance. Well guess what, i never saw any of em again! It does take time to recover psychologically, no question. Understand, none of this is your fault! You got some great advice here, if they'll allow me to add to that: Takes time to recover...no doubt, you may similar to me go from thinking of suicide every few-several minutes to rarely ever. Truly, but depression requires mental effort on our part. That's what therapy is for. You can learn to not blame yourself and to set goals and look *ahead* not back. As you make some real progress, all that other from your past starts to fade. Not everyone's a bully...indeed, you distrust people and i totally get that. I thought all people suck and have the worst intentions. But a better environment may help. I've now met dozens of people who are too kind and ambitious to ever waste the day away mocking some harmless kid. Anyway, as adult you now have rights if anyone did try to harass you.
  11. Well it's important to have a reason for anything. If dropping out, at least keep the door open to return and get help to put yourself in a better position to succeed next time. I took last semester off to get ECT. I'm on treatment #22 of 23 and there's really no way i could've kept going to class, unless i wanted to fail, cause it messes with your short term memory. I'm so much better now, so much more energized, focused, and reduced negative thinking that not only did i avoid what turned out a grueling winter struggling thru classes, but in the fall i'll return and surely be 10x better off. My uncle is another story. I kept getting compared to him by parents, like i'm a "deadringer", but that kind of insults me. We may appear similar and have similar symptoms, but i've had much more success and dealt with depression better. He was found in the woods about to end his life, got committed, blamed his mother who is the sweetest lady i've ever met, has done nothing since high school except for 1 semester junior college. He also knocked up some woman i've never met and god knows what happened to his kid
  12. Didn't see this till now. This is one of those subjects that's dogged me since forever. There were signs all the way back to age 5-6. Every now and then i'd get teased "You cross your legs like a girl" "You laugh like a girl." I was even kicked out of a class once for laughing along with most everyone else. I'd take interest in 'girl toys' like easy-bake-oven. Then came puberty and actually liking guys and from this point, i didn't want others to know, but they'd figure it out anyway and come right up in the hall "are you gay?" In certain ways, i did come out, like walking away from girl on girl porn (then the guy i'm with would tell everyone). So i pretty much lost all friends in middle/high school from this. By time i got to college, i'd completely had enough of trying and failing to hide it. Serious depression, i was moving 100 miles away. A few weeks into it, i called home to discuss how things were going (as we agreed) and added that i was gay. Well, don't underestimate denial i guess. The parents did not know and reacted badly. "Don't call again till you straighten up." This was perfectly fine with me. I haven't talked to them since, but found a new family of sorts here.
  13. I dunno how many will be impacted by this (i've never been there), but it's nice to see triumphant news for once. Gay marriage ban ending in England and Wales on Saturday LONDON — Partners for nearly a decade, Sarah Keith and Emma Powell are moving next month from their native England to New York. But first, they have an important piece of business to take care of: their wedding. “We’re quite calm about it,” Powell said Friday as she strolled the coastal streets of Brighton with 24 hours to go before “I do” time. “We’re not bridezillas.” Graphic From a PSA in Afghanistan that resembles Rock the Vote, to a daredevil leaping off the Great Wall of China, here are five must-see videos from around the world you might have missed this week. From a PSA in Afghanistan that resembles Rock the Vote, to a daredevil leaping off the Great Wall of China, here are five must-see videos from around the world you might have missed this week. England, too, has been quite calm about their wedding, even though it marks the sort of transformational moment that has both cheered and horrified people worldwide in recent years. With the stroke of midnight, same-sex couples were, for the first time, permitted to marry in England and Wales, and many did in middle-of-the-night celebrations. The weddings united same-sex partners who have for a decade been allowed to form civil partnerships, but until now have been prohibited from tying the knot. The change is largely being taken in stride, with little rancor from opponents and a sense from supporters that same-sex marriage was long overdue. Britain had already allowed gay couples to adopt children, and gay service members are permitted to serve openly in the military. Unlike in the United States and other countries that have been roiled by debates over gay rights, marriage equality has overwhelming support here, and was passed by a comfortable majority in Parliament in July. Leaders of all three main parties — including the ruling Conservatives — backed the bill, and Prime Minister David Cameron championed its passage. In an article for the Web site PinkNews published late Friday, Cameron hailed the new law. “It says we are a country that will continue to honour its proud traditions of respect, tolerance and equal worth,” Cameron wrote for the Web site, which describes itself as Europe’s largest gay news service. “It also sends a powerful message to young people growing up who are uncertain about their sexuality. It clearly says ‘you are equal’ whether straight or gay.” The lack of outspoken opposition reflects how quickly attitudes have changed in a country where, just a generation ago, same-sex couples were described by law as “a pretended family relationship,” and schools were banned from doing anything that might promote homosexuality. “It’s definitely a landmark moment,” said Richard Lane, spokesman for the gay rights advocacy group Stonewall. Same-sex relationships, he said, will now be recognized as “just as loving, united and, frankly, mundane as everyone else’s relationships.” For Powell and Keith, the legislation came just in time. They could have married when they arrived in their new home in New York — one of 17 U.S. states, plus the District of Columbia, that allow same-sex marriage. But many of their friends and family members in England would have been unable to attend. And the couple wouldn’t have had the satisfaction of getting married in their home country. “It’s a shame that it took as long as it did. But it ended up being perfect timing,” said Powell, 29, who works as an advocate for student rights and who was to marry in front of 100 friends and relatives at a seaside hotel. Despite the change Saturday, the United Kingdom, like the United States, remains a patchwork when it comes to gay-marriage laws. While gay marriage will now be legal in England and Wales, it remains prohibited in the union’s other two component parts: Scotland and Northern Ireland. The devolved Scottish assembly recently passed legislation that will change that, with same-sex weddings likely by the end of the year. Gay marriage is considered a political non-starter in Northern Ireland, primarily because of vehement opposition from the area’s main Protestant churches and their affiliated political parties. Homosexuality was illegal in Northern Ireland until the early 1980s. The new law is also opposed by the Church of England, whose bishops wrote a letter last month reminding clergy that “Christian understanding and doctrine of marriage as a lifelong union between one man and one woman remains unchanged.” But Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby appeared to soften the church’s tone this week, suggesting to the Guardian newspaper that clergy would not resist the change. “I think the church has reacted by fully accepting that it's the law, and should react on Saturday by continuing to demonstrate in word and action the love of Christ for every human being,” he said. The comments echo those of Pope Francis, who has remained adamantly opposed to same-sex marriage but who famously asked in July: “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Louis Monaco, who grew up Catholic in New Jersey, said he “never thought gay marriage would happen in my lifetime.” But five years after moving to London, the 46-year-old psychologist would enter his local borough hall Saturday morning and marry his partner of a year and a half, Aarron Erbas. Then they would celebrate at the pub where they met. “It’s unbelievable,” Monaco said. “Having all my friends there to celebrate with, it’s going to be the best thing ever.” Karla Adam contributed to this report. Quote: The Washington Post
  14. I don't really know where else to put this, but i'm starting ECT tomorrow morning, 3 days a week for a month. It's long in coming and badly needed but also kind of scary. I know it's no more risky than other procedures with anesthesia, but they're "zapping my brain." Guess i just wondered if anyone else been thru it or just wanted to say what's going on...
  15. I hope you are having an amazing day! : ) ღ Lindsay

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