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About Seabeach

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    Community Assistant
  • Birthday 12/04/1959

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    North Carolina, USA
  • Interests
    Dogs, reading, photography, documentaries, the beach

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  1. I hope you had a fabulous day ღ ~Lindsay : )

  2. Confused. Worried. Sad. Anxious. Tired. Angry. Crazy.
  3. I've been away a long time. Hospital sick and home sick. I am back at work after three weeks of leave without pay. I am out of money and on a spending spree. I can feel myself falling again. Getting more and more out of control. I got a credit card to "live" on while I wasn't getting paid, I quickly filled it with junk off Amazon or Brad's list. Spent nearly $1500 in a matter of weeks. It's a signal to me. A sign that I am headed the wrong way down the stairs. I've had some strange ideas lately. My forearms shattering like glass hit by a hammer. That was a recurring thought. Not eating. Always sleeping. Back in February when things really started to slip up I took a long nap (chemically induced). I fell asleep Wednesday morning and was awakened Friday afternoon. In that time I was no where. No thoughts. Not hot or cold. Not hurting or laughing. No noise. It was as though I ceased to exist and it was so painless. So easy. I have never in my life felt that good. Freedom from anxiety and sadness. Lately I've had a lots of thoughts about returning to that dreamless state. I think how far can I push this? Can I just let go for the weekend and be in shape to return to work on Monday? How can I make sure no one bothers me? If they see my car and I don't answer the door there's liable to be trouble once again. No one trusts me to take care of myself in one way. In others, everyone abandoned me after I did what I did. My children and my family have never forgiven me. Its terrible to have to try and apologize and beg forgiveness for feeling so incredibly bad. So I tried for a while and then I said no more. I don't mind being alone. Pretty much I'm angry at all of them now. I have stood by them all through thick and thin. Some really terrible times. But now they distance themselves from me because "they love me" and "I hurt them" and oh go f**k yourself. I don't give a sh*t. Slowly but surely I get rid of one medication after another. I pick and choose what I want to take. My mentality is that I've been mentally ill a long time and I've been taking medication a long time and I'm still mentally ill. So, the meds don't work. Why am I taking them? I am mad at my psychiatrist. She wanted me to come in as I'm not doing well. But she offered me nothing. I couldn't think and in the end she just said she is not here to solve things for me but to help me figure out how to do that myself. Looking back that's correct and I guess my anger is directed towards myself since I KNEW there was nothing she could do and STILL I went and paid money I didn't have to get something no one could give me. She said I probably needed to take time off work. When I told her I didn't have anymore leave and had already gone three weeks without pay she said if I couldn't do that I'd have to figure something else out that would allow me to function and go to work. Any ideas because I couldn't think of a thing. Its just that there comes a time in my illness where I'm just turned inside out. My nerves are screaming. I'm in mental and physical pain. I don't see light ahead. My thoughts get cloudy and unreal. Psychotic even. I go to bed earlier and earlier and get less and less done at work. I can't think beyond reaching from one paper or file to another. Nothing gets done. I need a new tattoo or a piercing. It's a legal way to hurt yourself. *If I've said things in this blog I shouldn't say, let me apologize. I have things to get off my chest and unfortunately they do happen to be ugly things and scary things and hurtful things. I'm not a happy girl.
  4. I had my GP treat my depression until I could get an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I feel it's very important to have someone who is a specialist in Mental Illness treating me. It's kind of like going to your GP for hip problems. Yeah he can prescribe drugs to treat the pain but you need a real Ortho doctor to treat the cause. It can't hurt to try. If you don't like seeing the psychiatrist you can always return to your doctor. I have to say I'm surprised your GP will treat you. Most of them will refer you on. Take care now.
  5. I do understand the whole "staying in bed" thing. For me, when my depression and anxiety hit it's the only place I feel safe. So I give into that need for safety sometimes but I cannot let it rule my life. I might go to work everyday but I promise myself a cup of soup in bed and then staying there until morning. Yesterday I did a lot of chores and running around, things I'd put off for literally weeks. When I got home it was 6:15 but you know, I'd done enough. I accomplished some goals and if I went to bed then it was okay. I felt myself relax the minute I crawled in. I slept soundly till morning. I don't disagree with spending time in bed when you need to, after all it is a quiet and comforting place. But make yourself some goals that you can accomplish and feel like you've done something. Then, if you need to go back to bed you can do so knowing you were productive today.
  6. Hi I am Seabeach. I used to be a support person back in March. Had a bad time, long hospitalization but I am getting back to a level place now. I'd like to be a support staff again. Would that be possible?

  7. Hello and welcome to the Forums. I'm not a doctor so of course can't diagnose you but what you describe does indeed sound like depression. Since most of us here suffer from the same disease you will find lots of help. The first thing I'm going to recommend is seeing a doctor. It is very important to have yourself evaluated by a professional. Then they can see if perhaps you need some medication to feel better. Many of us here take medication and at least for me it has brought me back from the brink and allowed me to live a life I wouldn't otherwise be here to enjoy. It make take several tries before you get the right one for you but hang in there. If you are already seeing a doctor then you need to go in and be honest about what you are thinking and feeling. That sounds easier said than done I know. I went to see my doctor a few weeks ago but was so depressed when she asked how I was doing I said "fine". I most certainly was not fine and so a few weeks later when I couldn't take anymore I went back to see her and was open and honest about how I really felt. She adjusted my medication and I am doing much better now. I don't know where you are from but there are health services nearly everywhere. Call the area helpline where you are from. They aren't just for people feeling suicidal but can help you coordinate services for yourself. If you need more information just PM me. Take care now, Sea
  8. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if you are in a very dark place. You don't mention whether or not you are seeing a doctor for your depression, anxiety and racing thoughts. That would be the first thing I would do. You may need medication. If you are already seeing a doctor then go back in. Recently I was in the same place you are in. I did call my doctor and go in to see her. I told her I knew there was nothing else she could do for me. I'd been on a lot of medications over the years but she raised the dosage on one and I feel like a new person. I was written out of work for my severe depression and anxiety but I absolutely feel I'll be able to go back tomorrow. That's how fast it can happen if you are on the right medication for you. For now, until you can get to a doctor try to comfort yourself. Wrap yourself in a warm blanket. Put on some ocean sounds or rain sounds or whatever you like to get your mind to slow down. Make yourself a cup of tea (something gentle). Do you have a pet? Perhaps you could hold them on your lap or have them sit next to you within petting distance. It can be soothing that slow up and down petting motion on soft fur. Meditate on something serene. I know that is very helpful for slowing things down. Practice self care right now to get yourself through this time. I am wishing you the best. I'm sure you are a wonderful person with many talents and much to give the world. Take care now, Sea
  9. Going to a doctor can't hurt. Perhaps what you are feeling is normal for the ups and downs of a college student but I suspect there is more too it than that. People don't go to bed thinking of suicide each night whether or not you think you won't act on it. That's depression talking. As for your roll playing I wonder how many of us do that? Sometimes roll playing is the only way I can get something difficult done. I take myself out of the difficult situation and put myself in one where I have super powers or super concentraion. I tell myself I am an animal rescuer every time I have to clean out my fish tank! You get my idea. I don't do it all the time but it does come in handy in certain situations. It may also be that you are nervous or shy and roll playing helps you be more brave and forward thinking. I am going to post some numbers for you here. They are not just for suicide but anytime you need a warm voice to speak with. In the middle of the day or the middle of the night they are there for you. As are we. So never hestitate to write here. Take care now and let us know how you're doing. Argentina ~ 223-493-0430 ~ http://www.familiardesuicida.com.ar/ Armenia ~ 2-538-194 or 2-538-197 Australia ~ 1800 55 1800 http://www.kidshelpline.com.au/ or 13-11-14 ~ http://www.lifeline.org.au/ Austria ~ 142 or 01 713 33 74 ~ http://www.telefonse....efonseelsorge/ Barbados ~ 246-429-9999 Belgium ~ 02/648.40.14 or 106 or 107 or 108 ~ http://www.preventiezelfdoding.be/ or http://www.tele-accueil.be/ Bolivia ~ (910) 485-4134 Botswana ~ 391-1270 ~ http://www.befriende....sp?c2=botswana Brasil ~ 55 11 31514109 ~ http://www.cvv.org.br/ Canada ~ 1-800-232-7288 ~ or 911 ~ http://www.dcontario.org/ CANADA Suicide & Crisis Hotlines. Crisis Counselors National Hotline 1-800-448-3000 . TTY - National Hotline 1-800-448-1833 Canada (French) ~ 1-866-277-3553 ~ http://www.cepsd.ca/ Chile ~ 22 10 10 or 21 01 43 China ~ 852-2382-0000 or 0800-810-1117 ~ http://www.crisis.or...PublicMain.aspx Costa Rica ~ 506-253-5439 Czech Republic ~ 602-246-102 or 241-432-466 Croatia ~ (01) 4833-888 ~ http://www.plavi-telefon.hr/ Cyprus ~ +357 77 77 72 67 / Military 2345, ~ cyprussamaritans.com ~ E-mail Helpline: samscy@hotmail.com Cuba ~ 532 348 14 49 Denmark ~ 70-201-201 ~ http://www.livslinien.dk/ Egypt ~ 762-1602/3 or 762-2381 Estonia ~ 6-558-088 or 126 or 127 ~ http://www.eluliin.ee/ Fiji ~ (0679) 670565 or (0679) 302998 Finland ~ 09-731391 or 040-5032199 ~ evl.fi/kkh/to/kpk/pap.html France ~ 01-45-39-4000 or 01-46-21-4646 or (+33) (0)1-40-09-1522 ~ http://www.sos-amitie.com/ or http://www.sos-amitie.com/ Germany ~ 0800-1110-111 or 0800 1110 222~ http://www.telefonseelsorge.de/ Ghana ~ 2332-444-71279 ~ http://www.befriende....s.asp?c2=ghana Gibraltar ~ 55666 or Military 5666 to Samaritans Greece: ~ 197 or 210-649-7706 or Queen Sophias 135 or 801 801 99 99 ~ http://www.klimaka.o...wsite/index.htm Guatemala ~ 502-254-1259 Holland ~ 0900-0767 Honduras ~ 504-237-3623 Hong Kong ~ +852 23820000 ~ sps.org.hk Hungary ~ (62)-420-111 or (46) 323 888 ~ http://www.pharereg.hu/ Indonesia - 500-454 India ~ 91-22-307-3451 or +91 (0) 44 2464 0050 ~ http://www.snehaindia.org/ Ireland ~ 1850 60 90 90 (ROI local rate) or +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate) ~ http://www.1201.org.il/ Israel ~ 1201 or Tel from abroad: 972-9-8891333 ~ http://www.1201.org.il/ Israel ~ 972-9-8891333 ~ 1201.org.il/ Italy ~ 800 86 00 22 or 199 284 284 ~ samaritans-onlus.it ~ telefonoamico.it also German Language part of Italy (South Tyrol) 840-000-481 Jamaica ~ 977-5754 or 1 888 991 4505 Japan ~ 3-5286-9090 ~http://www.telljp.com/ Liberia ~ 653-4308 ~ http://www.befriende....asp?c2=liberia Liechtenstein ~ 147 Lithuania ~ 8-800-2-8888 ~ http://www.jppc.lt/ Luxembourg ~ 45-45-45 (German) Malaysia ~ 03-756-8144 or (06) 284 2500 ~ http://www.befpen.org/ Malta ~ 179 ~ appogg.gov.mt/supportline179.asp Mauritius ~ 46-48-889 / 800-93-93 ~ http://www.befriende....p?c2=mauritius Mexico ~ (573) 581-1878 Namibia ~ (09264) 61 23 2221 ~ lifeline.org.za/namibia.htm Netherlands ~ 0602 222 88 or 0900-0767 ~ http://www.sostelefo...ehulpdienst.nl/ New Zealand ~ 4-473-9739 or 0602 222 88 Nicaragua ~ 505-268-6171 Norway ~ +47 815 33 300 ~ kirkens-sos.no Paraquay ~ 021 663 187 or 0991 268 384 ~ http://www.apps.org....ontactenos.html Philippines ~ (02) 8969191 or Mobile phone: 0917 854 9191 Poland ~ 52-70-000 or 52 70 988 ~ http://www.telefonzaufania.org.pl/ Portugal ~ 239-72-10-10 or 112 ~ http://www.telefone-.../site/suicidio/ Republic of Ireland ~ 1850-60-90-90 or see Ireland Russia ~ 8-20-222-82-10 or (8202) 577-577 Samoa ~ 32000 ~ http://www.befriende....s.asp?c2=Samoa Scotland ~ +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 or 08454 24 24 24 ~ http://www.samaritan....one_calls.aspx Shanghai ~ 021 6279 8990 ~ http://www.lifelineshanghai.com/ Singapore ~ 1800- 221 4444 ~ samaritans.org.sg/ South Africa ~ 0861-322-322 or 051 444 5000 or 0861 322 322 ~ http://minotaur.marq...ers-sa/main.htm South Korea ~ 2-715/6/7/8-8600 or (local)-9191 or (82) 51 804 0896 ~ http://www.counsel24.com/ Spain ~ 91-459-00-50 ~ http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org/ Sri Lanka ~ 1-692-909 ~ http://www.srilankasumithrayo.org/ St. Vincent ~ 809-456-1044 or (784) 456 1044 Sudan ~ (249) 11-555-253 Sweden ~ 020 22 00 60 or 031-711-2400 ~ www.143.ch/web/ Switzerland ~ 143 or +41 (0) 27 321 21 21 ~ www.143.ch/web/ Taiwan ~ (037) 332565 or 332621 ~ http://www.hotline.o.../bin/home.phtml Thailand ~ 02-249-9977 or (02) 713-6793 Tonga ~ 23000 or 25144 Trinidad & Tobago ~ 868-645-2800 Turkey ~ 182 Ukraine ~ 0487 327715 or 0482 226565 ~ dovira058.netfirms.com United Kingdom ~ 8457 90 90 90 or 8457 90 91 92 ~ http://www.samaritans.org/ United States ~ 911 ~ 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433 ~ http://suicide.org/ ~ http://suicide.com/s...decrisiscenter/ ~ http://suicide.org/s...e-hotlines.html Misc. ~ En Español ~ 1-800-784-2432 ( 1-800-SUI-CIDA ) ~ Veterans ~ 1-877-838-2838 ( 1-877-VET-2VET ) ~ Youth ~ 1-877- 968-4843 ( 1-877-YOUTHGUIDE ) Uruguay ~ 095 73 8483 ~ http://www.ultimorecurso.com.uy/ Yugoslavia ~ 021-623-393 Zimbabwe ~ (9) 650 00 or 080 12 333 333 or (20) 635 59 ~ http://www.befriende....sp?c2=zimbabwe
  10. Hello JohnD212. It's good to see you here. I imagine being unemployed is the most stressful life event or at least in the top four. I have been in my job over 19 years but am now facing a layoff. Something I never thought would happen to me. Unfortunately I live in the US and believe me when I tell you there are no jobs! In my state the unemployment rate is right at 8%. For black or hispanic it goes as high as 22%. I am afraid if layed off I will never find another job to pay my bills. Sure there are store clerk or fast food jobs available but those aren't going to make the house payment. Are you sending out resumes each day? Perhaps looking online for state or federal jobs (do you live in the states?)? I agree that volunteering would be an awesome way to get you out of the house, make you feel useful and get you networking with people who may have something to offer you. If not a job then perhaps some job leads. Structure is important to happiness. I am glad you've got your sleep schedule back on track. That is hugely important. Getting your days and nights mixed up is sometimes hard to fix. You seem to have done well there. I really like the way you take a doctor's advice and use it. Perhaps its time for you to see a psychiatrist. You can go to your nearest social services department. They sometimes offer free or reduced fee services. If not, they can point you in the right direction. Some even help with medications. I've never experienced your symptoms. How unusual! When I am anxious it affects my stomach, neck and shoulder muscles, grinding me teeth to the point of pain and my sleep schedule. I take Ativan three times daily or as needed. I find it really helps me get past the most stressful parts of my day. I am hoping you can get some help soon. Take care and I hope to see your around the Forum. There is someone out there who is suffering the same symptoms as you. Sea
  11. Hello Furrydream. What a fun name you've made yourself! It actually sounds very comforting to me. I'm sorry you've been depressed for so long. Especially for someone your age it's very hard with all the stressors of school, extracuricular activities, etc. Most schools have a Guidance Counselor. Because you are 18 anything you talk about would be confidential. If she felt you needed extra help she might be able to refer you to a free or reduced fee clinic. I don't know much about you so don't know if you've tried any medications but it might be helpful to you. Depression is a medical illness and needs to be treated by a doctor whenever possible. It's generally not something you can just snap out of. You need some real help. Come look around the Forum and read some of the stories. You might find something helpful. You may also be able to help someone else. Hope to see you out and about, Sea
  12. Hello justjanice and welcome to the Forums. You will find we are a caring bunch and there is so much information swirling out there on the boards. Many people who feel just as you do. I understand your fear of being hospitalized. I have had to go in twice. Once when my depression showed psychotic features and once when I threatened suicide. To be honest I never would have committed the act but was so desparate for someone to hear me I used that. Terrible I know. But you know they can't commit you unless you are a danger to yourself or others. There are so many new medications out there and new ones coming out each week. I am on Lomictal, Latuda, Prozac, and Ativan. That combination took me a few years to find and it works well for me. It doesn't keep the depression completely away and I still cycle through some bad ones but I have never been so stable for so long. I have actually managed to save three weeks of vacation and just over one week of sick leave. A miracle for me as my depression had me calling out at least once a week if not for several days. Amazing I didn't get fired! I am glad you have so many supports. I understand your reticence about confiding your depression to them. You never know how people are going to react. I do think though it's good to have at least one friend who can understand what you're going through and listen to you. Do you think you might have a friend like that? That's why therapy is good too. I do one on one therapy with a kind lady. There really is no goal for me, nothing to obtain in my therapy. Just someone I can talk to about things happening in my life. You can always talk to us of course. You will make many friends here and perhaps even chat with them. I hope to see more from you on the boards. Take care now, Sea
  13. Oh I forgot to mention my phobia about anyone using my phone at work so I remove the handset and also anyone using my pen. If I lose my pen before it is completely empty of ink I will go nuts until I find it. Also I have a fear of losing my mail opener. I just get very secure with the things I have and fear above all else any kind of change.
  14. OMG I have so many phobias its just ridiculous. I have a fear of wet paper towels. I have a fear of bad odors entering my body through my nose or mouth. I have a fear of revolving doors. I have a fear of being seen outside (thank goodness for a large privacy fence around my backyard) to the point that getting the mail is difficult. I have a fear of being incorrectly dressed (I can't imagine what that's called). The list just goes on and on. I live my whole life trying to avoid these fears. I have a fear of anyone seeing me leave the restroom before 8:00 in the morning and have special words I must say to make it safe (that is probably my OCD taking hold there). Anyway, I'm functioning. I just make arrangements to avoid those things I am afraid of.
  15. For me, my depression comes and goes in increments. Sometimes barely noticable. I just look up one day and realize I have fallen down the hole again. Feeling better is an even slower process for me. I'll sleep better for a night or two. Be able to do the dishes. Last night I spent about twenty minutes outside which showed me perhaps I was coming out of the darkness. I would love to have it lift like yours did. That sudden clarity would be so refreshing! I'll be interested to hear how you're doing.
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