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lukeskyflyer

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  1. I'm a 31 year old male who has struggled off and on with depression and anxiety. 2020 was actually not that bad for me but towards the end of the year I got dumped by someone I was seeing who I really liked and it hurt a lot and kind of did me in for a while. In early 2021 the same thing happened with a different woman. This hurt quite a bit too but not as much as the first time. I am currently seeing someone else, and from what I can tell she really likes me, but I am also so jaded in regards to dating that I feel like I have no real way to tell. I know you can't expect commitment from someone after just 2 months but I feel terrified to broach the topic of making things official for fear of getting hurt. We connect really well on many levels, but I'm really afraid of getting closer to her. When I share emotions with someone it makes me feel connected to them and if that connection is broken it hurts a lot. I also feel inadequate professionally. I am 31, I have a college degree, yet I only make in the 30,000-40,000 a year range. I have been applying to jobs but obviously the well paying ones require experience I don't have. I feel like I have so much potential that is being wasted and I don't know how to put that to use. There's a part of me that just feels dumb and lazy. I have actually improved a lot in my self esteem over the last year, but I am experiencing a low point that I think is the result of feeling close to someone but dealing with the prospect of getting hurt again. From past experiences, it seems like a bad idea to share this with the person I am dating because it puts a lot of pressure on them and causes them to lose attraction. However, it is hard to fake confidence after a certain amount of time. I am also dealing with some circumstances where I believe I am being treated unfairly. I have essentially cut one person out of my life who I feel was toxic, and I may have to cut out another. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but this person will act like he's my best friend for a while but then I might do something that in his view is the result of a character flaw, and he will make me feel like I'm dumb, lazy, selfish, etc. From what I have read this seems like gaslighting, but then again maybe I am too sensitive. I was working out at his house the other day and had to leave after he berated me for asking what to him was a dumb question. I can't have a grown man my age speaking to me like a child. Maybe I wasn't fully present but I had already had a bad day and as I drove home I just felt awful. I'd hate to cut this person out too because we do so many activities together but I can't help but wonder if these negative interactions, however sporadic they may be, are chipping away at my self confidence and overall contributing to my feelings of inadequacy. I want to show up in the world. I want to have a successful career, relationship, and perhaps a family; but I feel inadequate. I am doing things that I feel are propelling me in the right direction but the last couple days I have been walking around feeling sick with worry and depression at the prospect of being rejected again and overall feeling like a failure. I like this person I am seeing and it seems dumb to end something just because I'm afraid it might not work out, but I really need to keep my sanity. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with mental health issues, but I am really starting to feel alone in the world. TL;DR - I feel inadequate in life due to perceived shortcomings, rejections, and character flaws; and I am scared of getting hurt repeatedly.
  2. Thanks for the replies. I feel like the relationship ending was my fault. I tried to contact her and she blocked me. Then I tried to send her a Facebook message, after which she blocked me on there too. I feel like that’s some sort of closure, I guess? But now I’m paranoid. My anxiety is kicking in. I’m afraid she’s going to call the police or file a restraining order for repeated contact. My lawyer friend assured me that wouldn’t happen, but I’m still so anxious. I should’ve let it go, and maybe we couldn’t remained friends. I may have been okay with that. I never threatened her or called her names, but I was very direct about how I felt. I feel like this woman (and really all women) has had so much power over my life and emotions. If I didn’t feel the need for a romantic relationship I’d stay away from them completely, but I’m lonely. Btw I’ve already started messaging other women online, but I honestly don’t know if that’s a good idea. I guess it’s good to know there may be options, but that really doesn’t take away the pain.
  3. Sometimes I feel like the only one. I know I’m not, but it feels like it. Really sucks when you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to give a crap - even when they may be dealing with many of the same issues.
  4. This is probably going to be a long post. I am a single male who has recently turned thirty who is going through a crisis of sorts. I've posted about this before but I'm feeling bad once again so I need to vent. I did not have my first real "girlfriend" until about 4 months ago. The relationship was great at first (save some red flags I blissfully ignored), but it quickly deteriorated and she dumped me... on the day before I turned 30. This hit me really hard. I'm still not over it. The day after I got dumped I started messaging someone else I met online. We never met up, but we texted a lot and she really helped me get through the breakup. She had recently gotten out of a relationship too and was kind of going through the same thing. Eventually I asked her if she wanted to meet up and she said "sure". She went on vacation and we were going to meet up after she got back. When she got back I texted her and she said she didn't "think either of us was in a good place to meet up". I was really upset, but I pretended like nothing happened and kept texting, and she kept texting back. A couple weeks later she texted me and said she was "going to try and go on a date with someone, could backfire". I was floored. I didn't know what to say so I just wished her well. The next day I texted her and asked her how it went, and she said it went well. I later texted her and told her that I thought it was really crappy that I met her on a dating site and after having gone back on her offer to meet up is now telling me about other guys she is dating. I told her I didn't go online looking for a platonic relationship and that she should not have led me on. She got defensive, telling me how I wasn't over my ex, but somehow she was magically over hers. We argued back and forth, and she blamed me for getting bitter at her, but I think that relationship is done. I feel like my ex treated me much the same way. She would lead me on and talk about doing certain things but when I would call her out on something she would get defensive. Eventually she broke up with me because we couldn't get along. Here comes the fun part. I've dealt with depression my whole life. The only reason I was able to get a girlfriend was I had gotten to a place where I actually felt pretty good about myself. Now, having been rejected, and I feel, mislead, twice, I'm at the lowest point I've ever been. I no longer smoke cigarettes. but I'm extremely addicted to e-cigs, and I am going through those so fast its blowing so much money. I'm also on three different antidepressants and am seeing a therapist. It seems like none of this is helping. I literally feel miserable 90 percent of the time. The other 10 percent is not great, because I know I'm going to feel miserable again soon. The cloud that is looming over my head is unreal. Almost nothing will help me escape the mental hell that I am feeling. I feel completely worthless. I'm 6'1", have been told I'm attractive, but feel like I'm an absolute ogre when I look at myself in the mirror. Additionally I feel really insecure about my career and feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I work a data entry job, and while that is mostly low stress, I don't make a ton of money and I feel like I'm wasting my talents. I only have a Bachelors degree, but I have a major in business, and minors in information systems and Spanish. I feel like I learned almost nothing in college, and career wise I have nothing to show for it. This all feeds my insecurity. I feel like women take one look at me and they see that I'm a failure. I also feel incredibly socially awkward, and while I can make small talk with people I'm not trying to impress, if its a potential love interest or someone of high status that may be able to get me a job, I feel like a bumbling idiot. I feel like people can almost sense desperation in me, and maybe even a hint of creepiness. The only debt I have is my house. Its an inexpensive house, but my parents loaned me the money and I am paying them back. I love that I am a homeowner but I don't feel that I have earned it. I feel like they feel guilty that I turned out the way I did and are doing everything they can to help me out. Because of this, I feel like a leech. Probably if I had no help I'd be more motivated because if I was starving, well, that's a hell of a motivator. I've talked to my mom about some of these concerns and she assures me that none of the negative things I think about myself are true, but of course she's my mom, she has to say that. I've tried delving into self help and religion in order to attempt to help myself. I go to church and try to pray and occasionally read scripture. I also have listened to The Secret several times on audio book, and have really tried to utilize the power of positive thinking. The problem is at a certain point I can't muster the strength to think positive anymore and I think I've just been deluding myself all the times I actually do feel good about myself. Its gotten so bad lately that I've had thoughts of suicide. I don't think I would ever act out, but my therapist was concerned that if we don't meet more I may end up putting myself in the hospital. Sometimes I wonder if therapy and antidepressants are actually helping and think that all the money is just going down the drain. I feel incredibly alone. I have a dog, and that helps, but I need human companionship. When I get dumped or rejected, the pain is unreal and I end up acting like a complete asshole, sealing the entire deal for certain. I've also developed an incredibly negative attitude towards women which I am not proud of. I want to get married. Maybe one day have kids, who knows. But the depression, the insecurity, the anxiety... its unreal. I honestly feel like my brain is constantly telling my body it needs to die... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. If I could snap out of it, get a better career, develop a healthy relationship with someone, maybe things would get better. But right now, I feel helpless. I feel like no one can help me, and I have no idea what to do in order to move myself forward and get out of this terrible rut (or canyon) that I'm stuck in.
  5. Thanks for the replies! I am trying to work up the courage to start applying again. It sucks trying to hide your depression from others and I really have a fear that people will think I am a worthless bum. Plus I know employers don't like to see gaps on your résumé... Knowing it will be that much more difficult makes it harder. Gonna try going to the doctor sometime in the near future and see if that helps. It's a bummer because I went to college and got good grades and this is not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Hopefully this will pass soon enough and I can feel somewhat normal again.
  6. I think I may have had a nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago. I had started a new job and realized I hated it. On the night after the third day I began to start freaking out about it and broke down crying, it was then I realized I should probably get out of it before they invested anymore time in me. I couldn't sleep that night and was completely restless. I even called a suicide hotline, not because I was serious about harming myself but because I needed someone to talk to at 2 in the morning. The lady on the phone was actually very helpful and understanding of my situation. The next morning I was in an even higher state of panic, as I did not know how I was going to go in and have the conversation with my boss. Would they talk me into staying? How would they react? I ended up emailing my boss first thing and telling him I was quitting. I felt pretty awful about doing it that way but did not feel like I was in the state of mind to even drive my car, much less go in there. I ended up talking on the phone with him a couple hours later and he even mentioned the possibility of other positions at the company but I told him I already had my mind made up. The rest of that day I was pretty much in a state of shock about what happened. I'm not saying I should have stayed but I now found myself unemployed, in a worse state than I was at my old job which I really didnt like either. I ended up skipping town and spent about 4 days with some buddies in another city to take my mind off of things, which helped quite a but. I'm at a point now where I am ready to start looking for other jobs but I have been dealing with some of the worse depression I have ever felt, at least off a while. I'm anxious prospective employers will question my current unemployment and I'm not sure what to tell them. I already have really bad anxiety especially when it comes to interviews. On top of that I want to make sure my next job isn't something that is a terrible fit. I have enough money to last me for a few months but I don't want to wind up laying around the house depressed all day and then have to move back in with my parents. I have aspirations of going to South America to teach English at the beginning of next year and would need my savings to supplement any income I make there. (They don't pay a lot to teach English there). I may be rambling at this point but what I am trying to say is I'm extremely depressed about my job situation and probably a lot of other things, and am just trying to get those feelings out there. Im also wondering if I made the right decisions but at this point I can't change the past. The worse thing is when people ask you how your job is going and having to tell them you don't have one. It almost makes me want to withdraw from society altogether. If anyone has ever dealt with anything similar I would be greatful to hear it.
  7. Thanks for the feedback. I was dealing with a serious case of the Sunday night blues last night... Today wasn't great but it wasn't terrible either. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook but it is very easy for me to be negative. Customer service jobs in general I think are some of the most stressful jobs out there. People are unpredictable and you don't know who you'll be dealing with next. There are a lot of jerks out there and a lot of people who will treat you like a doormat. I guess you just get through it one day at a time... As far as the dressing nice thing.. I usually wear a shirt and tie on the teller line. I guess I could start dressing like that when I'm out with friends.... don't want to come across as dorky though.
  8. I've probably posted about this before but I need to vent... I feel like a complete loser. I went to college for 4 years and got relatively good grades and now I'm working as a bank teller, a job you don't need a college degree for... Sometimes its alright, but most times I hate it. I'm not an extrovert, and I'm not good at sales, which is a huge part of the job. Moreover, I feel like I should be working a more prestigious job since I went to college but I hate interviews and am afraid that any job I went after I would hate just as much or more. This will sound stupid and probably even sexist, but I feel that a bank teller job is a woman's job and I don't feel very manly in that position. Sorry if that is offensive but it is something that really bugs me. I want to quit but I know that looks bad... the pay is not great but it is more than minimum wage and I get decent vacation time. Those literally the only things keeping me there. I get next to no fulfillment out of it, fill like I am terrible at the job, and constantly am worried I will end of getting fired. On the odd occasion I do get a complement I shrug it off and forget about it, but if a customer, coworker or boss snaps at me I let it eat away at me for days, and even if someone wasn't trying to be mean I take it that way. The other thing that is sucking away at my confidence and happiness is the fact that I am single and I can't seem to do anything about it. I've been single my whole life... never had a girlfriend or anything close... never been kissed by a girl, never even held a girls hand. I went to a small college that was 60 percent female and thought surely I would find someone there. Well I found plenty of girls I liked but none of them wanted anything to do with me besides be friends. You could tell they were disgusted about the possibility of anything more than friendship with me. The fact that I am still single and out of college with a job I hate makes life very difficult to deal with. I know there are people who have it a lot worse than me but making comparisons like that doesn't seem to help much. While I dealt with depression and some definite lows in college there were many highs to make up for it. Right now it seems that my highs are that high at all and my lows are lower. I live in perpetual anxiety, sadness, and discontent. I have tried online dating but no girl on there really seems interested. I had two dates with a girl I met there but it was clear we weren't a match and we haven't talked since the second date. I send out what I think are nice, respectful messages to girls I am interested in and they almost never reply. I can tell that they have viewed my profile, so I always assume they think I'm ugly and/or not very interesting. Maybe I'm too shallow and need to go after girls I don't find attractive, but doing that wouldn't really be fair to them or myself because I would not be any happier than I was if I was single. I need to make a huge change in my life but truth be told I don't have the courage to because I am so fearful of things getting worse. I have tried counseling but it seems to only work for the short term. I just hate feeling depressed and feeling like a loser all the time. Plus the anxiety I am feeling is unbearable. If anyone has any advice that I haven't thought of yet I would love to hear it. I really appreciate anyone's help.
  9. Wow. Thank for the replys! Today actually went pretty good considering it was a busy Monday and I have a cold as well. God was watching out for me. I always get majorly depressed on Sunday nights before a long week of work... I'm guessing that's probably normal. Anyway, while I am not jumping up and down with joy about anything, I feel better now... not to say I won't feel the same way next week. Being nice to customers because you want to and not because you have to also helps. You can literally make someone's day. I guess I need to start looking at it in that light. Still will be a challenge but nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation.
  10. I started a job as a bank teller a few months ago after graduating from college. I knew it wasn't going to be my dream job but there are times when I don't think I can handle it. I have to deal with customers all day long and I am definitely more of an introvert. Every time a customer walks in the door I get anxious and secretly hope they don't come to my window. Counting money is not hard, but it is a nightmare having to do it in front of impatient people who are staring at you while you do it. Most people are relatively nice, but for the most part I only really enjoy interacting with about 10 percent of the customers. I feel like I am their slave and I absolutely hate it. I have a much lower opinion of the general population than I did before I started this job. I want to quit but there are certain things about the job, like paid vacation, that I don't want to give up. I am starting to have even more of a negative outlook on life and I don't know what to do. I know if I did quit I would just sit on my butt all day and feel like a bum. Plus I need the money. I'm not super coherent right now because I have the "Sunday evening blues" and don't have the energy to go into detail about everything. I know it could be a lot worse but the point is that I don't think I would have an easy time finding another job, at least one that was better than this one. I really wish I could mouth back to someone if they are rude to me but that would probably get me fired, (although that may be a Godsend). Anyone have any advice? Life was meant to enjoy and I certainly am not enjoying it right now.
  11. I'm about to go off my rocker completely. Its been a while since I logged into this site but I'm here again because I'm dealing with some more issues. I was already having a crummy day, and then I about had a mini panic attack because I couldn't figure out my password for this site... and my headphones broke haha. Yeah that means I'm not normal I guess. Speaking of not normal, I feel like a big giant *****. I feel like there is not one thing that I am good at, and anything that I am good at is of no interest to anyone. I work as a bank teller and I have less than stellar people skills. Those have gotten better, but since the first two months I have started working there I have had troubles keeping up to speed on transactions. Most people never really say anything, but I can tell they are thinking it. Today one of my managers said she noticed I was slow on one particular transaction. Well, its basically because I'm clumsy and am not good at my job, or at least thats what I tell myself. I don't even like my job that much but If I'm going to do it I wanna be good at it. If I sound like a mess now its because I am. I may be fine tomorrow but right now I feel like s***. A few minutes ago I was doing what I normally do when I feel crummy, obsessing about the fact that I've never had a girlfriend and the prospects seem increasingly hopeless. I know I need to be myself and do more things I enjoy but I feel like I'm constantly a nervous wreck. If someone coughes or sneezes it makes me jump, I guess maybe that means I'm paranoid too. My friends jokingly tease me about different things and I know they don't mean it personally but thats how I take it. I just feel like crap right now and needed to vent. I'm normally much better at expressing my thoughts but not when i'm having an anxiety/depression attack.
  12. I haven't posted on here for a while but I'm struggling some right now. Its seems that I don't really have anything to look forward to. I recently started a job, working as a bank teller, and even though its an entry level job its a good job. However, I have only been running a drawer for about 2 weeks, and while I am getting better, I hate the fact that I am slow and am in constant need of help when I don't know how to do something. Even though I don't see myself as doing terrible, I am find myself constantly worrying about it when I am not at work. Its like I can't even enjoy my time off because I'm always stressed about my job. Also, I am still dealing with a great deal of loneliness and post college graduation depression. I am starting to go to counseling, but because of my work schedule it is hard to even find a time to set an appointment up. I don't want to tell my boss I am going to counseling. This is kind of frustrating because it seems like my job is getting in the way of me improving my mental health in a way. I know I have a lot to be thankful for but since I can't go to counseling for a couple weeks I thought I'd come on here to rant. There is literally no one else to talk to at the moment. I have tomorrow off but am dreading it because I know I will spend it dreading about having to go to work the next day. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's something I'm always having to deal with. I wish I were still in college where I would at least be around friends and more people my own age. I'm lonely and interacting with impatient customers is not something that cures my loneliness. I've tried online dating but have gotten almost no replies. I'm just FRUSTRATED with life right now and needed somewhere to vent.
  13. My problem is it seems like I may have tried too hard... and failed. That's the problem, I feel like a failure. I feel like I had a good 4 years at college to meet someone, where there were plenty of beautiful women mind you, and I failed. After each year it was always, "well, maybe I'll find someone next year". Lets just say that my goal at 23 years old was to no longer be single. Yet here I am still single, with hopeless crushes that will never work out. I know lots of people go through this sort of thing, but I'm here to tell you its no fun. I always tell myself, "well at least I don't have any regrets, or baggage". Well, to tell you the truth I think that would be better if I did have regrets, as in dated the wrong person and broke up with them. At least I know I was someone who was worthy of someone else's love, romantically speaking of course. At least I would know that at least someone has wanted me, even if it was in the past and for the wrong reasons. Maybe this goes deeper than having a girlfriend, but I've always felt ignored, inadequate, been made fun of for being awkward or not wearing the latest fashions, etc. I know that human validation is not necessarily, but I feel like for some reason I am being punished for being inadequate, I'm not "allowed" to have a girlfriend because I'm "not mature, not ready, haven't found myself, want one too bad or for the wrong reasons", the list goes on... I'm absolutely sick and tired of seeing someone on facebook get engaged or married every other day. How can I be happy for them when I am in such misery... Well I'm gonna shut up now because I've complained on here more than I wanted to tonight. God Bless
  14. I completely understand I need to protect myself, also I know about being taken advantage of. That's something I don't think she would do, but I could be wrong. She's nice to me, but its clearly only friendship. I just wish I could make the feelings go away, and do so without trying to completely avoid her forever. Its encouraging to know others experience the same thing. I also know that I don't "need" her, or anyone else romantically for that matter. I could be a fully functioning member of society and never marry or even date anyone. I just feel like romantic love is central to the human experience and I am missing out on that key part of life. I, like IVAX, could write volumes on the subject, and maybe someday I will if I figure out how to conquer this thing. Its obviously not exclusively her I'm so obsessed with, I have had the same types of crushes for other girls as well, this one has just been more enduring. Do you guys really believe the whole idea that the right person will come around at a time when you don't really want a relationship or aren't looking for one? I don't think I could every truthfully say that I have not wanted a relationship, and I don't think I ever won't want one. If that's the case I'll always be single. I've even gotten mixed up with name it and claim it, too good to be true new age type stuff such as "The Secret", which basically means if you want something all you have to do is believe it will come to you and you'll get it. Well, obviously that hasn't worked, plus it kind of goes against what I believe. Not saying there's anything wrong with it completely, but its not for me and clearly seems way too good to be true. I've also read a lot of stuff online about dating and even ordered a book on "becoming a pick-up artist". Needless to say even if the advice there is good I've not been able to successfully apply it to my dating life. I realize I'm basically writing a book here, but this is pretty much me taking the thoughts from my random stream of consciousness and typing them out. If you've actually had the patience to read this far you're awesome and I thank you very much!
  15. Hey guys I really appreciate it. I feel like guys who hopelessly fall for girls get the shaft over and over again. I've been told by many people that they think I would treat a girl right, and I know I would, but for some reason I guess other guys out there are just that much better than me. I know I have very high standards which may not have helped, but I refuse to settle, at least at this point in my life. Maybe later on down the road if I'm pushing my mid thirties and haven't found someone I'll settle, or maybe I'll just learn to live alone and life and get some cats and dogs to keep me company. It just helps to be able to express my feelings on here, I've tried writing a journal which kind of helps but its nice to know that someone is actually reading it. I realize I'm not alone, but when I think about a girl, this one in particular, I feel very alone. Even when I'm with her I sometimes wonder if she is annoyed at the fact that I am there. I just realize she could appreciate my feelings for her. Maybe she does, but she doesn't know how to express that appreciation because she feels it would be inappropriate since she has a boyfriend. I might add that I actually have met her boyfriend several times and I actually like the guy. This makes it worse because I don't really want to wish a breakup upon her and her boyfriend, it just feels wrong every time I feel that way. But what can I say, he got to her before I did. I believe he started dating her officially like maybe not even a month before I met her. This is so frustrating. If I would have met her just a little bit sooner I might have had just the slightest chance. The longing that I have in my heart is so deep, and having it unfulfilled just takes my depression and multiplies it times 1000. I was lying in bed last night feeling extremely sad, and my foot started hurting and I actually welcomed it, because it took my mind of the depression a little. There are times when I want to burst out crying and not stop, but I really have a hard time making myself cry and also don't want anyone else to see me. Maybe I just long to find love, and maybe it doesn't have to be her but I just focus most of my feelings towards her. I've tried to find fulfillment in my relationship with God, and that really helps and gives me hope, but in praying and reading the bible I am unable to duplicate the same types of feelings I get hanging out with a girl. I know this is a completely different type of love altogether, but I wish it could blot out my feelings of longing for romantic love. I actually think it is good in a sense because it has brought me closer to my faith. Please don't tell me I should give up religion because I strongly believe in God, if you don't that's fine, I believe in mutual respect and tolerance when it comes to difference of opinion on religion. Anyway I'll stop rambling haha. I tend to do that a lot.
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