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Butterfly33

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About Butterfly33

  • Birthday 03/30/1973

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Colorado, USA
  • Interests
    Hi! I'm Melissa. I am lucky to live in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains and while born in Michigan, Colorado is my home! I am a Claims Consultant for a well known commercial org, and while the work ain't glam, nor is it what I believe I was born to do, (Teach! Drive truck! Social Work!), I *am* grateful for the opportunities it avails me to help others when they need it.

    I have been depressed for roughly the last 4 years, culminating in an almost eternal "long goodnight" and a stint in county detox. I do not plan on returning to either that place or that state of mind. I have tried many AD's to include (but not limited to!) Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Cymbalta, Ambien, Abilify, Xanax, Norytriptiline, and Temazapam. I am seeing a therapist and the therapy of choice (necessity?) is Dialectical Behavorial Therapy.

    MDD
    Mirtazapine: 15mgs (as of 7/23/12)
    Venlafaxine: 150mgs (as of 8/7/12)
    Propranolol (for familial tremor): 60mgs

    I hope to learn a lot and help a lot while I am here in DF. I also hope to BE helped, though it's hard to accept and harder still to even ask for.

    I wrestle with identifying my own value. The value of my life and what I do and who I am. Am I good enough? Smart enough. Desireable enough. Just ... enough. What if everyone finds out I am a fraud and am really NOT the person they think I am? These questions take me places that are very hard to return from. :( Sometimes, I use my "wise mind" and with clarity of vision I know my value. Yet my "wise mind" often has its eyes shut and I really am trying so hard to open them and keep them open.

    There are days when I think I can conquer the world, there are days when I am convinced I am the conquered. I aim to find a nice middle ground. That would be acceptable. I just want to have a good balance of thoughts.

    I love humanity, kindness, music, helping, reading, hummingbirds, cooking, animals, being silly, reading, macaroni and cheese, not feeling like s**t, high heels, Pema Chodron, drag racing, daisies, volunteering, grey skies, tattoos, solitude, my mom, learning & loving, the great outdoors, inclement weather, music (see below!), and, did I say reading????? :)

    With hope and warmth,
    Melissa

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  1. Hi TA! The therapy session went well as always. I am lucky as my therapist is awesome and at the same time doesn't let me get away with badgering myself. Very helpful. Well, i do believe what I was experiencing that last post was pretty euphoric and not the end-all be-all. It was silly to think that in the 1st place, but it felt great and I wanted that to be the norm. I haven't come here as i have felt pretty poorly over the last few days. I feel better now. I am sluggish once again, as i was on the Remeron alone before thje addition of the Venlafaxine. My outlook is nt quite as sunny as it was the first few days of the "combo", but I think I can state confidently that my outlook is not as negative as it was before the combo either. So that's hopeful. I am toying with the idea of requesting a dosage increase from 150mg's to 225. But part of me says I should just be patient until the 30 day mark, which will be in 3 weeks. Thanks for being here, TA. How are YOU feeling? Warmest, Melissa
  2. Aankh Uthi Mohabbat Ne Angrai Lee By Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. Repeat.
  3. I have put the Janis Joplin bio aside and began "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. It is very compelling so far.
  4. Hi Ska! I've been on Remeron for almost 3 weeks now and I was basically a zombie for the first week. It felt as though had I not had to work mon-fri I could have easily slept 14 hours a day! I am now on Venlafaxine with the Remeron, and I take my Remeron right around 7:30 pm, and usually about 8:30-9:00 I feel absolutely ready for bed. In fact, I am debating bumping up the time to 8:00 or even 8:30 to take it as I am almost too tired to enjoy the tail end of my evenings if I take the Remeron too early. I am on 15mg's of Remeron and I sleep very well, so at 7.5 I would think you would sleep very, very well! Warmest, Melissa
  5. 1xsarah, Good for you! We are all SO glad you joined DF and I am so happy you want to give feeling good and living the amazing life you have before you a shot! I have a step-daughter your age and I know if she came to me asking for help I would be SO happy! Like Matt said above, if you could talk to your parents, (even if you fight a lot!), about how you feel and what you would like to accomplish (being happy), that is an amazing and brave first step to having the life you want and the life you deserve. You can do it Sarah! Please keep writing here and let us know how your talk with your parents goes? :::: Melissa
  6. "Whatever Gets You Through the Night" John Lennon (and Elton!) :)
  7. Good afternoon all! Popsicle, thank you for the response and I am glad to hear the combo works so well for you!!! Today is my 3rd day with the Venlaxafine, and 2 weeks and 3 days on the Mirt. Physically I still have the crazy yawns replete with the weird throat pressure, a little bit of restlessness, (i.e. stretching, waggling my feet and legs around), some afternoon grogginess, and dry mouth. None of these are super unpleasant so I feel very lucky thus far! I am SO, SO hesitant to type this down and articulate it it, but I feel good. I DO. I notice myself not being irritable and actually talking to people like the old me, I have not snapped at my lover in 3 days, I have made it to work on time, and I have not had any "What if I wasn't here? How can I live the rest of my life like this?" thoughts. I am almost making myself panic trying to ascertain WHY I feel good, and what if it's just the placebo effect, and what if it doesn't work, and maybe this happiness isn't real ... like, I feel like I could give myself a panic attack simply because this good feeling (for reasons that aren't attached to food, drugs, or other external inspirations) is so suspect. Does that make sense? At the same time I want to just ENJOY feeling good for pete sakes, I am WARY of feeling good, and I am anticipating this good feeling waning. Why do I DO that? I have my therapy session Thursday's so I will definitely advise my therapist of these feelings. And until then I will just do my best to relax into my feelings of goodness and enjoy the warm fuzzies. I just hope I can maintain! Thank you all for being here, Melissa
  8. Hi Brandon! I think this is a wonderful idea and one I am trying to institute, too. It sounds like you are making some positive changes and for me, joining DF was a big positive change! I hope you find it helps you, as well. I look forward to hearing about your journey here! Warmly, Melissa
  9. Laura, If you ever want to chat let me know. And I hope you can relax into who you are, every part of you, and not judge yourself for this part of you. Have a great day/evening! Melissa
  10. Hi TA! Dry mouth is an issue, too. Was thinking of keeping some sugar-free mints or candies with me to try to decrease that a bit. It also feels as though I become pretty sluggish right around 1pm MST each day - But that can be attributed to just about anything including the depression itself, yet it feels a little more intense the past 2 days. I plan on gritting my teeth and bearing it, as the saying goes. Especially as I am sure the "best" of the side effects are yet to come.
  11. Great post Miffy! I believe that empaths, such as yourself, and many people I know myself included, absoLUTely have the potential to assimilate other people's pain and to experience an emotional exhaustion from it. You've obviously got a very compassionate heart, Miffy, and there is a real term for caregivers/caretakers who experience a drop and it's called Compassion Fatigue. (google it maybe?) Perhaps you could find a way to either step back from other people's issues for a while, or at least try to view them more objectively and not so personally. I have always believed that having a great heart can be a blessing but can also feel like a curse at times. Just be sure to be kind to YOU, too! :::hug::: Warmly, Melissa
  12. After work today I hope to go home and be present with John without assuming I know what he is thinking or feeling. Be present, be open, and be loving, even if I feel like cr*p because of the new med. No rolling up like a tank bug because it's easier.
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