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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. This must be difficult. I also get upset every time I go into public. I have tried to research why and the only thing I can make sense is I'm very sensitive to my surroundings. People always tell me if it is just me thinking people are giving those looks and it is in our heads. Sometimes I wonder, but it does feel so real in the moment. Have you always felt this way? It is draining and lonely. I am VERY sorry you feel like you do not have the support you need. The part you said about no one wants to help a grown man on the verge of tears really got to me.... I also hate this notion that men cannot cry or be upset. Sounds so archaic. This might not mean much but I do see a lot of potential in you. Maybe because I see myself in you a bit. I hope you don't have to resort to drugs and alcohol but it isn't my place to tell you what to do. I resort to videogames and other things to escape. I wish you well Science guy!
  2. I hope things work out for you! I know how discouraging trying a whole bunch of things can leave you feeling like you are getting no where when they fail to work. But hey, you kept on trying and it takes a strong person to do that despite those setbacks. I do empathize with your story though and would give you a nice hug. Meds had the same effect on me. Miraculously I'm on a low dose of Lexapro and seems to be doing ok for me so far. I have tried dozens of meds. I'm also sorry about the situation with your parents. It seems like they can't deal with you and are kind of lashing out to and making you feel guilty because they probably feel guilty or inadequate. I hope you can find something to distract yourself from your parents. Is this a temporary living arrangement or permanent? I would be lying if I told you I had a fix. These situations are tricky. I hope your parents don't stop you from living. I wish you well! I think depression can cause a loss of appetite. Is there any foods you can digest regardless of the feeling? Good luck Outoftheloop. -Icarus
  3. It depends. Like Golden Eve, I love going to bed early because the thoughts and worries disappear when I'm sleeping. I wake up and then feel disoriented. I feel happy but know something is wrong. It takes me about a minute to remember I had a terrible night before. Sometimes when I am really bad, those worries and thoughts manifest themselves into bad dreams. I hate when they follow me when I'm sleeping!
  4. Lumessence: Thank you for the encouraging words! I'm glad my posts are relatable. I thought I did off a bit harsh but you are right. I was really in a lot of pain at that time. I do have good memories and future things I hold onto to keep me going. I graduate from college in less than a year. It gives me some type of goal to strive for. I usually slump on by, but I'm moving forward, even if it seems slower than other people. Progress: I really like your analogy. I think what you are trying to say is find my balance and go back to the center. I would love more balance in my life. Your advice is a good one. It can be extremely difficult when it's family and others you care about. Thank yoiu for the comment!
  5. Sorry guys for not responding. Didn't know the topic was still active. Idkusername465: I did complete assignment somehow. Something always pushes me to get something like that done, no matter how awful I feel. I was really proud of myself. I will respond to the rest of you later. Going to head to bed. Thanks for the comments.
  6. I have thought a lot about moving regions actually. I almost feel opposite of you. I always wanted to move to a more introverted society such as Japan or just somewhere in the U.S. where I would fit in better. Not sure if it would really work. I just don't seem to be compatible with any type of people. I don't relate to a lot of people in my area. Never really have. I definitely do not relate with my age group. I'm 24 and most people around me are 18-21 right now. Pop culture was never something I really liked. Right now, I'm just focused on finishing my degree that I probably won't use. Then I will see what is out there. I hope there is a place for me. Thank you T on C for the encouraging words. I definitely feel the curse side of it atm. It makes me feel so alone, especially in my thoughts.
  7. Dangerous, trap, hostile, draining, toxic, unfamiliar, threatening, unheard, manipulating, alien, disappointment, dishonest, hell, bad memories, nightmare, and etc. What I wish the word "people" meant to me Community, trusting, reliable, connected, good, happy, bond, rejuvenated, heard, included, family, joy, etc.... Having been through abuse, bullying, manipulation, lies, selfishness, hostility, bs, and hell and back, my views on people are negative. I have tried everything to change my view on people to no success. I still would like my views on others to change to be more positive, but I think the more I try the worse I become. It is like forcing a solid through another solid. The more you push, the more tension that builds. Anyone feel the same way?
  8. Hi Groot! Welcome! I'm really sorry you were treated so poorly by this "friend." Please know they were out of line and if they could not be an adult and talk with you about whatever was bothering them, that says a lot about their character. It hurts so much when this happens. You invest so much time and energy in someone and it is gone in a flash. I have had so many situations like this, that I personally do not trust others, but I hope you don't get that far. Each time it happened, it hurt more. Not everyone will be like your "friend." At least I hope not. I hope you will find someone who will treat you with proper respect. You don't need that toxicity in your life. I am really proud of you for being so calm and acting your age! You could have easily went to their level. I hope things work out for you. I really do. I can empathize with you very much! -Icarus
  9. This was neatly done! Well said! I usually feel terrible for not responding to a post every time. I usually just put a like just to let the person know I read it and support them. I'm not sure if I ever have the appropriate information. I am a very pessimistic and grew bitter over the years. Sometimes I feel I would make someone's situation worse and fuel the same bitterness in them that I have. Some posts have a tendency to get me emotionally fired up, especially if I relate to it.
  10. *hugs* I hope you can find a way to really like who you are. It's an awful feel to hate one's self. I have thise days as well. Take care!

  11. This is so off topic but do you happen to like the video game Life is Strange?? I love it so much!
  12. I listen to Golden Liar by Bradio or Her by Block B and any other smooth feel good KPop or indie song. For when I'm sad, it is mostly Japanese songs, instrumental, dark indie songs, and sad songs like Angels and Devils by Dishwalla, Breathe me by Sia, and Not your kind of people by Garbage. Songs that get me in an emotional outburst are Vogel Im Kafig. Favorite song in the world but extremely dangerous. I usually stick with kpop, instrumental, and Japanese music since they can be both happy and sad. Sorry for my rambling. I really love music!!! Thanks for the post!
  13. Thank you Rosey! I hope so too. I actually want to try and see if natural remedies work. I try and ask about them but I just get told "try this next pill" sigh... I know for the lethargic feeling, sunlight can help a lot and notice vitamin D can be beneficial for at least getting me moving. It doesn't solve my problems but it tends to leave me less cloudy. I don't know how it is with older people but I do find a lot of people my age fare weathered and I do not think that is fair. It is like kicking someone when they are down. We need people to be there for us on our darker days. Not to be told to suck it up. Your psychiatrist seems open minded. I like that. idkusername465: I can relate to just about everything you just said. I'm really sorry things are this rough for you. College is hard enough without depression. Try not to beat yourself up about barely managing one class. You may not receive financial aid but you can only do so much. I am struggling with my classes. I have a homework assignment I still didn't finish. I have no idea how to do it. I stared at it for 3 hours. I can cry right now. It is due tomorrow morning. Except for one, my classes are horrible this semester. I don't think you are pathetic. I apologize for assuming you had a direction. It is really hard to know what you really want out of life. It is a skill I'm still learning to harness. I feel the same way about therapist. A lot of them were really great people who have done some great good in my life but at this point, I don't think there is anything more they can do. I have talked about the same issues for over 10 years. I'm wasting their time. I'll be rooting for you! I believe you about NYC. I had that vibe too.
  14. After today, I believe I'm a full blown misanthrope. I'm not sure if ethics come into how one feels. I can't force myself to feel a certain way because it isn't ethical but I can manage my actions to be appropriate. Also, ethics vary from culture to culture. I'm not sure if there is ever a right or a wrong answer to be honest. Just do what you think is best. No one should tell you how to think or feel as long as you aren't harming someone in the process. What is it that you would like to happen with the world and its people?
  15. I did read that reply. I sent a reply to that one a few days ago and it never showed. So I made another one. I would know.
  16. These are some great observations you made. I actually agree with you on this and find myself struggling living up to these ideals. Sadly, I am not sure if I have anything to add. I just know that life places us in situations where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't seem fair eh? I would maybe try and talk to other people and see how they feel about what you said. I would really like to know the answers myself.
  17. Oh, my.... this is a question that is unique to everyone. Some days I feel like a misanthrope. I don't trust anyone anyways. I feel like it is a defense mechanism for me to protect myself. People have constantly let me down. Also most days I feel inhuman. I try to be as understanding as I can though. Sounds very contradictory. I do agree with the world being too muddled up in politics, money, power, class, and competition. I do like Fizzles point though at the end. Doing what we can to increase the good. I believe I still try to do that. I do not want to contribute the same torment I received on other people. I just try and be pleasant and help when I can. Sadly, these days I can barely help my own self. I'm sorry you feel so lost in a world that seems to foreign :/
  18. That's a great question. I have rarely ever had social support in my life so always had to be the one to pick myself up. My feelings were never validated, I wasn't listened to like I should. Lots of put downs, sarcastic remarks, and insensitive comments about my depression. I believe this is how I became so disconnected from everyone. This is a true story. I now isolate and feel much happier regardless how other people see it. I feel lonelier around people than by myself. I learned to really enjoy my own company and I don't miss having a lot of friends. That is what happened to me. I hope you never get so far down that this happens to you. It is the only way I can cope at the moment. What makes me mad is people who mask their ignorance with good intentions. These days I prefer to be left alone.
  19. I have no idea why my post to your comment never showed up idkusername465?? :\ I pretty much said that seems to be a very small sized campus but can understand the mundane feeling of seeing the same people every day. I am vastly overwhelmed by the huge number of people at my college and it is considered a medium sized campus. It is growing though at a rapid pace. Way too many people in one confined area. I then geeked out about how I am interested in what computer science is all about. I am always on the computer and enjoy messing around sometimes. I have a big love for video games and would be interesting to be able to program games. I also was in graphic design and would like to learn how to to code in html a lot better. Only ever used Dreamweaver. It was a while ago so I forget a lot of it. It is good you have a direction to go in. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I been out of high school for 5 and a half years though so I am very worn out by academics. I'm sorry your are dealing with depression in college. I think it is one of the most challenging areas to have depression. For me anyways, I always have to prove myself, put on a mask, and look competent. Over the years my ambitions have died and I just don't have the passion I used to. I just believe college isn't for me. I don't know much anymore. Also there is added on stress from academic and social pressures. Is there a counselor at your school you can go see? Or any faculty that you trust to go talk to? I use a lot of those options as well as the disabilities office. It's still a big struggle though. Friends can be hard to come by but acquaintances are so easy to make. I wish I had more genuine friends as well. It is hard to find much past acquaintances. Unless you join a club or work, the chances increase but still can be hard or make you feel more alone. I'm guessing you go to a community college. With your size, I can imagine making friends would be harder. Don't even get me started on grades. I am one to usually do well in school. Not this semester. I think in both our cases the depression makes it harder for us to maintain healthy grades. Correct me if I am off at all. I hate to assume things. I have heard that computer science is not easy. Do you ever have days of weeks where you feel incompetent and feel like you don't belong? I do all the time. I feel embarrassed. How were your grades before depression hit? Were they better in High School? College is so different and I find it to be challenging a lot of the times. I wonder if your school has anyone who could assist you with both mental health and academics like I have at mine. I'm not sure. And lastly, you live 3 hours away from me. I live in rural central PA. I always wondered what it would be like to grow up in NYC. I know on TV it is always glamorized and such or the complete opposite. Never in between. I only ever visited 2 times. I always wanted to live in the city or urban areas but now I'm not so sure since I'm heavily sensitive to crowds and have major panic with a lot of noise and overstimulation.
  20. Wow, this is a very powerful topic. I can feel how scary that is. To be honest, I can identify with a lot you wrote here. Have you always felt like this? And is there any goal or direction you are heading, or is everything mindless and have no point? I feel like you are being honest with yourself. I don't know if I have much to add but if I could I would hug you. Take care TheDuke!
  21. Thank you guys for being so supportive. I was really afraid of putting a lot of this out there since the wording was a bit strong. It was the only way I could convey what I felt through screen. I trust many of you and have always found solitude and a home here. I really do not know what I would do without this site. Freckledface: Thank you for the love. I could use a bit of hope. *Hugs back* Whyarewehere: I hope my emotions didn't set anyone off. I should of put a trigger warning. I hope I can focus more on myself. It becomes difficult. Amongst the anger I also feel guilty. The two are heavily conflicting. But you are right in I need to take care of myself and put the energy into my well-being. I agree with you about this board. It is nice we have a place where we can understand each other to a degree. I feel you guys are more family than some of the ones I have in real life. I try my best to ignore my sister. It does wonders for my mental health sometimes. Very toxic. Did you fully cut out the narcissist in your life. It is hard sometimes. I wish she could be more aware of her actions but I don't think that is going to happen. I also care about her somewhat so it is hard to watch. Idkusername465: Thanks for the for the kind words :>. I like your username ha. I go to University in central Pennsylvania. A moderate size campus with around 12,000 students. It is a lot sometimes. I study Public Relations and minor in Psychology. Majoring in PR is making me sad atm because right now, I'm not a people person. After college I will work on my mental health first and then go from there. I am 24, how old are you? Do you like college and what do you study? I find it hard when dealing with personal things. I wish I could place all my focus on my studies but it is unlikely a lot of the times. I do the best I can usually. Pen4Alex: Hugs back tightly. You don't have to say anything. I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Have a nice day ☀
  22. Thank you LaurynJcat for responding and offering me just even a little ray of hope. I really want to see the best in people. A history of abuse, bullying, manipulation, corruption makes it almost impossible to trust again. Yeah, people here are usually very civil and compassionate. I'm going to go chat with my imaginary friend. He listens... Yes, my life came to that :/ You are a good person Lauryn. See you always being helpful on these boards. Thank you. See you later. - Icarus
  23. Why am I here then, I don't know. You guys tend to listen more than real life people. I still feel alone in what I'm feeling most times. Maybe there is still a sliver of hope left. Once that is gone, I won't be human. It scares me. I think I would **** myself before that happens. I want to believe in the good of people. If I can't then I can't live with a cold heart. I can't be evil. I will die before that happens. This is the most raw, honest things I ever put out to people. It's not pleasant or forgiving.
  24. I'm done being reasonable. My words always fall on death ears. I feel invisible, unheard, disrespected, interrupted, mocked, invalidated, and so on. I'm done trying to sort through this . No one listens anyways. I have lost the ability to validate my own feelings, self worth, and opinions because I have always been told I'm wrong, or told how to feel, how not to feel, or that I'm feeling this or that. People can go eat a cactus for all I care. I'm done fluffing myself with polite bulls***. I'm really starting not to give a damn about others. I felt guilty for not having the empathy and the emotions I used to have. Now I don't care. I will let my heart turn to stone. I feel worthless, abused, tossed aside, invalidated, mocked, degraded, manipulated, brainwashed, you name it. Long history of child abuse, bullying, corrupt doctors who continue to force pills down my throat. Speaking of psychiatrists and medication in general, to hell with everyone who pushes me onto meds. I have been on meds for over 15 years now. I honestly feel they do more harm than good and I feel they have created such apathy in me and dealing with corrupt psychiatrist has been soul destroying. No one believes me. I still can get justice for what happened a year ago at a psychiatric mental health center. The situation keeps getting brushed under the rug. I'm disgusted by the whole thing. I don't feel like explaining. I explained it in 2 other of my posts already. Other psychiatrists are arrogant, belittling, narcissistic, and could not give a about my well-being. Being mocked isn't fun. I only had 2 out of the 7 or 8 psychiatrists I had that were decent human beings. The rest are cruel. If I'm doing bad, then it is obviously because I'm not medicated and if I am medicated and bad, then it is the wrong dose or wrong meds. Everyone keeps on forcing the idea of meds on me. I automatically hate with a passion these types of people and do not want to deal with these types of people going forth. I sincerely hope we never cross paths. Family situations is also a joke and no one ever has my back. My golden breadwinner of a sister can do no wrong. My abusive narcissistic sister can also do no wrong. One can say I need to be punched in the face over a calm Easter dinner and I'm the one out of line for saying how I didn't appreciate that. The other can do everything under the sun to me and it's ok. I even do anything to make this special snowflake angry and I'm cast as Satan himself. She can slap me, degrade me, almost get me killed, yell at me, belittle me, whatever and she is off the hook. She ca. also get knocked up and boost her standing in the family. Her accidentally having a child made her invincible. I came home that same summer with great grades from college after having to take a leave of absence. Declared a new major, reconnected with friends, bettered myself and so on, and none of it got recognized. My family can only talk about children. In turn I became so sick about hearing about freaking children. Yes, they are cute but so is freaking Pikachu. Can we actually talk about something else for once besides babies and children. Friends are worthless. They want to hang out with you, bond with you and tell you stories. Sounds great right?? Wrong! They are leeches. Annoying bugs that if I could, would flick off my shoulder. They just yap, yap, yap. They don't shut up ever. It is always me, me, me. Everything is always about them. No one reciprocates that. I'm tired of listening to people vent about everything for hours. I even try and mention an issue I have for a minute and I'm brushed off like I don't matter. Worse yet, bombarded with sappy platitude lines they got from the net. How cute.... But sometimes things get worse. I'm forced to smile and be pleasant. I can never have any issues. I'm not allowed to have valid feelings of being upset or frustrated. People egg me on to be this person I'm not. I'm depressed and having a bad day. I feel dead inside and wish you would leave me the hell alone. Oh, your offended I'm not listening to your commands. How sad. Yes, tell me how horrible of a person I am. Start manipulating me, insulting me, twisting my words, whatever you have to do to sleep at night. If that isn't effective, get a whole bunch of people to gang up on me. I'm used to this. It is expected. Let's attack the defenseless person. Tell them they should be thankful they have such "great" friends. **** you to hell. This is my entire college experience at this hellish campus. I freaking hate looking at these ****ing people and their smiling faces. Just an invitation for them to bug me with "be positive" bulls***. I don't trust anyone and people constantly hurt and disappoint me. I would rather everyone just disappear. Wouldn't make a difference anyways. I already feel invisible remember? There is only so much compassion, understanding, patience, reasonable-ness a person can have and I passed mine years ago. Today it snapped and I will stop suppressing the coldness and bitterness in my heart. It has won and any hope I had for me reconnecting with humanity is lost. The only good someone could do is finally put me out of my misery.
  25. I can relate to everything you just said and I don't like it. I'm scared and hanging by a thread. There is still something keeping us both here. I do agree with you are very hard on yourself. I think it is because you feel guilty you can't preform at your potential. That is why I'm so rough on myself anyways. I looked at a lot of your posts and I don't see what you see in yourself. I see a man who is struggling greatly but pushing forward despite that, even if there is no end in sight. That is powerful. I hope you can feel again like you used to. Like a lot of people have said, focus on only one thing and move on from there. It is a lot harder to do when you are so defeated. I hope things get better for you!
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