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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. Jules: That is the Golden ticket! It is something I want to work in because I would love to enjoy things regardless if people like it or not. It is like I need their permission. We may have the same sister haha. And sometimes I wonder if it is the environment. ;) Bluetree: Exactly! That is the kind of situation I'm in now. You explained it very well! I do feel guilty not saying much to the more decent people but I'm scarecd. I too feel likelier around others. And you are very right on these are things society doesn't like to talk about so it makes it hard to reach out. I hear you 100%
  2. That has got to be exhausting Fizzle. Do you know why you hate yourself so much? I understand how destructive and pervasive the ruminating thoughts are. It feels like torture a lot of times. I usually have the last one you mentioned about people be I g untrustworthy. For me, I had to make an imaginary creature to give me positive affirmation while my brain told me all sorts of things. It worked sometimes. Sounds dumb. How long have you been having these kind of thoughts and did you ever tell someone in real life about them. If so, how did they respond. I hope you aren't alone in this. That is amazing you were able to get past the eating disorder thoughts. You're pretty strong willed Fizzle.
  3. Holy heck Fizzle, this is some valuable information. Thank you for sharing more of your story. I will have to loom through your profile and seek them out. You always had a way of writing. I will have to search for Martha Linahan for invalidation. It is always interesting to hear people's stories I can relate to. Thank you for the suggestion. Sounds like a reading I could start getting into. I haven't read in a while but I have been meaning for a while to start again. To be honest, I think it is possible for my constant invalidation to be apart of the PTSD I always talk about. You are right, identity plays a huge role into this. I look back and see who I was when I was little and I always look back to those nostalgic moments where I was playing with Legos, doing imaginative play, watching anime, and Pokémon, drawing, building something, being random, being fascinated with technology, and doing fun activities such as bowling, mini golf, going to the city which always felt like this place I could do anything in and discovering the arts everywhere I looked. Ever since I was adopted my mom or other family members always invalidated what I liked to do. I am the only boy so they never understood the things I enjoyed. instead of understanding my hobbies, I always was met with a tease about my hobbies, a "this is dumb," a sarcastic remark, a "you should not be doing this because you should be doing this line," or complete silence as I passionately talked about the things I enjoyed. I remember tuning to Ben 10 on CN and my mom insisted I never watch it again because it was sci fi and just because she didn't like sci-fi, I couldn't. I'm still bitter about that btw. I always loved the city and the arts but every family trip, we never went to the city even though we usually go to Pittsburgh to stay with my two sisters. We just sit talking about how wonderful kids are. I didn't have someone actively engaged in what I was doing and no one cared to learn what it was I liked. I just had to like what they liked. Even to this day my mom will ramble on about what she likes, but when I talk about anything, she gives me a dismissive, mmhm, that's nice and interrupt me and go to what she was talking about. She is also sexist towards men and always says how bad they are because of two really bad divorces. My sister is worse and it very narcissistic and emotionally and verbally abusive. She used to always knock the type of friends I've had because they were "nerds," my sense of dress, the way I talked and carried myself, the hobbies I liked, to just about everything else to get under my skin. And I always felt invalidated in family get togethers because they would pick on me and tell me to be like this or that. If it wasn't family, it was doctors, or friends, or complete strangers telling me to be a certain way. I never learned to feel comfortable being me because I wasn't allowed to me. Always had to change or be this instead. Since then I became lethargic and became anhedonic and lost all sense of pleasure so now I can only look at my passions through how I used to feel them. I became so emotionally numb. worst of all I began to lose a sense of what made me, me and now I just feel so lost. I am an empty shell of what I once was. I have heard all of those invalidating responses at some point or another throughout my life on a constant basis. It still goes on. I don't "hang" with others because I will just be subjected to such statements and I just can't handle it anymore. I HATE to separate myself from everyone and I feel very lonely, but I hate getting into constant arguments with others because I tell them to stop over pushing my boundaries and I feel worse. Being in my house reminds me of a place where my being was stripped down into nothing. If I'm not bringing a baby into the family, talking about rural life, or stroking everyone's ego, I'm not heard. I can't really say much better about my friends... Me, me, me, me! Don't get me started on rude behavior with texting while I'm talking!! GRRR! I have been playing this game lately and it is making me nostalgic and I have this weird feeling it is connecting me back to my real self. My creative artistic, imaginative, free, funny, optimistic side. The game is in this location that feels so familiar but I still cannot pinpoint it. I think it is a calling that I need to change location and environment. I may also look into what DBT offers me as well. I'm glad you used the word "Minefields" because that is exactly how everything feels. And I have always felt Alien. Thank you for the post Fizzle.
  4. SimplyShelby: I'm so happy to be chatting with you too! For you situation, I would just take one thing at a time. Just thinking about EVERYTHING you have to do is super frustration. As you complete on task the others gradually become easier the more you get done. Just starting is the hardest. I am in a similar situation where I need to build a life for myself and it is really overwhelming organizing a plan to get everything in order. Atm, I am just focusing on graduating college. I only have one more semester and this internship I'm doing now. "Because they are most of my problem and they want to deny they did anything to contribute" couldn't be anymore similar to how I feel about my folks. Holy crap, I swear I wrote that. I'm sorry your mom doesn't seem as serious as this as you are. I wonder if she is too tired to put in the effort. It is a sad situation. I should do this too, but you could write down a checklist of everything that needs to be done from now to getting out. But instead of following it to a T, make it so the list can be flexible so that there are more than one ways to get to where you want to be and make sure there is room for some error so if something doesn't work out it doesn't feel as discouraging. Lastly, make it realistic! I hope that helped a little. I know when I make a list and don't follow it to a T, it makes me feel really bad.
  5. Thank you so much Shelby *hugs!* Every word you said resonated a lot with me and is scary how accurate it is to how I feel. I am so glad you continue to be there for others regardless and use your rough experiences to be empathetic towards others. I wish that would be more of the norm than let others sort through all of their issues themselves but eh. I also agree with you that basic sensitivity and patience isn't too much to ask.
  6. Jules19: Thank you Jules! I hope I can find those things as well. I hope we can all help each other find these things. It sucks this has been your case as well. You seem like a very kind compassionate person and I can't believe others said you don't deserve help. Let's keep up the good fight! Ratboy: You are really forgiving. Thank you, and agreed!
  7. Thank you for the kind words guys. Starsea, I have been trying to find self-validation. Is there any trick to it. I have been trying for years and I can never do it. You have the nail on the head. I don't think I can go to a therapist again. I been in therapy since I was 5 till earlier this year and while it has been a big help and met some great therapists and counselors, I don't think it is fair to them or myself to talk in circles on how I feel. I heard of DBT and may try that though. I was suggested trying when I was hospitalized and the more I hear about it the more I think it could help. Thank you for listening and being so kind. Shelby- That situation seems all too familiar. Yours seems even worse and I'm really sorry. I think it is hard to improve or change when you are in a toxic environment. I hope you and your mom can get out soon. Your last statement is why I get so angry when others ask me to change. It was a way to manipulate me in my household so when someone else does it, it is very hard to trust their intentions. Ratboy- Sorry I have been coming off as hostile with you in a couple of posts now. I think I'm just frustrated and saw your one post and it triggered the deepest thing in me which led me to come up with invalidation. In a sense I'm kind of glad I saw your post because now I can begin pinpointing what is really going on. I think the part that is the most frustrating is I don't know how to validate myself. I spend hours on the internet looking for validation as permission to feel a certain way. If I feel something I have to make sure it is somehow ok to feel it, if not I have to try and change the feeling. I have been going through this hell since I was 5. Day in day out. It really never lets up. It is draining and exhausting. I am sorry you are struggling with this as well. I came off as a bit insensitive and invalidating as well and I apologize for it. I reacted instead of responded.
  8. Sorry I got a bit carried away. It just reminded me of what people like to say constantly to me when I do have a legitimate problem and think it comes off as dismissive in my case. But it is my trigger and I am sure you did not mean it like that. The second to last paragraph of your comment really hurt to read. It is the type of comments that keep me away from others because I don't want to be that mopey person. I am bettering myself but it isn't fast enough for some people and I'm trying to do it alone so I don't drag anyone with me. I also denied therapy this summer because I knew just talking about the issues wouldn't help and really focusing on improving. I decline invitations because unless I smile 24/7 someone will have it out for me and that is just way too stressful to handle. I'm at my worst and still going and doing things that are uncomfortable. I understand you were going for the tough love approach and I don't really disagree with what you said at all, but probably how it was said.
  9. I think I discovered the root to my suffering. The reason I am so angry all the time, depressed, feeling as if no one cares for me or loves me, have low self esteem, and a general dislike for others comes from being constantly invalidated. It has always been a constant feeling in my life. How do you fix something so deep rooted that has been a big part of my life? I am always dismissed when I come with a problem. Smile!, Someone has it worse, change your thinking, do this and you will feel xyz, I'm kind of busy, be happy, it's not that bad, someone has it worse than you, I don't care, it's not my problem, you are only doing this to yourself, it will get better, help someone else and you will feel much better. All of these are so dismissive and even if some come from good intentions have made me feel like my issues never mattered or were lessened. I always had to suck it up. I could be there for someone else until the sun went down but when it was my turn, I just got lectures, platitudes, shut down, interrupted, preached to, belittled, and more. It has really made me bitter and eventually made me emotionally detached from others. This is someone who had so much empathy and compassion. Any time I look at someone, all I can think of is the invalidating messages I have received. People became the enemy. I have trouble believing in myself, and partaking in things I want to do. My hobbies and interests were always invalidated. I was also manipulated to hell by my sister and family and now believe like everything is my fault. A mistake becomes a nightmare because it reminds me how everything is ALWAYS my fault. I find it very ironic how I am told to take responsibility for my feelings and actions by the same people who have not. They project it to me. I carry the burden. I never believe I can ever have a legit issue. It is my fault and I have to change, change, change again. WHY!!? I spend hours and hours with obsessive thoughts on if I am actually overreacting or to trust what I feel. I can't even trust me own feelings even though I feel them so passionately. If I could explain hell, it would be deciding whether these thoughts are real or not. manipulation and brainwashing can do so much. Even when I do the right thing, I am doing the wrong thing. Everything is always wrong, wrong, wrong. I am always explaining things wrong. excited about the wrong things, talk the wrong way, dress the wrong way, act the wrong way. I would do anything to end this psychological torture. I'm not even sure I feel validated on here anymore. It will just be my fault anyways. Even though I haven't stopped trying since I was born. Fighting through every ounce of strength I have left. The only question I have is how one cures this intense feeling of invalidation?
  10. I hope you find what your are looking for Scienceguy. I'm sorry I hijacked your topic. I hope you feel loved and cared for. I am thankful for your posts to have someone to relate to but I am sad things seem so bleak. I'm glad some of the comments helped you.
  11. I was going to write a long post but I just want to say I related to every word you said Scienceguy and I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm at a disagreement with some other commenters and say it isn't all your fault or entirely your thinking. The things people are saying here now I am doing and I'm still not doing things right so I will continue to blame myself.... I'm the only one who is unreasonable and self sabotages and the only one who has to change is what I got from the comments. More invalidation....
  12. Welcome back! I am so sorry you seem trapped in such a dysfunctional environment. It feels suffocating. I am glad that you at least have your mom there and it seems that you guys can understand each other since you both have MI. I am really shocked at what that doctor said to your mom. That is extremely insensitive and invalidating. I have come across many people like that and I feel the same way about a lot of doctors. It boggles my minds how little empathy some have. I feel like I am in somewhat of a similar situation as you. I too need to get a license and find a way to get out of my house. I go to school currently so I am trying to ride it out for now. I feel very separate from my family and haven't talked to many in such a long time. There is always something and they have a way of making me feel so misunderstood and invalidated. I really hope you and your mom can move on to a better environment. I feel it would help and to kind of start over. I wish you both the best!
  13. Fizzle: Great questions! I will try to answer to the best of my ability. Things are truly complex. This may not make much sense as I am trying to make sense of it as well, but I feel the events after foster care were a lot rougher. In a messed up way, the things that happened in foster care were my normal. I was never taught anyway different before I got adopted. Even though, I was in a very rough, traumatic position, I had a foster brother, and for the most part, I had people to talk to and honestly (this would be hard to believe) I felt more normal then socially I guess. Then I was adopted, and while the environment was a LOT better, I grew this sense of loneliness right away. I was scared all the time. I didn't know how to interact with the other kids. I did things that were "inappropriate" but I obviously didn't understand. It made starting out in the new world difficult. I mostly missed my foster brother. It was one of those rare connections and we always did stuff together. My biological sister was adopted with me, and while that seemed great, she never really wanted to hang with me like me and my foster brother. She and the rest of my family always tended to treat me differently on family gatherings. I grew to hate them. I'm the only boy. My sister also manipulated me mostly everyday. She would belittle me and push me around. She was/is nasty to me. Very narcissistic. Some days I miss moments from my foster care days in ways. Mostly my brother and some of my neighbors. After my foster sister tried to **** me, I don't think I was the same after that. I became untrusting and angry. First time I realized that situation I was in was completely wrong. But honestly the bad stuff that happened there doesn't trigger me as much as how it was handled by the professionals and how my birth mother was irresponsible. All of that added to the betrayal and low opinion of people I had. I was told a lot of new information about this just about 4 years ago so it is still fresh. Dealing with my biological sister is harder. She has a way of getting under your skin in the most sensitive areas and knows where to dig. She would hit me so often that any time she moved her hand I would flinch. That is how bad it got. I told my mom so many times but never did anything about it. I did do EMDR, but it was a year and a half ago. I only really think it made me reminisce about those things instead of combat them. I never gave them much thought before. In a sense, I think it is unfair for people to ask me to be as trusting as them. I am actually very gullible and naturally give people the benefit of the doubt but it usually backfires every time. I think all of that disappointment and hurt made me numb to caring for people.
  14. Thank you for this post. I related to everything you said. I really could have write this. I don't feel so alone now. Thank you! I hope things improve for you.
  15. I am on Lexapro now and it isn't working. I though for a tiny while that it may be helping slightly but I feel the same when I'm off meds as well. I took both a regular dose and a low one. The normal one numbed me out. I may change the dose or like freckled face and bluegal said, you may need to switch as well. Hope you can find the right medication. Do what you feel is best :]
  16. I can say I can heavily relate to neurotic_lady's and LaurynJcat's answer a lot. And Epictetus, I never head of antidepressant chemotherapy before. I'm glad it works for you. There are a lot of different methods but you usually only hear of a select few. The brain and humans are extremely complex indeed! I really would want to know where research tales is in the next 20-50 years.
  17. Fizzle:You have me a great novel idea. I should write a book about my experience in wonderland...HELL... Uhhh I mean the real world and give people and things personas in the way I see them. Will the main character ever get out of wonderland? Will he save his mind from being taken over by the mysterious energy that surrounds these lands? Find out next time on Twisted Reality! *cue wink* In all seriousness it has been a scary though. I seem to walk on egg shells these days. To be honest, the events after my foster sister really messed me up. I think it was because I was tossed into a normal environment after being abused and locked up. It is hard to believe that all happened. Unfortunately, I still haven't adjusted to a normal lifestyle. My normal for 5 years was being abused. I even felt normal back then. I shouldn't blame others but since I was out I had people coming to my aid trying to help fix me. Or tell me how to run my life or talk down to me. It still goes on. It was probably why I never had faith in myself. Almost immediately after I was pumped with dozens of anti-depressants. Like ***? My biological sister I have now is almost just as abusive as my foster sister. Except she is manipulative and verbally and emotionally aabusive. Very narcissistic. If it wasn't that I was bullied. So I can't remember a time where I wasn't betrayed or bullied in some kind. How does one heal after 20+ years of that?
  18. Thanks guys for the replies. SMC, they is a really long time to be in the void. I wish you had the support from your friends and family. I can empathize with how lonely and depressing that he's got to be. I'm glad we have online forums where complete strangers try and comfort one another. I wonder if finding a whole new set of friends/companions in a different environment may help? Sometimes I wonder. I hope someone comes around for you. And you are alright! Ab75: Hiya there. You are quite alright. Welcome to DF! Yes, I have been diagnosed since I was 5. I am 24 now. I'm on medication and had psychological help since I was 5. Nothing has really taken me out of the fog yet but a few therapist/counselors did help me in different ways. I hope that helps a bit! I have been diagnosed with depression, adhd, Tourette, bipolar, and ptsd through my lifetime.
  19. Aww Epictetus, don't ever apologize. I understand and encourage you to only write as much as you can without hurting hands. To help others despite that... I strive to be as kind and helpful as you one day. I wish I could remove the suffering as well. It seems endless... Take care my friend :]
  20. Fizzle: I do seem like I'm Alice and went down the rabbit hole. Everything looks like a bizarre version of the actual world I'm surrounded in. It is scary. Yeah, I'm very overwhelmed and scared. Do the flashbacks ever get easier? They are not the same as when I was in foster care but a lot of things seem to stem from a point. My foster sister almost killed me and ever since that day I have been angry. I have had other people hurt me in someway. Just two weeks ago my past roommate threw me under the bus. Have you ever thought about sharing your story with other people with ptsd like symptoms? You have helped me make sense of things. Just want to let you know you have helped at least one person in a big way. Thank you! Bluetree: I really agree. I feel so guilty about it though. Unfortunately anytime I want to make a real change, life slaps me around and I'm back at square one. Yes! I feel like I'm in a trance most of the time. When I snap out of it, I realize how much I hurt. It is unbearable. It makes me ill. I will try not to fight it. I have been fighting it for a year now. I do go to college, I'm currently doing an internship and becoming more self aware and striving to make healthier choices. It is tough when you feel numb. Thank you for easing some of the burden.
  21. I'm sorry you feel so defeated Electra. I'm in the same boat as well. I think there may be a few options you can try. There is a place called RecovermyLife.com. A friend of mine referred me to it once. It is kind of like this site. It does have a chat feature which I believe is used a lot more and they have a self harm section in their forums section. You can also try calling the self harm hotline number at 1-800-DONT CUT. I'm not sure how helpful these hotlines are to you. They don't really work for me but they may be an option for you. Lastly, their is this site called 7cupsoftea where I believe they have actual people who volunteer to listen to people's stories and issues that they have right away. It looks interesting. I wish I had more help to offer, but I hope you find what you are looking for. -Icarus
  22. I have become a zombie for the past year. All I can do these days is state blankly at nothing and feel like the same nightmares repeat. It is agonizing. I try so hard to be a decent person and to fit in with the rest of the world. I try so hard day in day out to improve and I am stuck in this trance like state. I have had a lot of disappointments, hardships the past few years and all of it haunts me. I am so overwhelmed. When I do try and pick myself up I mess something up. I never felt like a human. I can mimick social interactions but they very rarely feel sincere and real. I have always felt so detached from people. As long as I can remember. I do what I can to pass of as normal so others don't give me trouble. I honestly feel threatened by others. The more vulnerable I am, the more likely I feel to be attacked. I have tried for almost 20 years to understand my fellow people. I have been getting major flashbacks of another time or moment that feels so familiar to me but can never pinpoint it. I feel sometimes like I'm not from this time period or planet. I know this sounds crazy but I have always felt something was never right. I feel this strong need to end things. It is beginning to seem pointless. It is like everyday I'm waiting for my time to die or just not wake up. I don't feel you and I don't trust again. I was thrown under the bus by someone I opened up to a little bit. Hurt a lot because I don't open up often. I don't have many positive memories to reflect on. So I hold those dear. I am not sure what happiness feels like. To be honest I have never been more afraid. I'm afraid to take any move. It is like walking on a minefield. I can't even draw up a recent positive memory....
  23. Haha science guy, you're welcome! I only thought it for a split second but I knew right away you meant to put the comma there! I'm glad I could help even somewhat. I understand the frustration behind people telling you to live a certain life and that is the right way to live. Just because your aren't living that way they say that is why you are depressed and try and spin things around. Oh, I get that so much! I am so far away from living the American Dream. Gatsby tried to live the American dream and it killed him! I still have trouble with comprehending what going out and having fun is sometimes. I think it is pretty easy though. Being around others you enjoy. It gets hard when that is very rare and I would rather stab myself in the eye with a fork than hang around fake people. I do not think we are incapable of having fun. The timing and the situation isn't right as well as the people. I can enjoy my me time but only for so long. Idk... I think this issue is very complex and doesn't have an absolute answer. I really did like Sloth's comment and was very well thought out. I do think, however, that it wouldn't help with the feeling of not connecting. For me anyways. I don't really get lonely like other people do. It hurts like heck though when a friend abandons you thou or betrays you. Had it happen the other day. All I could do is cry for two days. I don't cry like that. It was super painful. It is hard to recover when it is constant. I'm keeping on going despite it even though it hurts. I deserve a life and you do too. I hope that these so called friends and family will never have the power to take that away from anyone suffering from abandonment or times when they are in need.
  24. I am actually on disability. I'm on 24 and had it since I was 19 I believe. My mom put me on it because she thinks I need it. To be honest it is a confusing situation. Jobs scare me death but I am in college about to complete my Undergrad and then look for a job. While it is nice to have a paycheck every month for doing practically nothing is nice but with it comes a lot of guilt. Most days I don't think I deserve it. My depression is very severe and have other things that contribute but I see how hard my friends work for their own money. I did have a job one time when I was on it. I kind of got a slap on the wrist though. You can't really have a job and be on disability unless that job gives you very low income. I do give a big portion to my mom for rent even though I live in an apartment at college. And I have learned to budget some. But it is hard hearing comments about people on disability leeching on the Government and people. In a sense I do not blame them for thinking that. I have trouble enough as it is with college and could not do a class on top of that. Can only handle 4 classes. This summer I am doing an unpaid internship so I'm not necessarily sitting around all summer. I think the worst thing you may feel is guilt and a drop in your self esteem. But if you really need it, I would take the opportunity but with the intention of it being temporary to get you back up on your feet. I may not have mine much longer. Hope that helped a little. I hope things turn around for you!
  25. Trying to explain depression to someone who's never experienced it is like trying to explain a long complicated version of astrophysics problem that covers the entire area of the board with no prior knowledge of basic physics......
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