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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. Thank you for the words of encouragement! I like what you said about getting wiser and stronger because it seems like there is progress in all of this. I think a lot of this is trying to see what really works for me and being able to reject what doesn't. Sometimes when offered an opinion, it is like playing a game of minesweeper. You have to choose what to do very carefully.
  2. Thank you Fizzle! I'm glad to hear things from your point of view and really related to a lot you said above. I didn't know you have trouble with this either. I feel alone in this but there are others who struggle with similar issues. It is more rare to encounter someone with complex trauma than other types of illnesses. I feel I may have minimized other people's issues by saying I wish I only had depression. Part of me envies them. But your analogies are spot on. I like the nut comparison. That was neatly described. I relate to not being able to have an opinion and felt sad reading you felt the same way :/ I feel like it is hard to turn down certain advice. Does anyone come to you and say, well you refuse to try? It puts me in an odd position. I'm not 100% positive it won't work but from all of my experiences, I am sure it would do more harm than good and I can't afford as much risks right now. I just came out of therapy/counseling and I'm apprehensive of starting again. It is mostly because I feel like I'm wasting my counselors time. He is an amazing counselor and I have been greatful for him but we have been hitting a wall for some time and I just feel bad about it. You made it so far with this and I can't even imagine everything that has happened throughout your life. I would definitely throw myself a party if I make it to 47 haha. It is definitely hard to separate myself from the labels and illnesses attached to me. I think they are often used against me too often as well and never was seen as a person outside of them until recently. Like you, I'm trying to reconnect to my real self and find out who I am separate from everything else. It is quite the journey. When I do that, I hope to find more treatment. I hope so too Fizzle. I look at everyday as a fresh slate to try again. You take care too!
  3. I just want to say I relate to what both you are saying and just want to say your guys are not alone. Are you afraid about the current state you are in. I could imagine it being very difficult hearing your mother say that. She seems to be at least concerned and wants to try and connect. I could be completely wrong though. I am also disturbed how I can barely bat an eyelash over things like what you described. I don't think you are a bad person and due to the things going on in your life, your body seemed to go into self defense mode and block out all of those emotions. I hope you can get the help you need or find purpose again. ((hugs)) :/
  4. I am just so fed up of it. I know, I rant a lot. I'm always angry and seemingly angry at the world. Long story short I am. I hate MI being invisible. I cannot stand it any longer. It is SO easy for people to judge me and makes suggestions and comments and offer platitudes. I can either accept those platitudes as fact or I live as someone who makes excuses. I refuse to say this is all my fault. Everyone wins. I cannot control what others do but I am tired of saying sorry for everything. I always apologize. I don't do it on here often because of this. I know what mistakes I have made and what I need to work on. I am not perfect, but since I'm the one with MI, I purposely got myself to this point and I refuse to believe that. It negates everyone else's responsibility who had a major part in it. Manipulation, use of fear, control, mind games, lying, and anything to get what they wanted. I learned how to fear. When having an invisible illness, everything is your fault. If I didn't try every single solution known on the face of the earth, I'm not trying hard enough and slacking. I do not understand when I read articles, it is always how bad the people around the depressed person has it. No one tries to understand what goes on in my mind and why i behave the way I do. I am often acussed of not putting myself in other people's shoes but that is the biggest lie and the complete opposite of my entire character. I'm supposed to let go and leave all of this behind. But what if it follows you. I have ignored and I have tried hard to let things be. I established boundaries and I often be the better person and just leave the other person having the last say. When people offer to help me, they do it to make themselves comfortable. It is more about them and less about actually helping. No one is listening. I often repeat myself constantly. I often have people messing with their phones or getting distracted. This is after they want me to tell them what is wrong. People get frustrated with me when I'm honest. How isn't this manipulation. I mean is every problem I have just because my entire brain is distorted or are people telling me this to opt out of responsibility. Before i make changes, i want to make sure they are changes I should be making and not ones that manipulative people tell me to make. And I just don't have depression. This is depression forums, but I have a lot more going on than just depression. I wish I just had depression. And i hate all the labeling. Why. Why do we do this? Not everything fits into such a neat little box. Every single platitude seems to be applied to people who fit into these neat little boxes and I do not fit into any box neatly. Far from it. I have about 10 extremely pressing issues I face on a daily basis and a lot conflict with each other. A solution that could help my depression ends up triggering another one of my many other problems. I also do not lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, get wasted, have unsafe sex, I'm not violent (I have a lot of anger though), I don't scream at people, I never been in trouble with the law, I work hard, I'm giving, try to be as fair as i can, and I help others when I can and often put others before my own needs when I'm feeling a little bit better. (That is one mistake I keep making) (See, I can admit faults). It just the things that really grind my gears and makes me want to strangle others is them psychoanalyzing me and promising me things will get better soon and giving me all of these promises without knowing my story. It is supposed to be comforting but for me, It comes off as a sick joke as this has always been my life. Unlike some people, I never lived a normal life. I have been abused and used throughout my ENTIRE life. I often hear comments about people like me how i love to sit and mope and play the victim. That is also bulls***. Or how if I just got out with friends and faked it till I made it, life would be well. I know it is supposed to be uplifting but it is extremely offensive to me that these things are often said. Both of these lead to even more traumatic situations. For the many people in my life who tried to fix me, I bet none of them had a similar experience like mine. I highly, highly doubt it. I'm not saying they had a better or worse life than me either but I'm saying they had a different experience. So I am also sick of Miss perfect Ann telling me how she did this and this and she was cured and it will cure me guaranteed because supposedly we share the same experiences. It is silly to me how people can find people at their lowest and judge so easily. And make assumptions and quick solutions. All it did was make things worse for me. I'm sure others may relate. I'm not falling for this kumbayah crap that so many people DEMAND fixes every issue. Some have made me much worse. Sick even. Until then I want to isolate and grieve in peace. Lastly, I don't like to be referred to as crazy and hate that since I have MI that I'm just crazy. People use it as a cute name for us all and I absolutely hate it. What is so crazy about feeling broken after many traumatic experiences? Idk, I just have been relating less and less with other depressed people. Especially those who seem to be fixed in a couple of years or less or those who do experience moderate periods of good days.
  5. Your story saddens me and I'm terribly sorry you had to go through all of this. NO one should ever have to go through so much hurdles. For one, I find you very strong to even keep going. I hope you don't self-blame yourself for all of these terrible things that happen to you. For the people who blame you and say it is all your fault do it to control you and turn the blame to someone else. While my story is not the same as your, it is similiar in a sense I have been abused throughout my life and I know it causes a lot of damage and confusion and guilt and everything you just described. How are your children doing throughout all of this? Those men had no business doing what they did. I wouldn't really blame you for sticking around as long as you did. For people who are abused, I think it is harder to break free from potential and current abusers. I think the abusers know this and choose people like us as their victims. It is really sick and I can't fathom why people like to prey on others. This might be a stupid question, but have you ever thought of staying single and raising your kids by yourself. Forget all the single mom stigma. Sure, there are some that fit the stereotype but you don't have to. If money and support is a factor, that is a bit harder. And I don't know your whole family dynamic. But from what i've read, It seems you have done a lot to improve not only your, but your children's lives which is commendable. You are someone I look up to. I wish I was that strong. I can barely do college right. Almost done though. I hope you have SOMEONE to reach out to because keeping this all inside would probably be very painful. You can message me at anytime and I hope you get to where you want to be. Best wishes to you!
  6. I'm really sorry you are in such a dark place. I can relate to a lot what you wrote. Being in a somewhat ideal situation but caving under the pressure of hiding it and not being able to feel the joy of those things. I don't know how far down the rabbit hole you are, but i feel like therapy is less effective when you are so down. I have been like this for way too long and it does start to feel hopeless. I think just acknowledging where you are is a place to begin. I feel you are honest with yourself. I get what you mean by not wanting to drag other people in this. I find it especially hard when people try to come into my life and it creates more stress because I usually have to hide everything so they don't see I have depression. It is very exhausting. Some of what you are saying is concerning but definitely understandable and I am in the same boat in a lot of your cases. I'm glad you at least came here to vent. I hope it helped get some things off your chest. I really like what Starsea suggested. Because of the almost 20 years I been in therapy/pschiatrists/groups/caseworkers, I never had a psychological profile like Starsea suggested and it gets to become hopeless after several failed attempts. But you should do whatever you think is best. This is your life and people have to respect your decisions. I hope you reach a point in your life where things feel good again. Take care!
  7. Like many have said above, I would see another psychiatrist. They are there to help you, not to personally attack you. I have had a few times, but one time particularly where I had a similar psychiatrist like you and it just made me worse. I also didn't defend myself and thought of all of these things I wish I said. I was angry I didn't stand up for myself and angry at my mom for being so passive. In the end, I did leave him. He didn't listen and was very arrogant. It looks like your psychiatrist was trying to give you the tough love approach but he came off unprofessional and very rude. He really crossed the line. How are you feeling since that event? It stings for a while. I hope you can find a better psychiatrist who treats you with more respect. The only thing I would be worried about is if he is prescribing you meds, how the new doctor will adjust. If it is a big issue to you, I would report him or at least let it known how badly you felt treated to any higher ups. I wish you best of luck!
  8. I didn't enjoy my stay at all. it was very similar to what NC86 said about the last scenario...
  9. Holy moly, I just want to give you the biggest hug right now. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed or embarassed about. I would break down too if I were in your situation. In fact I'm not sure I could keep going as long as you. You are one extremely strong person. I'm sorry you havw to keep care of your mom when you can barely take care of yourself. You are something else. If people knew your story, thry would see those tears as strength and courage instead of embarassment. I hope you can get help for YOU as well. You deserve it! I hope you get through everything!*hugs*
  10. I keep mine hidden until I possibly can't anymore. It makes me physically sick to do so but I'm selfish and in the wrong for talking about my depression and other serious problems so I just build up resentment and silence. You people who show it are really brave.
  11. Wow, this post is one of the most relatable post I have seen in a while. It is really exhausting. I call it the mask. I am not one to lie but boy have I been one big fat liar. I'm sorry you feel miserable and I can imagine it being hard and trying to hide it. I find it hurts just as bad as telling the truth and getting a really negative response. Neither feel good at all. I think people with depression should be free to openly discuss these things. Letting it out there can be healthy and help someone from internalizing everything. I know people mean well when saying these things, but they feel invasive. In my situation, when I was honest, it didn't go well at all. I personally do not believe these people mean well anymore because they are fair weathered friends. I think it would be nice to be honest and say "hey look, I'm having a crappy day," without someone trying to pressure you out of what you are feeling in that moment. It is usually well, get happy so I will feel better" and that is how it comes across. I feel this is why I have become such a shut in because I just do not want to go through being targeted with these questions again. I do find your humor really hilarious and hope you can keep onto that. It has a bit of fire to it lol. I hope you can find friends you can be real with! *hugs*
  12. :( I hope you can reach out to someone to help you out of this dark place. No one should go through it alone. I'm feeling suicidal lately as well so I'm kind of a hypocrite but I agree with neurotic lady that a part of you still wants to keep going. I'm not going to shame you and I hope things improve for you!
  13. Starsea: That is the long term goal. I think it is getting better since I now know what I know and it is easier to brush off the hurt.
  14. Thank you Starsea! No one has ever said that to me before. I was always told that those people were helping and it made me feel ungrateful. I have been carrying the burden for too long now and I think it is time I can let some of it go. I'm not going to even waste energy trying to prove how awful those people are. All I wanted is to get rid of these pressures and burdens. I feel I can live a little more in peace. Thank you and everyone else who commented for giving me some of that peace back. I feel like I can slowly move on from this hell. I hope so anyways. You are a very good listener and offer great support, thanks!
  15. I feel like a lot of people are put in this position. I feel like I'm waiting till after I graduate college for my life to pick up and start improving. Thing is, things are always improving, somewhat. Even those mistakes or really hard times have some sort of growth direction forward to them. Being stopped by financial issues is a tough one. I am still baffled that there are people who can not get better because the help they need is way over their budget. I am fortunate to sit well in finances for the time being and it is something I take for granted some days. I really wish everyone could have access to help so that they don't have to wait and wait and wait. I hope you don't have to wait much longer. *hugs*
  16. Sorry I'm late with responding. Jules19: I'm really sorry to hear about your sister? Is seems like she is manipulative and uses fear to get what she wants. My sister does that anyways. No one should live in fear or anxiety because of their siblings. I hope she can come around. I hope I can overcome it. It is hard to confront people because the way my sister acted anytime I was honest. Ironically I am the one who is told constantly I react bad to everything. I don't think I would have a problem with people saying that to me if others were also held responsible as well. Starsea: Hi! Yeah, there is a big stigma around and I feel it is the one thing which makes it almost impossible to get better. I never felt I was given power when offered help. In my experience, I always had an ultimatum put on me. If their help didn't work on me, people would get angry with me. It puts a lot pressure on me. I usually get very suicidal after getting offered help from someone. I am often misunderstood and that make me a lot angrier. A lot of people who try to help offer advice and platitudes before I even begin to explain the entire situation which is essential. And when I tell them that, a fight breaks out. It isn't just plain depression that I'm dealing with either which others seem to think. I wish all I had was depression. I do understand what you are saying though and in some cases that is definitely correct and definitely thought that! You know, doing what I can to defeat the depression felt good. Being misinterpreted and misunderstood usually sends me to the hospital though as well. I have to be very careful who I disclose any problem to. Feelinglostagain: Hello! I am a very sensitive person. I also feel like the scapegoat as well. It is difficult to know exactly what to do in the situation of me being labeled. I have always been labeled from such an early childhood and those labels never seemed to go away. I feel very pressured to stay put and have been challenging them lately but I feel backed into a corner. I am sure I was misdiagnosed so much throughout my life and recently came to find out I probably have BPD but then found out how dangerous that label is to someone who has it. Even though I heavily identify with someone who has BPD, all I hear from forums is how bad those people are and how messed up and selfish and horrible they are. People's judgments are already made before you can even explain your story. And just because I have MI, doesn't mean I have all the traits people with MI have. I hate being put in a box. I never had an identity outside MI. Even when I wanted to go off to college, I was encouraged to go to a school for people with disabilities putting me even further into the box. I am at a regular college and it can be extremely hard. I push myself very hard and try to overcome lots of obstacles MI included. Some days I want to give up but I keep pushing through. I don't want those people to win that encouraged me all of these "special" outlets. I don't want to be bound to a system that keeps me there. I have to work twice as hard as most to do what I do. I mess up, make mistakes, grow, learn, and I will continue. It is insulting that people stop giving me the same level of respect just because they see I'm now "damaged" in their eyes. I hope I find more positivity in my life and practicing to stay away from negativity. It is hard at first. Thank you for the compliments too :) I'm not angry at you, if my response seemed that way. Just frustrated because this whole situation has been the root some of the most intense pain I ever endured. Fizzle: That was wonderfully stated. You are always very clear and relatable with what you are saying. After hearing about you talk about your sister, I feel ours are very much alike. It is scary how you describe her. I think the worst part about this was I did have an identity. Even in foster care where I was abused. It was when I went to my adoptive family, was where I was told my likes, interests, opinions, and thoughts, were dismissed, challenged, devalued, and invalidated. I started to want to become like everyone else. I wanted to become normal because EVERYONE wanted me to get better and healthy. I took that as healthy like everyone else. I had this one TSS worker who meant well but really pushed me to be normal. Instead of understanding where I'm coming from and the place I was currently, he just pushed his ideal need of me being like a normal part of society. I wish we could have started from where I was at first and work our way up. He was more concerned in how productive I was. At that point I just wanted to feel validated and loved for who I was. I felt the same way from a lot of doctors and specialists. Sometimes I was often judged unfairly. Then my sister absolutely killed the last part of individuality I had. I am quirky and shy in front of people. I stuttered and often reacted a certain way in public. I was okay with it. I didn't find anything too wrong with it until she picked apart every social interaction I had in public. I have been extremely self conscious since and I still can't get those memories out of my head. She would also criticize my wardrobe, friends I hung out with, and the way I talked. I know it's just her but I just can't get it all out of my head. She drilled them into me. I'm glad you mentioned Stockholm syndrome. I feel the same way your described it. Complete zombie devoid of any real personality. Me being able to identify this has been extremely positive. I am at peace with some things I struggled with for too long. I still have a LONG, grueling battle up ahead, but I can breathe a little, ya know? Thank you for helping me so much along the way!
  17. I reply to all your responses tomorrow. Thank you!
  18. I hope you get the help you need. I will be thinking of you!
  19. SenorDomino: I hear ya. Some doctors are really good at treating you like an equal and others will look down on you like a lesser being. I try and avoid those kinds of doctors. I'm on guard too and I wish it wasn't that way. I had some shady and terrible doctors in the past. I hope we can both get the help we need that will allow us to grow without us feeling flawed and made to feel even worse about ourselves. I'm not giving up! Take care!
  20. Thank you Freckledface! I believe it did somewhat. It is okay if you don't have much to add. I just wonder if I am the only one who felt that way but I guess that isn't the case. *hugs back*
  21. I'm not good with medical terms and can only add to your post a little bit sadly since I'm not as knowledgeable but I am sorry to hear you are having so much pain with your teeth. I freaking hate teeth pain. I hate the thought of them being pulled, drilled into, broken. It makes me cringe. It seems like you formed a type of fear from your other visits to the dentist. Do you think something then set it off where now you are reminded of something that give you anxiety? I actually thought the stress ball and the headphones were a good idea. I didn't know you could take headphones to the dentist. Learn something new everyday. I usually have something really cold like a popsicle when my teeth are aching. I really wish I had good advice to give you. I hate that you're in so much pain and wish it could go away.
  22. I'm not even going to lie. I'm extremely far from perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. Have regrets. Have TONS of things I can improve within my self, and push myself a little bit harder. I'm no saint. With that said, ever since I was 7 or even before, I was diagnosed with depression and had more diagnoses after that. I was always in the system. I left an abusive foster care system at age 5. From there on out, I was to be fixed, labeled, helped, incapable. I had just about every type of mainstream professional help you can think of. Psychiatrist, therapist, TSS workers, behavior specialist, case workers, social workers, mentors, etc. I often get that since I have MI, that I have no valid complaints. If I do not like something someone did, it is automatically my fault because somehow since I have MI, I think irrationally and it is my depression or whatever label is used at the time. There are times where I am out of line but probably just as much or even less that everyone around me. I apologize for those instances and feel guilty. But then there are times where someone was very clearly out of line but will use my MI against me and shift the blame to me and I start questioning whether it is my fault or not. I will spend days, if not months trying to decide if it was my fault or not. An example being two Easters ago one of my sisters (A) said something along the lines of "She should punch you in the face" when I mentioned to my other sister (K) how her diet was going while we were chowing on a feast. It was an inside joke because me and my sister (K) were both talking about how hard it was to lose weight and at times. The joke I said was too myself as well. I got angry because if I were to tell any family member to be punched in the face I would be made to apologize instantly. Instead everyone laughed. I had a history of abuse and my sister (K) did beat me physically when we were younger and it made it feel it was ok to beat me. after months, I finally confronted my sister (A) how I felt about it and she took it in a horrible direction. She was defensive and instead of apologize, she went straight to the you have MI and need to get help. I thought it was so unfair that is what people can use nowadays just to shut someone up when they do have a legit concern or complaint. I think this is why it is so hard for me get receive to take or receive "help." I feel once I give someone permission to "help" me, I am under their control. if I disagree or don't do exactly what they say, than I am difficult and made to feel guilty. Accepting help from others means I am totally at fault for everything and feel like I give them power. I had too much people have power over me in the past. I am encouraged to be honest, but when I am, I am out of line or something. I feel I have to constantly agree just to co-exist. I'm not allowed to have my own identity separate from others. I never learned to have an identity of my own. I'm told constantly told I blame everyone for my problems but that isn't true. Sometimes I can blame others for things go wrong. Sometimes I may find myself reacting too prematurely but will apologize right away. But there are times where I just want to be angry or disappointed in someone and it be valid without someone policing how I feel. There are times where I put up with so much and take so much crap from people because the second I have an issue I am not allowed to be upset about it. Once MI comes into play, I just need to "think differently." This stuff is the main cause of my suicidal thoughts. /rant
  23. Starsea, it should be that simple! I have trouble discerning whether something is my responsibility or someone else's.
  24. Fizzle, I couldn't agree more with what you said. I think I'm going to work on protecting myself and learning to validate myself while I'm living at home. It seems like you put in so much work and it finally paid off. I'm sure that made you feel really good. I think I too have a long road ahead of me and it will be hard work. Nothing that is too foreign to me. I don't think it is pathetic it took you that long to become more assertive. I feel you have to rewire your brain.Depending on how ingrained being passive you are, it will take a while to reverse. Me and my mom have a weird relationship. I love her dearly but she has done a lot of the invalidation and it does strain our relationship. She is physically there for me in just about every way possible but not emotionally there and not engaged when I share something about myself. Love how you said other people can let invalidating remarks slide off their backs. I was never able to do this and wondered why others could. I think I understand now. It is frustrating but glad I understand why it happens. And yay, another reading! When I pick up reading again I will read both mentions. I wonder if they are on audible. I will probably check then. Thank you Fizzle! You are really relatable and you are a good listener. I hope things keep improving for you as well. I have been reading more of your posts and looks like you been through quite a lot :/ The door is open to talk to me whenever!
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