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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. The title should be Psychiatrist. Don't know how to change it :/
  2. Okay I've had psychiatrist all my life. For a while I had a really good one from the age of 7 who really helped and understood me. After he left things just went downhill from there. Like every half year I kept getting replaced with new Psychiatrist and none of them had the level of understanding or compassion as my first one except one was okay. The one I have currently is the worst though. If there was any person who could tear and wreck all the remaining self esteem I had left it would be this psychiatrist. He is very difficult to talk to. He acts like he knows everything and is very judgmental. Most times he wont even let you talk. He just lectures you or puts you down saying what your saying is bulls***. Like I did say to him i was going to write a novel over the summer and I met him yesterday and teased me because I haven't started. I'm going through the roughest time of my life. I can barely get out of bed let alone even move an inch because I'm in such emotional shock and pain. And then I told him i will be a little busier in July and he was like I think thats bulls***. He always has to challenge what I say. And i can never get to the point and say what I need changed without him acting all smart with me. The worst thing is my mom nods and agrees with him and we had an argument and she doesn't seem to care. I know she cares in her own way but She never really ever respects my wishes at all. Before I came to the appointment i was in a good mood feeling a little better and confident. I just don't know anymore. But it is really important for me to get the right medication and he is doing that. Instead he just argues and cuts me off.
  3. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I am so sick of trying to get better and going back to the bottom again. I just need a break. I realized the only way I can get through this depression is if I start listening to myself and help myself. My intuition is strong and usually right about 95% of the time. It never fails me. But the problem is I can never follow it because of the stigma with depression the constant blame and guilt I feel for feeling this way. My feelings are never validated and always seen as overreacting. I'm always wrong and I'm the one who has to change. People pick at my flaws all the time but ignore their own. Most times they don't even follow their own advice. I like everyone else have flaws that I'm trying to work out but at least I admit them. I cannot relate with anyone but have a lot of empathy where I can put myself in their shoes. Sometimes not even with depressed people. They all seem to be able to pull themselves out while I'm still in the whole. People tell me to change my attitude on life and to be honest I am so sick of trying to change everything about me. Things are still the same. I can't force it. People expect me to snap out of this and I just cannot. I try really hard. I spend all my energy trying to get through this depression and finding ways to overcome it. I spend every waking day thinking if I'm crazy or not. In my heart I know I'm not. I wish people can accept that they cannot wish away my depression. They get frustrated with me. I understand but I find they don't really listen and cannot see things other than their own experiences. I REALLY hate being compared to other people. I feel like I'm pressured to be as happy as everyone else or be fully optimistic. I wish people could accept that I'm not. I would love to be optimistic but its hard to get to that point. I'm finally to a point where I like myself and accept me as a person but more and more people are saying my depression is my fault. I really try I really do. Its a slap in the face when people don't see that. I'm on medication been since I was 7. Saw my doctor yesterday but he didn't really do anything and all 3 of my therapist I don't see atm. I'm trying to do this all by myself and I cannot do it. I feel like I have a legitimate reason to be this way. I've never had had a break from the depression. I've been abused in every kind of form. Been depressed all my life. I don't even really know what happy is. Its just no matter what I do I'm doing something wrong. I'm always wrong. I can't even disagree on something without someone giving me a hard time or lecturing me. My opinions are never respected and so on. I just wish someone could relate so I don't feel like I'm losing my mind. The blame and the burden are way to heavy..... Just all I know is I should follow my intuition and have trouble. Anyone relate in just the slightest?
  4. Aww thank you! No problem! I wanted to help out so bad. Thats all I ever wanted. i'm glad it gave you a sense of peace. That was my goal. nobody should suffer through this. I wish you the best of luck through your journey!
  5. Hey its Kyreem and I am here to try my best to make people here feel better. I will share my story and tell you all how much you guys mean to me and who you guys really are. Last week was one of the worst weeks I ever experienced. Long story short, it made me feel like a major outcast and made me feel alienated. I was wrecked and cried and went off the deep end. Today on my day off I felt stronger than ever. People say that people with depression are not thinking rationally and offer all this advice before knowing you completely. You feel the whole word is against you at times. You feel crazy and insane and feel guilty that you can't just snap out of it. You feel bad about yourself. I begin to believe it. I begin to take all this advice even though it goes against all my instincts and intuition, I take it anyway because I believe my thoughts are irrational. Every time I take the advice I regret it and find out my intuition was always right. All the things people said about me and all the things that society says about me aren't true. I realize this now. I realize I should listen to myself and my heart. It knows whats best for me. I finally feel free from peoples control telling me I should behave this way and that way. Ironically the moment I stopped listening to people was the time I had peace. I had a moment where I didn't have to fight against what my heart was telling me even though everyone believed I was wrong. This is a lot easier said than done but do not listen to anyone who puts you down or doubts you in anyway. Do not listen to the ignorance. People do not know better. They can only see things from their perspective. You guys on here are strong. You been through a lot and you are extraordinary people who had to deal with the odds, the blame, the doubt, the confusion, and the heavy burden of depression. You guys are still here despite if people think we are not dealing with a lot. Its times like these where we should give ourselves a pat on the back. Were just different and sometimes really sensitive like me. It's not a flaw despite what society thinks. Its okay to go against the mold of society and be our own person. Its okay to cry or feel upset for years if a loved one dies when another person can get over it in a week. If you feel like your ugly your not. Society tells us we have to look like a model to feel attractive. Remember that beauty is subjective. Peoples judgements are only their reality and not fact. We all have different realities. Being an empath I can see other peoples perspectives as well and helps me not base judgment on others. Only we can understand ourselves and I don't think anyone has the right to tell us how to run our lives. We can let them in but we can't let them control us. I know all of you have the gift to do great things and show people there is more to us than just sadness. We are complex individuals and are here to stay. Just remember be kind to yourself and take things one step at a time. And all of this is a lot easier said than done. I have faith in each and everyone of you! I won't be disappointed if it takes you a longer time to cope than others. This whole thing is a learning process. I wish each and everyone of you the best!! Love kyreem!
  6. Exelion that was the best post out of anything I have ever read in the history of my whole entire life! It is so true well for me. And Abram I can relate so much to what your dealing with. I can almost feel the pain you are going through. I wish you didn't have to deal with it. Please try to hang in there. You are a very strong individual and worth having on this earth. I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavors!! Kyreem!
  7. No you shouldn't give up. You deserve to live in this world just as much as everyone else. I don't think your crazy. I just think you have a different outlook on life than most people and that doesn't mean you are wrong. I love how you used colors to describe how you view things. You seem very perceptive about the world. I'm like that too. Are you seeing a therapist or talking to anyone you can trust. For me I use a therapist as I can't really confide in my friends but if you do have a friend to confide in that would be great. And about the medication. I had the same views as you and in a way I am very neutral on the matter. I think they help to a degree but they don't automatically cure depression. one time I just felt numb on the effects of the medication and really couldn't feel emotion at all. It was strange. I don't want to hassle you into taking medication but its an option that is available. When you are on it it takes a lot of trial and error and takes weeks to come into effect. Its hard to feel positive when the world treats us so poorly. Society has a lot to work on. Its also hard being a complex person when everyone around you seem "simple" A lot of people don't think as deeply and don't get sucked into the troubles of the world. They kind of overlook it. I heard this advice and you don't have to follow it but sometimes making very simple goals for yourself like doing laundry, doing the dishes, making your bed that day, or doing something a little productive can make you feel better. Then you don't feel as crappy. That is a lot easier said than done. I'm still trying to work at it but I think in the long run it will be very effective. I hope you can find the will to want to live again. Being suicidal is one of the worst feelings one can imagine. I hate when I have them. Its like nothing can fix your mood at that point. I hope there is some hope in your life. You seem like a very smart and nice person who puts up with a lot of trouble from other people. Your strong. To have depression for so long takes a very strong person. There are amazing things about you. i can tell. I hope things get better for you and you can find some peace in life! I wish you the best!! Kyreem!
  8. I am very sorry you are going through this rough time. I could not imagine how you feel. Like others said its good that your thinking what to do with those 10-15 years. You say you want to go to South America which is great! i hope you can reach to that goal or any goal that would be worth it. I hope by the time those years pass by new treatment will be discovered. I can only hope that it comes in time. If i were in that position I would want to see Japan so going somewhere new seems like a great idea. I would probably spend these times with the people I care about and trust most. If you have any hobbies those are always good to get yourself into if you have time. You seem like a strong individual and a very sharp person. I just wish you a happy life even though I don't know you. I care. I hope things will get better for you! hang in there
  9. Haha thanks for the reply, both of you. I will definitely have to read that book! Yeah I wonder if everyone is mad and we are the sane ones. Makes me mad thinking about it
  10. Do any of you guys have the ability to follow your gut feeling and just know that its right. Does your intuition steer you in the right path even though logic might say otherwise. Well i have this ability. I'm also empathetic and can feel certain peoples feelings. but this has kinda diminished over the years as people took it for their advantage. I always seemed to have a different perception of the world than other people. I remember in my younger years while everyone was so busy in their lives I would sit back and look at my own life and go deep inside my brain and try to make sense of everything. I got better and better. Somedays i just thought constantly about the world and myself and tried to understand myself in a deeper level. As i got to high school I felt really different. Like I could tell if something was off or if something bad or good was going to happen. I couldn't explain it but it made me feel lonely. I felt I knew about some things most kids didn't even care about that were really important. I felt like people didn't care about changing the world like I did. I feel like I knew secrets on how to improve society. Later I found out my theory on that was true and it was happening somewhere else in the world. I guess I was deeper than your average kids. I was always seen as dramatic. I seemed to make everything out bigger than it was but to me it was and I could see so many flaws people made and who didn't know what their talking about and who was being honest. Despite all of this everyone was picking out all my flaws and whenever I had something to say they would reject their flaws on me and turn it around. I don't mean to sound arrogant because I'm not but I just know certain things about the world than "normal" people just overlook. it gets me in trouble and makes me feel isolated because my views are so different than other peoples. A lot of times my gut will tell me one thing and it is really strong but don't follow it because other people say things like i'm crazy or talk me out of it. Those are usually always the biggest mistakes I make in life. Later on I found out if I had just listened to my intuition things would of ended better had I not listened to everyone. I guess thats why i sort of hate advice at time. Most advice I hear from people is more destructive than helpful and most peoples advice steer my away from my gut. i always battle if I should listen to myself or give someone the benefit of the doubt. But I feel like this gift made me to the person I am today. Its helped me not give in to worldly temptations such as getting drunk or taking drugs or being mean to people. I have the ability to stand back and look at other peoples shoes and i guess thats where my empathy comes in because I can see things from other peoples points of views. I felt like this is linked to my depression though because it does act as a curse because I don't follow the crowd and leaves me battling everyday if I should just listen to my heart. Does anyone on here have a good sense of intuition and how has it helped or not helped in your life? Kyreem!
  11. Hello its Kyreem again. I'm trying hard to get through this depression. I'm succeeding a little bit but I'm still not exactly sure how to get out of this whole. I mean if it was so easy to just snap out of it I would been out of this 13 years ago. I only had a couple of periods where I felt "normal" but they were really short. The longest I been happy was for a month. The other times I was just numb with no feelings. Its not that I'm not trying as I went through about out about every type of professional help out there and I'm still on medication. There are still things to work on but i really get discouraged when I do try other coping methods or listen to peoples advice knowing full well it won't be as much help for me, things don't get better. There are a lot of times where things will seem like there getting better. I still pick myself back up and try another approach but that fails too. After a while you get tired and it is hard to do things like exercise which I need to do a lot more. And other productive things. My thoughts get stuck and go on a loop sometimes the whole day and I cannot shake them and the harder I try the worse it becomes. but the cycle keeps continuing. Like right now regardless of how I feel now I should just go to the gym right now and work on my paper at this moment. I'm so irritable and so hard on myself and blame myself for not getting better. I then hear comments like Cheer up or if you think positively things will be better or your creating your depression. I mean I know the people are trying to help but its very destructive hearing those things while trying to heal. I put a lot of blame on myself. Then there is the advice. People tell me that its me that causing my depression so i listen to them and believe everyone even though what there saying isn't true. People seem to guilt trip me somehow and I fall for it. I have a great sense of intuition and every time I listen to it things always work out for the best but when everyone seems to say the opposite of what your gut is telling you you can't help but believe them. I get so confused. People tell me to change all sorts of myself if I want to conform with society. I actually like the way I am and hate that I have to change a big part of me to live a "normal" life. I have my flaws which people just love pointing out but then see them ignoring their own advice. My heart is telling me to trust it and I believe that will ultimately give me the peace I need to get through this depression but get so confused when the world wants to steer you in another direction. I can be very sociable, but making friends and keeping friends is a big issue. Eventually they do leave. I guess thats part of how things go I suppose but I can't get out the feeling if my friends are truly my friends. I been severely traumatized from the day I was born up until high school. Every year since I was born I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by people who were supposed to be there for me. I have the worst trouble trusting because I been screwed over by the people closest by me so making friends is a big fear. But I still try anyways. And then later they screw me over. its just hard to get better when everything is so distorted and you don't know whether its you or them or your brain. I hope one day I can get over my clinical depression. Lastly, i do think positively as well. people tell me if I think positively things will get better. I don't think it works like that. When I think positively and have something to look forward to, I'm better but that still doesn't mean I'm gonna be all smiley and sunshine. I just hate that there is so much misconceptions about mental illnesses. It makes coping that much harder. And right now i'm trying to deal with college finals and college affairs on top of this depression. Sometimes I should be easier on myself because I cannot do everything at once. What do you guys think. i know asking this is extremely contradictory to my whole statement. Go figure! Asking for feedback. But i was wondering if anyone else felt this way? Kyreem
  12. Hey Jim thank you for responding. Yes I'm on medication but will need to have them changed. My appointment is in the middle of May. I haven't seen him in like a month and a half. He does like every 2 months. I'm a tad better from that day. I'm improving a little bit but there are still a lot of emotions inside of me. I let myself slip a little in school but now picking things up again. The only person I am really sometimes comfortable in confiding with is my mom but I hate always coming to her for my problems because I don't like being a burden to people. I don't trust people all that much and I do have friends but a lot of them come and go and many don't really understand what is going on. I try talking to tons of them but it always ends up in a fight. I have to keep explaining that its an illness and its not as easy to just get better and try to correct them when they say things like theres always people far worse or to tell me to cheer up. I understand their trying to help but its frustrating. Most of my best times are spent alone but that doesn't mean I don't make an effort to spend time with friends. Every time I do it seems to end horribly though. And I only see my school counselor one every two weeks and see him tomorrow HALLELUJAH! i don't mean to sound negative in this post. i'm still in the process of figuring out what to do to feel happier and do at least something productive. But with finals and depression I'm so exhausted and other things i need to take care of for school. And again thank you for writing back! Kyreem!
  13. Thank you so much for responding! I'm glad I'm not alone in this but sad others are going through it too. I basically have my mom mostly and we get along pretty well. I found out the Facebook is fueling my depression as well so I'm on it less. But I don't have many people I trust lately. I just hope things eventually get better. Especially since its finals. But I'm glad we can all help each other out. I'm glad I found this forum. People are really supportive and helpful. The sad thing is you guys are more supportive than my friends but they don't know what its like so they really can't do much. I hope you have a wonderful day! Kyreem
  14. Sorry for keep posting. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm giving up hope and don't think I can make it another day without being hospitalized or what. For about a month now my mind has been nothing but negative thoughts that would not give me a break. No matter how hard I try to shake them they keep coming back. I was able to get a days break from it by really concentrating but then got too tired trying to focus on other things and then the depression came back twice as strong as before. Its not like not trying to get over it. I'm trying my best. I'm to the point where my brain is over thinking and I just cannot move. I shouldn't keep checking on facebook because it keeps fueling the fire but find myself coming back. I hate it. My emotions are consuming my every being. I just can't let things go. I had this terrible illness since I was 5 and I'm 21 now. Never had a normal life. Never had a healthy childhood or teen years and then when I tried to change everything I found it almost impossible to live like everyone else. I've always been good to people and treated people fairly. I never got drunk or did any drugs. I did what I was told most of the time. I feel like society wants me to change completely but I like who I am. I don't see why I'm the only one who has to change. I reinvented myself countless times over the past because people told me I should this way instead but it made no difference. I get back up and fight the good fight and something knocks me back down over and over. I been at this for 15 years and tired of fighting it. I need a break. On top of all of this I go to school and its about finals week and I have never felt to stressed. My brain is on overload. I'm really trying people. I'm not a quitter but dang I'm so tired. All I feel like doing is crying and sleeping. I've never felt my emotional pain so strong before. I been through countless of therapists and psychiatrist but I need them more often. I just feel sooo alone. I feel dead but I'm alive. I don't want to live but I don't want to die either. I cannot quit now. I'm just so tired that I can't find happiness. There never was a time in my life to where I was "normal" As sad as it seems some of my most treasured thoughts are watching anime and playing Pokemon and drawing. They were the closest to happy I ever was but I just can't spend my life doing everything alone. And how am I supposed to get better if 1000000 people tell me to do this and there all different. I also feel as though people pay too much attention to my flaws and not their own. They like to nitpick at me. I have so much work to do but cannot focus. The more I try not to think of it the weirder I feel. Its a very uncomfortable feeling. Coming here is my last hope. But sometimes I don't think this is all me. I hold myself responsible for a lot and I'm really hard on myself but I do think I have valid reasons for my happiness. Maybe I'm not thinking as clearly but right now I feel like I'm making sense right now. I feel like I should still be myself while the whole world is telling me to change all of this stuff about me. I'm just tired of all the judgements, the stigma, the ignorance, and the unbalance of society. I don't know what to do anymore.
  15. Do not change and follow your heart but find ways to combat it. I'm still trying to figure it out. Its like a parasite that wont let go. I think you have just been damaged too much like I have and gave so much and wonders why the world treats you so harshly. It doesn't sound logical. That the evil always win. Its like what is the point of being good. I do not think its us though. I know that much. I think we've experienced something important few have realized. I just don't know how to look at people in a positive light. Well most people in America anyways. You've been having the same thoughts as me too. Let them rest for tonight and come back to them tomorrow. All I can say is I have never felt someone share the EXACT emotions I've been feeling even though I don't all of what you been through. Its like we share the same pain. I believe you are a very good person. People like you are a reason I'm still here. You give me hope for humanity. And again I wish you best of luck. If you ever need someone to talk to I am always here!! Just try to get some sleep or find anyway to rest. No one should suffer this. Have a very goodnight! Best Wishes Kyreem!
  16. Hey there, I am glad I read your post. I am feeling the EXACT same way. You took the words out of my mouth. I'm struggling because I have no idea if its me or them or what. I have reinvented myself a lot over the years and changed a lot and still life is the same and maybe worse. I did it because I believed it was all me. Whatever I did everything was my fault. I think depression is both us and the environment. I really don't think we have full control. The deeper the depression the less control. I about lost hope for society in general. I've seen the bad in this world and even though I seem negative, I think to think of myself as a realist. Its weird people tell us to change though. I really do. I am starting to wonder why jerks never have to. Its the depressed persons fault they feel that way. But no one hassles the bully. Not ever in my lifetime. Your not alone in this and I feel there are others who feel the same way. I hope you can hang in there a lot longer. No one should have to suffer this alone. I just wish for the night I can make your day go better. I really hate for people to feel this way. I have a lot of empathy for people. Also a curse. The brain is one of the most complex systems in the universe. Of course its not going to be easy to ease out of the grasp of depression. I think people who still are depressed do try and I believe everyone has different ways of coping. To be honest I have no idea what to think anymore. I'm as confused as you. And the anger thing I'm working on. I'm afraid of my own emotions. If I could I wish I could find a way to ease your anger. It consumes everything. Its just hard to think positively when the world beats you repeatedly. Don't feel pressured to change immediately. I know people think its a character flaw but it isn't. Everyone figures oiut how to cope at their own pace. Everyone has a different puzzle to solve. Your just might be harder. I wish you the best of luck and wish I have helped in some way. I wish you a very goodnight and wish you all the strength to get through this too. *hug* Hang in there buddy!! Best Wishes Kyreem :)
  17. Thank you everyone so much who responded to this post. Its means so much. And I am extremely glad people could relate to this. I thought I was the only one. DarkRain- Yes, usually I read a book or play video games and draw to keep my mind off things. Thank you! EastDream- I'm glad you could relate to this somehow so you don't have to feel alone in this. I was saddened that you were going through the same thing. And I agree with what you stated. I hope we can both find the strength to hang in there! Jimbow- Thank you for the post and the remarkable compliment. That means sooooo much to me. I do try to keep on trudging through life. I cannot let myself slip. And being a Social Worker is my passion. I cannot quit now. Even though most days are extremely tough. I am soooo glad you were able to get a little better. And I think it is time I need a change in medication. We will see and thanks again! Govinda- just like East dream i'm glad you could relate to this in some way but sad that your experiencing this too. And thank you so much for the compliments. And I hope those people are out there too for all of us. Starr-Thank you! Its not easy at all and its the worst my depression has gotten. I can't quit because I worked so hard to get myself to this point. I can't give up now. And I think I need a change in medication. i see my psychiatrist on the 15th of may i believe. And thanks again I hope so too. I love each and everyone of you. I hope for the future people will show more acts of kindness and more understanding. I read in a mans story that he traveled to this 3rd world country and was shocked how these people who had so little to nothing were so giving and kind and were willing to make another house for a homeless person in a picture the guy showed them in his hometown. I will never forget the story. There is a sliver of hope left. Best wishes Kyreem!
  18. I'm on the verge of suicide. I been depressed since I was 5 and never had a normal life. From birth to now I have been abused, bullied, mocked, judged, emotionally abused, and so on. I really cannot remember a day where I didn't have depression. I feel like I been trying for so long to get better. I improved a lot over the years and even though it doesn't seem like much its a big improvement for me. I'm trying to cope and find ways to deal with this. I cannot trust anyone anymore because I've been lied to and used so many times. My friends keep leaving me and people are getting sick of me being depressed. They don't want anything to do with it. I really only have my mother who cares. I am very lucky in that sense. I would be wrecked without her. But I have tried for 15 years and I am sick of people saying its you thats making you feel this way. The brain is very complicated and I do need to do more things like exercise more and eat better but I have done everything else. I've been on medication since I was 7. I been through countless number of therapists. I've talked to people about it and that well backfired. No one was there. I mean I do try ways to think positively and I do find positive things here and there like my mom and how I'm on disability and college paid for but I've been so emotionally scarred from day 1 it is hard to look past the bad. I do try I really really do. I hate being accused that this is all my fault. I have been so nice to people so much in life and all I did was give and give and everyone just took from me. I've always been there for people. I've been as fair as I could be. I'm definitely not perfect but I try. Getting out of bed is almost impossible these days, brushing my teeth is a chore, showering is a bigger chore, and even moving is starting to be a chore. I'm just so exhausted from trying to overcome this depression. I need a rest or a break. I'm in college right now and finals are coming up and have no time to take care of myself. I have less and less time with therapist and other professional help. All my therapist keep leaving. I see a school counselor but only see him twice a week now. I'm at my lowest point lately. I feel society is trying to change me and I do like the way I am. I do not hate myself. I am hard on myself but I think I'm a good guy. I feel pressured. I feel like I have to be happy all the time. I don't know where to turn. Running out of options. Anyone feel the same way?
  19. Thank you Sam for being so understanding. Being bipolar can be extremely rough. Thats what I'm diagnosed with too although its mostly been all downs lately. its a very confusing thing to go through. I am sorry for people who have to go through this and wouldnt wish it on my worst of enemies. I'm sorry about your friends as well. Its very tough losing a friend who you thought was a good one. I will be more than happy to talk to you as well and will do my best to help you out as well when you need it. I believe it is nice to help one another out. It helps not feeling so alone in this. I also wish you the best as well. I still feel a glimmer of hope and I hope you do too. :) <3 Kyreem
  20. Hey my name is Kyreem and I am new to this site. I hope everyone is having a good night. Here is my story. I am 21 right now and been severely depressed since I was 5. I have been on medication since I was 7 and been had dozens of different therapists and counselors. I'm currently attending a 4 year University and I'm a PSychology/Social Work Major. I came from a horribly childhood full of abuse. As I was growing up I felt different than everyone. I was always the outcast. I was on the outside looking in. I have always been a nice guy. I have pretty high standards for myself and believe I should always do my best to be a good person. I am very honest, fair, kind, helpful, empathetic, and genuine but I have realized people use me. They use my niceness. Growing up I was always the target and was always bullied. I was just more sensitive than everyone else. No one understood me and at the time I was confused as well. Thought of it as a character flaw. I would be the person to give give give but found out when I needed someone people were not there for me. I have trouble trusting people, because throughout my life people showed there darker side and treated me with disrespect and kept belittling me. I have noticed everyone keeps picking out my flaws as well. I know I'm far from perfect. But People pay too much attention to picking out my flaws then worrying about there own. I start to believe people and their negativity towards me. I start to believe there accusations towards me such as calling me weak or overdramatic or a baby. For me I understand everyone has flaws but I compliment people instead. I understand that we all need to work out things so it doesnt make sense to keep putting others down. Keeping friends has always been the hardest. As i said before I have trust issues. Usually when I make a friend we are usually good for about a month and then when they find out I have depression or when I'm in a low mood they say things like get over it or tell me how its myself and not them and people just keep hammering me with blame. My feelings are never validated ever. I beat myself up because everyone is expecting so much out of me but I cant sometimes. The depression weighs me down. Then me and my friends get in fights because sometimes I am a burden and the only way to be friends is to keep my mouth shut. Anytime I stick up for myself or say what I want to say a fight happens. I'm not saying its always there fault. Sometimes I can snap too but I feel like what I have to say isn't respected. People get hostile with me when I stick up for myself. People use the guilt trip on me or try any tactic they can to make me feel dumb or anything so they can control me. This would not effect me so much but these kinds of stuff happens with about 99.9% of my friends. I make new friends and the cycle continues. I feel everytime something good happens in life something bad follows shortly after. Like after I just recover or heal slightly something else knocks me down. I don't think I'm a weak person, I just been through a lot. Reading this it doesn't seem like I been through a lot and I am very fortunate in a lot of ways but still my life has been trouble since the day I was born. To be honest I cannot remember a time I wasn't depressed. Over the summer was the first time I felt "normal" but my depression came when school started. I really do not know what its like to feel "normal" and I'm quoting that because its hard to define normal but I mean not depressed. I try my best to be reasonable with people and be fair but I learned life is far from fair. The odds seem to be stacked up against me. Sometimes I question being a good person. It seems to do more harm then good. Its like the purpose I was born is to make other people happy but not myself. People tell me all the time that I make them happy. Which is great but once I'm that nice person they expect me to be happy or always be there or always make them smile. I have needs too. I sacrifice my happiness for others. If I don't people get hostile. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I've been on medication all my life but they only seem to help to a degree and I have a therapist now but don't see him as often. I've had a lot of bad psychiatrist and therapist over the years who did me more harm than good. The therapist I have now is pretty good and I like our talks but can't say the same about my psychiatrist. I shouldn't feel sad though. I have a loving mother, somewhat healthy, get good grades in school, financially well. The negatives seem to outweigh the positives most days though. I just wish for once someone will be there for my like I have in the past and hopefully when I'm older run into more mature people who are more caring and understanding. I wish one day that society will change for the better but that might be wishful thinking on my part. Thank you for reading and sorry for the long post. Needed to Vent. Does anyone else feel this way?
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