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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. I have had depression since I was 5, and didn't grow up in the best of circumstances. I have had a lot of unfair unfortunate things happen to me, even now. I just turned 23 exactly a month ago. Haha just realized that! But I hear the quote a lot that life isn't fair. I think we all can agree with that being true but the motive behind people who say this or have this mentality really trigger me. Let me explain. Some people might be well meaning but many times, I feel its a more cryptic way of saying get over it, or to avoid some form of responsibility. I claim responsibility for my depression. I try my best every day to contain it. Some days are easier than others. I try a lot in most things I do. I always want to give my all in everything. To mostly my family and others when they see my depression at its worst assume I am lazy. Sometimes I don't fault them for thinking that as I don't have a job but I am a full time student who does well in college. Usually when I'm out from hiding in my room I am confronted with a whole bunch of high expectations. Usually right after I just "healed" from a depressive episode. I am faced with questions such as why am I unemployed, or people placing guilt on me when for once I'm not always there to listen and drop everything for me, which leaves them manipulating me into thinking I'm being needy when wanting to vent for a minute without judgment because I cant be that perfect person they all mold for me. I get yelled at for even saying no or placing a boundary. Many just act like they didn't hear me. I get really frustrated and disappointed with many people and then I hear the dreaded phrase. "You expect so much out of everyone", after I got done with months of neglecting my needs for them, which them sends me into a "depression coma", where I shut myself off from the world for days or weeks. I feel like my whole life I have to give everyone everything or I am always blamed for being a horrible person, or manipulated, or even blackmailed(kind of). I don't feel like I have a right to be upset when I clearly do, because its just me having a pity party, and if I don't smile 24/7 I'm being selfish because I'm ruining Everyone's time. Even though I smile a lot, which is funny since I have clinical depression. The worst part was, I was discussing why my mother was a lot easier on my sister, and my ones sisters response was, that you are the more mature one and that's what's expected of you, even though I am ridiculed a lot by my own family and make tons of sacrifices. But I make one suggestion and mope its me just expecting too much from others. I'm certainly not perfect and I understand others aren't. And I hate when I gave people benefit of the doubts constantly only for them to turn on me, so it makes it hard to give people those chances nowadays. And before I left for my last semester, I had a list of all the goals I wanted to achieve since then, but got around to none of them. They were certainly achievable goals, but I was a lot more depressed than I anticipated. At first I beat myself up and still do sometimes, but remembered all of the things I accomplished in 2013 and told myself, that I need to take it easier on myself. People certainly don't know me, and I wished they would understand what impact their words and actions have on me, but I know that's not likely so I need to trust myself and my gut, which I have been ignoring for so long!
  2. Thank you for such the kind words Arboria! I feel you can be very useful! You gave me some things to think about. Some of the groups on campus are hit or miss but I have been better at choosing the right group if that makes sense. I'm in a group now and it is pretty well. It is part of my major and I am a writer for one of our campuses websites. I only had two articles so far, but it is nice being around the people with the same ambitions. Yes, I have always been an outcast as long as I can remember. It is definitely a learning experience! With time I have gotten a lot better with it since I'm so used to it. Loneliness is pretty much the norm for me but doesn't affect me as badly as it did before. Its just hard when you face problems like these and you feel alone in it. I feel alone in a lot of trials in my life. Yes I have had a big notorious history for being abused and bullied and did not expect it to be so prevalent in college. Sigh... I have to keep telling myself to breathe and handle things strategically. Good thing there's HULU lol. And thank you! *Hugs back*
  3. Hello DF! I'm back! Ok so this is what happened today. Recently I have had some roommate troubles. I go to a normal sized University and lived in an apartment with 3 other roommates. Well, these roommates were terrible to me. One was an alcoholic and the other was just plain arrogant and rude. Nothing nice ever came out of his mouth. The arrogant one shared a room with me. It was hard. At first I thought nothing of it until it kept going on. He loved belittling me in every way possible and putting me down. He also loved sharing racial jokes but they weren't jokes. He talked about how if he would **** me he would get a way with it since am black and he is white and that I'm the one who is most suspected. This went on for a good 20 mins all a while screaming white power and getting my other roommates to follow along and laugh. At first I though ha ha funny, but then I knew it wasn't just a "joke" And this kept happening all throughout the semester. I kept my cool and was surprised because I do suffer from extreme depression. After a while I decided to confront my one roommate about it in a appropriate manner. This was the alcoholic one. Instead of being reasonable, he accused me of being weak, and told me that I am overreacting and placing all the blame and guilt on me. He never once said sorry or really tried to understand why it affected me. He couldn't wrap his mind around that things effect people differently. He just continued to belittle me more. I was the weak one yet he is the one getting pi** drunk every week coming in the apartment all wasted and telling me all his negative harsh sad stories and all this other drunken nonsense that I had to put up with. It was bad enough that I previously handled the situation poorly by supporting his drinking by giving him rides. I stopped of course. I didn't help that he was already charged with a DUI. I still feel terrible for that. I do poorly in uncomfortable situations. He though has a knack to manipulate you very well. Well that last party he threw was the last straw. He decided it was a good idea to give me a little shove and tell me to man up. I had enough of him trying to get me to "be a man" or drink beers which I hate, or do "manly stuff." I'm just me. I don't buy into hyper masculinity. And I couldn't just go to my room since the WiFi did not work in there and was doing work among other things online so I was just trying to mind my own self but was bugged by my roommates. Well I went to the school and they were able to get me an apartment change. I told the Reslife all about the situation and they said they would take care of it. I still have yet to see. The apartment I am in now is a lot better and I have my own room now and I can recharge my batteries a bit better. But things were necessarily better which led me to posting this. But even in the process of moving I was bullied further by my one roommate. Luckily I didn't stoop to his level. I got better at controlling my emotions and the way I react to things so I let him say what he needed to say. He continued to call me names, say that I deserved being bullied, and said that I was overreacting, and of course that I was a *****. But the thing that made me mad is I feel I got the most punishment out of this. I go and look at my school account and it says I owe about 1500 dollars more for changing apartments. First of all I don't really have this kind of money. I will have to give in and pull out my loan but this will prolong my hold on my account so I can't schedule for classes and It will make it that much harder for me to succeed financially. The worst part is I'm doing so well in school and it is the best I have done academically. Also it is the best I have death with my depression as well. The sad part is I'm always expected to listen to everyone else's issues or deal with peoples issues that they dump on me, but if I DARE say I need to vent or point out a problem, I am considered weak, or selfish, or they get mad. All of this pressure has been hard on me and I finally got to a place in college that I love and love my new major now. I feel like all the hard work I built for myself is slowly being ruined due to many injustices I have faced. The worst part is my roommates won't probably face any consequences while I do. Lastly, it doesn't help that my newly prescribed medication was also stolen or the mental health organization illegally stopped contact with me without a notice or reason and caseworker never showed up to last appointment without a notice.. I am doing the best I can but cannot seem to go forward....
  4. Yeah that is true. I knew that part already but I appreciate you taking the time to help. Right now I'm thinking about suicide and I just want to go for it. I have never felt this scared and down before and it feels like its me against the world at this moment.
  5. Hello fellow people! its been a while since I posted. I felt better for a little bit but now here I am but life is starting to feel like one big nightmare that I would do practically anything to get out of. Last year was the worst year for me. Despite it being the worst I believe I have learned the most from that year. The thing I learned is that you can never win. I have been constantly in a struggle of if you do your dammed and if you don't your also dammed. Everything I always do is wrong, I can never be just let be without someone on my case trying to control a certain part of my life. I have people telling me to do this and others telling me to do that. And i do one of them and get yelled at by the other side and I'm just trying the best I can in my life and get judged all the time. I treat people with a ton of respect but somehow it seems people treat me worse when that happens. I'm either too nice or too mean, too social or too quiet, too into my studies and not fun enough or vice versa. Its stressful. No one bothers to even see what I have been going through because it has been a constant struggle. I just want to please myself. Its hard when you hear their voices and even when you are minding your own business they go out of their way to insert their opinion as fact and just constantly put you down. Then there are liars and I have had my fair share of them. My sister is a compulsive liar and so was my one roommate. The worst part is they are able to turn every situation into my fault and get me in trouble. I really don't feel like many people take responsibility for their actions. I have no problem admitting doing something wrong. I'm human. Not superman. I have had so much people lie to me that it is hard to trust people and growing up with one since birth well it really wears on you. And no matter how i view people I'm always too trusting or i'm always too reserved. I can never win. I can never get people to leave me alone and stop being so judgemental. My therapist kept asking me why what people say bothers me and he didn't get my explanation. Its more of its lonely and isolating when all your life you are never in the popular opinion and feel ostracized for being different. I finally got to a point in life where I do like who I am it is really hard hearing these things constantly. Its also hard watching the people who don't have good intentions be viewed as saints while sincere people get screwed over and looked down upon. I try to live fairly but I know people like my sister and my roommate along with many other people who play life like its a game and practically cheat lie manipulate to get ahead. It really sickens me. And lastly I have the whole society issues. I feel like I have to be something or molded to fit into a proper box. I always ask why can't I just be myself and people are like you can its ok its good to be different. So I do be myself and I am different and do things a little differently and people always start trouble with me. I really cannot win. And having severe depression on top of this is hard and going to college full time, have decent grades, and having a job 8 hours a week on top of it is extremely overwhelming. I was the type of person who never quit but I wish people were realistic and could understand that I need a break from all of this. And despite all my successes that i am very happy about someone out of the blue has to pick out something else to criticize me for. I can never be good enough. Its like all my efforts are in vain.
  6. Thank you so much Tungsten Aromatics! Your compliment means a lot to me! And I will try! Thank you again!
  7. Oh and I was trying to do that part of taking a step back and trying to discover more of myself but most people saw it as a weakness and I would have to take a quick break from University to be able to do that. I gave in and stayed. i'm still regretting it. Because I know I need to do that.
  8. I will definitely have to check it out. Thanks for the suggestion! I can try my best to answer these. I mean I used to feel worthless but I feel pretty good about myself despite being severely depressed. I'm kind of confused on the second question sorry :/ I just want to feel like a have a connection or bond with a person. I just want to feel like I belong with the rest of humanity. Its hard to connect with others. And I rarely can achieve this sadly. I'm still looking but growing tired and just want my alone time again for a while until I fully recharge.
  9. Thank you Epictetus so much! I always love your posts and responses. They always make me feel better. Yeah i have been trying too much than I can handle and need to take a breather. I will make note not to beat myself up. I am usually very hard on myself. Again thanks for the response and take care!
  10. I wish I could help post on others posts but can barely help myself at the moment so I do hope I can at some point and contribute. Ok way past my boiling point and the stress is immense. I feel like everyone expects so much from me. This year has been the hardest year I ever had to endure. From the very first day in January pretty much things just planted south. Right now I am trying my best to be happy and trying my best to be patient calm nice hardworking and I have all up to this point and it is seriously to much to handle. People expect me to be happy 24/7. I feel so much pressure because people literally crave it. if I am not happy its like I committed the ultimate sin. I put just about everyone first before myself and help out everyone as much as I can. I am always there for others. Even if people are super hateful to me. I try to be respectful and calm but lately being reasonable and respectful makes things worse. People use my kindness for granted. They literally use me until I am out of energy. I feel trapped as well. The second I stand up or be assertive or say no I get the hardest time from people. Its like I cannot do anything for myself without a huge conflict. I know try to keep my personal life to myself and do not trust anyone basically. Its hard to open up since I have been hurt so many times in the past to even count. People come up to me and tell me whats wrong or say they will listen and be there and say you can trust me and all of that. And I tell them no. I say its not a good idea and they keep pressuring me. So I finally spill thinking maybe this one person might be someone to confide in. About 99.9% its the hugest mistake ever. They do not listen to a word I say. They judge, the spout out useless advice, they say things that they think are trying to help and I tell them its not helpful and they get all mad and then things go downhill from there. I have two friends right now that are really pressuring me to open up. but I just cannot go through that again. it happens constantly. And on top of all of this I am a college student. I show up to every class get good grades and do what I can do. Things have gotten so bad I can barely do the work but still get good grades. My depression has actually gotten so bad I cant watch tv or play video games because my mind is racing so fast that it is impossible for me to absorb information or pay attention. I'm trying to read this book and it is impoosible. I have tried to read it like 3 times and cannot contain any information. I do have disability but i really dont know if they can do anything about my depression situation. I also see a counselor on campus but some times he makes things worse. i know he is trying to help and he is kind but I know were not on the same page sometimes. I also have a psychiatrist but he treats me with no respect and doesn't help at all. my mom refuses to listen to me about him. I do all of this and people still expect so much from me. The sad thing is I hear from my counselors and psychiatrists that I expect so much from other people. When i heard that I felt hurt and shocked because I told my counselor I felt like everyone expects so much from me and he was only worried about how I expect a lot from other people. I have tried being patient calm and reasonable with people. perhaps too reasonable and I am still treated with a lot of disrespect. Its like no matter what choice or move or some type of fix to my life nothing changes. I have tried and I am really hurt that people are like try harder. If only they knew.
  11. Thank you guys very much for your replies! I will keep looking over them as references to look back on! Cheers!
  12. I have been very misunderstood as of late. but here is the message i wrote him "I'm sorry for everything. No one knows how hectic things are. I know for a 100% fact I should not be in school tomorrow. I need to check in a psych hospital i am that bad. I really don't know how much longer I can make it. Everything is happening so fast. I'm overwhelmed and stressed. You are never a backup friend. I guess I didn't need that today. My depression is so bad I am getting physically sick and weak. It doesn't just effect my brain but everything else too. And all the help I am supposed to be getting from professionals aren't being met when I am having to pay for them. I cannot talk to a friend about depression anymore because I cannot make or get anyone to understand. You just cannot understand it unless you really have it. I had it for 16 years. And everyday I question the willpower to make it through another day." He is a really nice guy and an amazing person. it just hurts him saying this. I mean I didn't hangout with him as much as I thought I would of but said i would hang out with him a lot before school started but never knew how busy I would of gotten. its been the most busiest time of my life. Socially anyways. I do feel bad and I hope we can start over. I just cannot hang out as much as I used to. I'm not mad at him at all but I do hate explaining reasons why i do the things I do. This has been the most hardest year and the most hardest month in my entire life. I have no support from anyone at the moment except one good friend but I hate always going for her for advice and I shouldn't always put her through that. She says she doesn't mind but she has been so good to me. I need to take her out to eat or something lol. But yeah this stigma about depression and how it is hard to explain is starting affect me and how I don't have any support except that one person. I would see another therapist or psychiatrist but my mom does everything in her power to control me and tell me to deal. She has so much control over me it is ruining me. I wanted to be hospitalized like 3 times and she tried her best to stop me all 3 times. I never went. But I know it is that severe. And tomorrow i start school. i'm just lost.
  13. Thank you Ellemint, that means a lot! I hope so too!
  14. Ellemint I agree. I do try to be careful and before I assume try to see if its the depression thats contributing to it. I have been having a lot of painful events occur lately. I had more occur just this year than any other year. Most were really tough realizations though and encounters with really untrustworthy dishonest hurtful people.
  15. No you weren't a waste of time and thanks for writing I appreciate it! The funny thing is just over this summer I have learned to let go of these ideals and accept myself more. i still struggle sometimes with trying to fit in with society but I am a lot better than before. I don't mind that I'm different it just makes things a little more difficult. And this was the exact advice that you wrote right here that I have been following this summer and it has helped a great deal. Like today a lot of negative stuff happened and am still devastated. but i can tell you I am better than what I was before. I'm still improving learning new ways to cope. Don't apologize. Sorry if my post seemed snappy. Was really frustrated that day. Oh and if you don't mind me asking, what country are you from?
  16. Aww thank you for the post! I really like the quote! The more I accept I'm an outsider the happier I am than trying to fight it. Thank you!
  17. Hey I am originally known as Drstrange18 as some of you remember me. Can't access the account anymore :/ Well I don't even know where to begin actually. I have been hearing a lot on here that depressed people have a distorted view on reality and often are irrational. Hearing that has probably got to be the most confusing thing to me and makes my depression even worse. I'm not perfect by a long shot and make a lot of mistakes. I own up to them and try to fix them. I remember doctors parents friends would think I thought irrational but I never thought so. Well I don't think so now. I think its did way more harm than good for me to "try" to think rational in society standards. Its like everything I do is wrong. I can't be right I have depression. He has depression so he can't think straight. All my life I have had people underestimating me. Feeding me wrong advice telling me I can't when I knew I could judging me. Giving me a hard time because they thought I didn't think "clearly" and thought they knew what was best for me. My psychiatrists down the road all think with this mentality. The thing is every time I ignored what they said and followed my gut I found out things worked a lot better. A whole lot better. Yes I do have an illness but I don't think just because I have one my views are distorted. I will admit I do have some biases on the world do to my very negative experiences but it is MY perception. Its hard to see the world in a positive light when over again it was surrounded by negatives. There are some positives and I hold on to them very much but I don't think thats enough. This sounds extremely confusing so I will make this a little more clearer. I know most will agree that depressed people don't think straight but I just don't think that applies to everyone. I really try to look for positives but its hard. I feel like i'm going insane. A part of me still believes that I'm insane and have no idea what I am talking about while my gut says I should have faith in myself and it has never failed me before. I feel like I'm in a psychological thriller where I don't even know whats real anymore. Its just the only thing I trust anymore is my gut. But everyone gives me a hard time when I follow it telling me I'm taking the wrong path or I'm not thinking straight. So i listen to them and regret it. I am currently in therapy and have a psychiatrist who does more harm than good. I need to find a new one before I explode. Sorry if this post was confusing. I couldn't explain it neatly. I'm just sick of the one always having to change change change and better myself while I see the people who judge doing nothing and ignoring their flaws. It angers me to no end. I just don't there is only one correct perspective of the world which is it being positive. Maybe its because 2012 has been my hardest worst year in my life and so much negative stuff has happened in all of a short time. And on the record I been severely depressed since I was 7. I'm 21 now. Its like its all I know.
  18. Wow... I thought I was the only one who shared this trait. I am an empath and very sensitive and intense emotions are usually too much to handle. Its like all emotion is intensified x10. I'm sorry your going through the same thing. I wish i had advice for you since I'm trying to figure it out myself but want to let you know your not alone and I hope you get through it as well as I do. The sad thing is there is a huge stigma on this which makes it so much worse. people just think were weak. I think it just has to do with anxiety and the heightened level of emotion taking in all at once. its a lot to deal with.
  19. Well a year but it still doesnt seem like a lot of time and I only see mine one every 2 months :/
  20. My old pdoc setup my meds to be as safe as possible for pregnancy. I LOVED him, but we moved. Now this pdoc wants to take me off everything, which i know will just have me in the hospital, again. Oh gosh thats not good at all and sounds really dangerous. I would try to switch asap. We should never have to feel that low. I feel like I need to switch before its too late. I feel like these psychiatrist have been messing with me. I been having bad psychiatrist one after the other and they all just leave within 6 months :/
  21. Sheepwoman he is supposed to handle just my meds and I have a separate psychologist who is wonderful and we click fine. My psychiatrist however won't stay on topic and swarms me with these huge lectures. And I really hate the way he cuts me off and tries to turn things around making me look dumb. But yeah I'm thinking of changing.
  22. Riftara: Some meds could be harmful to the embryo/fetus but I would ask him about it on why he says that. He should hopefully fill you in on his reasonings. If not then yeah I would change but regardless do what you feel is best too. I am in the process of thinking about switching. Best luck to you and your pregnancy! :)
  23. And sheepwoman we don't click at all. I kept saying that to my mom but she insisted I still give him a try. He almost made me cry last time.
  24. Thank you guys! I was thinking of changing too but its so hard to find pdocs around here. I have to go an hour out of my way to see mine. And then my mother tries to control all my medical stuff even though I'm 21. I might search online to see if there are any in my area.
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