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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. Thanks you everyone for the supporting comments! I guess I am not as alone in feeling like this.
  2. My issue is no one really believes me. It is in my head, I'm overreacting, or too sensitive and emotional. Even if I were these things, it is still my reality. My issues keep getting brushed under the rug and minimized. I am constantly invalidated. I say I'm a survivor of child abuse and no one bats an eye. It is like that isn't a thing to be upset over. I just have people preaching at me with quick fixes. I think it is easier to put a band-aid on something then actually treat it. I been through treatment. At this point in my life I feel let down. People who were supposed to care for me let me down and tell me I'm just making a huge deal out of everything. I just want someone to believe me. A lot of the stuff that happens to me are more covert so I can't really prove any of it or tell someone. I'm tired of the pills, the constant coping practices, the lectures, the platitudes, the hopeful promises that never came, and me trying to get past it only to be back at square one. Most of all I'm tired of it all being on me. No one ever says sorry or looks at anything in my perspective. I hate being accountable over things I have no control over. II personal feel like there were a ton of victim blaming in my experience withing the mental health industry and from "loved ones"." This all makes me feel bitter and indifferent towards everyone. I really hate feeling this way.
  3. No Fizzle, you are spot on. You were right the whole time. I'm not sure I would have come to this revelation without your help and support along with the other members of this board. You and my counselor were the first to talk about PDTD relating to my issues leading me to piece the pieces to the puzzle. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I feel both relieved to figure out the source but I'm not sure I can look at anything the same. I'm just really confused. Very dehumanizing. Good word. I had no idea you had some similar issues with your mother. I just knew you suffered from severe trauma. I couldn't imagine you going 35 years before you realized. That makes me extremely sad. I'm very sorry. I am very fortunate for the internet. It is nice to have a community of people who understand each other. I hope your doing ok! Sorry it took me so long to respond.
  4. I tend to listen to music if I'm really bad. Music has usually always helped me. I also do deep breathing sometimes until my heartrate is normal. When I dissociate from all the stress I try to get myself grounded by touching the environment and taking in what's around me. I hope you can find relaxation methods that work for you!
  5. You don't have to talk about her. I'm really glad you have your mom to talk to. My next step is to find a therapist who specializes in trauma.
  6. Thank you! I hope so. I have learned a great deal about myself upon learning about it. I'm hoping to use it to get out of the pattern I have been in. I feel like I'm caught in a whirlpool and keep getting sucked under while trying to escape.
  7. Thank you Jules! I keep trying. I fail a lot along the way. The self improvement thing is exhausting and hard. You are right about that. Lately I realized there are a lot of things I need to change within myself as well and it is hard to break certain habits and thought patterns. I'm glad I have places such as here and other places online that I can look for towards support to assist me along the way. I really agree withyou on the most difficult things to obtain are the most valuable. I draw and I can easily apply that philosophy in the quality of my artwork and college too. I just feel scared through this all. This whole revelation has me in this weird place. I hope you were able to escape from your toxic family member. I may have to stay here just a little long but hope to break from her clutches soon enough. Thank you for listening
  8. Thank you Teddy! It is confusing and it messes with my head. I'm really sorry you been through the same...
  9. I have been inactive on this site for a while finishing up college and taking a break to recharge after I graduated. I have come to realize my mom may be a narcissistic parent or at least toxic and has greatly affected my childhood and adulthood. A lot of the pieces to the puzzle started to fit together once I realized this. A lot of what I know now has me confused, empty, angry, relieved I may not be as crazy as everyone made me out to be, hurt, and drained. My mom never let me grow. She never let me make mistakes, make my own decisions, be my own person. She smothered me with her undying love. She used me for emotional support and was always bitter at the world. I grew up catching some of my moms traits and wondered why . Her negativity rubbed off on me. I could never contront her or diagree as that was talking back. There were no healthy boundaries. My needs and wants were not respected so I grew up trying to please everyone. No one ever believed me when talking about my mom or the things that affected me. Everything was always in my head. Now i understand it did go through traumatic and toxic experiences at home. This is leaving me angry and completely alone. The doctors would usually take my moms side and my mom came off as a saint to everyone. I was labeled with MI before I could even ride a bike and that label was used against me ever since. Everyone knew how to fix me and told me I should be grateful for everything I have. I always beat myself up and was incredibly hard on myself. So many situations were projected onto me. No, I was not emotional mature enough for a lot of situations. Given my upbringing I know why. I'm not equip to handle many things people my age should. I feel so pathetic. I feel so stunted. Yeah, I know what to do now, but I have to jump through so many hurdles because i have to re-teach myself how to be a person again. I lost my identity and my ability to express my needs, wants, and advocate for myself. All I get is blame. After knowing all of this I still feel crazy and completely alone. No one believes me. Who in the hell do I even turn to with something like this. I'm too afraid to escape my household because of my mom. I just want to die. The mom I thought I had was just an illusion behind the scenes to raise herself up. I'm so exhausted. I know... get a job and life will magically get better. Meet friends that support you, go get help and all the freaking useless advice I heard without the regard that I have diligently done each. No one understands realizing everything you were taught was a lie.
  10. I don't rhink I have any insight that I know to help but I just wanted to say I'm very sorry you are going through all of this. It is hard to lose a parent. Especially one who you had a bad relationship with. And now living in a house that brings up bad memories. Both posters above me seem to have good advice. Best luck in whatever decision you chose.
  11. It's ok. Every second of my life. All echoes of things mentioned, implied, or directly or indirectly said to me. I mean they must be true if I comstantly get the same messages. No matter how much I succeed or accomplish I could always be doing more or doing it better. Or everyone else has dealt with the situation better than I have. I always think I'm a psychopath because life has gotten me so angry and bitter. How does one even get self worth from themselves anyways? You try and apparently you are insane for thinking your an ok person. I have MI. I will let society, doctors, family, friends, statistics, and the freaking DSM decide who I am since nothing I convince myself of will change anyone's outlook on me. Sigh :/
  12. Man... That really hit home. It seems you are dealing with so much at the moment. From what I've read it seems like there is a lot of pressure for you to be something you're not and it is frustrating you. It is a really tough situation and hard to get out of when you are in for so long. I hope you can find it in you to do what you want despite what other people are telling you. I'm also sorry to hear you don't have many people to turn to. I believe the DF is a great place for people to cinally get a chance to open up and share with others who would be more likely to understand. I could imagine serving in the Army left you that way. I'm not exactly sure on the specifics on your experiences in the army but I know there are forums specifically for vets out there. I never was in the army so I'm not going to pretend I know what it is like. From reading your post, you strike me as someone who has a lot to offer and has just keeps get surrounded by people who aren't so deserving of you. You still care about those who may hurt you. I share a lot of your worldview on what you wrote. It isn't easy to bring up to other people. What you said about being afraid your shrink would put you back in a psych ward if you told them the truth holds very true with me. I always wish some outsode force would end me to. I keep going despite it all. I'm glad you're still here though. I wish I was more of a help to you. Im in a really bad place too. I hope you find what you are looking for. -Icarus :)
  13. Xomi, I can relate with the gaming aspect. I'm a big gamer and have interest in other things not popular for my age. I ceel ashamed and try and enjoy what everyone else does. Like you said, those games give me an escape from reality for a little bit. I'm not even obsessive and play for like 2-5 hours a week. It is odd that I would give up such a thing because it is seen as very unproductive. I think as long as you aren't addicted, it can be a great stress reliever and has helped me. I'm sorry your friends left you though. If I may ask, how old are you?
  14. Xomi, I can relate with the gaming aspect. I'm a big gamer and have interest in other things not popular for my age. I ceel ashamed and try and enjoy what everyone else does. Like you said, those games give me an escape from reality for a little bit. I'm not even obsessive and play for like 2-5 hours a week. It is odd that I would give up such a thing because it is seen as very unproductive. I think as long as you aren't addicted, it can be a great stress reliever and has helped me. I'm sorry your friends left you though. If I may ask, how old are you?
  15. Thank you Wrenn for your reply. I found it very genuine. I'm dealing with cptsd, depression, tourettes. I'm graduating college tomorrow, I lost a friend yesterday. My mom is sick in the hospital. I probably had the most successful year but I still feel extremely low. I'm apparently not allowed to be myself or be honest. I just stared at a wall all day after packing. Im to numb to even watch tv or even eat a meal.
  16. Gsolar:Thank you for the message. Simple but effective. Ironically, people only stick around when I wear the mask. Being me seem to warrant being completely alone. At this point wearing the mask just isn't worth it anymore. That may mean I face a lot of hostility and further head games. I have to start living me life for me. Despite if it makes other people angry. Lacewing: I am definitely dropping this friend. She does not make me my better self. She is constantly full of drama that she created and comes to me and vents about this guy who treats her like crap. She stays with him anyways. I support her and make her feel like her feelings are valid. I told her yesterday that she seemed absent when we were talking and I could barely get a word in. I really told her how it makes me feel. She said I don't cant to have this conversation and left. This was the last time I had to spend with her since I'm graduating college. I didn't think that was fair to leave things like that. Hi Xomi! I'm sorry you're struggling. It teally does hurt when loved ones leave us. Most people I encounter are self absorbed so I'm not missing out on much I suppose. I have a couple of alright friends I will spend more time with instead. I'm glad you have people who listen. Right now I need some space from others without pressures to socialize for a while.
  17. Thank you LaurynJcat! I hope I'm able to find these people in the future. Putting on a mask and wearing a front really eats at me. :/
  18. Thanks Fizzle. At least I can count on you consistently. I hurt way too much right now.
  19. I'm meant to be alone. I can't do this anymore. I bottle everything up, constantly. Today I let my frustrations out and a friend said she had enough and left me without much of an explanation. As long as Im happy and giddy people stay around me. The moment I display frustration, sadness, anger, pain, no one wants anything to do with me. I put on a front to keep others around in return of completely losing my identity. Everyone who forced me to smile 24/7 you ruined me. My soul. My identity. My very being. I graduate college in 2 days and just want to off myself after. I can't look forward to a future where I'm forced to always be happy and compliant. I'd take death anyday...
  20. You're welcome! I hope you find enjoyment out of it as well as relate to some of the character :)
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