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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. I think I'm just done trying to think day in and day out of what to do to get better. its always a matter of pushing yourself and trying again and again and getting back on your feet. I am the type of person who a lot of times pushes myself over the limit. I try place so much blame on myself because I simply cannot get better. Then coming from people who have depression tell you just to get help. What the hell does that mean. Really!???? I have had "professional" help since I was born. I'm 23 now. I was on too many meds to count. Went to too many therapists case workers tss workers and all of those than I can remember. I have always gave them an effort. Until about a few years ago when those systems failed me WAY too many times and made me ALOT worse. One facility which is the only one around here for meds is probably the most twisted, corrupt, money hungry, joke of a system I have ever imagined. i have been hospitalized twice but that made things even worse. Its hard to miss college classes. The last time i was hospitalized it cost me my semester and so much more. I switched and I tried new options and tried new things. Although i made a lot of progress since a few years ago there isn't a day that goes by where the depression isn't in the back of my mind. I'm told that its all in my head its just my thinking, or that i need to try even harder but I just freaking want to rest. I am tired of tackling on the same issues i had at childhood. I had a really terrible upbringing effecting my childhood greatly leaving me now with a lot of complicated decisions and situations. I'm just so tired. Would it **** anyone if I could just be upset for one day. I hate having to put on a façade or prove myself or keep my mouth shut to avoid conflict. I have been through so much and hardly give myself a break and always blame myself. I'm sick of empty promises. I am sick of people giving me anymore suggestions that will leave me even further down in the depths of misery. For once i just want to stop blaming myself and actually place that blame outward. idk I just don't care anymore. But all i will get from this is get more help when i cant even trust a soul anymore. or that I'm not thinking clearly. I give up....
  2. Ouch! This is painful to read because I can relate to it a lot. I'm terribly sorry you are going through such a rough and complicated cycle. I'm only 23 but I'm also a college student and never had a car and only had one job. Its hard being around others who make you feel less than what you really are. I have to keep telling myself that. What helped/helps for me was someone told me that other people don't know what you have been through or what struggles you endured just to get where you are. Obviously you achieved something! You say you are a Grad Student. That is HARD work for anyone really. You are smart in coming here for support and you are trying to help someone despite your fears. Those are some great accomplishments! And for those who aren't supportive, dismiss them. At most take their advice into consideration but you always have the option to discard them. They aren't you and I'm pretty sure they don't know about your hurdles. Some people have good intentions but only you can make those big decisions. And don't feel bad about it. Even if your decision fails just try and learn from them. You don't owe anyone anything! Not even an explanation. So if they laugh at you for your speech laugh back internally of how inconsiderate they are. All of this is a LOT easier said than done and I'm sorry for offering advice as well. You can dismiss all of it. I just hope you can find peace with it! Also if you have a day you feel like absolute crap just feel it. And no one should challenge that. Its better than to suppress those emotions. And as for anxiety, that is hard. I am dealing with it too. I still use the example of remembering the things I went through to help comfort me if I do something "awkward". People are always so quick to judge so basically it is their flaw. Sucks though :( Your friends don't seem that supportive either and maybe its not so bad you are being avoidant because being around that type of negative energy is never good. and here I am still lecturing! But ultimately I hope things go better for you! And lastly are your meds if taking any, sleeping habits, and/or eating and level of activity ok? They could effect things to. Its also VERY hard to manage them when you feel like crap everyday. Try and take it easy and be kind to yourself! You deserve at least that :)
  3. I hope I reach that point. most likely I will. I think I'm just burnt out. I have been working extremely hard tackling this depression and made really nice efforts. I still have the part of depression that still makes you feel unmotivated and sluggish. Hopefully that gets better also. I cannot thank you enough for your help and care. I am beyond grateful and hope I didn't seem like I was talking in circles. This period of time sure has had the biggest changes. Just have to adjust hopefully. I hope you are doing well and it is great to have such great support on here!
  4. This is probably very pretty accurate. Oh trust me I hate anything dramatic even though I my personality can be a bit "dramatic" but I dont like being around drama or creating it. I'm a very expressive person lol.
  5. Wow... whoever thought righting this fake article would be funny is one twisted human being...
  6. This is so crazy! my mind doesn't know what to think. I'm not sure if it will work or not but the whole idea seems big!
  7. Hey guys! I was going to respond earlier but I was just too exhausted too. I'm still really tired. I enjoy reading your guy's responses! A lot of the issues I addressed in the first post are almost all resolved. Oddly enough I should feel extremely happy about it but I'm just meh. I could still be picking everyone's energy still and I can just be a bit down or meh for no reason at all. Most times it would come from anger or resentment or frustration. I don't feel them as intensely at all which is a HUGE accomplishment but I still feel empty. I am just exhausted and semi apathetic but I'm not really angry or even upset really. I might just be also bored with where I'm at it my life. This is technically my 5th year in college counting the one year at a Tech School. I have every intention though of finishing by bachelors degree in the college I am now though.
  8. Okay guys. I'm experiencing a mini panic attack. maybe i should have added this in but since most people don't deal with it, it wouldn't make much sense. I am an extremely sensitive person. And not just with feeling sad or depressed. I feel everything at such a heightened level, especially sounds. ESPECIALLY, sounds. Its hard being at a college where there is so much noise or so much going on, that I literally lose myself. I take a risk anytime I watch a show, movie, or listen to a sing. Depending on what I'm listening to OR watching can greatly affect how I deal with certain situations. If I'm thinking peacefully and a very dramatic tense song comes on, I get very tense immediately. I can go from ok to depressed just by thinking of a single thought. This has less to do with thinking patterns and more with emotions. I identify as an empath. At nights like these I get so drained. It explains why I cant achieve at my highest level and beat myself up. I beat myself up because I know I could do better but subconsciously something is saying take it easy. And recently I have been doing a lot and been on things but now knowing the pattern, it always leads to my demise. I do too much which is considered the average amount a usual student does in a day. I usually end up doing well and excelling very well but get screwed in the end. And when I am better I use up all that energy helping others so I have no energy left for me. I have been shaking and "weak" I feel so drained now. These feelings that keep happening are strange, complex, and create situations for me where I am nearly paralyzed. It sucks this will just seem like something all in my head to most people so its discarded. I had depression for 16 years and I know this part for sure isn't in my head. Its one thing where I'm positive in.
  9. Thank you StoniumFrog! You really helped me a bunch starting this semester. its getting easier. So thanks!
  10. 16-bit you are so spot on! You have nothing to be sorry of. You provided great suggestions. Thank you! It seems like you learned a lot through the experience at college. Its always nice to learn from experiences and grow and see that growth from a different perspective than before. It is interesting. Life is interesting indeed. Now looking back, other semesters I got so bad I had to constantly have support and even hospitalized two semesters. I also had bad suicidal thoughts. Now I don't really have suicidal thoughts and haven't really had the need to have half of the help I needed before. I still have very hard days and others I feel like giving up, but I did come a long way I suppose.
  11. Aww thank you! I appreciate those words! I'm really sorry you feel so lonely. It is one of the worst feelings. I feel it too most days. That would be very hard being away from all those familiar people. Takes a strong, independent and quite confident person to do that! Yes! I always forget about the positives that happen each day. I can have a bunch of positives and one negative and I will just be thinking about that negative all day. Its such a twisted condition. I had to remind myself not to be so hard one myself These are definitely great lessons! Thank you! Its nice sharing stories with others, giving us new ways of handling situations. :)
  12. OMG! I loved Tuesday's with Morrie! Sad though but a good read! I have been doing a bit better. I didn't beat myself up as much while also getting more involved with my work. I didn't do the best on my quiz today but I used that as a learning lesson. I still freeze when talking to others and feel empty sometimes but I have been getting better. I appreciate all your replies! It meant a lot to me! Why were you slipping, may I ask? You seem like you had many years of experience. I like talking to various different types of people because I find out a whole bunch more about the world. And yes, it definitely wasn't easy getting to this point. I made so much progress in a years time it is baffling. I hope to make more in the coming years. I know right now there is a roadblock in my way. All I can say is I'm not ready to pass it yet, but I hope to soon. I will have to look into The Tao of pooh & Tse of Piglet hehe
  13. Both StoniumFrog and iris, I thank you very much for your posts. I felt really emotional reading both. I felt saddened. I am very harsh on myself and won't let myself be free. I mimic the things said by others in my head all day long and then take it all to truth. I beat myself up because I cant give my all but doing so only makes it worse. I like what you said about children laughing and fart jokes. I am naturally optimistic and easy to please and enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes I feel bad for having a good time because I'm too busy beating myself up. I have been slowly getting back to enjoying my hobbies which is a big step since I was so apathetic. It keeps me sane a bit. I am better than I was before but fear has taken over so much that I'm so overwhelmed. But thank you both! maybe from here I can move on :)
  14. Aww thanks for sharing! Yes, your story seems similar! It seems like you were able to reflect a bit from it and seemed like you learned a lot about yourself in the process! Yeah, it definitely isn't easy being a student in college with depression. I have been taking only 4 classes from the start. Some days I feel embarrassed but know I'm doing a smart thing by taking care of my needs as well. I wish the quiet people had a Sims icon above their head so I know haha :P Well lets hope for the both of us to make it through with flying colors!
  15. Thank you again! Its so nice coming from a teacher who has seen some of the things mentioned above! That is some great advice I will definitely take into consideration. I usually always end up preforming well (above average) but I beat myself up because I'm not able to give my 100% or even 80%. I should be more forgiving of myself which IRONICALLY, would help me be able to give a little bit more of my all. I came from a family where I was thought of the "smart one", and it was considered uncool or I was always a smart alec. My sister would always tease me for asking questions in class. I still do ask a bunch of questions, but get those awkward stares from everyone or a "did he just ask that" from a professor, which makes me want to disappear. I feel this is harder in a big lecture room which most of my classes are in. I do ok in normal sized classrooms. I hate having near 200 students looking at me at once. O_O I still really do enjoy learning and crave it actually. I learn in different ways and I'm a bit slower of processing information, but once I have it, I do very well. And lastly I have this "friend, the same one mentioned" who is an academic "showoff". he will boast about his grades, put others down, whine about how his A- on his EXTREMELY difficult paper is the worst thing ever to another person who is content with their C. I also had other people come up to me and encourage me to join a whole bunch of programs which can be helpful, and I appreciate them telling me, its just hard to explain getting out of bed and showing my face is a chore most days, but I just simply decline, but have people always wanting me to try harder and harder and take on a whole bunch of things. Last time I did that I ended up at the hospital.
  16. Thank you so much for replying! Yes my brain plays all sorts of mind games with me, so I spend a big portion of my day trying to figure out if my sanity is still in tact. Yes, I feel like college is built around a group of people which doesn't include everyone, which makes sense, since it is always hard to accommodate for everyone, but when I get penalized because I have trouble facing the many odds not in my favor, I get a bit frustrated because I have to try twice as hard to do the same amount of work as my peers. Since I am a perfectionist, I beat myself up on top of others so It definitely feels like all there is, is negativity. A lot of it is fear, due to rejection and ridicule in my past and present, so it makes it difficult to ask a teacher for help anymore because of the arrogant snide comments they would make. I used to be the student who was always the first to raise their hand and ask so many questions, and now I feel belittled every time I try and volunteer in class or actually make an effort to speak with a Professor after class. College was once my dream and I still want to pursue it, but I feel sad because that spark that I had for learning died down a bit. I guess I can still hold onto my pride because I don't cheat like everyone else does.
  17. So, I am a Junior in college. This is my second semester as a Junior and this semester is really tough. Not tough as in the work is tough, but being in a college setting when you just want to hide your face with a paper bag is difficult. I have always done fair academically, I'm a B+ student, but I always struggle socially. The Worst part is it is really hard to focus on school when you have external things going around. It is hard being on a normal sized campus with a whole bunch of noise, immaturity, arrogance, rudeness, and "sameness." I am 23 in a college mostly consisting of freshmen, who come from privileged backgrounds. It is not ok to be depressed here. Luckily the school does have good support for Mental Health which I have been taking care of which helps, and there are some very nice people here, don't get me wrong. It is just hard having constant horrific thoughts in your head, which makes it hard to focus and makes it hard to be present, so I disassociate. Since I am dealing with a lot right, I come off as awkward and people poke fun at it. I can see everyone's judgment. The sad thing is no one knows what I have been through and how much I have accomplished in such little time. I know I shouldn't CARE what others think, but people are always on your case and at sometimes you do have to explain your situation, and they give you a hard time about it. I was trying to set boundaries with a friend about needing a lot of space this semester and me needing to recharge, and at first it seemed like we had an agreement, but he continued to invite me out to situations where it was always the busiest and invited a lot more people than i thought were going to show up or come extremely late of have me stuck hanging out very late, so I told him nicely to remind him of the space I needed and it turned into a huge fight. He became offended and then claimed we weren't friends anymore like a 2 year old. I hate having to put on a front all the time so people would just let me be. It is a sin to frown in college. I wish I could communicate effectively of why I missed certain key points of a lecture, because my mind keeps blanking out since I'm dealing with heavy traumatic things. I wish I didn't have to hear very ignorant comments everyday. I wish I didn't have a constant need to explain myself. I wish I could study without being haunted by my thoughts. I wish i wasn't so misunderstood. And I wish people were able to give me credit for the things I do/did achieve, rather than focus on the negatives. Sounds like I'm ungrateful.
  18. Wow! This article definitely helps! Good topic! I too deal with this, but couldn't explain it coherently. You explained it beautifully. Yeah you feel both guilty, because you know they are trying, and it doesn't work so you feel ungrateful, and you feel annoyed because they can't "just get it!" Yes, feeling numb is a horrible feeling. lately I have felt disconnected from everything. it is really hard to ACTIVELY enjoy most things I would have. It seems like you are able to communicate with your parents, and seem to have somewhat of a decent healthy relationship. Have you explained that you feel guilty when you don't enjoy yourself. It might help them understand, that you aren't ungrateful and do really appreciate their efforts. it seems like you have a great sense of maturity and are able to see the situation from both sides! I wish you well! Icarus
  19. I was on a different combination of meds for my depression for about 18 years and no luck. Some meds would only work for up to a month and then give out. I suffered many irritating side effects, the worst one being weight gain and drowsiness. I tried and tired and it just isn't worth it for me. 18 years and NO ONE could come up with a solution, but also the one service I went to were downright crooks. Up to the point they just stopped seeing me without a notice for no reason and kept switching psychiatrist every half year. Maybe you and I haven't found the right psychiatrist which is what I'm hoping but I hear there are many other options. I hope you find a solution that works!
  20. Ok this will sound unusual, but I go to college and most days I lose motivation, energy, drive, focus, and lose my sense of care. I turn a lot of my pent up anger into getting me up and going. I am able to channel it to push through whatever crap hits me that day and repeat day after day, and it helps me for getting ready or motivated in some cases.
  21. Thank you for replying Saliency! I appreciate it. Yeah it is a tough situation. A part of me feels relieved and saddened that someone can relate to this. I have been feeling so alone in the thought and a lot of my family and peers don't get my situation. When I try and explain it goes over their heads. I'm usually left with a response that places blame or brush offs. There is really no easy solution, but I'm expected to find one fast. I agree about the part of having to be a jerk to get by in life. A part of me thinks there is still hope but its almost gone. A very wise man told me not to lose myself and always be me, and I try and hold on to that everyday. I could easily stomp over people and get what I want or stop making sacrifices and being cold and selfish. There is always a balance but at the same time, I want to keep my dignity at the end of the day. And I'm glad you said that statement about parents. I was always made to believe that if I had a roof over my head and fed, that I should be grateful and have nothing to complain about. Little do people realize, I was taken from my birth mom die to her drug addiction, and then placed in a foster family who supplied me with a home but suffered major abuse there, and then adopted where I get a lot of care except the emotional side such as support and I'm often faced with some verbal abuse and emotional abuse. So its good to know that. Thank you!
  22. I think I did. I let the dog out just so my mom wouldn't have to, I had fun watching one of my favorite shows, I got really depressed after it was over, and came here for support. I wrote a post about how I was feeling, and wrote two other posts helping others. I guess its something.
  23. Welcome!! I'm glad you made it on this forum! It is a great place to go for support. I resonated a lot with your story a lot and definitely saw myself in a lot of those situations. It definitely sounds like you could be possibly suffering from depression. When did all these thoughts start to occur? Did you ever feel like they were deeply rooted in your subconscious but never presented themselves until recently. You talk about so many issues a lot of people with depression face, such as lower self esteem, anxiety, and loneliness. You are not the only one. In a way that can be horrible but liberating at the same time, but it speaks a lot about how real depression really is. There is no on or off switch for it. You cant just "snap" out of it. Its a really complicated illness. The part that makes it harder is, it doesn't have obvious physical symptoms such as a common cold or diabetes. So its thought an invisible illness, hence why a lot of your peers may not take it seriously. Its a crummy situation. It really is. I've been suffering from it for about 20 years. Some days I lose hope, some days suicidal, but I still believe there are ways to help. I have had many psychiatrists and therapists in my lifetime. Some were good, some mot so much. Kind of like teachers. Hopefully you will find one that will work for you. And don't beat yourself up. I know many who don't understand may say something's that spark guilt, but don't listen. Just try to do the best YOU can. You know you best. There are many forms of help out there and I wish you the best of luck of finding the best you can receive! If you get discouraged come back here and vent and we all can try our best to help everyone out! Best of luck to you!!! Icarus
  24. Hello iaawal, I'm Ollie! Aww yes, meds are very complicated. I'm not a doctor so, I'm not an expert, but have been on meds for about 15 years and sometimes its like playing a roulette. I had a lot of meds where I had funny reactions from an couldn't understand why. Is there anything that suddenly changes your mood that you can pinpoint, or is it just randomly. I hear that medication needs a certain amount of weeks to be effective. Don't quote me on that, so it might be your body trying to get use to it. I'm not on meds anymore because they kept switching doctors on me constantly, so it has been a while but if you have a good relationship with your pdoc that is always a good thing. Is he/she good at monitoring your moods and working with you effectively? And is it easy or hard to get a hold of them. I don't know exactly how severe your emotions are, but you said you were suicidal, so it sounds very serious. You could possibly wait a week to see if anything changes or try and see if you can try another approach. Whatever happens, I hope things work out. Its definitely a confusing and kind of scary process. I am wishing you well!!!
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