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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. I'm a male and 5 feet zero. I feel disadvantaged a lot of times. I would expect many people to understand that but with depression you already feel small and being very short it doesn't help. I notice others don't take me seriously. They all go aww and think I'm adorable. I'm 23 and one of the older students in college. I have to look up constantly and it can be intimidating. I can't reach a lot of stuff either so its a pain. People also use me as arm rest and do other annoying things. So yes I can experience this. I have observed a lot in my time to know its both a mental and physical battle and that it does make things a lot harder, for me anyways.
  2. Thank you very much sir! Someone willing to listen to hear the whole reason I put pressure on myself. It did root from childhood and it is something I'm working on overcoming. I will learn to live up to my expectations. I think it can free me from the pressures I hold on myself. I hope I can too and believe I can. I will update how I am doing. Cheers! Icarus
  3. I deleted Facebook and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Well for me anyways. I too needed to keep it touch with important people but it wasn't worth the torment I out myself through while having it. They say you shouldn't compare yourself to other people, but with Facebook its basically in your face. The number of likes and comments you receive become your self value and that is definitely not ok. And very untrue. One of the best things I heard which was able to get me off was someone saying that it is not realistic to be exposed to so many people at once. In an average day you are only exposed to several people. The comment made me think long and hard. It made sense why it just seemed superficial, fake, and toxic. If you can i would get the people's phone numbers or other contacts who matter to you and then delete it. Its not an easy decision and you don't have to delete it. just find a way that works best for you. i wish you well!
  4. Crew I am terribly sorry you feel this way. I can understand it though. I look at posts here but not all and the ones I do look at I don't respond unless I can help in someway. I feel like trying to help someone when you don't know isn't good. You can end up saying the wrong things. I think people can though say that they hear you and support you. I really hope you don't **** yourself. I get it though. I struggle to keep my head over water. But I feel like you deserve to live. If you are in the moment about to commit suicide, give yourself time to think things through. There may be something you want to keep living for. I am sorry life has got you so down. Its a terrifying position. I don't know exactly what you are going through and don't want to lecture you because that's not helpful. I want you to know I care. And I hope you find something else that keeps you going. people are extremely ignorant and stigma is still criminally common it boggles my mind. I[m living for that day that changes. I wish you best of luck. Tatakae!
  5. I sadly feel the same way and it scares me to think it and I try and suppress those feelings as much as possible but its counter-productive. I don't really have an answer but I allow myself to feel it, even though it might sound awful. As long as I am still decent, respectable, fair, and don't harm anyone I can allow myself to feel that way. But you are asking very important questions and questions that I feel need to be evaluated more. You seem very wise and intuitive. Do what you feel is natural. I wish you best of luck! Icarus
  6. It pains me to read this post. I saw other posts from you and you seem like an outstanding person. You don't deserve the torment you receive. I understand a little bit about worrying about your gender. I'm a gay man and its confusing because I don't fit a all of the hyper-masculine gender norms and I believe gender roles are toxic, but anyways your situation is a lot more complicated and I'm sorry for that. I don't believe you are a monster. I believe you are strong to deal with what you are dealing with. I think people place to much importance on appearance and not enough what is on the inside. At the end of the day I choose to be around others that make me feel safe, welcome, and appreciated. No level of physical appearance can ever achieve that. I hope you are able to manage a backup plan and I hope your situation can turn around. Keep rolling with those punches, and rest and take a break when you need to. Repeat. Go again, hopefully you will find an opening to take a jab at. If all else fails give yourself the love you need to go on. No one will steal your self worth. I will be thinking of you! best of luck and Tatakae! (fight)
  7. I'm not the energizer bunny people expect of me. I am a hard working guy. Most times I can't preform my hardest due to depression and other issues. People tell me its not to try so hard, to give myself a break, or to not worry. I am a person who punishes himself whenever I fail at something. I am not easy on myself. On the outside it looks like something I just do because its my personality but it's not. The issue stemmed from very early childhood. I was raised not to make mistakes. I was always judged for decisions I have made, and always told I just need to try more. It wasn't really ok if I didn't excel at everything. My sister especially made sure she could find every flaw in me and break me down because she was jealous I was better in school. And when I do fail at something its always pointed as a character flaw or people pass judgments. I get a lot of "oh that is so easy, I can't believe you couldn't do it" I am naturally gifted at math and a lot of people talk about how they just cannot grasp it. Unlike others I don't rub that in other peoples faces. In college grades seem to be above all else. It's like all your self worth is your grades when in reality that isn't true. Others are better at other things than others. I have also improved a lot around my personal life and I do a lot more. I achieved so much in the last year. But more of the focus is on things I haven't achieved yet. I know I shouldn't let people have that much power over how I feel about myself but it seems we live in a society where everyone wants on top and they will use any tactic to cripple you. If you didn't make it to where you are it is your fault. To make the situation worse, I take a lot of responsibility for my actions. I never let myself get a free pass. I punish myself until I can overcome whatever obstacle. Then I hear others making excuses for just about everything in life and then come to me about how I need to improve such and such in my life and if I were to show any sign of emotion its automatically a character flaw. But they can kick scream, throw a tantrum, swear, and all that and its acceptable, but there are people who use my depression against me. Because I have depression, I'm not capable of making choices, or using logic. My favorite, "its all in your head" used as a manipulative tactic to control me and distort my head. I don't believe everyone is out to get me. My sister most likely. I think a lot of people mean well but they usually hurt me the most. I don't think I have a moment where I'm constantly beating myself up or remembering all of the hurtful and untrue and ignorant things people said to me. I never really have a moment where I am devoid of those thoughts and never have a moment where I feel free to be me without letting so much people hold so much power. The plight of an artistic, eccentric, perfectionist whose ideas usually fall out of societies norms.
  8. I have accepted my depression for the most part. Some days more than others. I don't try and fight it anymore. I used to go against the current but now I go with the current. Its more easier but days like right now are not easy. I accepted that my life will be different and complicated due to this. Please don't get me wrong, I have made major improvements and I'm still improving and very fast but there is one issue that medicine or anyone else can fix. Unfortunately its something I cannot ignore and don't want to because I believe it is important. Most things I can overcome but this one issue is a lot bigger than doing self talk or therapy. The issue follows me and repeats itself. I don't want to get into details. I have pushed myself harder than I can ever imagine and not everything is magically better. I work really hard on taking action and taking care of myself. I am still pushing myself and have been. I understand why I am the way I am and understand my triggers. I wish depression was the only thing I was dealing with. Sadly its not. Idk I feel like I have to constantly improve on myself when I hadn't had a break for so long. I cant really remember.
  9. I know people mean well when they say this but I find it makes the situation twice as worse. I am aware of my cycle and I always do come through but its not the better I am talking about. I hate people feeding me "promises" that may or may not happen. Yes I like to hope and try and stay somewhat optimistic. I'm actually naturally an optimistic guy. But I also like to look at things realistically. I just want people to accept that right now things are crappy. When you are focused on the problem at hand the future looks to be lightyears away. I had many times due to my foolish optimism where I told myself things would get better and self talked myself into lies that never came. I'm not saying things can't get better but its not guaranteed. No one really knows anyone's future. In a sense I believe it is an easy way lf saying I have no idea how to help you and don't know what to say so I'm going to feed you false hope. I really hate it when someone projects there situation onto you. Just because you got better doesn't mean it will happen for them. A lot of things in my life have gotten easier but with that came new and more challenging trials. I am technically getting better in how I handle myself and realizations but my life certainly isn't better. I had the same bleakness since I was 5. I'm 23 now. I have had very few really great moments between those years, but when I do I appreciate them and enjoy them tremendously. I enjoy the very littlest of things because there is a possibility of things not getting better but I'm always hopeful. Some days more or less than others. And what is "better" really mean. If it means shove me with pills and keep me quiet like MOST psychiatrist I been to do, to keep me "normal" then no. I don't want to get "better" I just want to be able to enjoy the very short good moments I have and also be able to grieve in the harsher moments without someone minimalizing my problems. I have dealt with the same issues for about 20 years. I don't trust you, sorry.
  10. Hello Kabuto! You are not alone. I identify being a HSP as well. Being a guy and being sensitive is not easy. I am also gay and fitting into gender roles and roles that society places on you is really unfair and s***ty. I hate it a lot. I think as Jim Bow said, just be you. I've noticed I'm happier being myself as it feels a lot more natural, but on the other hand I get a lot of resistance. I had a falling out with a roommate because he viewed himself as a macho male and me being sensitive was a bad mix. He called me a "*****" and to "man up" because I couldn't tolerate anymore racial comments. This was while he was drinking himself nearly to death complaining about everything. That moment I knew he was the one who needed to "man up" as they say (hate that phrase). I also identify as an empath and carry and mimic emotions of others. You could look into it. Its extremely draining and I usually am very low on energy. I know being sensitive is very draining and you feel things more intensely. It takes a lot out of you. I should take this advice as well but I think the more immediate approach to this is to watch my health so I can at least combat some of the effects of being a HSP. Although, I have a lot of trouble just getting myself to stare at a TV screen or even talk some days. Everything is a chore. I M glad you are able to find something that works for you. Hiking can be peaceful and therapeutic. The city has a lot of simulation and there is energy everywhere. As an empath I am highly effected by such crowds. Last time I was at a big fair I got the hugest headache ever. I thought my head would explode. I guess for you, you can try and find activities or people who are more "quiet" And experiment with situations that work and don't work for you. Wish you best of luck!
  11. Thanks guy. The Unwanted (I like your username a lot) yeah I know I cant give her that pleasure. She can be extremely mean and then be really nice when she finds out you wont play her game and when you cave in and give her another chance, she will plow you over so fast. Its tricky since I do care for her a lot. And thnx for the support. I'm not a perfect brother and I'm not the easiest person to be with but I try and better myself each day. Mental77 thank you so much for that number. I appreciate it a lot. Yeah most times I just need someone to speak to then friends or family you say I'm too sensitive or overreacting. I know those statements aren't true in the situation I'm in. I see a counselor at college. He's trying Emdr on me now to shuffle through my trauma.
  12. Cleaned most of my moms house and managed to go out to eat. I enjoyed watching Once Upon a Time and The Walking Dead too.
  13. I'm glad you were able to find this forum! It seems like you are in a really tough spot and I can relate with some of what you say. Family issues are very tough. I feel the same way with me and my mother. Just accepted that how its going to be. I think some parents only over one extreme. Some can offer material things but no emotional support or vice versa and they get confused why their kid isn't happy. I commend you for taking care of yourself. People on her give a and we all try and understand each other. Its a great support system. I hope you find even more great support
  14. I'm home from spring break and home with my family. Me and my sis are both adopted. We both came from hard backgrounds. Abusive foster parents. I know have an adoptive family who is loving but causes me a lot of pain as well. My sister has always been mean to me. Right after we were adopted she had this idea that she would be an only child. OOPS! My sister adjusted to life better than I did. She had friends and people respected her. She was "socially" normal. I was a bit different. I suffered from depression since I was 5. The transition wasn't easy. I lashed out because I didn't understand anything outside of my foster home. I was always the bad guy or monster. The system failed and all the blame was placed on me. I didn't understand. I was always awkward and liked "different" things. Pokemon was my first love lol. Well since my sister was "normal" now she made it a mission to point out all my flaws. Everything to the way I dressed, behavior, my interests, my voice, my walking, the friends I like, and my other personality traits. My self esteem sunk faster than the Titanic (I'm sorry if anyone's offended). She just couldn't accept I was different. She would always give me those judgment faces. It was so hard to be myself. For the longest time I thought it was wrong. I thought something was wrong with me. She made me feel like I was less than what I was. She displays narcissistic and very self centered characteristics. She has very little empathy or even sympathy. And she is super vain. Ever since she got big boobs and a butt she makes every opportunity to talk about them. "Men like us thick curvy girls" while butt naked in front of the mirror. O.O. This was a very usual thing in my house. I go and talk to her about what's bothering me and she immediately says she doesn't care or suck it up. But will go on hours venting to me about everything and if I don't listen she gets really mad. Its my sisters way or no way. And if you are in her way she will make way. She knows how to manipulate the household. All my folks think she is just precious. No one believes me when I say any of this. They all think I am overreacting. I have gotten physically and mentally abused in foster care but doesn't compare to what my sister put me through. It just me overreacting. I fet that siblings fight or tease each other but my sister takes it too far. The jokes and snide remarks are too much. And when you do try and sit and talk with her she gets defensive fast and can get you in trouble at the same time. I live with all women who the ones I live with, can be extremely sexist. My mom can make the most terrible jokes about men and say men are bad and my sister just laughs and agrees with my mom. I have no dad. Liking, anime videogames, drawing, technology, internet stuff, and scifi just isn't ok in my house. I remember watching Ben 10 one night and my mom screamed for me to turn it off because it was unrealistic. She is better with this now but I still get those looks. Fast-forward to recently, my sister got pregnant on accident with a guy who left her (that's terrible) and she waited 8 months to tell everyone she was after she was trying very hard to miscarriage. She drank and smoked during the first few months of her pregnancy. Now that she has a baby, she is the queen of the family. She can do no wrong. To them she brought a miracle. To me, I am mad. Not only did I help her through her pregnancy, I full on supported her so she wasn't scared. She was so mean to me during that time it was awful. No sense of gratitude at all. I love my niece but cant stand the crying. I like my quiet. My sister has my mom babysit her most nights. No one cares how I feel about it all. I feel like she her responsibility is now mine. I love my niece but I'm going through a hard time and the worst part is even though she intended to **** her child she is now praised while me who worked so hard in the past year is ignored because I don't have children. Its all my family cares about. So again my sister wins. She can tear me down and get all the glory. That sounds very immature of me to say. I just don't understand someone so cruel could get away with such abuse. But then I think to my foster home ans it explains everything.
  15. Duck I'm confused. I have medical insurance so a lot of my medical situations are covered. And I don't think I will go back to medication again unless I'm sure the facility will treat its patience with care. StoniumFrog: Planning the future is both exciting but extremely terrifying. I only ever had one job and I am an introvert working in an extroverted field. I hope to work after I get my bachelors degree to get some more experience and practicing more on getting myself ready for the real world and then go to Grad school if it will help me more. Thanks unwanted. I agree too! Tami you are so unlike some professors who exude an aura of arrogance. Its refreshing to have someone who understands and doesn't put other students down. That means a lot coming from a college professor. Thanks for sharing your story Matyrgirl! I'm sorry you had a rough time. I couldn't imagine going through depression in college without knowing you had it. Sounds scary....
  16. StoniumFrog: Of course! Its the least I can do. If you ever feel really upset or just need to talk you can message me on this site as well!
  17. Things that bother me lately are human contact. People who text while you're talking to them and people who can only talk about themselves. Also people who don't take responsibility, people who are always late, people blaming you for their issues, and people who don't get back to you about something importance, at all.
  18. Sorry it took me a while to respond. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging about what I accomplished. I don't want to feel like I am putting anyone down. I appreciate all your responses. Most of my life it is not common hearing such support and compliments like this. Its usually try harder, you can do better, you need to do *blank*, and etc. Its been a bit better now since I'm becoming more independent now. A big process but yeah those things I said stem from childhood. Ironically I get even madder when I can do the things people said I couldn't because it shows how much people don't have faith in me. I'm only 5 foot, I have a somewhat feminine voice for a guy, and I'm calm, but people say I'm sociable. I don't feel like I get taken seriously. I also have a lot of disabilities and things that hold me back which makes me have to put in twice the effort into things. I beat myself up because I cant do what's unrealistically expected of me. I was raised not to make mistakes and had high expectations on how to behave. Its also helped me a ton to be kind and work hard and take responsibility growing up but it was a lot of pressure. I'm not mad at my mother anymore. She really wanted the best for me. She didn't know how much she pushed me away but now I think we are making a lot of progress and she is one stubborn cookie! Oh lastly, StoniumFrog I'm not in honors. I said I'm not on the honor roll and that some people think that people who aren't on the honor roll don't try hard enough. I know it just them trying to boost themselves up but hurts. Thank you for the compliments though. You have helped me sooooooo much. I need to repay you somehow.
  19. As a person who deals with anger and had a history of extreme rage and able to harness that anger into something, I highly approve of this posts. I felt really motivated reading it. It takes a strong mind to keep going despite What others might think about it. It seems like you are aware of both the pros and cons of each direction. I hope you can find what you are looking for!
  20. Jim Bow: Thank you so much for this! Its so hard breaking from the nasty cycle. I know it stemmed early from childhood. I need to let myself finally live because I at least deserve that to myself. I know where its coming from and believe it has to do with a trauma. It brings me to a really upsetting place. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I will read it as a guide when I feel this way. Thank you!
  21. I have a tendency to be really hard on myself but its not why most people would presume. I am a perfectionist but its not that. Well maybe. All my life I had people constantly critique me and put me down. But it even went further than that. Even if something wasn't directly said to me I would and still take it to heart. People go on about how no ones perfect and go at your own pace and I agree, but those days where I slow down it seems like people like to pick at me. I'm not really successful or anything or not a complete failure either. I feel like when you make a mistake it feels like everyone is looking at you are judging. Some of that is the depression but other times I have experienced it. but this will bring me to what's happening recently. it is hard to be in college and be depressed. Even if your depression is under control it is still very hard. I feel like I have to meet the expectations of very healthy students. I don't really get bad grades and have near perfect attendance and do my work but there are sometimes I just cant keep up. I don't have a job, I am on SSI, I can't drive yet, don't have a car, and I am only in one school club for my major. I know that is fine but I do have instances, mostly not directly where people who are well off say how others who have SSI are leeching off the Government and how they are lazy they don't work and all sorts of things after that. I can sympathize with their frustrations but then I take it to heart and feel guilty. I know I don't want to rely on SSI all my life. Heck no. With where I am right now I am just overwhelmed and stressed and even scared to work in a public setting. I had others say I am making an excuse or implying that. I felt even more guilty. I was on YouTube and one guy said that people who are C or B students are stupid. I am a B student and took offense. I know they are wrong and that it shouldn't effect me but made me think of how dumb I was because I am not on the honor roll, not Acing every test, and not a know it all snob. In a college setting people have a lot of expectations of you regardless if you are well or not. Most people do not understand the things I go through. I feel like I always have to push past my limits. Most days I am tired and extremely sluggish but I make it to every class and do the work. maybe minimum work sometimes but get it done. I just wish I was allowed to struggle without some FAULT placed on me because I'm not trying enough causing me to be even more hard on myself. Just trying to hang in there.
  22. I think he/ she is getting at how it isn't treated seriously as such. It really isn't talked a lot about in schools as much as other issues. And it is still unrecognized by many as a really issue even by the people who honestly care. We don't have much programs for MI. Not where I'm from. I think allalone6 is most addressing stigma and the fact that it still is an invisible disease. people may care or have the best intentions but their actions die to stigma or misunderstanding can be just as harmful. I'm sorry the young boy didn't feel noticed. I believe it would be one of the worst feelings dying while feeling absolutely alone. i believe suicide happens because people do not feel heard and that they can't take anymore. Shayne we could all use positive vibes but it still doesn't lessen the issue. People tend to talk or care after the person is gone. Even when they beg when they are alive. people seem to be cared for and loved more when they are dead. We could use more people like you Shayne who do reach out to those in need.
  23. I will try and respond the best way. I am always thankful for replies and want to treat each with care. 16-bit: you aren't rude at all. I took a lot of what you said to mind and think we have some similar struggles. JonoClouds: I have been a lot better with that. I do notice when my thinking starts to become skewed a bit and I change it at the spot and realize it. At the same time the thoughts that I know aren't skewed do take a toll on me. it doesn't help when people manipulate you to think every thought you have is skewed and use your mental illness against you. That sometimes why I HATE the phrase its all in your head. Its the perfect opportunity for someone to control you. And I WON'T ever be controlled by a doctor again. EVER. StoniumFrog: Hey! I actually took off for a semester 2 semesters ago. And it helped TREMENDOUSLY! I am actually a lot better than i used to. Then I was in the emergency room twice within 6 months which messed with school and now that hasn't happened since and I have a lot more stable thinking and more control over my emotions since then. But it wasn't all rainbows. i had to work harder than ever just to get back in. Pay a large fee. Within my time I had a women who was supposed to help with disabilities say I couldn't get back in and kept saying I can't when I repeatedly told her I could and I did and did remarkably well that semester and it was one of the turning points in my college career. I also had a mental health facility treat me in the most unjust way possible. They started seeing me with a case worker and then all of a sudden they didn't show up to the next appointment and never contacted me after that and i called as well. I am still dealing with this injustice which was like the one I had when I was a child. It changed how I feel and still do about mental health services. I know there are good ones but I will never go through that ever. next time will probably push me to my grave. And I had a lot of other tough trials. Even though I have improved I am still faced to day with college kids in general and I see a level of selfishness and arrogance that is hard to take. i still feel like trucking through since i can finally see the end but days do get difficult. And if I have another snooty nosed lady ask me why I haven't graduated yet or judge me for taking time off then I think that really paints a picture of the stigma still attached. but thank you! I approve of that suggestion since I wouldn't be here without it ;) Reee Spect Walk: Hello! I do pick up a lot of nonsense and it does bug me, I'm just very aware of certain things. I believe there are psychiatrists who can help and I am happy others got help and I believe it worked for them. I had a case of extremely bad psychiatrist who put me through hell and other mental health professionals. I have been trucking along better the i have been without the meds. And no one will listen to me so I will keep getting sent back to the one place who treated me the worst. With this said I don't want revenge or someone to suffer but I do wish others knew what happened.
  24. SheepWomen: I'm not sure if I had that or not. Heard about it and took some interest. I will have to do more research about it. I've seen from your other posts that it helped you. I'm glad something worked for you. Unfortunately not having a car, in college and probably having to go to a place 3 or more towns away will be a challenge. I still am going through a recent trauma from one of the last psychiatrist places I went to. They neglected my services without ever notifying me but are still collecting money I assume and I have called them repeatedly and they always say the same thing but never follow up or get through to you and its been happening since I was 10. They are the major mental health service in my area. CMSU. And had horrific experiences with most of my psychiatrist and other professional help. Luckily, i know have to courage to change services if one isnt working out. 16bit: I get confused. I have people who are highly critical of me usually the ones who are "well meaning" so I think its what i need to do but my gut always says a different story. I feel so alone on my thoughts and they are usually always the popular opinion so I question them in my head day in and day out. I don't follow my gut because people say it is wrong. people trick and manipulate me so I cant think for myself. I cant even defend myself because I try and pick what I want to listen to. my gut, my heart, my brain or what EVERYONE else seems to be saying. I have made improvements but I think I'm at a stand still until I can trust myself and garden shrub out all the lies distortions manipulations and mind games people play with me. jimBow: Thank you. I have trouble letting myself off the hook or letting myself breathe or rest when all I keep battling between what others say and what my gut says. Some days I stay up will 3 or don't sleep at all thinking about if i should follow my gut. I actually stopped taking medicine about 3 months ago. I have been better without it and right now I just want to stay off of them and being away in college without transportation I don't have that luxury of getting to appointments. I do see a school counselor but even the last session is making me rethink if i should still see him. Its why i'm triggered and a lot more depressed than I have in about a month. I have done so much self improvement in the last past months but It never seems good enough...:( Sorry for being difficult.... I have like 3000 things to work on including school and I'm just tired. I would love to get more help but so many "professionals" have really hurt me in the past and recently I'm sitting here now weighing the pros and cons of each. I really do need a break....
  25. Lately I have ben so fed up of trying so damn much but not getting better like everyone wants and pretending everythings alright when its not and trying to be as reasonable and calm as can be so i wont receive the i'm not trying or other bs people throw at me to try and twist everything I say. I have valid reasons for being upset and angry and distraught and tired but I'm depressed so those automatically become my fault. I even neglect my problems for others but then am told i spend too much time sulking when that hasn't been true recently. I have been workijg my butt off at its hardest.One depressed day people assume you arent trying. One thing you want to get off your chest you can because your not in the right mind, Want to vent? Too bad, chances are i will be cut off and interrupted right away and hear them vent for an hour. But if I step in I'm in the wrong. but everyone says there are those who can help me. My counselor made me feel like absolute and kept cutting me off when all i wanted to do was to get things off my chest. Its a crime to have one bad day. That means It was me having negative thinking for way too long which also wasnt the case. I'm out in situations where you can never win and when I speak or try and defend myself I have no idea what i'm talking about and if I do someone will make sure and twist my words to make me even more confused and prove their point. Don[t get me started on the liars, manipulators, and the narcissist i run into on a daily basis. Perks of going to a drinking school where everyone is more focused on trying to one up each other, groom their egos, and get smashed every night but of course they have better judgment than me. But its all in my head right? I may be depressed but i'm not dumb. I really refer not to play this game called life...
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