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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. Flasquish- Wow... what a powerful statement! I always thought of being more selfish and not feeling guilty of it and using the energy I could be saving on things and people who do really matter.
  2. Video games and a good TV show are my go to but only if I have some level of energy. A lot of times I just have to sleep it off and hope for a better tomorrow. That or stress clean or stress study. I wish I can say something about your addiction as I know it can't be easy. I am truly sorry. I think you may try forgiving yourself more though. I feel like the brain is super complex and when you have things like depression and/or addictions you wish you can wish them away and when you can't it makes it worse. When you are dealing with such issues it is just so comforting to escape life and then you realize you have to come back to reality. I don't know if you have a good support system or your financial situation but have you tried letting someone look out after you. The situation seems serious. You say you don't want to share with your doctor but if you trust him I would let him know, but I don't know the whole situation. Afflicted pretty much says what I wanted. But also come back and vent to us or message me as much as you need. I feel like I'm not helping :/
  3. I think I am coming to terms with being just a tool for other and a being where everyone can just dump their trash into at the end of the day. Luckily, I still have some decent people in my life, and I'm not a complete failure. It's just I don't feel like a person because a lot of times I'm not treated like one. I try my best to be a decent human being and sometimes I fail a lot to be exactly fair to everyone and I always feel bad. I have a strong sense of justice and always look out for the underdog. I know not everyone has empathy and understanding but after all the abuse I have gotten for not being perfect makes me disappointed in the ones who never take responsibility for their actions. I am not a God but I am expected to act like one. I am not allowed to have any complaints, ideas, boundaries, and input. I have to smile to brighten everyone's day. People feed off of my positive energy only to drain me before the night ends. They all looked puzzled to why I seem void of any life. Most days I just want to put on my neutral/sad face without being interrogated. I just want to feel the mood I am feeling without it being a character flaw. Yes depression can stick you in those moods but suppressing them is far worse. Since my smile rids the land of all curses, I am chained up doomed to forever smile and give out all of my positive energy to anyone who demands it. I'm an empath not a god. I always thought being understanding and forgiving would be good traits to have. All I learned are some people use those against you in the most cruel of ways.
  4. I'm glad you found this place! Its nice and comforting knowing you are not alone. I always feel like I'm a burden as well and feel lucky to have people here who are supportive. Its like a mini family. Usually very judgment free as well. I have learned through other peoples stories that mental illness is very real. I hope you find solace here! Icarus
  5. I just wanted to add, you are not alone. I, other and people here are sharing that we have experienced similar scenarios. I'm really glad you brought this up because now I don't feel so alone in this but sad you are feeling this too. I feel so far removed from everyone else, that it scares me. People always tell me everyone is different but they don't understand the "difference" I am talking about. I also don't fit into MOST American culture as well. I been here for 23 years and it still feels foreign. Heck I was born here. I'm in a mental battle about my major because I do like it but also hate how we have to focus on things such as social media, pop culture, and the NOW. I feel a lot of it is extremely superficial and the major isn't really built for people with mental health issues. I look in disbelief at things and people around me. I question everything. We as people are told to conform to society and if we don't its our fault. The labels and stigma come out. I agree that narcissism, ego, selfishness and, lack of manners, punctuality, respect, and empathy are the norm now. So now I sit putting on this facade so i don't get questioned, misjudged, and ridiculed. I wish I could be more like JD4010 in this case. instead i keep myself prisoner. I hope you don't make that mistake and embrace who you are. Best wishes!
  6. RilkeRilke: No I believe you are right. I am always constantly changing and learning. The frustrating thing is when I solve one issue another one comes. I am better in a sense from before that I'm not suicidal or at least have thoughts and most days I haven't lost all hope. I believe there is one obstacle that I'm so terrified to achieve which will eliminate about 75% of the problem, and that would be trusting myself when no one will. I can feel it hold me back and limit me. I don't feel free yet. Crewneck: Thanks for being so understanding! No one should have to suffer through depression. It was one of those selfish thoughts I casually think about, but never act on. Teddy: I feel that sometimes. it feels awful to feel that way because I know its not true in most cases, but there are times I will get a "I have been depressed for a month and I'm all better now," I start to wonder, but give them the benefit of the doubt. I believe there are levels of depression, just like any other illness.
  7. I quit Facebook and haven't looked back. I used to be a very heavy user and was toxic for me. It was one of the best ideas of my life. But like you said you still need to be in contact with certain people. I'm sure you can get his email. it won't be instant but would be good for emergencies. And then from there see if you can use another medium to communicate to each other. And to the last question. Not really. Its funny and sad. You quit in hopes to reach out to people face to face but shut you down through being so absorbed into their technology. I might just have very awful friends though. But if you feel deleting Facebook will help you reach out to those you love, go for it! Also when I deleted mine, It gave me 16 days to reactivate it. Its amazing the things you experience in person.
  8. I'd say you are pretty brave. Going into an interview despite knowing you have anxiety. That can't be easy. I am terrified of things like that. hate being monitored, recorded, and evaluated. makes me extremely uncomfortable. Sheepwoman's idea sounds like good advice. I might just take her mirror idea. I hope you find a way to make yourself more comfortable. Update us! Icarus
  9. I hope no one takes offense to this as this is just an observation and not meant to be intellectually correct, but based on my experiences. I read and listen to a lot of people share their stories on depression. They share how they either had it for a year or how they found actual treatment for theirs. A part of me is happy other people have found treatment or happy in a sense they haven't dealt with depression for such a long time. A selfish part of me is a big angry because I was diagnosed at such a super early age, 5 or 6, and had treatment before I was able to dress myself (age 5). I went through so many systems, treatments, self help, and educated myself of the illness at such a young age that I never knew anything else but depression. Not having depression was NEVER normal. My birth mom suffered from severe depression too so I'm pretty sure part of its hereditary. I feel a part of me is frustrated how so many people can get treated so quickly. Within 3 years would be quick for me. None of my medications worked. My one behavior specialists and a couple of therapists, and probably one more were able to get me to a better point in my life and I'm grateful for their aid. unfortunately I am still extremely low and can't even perform everyday tasks. Everything is a chore. I am at the point in my life where I'm accepting the fact that this isn't going away and I keep fighting that. For my situation, I don't believe it is something that can be fixed. I believe I will have good, fair, and bad days. And I believe it will just cycle. The thing that makes it so hard though is when others share their stories on how they overcame their depression. A part of me is hopeful and happy they are in a better place but then another part of me is covered with rage. Sometimes these are the same people who think their method will cure everyone else. It gets worse when they say they only dealt with it for a few years. Another annoyance is how people assume I haven't educated myself enough on depression and think I haven't spent 18 years on an average of 10 hours a day just thinking about depression, the world, how to make myself better, and things like that. They say things like have you tried this, it worked for me. I know their coming from a good place but sometimes I'm tired of people assuming I haven't tried. A lot. I'm starting to believe not all depression or other MI are treatable. And this puts pressure on me because people keep telling me to seek help and get more medication, and try other psychiatrists, even though I have for about 18 years. And if I'm still not better I'm not trying hard enough. I have had some horrific experiences with medication also and still not over the last one which put me on hiatus from meds for the first time. I'm at the point where I need peace with all of the treatments and cures and false hope. I done more self improvement off the meds then when I was off. There are days though when I wish I could just a medication that actually works or can have more than a month of time where I don't feel like there is a dark cloud over my head. So in a sense I kind of envy people who even got to experience some part of their life not depressed. But I would rather have others receive help than no one at all at my expense. Lastly, no one feel guilty if your depression has gotten better due to meds, therapy, or other methods. The envy part is to be taken very lightly. its a thought that just pops occasionally in my head. And only represents a small handful of people I have encountered who also have MI.
  10. Jeff Ray- Ultimately that is what I will have to do. The issue with getting there is shifting through the lies, manipulations, conflicting voices in my head. My heart and intuition are telling me one thing and a while bunch of people tell me the other. People like to play games with my head and I hate it so when I do realize I am thinking clearly i get angry because I realize I'm being toyed with. A lot of resentment are still from those times. But yes I hope i can change my reaction. I wish i could let things go but I can't. I can't explain why here in a short sentence but the whole situation bugs me but i do believe that if I were to accept how I feel I would have a lot easier time reacting to others in a better way.
  11. Please don't delete it. I read these over and over. Its more of whats going on right now. I just felt invalidated and challenged on how I feel. I always am. I am never allowed to just feel. There always has to be a fault in why I feel the way I do. I have been invalidated since my very early childhood years and only a handful of times felt like my feelings were validated. And only a few times i was put in situations where i have to constantly justify myself. I'm not angry at you. I felt a bit understood. I know you were coming from a good place and took the time to write all of what you said so you do care. Don't beat yourself up now either. A nerve was hit and it goes to the core of my depression. i accept your apology. You don't really have to be sorry, I just went off. I'm sorry for going off like that. And back in my community college people were ALOT more respectful and sincere. I now go to a party school and some people are very destructive. I don't really drink. When I have friends who put my life in danger and fail to understand why I am upset with them, yes my feelings are 100% justified.
  12. A1anna- I know you mean well but some of that felt extremely insensitive. I used a generalization such as everyone but then changed it to some people at the end meaning I was correcting myself. But what I mean is a vast majority. (99%) Reading from what you said I don't believe you know me all too well or my situation. I'm naturally optimistic and always strive to see the good in people. I have also made immense strides in the past year than I have in my entire life. And the number one characteristic I have would be empathy or more yet being an empath. I naturally put myself in people's shoes. A lot, if not most kids at my college and people I encounter on a daily basis are not good people. I can tell you that. Its not me having high expectations or ready to point out flaws. I don't feel superior but I am able to take responsibility for my actions and self improve on a daily basis UNLIKE MOST people I encounter who just make excuses. I beat myself up a lot but I know when I'm not at fault and its for these feelings I have which are legit. So I would like it if people today would stop invalidating how I freaking feel. I should just erase this account for Christ sakes and off myself. Yes a nerve was hit... I haven't shared the REALLY hard times in my life that got me to this point and the WHOLE story. But everyone likes to feel free to feed me platitudes and act like I can just get better. I just need anyone to listen because NO ONE (not a generalization) at my college lets me get an opportunity to let me say what I need to say. There was only ONE friend but she graduated and I still stay in touch with her.
  13. I was motivated up until today. I'm sorry. I've picked myself up countless of times recently only to fall once more and changed SO much in my life only to fall harder. I don't want to change. I actually like myself. But no one else will accept me for who I am. Good lucky finding a partner. Icarus
  14. Today i completely give up. I'm too exhausted to try anymore and just don't care anymore. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. People have let me down way too much in the past couple of years and can't trust or rely on anyone. I seriously hate people and if there was an apocalypse it would be the best damn thing to ever happen to me. Empathy, respect, hard work, fairness, and tolerance gets you no where in this life. Even if i were to blow up randomly no one would miss me. Everyone will just feed me with lies. I wish I was on the death penalty....
  15. I'm not making up generalizations. I'm 23. I also try and connect with people older or younger than me to. I have no age limit of who I be friends with. its just the setting I'm in now is very limiting. Day in and day out I observe really obscene behavior that I would not expect. yes, i also see good behavior but it is a lot more rare. Yes I can pick people out but even the ones who seem like decent people turn out to be just as bad or worse. I don't know why but I see rudeness directed at me that others don't receive. But no one will believe me.
  16. Whenever I for help i just get ignored or fed those lines..... I'm glad you are able to reach out to others. Everyone has a point where they start to break. I always feel guilty for feeling bad about my situations but then a minute later I realize the severity in them when not comparing them to other issues.
  17. I thought life after high school, people would improve. That's not so much the case. I still feel a level of hostility, judgment, rudeness, and fakeness I did back then. Now there are some people I can actually trust but those are very few. I believe people now that they are older hide behind that very fact. A lot of people have jobs and are involved in many things and act all grown up like. People are always competing to act superior to each other. Everyone thinks that they are older and have new responsibilities they are holier than thou and can do no wrong. People are so busy trying to act like grown ups that they forget to be good decent people. For starters, no one knows how to effectively communicate. When I try people don't pay attention. They will either start texting while I'm talking or interrupt and walk away. People are oblivious to other important things such as boundaries, respect, or kindness. These are the same people who are making it far because they aren't afraid to step over people to get to where they want. On top of this I have people constantly lie to me or manipulating me to into accepting their insane disrespectful behavior towards me. The moment I call them out on it they are hostile. Cliques don't really exist anymore but you do have people who act and dress the same. its like watching Mean Girls. A lot of people are obsessed with drinking and getting hammered on a weekly basis. Even showing up to class with a hangover. These are the same people who preach about being responsible. I see a lot of BS from people and feel like I'm the only person who notices it. I know there are some very wonderful people around my age and everyday i search high and low to find more like-minded individuals. You know, people who are respectful, display empathy, are reliable, honest, and all around decent people. I remember my one behavior specialist said I was wise beyond my years. That acts as both a blessing a a huge curse. Could be one of the reasons why I have a lot of trouble relating to my peers. I just hate everyone's behavior. I guess my mom raised me to be respectful and a hard working man.
  18. Thank you! I hope your day is great as well!!

  19. Your guys comments make me feel like I'm not alone. Definitely bittersweet. Casperflax: yeah most times I feel like I just need a nice support group. I think most people need that, whether its a club, a religion, or a good group of friends or an AA meeting type group. I feel like people just need to be heard once in a while. Aliveandirish: I hope you find a place in your life where you are comfortable to share. its never easy and puts you in even more complicated situations sometimes. I'm still fairly young so Its a bit more rare to find people who are understanding. I hope someone will hear you out though :)
  20. Trapped77: you are a good man! I love the way you are able to put yourself in others shoes. I do feel like more empathy is needed in this world. It goes a long way.
  21. Overthedeepend: Oh my gosh that is wonderful!!! That was really kind. It seemed like she was understanding of how hard it was for you. I'm glad you were able to experience that. Its not everyday you see such things depending on the setting you're in. That made me happy to know there are some people willing to step outside of their narrow box and help others. Thanks for sharing!
  22. Flasquish: You bring up a good point and I will repeat it. Basically people who haven't experienced things like depression or being part of the LGBTQ cannot understand what these people go through because they haven't experienced it. I hate when people act like they know about everything when they clearly don't. its definitely not easy being both gay and depressed. They both complicate each other and aren't a good mix. :/ Readytothrowinthetowl: I'm so terrified to work for this reason. I'm not scared of many things but this would probably be at the very top. Afflicted: yeah I come on here a lot now. I feel really bad because I feel I just complain and bother everyone but have no one else to turn to. I have a counselor but see him once a week and hate bothering him about what I'm going through. it would be nice if friends and family can be there. my mom is ok most times and we have an on and off understanding. Still love her. But its weird that strangers are more able to give me the time of day than my friends. But yes, I'm in a I don't care anymore stage. People can think I'm a dinosaur with devil horns for all I care. Its really exhausting.
  23. Wow we have the EXACT opposite issue then. I'm also gay but people are more understand about that but when it comes to depression they will want nothing to do with you. I wish I could be an open book. I am anyways but get a lot of judgments, backlash, platitudes, accusations, and blame.
  24. I don't know if others experience it but I constantly have to lie about my feelings all the time. I am the type of person who likes to be honest and tell the truth and I absolutely hate to lie. I hate the look of judgment or lack of interest right when you mention you deal with depression. The clinical kind. My friends or family members just look at you and tell you to basically get over it. Many people are very uncomfortable around people who aren't happy all the time. People loathe negativity. People confuse my depression with laziness, being difficult, or being a negative complainer. I put on a facade to hide what I'm feeling. People will ask me how I'm doing or be all cheery and say what are you up to these days. I have an answer but its not one they would want. They usually ask this right when I'm dying inside and could cry for days on end. I just say I'm doing well and put on a smile. Or sometimes I just ramble on spouting random stuff and then the person gives me that awkward look. Anytime I do tell the truth people give me a whole lot of trouble for it. They mistake my depression for just a normal bad day. They think I'm being pathetic. They laugh when I tell them the truth and make judgments and false accusation towards me. They say things that can be really hurtful. I can finally be opening up and then they would pull out their cell phones and text and then leave and cut me totally off. After i mustered all of that energy to open up. People challenge me all the time and I feel like I have to justify or explain myself. On really bad days I trip a lot and stutter and I'm very out of it and I see people looking at me and judging me and I wish I could just come out and say "I'm depressed and I feel like death and wish I could sleep and never wake up." But I don't say that. I give some other story. They all laugh and poke fun at me. Everyone says I am always happy and don't know how someone can be always happy and people always comment on my smile but inside I'm not happy and feel like death. It hurts to hurt so much inside and no one has a clue about it. It hurts to be judged on things beyond your control. It hurts to not have the option to defend yourself. I hate being in awkward difficult situations because I have an illness. I hate that its invisible and since its not seen its not real so no one would believe me if I told them the truth. I hate that everyone has all the wrong perceptions of me. That's why I hide in my room all day but unfortunately I have to lie about that because if I tell people the truth no one would leave me alone about it. I will just get a lot of "you should". Exhausted. But does anyone feel the same way. I became the actor I never wanted to be.
  25. Yes! That sounds about right. Suppressing your feelings won't help. You might become more bitter in the end. Its kind of ironic. For my situation, if I allow myself to feel something very negative, I let myself feel it and eventually that resentment and frustration go away a little so your less likely to snap. I can relate with your last sentence. Being by myself is being in my element. At first I thought it was a bad thing and people say how you need to socialize and surround yourself with people but I'm a definitely different person when alone and when with someone else. Acknowledgment is nice but so rare sadly. I believe people are so wrapped up in their lives to notice anything outside theirs. Might need to do a little bit of digging to see what makes you the happiest out of the options you have. I wish you well! Icarus :)
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