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Icarus21

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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. I am in it now with my counselor at school (very good counselor) and I just don't know if it is working. I have been doing it for a semester but I just can't for the life of me get into the state of imagining things by closing my eyes. Which puzzled me at first since I am artistic, creative, and have a vivid imagination. Idk, I just can't be given a scenario to think about and focus in on it. Sometimes random funny things would pop up (unrelated) in my head and it would ruin the moment. The more I move my eyes, the less I can concentrate and the angrier I get. I am very fortunate to not have to worry about financial issues but at the same time I think my issues are a lot more complex than most doctors can handle. medication wouldn't even work for me. It is discouraging.
  2. It looks to me from what I read from your post that she wasn't respecting your boundaries and when she couldn't get/do what she wanted, she left. It looks to me she just didn't respect your issues. There seemed to be a big cultural barrier or something because she seemed persistent. But then you mentioned this is happening or beginning to happen with other friends. I have been there and I'm there now. Depression does wear out people around you and I can imagine it being hard for everyone involved. But from what I have experienced, some people are really uncomfortable and try to rush you out of depression and then project their insecurities on you and that is not ok either. I know there are times where friendships just fall apart due to people moving in opposite directions in their lives which is normal. But I do notice a trend with depression and losing friends. it is sad. Is it ok if you share more so I get more of what's going on? Sorry if I sound nosy.
  3. I can't seem to make the next move in my life. Everything seems to be at a stand still. Over the past year, I have learned a lot about myself and of the world. I have had a lot of self improvements and a lot of setbacks as well. All I can say is I am terribly overwhelmed. I have a bunch of new information and I just don't know what to do with it all. I doubt everything uplifting I tell myself because of the events that have recently happened over the couple of years. I got so burnt out after constant arguments, fights, guilt trips, lies, and BS from people around me. I longed for social connections and after a while, I got so fed up with everyone and everything that I had to retreat. I have been retreating for a while now and know I can't forever, but at the same time I know myself well enough to put myself out there right now. I beat myself up this. I feel guilty. I should be enjoying summer and having a job but I just can't physically or mentally get myself to that point with sheer willpower. I still feels like all of this burden just feel on me recently, so I'm still just beginning to grieve. I should do something, anything, but my body won't let me. My mind won't let me. I have an idea and then my mind goes back to horrific events. I suffer from PTSD and I didn't grow up in very good conditions. I feel like people are annoyed or rushing me to be better, to smile, to forget everything, to fake it, and I just can't. I did that in the past and it made it worse. I even went to the store with my mom yesterday and her stress and my niece crying gave me a mini panic attack. I'm afraid to do anything knowing that won't help but I know from past experiences that when I just venture off unguarded, things become even worse. I don't know how it gotten so bad that people now terrify me. My heartbeat goes a mile a minute ANYTIME I come in contact with people. Even by myself I have been increasingly anxious. I second guess all of my decisions because in the past, everyone believed they knew me better than I did and after hearing "what's best for me" I begin to believe them. I spend hours and hours playing mind games with my self. I can't just "be." I would love to see a doctor to properly diagnose me and help me out but that is what started a lot of this. Me going to "simply" see a doctor is not even an option. I was lied to, neglected, and used by the last time I tried to see another doctor. And I have been having more and more bad experiences with psychiatrists. I go back to school soon and by the time things are arranged I will be back at school anyways where I do have a supportive counselor doing EMDR. To be honest I am dealing with all of this alone, except for my counselor. So if I am writing on here too much, I am incredibly sorry. I am just in need of a listening ear.
  4. Susandris- I laughed at that. It is a horrible situation for sure for both of you guys but I feel it would be one of those mess ups one would laugh at down the years. I would feel so horrible! But this post did make me chuckle and that is rarer these days. So thank you!
  5. Wow... you seem like a level headed girl. That is a good thing. I wouldn't change myself if I were you to meet social gender norms. I am a gay man and do not really fit that macho mold some men seem to cherish. I'm not exactly feminine ether besides my voice. That types of roles aren't set in stone. I wish you were in my Anthropology class where we went over gender and sex. It is a lot more diverse and flexible than people think. Sadly sex roles are drilled into children at such an early age, no one even thinks about it with much thought. I like that you hate double standards. I hate when people of either sex take advantage of their "status" It bugs me to no end. I say if you feel more comfortable with the guys or having some "masculine" traits then more power to you. It is pretty petty of people if they avoid you because you are not the "ideal woman" -Icarus
  6. Wow this post hit home. I am terribly sorry you feel this way. I have been extremely apathetic lately and just feel so guilty and it is so hard to get out of. My reasoning is the same as yours and to be honest, I don't know if I will get out of it as soon as everyone wants me too. It is good that you are at least doing SOMETHING to tackle your state. It seems like you still have an attachment to your wife which is very good. I think of that as an anchor. A reason to keep fighting. I don't really have one anymore sadly. I just keep fighting in hopes of finding something I can enjoy or find passion in again. Dog's post was spot on and interesting to read. She/he pretty much has it spot on.
  7. I was at my school café (Starbucks), and I was walking to go to the library, they are connected. but anyways on my way I think I see one of my friends. I approach them and let out a friendly hello with glee, and they look at me and I notice I don't know those people. I felt like an *****....
  8. With having depression and PSTD, I feel like having self validation would be a big help. I have read about what self validation is over recently and am I am finding out that I need that. I think it makes more sense to me now though given my situation. I think a lot of other people can relate here. I never trust my own feelings which are silly, because they are mine and I know myself better than anyone. I always second guess every thought and feeling and emotion constantly. I can spend MONTHS just trapped in my head about if what I'm feeling is valid. I become obsessed with trying to find out if I'm crazy or not. I usually take other people's opinions of me more than I do myself. I sets me up for seeking that outside validation. I always think if someone says something to me, they must be right. I am pretty sure that stemmed throughout my childhood because I had people all my life tell me how to run my life and pick on me and make a lot of incorrect judgments of me. Statements starting with You should, You need to, why don't you really get to me and trigger me because I am in a way with myself whether I should listen to that person or myself. Even if my gut says I should listen to myself I can't because I take people's opinions near face value. I wish I was more secure with the way I feel because it robs me my life most days. It might sound pathetic but most days I just sit in one spot just trying to validate myself and leaves me in this "paralyzed" position. What do you guys think of this? Do you guys have trouble with validating yourself? If you can, does it come natural? I'm curious.
  9. Thank you guys for all of your suggestions! I will look at them all :)
  10. Both a very helpful thanks haha. It will take a tremendous amount of willpower but very helpful
  11. I'm going to have to read more about mindfulness. it is very interesting. Thank you! My trauma which focuses on past and future things will definitely try and compete with trying to focus on the present. I would feel so free if I could focus on the present a lot more. I will actually ask my counselor that. That is a great suggestion :)
  12. Silentthunder- Can you tell me more about mindfulness. I am actually not very informed on it. Oh just looked it up haha. I do this a lot. I usually keeps me from spiraling into a deeper depression. It is still a trait I am working on but I use it a lot. It keeps me grounded in a sense. Being mindful does become hard though in certain situations though. I still don't really trust many people. And recently I have lost a lot of patience dealing with many people. I believe I was TOO mindful and overestimated people's intentions which lead to me feeling used, manipulated, or flat out disrespected. A lot of times though I do look at situations from a distance and analyze them. I did over that dinner. I felt hurt and while I thought I may be overreacting, my intuition was telling me I wasn't. I believe mindfulness for me is usually effective a few days after a said event. I need those days to just feel my emotions. I feel I do have a better handle at dealing with my emotions. I used to vent on Facebook about things that would genuinely bother me and it wasn't the most healthy place to do so. Now, I don't even have a Facebook and if I do have an issue I will excuse myself and focus on something else at the time being and then come back to it later. But yeah what my older sister said just generated a series of bad events and it made it seem like she was condoning those events which scarred me. But right now I'm in a stand still and haven't made really any significant progress in fighting my traumas. Most days I am just angry at myself I can't move forward quicker than I hoped.
  13. I just came back to this post. Thanks for more of the responses! I still love my mom and honestly believe that she doesn't purposely try to hurt me or say things that clearly offend me. I believe that is why it is that much harder to separate from her. I was in quite a bit of shock how everyone just casually laughed at that bit about me getting punched in the face. I felt totally alone and singled out. I kept telling my mom that my sister has abusive tendencies but she doesn't want to listen. She tells me she already know how manipulative my sister can be but she allows it at the same time. She acts like she knows all about her but in reality my sister over the years had control over my mother, whether it would be storming out of the house, yelling, or demanding to get her way. I mean she is a tad better than she was before but then again my mom totally bowed down to her wishes. Epictetus- Your phrase about self worth strikes deep. I actually been spending months and months trying to find it again. It is really limiting without it. Adrianna and henrithecat- I feel like my mom is oblivious to the whole thing and Adrianna thanks! I feel guilty for feeling those emotions. And henrithecat, I am currently in therapy and thank goodness. I learned so much and learned that this stuff isn't ok because I been putting it all on me mainly.
  14. Epictetus: I would love to hear some of the suggestions you have. I just feel most days people do not understand where I am coming from and judge me accordingly. I can't tell them my situation so I have to make up some bs response. I get a whole bunch of why didn't you accomplish this, or why are you always sad, and why are you acting like this. I have a lot both in my past and present that over complicates my life. idk I just don't think people get how this affects me and I can't pretend anymore like it doesn't bother me. Fizzle: I read up a lot on trauma. Both post traumatic stress disorder and when I kept searching, borderline personality kept showing up. I just know from what I have read so far is people who had rough childhoods like me, have common issues while growing up.
  15. Flashquish: *chuckles* I do know and thank you! it is nice for someone to say I will be ok in a time where I feel lost. It means a lot. Fizzle: Thank you. And exactly! I feel like the things that happened at such a young age for me 1-5 and even throughout childhood have put me in a position where it is hard to trust or feel love or feel protected. I get mad at myself because I can't even defend myself. I found out recently I am terrified of people. I don't think that is normal. Luckily I am seeing a counselor at school who is doing EMDR therapy for trauma. I do think it also brought some old stuff to the surface and now I am dealing with everything at once. Quarkyqurl: Yeah, it is. It is confusing. It seems like everyone in here feels I have a valid reason to be upset. I wanted to make sure because I do love my family. But those types of comments do really hurt and cut "deep" and I can't be around that type of behavior. Thank you everyone for your replies. I will now try and set those boundaries for myself and work on getting me to a place I feel "safe"
  16. 20YearsandCounting, Aww thanks for replying. I did not expect this type of response at all. I thought maybe I was just being "too sensitive." I think that was used to much in my lifetime. I do love my mom a lot and a do care for her, I just hoped she would understand how the comments she makes affects me and how letting my sister(s) get away with that behavior creates a statement that violence is ok against men. Being a single parent would not be easy at all and what a task for just one person. Y9u guys are really strong. I just wish my mom could heal from her marriage as well. It just stinks I'm caught in the crossfires a bit. My mom does do a lot for me but things like this though make it EXTREMELY hard to be around her because I was abused in the past as well and I feel like she is enabling the same thing to happen again and it hurts. I have been better giving myself space. I do live with her so it's not a perfect situation. I'm go back to college I the fall so it's only 2 more months. And i wouldn't be here if not for all the positive wonderful women I did have in my life. I owe them so much. Thank you for your kind words!
  17. Wow, good for you for sharing! Holy moly... I felt like I wrote all of that. I am truly sorry you are going through that stage. It can't be easy and it is tiring to even think about being apart of something that you have no desire doing, just because of :that's how the world works" I thought I was the only one who didn't care about status or climbing the corporate ladder. I'm 23 and in college for Public Relations. One of the first things taught was that making a profit is the most important part. The world revolves around money. I do admire your will to be yourself. Hiding who you are and masking what you say and how you act is probably the most exhausting thing I can imagine. It leaves me paralyzed. Do you have a plan of how to overcome the situation? It is hard to move forward, especially when you have a nasty past to keep you trapped. it really sucks. I hope you can get through this and I don't believe any of the negative things you tell yourself. It's hard to feel like you don't belong to any one group. I say we should make our individual groups! ~Icarus
  18. This post is so interesting! I just actually just realized my cycles and am starting to understand them. I believe it is a great thing to know so I know how to prevent VERY severe depression before it manifest into something extremely ugly. Have you ever thought about recording the cycles in a journal? I actually should do that. just thought of it just now. And there you could understand triggers, or what situations make you happy and ones that don't. Update us then! Also when you are aware of what's going on then I believe it will be easier when going through treatment. I'm no doctor though.
  19. This past Easter I was at my mom's house for the weekend. I attend college so I thought it would be nice to change the scenery. Well anyways, it is the last day and I had to be back at college in a few hours. Our family had a nice Easter Dinner. So much good food. We were eating and I made a comment to my younger sister(K) saying "How's that diet doing?" because we had soooo much food. My older sister(A) across from me then comments saying "She should really punch you in the face for that one." Ok hear me out. This doesn't sound major but in my situation it is. Before dinner me and my younger sister(K), were both talking about health and weight and how hard it is to be healthy and we had a laugh about it. (This is rare, us getting along) So when I made that comment it was a joke to both of us because it is hard to lose weight sometimes especially during the holidays. When my older sister said that comment to me about wanting my sister to punch me, I was hurt to a point where I couldn't react. Here is why. My immediate family consist of only girls and growing up, the house was very exclusive towards men. My mom had a really bad marriage and divorce and now is extremely bitter towards men. I hear about how awful they are. Growing up I was the outcast of the family. no one understood that I am a male and do have traits different than females. So I always felt like I was raised to have a mindset of a women. I never had any father figure in my life ever. My younger sister(K) was always mean to me throughout the years and was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. She would enjoy slapping me because well she could get away with it. It's gotten so bad that when anyone raises their hand I flinch... I would tell me mom about it but she just says the same thing. "I can't do anything about it." This makes me angry because even if I say something that has no mean intention it will somehow come off as offensive and then I would get called out on how rude and mean I am. But hear she is slapping me, manipulating me, and making up all sorts of reasons why I deserved x,y, and z. I also was molested and physically abused by my sister that I no longer live with because I got adopted. My younger sister(K) was also adopted with me. But anyways, so when my older sister(A) said that I felt a lot of rage. What I got and keep on getting while living in a house of all women is that it is ok to hurt men but if a man lays a finger on them they are evil. My younger sister will hide behind the "you can't touch a women" and every type of saying like that, that makes her invincible. I'm just supposed to get all the attacks. Yeah it is so funny for me to get punched in the face. how about everyone at the table laugh. What made it worse is my younger sister(K) made an offensive comment to me and everyone didn't even think anything of it. I also get the teasing and laughs about taking care of my niece. I'm sorry I'm awkward around kids. To be honest I have depression and I am still very young and barely have enough energy to step outside my room. but lets all make fun of me because I don't have those maternal instincts. in fact let's just make fun of me because I have an XY chromosome. They also loved to tease me about my hobbies. God forbid I enjoyed imaginative play, Legos, videogames, sci-fi(my mom tried to FORCE me to stop watching scifi), hot wheels, and technology. They would get me some of the stuff but then judge me. I was always the "joke" of the family get-togethers. Oh he is just weird. Don't mind him, he is just off in his own little world. Let's not take him seriously EVER.... I don't hate women at all. About 90% of the people I am close with are women. They are very good to me. But my mom's bitterness of men and the treatment I get for being a man is making me become bitter of women which is a big deal because I am a huge supporter of women's rights and I don't look at women at a lower value then men at all. I'm just starting to think of all the ways I have been screwed over in my family because of my sex. Now I have a huge grudge with my older sister for making that comment because of the things I have been through, and how it is ok in the family to hurt men only. It was the last straw on my tolerance on the blatant hypocrisy.
  20. Quarkygurl: Thanks! That is what I will have to do because i will be under people's control until I learn to be myself without thinking something is wrong or feeling guilty. Years of having a semi narcissistic sister drilling drivel down my throat will do that I guess. :/
  21. I never have a valid reason to be upset according to 99% of the planet. It is always if you weren't so this, or you need to do this differently, x.y. and z doesn't behave like this, you need to man up, you have to do this, life isn't fair, other people have it worse, maybe you are the problem, well if you just try this, you are dull, you're too negative, you're too social, you're not social enough and such and such. I try and work on my self constantly, trying to improve things I need to work on. I know there are a lot of things I need to work on and I try a lot and have made a lot of progress within a year. No matter what though I am usually blamed for something. I hardly give out my input if ever and when I do it blows in my face. Any step I take to take care of myself is met with a guilt trip of some kind and if I have a genuine complaint about something, it is me who has to change my ways of thinking. People will use my depression against me in every chance. "You're just not thinking clearly," you need to calm down. (I'm not even yelling) And many times I wait until I am mentally well to confront a situation, after I analyzed it thoroughly. Being constantly compared to others and held up to standards no one else holds themselves up to creates a lot of self guilt and self blame. I know there are still a lot of things to fix and those things I take full responsibility on. I believe it is wrong to want a bit of respect from people. I know the world isn't fair but that doesn't mean one can use that line anytime they want to get out of taking responsibility. Idk, I just want to live my life in peace without the lectures, the butting into my business, blame, judgment, and manipulation. Although it is also my fault for thinking that too. I just cant catch a break.....
  22. StoniumFrog, I really liked your comment! Someguywithpants: It seems like you are getting awesome suggestions and things to think about :)
  23. Wow.... I'm glad I have read this. Thank you so much for sharing. That is a tough situation. I'm too a 23/male in college and I am going through something very similar except I haven't even completed my undergrad and feel heavily judged for it. I do pretty fair I school. It is so hard to get motivated in anything when you have debilitating depression, but not doing anything makes you depressed as well. So you spend most nights depressed on how you don't have enough motivation to do things that your too depressed to do that leaves you depressed. It is a vicious cycle. I don't have any real answers but I feel like you do have talents somewhere that are hidden under your depression. I say don't try to force it. That makes you feel like more because you can't do such a "simple" task hence the beating yourself up. I don't know how you are socially, but I know you said you haven't got much support because that does help. I don't have much either. One thing I know for certain, is you have accomplished ALOT with dealing with depression. Don't forget that. I too tried Social Work but couldn't handle it. It takes a pretty competent person and emotionally built person to do that line of work. And you haven't lost the one thing others and I have lost. You seem passionate at least about your job. I would give anything again to feel that passion I once felt. And lastly, for some reason I have been seeing a lot of 22-25 year olds feel this way. Its that weird age where you are unsure about the future and it's worth and it's scary. I would say look around you and find something that draws you in. You my find it from your job, a visit in another place, or from something you happen to see that peaks your interest and builds up that drive. And I should take this advice, but start small and work your way up. I wish you the best of luck!
  24. For months now I have had very little to no energy. I have no idea how I made it through finals but I did. Now I'm home and feel even more empty. I have been so frustrated with myself because I can't be the person I truly am without having the world literally turn against me. The fear of hostility and rejection is keeping me from being free. I hate that I can't even defend myself. It really wears me out. I should be able to say what is on my mind but I can't. Life isn't worth it, if I can't even get a soul to listen to what i say seriously or have people respect my boundaries. Life for me is also going against the tide. If I am myself I have to push through the endless amounts of ignorance, whining, yelling, manipulations, and platitudes. I don't want my life to be one huge fight. I'm tired, and just can't do that anymore. I just hibernate in my room. I lost so much passion over the last couple of years and it saddens me because it truly make me happy to enjoy things I love. I'm just going through the motions. Stepping outside this room will result in some sort of breakdown. I keep myself prisoner. I never was THIS defensive but after so much of it, I just give in because my body can't fight any longer. I fought my whole life. I don't believe giving up fully will be my fate though. I still feel I have SOMETHING keeping me going just enough to go through each day without being suicidal. You see, I'm home with my family as well for the summer and being here reminds me why I became this way. My semi-abusive sister made it her mission to make me as self conscious as possible and teased me on any flaw I made. And my mom over protected me so much that I never learned to take risks. But not being able to listen to my gut and make myself happy is my own fault. I know my family, and all the other terrible people in my life were all very wrong about me but I still let them have so much control over me. I'm tired of fighting myself for my own freedom. I'm tired of the endless conversations in my head, and tired of being so scared of actually putting myself as a priority.
  25. That was an amazing read. Thank you for such the well thought out reply. You are very good at conveying and articulating your thoughts. I have trouble in that department @_@
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