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Icarus21

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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. I don't really even know what to say.... those feelings are all so familiar to me. I am sorry you feel this way. I feel like this now and it is nothing but guilt. I am still completing my bachelor's. You managed to finish your degree. That says a lot. Especially when you said it wasn't really your passion. You must of really pushed yourself. I struggle with it too. The thing about looking your parent's in the eye got to me. I wish I had real concrete suggestions to give out. I think the best thing you can do is keep trying. It seems like you do have a lot of potential and really hit a road bump. If anyone judges you because you are in a tough spot right now, then they don't really deserve your company or time. It is hard to feel like you failed and aren't the person you used to be. It seems like all you can do is stare at everyone live their lives. I hope you can feel that "spark" again. And try to get better for you and only you. No one else. You don't owe them anything. I should be saying this to myself as well. And while you are waiting, do you think there is anything you can do to transition yourself from where you are now to where you want to be? Like taking really small baby steps. Even if you are not as "successful" as everyone else, doesn't mean you are a failure. Obviously you are taking things very seriously and I can see you aren't being lazy or making excuses. I hope you will find something that you will enjoy! Entropy: I am terrible sorry to hear that. I hope you can get out of the situation your in. Be careful about lying though. I'm afraid it might come back to get you and make things even worse :/ But I understand why you would want to
  2. Life at the moment hasn't been easy and even though I am continuing to make progress, I feel like it is not enough at this point. I'm back at college and feel like I have to put up this facade. Over the summer, I was dealing with new issues and newly discovered PTSD which was both good to finally figure out what I really have, but rose up new issues. I don't feel suicidal anymore but I am exhausted frequently. It has been hard to stay on top of work. I'm not exactly behind, but I had so many wasted opportunities to get ahead. Most of my energy is spent on trying to hide the fact that I am dealing with the rawest stage of my illness. I feel extremely vulnerable right now. People want to hang out. Teachers or students want me to join club X,Y,Z. People want to ask how I am. And at this moment, I feel like I only have enough energy to focus on school and me time. Plus, I don't want to burden anyone with my issues. Right now I am missing a club I joined last week and I'm just too afraid to tell them why I can't make it anymore. I hate coming up with dumb excuses. I hate not telling the truth. And telling the truth would be very awkward. It is hard to seem myself like the other student right now. In some way I feel a little envious, which is sort of new. I know it is bad but I feel saddened that my PTSD has taken so much away from me. Mainly my drive and passion. I feel so restricted. I feel like I am held to the exact same level as everyone else and blamed when I can't achieve as much as a healthy person. I am both glad and a tad envious a lot of people who never felt that way. I think it is because they are the first to give platitudes or be condescending. I am put in awkward situations. Often, my brain will be saying the most terrible things to myself such as you are pathetic, why are you even here, you aren't like that person there, look at them, you will never become that, stop being lazy and making excuses... and the like. And out of the blue someone will pop up and say "Hi, how are you' My response is: "I'm doing great thanks" -_- And it is usually when I just want to break down and cry which has been a lot recently. I can't even look people in the face sometimes. Why do I feel so ashamed of myself? Is it because the college assumes that everyone is perfectly healthy and doesn't have outside issues? How do I even explain to a teacher I feel like I'm living in the worst nightmare each day and that some days I can't physically perform my best? I go to every single class. I do all my work. I try so hard. I participate in class, I DO in fact step out of my comfort zone sometimes, but it is never enough and I will always need to try harder and it is all my fault and I shouldn't use my issues as an excuse and such and such. And how dare I am forgetful or blank out in class or stutter or say something dumb out of nervousness. Someone will be sure to point that out. So I try my best everyday to look like a capable person not on the verge of falling apart. I mean who has time for me? And to be honest I wouldn't fully blame anyone. I make it my dying goal (literally) to fake my way through campus to avoid you shoulds, awkward adventures, and conflict. By the end of my classes, I make sure all that energy is spent on trying to look presentable. And before you know it my energy meter is empty, and OOPS! None left for getting ANYTHING done. Somehow it does get done eventually. And next day I'm sure to be presented with a you should have tried harder. -_- Not that any of this is said to me directly. Even if it isn't true, my mind (PTSD) will make sure to bring up a list of all of the terrible things that has been said to me. Even myself wants to fight with me. I currently see a school counselor, Psychiatrist, Disabilities, and another staff member, but I need time to know if any of it is effective. There is a lot of great help, my Psychiatrist is eh, but that is another story for later. Even with all the help I receive, It is still hard to manage. I should feel guilty for that too. My mind now will pull up every time someone blamed me for not recovering fast enough. I'm exhausted.....
  3. Yay! Another quirk lover! Yeah, I keep trying to tell myself it is just me being difficult and not my PTSD because I am stubborn and try not to blame all my issues with my disorders, but I was thinking PTSD would be a big factor in situations like these. I'm lucky if my mind gets a break for a couple minutes at a time. Fight or Flight is my middle name. It is a stressful, scary state to be in. I feel like I'm a lose cannon in those situations and would rather flee than take anyone else down with me. I even notice a HUGE difference if I'm in a room with little clutter to a room where it is hoarded with junk. Messy rooms make me on edge and uncomfortable. And high pitch sounds drive me up the wall unless it is a violin (in tune) or an ocarina or flute type instruments. Hmm I will have to look more into this though. And understand why. That's the psych nerd in me calling!
  4. Tiffany: Haha, that part about the noise. You can't escape at all. Sounds like a nightmare gone wrong! Hopefully your husband is understanding now. I heard that hypersensitive or as they say Highly sensitive people also don't like bright lights. It can be overpowering. I did have a situation as a kid where I saw a fireworks show and realized what hell was like. The noise hurt so much that I was crying screaming and jamming my poor mother's fingers in my ear. To this day, I can't be near them. 4th if July makes me sad I love authentic people as well and love people who don't always try to be perfect. I enjoy little flaws in them and enjoy people having quirks. It makes interacting with others so much easier. I always thought I was so behind and too late to improve. Everyone around me at college just brags about how busy and exciting their lives are and every conversation becomes a contest to one up another. They look down on anyone people not on their level and don't understand people have differences. And god forbid you aren't a social butterfly.... Brenn: Aww thank you! I like that line "I am not my disorder" Very true! I hope your daughter can see that too. I feel so guilty when I retreat to my room. I like quiet. While I do care for my mom, she has a habit of talking about her life with really no interest to mine so I just go in my "cave" I just live with my mom and we don't really have much in common at all. We have a lot of conflicting personalities and are on completely different wavelengths. We still care for each other in our different ways. I feel bad but, she can trigger a lot of bad thoughts that I would prefer not to think about. I go back to school in 2 days and live in an apartment, so my atmosphere and mood might change a little. Sadly, I left last semester with a really bad taste in my mouth...
  5. Thank you for the kind words Tiffany! Just hearing what you wrote gave me some well needed peace. At first I thought my post might be too harsh or offensive and didn't want it to come across that way. At the same time I am working on being true and honest with myself because if I can't do that, what am I? I usually have a knack for having the unpopular opinion. I don't try to have opposite opinions. But I can understand why someone may have the opposite opinion. I wish others could learn that as well and respect each other. But I know that may not be a reality. Omg! So you have problems with noise as well. Earplugs might not be a bad idea. I always have earphones with me. I looked it up, and I believe it has to do with being hypersensitive. I can't even go to huge theme parks or even the store most times without feeling overwhelmed. It's like my mind can't part with the noise and everything becomes fuzzy. It is like an astral projection experience. It's like I'm there but not. And being at college with people who party non-stop, blast rap music to unspeakable limits, and all talk all at once takes a toll. I always get that "look" when I say I don't want to go to a club or bar. I do enjoy a nice quiet bar with a couple of friends though. "human beings have been singling out people who are different since the beginning of time" - I agree so much with this! I feel like I always have to conform and I start to lie to myself that the other people are right, and I do it so much I start to believe it. But there is always an uneasy pit in my stomach when I do. It's like my gut telling me I am going against the natural flow of my body. It kills me. It embodies my depression and confines me. Keeps me trapped. Some people would use the words "confirmation bias" against me. And being someone who was adopted at a young age and had to be given up at birth due to a mother struggling with addiction, I really do appreciate people who are kind and loving to kids and make sure they can have the best start. Sadly, I was never in a place where I was ok myself and don't have the energy or will to take care of children. They have a liking to me and I feel guilty I can't be there exactly for my nieces and nephew and don't want to worry them with my situation.
  6. Wow, I can relate a lot. I'm sorry you have trouble reaching out to people. It is very hard when you feel like you put in effort and love but don't get the same back. I really wish I had a grand answer to all of this but I don't and I'm just as stuck as you are. I turned into someone who would always try and make new friends, to someone who just doesn't even wants to be bothered talking to new people. I mean what's the point? I try not to become so bitter and try and make sure I am as reasonable as I can be and also make sure I am looking at the situation with a clear mind. It really isn't easy. I guess I can ask you how old are you, and what type of people are around you. I noticed that I am in a college setting and a lot of students their are still developing and maturing. A lot don't understand basic manners and are very selfish. I have noticed that most people don't really have time for one another and it is very hard to plan anything since everyone runs on different schedules. It still sucks and I try and be understanding. But I'm sure you have experienced one sided friendships, and they aren't ok. They become toxic and worse the more you are in such a relationship. I have noticed a lot of people around me love talking about themselves but never ask about the other person. I wonder why that is now? I feel like people in their 20's are too busy selling their reputations and building their lives that others are sometimes used as a tool to get them ahead. I'm glad you found Depression Forums though. It is nice because usually everyone can relate in some way and will happily give their time to listen. I think the best thing you can do, is remember that is a reflection on them and not you. Someone who listens to others and gives is someone with a lot of heart and a lot to give. At least that's what I like to think. I hope you are able to find more like-minded friends who will make time for you. It is a bunch of trial and error sadly.
  7. Ok, this is a needed vent. I feel like I need to share this anywhere and it has been lingering in my head for so long. I have a lot of different "quirks" that are often frowned upon people. I don't have these quirks on purpose or to be difficult. I just do. And I am TIRED of having to constantly defend myself. Some of them are: 1) I'm not really an animal or baby (kid) person. I know, I am a horrible human being... But I never get to explain why. I'm against neither don't even dislike either at all. I just can't be around situations with a lot of stimuli. I just can't. When their is too much going on, my senses are really overwhelmed and I start to lose consciousness and lose my awareness. Children and some animals like dogs are very high energy beings. They have lots of energy and make a lot of noise. My reaction to some noises makes me rage to the point of suicidal thoughts. One day my niece got really sick and we had to take her to the hospital. I was in the back seat trying to comfort her, but it was so hard since she was crying so loud in a high pitch. It physically hurt me and it also made me feel bad she was suffering. But the crying drove me to a suicidal point and I would of done almost anything to get out of the situation. I also had bad experiences with my other nieces and nephew growing up as things changed in my life. When my one sister started having a family, I became more distant with everyone. No one even paid attention to me after that and whenever the "grownups" wanted to talk they always pushed me to play and entertain the kids and I always did. (I'm a grownup btw). I think after a while, I grew out of the idea of children. Sadly, all my nieces and nephew are good kids and but now that they are getting older, I'm kind of left for dead. But to most, I am selfish, need to grow up, need to understand children even though I learned so much from developmental and child psych (Psych minor). Why is it that I have to be excited as everyone else about children? Why do people give me such a hard time? But mostly, I can't be around a lot of things going on at once and my dog and sister's niece are very , very loud and constant. Other things: I am 23 and don't enjoy clubbing or drinking excessive amounts of alcohol but somehow it isn't social acceptable to be responsible with alcohol and other substances. I admit I'm a picky eater. I don't like my food touching because I have very sensitive taste buds. I hate the flavor of clashing foods. "It all goes down the same place" No duh! But it doesn't taste the same and I like foods to be separate. I don't mind foods with a lot of ingredients in them...sigh. Also I have Tourette's and can't help but touching everything or making humming noises. People will stare and point that out. I'm gay and have a bit of a higher voice. People will point that out. I have Cerebral palsy and limp and people will point that out. Just about every little thing I do, I am challenged, looked at, judged, or whatever. I just want to be able to go out somewhere without someone pointing out something or giving me a hard time. People just really need to mind their business and let me live with my own life. I hate being the people pleaser. I hate spending 90% of my time battling my feelings because they are different than the norm or not as socially acceptable.....
  8. I can relate to a lot of this. It looks like you have accomplished a lot despite being in your situation. I am also 23 and still have yet to get a job and get my license. I am working on my permit but can't seem to focus. I was depressed as long as I can remember. All my childhood, like you was just trying to survive. I didn't have the energy left to focus on the things people my age did. And now that I am slowly getting better, I feel so behind and that creates another type of depression. Most people my age are all living their lives and are mostly independent for the most part. I just got out of the worst of my funk less than a year ago and have slowly been improving but I have to live with judgments and people telling me how to live my life. I don't have much of a social life either and only really have one friend. I'm still in college and there seems to be a huge maturity gap. I really just don't relate to many of my peers. A lot of them can be very immature, superficial, and have poor communication skills. And if you aren't like them they will make it known. I have tried so much to be social with people and step out of my comfort zone. Either they shut me out, judged me to death, didn't communicate with me, or just lied to me. It was always one thing after the other and I just retreated from everyone ever since. So I just stay to myself most of the time. And I know it is not the most healthy option it usually only takes about a minute with someone before I break down. I am always trying to connect but haven't found it yet. I feel even more lonely around others. But yes, I feel like I have to play catch up and it is humiliating. I picture it like a game of double dutch. The ropes go faster and faster the more your by yourself and to rejoin society you have to jump back in but have to be careful of getting hurt while you jump back in. And the ropes never slow down because life seems to never slow down for anyone. I hope you are able to get where you need to. You really seem like a level-headed guy. Best of luck! ~Icarus
  9. I think people flock to us to vent their problems because they know we will listen no matter what and If we don't they will use manipulation tactics to keep us listening. I know as a depressed person, I gotten angry at others for not listening and sometimes wasn't fair. I have looked at how others did this to me and have changed for the better and I only share when I'm in a super dark place and just need company. Even then I feel guilty for involving them in my issues. It's always one of the extremes. Venting too much or keeping everything in. Even if you rarely vent, it is too much in people's eyes. I really think we should ween those people out of our lives. They can create toxic environments. It's just a lot harder when it's family :/
  10. Wow! Your situation is very similar. It looks like you always have to be the strong one and the one to support your mother. It is weird how that works when it should be the opposite. I won't lie, there are times where I do vent but I have to REALLY show it that I'm serious and have to almost force her to listen. Because in day to day conversation, my mom takes over and if there in she doesn't like she will let you know. Those sarcastic uh huhs get to me. But enough about me. It is kind of nice having someone who can relate to my situation but unfortunate. I am so sorry you have to put up with so much. I believe parents should be able to provide that type of support to their children so they can flourish and get their ideas down, be creative, plan, get out frustrations, and grow. I don't know if I would call it emotional abuse but it certainly is being emotionally unavailable. That isn't necessarily the parents doing it on purpose or to be vindictive but as people we need that essential need. To be heard, to bounce ideas and thoughts back and forth. It is good for the brain and it really helps me look at things in a different perspective, if I can share with other people. I am glad go hear that you will be a good ear for your children. It is very good to listen. And it isn't easy when you are dealing with your own depression. My mom isn't a terrible person or bad, she just can't offer me those basic needs that kids need. She can't get past her past couple relationships with her 2 ex-husbands and I can understand how bad she must feel, but parent's can hurt their kids when they use them as sounding board. And that part about your mom greeting you with a hello, only to talk about herself really resonates with me. it seems like you are strong despite everything that is happening. And it's brings me peace to know I'm not just being overly-sensitive or "in my head stuff" Thank you for sharing! ~Icarus
  11. Ok, this might be long, but I hope you all can bare with me :\ A few days ago, me and my mom got into a fight about "listening" I was trying to tell my mom that I wished she listened to me more and was less sarcastic. I told her I wish she could use eye contact when talking to me instead of resorting to sarcastic uh huh's. I told her how much it hurts to feel like I am unheard. I then made it clear to her that this wasn't an attack on you and this has been happening with just about all my relationships with people. I continued to stress how I need to say this to you and even though people will get angry, I need to learn to speak up and stand up for myself. My mom missed the entire message and took offensive. She kept repeating that she does listen to me while being very defensive and ignoring what I just said. In defense to my mom, it was really late and she was really tired. But she takes care of my sisters baby everyday and I don't have those moments to share a lot with her. I continued to be share how I was feeling until she said, "I don't need another husband" I just paused and knew that it was no use continuing the conversation. My mom has a low opinion of men and her husband she was referring to was an abusive alcoholic. I felt like it was unfair to bring that up only because I am saying things that make you uncomfortable. My mom is very stubborn and difficult and is oblivious to her own faults. She also complains about her mothers faults, but she shares many traits with her. In her eyes, my mom is never wrong and she gets extremely defensive if a man says something she doesn't like. Being the only man in the house makes it that much harder since I never grew up with a father figure. And it is so hard when the house is more of a safe haven to bash men. I have listened to her vent about her detest for men for years now and it doesn't make it any easier. But I was really upset that she still didn't care to listen. And this whole conversation got me thinking about very heavy stuff. I came to a realization that I never had a place where I felt I truly belonged. My first years of my life were with an abusive foster family who never gave me the chance to live a healthy childhood. And when I got adopted, I continued being misunderstood. Since my adoptive family are all women, I didn't have a lot in common with the rest of them. I was the weird who was the butt of every joke. I thought about this further and realized my family doesn't really know who I am. I never grew up in a family where they genuinely wanted to know about your life. My other family members are able to share things and talk a lot but I was always shoved to the side. When my one sister had kids, the adults would get me to play with the kids so they could all converse with each other. I was always stuck with the kids entertaining them. It got to a point where I didn't enjoy being an uncle because it felt like a convenient way to ditch me. Even in car rides with my older siblings and mom, they would only talk to each other and very rarely chat with me. Since I was adopted, all my sisters except for one are all 14+ years older than me. I have 4 sisters. And all my 3 adoptive siblings already were apart of the family so I just kind of dropped in and always get reminded that we never grew up together and that I don't share my families history or sense of unity. I look at my other friends families and I see the mom asking them about their day and really engaging in their life. I see eye contact and things they have in common. I know their families aren't perfect but I have longed for cousins to play with when I was younger. I long for an activity my whole family has in common. I long for a conversation with my mom or sister that doesn't get constantly interrupted. I long for that eye contact and genuine engaging conversation. I long for friends and family who could listen to me for at least a minute without interrupting or changing the subject. I wish I wasn't always everyone's sounding board. It's not fair that no one will let me speak. As a human I need to SHARE. The good the bad, the interesting things in my life. I only have a couple of friends who this is possible with and it helped me see what a true, honest, genuine relationship is. It is sad that I can't get that kind if love and attention from my family and it hurts that I can't find a place to belong. It hurts that I am willing to listen and hear about everyone's day and venting but it is too much to ask for a little give and take. I have faced my fair share of neglect during my early childhood years and I have had my fair share of feeling invisible. Every day reminds me of this and everyday I struggle to find a place I can call home.
  12. Wow Flasquish... I couldn't imagine all the things running through your mind. Luckily, your SO is understanding and is surprisingly holding it together on his end. You seem like a very caring concerned, Husband/Boyfriend which I believe will help him find some comfort. But I really do understand your concern with him being locked away in a foreign country. Do you know the laws there? I was going to suggest what Els1e just said. Maybe there is a way you can state your situation and maybe that can get them to process your passports faster. I am not very knowledgeable on the laws so I wish I had more support to give in that area. But I do have to commend you for not giving into drinking. I could have made the situation even more stressful. You are staying really strong through this. You do have a reason to worry, and I don't think anyone blames you for not having your passport all ready. Like others have said, try and stay as calm as you can so you can be ready to help your SO. If anyone can get this series of misfortunate events resolved, it would be you. I will be thinking about you Flasquish. keep us updated! Best of luck to you and your SO. ~Icarus
  13. This post is way too relatable. I'm actually surprised a lot of other people struggle through the same debilitating paralyzed feeling of being "trapped" That comment about disappointed others who believe in us about made me cry. I feel guilty that I let others down or that I'm not as reliable. In a way though, I don't feel so alone in this now and that is both good and bad. Fizzle, you made a very good topic here. On top of being embarrassed, do you feel guilty and incompetent? Then you think about how useless you are. Before you know it, 3 hours went by thinking of how terrible you are. You could of used it to do something productive and beat yourself up some more. Never-ending cycle. :(
  14. Hello shadow! this was an interesting post. I am glad I read it. I am going through something very similar. Depression does all sorts of things to you. I have noticed that I am stressed lately and as a result, my Tourette's are back in full swing, I am stress eating like no tomorrow, and my choices in foods are far from healthy, and I can't sleep and have to pee every 5-30 minutes. I liked how you mentioned you felt different when you had those few days where you didn't feel as depressed. It seemed like you were able to "live" and "commit" I am a huge gamer and love movies, but it is also extremely hard to do. I wonder if it is mainly the depression at work, health, or both. Paying attention to your meds and how they affect you would be a good way to stay on top of you noticing your patterns because it looks like you know yourself a lot. You seem very aware of your mood patterns which is actually good. A lot of the suggestions were nice here! But I can't help feeling like a failure and gross because I can't curb my eating habits. I do hope those new meds help you. You could update us? :) ~Icarus
  15. Thank you unordinary! I am trying at least. I fail a ton but I have been putting more of an effort than I have been a few months ago. I mean I am still always in my room most of the time and I only interact with people sometimes, mostly my mom, but I also told myself not to overdo it, so I'm taking baby steps. I'm also bad at drawing too lol. It has that calm vibe to it though which is one of the few things to make me completely focus on the task at hand. :)
  16. Holy crap, you just described my summer. The rapid thinking making it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get anything done. That is a shame though, I think you know it's not a good thing to keep thinking about him but you just can't stop. That really sucks because I still feel that he took his problems out on you and now he is also dragging you down with him which is very selfish. I agree with HopeButterfly. You need time and need someone you can share this with as well. I think it is harder to let go of someone we once cared about no matter how bad they treated you. I have a few. As cliché as it is, I think time is the only way some of those wounds will heal. In the meantime be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty for being upset. Best of luck!
  17. This is AMAZING! It takes a lot of motivation to go back into the fray. I think this give a lot of people here hope! I hope this will become something very positive for you. Keep updating!
  18. Aww thanks for the feedback guys. You both had really kind things to say about me and other people suffering. Epictetus, I think you are a wonderful person too! I always enjoy reading your post! I feel like I'm just being lazy but at the same time I do know the reason for my escapism. And throughout my life, I had to escape to survive. I was always cast out by other people so I had to create my own world as a coping mechanism since age 5. People were nasty and no one knew I came out of an abusive foster system. And my adoptive family, while loving, were very judgmental of me and I felt like an outcast. I got into Legos, I drew, I became fascinated with video games, and anything else to escape. The pain was too much. This might sound pathetic but my last semester, I had to escape just to get by, limited myself to the outside world as much as possible. And the more I found myself wanting back into reality, the more I seen people pushing me away or telling me to go back to my hobbies because they didn't want anything to do with me. So I got angry that semester and granted everyone's wish. And when I was gone people wanted me back. It was just too much and it reminded me of my younger years. So in reality, reality was always "strange" to me. But I feel so guilty about it. I mean my life isn't that terrible right now but I feel like I'm "frozen" I believe just the thought of coming out of my world is a lot to take on. I have learned new skills since then and I have learned SO MUCH about myself and the world, that it may be more safe. I think I'm at the final recovering stages of my depression where I now know what to do but I have to defeat the big boss to move on. I'm almost there guys but still have a lot of work. And thank you for having faith in me. I definitely feel like an Oskar Schnidler. Beating this would be a HUGE accomplishment, but to most people, It will be me just snapping out of a pity party. And unordinary, I believe by escaping some I was able to look at things from afar which gave made me become very perceptive and look at the big picture on things. I also formed empathy and intuition as well as the ability to be more of an individual. I was always on the outside looking in. And don't be sorry Epictetus :)
  19. Many probably know how this feels. Your so depressed way past your limits and the only way to you feel able to stop from bursting is to escape into "another world" Then you get so used to it and safe you don't want to come out. And when you are finally wanting to come out you find it hard. In my experience transitioning back into the swing of things is a big challenge. One of the hardest. I mean this is my last resort tool that led me to keep going when my body just quit. I feel like jumping back into the "real world" is kike trying to jump into a game of hopscotch that keeps on swinging faster the more you wait. And if you make the wrong move while transitioning you will get knocked out. Also no one knows why you were in such a desperate situation either so things that are simple to them are like moving mountains to you. People will judge you, give you platitudes, and be puzzled why you can't even do the simplest of tasks. I feel small and really vulnerable. I know I have to come out of it though. At least in my time of escapism, I have learned a great deal about myself and became more rational in my thinking. Right now my this is a thing that only ME, I, can get through. The only things holding me back are fear and guilt. I feel guilty for feeling so "weak" and scared so I beat myself up which results in a nasty cycle. I don't say very nice things to myself. My mom who doesn't really share positive stuff about people has a lot more positive things to say about my than myself. I start my 5th year in college next month and I am starting to feel a bit anxious. last semester was when I started to escape heavily. I think it also doesn't help being in an environment full of self centered, narcissistic, students who constantly boast about their successes. There are some really good people there but doesn't help when I feel the complete opposite of most of my peers. I need to learn how to be confident and be ok that I am at a different spot than my peers. I feel like defeating my fears will be most of the battle for my depression/PTSD.
  20. I am really sorry Lucy. That is a terrible thing to happen. He shouldn't of attacked you like that at all. That seemed really out of line. From reading, it looked like he was bottling everything up and then burst at the wrong person. Sadly, I know I had a few moments of doing the same and they weren't exactly my proudest moments. I would maybe give him a little time to figure things out and if he still blames you then I would immediately cut ties off with him because that will end up being toxic. I am also sorry about your past boyfriend passing away. That stuff stays with you forever. Even then, wanting to stay in that relationship will make things worse. But I can completely understand feeling lonely and it really sucks. ' I hope you can get to a place where you don't have to feel alone. And from what I read, this is HIS issue that he needs to deal with, and I am pretty sure he wasn't sure about himself either. And some suggestions (Don't have to take them :]) But do you do other things to get your mind off things. I am a huge failure at this. When I'm sad I just go online and make it worse. I should draw, actually try to finish my anime, and study for my permit. It is really hard though. And especially when you feel lonely and kind of lost. I also fail at this, but making sure your taking care of yourself as well, which can be hard. But at the same time don't beat yourself or blame yourself. And lastly, welcome to DP!
  21. Smithci- I am really glad those supplements are working for you! It looks like you found a great alternative that works for you. I know I need something like that. And I am hopeful I will figure it out. :) It is a bummer that the UK is no better with dealing with MI. In the US it cost a lot and it is not guaranteed to even work.
  22. Wow... I am terribly sorry your experiences were like mine. It is a shame it is similar in the UK also. I was hoping other places were different than the US but it looks like the world still has a ways to go with dealing with Mental illness. It certainly has improved over the couple centuries, but it is still rough. Yeah, I was only a paycheck too. And the social worker at the time knew what was going on. I was abused physically and sexually and he did nothing about it. I think I have been messed with too much. I am trying to get back on my feet and I think you will too! I hope somewhere down the line, coping with this will be easier and more understood by the general population.
  23. Oh yes one last question for you! how is the mental health system in the UK. I am curious on how things are ran there. I always wanted a European's perspective.
  24. Mark250- Hello there! It is nice to know I am not the only one who had bad experiences with medication. I'm glad they work for other people though. I always wondered why I got started on them so late. It was just right after coming from an abusive foster system and I think anyone would be messed up after that so why they assumed I was mentally ill from the very start seemed a bit hasty. I am thinking about going back on my Celexa as it barely had any side effects and wasn't an antipsychotic and see how I do. I can really relate to the socialization part. It really is a double edged sword. And what happened was the Mental health place kept constantly switching Psychiatrist on me so it was almost impossible to get me on a good system and I only saw them once every 3 months for only 15-20 mins. I about gave up and tried to go back to my other place and it seemed ok at first trying to find me a doctor and then when my appointment came no one showed. My case worker was supposed to show at my house and never came. It has been a year and there has been no communication from them since. And this isn't the first time something like this happened with them. I even tried calling a month or two later and they said they would get a hold of someone but never did. It still affects me greatly to this day and my last ounce of trust I had then was gone. Luckily now I have a little bit but it's something I can't forget.
  25. *This Post isn't to try and knock medication to get others to stop taking theirs. This is exclusively from my experience* I started taking medication near the age of 7. Unlike many, I never really had much of a say on being on antidepressants. My mother believed it would benefit me and I don't blame her for my bad experiences with medication. To be honest, I don't remember my life before medication. So it is really hard to gauge my "normal" I have tired so many combinations but nothing has really worked for me and I got really bad side effects like weight gain, fatigue, and supposed breast growth.(I'm a guy). I had a lot of different psychiatrists in my life along with therapists and other professionals, and I only felt comfortable with only 2 of my psychiatrist. Many were insensitive, judgmental, condescending, arrogant, detached, and lacked basic empathic skills. For a year now I have been completely off of meds. My last experience with a psychiatrist was probably one of the most traumatic things to happen to me and I can't get past it. So I quit and just stopped cold turkey. I know to many that sounds bad and it is not exactly a wise thing to do but given my situation, it was worth the risks. I also really needed to see who I really was without medication. My gut was telling me to stop because I had no way of telling what was me or the meds. Luckily my gut was right. After been off meds for a couple of months I could tell a difference. Things were and are still hard and some days are worse and better than other. But I haven't been suicidal at all (Had a few suicidal moments) But it was nothing like having them nearly everyday when I was on the meds. Everything is different now. I see things more realistically but that comes with its problems. I feel like I am rebuilding my whole life and seeing things for what they really are. Everything used to be everyone else's fault and hope was an illusion. Now, I am looking on ways to improve myself, I'm making goals, I'm taking a lot more responsibility for things, and learning to cope a lot better on my own. Things are still hard though. Right now I am mostly secluded in my room and don't really socialize. I always wanted to surround myself with people and get out there, but I am still grieving from old and new traumas. I still beat myself up because I can't shake my reoccurring thoughts. But at least I am looking at things more rationally. I always feel and still feel like people try to push medication on me or make me feel guilty for not taking them. I still have a TON to work on but even knowing I have ways to get better is a huge improvements. I felt like by taking meds, I wasn't doing anything to help MY depression. It was just listen for 15 minutes but interrupt me for about 10 and diagnose me. I feel like by not being on them, I can work on my core self and build from there. I never had a choice to be on medication in the first place. I feel like other people will look at me and judge me now for not taking meds and it is hard making personal choice that isn't popular. Anyone else go through something similar?
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