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Icarus21

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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. Hey, I am sorry you are having so much trouble weaning off your meds. Medication is tricky and not an exact science so it is really unpredictable what could happen whether you change or lower or raise a dosage. I personally have stopped taking SSRI's as I believe they made me worse. I went through a lot of PDocs and all of them seem to vary in practice. Maybe you can see another professional to get another perspective. You seem like a very nice person and it is unfortunate you are struggling. I'm still struggling and haven't had success with medication so far. I am still trying to find out other alternatives or find different doctors who can give me different kinds of advice. I hope you can find someone who can assist you off your medication. I'm still searching for that someone. And you may have to rely on the medication. It is a bit of a necessary evil or try other alternatives such as improving health or practicing coping mechanisms. But everyone is different so that may not work either. Best luck to you! Sorry if I'm no help :/ But I agree with lauryn with the counselling part. They helped me find other sources of help while helping me cope.
  2. Sorry guys. I was meaning to respond back a while ago but was so preoccupied with everything else. My apologies. There are a lot of great responses. All of them were interesting to read and enjoy you taking your time to respond. I did manage to talk to my friend via text ad she felt really bad. We talked about this before and she said she does have trouble noticing when she talks a lot or dominates a conversation since she has ADHD. It was harder dealing with it with her because she is a decent person and isn't malicious at all. And after I explained to her she wanted to try and work on it and actually listened. That is WAY MORE than I can say about every other person I had this conversation with. She's an amazing friend otherwise! I will try and be more forgiving with her and practice cutting in. Sadly I think she got the blow of my frustration because it was built up from previous friends who just could not put a sock in it and wanted to cut me off any chance they got. Nopawn, you are right. I believe this is more of an environmental thing. Some people were raised to constantly talk and socialize and be the front and center of conversations while others were raised to be more passive and taught how to listen. Both have their pros and cons. It is just frustrating because the other person does not get that other people do not operate like them and cannot think of anything outside their worldview. I believe that is the biggest strength with being passive. I absorb so much in that I can understand different viewpoints. Usually I don't have much to say but when I do it is nice for someone to listen. I hate when I have nothing to say and I am forced to make small talk or feel like I am. Because then I am the one saying gibberish and boring the other person so I kept my mouth shut most of the time. It would be nice to just go up to someone and talk about my drawings, a movie, videogame, traveling locations, electronics, food but I usually get interrupted or the person looks bored. I don't even get 3 sentences in before I just stop what I'm saying and just leave. Those back to back conversations are extremely rare. I hate the ones where people have to talk over the other person or one up each other. Allicted, I hear that a lot and it is true. Sadly I have a bad history of speaking up and things backfiring in my face. Luckily, it did not happen with my friend who I described. I was thankful for that. Ratboy, I think that is why I am a huge listener. I think it is important to let people share things about themselves. And as a friend I think it is important to learn as much as I can about the other person. I love helping people get what they need off their chest, however, I don't like when things become so one sided where they get snippy at me for venting. I do vent but no where near to the amount where I listen. Fizzle: I think you just described me to a T with the internally rolling your eye part haha. I think some people are way too full of themselves and purposely try and dominate a conversation. I guess it may be because I'm in college, but a lot of conversations do tend to be me, me, me. After a while I just here me, me, me, mine, me, me. I have managed to find some people who did not fall into this so it is refreshing! Ahiddensmile: Aww I'm sorry :/ That is how I feel a lot of the times. Well I enjoy talking to you! I like online communication for this reason at times. But yes, Pokefan for life! Oh Wrenn do not even get me started! I feel like I'm used for a booty call, except the booty part. I have had friends like that and It still never fails to amaze me how selfish and unaware people are. I really haven't socialized much because I feel like that has been my major role and I don't want to play that part anymore. I am super selective with the people I hang around now.
  3. I told myself as long as their are people like that, I do not want to socialize. Not only for my sake but for theirs. It is what got me further into disassociation. It also brings me the most amount of anger. Super scary anger that even I am frightened of. So I try and forget about the situation. Like earlier today. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury to select the people I have to talk to. There are friends that I can choose and then there are times I am obligated to socialize. It has gotten so bad I am beginning not to care about others. A lot of days I do not feel anything for my peers and makes me sad because I feel like a horrible person.
  4. Lately I came across people I would identify as conversational narcissist. This doesn't mean they are bad people. It means they tend to dominate a conversation and only want to talk about themselves. If the topic goes somewhere else they either cut you off or talk over you or just stop engaging. It makes having connections with friends and family hard because it seems to happen often so I usually shut down. Yesterday I was at Starbucks with a friend and me and her were talking about college related things. She was sharing stuff about her frustrations and I listened for about 15 minutes straight just letting her vent and get things out. I asked her questions, gave her eye contact and tried to offer ways of helping. So then we jump to less serious topics and I really wanted to tell her about something Pokemon related. We are both "nerdy" and like Pokemon. I was in the middle discussing something and she cuts me off to show me a funny video. I was like "hello I'm not finished" in my head. Sadly this isn't the first time this has happened and the other times were worse and I am getting kind of angry about it. She is a great person and friend but when I hang with her and my other friend, they both do not hear me. They spend hours talking about their favorite things to me. Some things are of interest to me and some things aren't. I listen regardless because I know how important they are to them. I sometimes will listen to them talk about their interest for sometimes a good 15 minutes straight without a word in. the second I want to share something, they say "oh that is stupid" or "I don't care about that" and move on to something else. It really hurts. It is not fair for me to have to listen to all of their interest and ideas without giving me the opportunity to share mine. I put up with it so much because I do like these people but something inside of me is saying I don't want to deal with this anymore. That is rare. This type of situations have happened with so many people in the last few years and it reminds me why I became somewhat of a recluse. I believe it happened so much that I lost the ability to connect. It sucks because I usually think before I talk and that leaves me no time to say what I need to say. And when I am talking, no one gives me eye contact. Coming from a guy with SEVERE anxiety, that is utter bs that I'M THE ONE upset that others cannot listen or communication clearly. It may be why I have anxiety in the first place.
  5. I hope you enjoy yourself! It sounds like a great time. That isn't weird at all. Tell us how it went.
  6. Happy Thanksgiving! Even though you weren't having the best of days you were able to remember all the things you are thankful. Those are alot of good things! Umm.. Let me try. My very supportive mother I have a place to live. 2 actually I have my own space when I need it Access to wifi lol Fall is my favorite season I have a very pretty view from my window I'm still alive somehow Videogames My ability to do origami Being able to travel Ice cream Having cOMPASSION BEInG ABLE TO IgNORE THE FACT THAT MY CAP locks are glitchy Grateful that my cap locks fixed themselves Grateful for living in a safe environment Having enough money to feed myself My discovery of KPOP Fascination with Japanese culture I'm still passing my classes somehow My one sister was able to have a child
  7. Teddy: I eat them like chips too! it is a horrible habit. I use them to stress eat. Yeah, it stings a bit. They are GREAT people and I just met them not even a year ago but I do wish they could be more understanding of my interests as well sometimes. if I share something that excites me, I usually get a "I hate that" response... But no one is perfect and there are miles better than most people I befriended. So there is that I guess. Ip44: My favorite is Oatmeal Squares! they are so good! I also love cinnamon toast crunch but do not get them nowadays since they are basically sugar. They are so good though! Lucky charms are great and now recently started getting honey combs. Now those are laced with some super addictive drug. It is so bad and so good at the same time
  8. Ip44: Yay! Other cereal snacker or I should I say Cereal killer >:) Fizzle: That will be the epic grand quest to find other quirky, open-minded, sophisticated people! Teddy: That made me laugh a bit, That is a good idea. Though some who do it are two of my good friends from school. I don't think they know me as much as they think they do so I end up having moments where I am my random care-free self and they give me that, what did you just do look. Or the rare times I will have something to share that truly interest me and I just get laughs, and slight eye rolls sometimes. :/
  9. Scienceguy: I may be the opposite. I always wanted to fit in. My odd parts are the best thing about me that scare me a bit but most days I would throw that away just to be like everyone else. I don't like feeling special or different. As someone who was a special case as a child having a constant stream of professional services invade your life, emphasized how different I was from everyone else. I didn't really have parents at my first 5 years of living. Although I never identified with my adoptive family either. I am going to have to look up that though. "Enneagram" I never heard of it. It sounds interesting. Ip44: I guess when I say normal, about 99.99999% of people I have shared stuff with were just "shocked" at things I shared like I was some alien on another planet. Even some of the most mentally unstable people. Even when I say things like not taking interest in kids or not excited about bars and clubbing. They are like WHAAAAAAAAHT!!!??? When I am myself, all I get is you do this? You do that? You are so weird.. I can't believe you do this. Omg you eat cereal dry, omg you do this? Why do you do it that way. You aren't normal. Normal people don't do x, y, and z. Kids your age are doing this and the list goes on anytime I make any kind of social conversation. After a while you believe it whether it is true or not. I cannot have one conversation where someone is confused about an action I do. That or they laugh at me. Wow, I'm so glad me sharing about my love for this song is funny to you. Please laugh some more, I want to say. Because apparently I am just so dang funny to everyone else. I must sneeze the wrong way too. Oh wait I do...
  10. The answer is simple, but it's not material things like you are referring to. All I want in life is to be me and not having to receive hell for doing so. I don't find life even worth it if I have to CONSTANTLY fight just to be myself without someone forcing their opinion, beliefs, or whatever on me. I don't find it fun to place 1000 boundaries up only to have each one ignored. I don't find it enjoyable to do nothing but argue with people because whenever I truly want to be myself, I am not letting someone get what they want. People get hostile when I am my true self. You want to know how it is to question each and every sentence you say in fear it could backfire. I have to recite everything I say so I don't make SOMEONE upset. Because god forbid I do something for myself. When I confront someone, it is always turned around on me. I get blamed. get screwed. I get penalized. I constantly pick up people's messes. All the things I wanted in life such as having a job in something creative, being involved, or any human thing has been become useless now because they all would put me in those situations. But you know, I am still trying. I am still in college. I am still striving for my bachelors. I still keep going even though it is probably the worst place to heal right now. I keep going while people here keep screwing me left and right. I don't expect a lot from others. I really don't. And maybe I am so terrified of being myself because I am not someone who fits in with the majority. Never have. I am just "complicated", " a negative nancy," loser to most. I don't know about you but there are so many situations with people that make me extremely comfortable that are just not ok but are accepted by the public. When getting wasted out of you mind becomes more accepted than someone with PTSD trying to go through college, I just want to throw my hands in the air and say I quit. That isn't a world I ever want to be in or even pretend to be in anymore. And if I were to tell you the things about my daily life. you would probably look at me like I'm stupid and give me the biggest you are insane face just like everyone else does when I share just a fraction of myself. Sorry I'm angry and wish I didn't have to constantly explain myself like I am on trial. I believe in healing, I just believe my setting now will not be the place I heal. And Fizzle I get what you are saying about being born. I feel like I was just born a year ago and playing catch up and putting all the pieces together while everyone demands that I was born 23 years ago. I am going my absolute fastest but it is never ever enough. Teddy sorry to blow up on you. It is just frustrating. And reading a similar topic to mine just enhanced everything. You help out a lot on here. I am just so fed up even feeling so different than everyone on here. I don't want to create a negative space around here though.
  11. I think I should add something here as I feel strongly about this topic. I feel like there is a time and place for success stories. I personally feel a lot worse afterwards when someone tells me they have done x, y, and z and it helped them so it should help me too. It ignores the fact that I have tried some of the things they have suggested. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling you to try something that helped them that was a trigger to you and got you into the mess you are now. I have taken a lot of people's advice and suggestions and most of it made me a lot worse. That's why just listening goes a long way for me. On better days I don't mind hearing people's success stories as much. They still may not relate to their situation but I can listen to it without getting upset. To be honest, the last thing I want to hear when I am at rock bottom is how someone accomplished such a big task and then dump all of that guilt on you. It suggest "I did it so you have to as well" It makes others feel like you are saying they aren't trying those things or trying in general. When I do feel better, I do ask for such advice and I am more open to such stories. Unfortunately those days are kind of rare. I also suffer from PTSD and have had a horrifying childhood. It was terrible and it wasn't for some petty reason that average people face. I am also gay, black, raised by a white mom which causes me identity issues and I don't fit into my gay community so I have even more. I have cerebral palsy and a bunch of other misfortunes due from birth and my childhood. So sometimes It feels a little insulting hearing from people to force me to get better because they could. I don't surround myself with many people because I am a burden and all I do get is "just get better." But for the people who have found success, I admire you greatly and hope I can become as strong as to keep pushing through when things seem impossible. At the same time, I have avoided people like because it is just guilt trip after guilt trip. Maybe you guys aren't like that, but from my experience I am tired of being around people who constantly want to lecture and make me feel more s***ty than I already am. And I don't believe in luck. I believe a lot of it is due to the situation combined with a ton of other factors.
  12. Sorry I seem to be spamming the boards with my issues. I feel like this is one of the few places I can go to find some answers. Anyways, I really can't relate to anyone. Now I'm starting to believe I don't relate to you guys. I read a bunch of stories on here and even though I can relate to the depressive feelings, I cannot relate to much else. I read posts about people having medication that works or having some sense of normalcy. I don't ever recall a time in my life where it was ever normal. From birth till now, I never had a normal life. People tell me to go receive help or do this or do that because it helped them and it should help me. Problem is I have done most things people have suggested and none of it has helped me get out of this rut. Sure I came a long way but I am still not even close to being mentally stable. I hear people getting excited about their families, kids, pets, and other things and I never felt like I wanted any of that. I don't seem to want the normal things people want. I don't do what normal people do or even depressed people do. I am constantly in my mind. When others try and talk to me, I feel so disconnected. Everyone seems so unfamiliar and I have trouble relating to others because somehow I just don't feel human things. I have empathy and have emotions but I just feel so apathetic to it all. I kind of always have. I try and force myself to feel an interest to the usual human things but I can never get myself to actually feel it. I feel like most of my time in front of people is all an act. It is like I'm trying to act like a human. I also read post and many people seemed to have a period of time where they can remember some normal life. They can remember a time where they learned they were depressed. I wish I had that. A reference of a time that was normal to strive towards. I don't mean to diminish anyone's issues. I just feel I do get a lot of advice from people who have at least SOMETHING normal or some stability. I have done about everything to overcome this burden and I cannot shake it. And those situations made me a LOT worse. There is something that will not shake. I feel so tired. I know, I should try again, and again. I feel so burned out and can only remember the horrors of trying. The more I tried, the worse the situation. Is it possible since I was heavily abused for the first 5 years of my life that I lost the ability to connect and behave like everyone else? I can't even look at my current family anymore because I don't feel like a person. Ashamed that and frustrated I cannot relate or engage. This is terrible. I feel like I will be told to do xyz and other stuff I tried before and feel frustrated because I can't heal like everyone else...
  13. Fizzle: I like how you explained that. The energy behind what they say. That makes a lot of sense. I just didn't know how to put explain it as nicely as you. Yeah, a lot of advice or help from people seem extremely insincere and intrusive at times. I always feel like there is an unspoken ultimatum of me having to be happy or else. Elicia: Yeah, it is the pressure from others which makes things a lot worse. I like things to happen naturally. I think over the years, I have tried to do everything everyone tells me and It is like forcing myself through a wall made of diamond. Lyricstomylife: I nodded in agreement to everything you said. Well said! Ratboy: Yeah music is a great way to get me out of some of the deepest pits I have had. I use it when I want to motivate myself. I guess I am doing better than when I just used to vent like crazy on Facebook. So glad I deleted that. Now I just bottle everything in though. Wrenn: Aye! Yes, I don't need anymore guilt. It is also annoying because it starts to feel insulting. I hate when people give advice on things they have no idea about. And when you don't follow their advice they give you a hard time. Gee, thanks for the pressure.... Teddy545: Yes, sugarcoating what I'm going through is probably one of the worst thing someone could do. I start to second guess if I'm overreacting or not, the. spend hours upon hours online like I am doing now just to make sure I'm not overreacting, and then start to look for more validation which ends up the complete opposite, so I become a lot worse. Then I tell myself that I just be overreacting and then force myself to feel fine and back on my feet. And I believe it for about a day but something always feels off. And then I realize how much I am lying to myself. I sit down, start to laugh all maniacally, and then get really emotional, then feel sad. Then I get angry because I feel like I'm forcing myself to feel a certain way because it is what everyone else wants. Then I get newfound energy due to my anger. This allows me to get some work done. Then after I burn out and rung dry with people giving me judgmental stares because I look like a wreck. And I have to make sure I am out when thousands of people are passing me with the same dirty looks just to feel great about myself. After that, all my energy is used up and I have a multitude of projects to get done. I still have no idea how this is my best semester academically.... Ahuddensmile: Hugs!
  14. Wow... I'm so surprised other people can relate. I thought It was just me being a brat but I have made myself a lot worse by trying to force myself into a different emotional state. I believe I have done it so much that I can't seem to undo it. I am the guy who always smiles and the happy go lucky guy. Even if I am miserable beyond belief I smile and make sure I am not making the other person uncomfortable. There are many days where I just want to scream, break things, and swear like a sailor. I don't have the luxury since I live in school apartment with roommates. I find that music does help most times and It eventually gives me a couple of days very energized. I just tend to overdo it and go back to square one. If I am in a good mood, I will most likely be positive and pretty laid back. I liked hearing all your guy's examples. It helps with knowing I'm not the only one facing this. But I am sorry you guys face this as well. Umm.. and ever since my first 3 semesters of the University I am attending, I feel like all my passion, ambitions, love, emotions, curiosity, interests, and being excited about the future have just went gone into a black hole never to be seen again. I am riding it out till the end, but it makes it hard when most students do not understand complicated issues such as depression and PTSD. In fact I don't think most people could understand having their life robbed as a child.
  15. Hey, it is understandable. Having mental illness is complicated and it can be really easy at lashing out on just about everyone. Especially the people closest. You are ok. Good on you for realizing your current situation and then taking action. That isn't always the easiest. Kudo's to you sir. I hope you are having a better day :)
  16. Your situation is a tough one. I am struggling with this as well to be honest. It is hard to know when to be understanding and patient with others and when to let people go. So much of one sided relationships and communication has made me feel detached from everything and it has caused me to lose trust and emotions for others. I don't want you to go through that. I can empathize with you. I just wish I had the ability to help you. I hope you are able to get through to some of your friends. Good luck Wrenn.
  17. ......at this exact time. Some days I just need periods to sulk and really feel how I am feeling. I don't want a friend trying to make it better. I don't want a distraction. I don't need empty platitudes or guilt trips. I just want to be my miserable self until I am well enough to get back up and go about my life. I usually don't have the luxury. I have shared some personal stuff to a fair amount of people during my life. It is really rare when a person just gets it and doesn't try and sugar coat the situation or tries to make me forget it. I have tried to forget. To put on a smile and act like everything is fine and alright. Not once did I truly believe it. I was fighting a current I couldn't win. Sooner or later I would revert to that amount of misery once again. It was only times where I let myself feel how I truly am, however negative it was, that allowed me to go through life a bit smoother. Somehow I seem stuck on trying to put that facade on and I am labeled as someone who is usually happy. I don't want that. Yeah, I might be mistaken for having positive qualities but I don't want that on me. I want people to know that I'm not ok to hear their constant yipping, their constant invites to places, the constant pep talks. I'm not just having a depressive episode and I wish people understood that. I need my space atm and people do not understand it. Right now I feel so detached emotionally from the world and I am trying my hardest to find an anchor to pull me back to. But right now I feel like "grieving" and I can't promise anything atm. I know I cant expect this from others but at the same time, it would be nice if others would take what you say and not try and fix or sugarcoat things. There is a time and place for that stuff, just not when I'm about to cry and hardly began explaining how I feel. I hate how well adjusted people make me feel sometimes.....
  18. Wow.... Please get out of my head. I don't know why but I have been seeing specifically 23 year olds going through similar things. I'm 23 as well. It is ironic reading your post today since you read mine yesterday and they pretty much mean the same things. Are you trying to push through, even though you feel like death most days? You seem to have a strong need to succeed. I can relate to that. I tend to push myself way to much. But then I compare myself to everyone and they do all seem like child prodigies. I know from where I go to school, it looks like most students are very privileged and shielded from traumatizing experiences. Does your school have at least a disability place on campus? I use it but I usually never use the services. And is there a faculty or someone on campus that would be good to talk to about your issues? I only took one lab class and can tell you from experience that they are some of the most time exhaustive things I have done. I also had a tough critical teacher who taught my intro chemistry class like a 300 level one. I can empathize with you on balancing workload with personal issues. It is never easy. I wish I could find others at my college going through similar things. It is nice to talk to someone my age in the same setting. About the friends part, you don't owe them an explanation. Or a full one anyways. I used to be so dead set on having a lot of friends to hang out with and got backlash for it so I have learned to enjoy my alone time and I don't have much energy to socialize all the time. I also get backlash for not being social so meh.... It looks like you are doing exceptionally well considering the circumstances. You definitely seem to be a better student than I'll ever be. I just try to do one day at a time and trying so hard to graduate. I'm in one club and only 4 classes and if that makes me someone who is lazy or not a go-getter, well I guess I could be thought of as worse. And PLEASE DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON FRIENDS WHO CANCEL OR LEAVE YOU HANGING AT THE LAST AVAILABLE SECOND.... Turns to the Hulk!!!
  19. I know I shouldn't, but I am here beating myself up once more. But this time I really feel I am in a hole. At my age a lot is expected of me. And since I am a PR student, I am expected to be very social and up to date on things. I am in a very fast paced setting and it is very hard to keep up. I tell myself I need to be doing this and that but never make the effort to do so. I am usually drained dry to even begin thinking of "selling and promoting" myself. Since my depression hasn't been as severe in the last year, I had more time to think about other things. Real things. Prior to then, my main goal was just to survive day to day. It was hell. But now I find myself extremely behind in a lot of areas. It is strange because I am very mature for my age but I don't feel like a regular 23 year old. I feel A LOT younger. I am one of the oldest students at my college and still feel a lot more inadequate than my peers. It is not that I can't perform well. I just don't have that unf and passion. To be honest, I am in the process of rebuilding the things I have lost. But it feels too late. Way too late. I know it is true. I don't have neither license or job and have more free time than most people. Most would consider me lucky. People want me to socialize, join organizations, get involved, and do things a 23 year old usually would. I should be doing x,y,z but I have also come a super long way. I finally got to the point where I don't get frequent suicidal thoughts. It is extremely rare now. I was able to conquer some of my anxiety and be more of myself recently, even though I am still scared out of my mind. I also have been spending my free time with others. I'm not a complete recluse. I feel though my friends and people around me wouldn't understand that clearly. On the outside I look like I'm fully functioning. I am starting to think my therapist is getting tired of me not progressing fast enough. So when I have all of these requests and obligations and can't do them all, should I do them anyways? Am I being lazy, weak, or stubborn? Taking care of my mental health takes so much out of me. I feel like that is a job of its own. As much as I need to meet these obligations, I have a gut feeling a condition needs met. I can't do things half-assed and can't do something if I don't feel my heart is in it. I cannot relate to 99% of people and situations due to my upbringing so connecting to things are very hard. How does one be ok with not meeting expectations?
  20. I'm really happy for you Flasquish! I'm glad you were able to find a combination of medication that works for you. I hope you have many more anniversaries of wellness :)
  21. Thank you for sharing. That is not an easy thing to admit and I commend you for trying to find help and look for solutions. Sometimes I wish I could just take something to numb all the pain but then I know I have an addictive personality and I am scared of doing drugs so I was fortunate that I never got into them. But I can understand why someone would. I can relate to that realization moment where everything pours in leaving you extremely overwhelmed that you just want to run the other way. you get so scared of what you have just realized and it makes exhausted just thinking about it. To tired to go on. I'm in the midst of all of the realization stuff, and like you, I am waiting for that spark to ignite again. It kind of did a couple times very recently, but it was just a flicker for an extremely short period of time, but it was there. Was there a hobby/activity that you once enjoyed? Was there a life that was decent before you were having trouble with everything? I'm glad you rewarded yourself and felt better after your exercise. :) I loved your paragraph about being open and honest with ourselves before we can maintain relationships. I find that to be very true. You are a wise man. I hope you find your spark soon!
  22. All of these were said to me sometime over the years, directly and indirectly. It has gotten so bad now that even if something isn't directed at me, I will take it as a personal attack on my character. Teddy: The worst part is a lot of these people were well-meaning. And if I were to say something about it, It would usually end up in an argument. Most of these were said during my college years (Still in college) I feel like I'm in the most judgmental, setting on earth.... How do I detach from all these unwanted statements? Phantastic Mirage: I love your Avatar btw! She's my favorite Sailor Guardian So far!
  23. Wow.... I can't believe someone was brave enough to share this. Kudos to you for sharing such an unpopular opinion. I feel very similar in that respect and it makes human interaction extremely difficult. I am truly sorry you are placed in this position. I want to respond to the comments about letting other live their lives with their own values. This is true. Everyone has a right to their own worldview and character. I think what happens though is since so many of the masses share very similar beliefs values and ideas, they think everyone else should follow suit. I personally have a huge issue when I do let people live the way they do only to have them force me to live like them. It happens all the time. There is a difference between people who have different beliefs but let others live their lives and then there are others who damn people if they aren't like them, and I feel that is becoming way too common these days. It is hard being in a minority where no one is at your side. It is hard to look at things in an entirely different way, only to be judged for the way you view things. And to add salt to the wound, told your thought process is corrupt or flawed because it is different. I wish I held the courage to own that part of me. Something about it scares me to death and I know MOST people would give me hell for it. It takes an extremely strong person to hold such a view that is so unpopular. Have you ever watched the movie The Divergent? I felt like a Divergent and could relate to the movie. You don't fit into any one category and don't fit into the mold of societal rules. Not because you are rebellious, but because it just doesn't make sense to you. In this world people like to label everything and I can see why that is, but sometimes it is counter-intuitive. An example with Unisex people not fitting into the male/female gender categories in just about everything. I hope you can find peace with this. Icarus
  24. or You should do this like A.B, and C STOP! I'm not like Joe over here. Stop saying I should be like him. I don't socialize like Mariah every week. Stop trying to make me feel bad, that I'm not as social. No, I am not being difficult. just because Billy Bob got past his hard points in life doesn't mean I should automatically get over everything. This person is healthy, you should be like him. You should join club K, N, and O. You should stop being upset. You should stop complaining all the time. look at Sue. She has less than you and she is putting it together. Look how much stronger she is to you. You should break out of your comfort Zone for the umpteenth time. Your not even trying. You should vent about every problem. 5 mins later different person. You shouldn't bottle everything up. Don't I have the right to feel how I feel without it being a character flaw or life lesson I need to learn? I have finally gotten to a point where I am happy by myself all to myself and don't need to rely on friends to have a good time. Isn't that enough for now? Now Stupid Mood Gym is telling me I have to be like happy go lucky.... It makes me just want to **** myself.
  25. Fizzle: I just got your comment. You have been a very supportive person on this board. I can't thank you enough. We seem to relate a lot and it is nice to know I'm not alone but not at the same time. I mostly just had fun by myself this weekend without worrying about school work and things like that. I just took it easy. I'm finishing up things now, but I need to not feel guilty for those longer downtimes. I always get things done one time, even without help. I also started back up on medication. I guess it is just hard when friends, family, or strangers will only see me on the outside and hassle me to perform at their level and to tell me advice and cutting me off without letting me explain myself. At least my mom recently is extremely supportive and surprisingly understanding. I'm very fortunate with that. May I ask you how you are doing with your PTSD? And what helps and doesn't help? I never really had a chance to talk to someone with the condition. Only if you want to share.
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