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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. Don't feel bad Epictetus! You have been a huge, HUGE, help when I first found this site. You helped me feel comfortable and helped take a lot of pain and pressure away! I will always remember your posts. Sorry about the tendonitis. That is a bummer. You don't have to write much or wipe my worries away. Knowing you read this and care helps. I try to be a good person. I just barely have an juice in me for productive things. I have a lot of amped up frustrated energy that worries me. My mind is in a fog too. Everything is overwhelming, you know? I'm sitting here trying to play a game that would have me addicted as nails but I'm just sitting here just in complete boredom and utter dread. Maybe I need to find some intense physical activity. I used to be an athlete. Oh, those were the days where life was a smidge more simple. I may need to dig deeper. I have a secret to tell you.... I think you are an amazing person!
  2. Things just haven't felt right in a while. I have had depression as long as I can remember, but it has never been like this. I feel I have changed a lot recently. Both mentally and physically. My body is sending me thousands of signals that it is not ok. My body is stressed beyond belief. Sometimes I don't feel it but my body will let me know anyways. My Tics have started acting up again in full force. Most days I don't seem to have full control over my body because they are so bad. I have to touch everything perfectly and have annoying eye motor tics. I concluded this is because my levels in stress have been rising recently. All my passions, ambitions, hobbies, excitement just seems to be non existent. I still get excited but I don't emote like I used to. Everything just feels meh. I always craved being in social situations. I always wanted a boyfriend and I always wanted to move to the city to indulge in the arts that were not available in my rural area. Now, I could barely care. Sure it is still something I know I like, but I don't feel anything for it. My other favorite pastime used to be going to the movie theatres and just watching movies and TV. Now, it is a huge accomplishment to finish a 24 minute anime. I can't sit still and my tics take over. Video games... haha. Sure they calm me right down but even going to do it takes bounds of energy and effort. How sad right? And when I am enjoying something, I feel guilty for it. What kind of sorcery is this. Over the couple of years I lost interest in so many things. I had a horrible time with others. People let me down over and over again. I gave up on the things I really wanted because god-forbid I wanted good friends or a relationship or a trip to the city. I gave up expressing myself because I would be met with "that is stupid" or be totally shut down. No one cared about what I liked. It was always about them. I was always blamed for people's issues and was always met with resistance when I finally reached out to people. After a while I stopped trying and eventually stopped caring. I found out that the idea of fitting into the LGBT community just was not going to happen. It was very toxic to me. I was an ogre to gay men. They all still look at me like I'm the lowliest scum there is. Every glance is met with I'm superior so don't talk to me. I am African American but don't fit into that culture either since I was raised by only white parents and just because I'm black does not mean I automatically relate to a culture. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and have no real community. Every year that passes, I feel I have less and less to look forward too. I look around and everywhere I look, it seems like more things are taken over by money and pure greed. I feel like everything is designed for quick fixes and superficial levels of communication. (I'm a Public Relations student saying this). I find my hobbies being taken over by greedy corporations one by one and just see the quality in things dying just to create quantity. I also find I am less like others and less able to connect. I used to love being with people and now I can't stand the thought of even being bothered by someone. My initial reaction to every encounter is I'm making a fool out of myself and others are looking at me negatively. I can't believe I let my sister get to me. Growing up, she would point out all my flaws in interacting with others. I always presented myself wrong and talked wrong or dressed wrong or smiled wrong or... you get the picture. So there goes interactions. And I don't find listening to others only talk about themselves fun anymore. So I just sit in my mind. I don't really DO much of anything. I'm p anxiety meds but they just make me worse. I probably need to exercise a lot more but that seems like such a daunting task since I am even having trouble with the little stuff. It seems after my classes are over, my energy bank is depleted. So much that leisure time activity is out of the question as well. What life is that. I should eat less snacks too. I would love to moderate my eating but find myself stress eating and eating in a trance like state. I was even eating carrots thinking I would at least limit myself since they weren't so sugary. Nope, the whole bag was mostly eating in mere minutes. Every crunch was met with a frustration of stress. The more I ate the more intensely I ate and the harder it was to stop. I drink lots of water and get plenty of sleep but it is so hard to ease this high level of stress. I even had panic attack like symptoms without having a panic attack. My pulse always seems to be on edge. I think I am so angry about things that have happened recently and haven't had an outlet that worked. It is not that I can't find outlets, it is just getting out of my head to do them and the harder I try the more stressed I get. My tics make it even harder to do basic tasks and school on top of it and new realizations and responsibilities just add. Not to mention I am so hard on myself. Way, way, way harder than before. I feel like I'm a zombie going through the motions all apathetic to almost everything. Music is the only thing that never fails but how pathetic that the only thing that gives me joy is listening to a song.
  3. I hear you on a lot of this and can relate to what you have said. I know depression makes you feel bleak and really takes away a lot of pleasures or drives you once had. It is hard to get up and get going and do what needs to be done when you have depression. Sometimes you don't even have to be tired. Some days you look around and go what is the point or purpose and then sit around. The person who mentioned inertia is spot on. It is a B****! You get sucked in and the more your sucked in the harder it is to go the other direction. I believe you are working hard though. I find it very hard when you lost drives and ambitions in life. It does look to me that you are trying to take steps into improving your situation. Good on you! I also have been cutting back on soda and drinking a lot more water. I feel it helps some because soda makes me feel like a lazy sack of coach potatoes. I hope someday you find that purpose or drive and can get out of the pits. YOU deserve to! Don't beat yourself up to much. If there was an easy answer to this then there would be less amounts of people with the same issue. I wish you well! Side note: It is honorable that you are willing to do so much to take care of your gram. Possibly that is where a lot of your energy is going towards making it harder for you to care for your self. Icarus
  4. You guys are fine. Yesterday was the worst day in a very long time for me and today I'm just losing it. I'm at rock bottom and trying to share what is going on but people are trying to be supportive and helpful but I don't want that. to a regular person that would help but for me it creates so much anger for me. I feel like people are just so ready to fix the situation and I NEED to feel it process it and talk about it. I don't want suggestions right now, even if they are incredibly helpful. I just want someone to understand that I'm feeling really bad. I don't want someone to try and say "we all feel this way or that is how life will be" I don't want anything words. I just want a freaking hug. I'm angry, mad, sad, I'm at the breaking point. I just want someone to accept that I am feeling the way I am and not try and challenge me at the moment. Why is it so hard for everyone. I just need an ear. I give up and feel suicidal. First time in a while. I have an internal rage for happy people because they are the ones who usually try to force the depression out of me unwillingly. Someone suggest going to see another doctor and all I see if the trauma of the ones that ruined me. Someone says make a new friend or hand out with friends and all I see are negative experiences. I try explaining but no one will listen. people just keep telling me what to do and make suggestions. I'm so close to ending it. My life. Everything I worked so hard for.
  5. Wow... how bold of you to say. I would never have the guts to admit something like that but wish I did. I feel the same way and until now I thought I was the only one. I too had a lot of things to strive for and like you I am almost finished with my undergrad and I have started finding other passions in life. The less I worry about all the things I need to do, the more proactive I am. That last sentence is what I think about everyday. For what it's worth, I don't think it is a copout. Like Unwanted and Teddy said, do what you need to do to live with yourself. It is hard when everyone is getting engaged, having babies, landing careers and internships, and all of that and you feel like you are missing out but don't want those things at the same time currently.
  6. Hey Big Mike thanks for responding. I never know what to do with friends who seem well meaning but do not understand my depression. I usually try to give these people a chance but in my experience these kinds of people tended to be some of the worst people to be around. If I wasn't happy, I either needed to be fixed or left alone and when I couldn't be happy in time then they became hostile or judged me. I had a history of people's well intended advice sending me to the hospital. In fact anytime I felt suicidal was die to someone's "well meaning advice" After hearing it will get better and all you have to do is smile for the thousandth time without actually knowing about what was going on, it because fake, annoying, insincere, dismissive, and ignorant. And anytime I did forgive them or give them the benefit of the doubt, I seemed to get stabbed in the back somehow with manipulation. People just need to know when not to say anything when they don't know about a situation. In this world, showing emotion is a sign of your not trying hard enough to overcome whatever it is. Below you asked me if I had any treatments? I had more than I can count. I'm in 3 different treatments right now. I stated it in my post. If I don't hold that facade of being strong, I'm blamed for not trying hard enough. The minute anyone shows any signs of weakness, they are constantly being told they haven't done this or that and it is their fault. Well up until now I usually did handle things calmly. I do deep breathing if I get tense. Unfortunately I do have Tourettes which fuel my anxiety and stress even more. I bottle emotions because letting them out just makes everyone attack me. Like what happened today. I thought maybe trying an alternate approach would be helpful since I have tried the clam reasonable objective tactics. Apparently I have to be done with it because when I even show a sliver of it, it is my acting out or having anger issues. People use that against me. If I have a legitimate complaint, nope he is just crazy and needs professional help (which I have tons of after my most recent once screwed me over) Any complaint I make turns into a "You need to get help" I have had professional help for over 15 years and counting. What I mean about advice and statements being useful in a certain state of depression, I mean there is a place and time for most advice. Some people are so quick to throw in advice without listening first. And for me, I do not like hearing any sort of advice when I am in the heat of venting or upset. When I am more calm and the situation has passed a bit, then slowly giving suggestions would then be more helpful. Yes I know, I am just so close-minded to advice and do it to make excuses for myself. I have internalized everything negative people have said about me into a truth that I cannot escape. I am literally forced to take their advice and suggestion. if I don't I am manipulated until they can warp my brain to their will. Now I spend 95% of my time second guessing every move I make and I am on the alert for any incoming attack. Again, I done the faking it. acting like everything is ok and I am calm and in peace and I'm not. I have a lot of hidden baggage. Any method that includes me trying to suppress or forget such a thing happened is off limits to me. The more I stall on these feelings, the worse they become.
  7. Fides: Hugs are the absolute best. They show comfort without assuming or judging. You can kind of feel the person's kind energy. I like the fact that it isn't a verbal act, but more of an action. Kind of goes with actions speak louder than words. Cbutterflies: Will you climb a mountain with me and scream a wonderful tune? I blame myself all the time with this illness. I had it for as long as I can remember. How do you let your tears out? I have trouble sometimes. Arthur P.: Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you could get something out of that phrase. I'm glad it resonated with someone. Mellabella: I feel like mindfulness is key for getting yourself out of an obsessive thought or rough cycle. It is really tough sometimes. I don't know if this is mindfulness but if I feel really stressed I take very very deep breathes until I feel a little bit calmer. It feels good at least. I'm having a really rough time letting go of some of the memories. I'm glad it works for you. I have been hearing a lot about it helping others. It gives me a bit of hope.
  8. Wow... I never expected these comments at all. I thought I was being too harsh. Elicia: You are very kind. Thank you! I hope I feel better soon too so I can be there not only for myself but for others who matter like my mother. Mellabella: I actually did that and it was one of the most liberating things ever. Somehow being upset and not trying to be happy made me happier in the long run. Somehow I always resort to my fake smiling. You are right. It is so exhausting trying to pretend. Afflicted: You are spot on. That was the message I got and it confuses me even to this day. It is not fun being in your head all the time. I call it my personal hell. It is when I try not to think too much, I miss something important that screws me over in the end. I can relate to what you wrote unfortunately. I'm sorry. I guess I was wrong in that I am completely alone in this. I met some really good people on here.
  9. This is why I'm afraid of ever involving myself with others again. These "helpful" people with their "helpful" comments were the most damaging people in my life. What she said to was extremely horrible and I cannot believe you had to take all of that. Please come on here more often and hopefully we can provide you with the support you need. Your depression is real and it isn't all of you. Some people cannot stomach such a reality. I hope there is someone in your life you feel comfortable with. You can message me whenever you like. Your post resonated with me. Take care
  10. Elicia: I would hug back. I think that is what I truly need these days. That and a good long cry. Getting over this hump is one of the hardest things I had to do and I appreciate your response. I will feel better in time, just not at the moment. I need to be ok with that. And I'm fighting it.
  11. That I really don't want to live if I feel I have to fake everyday to get by. Whoever created the mantra "faking it till you make it" is my least favorite person on earth. I am known for my smile. I a kind and nice and I don't always say what I need to say. I lack the confidence. Repeatedly throughout the years when I did show signs of a backbone or trying to set a boundary, it just created conflict. Sometimes I kept trying but got no where. I don't want to act anymore. I am sick and tired of being so different that everyone assumes they know me and it is annoying. You don't so stop pretending. I am sick of you and everything you stand for. If others want to help, stop looking at me funny, or showing how much you don't know me. No I don't want suggestions on what activities to try. I can't do it. My body is fighting me. If it isn't my obsessive thoughts, it is my Tourettes. and if it isn't that is is my intense fear of getting in hostile arguments just for setting a boundary or simply trying to explain myself, or correcting people's misinterpretations of me. Again, you don't know me and I wish you would stop trying to act like you do. I smile and I'm cordial to please everyone else but myself. I am supposed to look like this super successful college student but I'm not. Please don't ask m about my future. You will either stare blankly or give the advice column no one asked for. Yes, I heard all of it before. Yes, it is great advice. Where I'm at it is not useful until I reached a better stage in my depression. no I'm not trying to argue. I'm just trying to explain myself. Thanks for saying I'm a horrible person. I will remember that next time when I try and be open and honest and myself. A good friend sent me a text saying they understand I am not feeling well but my situation is only temporary and that I should smile to fix it. Now I'm obsessing over how to respond. If I say what I need to which would sound harsh to the person but in reality it wouldn't, I would just be ungrateful. Every step I make is a chess move to avoid conflict. I want to live and have others see me as me. At the same time, if living involves constant arguments and fights, I will happily throw it away. I don't care if I would be a coward. It doesn't help when NO ONE believes how severe my situation is anyways. I can say I am in cardiac arrest and get "put a bandage on it" and if I say that won't work, out come the nails and the "Ollie, you don't know what you are saying. if you are happy everything will get all better" And the only way to mix with society is to a happy person. It doesn't have time nor patience for anyone else. Even if someone is going through trauma. No one has time or patience to understand. Everyone is just eager to lay down suggestions. So tell me I'm a delusional nutcase and you know me best, and if I am myself, just manipulate me until I will become just like you. I get it. You tell me everyone is different and normal doesn't exist until I am happily content with myself and someone just has to point out something and bother me. I wish I could cry out in public. I really do. I go to a really tall mountain and scream on the top of my lungs. I want to beat a pillow so hard my hands bleed. I want to vent to a friend whether they are in the mood for it or not. I need to let all my frustrations out. I don't want to pretend I'm this strong being. I want to throw the hugest tantrum just so I can actually feel what I feel and know that it is real. I need release. I need to know I am dealing with something so real and I need to be gone with it. My mouth hurts from all the smiling I had to carry all my life. I am tired of wearing such a big fat grin. I'm not an actor and I don't want to pretend anymore. I'm at a tough spot. I just want people to realize that. When I say I am at a tough spot, I am laying a boundary, not an invite to spout your mouth about what you may think you know about me. It is an invitation to leave me the hell alone so I don't ruin your precious life. Because you will ask me to join you in your fun but damn me for trying. Nope. I'm not playing this game. Condescending, no good for anything, arrogant, know it alls should just leave me alone. I don't want your two cents. I know I need to do things differently. At the same time would it **** you to accept me right now. Of course it would.... And yes I am receiving TONS of professional help so don't ask me about that. And again I have a psychiatrist who doesn't listen because NO ONE LISTENS. I can't get a word in anywhere because hell with what I need to say or do. I should no my place and be a good little puppet. I just want others to know where I'm coming from. nothing more. Nothing less. I'm just so sorry I can't heal after 16 years. Not like I struggle with the fact I haven't been functional for so long every single day. and trying would be going through hurdles of ridicule and arguments and fights that I don't want.
  12. Teddy: "Communication is the most important thing in any relationship" I couldn't agree more with this!
  13. Lately I have been pushing others away. It makes me feel bad and I don't like doing it. I don't want to burden the people I care about. I'm not in a position to be around a lot of people atm. But I had a history of others pushing me away or just forgetting I existed. I believe it happened so much I lost a connection with others and now can't force myself to connect so I have to push them away because I cannot give people what they need and vice versa. Also it is a lot easier to distance myself from others than experience first hand the rejection and leaving me because they can't handle me. It sounds pathetic. It is quite the situation. All I know is when I push others away it isn't personal. If I am pushing someone away, it means I actually care for them which would seem to be the opposite.
  14. Is your dog doing any better at all? What breed is he/she?
  15. sending good wishes your way! I hope he/she recovers. I hope the vet will be able to help.
  16. I am going to have to check out some of your guy's music list when I get the chance! Milky Marvin- I listened to Bjork All is Full of Love. You have good taste. It is a bit creepy and different but makes it sound really good. There is a lot of emotion in the song. I love Icelandic music btw :) Ahiddensmile: I believe we have extremely similar music taste! holy cow. I would have listed the exact same genres as you! iP44: rock on! Soul Survival: Oddly enough, discovered the Beatles about 7 years ago. I always heard of them but never gave them a listen until Across the Universe came out, and instantly feel in love :) I still am not as knowledgeable about hem but love some of their songs! Bolt-On: I feel like the more chill songs are the most safest to listen to. I agree with other songs sparking other bad moods. I used to listen to a lot of somber music but I now mostly listen to chill or upbeat music that isn't too sappy or obnoxious. I do listen to orchestra music though. Like the epic ones you hear in trailers and awesome movie/TV soundtracks. I will occasionally listen to somber music once in a while though. I like raw emotional songs. Epictetus: I 100% agree with that. It has an effect like no other. A song can makes me feel so many emotions and change my emotions instantly depending on the song I am listening too. Even if I am really down, listening to a good upbeat indie or K-Pop song will get me going. Putsbridonit: no problem! classical music is really good! I don't know if stuff like Two Steps from Hell or Audiomachine are classical, but it really gets me going!
  17. Chrom- I believe that series introduced a lot of people to really good music! I can't even count how many songs and bands I discovered on there :)
  18. Chrom, it used to help me focus with homework but now I have to turn off music while doing it because I pay more attention to the music. It does though help me a lot when drawing and doing other activities. It makes such a difference. I remember when Dragonforce was such a hit back when Guitar hero was still very popular. Journey is a good group :)
  19. Damnlag, that is so cool! The 80's era was one of my favorite era's of music. I really like jazz. it has a kind of mood that just gets my blood pumping in a good way. Did you sing as well? I always wanted to learn how to play the cello and piano. I think it is something I could really enjoy. I don't have much of a music background other than being in chorus a lot and cannot read music very well but if I were to pick up another hobby down the road, I would really love to learn. your last sentence is so true. I know I'm passionate about something when I know my fears won't stop me from doing it. I have a lot of respect for people who can compose their own music. Something I don't see too much anymore on mainstream modern music.
  20. Kabuto, yeah I feel music has this spell like effect. I like darker songs as well which is weird because it would seem to make me even more depressed but a lot of the times they get me more motivated and get me thinking about what needs to get done. I wonder if that is uncommon or not.
  21. Licorice, I am going to have to check them out. I love indie and electronic pop! It really gets me going :) CButterflies, gee that really stinks. It must be hard when you are at a restaurant and a triggering song comes on. Ip44, I'm glad music helps you! I hear Skillet is really good with helping with bad days. I could be wrong. breakfastclub5, oh my! I would HATE to lose the ability to feel music or it doesn't affect you anymore. ducky: I would hate that. Going to places with music would be a challenge then. I feel that way but with other things not music related. Milky Marvin, that is quite a list. I will have to check some of those songs out! Ahiddensmile: Pretty much any music in the late 90's or early 2000's makes m think of intense memories good and bad. What do you listen to normally?
  22. Wow, a lot of interesting responses. I'm sorry teddy that music is not as comforting as before. As a lot of people said on here. I feel like we all have connections to certain kinds of music. Some of those connections are good and bad. I have actually just been trying to branch out into completely new music with no connection to the past. That way I don't have as much triggering things going on. And sometimes I purposely listen to music that strings to the past just so I can cry because I know I need to let certain feelings out and it is the only way I can do that. Ironically, my favorite song "Vogel Im kafig" can bring out the most intense emotions out of me and I can only listen to it sparingly. The best combination is when I'm drawing and have a nice chill song playing. very therapeutic. For those who say music does not help them, what other methods or hobbies do you use to help with your depression?
  23. Elicia: I have a fear of driving as well. Possibly for other reasons though. I have Tourettes and I space out a lot. Don't even have my permit yet. I have studied but need to go take it. I'm curious to hear your reason. You don't have to share. I'm just interested.
  24. Good idea Fizzle! I like this poll a lot. Now we will know where the board is at in terms of contributions to their depression.
  25. I thought I'd do something different and a bit lighter. For me personally, listening to music helps sooth me when I am in certain levels of depression. Something about it has a healing factor that is amazing to me. Since I am also highly sensitive, it works almost like a drug to me. I was wondering what songs help you feel better after a really rough day? Me personally, I have been getting into K-Pop which has a range of genres which really help me and I love indie music. If I am really down I will go for some epic orchestral by Two Steps From Hell/ Audiomachine or other instrumentals or something very mellow such as sad anime tracks or Angels and devils by Dishwalla. Sia's Breathe me also comes to mind. the type of music I listen to usually depends on the level of my depression. If it is not as severe it is usually light and upbeat and vice versa :)
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