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Everything posted by Icarus21

  1. I made a similar post like this a few months ago but I found out it may have had a bigger significance than I realized. I always write these long boring monologues. Sorry ^_^" I was always more of an outsider but I did used to have connections with people and I did genuinely enjoy their time and I was very interested in others. Fast-forward to the beginning of this year, that feeling really changed for me. People were a lot of work and felt drained most of the time. I had just recently deleted my Facebook then and wanted to pursue people more face-to-face. Sadly, it wasn't better. A lot of those friendships I made and relationships I had with my family were very one sided. I always asked myself why I seemed to put at least 95% of the effort in these relationships. I noticed that people were highly involved in their lives. I didn't mind it at first. I liked hearing people's stories. I then realized that the other people know next to nothing about me and I started questioning why I still was involved with them. My mom and sister is the biggest offender to this. Every conversation with my sis is about her and I literally have to pay her money to even share anything about my life because she will not hear it otherwise. I stopped doing that because I just felt more hurt. Then at college in the beginning of the year I was very alone. I used a lot of my energy being there for others and when I hit a plateau, I felt no one was there to listen. I didn't think it was fair. I was met with a "I can't talk to you right now." It hurt. He said he felt bad but ignored my calls. Then the moment where I think something just SNAPPED in me, making me shut down till this day was: I was in the GSA room in my school and I was talking to my "friend" he is a very eccentric guy. I thought he was very nice and friendly. But I noticed he would always talk about himself. I told him that I would like his attention when I am saying something serious. He was like ok! So whenever I talked he would be texting on his phone. And then the worst thing he could have done. He spent a WHOLE WEEK talking about this girl he liked and how smooth he was and all of that and I listened to ALL of it. I then was about to add in about how I have been single for ages now and before I could say how I got past feeling sad about it he cut me off saying that I shouldn't worry about relationships and should just focus on school. If there was a time I wanted to punch someone it would be then and there. I just bit my tongue and held it in. So fast-forward to summer and I am just devoid of energy and emotion and nothing is fun anymore. My whole summer was complete isolation. Except for a couple of events. I got so angry with my mom because she would cut me off or refuse to listen to what I had to share but I would have to listen to her stories all the time. I grew up like this. No one in my family except my one sister now cared about what I liked or what made me happy and passionate. I loved nerdy stuff. anime, sci-fi, drawing. Stuff like that. my family is all women and growing up, I never had a chance to share much or have a buddy to play with all the time. My mom once forced me to stop watching any sci-fi all together. I was about 15 (It was Ben 10 a harmless kids TV show). I would die for the chance to talk about my interests with someone. or deep thoughts, self realizations, hobbies, video game events. If I know someone isn't interested in what I like I keep it EXTREMELY brief. I wonder why people can't do the same. So recently I just sat and watched my mom talk and talk and talk about stuff I really don't have much interest in but do because I know she enjoys it and trying to bond but I try and respond or talk about something else she will interrupt or cut me off before I can say a syllable. I realized this created an intense anger inside of me like no other. It happened anytime a friend kept talking for a long period of time. I wanted to strangle one so bad so I actually had to leave and go to the bathroom so I wouldn't hurt her. I then connected it to why I shut down and became so numb, shut down, recluse, disassociated, and guarded. Now I finally do feel the want to return to the "real world" but these patterns have to stop. I need an incentive. I don't know why a lot of people feel the need to hog 99% of the conversation or be 100% silent. I am beyond nervous to venture out with self absorbed, narcissistic, leeches. I can't really blame myself. I learned not to vent AS much since I could potentially be doing the same with others so I usually withdrawal when I am down. I still have a lot of resentment and I need to work on so much still. I feel like this is the only space I can share much of ANYTHING these days so I apologize if it seems like I am hogging these forums. Please tell me if my posts become too much. Thank you!
  2. cbutterflies: I will be honest in saying I don't know your situation as I don't think I have followed along but I am happy that you were able to feel like you can breathe. I think many can relate. Friendships are a tough area so for their to be at least a little hope is a nice change of pace. Glad you can have that! ~Icarus
  3. Sutra: Funny you mentioned art. I am a drawer. Definitely not as much as I used too but I like to draw people or attempt to. Should stick to something basic and easier. Any who, I was just drawing shortly after I typed that. Sometimes it helps. Deep down I feel like drawing is the key to solving a lot of almost everything. It requires a lot of discipline and patience and requires you two keep at something no matter what even if you feel like you are failing. You are still making progress. Life is a lot like this and recently made a connection between life and drawing. Ironically music is what I use to release all of the blame and shame. Drawing helps on occasions when I'm not frustrated when my person looks like a deranged alien. xD
  4. Yay! That is great! I hope you two are able to work things out soon :)
  5. Goldeneye: I love New Years for that very reason. Nothing magically changes when it becomes a new year but I like to look back and see my progress and look at the good and bad of that year. I look at what I want to do differently and makes me plan for the new year. It is a perfect time to self reflect. I feel like New Year's gives me a clean slate and a way to bury all the previous stuff behind and focus on the new year. It is like when a snake sheds its old skin. I wish I could start over on so many things but it doesn't work like that. But it is nice being able to cleanse for a new year.
  6. It usually does help a bit looking at others more unfortunate and seeing them pull through life. Susie is a made up character I used. When people compare me to Susie, they only compare me with her positive attributes. I think eating better and exercising can go a long way but aren't the cure all others make it out to be. Even for healthy people it is hard to keep up. I like your sprain ankle analogy and that was where I was trying to get at with this whole post. Except I can't convey ANYTHING coherently I wouldn't mind being labeled with depression if it was taken as an actual illness. Instead it is viewed as a character flaw. Not everyone thinks this way. Thank goodness but a lot do. I could just have had a bad history with doctors and professionals and I don't want to have something where others can have that type of power over me.
  7. I guess I don't really care what people call it. I know I have issues and things I am working on. And I could get off the computer and exercise or throw away all the junk food in the cabinet right now. I am partly to blame for everything that happens in my life. That was very hard to come into terms with. At the same time I had a lot of psychiatrist abuse that authority over me as well as other professionals because I had depression. I hate when other people would use that illness as a weapon towards me. Yeah Susie is healthier than I am. She works out, she eats right, socializes, and has a high standing in her office job. I am very happy for Susie. She must have worked hard. But please never compare me to Susie. Since I am not Susie, I must be compared to her because why not make me feel worse about myself. All of that comparison only makes me have resentment for Susie even though she did nothing wrong to me. I like how you said depression can be seen as a normal part of life. I liked how you used "normal" and not unusual or flawed or weird. Words I am so used to hearing. Razz, I don't hate all psychiatrist or really any. I just have a serious mistrust with most of them since some were some of the most horrible people I met. Still trying to get justice on one case but SOMEHOW this CMSU organization is so corrupt that my situation keeps getting buried and other staff and professionals were shocked on what happened and called in and still it is all hush hush.
  8. Wow... this is basically what I just wrote just now and then saw your post. Except you worded it a lot better than me and were more bold about it. Kudo's to you. I agree with what you are saying. Some days I do think I am hit with ACTUAL real depression though. I can tell a difference. From everything I experienced, I feel like I am forced to forget about it and pretend like none of it happened. I guess speaking for myself here, I grew up where the world wasn't so kind to me. Was abused at and extremely young age, then got adopted and still suffered many bad events that are even more traumatic than the abuse. If I were to look purely from my worldview, it wouldn't make sense to trust anyone. I was always hurt in some way by them. Now, I know this isn't the world truth. Just looking at my perspective, when people try to get me to see the good in others, I can't as much. I can see the good deeds people do but I can't see people as actual good beings. All I see in humans are a way to control, belittle, hurt, argue, yell, manipulate, lie, and betray me. I know that isn't the truth about people. I hope not anyways but from my experiences with others it usually seemed to fall in those categories. I know "normal" people are able to separate what others tell them and do to them and still stick to their own ideals and not let those things get them down. There are probably many reason's I can't. I COULD plan now and design my whole life around getting myself in a better place and doing more to form better habits. But I want to do it for myself and not because it is what is expected of me. When I talk to my one sister, I find how encouraging and supportive she is. She makes me believe in myself. Same with my one behavior specialist. He never used my depression as a way to chain me up and send me nothing but doom and gloom. I look at my sister and think of what my life could have been if I was raised with a little bit more positivity and encouragement. I was always met with doom and gloom and very hurtful responses from my mother. Never believed in me much. She was never as involved with me as I would like. Everything I did and liked was stupid. Never learned to form bonds as I grew up. Still never learned the skills to connect with others. I remember trying and being truly interested in people and my mom would just say how bad they are and how I shouldn't talk with them. I now hold the blame to change all of that conditioning. While I can't change the past, I want to understand it as much as possible. Make connections to why I am the way I am now. Many will tell me to move forward, but I can't move forward blind. I hold a lot of resentment till this day from being shut down and constantly ignored, interrupted, talked down to, etc. I need to deal with that first and foremost. Yeah I may have depression but when ANYONE describes it they always compare me to healthy people. She doesn't have depression so she is normal and doing it right. She is coping right. She is normal. Society loves her. You are depressed, it is all your fault, you need, you should, you have to is all I hear when being labeled with this. A lot of the times I think I am unfairly blamed and I'm usually the one who has to be the bigger person or say sorry or give up on an argument to let the person "win" or really listen to what they have to say and try and use it to the best of my ability. I do not see others around me doing that at all. Somewhere the blame towards me has to stop and I have to redirect it somewhere.
  9. Every day I constantly search for what symptoms I have and what potential diagnosis I may fall in. A lot of the time I try and find out what is "wrong" with me and I may spend up to 5 hours just trying to find answers online. I was diagnosed with depression before I could write basic sentences. I was diagnosed with other things as well. I always grew up being labeled as something. When I am labeled as depressed or anything that deals with mental illness it seems like that gives others to read "character flaw" on my forehead. I have had people use that fact that I was depressed against me so I wouldn't question them. My current therapist asks me why I out with so much crap from others. At the time I had no answer but now I believe I know now. How could someone with a character flaw challenge someone who is labeled "healthy" and "normal." I grew up with constant patronizing, condescending attitudes because I needed to be taken care of. My mother didn't have much faith in my abilities. I just had depression and she was so focused on "fixing" it. Since I have all these diagnosis, I can absolutely have no idea what I'm talking about. That's how I feel. I hate that doctors, psychiatrists, TSI workers, and sometimes therapist will talk down to me. I'm not going to sit here and lie. I do have A LOT of things to work on with myself and I am getting there very slowly. I don't have the best habits. I feel so unmotivated, lifeless, detached, tired, angry, but can this depression among other things be a reaction from the troubling past and recent events I went through? I went through some very horrible stuff and feel blamed because I can't fully cope like I should.
  10. LaurynJcat: Thank you for the response! That is a nice way of looking at it. I do interact with others but not as much as I used to, I feel bad but I do reach out sometimes when I have something to say. I guess I look at other people and they all enjoy surrounding themselves around a lot of people. It is effortless to them. It is more of a chore for me. I also like it less since I have encountered people who just have to dominate a conversation. Got to be too much. It is weird being in college. Everyone is struggling on class work and socializing is easiest for them while I struggle with the socializing and get decent grades on my work. I'm sure there are others like me. I just like how you out my situation in a different perspective. I was able to look at it a little differently. Thank you for that. SFChrisitanGirl: Oh my that is tough. He seems like someone who has to have the last say and looks like he abuses his power a bit by taking some form of frustration out on his employees. I can't be around people like that. Both of you and Lauryn, it must be difficult working your hardest only to receive a poor evaluation or feedback. It stings. I sometimes get it in college. I always try and use those as a learning experience. Sometimes it works and sometimes I get even more frustrated. Hey at least you put up with your supervisor longer than other people. Tells how strong you are. If it gets worse is there a way you can switch jobs. I know that is extremely difficult in today's world.
  11. SFChristianGirl: That must be very hard. Especially when you have an actual illness but it isn't looked at such. It is easy to get behind on work and fall through the cracks, especially when depression is at its worst. I don't have a job currently and I am terrified to work. I see everyone around me so eager to work and throw themselves in the workplace but I have so much fear. Depending on your job, I think some workplaces aren't very accommodating for people with depression. I am afraid I will end up in a situation like your which will cause me anxiety through the roof. I don't like how depressed people are blamed for not always being up to par. It is part of the illness. A lot of try our best. I'm in college now and it is hard to function as a "normal" student. What do you and your supervisor argue about if I can ask that?
  12. Kmeo, it is very sad that we have to fake it. I don't want to fake it anymore though. I can't take it anymore. The faking it is destroying me inside. I usually am a very honest person. I gotten to the point no one is buying my facade either. I just don't have it in me to act. I need to feel comfortable with myself and embrace who I am and just be me. I just have received a lot of unfair backlash for it though and I just want to be in the real world without fighting or conflict. It is all I want. You may be stronger than me in this aspect. SFChristianGirl: I'm afraid too. It never feels safe to connect only to watch it fall down. It is like one big set of Jenga blocks. And I wish you well too. Do any of you have the heightened sense and constant fear of danger like you are permanently trapped in a state of severe danger. I can't even go to a grocery store without feeling overwhelmed by all the noise, crowds, lights, and urgency. The whole time my reaction was to get rid of anyone who I felt was going to run into me. I almost ran into this one woman, I about had it at that point and was about to put on a face like I wanted to hurt someone and then all of a sudden the woman smiled and caught me off guard. She didn't seem threatening like everyone else almost running into me. Made me calm down a bit for a little while.
  13. The holiday season hurts. It embodies a lot of my suffering. The holidays are about togetherness and family and I never felt apart of any group or family before. Only a few people briefly made me feel like I belonged. I thank them a lot because it gives me that little sliver of hope. Most of my close family were never entirely supportive of me. Always the black sheep. Lots of put downs, mocking stuff like that. I lot from my brother in law. Holidays were never successful for me as a child. I would always get in a fight with someone. I was always put in timeout. No one EVER had my back. It was usually them against me telling me how misbehaved I was. I always felt misunderstood by them and I felt like they never bothered to show much interest in my life, just my one sister (not biological) who is one of those good people. Ironically, we clashed the worst when I was real younger. My biological sister always seemed to get a long better with everyone. She was more like them. Me and her were adopted. She seemed to transition nicely into a new family while I never quite did. She was considered normal and always felt like since she was a female, it was easier for her to fit in. I am the ONLY male in the family (Until 2 brother in laws) and the house was always oriented towards women. My men to this day still talks about how horrible men are. And until recently I have noticed I have nothing in common with my adopted family. I didn't mind it at first but now it is becoming a problem. I didn't mind listening about their lives but realized no one could give a hoot on what I like, my passions, fears, motivations, favorites, stuff like that. So I never had that moment to share which I feel is important. So yeah... holidays are a sore spot for me.....
  14. I really feel detached. I'm going to ask a question. What does feeling connected with someone feel like because I just can't feel that bond with others. I can help others, try and understand them, put myself in their shoes but I feel just as connected with them as I do any other organism. I try to "act" like a person but it isn't natural to me. I feel like I constantly have to fake my emotions now. I have always felt disconnected but recently, SOMETHING is different. It is scary. I am in this hypersensitive state where the faintest of noise or light or anything that is from the real world can send me into this state like where I'm super jumpy. It is like my senses are heightened a bit. Anything that takes me out of my own head feels very distant and scary and not real. I feel like people have an anchor of some sorts to their surroundings. Like things that keep them grounded. I'm not sure I have one. Whenever I think of anything outside of my own mind it is all negative and things I just don't want to deal with. I feel like a lot of recent events were just so frustrating and cruel that I lost the need to be "present" anymore. Whenever I think of the "real world" I can only match it with bad events. When I am in my own head and someone gets my attention and takes me out of that space, I feel like my blood temperature rises to insane levels because I feel so annoyed that I have to be present and exist. It is an odd feeling. I feel like I have a lot of resentment over many things in the past and recently and I feel so angry inside. When people talk to me I get so angry because I felt so wronged by them and feel like they don't deserve to talk to me. I feel like I need to be on guard for any little stunt they pull because even today when I was making an effort to stay out of my own head I remembered why I keep myself in my own mind. The moment I try, I'm doing something wrong. Happens so much with my mother. The moments I make an effort to connect she just yells and gets all pi**y with me and I just shut down more. Or I finally begin to talk and I'm interrupted. So I always tell myself why bother. So I just lock myself in my room once more. What I see in people are opportunities for them to hurt me and nothing else. I feel like I'm forming instincts like an animal does when feeling threatened. guarded and ready to attack hence when I jump and get very angry. it scares me because I don't want to scare or hurt anyone. I can't not shut myself out forever but at the same time being around others atm will make me feel even more on guard and provoked. People tell me to forget about the past but what if it tends to follow you. And I feel like it is trying to tell me something important.
  15. Thank you Fizzle for the well thought out response. I read it a while back but I was just too overwhelmed to process it all and reply back. I'm happy you were able to figure things out for yourself that allowed you to get out of rough situations. Therapy seems different for everyone. I never had a chance to be afraid of therapy. I really never had a day in my life without therapy of some kind. Even when I was 5 or even younger. It is both a good and bad things. Being assertive is very hard. I have a lot of ideals and morals and things that I know but do not have the confidence to stick by them when confronted. I want to. But even thinking about it sends me down to a really dark memory. As a child I was always on my own. By alone, I meant, I had no one stick up for me. I was always singled out and always seemed like I was ganged up on. Still do. If I had a conflicting opinion, I would receive backlash not only from one person but a group of people. You know what they say in power of numbers. The moments I open up a little of myself and say something that I was meaning to say it isn't met with such warmness. I really wasn't encouraged to embrace my opinions or supported on things I enjoy. Never really taken seriously. It is really hard to find balance. I just keep my mouth shut which doesn't help me at all but once I open it and say how I feel, all there are is arguments and backlash. I love my peace and I just do not find it around others. I really want and need to be myself but how in the world do I react when someone greets me when I just don't feel like putting on a face. Naturally my body is wanting to say hi in a more monotone straight faced way but since that seems rude I end up putting on this bubbly fake persona. And when I do put on my normal face I feel like it upsets people. I think the bigger truth scares me and I keep denying it. It is I really don't like other people and think a lot of people are full of themselves and I'm not really interested in what they have to say because I never had a "normal stable life" and cannot relate to anyone. I truly believe I look at people the same I do to animals. I simply do not understand them and study them like I do animals. Even though I'm human, people are very foreign and I never connected with anyone before. I know I need to be alone but I constantly keep denying it because it isn't "normal" by societal means and I honestly think it will require me years of alone time to heal. It might be the first Christmas where I will have to stay home because I need to "reconnect" with myself again. How are you doing these days?
  16. This is pretty much how I feel. I can appreciate the freedoms and liberties living here and try not to take things for granted but I look around my area and I do not relate as well to the people around me. I'm from a small town and I always had an eccentric and more "artsy" personality. A lot of people are realist while I have a huge imagination. And ever since growing up, I had such a liking to Japanese culture. It was the first thing I connected with and things such as anime, their godly food, and Japanese music along with part of the culture in a sense kept me living. I don't consider myself Japanese but I have always felt more in tune with some of their ways of living. Just like every culture there are things I don't necessarily agree with in Japanese culture but I feel there is more there for me than here some days. I also have been getting into K-pop and things like that. I also never align with the hottest pop culture trends. And I agree with how our culture are more loud and in your face. I have to fake it sometimes and it comes of as a lame attempt at screaming at a dead fish. I like to take time to articulate my thoughts and I am not so quick to state an opinion. People are constantly talking and socialization is HIGHLY valued here. Something I notice is very common here. I think this is more of a western thing in general. Good post!
  17. Fizzle: When you say attachment do you mean strictly romantic relationships or just relationships in general. I feel it is harder when I am becoming close to someone. It is like you have more to lose. The guilt can be overbearing a lot of days. I feel bad but at the same time I just can't. I can't do or be what/how others want me to do/be. I don't want to pry but I'm assuming there was a trauma dealing with someone else and it brings back memories. Unfortunately I never had great social skills. I mean I kind of did and I do know how to communicate but I can never get what I need to say out. I used to socialize a bit more even though I hated it. I try to be assertive but no matter what boundary I place, nothing ever changes. I can never fully articulate what I really mean and I'm always misunderstood as a result. It is frustrating. And I still don't know why I'm trying SO hard to do something I don't enjoy. Why? WHY? WHY? I mean I tried even today to be a little more open and chat and did well up until night where someone greeted me and I froze and couldn't even finish a sentence because I messed up the order. I stood in fear because I basically committed social suicide. If I concentrate too much I space out and feel like I'm losing consciousness. I can't stop thinking about it and should of just never attempted to try. I only feel lonely because I feel like I have to be social or i just feel bad I'm distant, but lately I haven't felt LONELY or the need to feel complete with someone else. You say you are wanting to get therapy. Are you not in therapy or any professional services at all? I read a lot of what you had said and doing all that alone would be tough.
  18. Yeah Duck, some medications can take a WHILE before having an effect, unfortunately. I hope the medication does work for you.
  19. I do this too for practically the same reason. I bottle up A LOT though. Usually to avoid spreading negativity but there are times I have to know and I really need to vent. I feel like not talking about it is the equivalent of pretending nothing is going on. It makes it worse in the long run. When I feel upset, I need to feel upset. I can't always spare other's feelings. I'm usually very negative but I can't magically bring up happy topics. I don't have happy and positive topics to bring up so it feels pointless to even be around others when I'm like this. People pressure me to socialize when I'm like this then wonder why I have nothing positive to add. It is like I'm to myself to spare you guys the negativity. I don't do well with the be happy or just smile. I also restate how I'm feeling over and over again because other people do not take the message that I'm not up for being silly or chatting about happy moments I don't have. And the worst is when I do have something positive or exciting to add and get either blank stares, you're weird, interrupted, or others get mad because I'm not directing the conversation to something that isn't about them. I say vent when you have to. Bottling it in only makes things worse. It creates the need for passive aggressiveness. I personally do not have time for other people who don't understand which is practically everyone. Sorry, your post was a slight trigger. Didn't mean to rant. I do think the topic of depression needs to come up a lot more and I feel once the stigma is lessened, the need to constantly vent will diminish. Personally, I wish more people would speak up more about their depression.
  20. Mine: I'm really sorry about your story. that really has to be tough. I never thought about that situation before but could see how it would be an issue and to be honest we all should take care of ourselves first. Better in the long run. Hope your Holidays fare better this year.
  21. Depression is literally a monster. I'm telling you. It is like that that episode from Once upon a time with the cursed mirror that only let's you see the negative. I thought I was doing better today and then tried to socialize more and ended up failing hard and now I just want to cry. It is hard trying to feel normal but I feel like everyone can see how un-normal I am. Lost: I really, really like what you said about depression being insidious. That is pretty true. Scary to think about. You seem very self aware though. It is hard when you know something logically but feel something totally different. Like you know you aren't a complete failure but you can't stop feeling it. No matter how hard you try to apply logic it never beats how you feel. And since you are depressed, you can't feel an positivity or trust in anything positive. It is all very tiring.
  22. When others tell you you have to make friends it makes you feel like you are flawed or you HAVE to do something that makes sense to them but fail to understand that you don't need to be surrounded by others like them. There is a huge debate about human's being social creatures. In general I agree but I am not sure that has to include the ENTIRE human population. Most humans are normal height but there are some people who are dwarfs. When people associate height with humans they usually generalize the our species to be 5-6 feet. I honestly believe there are others who just do not connect with others and are ok and feel like we should leave them be. I get lonely too sometimes but it is a lot more rare. I feel more lonely after socializing.
  23. I'm sorry you are struggling with this Teddy. I like when you said you feel in the zone. And I'm really glad you said that as it reminds me more of why I am in isolation. I preform a LOT better on my own. Your therapist sounds like what I always hear. People insist it will make you feel better. I'm sure good healthy friendships would. Even still I like my own company the best. Socializing usually make me feel worse. Now if being lonely does make either of us feel worse then it would be time to try and connect again or come out from hiding. The only issue is, I haven't felt the need to socialize in months. I feel there should be answers for this too. I am constantly looking online for ANYTHING and everything on this. All I found were Anhedonia, Depersonalization, derealization, and schizoid personality. I thought this was all social anxiety but it isn't, At least in my case. I am always nervous and shy but never stopped me from interacting in the past. And I don't think anyone can really define a "good" friend. I hope you can find those good friends! how are you usually socially?
  24. Aww yay I'm not completely alone in this and sorry you probably deal with similar things as I do. Holidays indeed are hard. Especially when you are expected to interact. I don't really hate anyone and I'm not exactly mad at others. Like you I am enjoying being alone. I think others assume I am how I used to be. I was alone a lot but I was lonely and craved human interaction. I really don't get lonely too often, if at all. It sounds weird to say. I have spent a great deal trying to find happiness and once I finally seemed to find it, I was told it will not make me happy because my way of making myself happy is not acceptable. Part of it angers me in a way. I still would help others in need but do it because if I were in the situation I would want someone to do that for me. I fake emotions but do help because I do want to spread as much positive energy I can. How is your situation. Do you connect with your family at all? Are the holidays usually triggering or was this one holiday where you just preferred to be on your own? I hope you enjoyed the holiday by yourself though. It can be relaxing. Thanksgiving just could be a loner's worse Holiday xD
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