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Posts posted by Icarus21

  1. I can empathize with you OP. I have since moved on from needing others around and now I am the complete opposite where I prefer solitude. But when you made friends and felt them pulling away, it really does hurt a lot. Especially when it is hard to make friends. I have been trying to take a step back and working on my independence a bit. You seem to be very loyal and have compassion and it really sucks when others don't reciprocate. I learned that it was common and that for me, good friends could spend time apart but still feel connected. They had open communication and didn't shut the other person off. What do you have in common with you friend, or what do you like about your friend that makes you so loyal? I would take some time to yourself as well and find things that you can enjoy alone. I'm sure you have amazing qualities within you!  I wish you good luck on whatever you choose!

  2. Welcome to the forums Dodie! You're in good company! Looks like you are are doing what you can given the circumstances. What kind of OCD symptoms do you have? I suffer with tourettes and have OCD like symptoms. I would like to hear someone else explain their OCD symptoms so I understand better. Anyways I hope you find a lot of help here! Btw there are specific subforuns that deal with specific issues and the general one sich as the one you posted on to talk about any issue. There also are a lot of resources to look at if you need them. :-)

  3. It is a coincidence I foubd this today as I was having the same dilemna and mept beating myself up. I suffer with depression and PTSD and it is very exhausting. You are not alone and I believe you are trying very hard hence you are really burnt out. I wish we could give ourselves more recognition on just getting up in the day and doing our daily tasks without feeling like we are failing because we get so exhausted. I'm so sorry you are back to feeling low. I'm glad to hear you were good for several months though. I hope you will return to that but if life taught me anything these things happen and they aren't always due to us not trying hard enough. Feeling exhausted mentally really take a whole lot out of you. Do you ever get so mentally exhausted it turns physical? It looks like that is what is happening and that to me is like being paralyzed. I wonder if any pther health related issue is effecting this. I'm going for test now but everything seems to come back nornal. Well anyways I can relate to what you are saying and I hope things get better for you! Take care and take it easy :) 

  4. 10 hours ago, Ethosa said:

    Don't beat yourself up over wanting to take care of yourself, but don't drag out your situation longer. Maybe finish the projects you're in the middle of right now, but don't accept any more if you can't handle it.

    Hang in there :flowers:

    Thank you so much for the support! It makes me feel a little better about approaching my employer and just being open and honest about my needs. I will try and give you an update when I do decide. :)

  5. 2 hours ago, Ethosa said:

    I think you should be honest with your employer. You current situation will affect your performance at work sooner or later. You need to take a little time off to make yourself stronger. You have every right to ask for it, you're just looking out for yourself. Take things slow, recovery doesn't happen overnight. Start out with small goals, and with doing something you love and you're really good at so you can start trusting yourself again.

    Opening up about those kind of things can be real tough, yeah. But it's sometimes the only option.

    You're right. I just feel so guilty about it and I know I shouldn't. It sucks we are told not to disclose our issues with our employers. I'm usually very honest and open and don't like keeping secrets or living a lie. I like being transparent. I'm in the middle of a couple projects and I'm not sure I can just opt out. I been wanting to disclose this for a month now. Now I feel like a s***ty person. :/

  6. Hi Everyone!

    I'm a recent college undergrad and I have a job in online marketing and advertising. The job isn't taxing at all and my employer is very nice and easy going. I'm still kind of in training so I don't really get paid a whole lot but I'm still on disability due to some conditions I have so I still get the same amount whether I work or not. I really just wanted to be a contributing member of society since I do feel so guilty being on SSI. Anyways I have been dealing with too much emotionally. I always think it would just take one event or just one word someone says to me or just one little thing to totally set me off and completely break me. I am trying to put on this strong face. My mind just cannot focus on much else except all of the things that I keep ruminating about. College was a positive experience for many but it completely broke me. It wasn't just college but that time-frame. I did a lot of growing at that time and learned a few things, had to reinvent myself many times and have dealt with so many different issues and I just am an empty shell now. 


    So I am dealing with PTSD at the moment and my gut keeps telling me I should just take a break from it all and just focus on my mental health which I wasn't able to do in college. It was the whole point in me finally finishing. I got a degree in something that I just didn't love but stuck with it to finish. I feel like I am not fully there at the job I have now and my employer does not know about my mental history. I am his only employee right now since it is a start up and he relies on me and I don't want to let him down. He says I do a good job but I would do a lot better if my mind wasn't so stuck on a billion other things besides work. I wish I could make work in my topic #3 priority but most days I struggle getting out of bed and just do anything i can to dull the constant thoughts. Some of these coping methods I have now are both healthy and unhealthy but am leaning more towards the unhealthy ones such as overeating which makes my situation worse. I need to exercise, eat better, actually go get some good therapy and just put all of my focus into taking care of myself better. I may be naive here. 


    I think the biggest hurdle right now is my lost sense of self. I used to be a character. I was eccentric but I didn't mind being a little out there. I seemed to know what I wanted and had some sort of drive. I grew up in a toxic family for me and I just wasn't allowed to be myself. In college I started from someone who had goals to someone who just went through the motions. I had a difficult time their with others and I started not to care much about anything anymore. I keep beating myself up about not being able to focus as much and instead of studying right for my next certification I'm on here writing. I'm still in the same toxic household and feel like I'm stuck here because I was never taught the skills to be independent. 


    I really want to tell my employer that I'm just not well enough to work at the moment but I am so afraid. I don't even know if I would still have the job after. I feel like my main calling is art and I know the difficulties in getting a job in art but it has always been the one thing that made me want to live life. One of the few things I am passionate about. I'm not sure how to disclose my mental history to my employer. I worked really hard so far but my mind keeps wandering off and don't see myself as someone who can be on top of things when I have a whole 5 years worth of stuff I am still dealing with and sorting out. All with no major resolve or closure. I feel like a joke. I'm not sure what to do. I need to get over my fears.

  7. I feel like this all the time. I'm glad you seem self aware though and it seems like something we both want to work on. It is really hard when we need to do something but our bodies don't want to move. I'm not sure it is out of laziness though as having depression just makes every task harder to do and if you are feeling really unwell it is like going somewhere with a big concrete block being anchored to us. Mr Shadow I really agree with 

    "It's better to not think about it. Just get up and do whatever you need to do. The longer you think about it, the harder it becomes."


    It is hard but I find truth in it as well. At the same time don't beat yourself up. And if you have a lack of motivation like I do, it just makes it much harder. I'm writing this as I'm kind of procrastinating on work. My head just isn't in it at the moment. I hope you find the energy you need to get yourself out of the house! From one homebody to the other ;)

  8. 1 hour ago, scienceguy said:

    wow your exactly like me i feel like a ****** everyday,for everything i forget and mess up.i experience that same thing everyday.at my old job my co-workers would joke that im like a male blonde.i lose everything mis interpret instructions.forget things lose things,lock myself out of my car,my house drop things.Do things that make no rational sense im afraid that i won,t be able to hide my absentmindedness to get a career in science or teaching.I have to make jokes and have a good sense of humor or people would be constantly p***** off at me.im embarrassed of how little I know despite being educated and being seen as a smart person


  9. You remind me so much like myself! I'm truly sorry you are feeling really upset at the moment. I believe you are trying your best. I think when you do all the necessary steps to remember and try your hardest to fail, it is really disappointing and it is so easy to blame ourselves. I mean it is completely frustrating. The guilt of feeling like you are letting people down and aren't reliable is really hard to deal with. I hope you can forgivebyourself as I know you are doing all you can. I think it has to do with being so overloaded. I hope you can find a way to remember easier. You aren't broken though. 

    Hang in there and be kind to yourself!

  10. 1 hour ago, Fizzle said:

    I really get that the covert part is the hardest, And I think for me part of that is because of the invalidation. I have  deep seated invalidation wounds and things that are not that easy to put into words and obvious to others feel impossible. And the type of wound the covert stuff created feels like it cut into my core being in some way, Discussing them feels and is impossible. I have been repeatedly told that the big trauma effects the responses to this but it feels big in and of itself to me.

    Your mothers narcissism and your sisters bullying and undermining would definitely do that to you.  Invaladation takes away our belief in ourselves and denies our humanity. It undermined our right to have our own feelings, preferences, self. I think thats why its so damaging. 

    Im not sure about you just needing to validate yourself. Sounds really cbt to me. We certainly cant rely on others to validate everything indefinitely but I know I needed just a little from others to start. I hope you get some validation fuel to start things off for you. You havent had any and I think its a little like food and we all need at least a little in life. Then hopefully confidence, assertiveness and self knowledge will take you to the next level and help you break free, 


    That was nicely worded and comforting! I do feel like the invalidation became my biggest obstacle. It would help out a lot for some validation to start with. Feeling like you are made to be a liar or overreacting for things that happened to me doesn't make me feel good at all. I would love to be able to be me. The worst part about rhe invalidation is I completely lost myself. When I talk, I don't know if they are my words or words from someone else. It is really jarring. One day at a time.

  11. 17 hours ago, My empire of dirt said:

    You only know if you live it. Those  who are not burden with depression, hopelessness, loneiness, worthlessness and issues of self doubt will never know.

    Unfortunate, but true. I wish people could admit they don't understand instead of lecture me about things they are ignorant about. It cones off as insulting and insensitive.

  12. 17 hours ago, QueenV said:

    Hi Icarus, I have trouble just living my life, too. It's difficult to do when people judge us (it makes me so self-conscious). What I'm just now learning to do, though, is to be deaf to all the clueless people, ignore them and live life MY way... on MY terms.

    Many people are pressuring me to work a job I despise, in retail. But I'm chasing a job as a writer, which they believe is just a hobby. I don't care what THEY believe anymore, what I believe is the only thing that matters... after all, it's MY life!

    And I know myself well enough to realize that retail work depresses me. My point is, though, that if you don't turn a deaf ear on people who claim to know what's best for you (when they really don't), you will drown out your own inner voice. I drowned out my voice and that's how I became suicidal, I was living the way others wanted me to live my life.

    Only YOU know what's best for YOUR life... not THEM!

    I really really needed this reply thanks! What you said applies to me exactly abd you written it out beautifully. I also have been drowning out my inner voice. It has become increasingly strong and I keep fighting against it do to fear. It makes me become very sick. I'm really glad you were able to what is best for YOU. I hope you found peace. 

  13. 18 hours ago, Epictetus said:

    Hi Icarus,

         I am so sorry for what you have been going through.  I wish I knew what to say, but I am ill today and cannot keep my focus.  You are certainly very important to me and so many people here!  You deserve so much better than what you you have received from life!  Please forgive the shortness of my reply.  You deserve more from me too.  I am hoping things will improve for you! ! !

    Sincerely,  Epictetus

    You don't have to apologize! Thank you for the support! You are important to me too! Honestly, I think you deserve more from me. You are extremely supportive on these boards. I have trouble with replies as well.


    Take care!

  14. 1 hour ago, Fizzle said:

    Hi Icarus, :rose:

    I am so sorry for the profound invalidation and dismissal you experience. And I understand the covert stuff and how impossible it is to put into words. 

    I hope you at least start feeling a little more sense of validity in yourself as you move away from home. 

    Hey Fizzle!

    It is good hearing from you. I hope I receive more validation as well. I know I'm supposed to self validate myself but it is hard when you are told not to trust yourself. I am still at home currently and it will probably be a year or two until I'm ready to move away. I have been thinking about going back into therapy lately and just have someone there who can guide me who understands. I think the covert stuff is the hardest part. I'm not as articulate as I want to be so I usually draw a blank or stumble over my words like a buffoon. Things like my sisters emotional abuse, bad experience with the mental health system, or dealing with other things such as racist people. I usually have to deal with these things alone. I think it made me more mad at the enablers than the actual person responsible. I heard a really great quote from a show. "It said to live your life" I struggle with that. I think I will always have resentment but I do think it would help for me to live my life. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to do that. 

  15. 1 hour ago, long journey said:

    Most of the time I use guided meditations cuz that puts my thoughts on a healthy path. Many days, I sit in my living room and watch the sunset and just get quiet inside myself. And listening to good music really helps me get to a nice place. Perhaps a seyance would too! 

    I'm really glad you found something that works for you! :)

  16. 16 hours ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

    Adult healthy-looking males don't get much sympathy for depression, just trite advice, dismissal, or contempt.  Most don't believe it's real or else think it's just weakness or complaining.

    Depression is a deadly but invisible illness.  Feeling down sometimes isn't depression.  Severe depression is being under constant assault in your mind and body.  If someone doesn't experience it themselves (and most do not), they will never understand it.

    So you suffer alone with no sympathy from others, which makes things 1000 times worse.  This is the hell of depression.  We either just endure it or end our pain in extreme fashion.

    Sadly, this is very true in the Western world where being tough and emotionless equals being a man. Those types of archaic beliefs hurt me more times than I can count. I wish others could have more compassion and empathy. I have become apathetic as of late but I still make sure I can see where someone else is coming from before I judge. I am not perfect with it obviously. I think suffering alone really illustrates what I am feeling. I have had numerous amounts of friends, doctors, therapists, specialists and still felt alone with all of this. I think this is why I come here because I don't feel as alone here and it reminds me that you guys share things in common and to me that helps the most. Thank you for replying!

  17. 16 hours ago, My empire of dirt said:

    The man who says to the man whos in the mud -"why don't you get outta the mud" has never been in that mud thus he doesn't understand. Life isn't easy for the most well adjusted among us and even harder for those of us  who have  depression. Each day is a grind to get thru to another day without blowing your brains out cause theres no one you can depend on and theres no one to talk to. Others just walk on by with the attitude "better you then me" and discard you like you where Sh!t on  their shoes. I keep telling myself that theres hope for me someday. But the reality is that I will die alone, I hope for you that never happens and you get the help and understanding you deserve.

    That quote is perfect! I have tried to explain a similar explanation to others but I don't think they understood it. It is very true though. I hope you are able to reach a place where there is hope. I really mean that. Thank you for your kindness. I can really feel the emotion in your words. Take care!

  18. 8 hours ago, allalone6 said:

    people blame when they don't understand. Im in your shoes too. my "support" disappeared when I didn't miraculously get cured with therapy and pills. ive been told im "doing this for attention" and "not trying" that its "all in my head" and "I have nothing to be depressed about". its just a matter of ignorance. they don't understand. its frustrating and hurtful but you cant change it, if they wanted to understand it all better, they would try, its easier to blame you then to learn to understand it.

    im sorry, its so incredible hard to just deal with depression and then deal with how everyone is treating you over something you cant control is topping on the cake. I unfortunately have no answers or tricks to get thru it. I no longer share with people. I was always cautious with whom I shared with to begin with, and only a handful know, but I must of picked the wrong people. ive learned...now I just hide it all and try to force a smile.

    I'm really sorry to hear those were the reactions you received. Those do not sound like the reactions from people who care. I understand part of it is on us as well but I met my fair share of people who didn't bother to understand. Like you said, I think it was easier for them to have me deal with it alone while silencing me. I had a friend who got tired of me because I just wasn't happy and she didn't want to be my friend anymore. The pressure people put on me made me feel worse. Thank you for sharing your story though. I relate to a lot with what you said. I am too cautious on who I tell. I hope one day both of us can take off the forced smile mask and be ourselves.

  19. 7 hours ago, long journey said:

    I try not to share too much either. I don't want to spread the misery. Afraid people will get turned off. Afraid I'll sound like a broken record. (Also, I'm tired of the subject...depression....if only I could wish it away! Maybe I need an exorcism! Just kidding!) So far the two best remedies i've found are walking and meditating.

    I feel that way too. Like a huge burden. It is hard balancing reaching out for help and dealing with things on your own. Lately I have been trying to deal with it on my own and things build up and fester. What do you do for meditation. I can never seem to relax my mind. Sometimes when I try to meditate a funny random thought will pop up and completely pull me out of the mood or my mind usually is blank. I do listen to music and try and calm myself down. That and art work the best so far. Want to have a seyance? lol

  20. 6 hours ago, GSpolar said:

    I see a dual approach:

    1. We talk to each other here and expect little of people outside of the community, acknowledging that we are speaking a foreign language to people who have not had to run through the waist deep mud that is depression.

    2. We use the words, the glances, the skepticism, everything they send our way to invalidate us as motivation to run and exercise harder, which is my greatest ally for beating depression, if only for a few hours at a time.  


    That is a really interesting way of looking at it. Are you saying use the invalidation as motivation?

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