Icarus21

Beating Myself Up

Really Slacking Off

I can empathize with you OP. I have since moved on from needing others around and now I am the complete opposite where I prefer solitude. But when you made friends and felt them pulling away, it really does hurt a lot. Especially when it is hard to make friends. I have been trying to take a step back and working on my independence a bit. You seem to be very loyal and have compassion and it really sucks when others don't reciprocate. I learned that it was common and that for me, good friends could spend time apart but still feel connected. They had open communication and didn't shut the other person off. What do you have in common with you friend, or what do you like about your friend that makes you so loyal? I would take some time to yourself as well and find things that you can enjoy alone. I'm sure you have amazing qualities within you! I wish you good luck on whatever you choose!

I believe i always had it, but I believe i noticed it around 5 years old.

Welcome to the forums Dodie! You're in good company! Looks like you are are doing what you can given the circumstances. What kind of OCD symptoms do you have? I suffer with tourettes and have OCD like symptoms. I would like to hear someone else explain their OCD symptoms so I understand better. Anyways I hope you find a lot of help here! Btw there are specific subforuns that deal with specific issues and the general one sich as the one you posted on to talk about any issue. There also are a lot of resources to look at if you need them. :-)

It is a coincidence I foubd this today as I was having the same dilemna and mept beating myself up. I suffer with depression and PTSD and it is very exhausting. You are not alone and I believe you are trying very hard hence you are really burnt out. I wish we could give ourselves more recognition on just getting up in the day and doing our daily tasks without feeling like we are failing because we get so exhausted. I'm so sorry you are back to feeling low. I'm glad to hear you were good for several months though. I hope you will return to that but if life taught me anything these things happen and they aren't always due to us not trying hard enough. Feeling exhausted mentally really take a whole lot out of you. Do you ever get so mentally exhausted it turns physical? It looks like that is what is happening and that to me is like being paralyzed. I wonder if any pther health related issue is effecting this. I'm going for test now but everything seems to come back nornal. Well anyways I can relate to what you are saying and I hope things get better for you! Take care and take it easy :)

Thank you so much for all the positive comments!! I will defibitely keep you posted! I will try to anyways. I'm forgetful ?

Thank you so much for the support! It makes me feel a little better about approaching my employer and just being open and honest about my needs. I will try and give you an update when I do decide. :)

You're right. I just feel so guilty about it and I know I shouldn't. It sucks we are told not to disclose our issues with our employers. I'm usually very honest and open and don't like keeping secrets or living a lie. I like being transparent. I'm in the middle of a couple projects and I'm not sure I can just opt out. I been wanting to disclose this for a month now. Now I feel like a s***ty person. :/

Hi Everyone! I'm a recent college undergrad and I have a job in online marketing and advertising. The job isn't taxing at all and my employer is very nice and easy going. I'm still kind of in training so I don't really get paid a whole lot but I'm still on disability due to some conditions I have so I still get the same amount whether I work or not. I really just wanted to be a contributing member of society since I do feel so guilty being on SSI. Anyways I have been dealing with too much emotionally. I always think it would just take one event or just one word someone says to me or just one little thing to totally set me off and completely break me. I am trying to put on this strong face. My mind just cannot focus on much else except all of the things that I keep ruminating about. College was a positive experience for many but it completely broke me. It wasn't just college but that time-frame. I did a lot of growing at that time and learned a few things, had to reinvent myself many times and have dealt with so many different issues and I just am an empty shell now. So I am dealing with PTSD at the moment and my gut keeps telling me I should just take a break from it all and just focus on my mental health which I wasn't able to do in college. It was the whole point in me finally finishing. I got a degree in something that I just didn't love but stuck with it to finish. I feel like I am not fully there at the job I have now and my employer does not know about my mental history. I am his only employee right now since it is a start up and he relies on me and I don't want to let him down. He says I do a good job but I would do a lot better if my mind wasn't so stuck on a billion other things besides work. I wish I could make work in my topic #3 priority but most days I struggle getting out of bed and just do anything i can to dull the constant thoughts. Some of these coping methods I have now are both healthy and unhealthy but am leaning more towards the unhealthy ones such as overeating which makes my situation worse. I need to exercise, eat better, actually go get some good therapy and just put all of my focus into taking care of myself better. I may be naive here. I think the biggest hurdle right now is my lost sense of self. I used to be a character. I was eccentric but I didn't mind being a little out there. I seemed to know what I wanted and had some sort of drive. I grew up in a toxic family for me and I just wasn't allowed to be myself. In college I started from someone who had goals to someone who just went through the motions. I had a difficult time their with others and I started not to care much about anything anymore. I keep beating myself up about not being able to focus as much and instead of studying right for my next certification I'm on here writing. I'm still in the same toxic household and feel like I'm stuck here because I was never taught the skills to be independent. I really want to tell my employer that I'm just not well enough to work at the moment but I am so afraid. I don't even know if I would still have the job after. I feel like my main calling is art and I know the difficulties in getting a job in art but it has always been the one thing that made me want to live life. One of the few things I am passionate about. I'm not sure how to disclose my mental history to my employer. I worked really hard so far but my mind keeps wandering off and don't see myself as someone who can be on top of things when I have a whole 5 years worth of stuff I am still dealing with and sorting out. All with no major resolve or closure. I feel like a joke. I'm not sure what to do. I need to get over my fears.

So happy to hear you are doing better!!!! :)

I feel like this all the time. I'm glad you seem self aware though and it seems like something we both want to work on. It is really hard when we need to do something but our bodies don't want to move. I'm not sure it is out of laziness though as having depression just makes every task harder to do and if you are feeling really unwell it is like going somewhere with a big concrete block being anchored to us. Mr Shadow I really agree with "It's better to not think about it. Just get up and do whatever you need to do. The longer you think about it, the harder it becomes." It is hard but I find truth in it as well. At the same time don't beat yourself up. And if you have a lack of motivation like I do, it just makes it much harder. I'm writing this as I'm kind of procrastinating on work. My head just isn't in it at the moment. I hope you find the energy you need to get yourself out of the house! From one homebody to the other ;)

*Hugs*

You remind me so much like myself! I'm truly sorry you are feeling really upset at the moment. I believe you are trying your best. I think when you do all the necessary steps to remember and try your hardest to fail, it is really disappointing and it is so easy to blame ourselves. I mean it is completely frustrating. The guilt of feeling like you are letting people down and aren't reliable is really hard to deal with. I hope you can forgivebyourself as I know you are doing all you can. I think it has to do with being so overloaded. I hope you can find a way to remember easier. You aren't broken though. Hang in there and be kind to yourself!

That was nicely worded and comforting! I do feel like the invalidation became my biggest obstacle. It would help out a lot for some validation to start with. Feeling like you are made to be a liar or overreacting for things that happened to me doesn't make me feel good at all. I would love to be able to be me. The worst part about rhe invalidation is I completely lost myself. When I talk, I don't know if they are my words or words from someone else. It is really jarring. One day at a time.

Unfortunate, but true. I wish people could admit they don't understand instead of lecture me about things they are ignorant about. It cones off as insulting and insensitive.

I really really needed this reply thanks! What you said applies to me exactly abd you written it out beautifully. I also have been drowning out my inner voice. It has become increasingly strong and I keep fighting against it do to fear. It makes me become very sick. I'm really glad you were able to what is best for YOU. I hope you found peace.

You don't have to apologize! Thank you for the support! You are important to me too! Honestly, I think you deserve more from me. You are extremely supportive on these boards. I have trouble with replies as well. Take care!

Hey Fizzle! It is good hearing from you. I hope I receive more validation as well. I know I'm supposed to self validate myself but it is hard when you are told not to trust yourself. I am still at home currently and it will probably be a year or two until I'm ready to move away. I have been thinking about going back into therapy lately and just have someone there who can guide me who understands. I think the covert stuff is the hardest part. I'm not as articulate as I want to be so I usually draw a blank or stumble over my words like a buffoon. Things like my sisters emotional abuse, bad experience with the mental health system, or dealing with other things such as racist people. I usually have to deal with these things alone. I think it made me more mad at the enablers than the actual person responsible. I heard a really great quote from a show. "It said to live your life" I struggle with that. I think I will always have resentment but I do think it would help for me to live my life. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to do that.

I'm really glad you found something that works for you! :)

Sadly, this is very true in the Western world where being tough and emotionless equals being a man. Those types of archaic beliefs hurt me more times than I can count. I wish others could have more compassion and empathy. I have become apathetic as of late but I still make sure I can see where someone else is coming from before I judge. I am not perfect with it obviously. I think suffering alone really illustrates what I am feeling. I have had numerous amounts of friends, doctors, therapists, specialists and still felt alone with all of this. I think this is why I come here because I don't feel as alone here and it reminds me that you guys share things in common and to me that helps the most. Thank you for replying!

That quote is perfect! I have tried to explain a similar explanation to others but I don't think they understood it. It is very true though. I hope you are able to reach a place where there is hope. I really mean that. Thank you for your kindness. I can really feel the emotion in your words. Take care!

I'm really sorry to hear those were the reactions you received. Those do not sound like the reactions from people who care. I understand part of it is on us as well but I met my fair share of people who didn't bother to understand. Like you said, I think it was easier for them to have me deal with it alone while silencing me. I had a friend who got tired of me because I just wasn't happy and she didn't want to be my friend anymore. The pressure people put on me made me feel worse. Thank you for sharing your story though. I relate to a lot with what you said. I am too cautious on who I tell. I hope one day both of us can take off the forced smile mask and be ourselves.

I feel that way too. Like a huge burden. It is hard balancing reaching out for help and dealing with things on your own. Lately I have been trying to deal with it on my own and things build up and fester. What do you do for meditation. I can never seem to relax my mind. Sometimes when I try to meditate a funny random thought will pop up and completely pull me out of the mood or my mind usually is blank. I do listen to music and try and calm myself down. That and art work the best so far. Want to have a seyance? lol

That is a really interesting way of looking at it. Are you saying use the invalidation as motivation?