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About magicfan

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  1. Still feeling awful. I have the management at my apartment complex and now that I'm about to get to a reasonable room (maybe??) they say it won't be ready in time because the old tenants refuse to leave. Funny, they're allowed to stay but I can't possibly break my lease and get the hell out of here despite their ignoring my countless repair requests. Regretting my decision to move from my old crappy apartment an regretting living this long.
  2. Thanks for the help. It's nice to know I'm not alone but it still hurts to know that this doesn't get any better. I've had a few good moments in the past week where I forgot about wanting to die, but the second the moment ends I'm right back to remembering my hopelessness. When tiny issues pop up (A bit of traffic, the place I wanted to shop at is closed today, etc) it seems like the world is out to get me. Even after good moments, once they end, I realize that the fun was just covering up the pain for a moment. My only hope seems to be bury my head in tv, music, eating, sleeping or whatever numbs the pain for a bit.
  3. Sorry to only come here when I have problems and never to help (maybe someday I'll be able to help) I've noticed a problem in my life lately. Every time a slightly bigger-than-usual problem pops up in my life, I immediately go to thoughts of suicide. I have no idea how I'd do it, but I really just want to escape via death. It just seems like the easiest way to sole any issue. I think about hopes I used to have that are long gone, I think of aiming for new hopes and how they'll just turn out the same way. Then I think "what am I aiming for anyway? This all ends eventually.". Any idea of how to stop these thoughts or gain some true hope again? Right now, I just see my future as an endless cycle of hope, failure, new hope, new failure, ect.
  4. Thanks for the advice, everyone. I've been feeling better in the past few days about sticking with the job. In my best moments I realize they really do like my work and they like me as a person. In my worst moments I think that I can't give them the satisfaction of getting rid of me so easily. I'm till not sure how to handle the "games" I think are going on. I want to just do good work, but it seems the definition of "good" is defined y my editor and what she wants to see, which an change at any time. It just bugs me that I can't do much, if anything, about the few people who have all the control over my livelihood.
  5. I recently got a new job and it was going well at first, and it pulled me up from my constant general level of depression. Now that it's been a few months, and some new issues are popping up with the work, my depression is hitting hard. Sorry if this is too long, but it gives context to all my anxiety and depression. I write website content for small businesses (stuff like their services page, their homepage, etc) at a marketing company. I started in January and am now "fully-ramped" and held to their regular standard. The only problem is, I feel like I was only partially trained, as I keep getting edits that didn't pop up before. I wonder, am I just too new to understand the subtle issues with my work, or are they purposely misleading me and setting me up for failure? The way they tell if we are good at the job is with a scoring system from 1-5 on all our work. 1 is a terrible job, while 5 means we got EVERYTHING right. Unfortunately, it seems 5s are next to impossible to get. Basically, our editor will make a dozen or more changes to our work, based on their own preference + the company grammar rules. The question is, how many will the editor label as a "personal preference" change and how many will she label as "incorrect". I've talked with my editor about this and things are a little more clear now, but still not great. I talked to my manager about this and she just says I'm doing fine and don't worry. All of these scores are the basis of bonuses and senior status. I worry that my bonus and senior-level potential is actually based on 50% quality writing and 50% my friendship with my editor. My biggest fear is that they're lying to me in saying "you're doing fine" to just get me to shut up and keep doing good-enough work. That way, when they need to save a few dollars, they can fire me more easily. I feel like they may have an "in group" that I'm not "in" at this point. I see how certain people interact with each other and notice how senior-level writers are buddies with their editors and jr writers aren't. I wish I didn't have to play those games, but clearly I will if I want to last. Even worse, this department has supposedly been hiring regularly for 2+ years, yet there's only 24 people on the team. How many did they hire and how many are gone due to firing or burnout? And why is this the only department in the office with nobody on staff longer than 2 1/2 years? My mind quickly goes down this rabbit hole, noticing all the little annoyances around the office, and saying to myself "I should have known this place is crazy before I took the job!" When I calm down about all of this, I remember the perks of the job and realize that I don't want to leave. I wish they did things differently, but I still need to navigate their system if I want to get ahead or at least maintain my job. Any suggestions of how to handle all of this? Sorry again if it's a lot.
  6. Sorry to hear that you're having so much trouble. It could definitely be the mix of medications that are doing it. Definitely try different combinations to see what works. I've never had more than one at a time, so I'm not sure what it's like to have more. I definitely can relate to the hopelessness. For me, I tend to sleep or rest or watch TV, which makes the feelings fade away. It probably doesn't solve anything in the long term, but at least it clears the mind and, later on, I can try to think back on what made me so depressed and how to deal.
  7. I've had those feelings on occasion, but they usually manifest in an angry energy kind of way. Like, I'm a very quiet person, but at that moment I really want to unleash 26 years of anger and depression on one person. It's hard to deal with, and I usually just manage to kinda suck it back in and feel really tired afterwards. Sorry I can't help too much on how to solve it. Wish I knew how.
  8. Sorry to hear the move isn't going well. Relocating is tough, even if everything about it is supposed to improve your life. I moved about a year ago where most of the decision was worth it. A year later, it's still debatable if the move was the best thing to do, but overall, it has worked out. One thing that may help is to think about and enjoy the good things. Have you found any nice parks or restaurants? Maybe go to those and enjoy the fact that they are available. Also, maybe call some people you knew back home or make a quick trip back to visit. Even typing this helps me feel better about my good/bad decision to leave home a year ago. Keep in mind all the good things that have or will come with the move and you may feel better. Good luck!
  9. I feel the same way a lot, just be careful not to get too deep into it. Suicide is a very big decision and doesn't include any more good horror movies :) TV and movies always help me feel better, too. It's nice to escape this "wonderful" world. Maybe finding some groups online or in person that talk horror films would be a good way to feel better, too. Good luck with everything.
  10. Hi acerz. Congrats on any job at all. It's easy to forget how huge of a blessing that is at all anymore (especially for me being unemployed). I would definitely look at both companies and see where they've been and where they are going. Look up news stories about each and see if there are any bad signs, like declining revenue, lower stock price, a lot of top execs bailing for work elsewhere (All bad signs). See if you can talk to any current employees at the new company to see what's really going on inside. Hope that helps. Good luck in your decision.
  11. Hi. I personally haven't had that obsession, though I've had similar and I may have figured it out. For me, it's watching tv or movies. I'll find myself depressed and watching whatever is on, even if I'm not interested in it. Then when it's over, I feel even worse, as if I wasted valuable time and energy. I think watching tv (and for you, shopping) allows me to escape for a while and not have to deal directly with whatever makes me depressed. It's easier to escape into a story and watch someone deal with their problems, and know that it will turn out alright (there's another episode coming, right?) rather than allowing myself to be depressed and think about the cause and possibly begin to solve it.
  12. Hi extraneous. I feel the exact same way all the time, that I need to make a difference and be "somebody" but there's just no way to do it. I stilldon't know how to get over it myself. I guess it helps to realize how many people would be negatively affected if I ended my life and realize that I love them all too much to do that to them. For better or worse,we're people pleasers and we want others to look at us and say "Thank you" or "You're good". The odd thing is, everyone is looking at themselves and not us. Even we're focused on ourselves most of the time (how we look to others, how we impact the world, ect). A lot of the pressure comes off when you realize how self-absorbed the world really is. Maybe we don't have to be perfect for them. Maybe they wouldn't notice anyway, so we might as well just do our thing for us and no one else.
  13. Hi. My name is Mike and I'm new to the forums. I've been looking around for a bit and it seems this could be a good place for me. I'll see if I can help anyone, but I know I need help myself. I've had depression for most of my life, mainly due to shyness and anxiety. I feel that my only true friend in the world is my brother and I need to branch out to get more than just acquaintances in my life. I moved to Los Angeles almost a year ago and it's a lot like college was for me: I know dozens of people and have no "friends". I've also been depressed due to my job search. After a year of being here, I'm still not employed full time. I have small part time and freelance design work on occasion, but there's no telling when or if any more is coming. At this rate, I'll be moving home very soon, the same person I was before, just this time with no savings. Any help is greatly appreciated. Advice, job leads, friendship, whatever. I hope to meet a lot of people on here. Take care! - Mike
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