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About magicfan

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  1. To anyone who's still alive, I found https://www.imalive.org/ . ill try that
  2. There's no free therapy....anywhere. No free chat, no easy way to sign up and contact another human being immediately. What do I do?!?!?! I wish I were dead
  3. None of that helps or has anything to do with anything
  4. Does anyone have alternatives to Talkspace and Betterhelp? I desperately need therapy but can't afford $1000/week or whatever insane price they charge. Any help is appreciated.
  5. Doing some research and this sounds very relatable: People with cyclothymia can switch from the depressive state to the hypomanic state without warning to them or others. The duration and frequency of phases is unpredictable. Does anyone have this experience ? Lately I've had blasts of energy and blasts of fatigue and depression in the same day.
  6. Thanks for the thoughts, and it's funny you should mention allergies. I've had them pretty bad the past couple of years and this year has basically been twice as bad as usual. Just this week they've been a little more under control.
  7. I've long suffered from moderate to severe depression and anxiety. I spent years on Lexapro which just kinda flattened everything out. Over the years, I lowered the dose with the help of a doctor. This past fall I went off of it completely (though I still use St. Jons Wort - heard that's good?) Now, 6 months later, I realize I'm thinking faster and getting more stress out at the same time. I either have tons of energy and blast off in my work or I can barely get out of bed. It's like my mind is faster than my body. Even as I type this I have to go back and fix all the misspellings and get annoyed with myself that I didn't just slow down and type slower! Any idea if this is a new illness I have now? Something that was buried by the Lexapro for years? Most of all, any suggestions on how to handle it?
  8. Still love my job and hate management. Wish any of their notes on my work made sense. Every time I ask questions I'm treated like shit. Desperately want to leave the job but in the process of buying a house and all that goes away if you're unemployed for even a day. Of course if I die all the problems vanish.
  9. Thanks for the help, I'll be sure to check out the link. Any ideas on how to handle the day-to-day? Fortunately, it's all work from home for now and the next few weeks, so I don't have to keep putting on the fake smile at the office for a while. I just really don't think I can bite my tongue anymore and every time I stand up for myself in the slightest I get shot down.
  10. Lately I feel like I've been doing nothing but "holding it all in". I like what I do for my job, but every time I ask questions in an effort to do better, it leads to trouble. Either I'm basically told "you're doing fine, relax, stop trying so hard", or more often now I'm basically told "shut up and accept the way we do things here!". They SAY that it's okay to ask questions and try to improve, but clearly that's a lie. More and more I get a sense that they don't want me there, and more and more I feel like there's no way for things to get better. I hate the fake smiles and fake friendliness from everyone, knowing that it's all fake and I'm on the wrong side of the office politics. Worst of all, I feel like there's no escape--how do I get a new job now that the economy is crumbling and there's no openings? I dread waking up in the morning knowing that I have to log back in and do the job, and I can't ask questions or stand up for myself without being beaten into submission. Any ideas of how to deal with all of these feelings? I've quit jobs in an instant before and don't want to deal with that again, especially knowing that I'll surely be jobless for a year or more due to the end of the world breaking out right now.
  11. Still feeling awful. I have the management at my apartment complex and now that I'm about to get to a reasonable room (maybe??) they say it won't be ready in time because the old tenants refuse to leave. Funny, they're allowed to stay but I can't possibly break my lease and get the hell out of here despite their ignoring my countless repair requests. Regretting my decision to move from my old crappy apartment an regretting living this long.
  12. Thanks for the help. It's nice to know I'm not alone but it still hurts to know that this doesn't get any better. I've had a few good moments in the past week where I forgot about wanting to die, but the second the moment ends I'm right back to remembering my hopelessness. When tiny issues pop up (A bit of traffic, the place I wanted to shop at is closed today, etc) it seems like the world is out to get me. Even after good moments, once they end, I realize that the fun was just covering up the pain for a moment. My only hope seems to be bury my head in tv, music, eating, sleeping or whatever numbs the pain for a bit.
  13. Sorry to only come here when I have problems and never to help (maybe someday I'll be able to help) I've noticed a problem in my life lately. Every time a slightly bigger-than-usual problem pops up in my life, I immediately go to thoughts of suicide. I have no idea how I'd do it, but I really just want to escape via death. It just seems like the easiest way to sole any issue. I think about hopes I used to have that are long gone, I think of aiming for new hopes and how they'll just turn out the same way. Then I think "what am I aiming for anyway? This all ends eventually.". Any idea of how to stop these thoughts or gain some true hope again? Right now, I just see my future as an endless cycle of hope, failure, new hope, new failure, ect.
  14. Thanks for the advice, everyone. I've been feeling better in the past few days about sticking with the job. In my best moments I realize they really do like my work and they like me as a person. In my worst moments I think that I can't give them the satisfaction of getting rid of me so easily. I'm till not sure how to handle the "games" I think are going on. I want to just do good work, but it seems the definition of "good" is defined y my editor and what she wants to see, which an change at any time. It just bugs me that I can't do much, if anything, about the few people who have all the control over my livelihood.
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