Epictetus

I have heard that MAOI's are excellent . I hope it works out for you!

Hi LoganX, I am so sorry you are struggling. Although I am not in your shoes and would not want to trespass on the absolute uniqueness of your situation, I do know what it is to be struggling and have others ignore and reject me. I will be looking forward to reading more about you. Not only can you choose a Forum in which to tell your story, but you can do it right here in the form of a reply. Although I do not know the details of your struggles, I think you are very heroic!

Hi Diggety Dog, I am sorry that is happening to you. Do you think you could give us some examples of occurrences when this has happened to you?

Hi, I am so very, very sorry you are afflicted with such unhappiness. It is really heartbreaking. I wish I knew what to say to help ease your pain and distress. Is there anything I can do to help?

@Tatortot Hi. It is very nice to meet you. Sorry about my late reply but I have been sick. Being isolated and lonely are things I know well, sadly. I hope you will find these Forums to be a warm and welcome refuge from that.

@MehWhatever Hi. I also want to welcome you here. So sorry about my late reply but I have not been well. I am still not 100%, but I want to tell you that I can really identify with so much of what you write about. Hope you find these Forums to be helpful.

@Steewallgee Hi and welcome to the Forums. Sorry for my late reply to your introductory post but I have been ill. I am sorry you are experiencing the difficulties you mention. Fighting, struggling and never achieving anything is something I can definitely relate to. I hope you find these Forums helpful!

Hi and welcome to the Forums. I am so terribly sorry that both you and your boyfriend are afflicted with depression. It is such a brutal illness. I wish I knew what to say that would help. You mention therapy, but I wonder if you have tried medical treatment. Sometimes depression respond well to medical treatment. Sorry that I don't know what else to suggest. I sure hope you both find something that helps. It is heartbreaking what you are both going through!

Dear Sad Puppy, I am so sorry you are in the unhappy situation you described. Since I can identify so much with what you wrote, I wish I had some really good advice or insight to share. Sadly I lack such wisdom. In my own personal life, I have often felt that luck or grace helped me more than anything I ever did. Hopefully other people here will have helpful words for you. I am sorry and a bit ashamed that I can't helpful to you. It must be so distressing to you to be caught in a web of unhappiness that never seems to abate.

Dear Daniela, I am so very sorry that you are suffering. It is heartbreaking what you are going through. I don't know much about religion but was always taught that God desires the salvation of every human being and that nothing is impossible for God. So I have always felt that there is always hope for everyone. You are clearly beset with so many difficult burdens. I think you are a very inspiring and heroic person to be carrying such heavy loads. I hope you will try to remember that the love we owe to others is also something we owe to ourselves, for how can we be loving persons if we hate ourselves? I wish I knew what to say to help relieve the pain and distress you are experiencing. Do you think it might be helpful to talk to someone like a counselor in your school or church? My deepest apologies for not being able to be helpful to you in your pain! Hopefully others here will have more helpful words for you!

Hi Cynaminngirl, It is very nice to meet you. I have never had to struggle with anything as bad as what you must deal with daily, so my heart goes out to you. I think people like you are so heroic. I hope you will find these Forums not only warm, friendly and welcoming, but also helpful. I will be very interested in reading whatever you decide to post here.

I am so very sorry that you are suffering this unrelenting ordeal. It is so heartbreaking. Since I am not a doctor or medical professional, I cannot offer any advice that you are or anyone could or should rely upon. I can only share what has helped me personally in full awareness that what helps one person may not help another or may make them feel worse. I had to try many different antidepressants before I found one that worked. You mention that Citalopram was ineffective. For me, it was the first antidepressant that really worked. Different antidepressants target different receptors in the brain or combinations of receptors. Some primarily affect dopamine receptors. Others affect norepinephrine or serotonin receptors. Some antidepressants target combinations of receptors. And there are even atypical antidepressants that work differently from others. It took me some time, some very long and miserable time before I was able to find an antidepressant that helped me. I think, but I could be wrong, that there are tests now that help physicians to know which antidepressants are more likely to work for each individual. Another thing that helped me greatly was something called 'cognitive therapy" although to be honest, I was helped more by reading self-help books by famous cognitive therapists than by face-to-face therapy. There is some research* that has linked depression to brain pathology, such as atrophy in regions of the brain, reduced regional cerebral blood flow and regional reduced energy utilization [glucose metabolism]. Stress is thought by some researchers* to be linked to these forms of brain pathology because exposure of the brain to the stress hormones in excess can cause brain atrophy according to many studies.* The stress hormones exist for emergency situations. But many people experience a sense of life or death urgency in situations that are not life or death and so their brains are constantly bathed in stress hormones. Stress can also come from hidden sources. For example, I was raised to be a kind of perfectionist. I was taught to always look at things from the point of view of "could be better, but isn't better." I looked at myself this way and others. I gradually came to look at most things from this point of view. Looking at things from the point of view of "could be better, but isn't better" tends to produce certain feelings and moods: disappointment, aggravation, frustration, anger, guilt, sadness and joyless striving and sadness. Until I was taught "cognitive therapy" I never realized that things looked the way they looked because of the way I looked at them. There is a whole other way of looking at things: "could be worse, but isn't worse." Every person, thing and event in the world can be looked at in either way because every person, thing and event in the world "could be better, but isn't better" and at the same time "could be worse, but isn't worse." But getting stuck in the "could be better, but isn't better" frame of mind is depressogenic. And it creates stress which is also depressogenic. The "could be worse, but isn't worse" way of looking at things tends to produce feelings and moods of appreciation, gratitude and of being lucky or blessed. It tends to engender feelings and moods of peace and joy of living. Many people are able to move between the two ways of looking at things. But it seems that in depression, a person gets stuck in the "could be better" mindset. Sometimes a combination of medication and therapy can be helpful. At least that was the case for me. My antidepressant helped a lot but it was only when I was able to change my default outlook of "could be better" to "could be worse" that I started to really get better. Awhile back I talked to a student who said she was bad, worthless and no good because she did not get straight A's in school [perfectionism]. She had lost perspective. This is characteristic of perfectionism. So I told her that a couple of men in the last 100 years had caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through campaigns of genocide and forced starvation, men like Hitler and Stalin. This girl had not caused the destruction of tens of millions of people. She was far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from a failure like these genocidal dictators had made. So her feelings of being worthless and bad were excessive and grossly out of proportion to her not getting straight A's. As I talked to her, I could see that her depressogenic thinking extended far and wide: She said her parents were no good, her life was no good, her family was no good, her friends were no good. She saw her past, present and future through the lens of her perfectionism. It wasn't really the world that was making her feel bad. It was her way of looking at the world. I was kind of like that girl for most of my life . . . always looking at things from the perspective of "could be better, but isn't better." In my case, it took effective medication and therapy to gradually free myself of this. I think you are a good person struggling heroically with an awful illness. I do not think you are a failure. There are countless things about you that are worthy of appreciation and being treasured, not only by you but by your girl friend and children. In your life so far, you have done countless little and big acts of bravery, intelligence, beauty, kindness and goodness of all kinds. We all have weaknesses and make mistakes. It is important to try to keep perspective in all this. You do no have any weaknesses and have not made any mistakes that have resulted in genocide. You are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from being a failure or bad person. It would be nice if the people in your life appreciated and treasured you and perhaps they do. I hope you will be able to appreciate and treasure yourself. Please do not give up on medical treatment for you depression. It can take awhile to find what works. I hope you find these Forums helpful to you in your search for answers. My deepest apologies if anything I have said has been incorrect or unhelpful or has made you feel worse. It is so hard to know what to say to a fellow sufferer of depression that will be helpful. Hopefully you will get many responses to your post and will find words that are really helpful. I wish you only the very, very best here on these Forums and in your life. It is a great pleasure and honor to have met you and I look forward to reading anything you decide to post here. I think you are very heroic! Epictetus *All medical research is subject to limitations which affect the truth value of their conclusions. Some of these limitations are scope and range of study, size of study, duration of study, objectivity of study, confounding factors, contrary studies, new discoveries and other factors.

I collect things too, including coins. You must have an interesting collection. I am terribly sorry that you are not sleeping. That is really dreadful. Insomnia is one of the worst things one can be afflicted with.

Hi hkc9591, Since you can't see your psychiatrist for awhile, do you think it might be helpful to leave a message for him or her? I hope you find an answer.

Hi jfact8, It doesn't sound abnormal to me.