Epictetus

Hi Ace in the hole. I am sorry that you are suffering!!! Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful to you. I see you quite differently than you see yourself. Allow me to explain why. It has been almost 5 years since I joined these Forums. In that time I have learned something new. Many people here have told me how posts like the one you wrote today, posts from the heart, body, soul and bone have saved their lives. I had thought that it was people giving advice here who saved lives. But I learned that giving advice can often make someone feel worse than they already feel. What a surprising thing to learn especially since I tended to be an "advice giver." So many people have told me that poignant, from the gut posts like yours are the ones that save lives. And I know that my life is and has saved by people who have written posts like yours. So I see you as someone heroic. How else to describe someone who saves lives? And what greater thing can one accomplish in life than saving lives. Nothing even comes close to that. There is an old saying that goes like this: "Whoever saves a single life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world." You are such a person. People living day to day and night to night will read your post and will feel less alone and isolated. They will feel understood. This is not only healing, it is literally life saving, especially for those of us who are living right on the edge. And people will find these Forums in the near and distant future and discover your post and so you will go on saving lives. I don't know why, but sometimes it is the people who suffer the most who do the most good in the world. Someone once told me about the image of the sun. The sun is suffering. It is burning up. And yet it give up light that is the source of all life. You are like that, I think. I read a biography of a man named Oskar Schindler. He considered himself to be a total failure. He could not control his drinking. His family and personal life were a disaster. His career seemed like one failure after another. But he is not known for any of that. He is know as someone who saved lives. That washed away all the rest of his misfortunes. You may not realize it, but in posting here today, you have become someone like that, someone who is saving lives. And that is the greatest greatness in the whole world. So I can only look up to you in admiration. You may be having trouble with so many things in your life and yet in the midst of them all you shine with the brilliance of a thousand suns! You have helped me today with your vivid, sincere and gut wrenching post. I only wish I could help you as much as you have helped me. I wish you only good things. I am profoundly indebted to you!!! - epictetus

I'm sorry that you are not seeing noticeable improvement from the medication you are taking. Has anything at all improved in the last 5 weeks? I'm also sorry that your dentist was so rude to you. That's really awful! - epictetus

Friendships can be tough when one is suffering from depression. At least they has been for me. I hope you find some friends who really treasure you, HL05. You deserve that so much! You wrote: "I feel the pressure of 'when is he going to make something of his life' pressure growing and creeping on me." In my eyes, you have accomplished far more and of far greater importance than anyone in your circle of relationships. Your posts here on the Forums save and have saved lives. I don't know how many people have told me that posts like the ones you write have saved their lives. Saving a life is one of the, if not the greatest thing a human being can accomplish. It really dwarfs all other human accomplishments. I know that you posts have helped me to keep going so I am personally profoundly grateful to you. You are a truly great person and I hope you find people who can truly respect and love you!!! - epictetus

Hi, I am on multiple meds too. Citalopram, Trazadone and Clonazepam [as needed]. I don't have the medicine bottles with me so I can't tell you the dosage strength of those meds. Sorry. Hope you get many responses to your post, feellikeitwontend. - epictetus

Hi and welcome to the Forums, Hkatlyn. It is nice to meet you. I am so sorry that the people in your life have been and are mean and cruel to you. How utterly heartbreaking!!! That kind of thing can take a terrible toll on a person. People should treasure you as a person and feel lucky to know you! I hope these Forums will be of some use to you. I hope you will feel loved, respected and treasured here! You may not realize it, but your post helps me and so many others here feel less isolated and alone with our own personal forms of anguish and pain. And that can be the difference between life and death for those of us who are living day to day, night to night and moment to moment. I don't know how many people here on the Forums have told me that posts similar to yours have saved their lives. I know that my life has been saved by what I have read here on the Forums. So I want to express our great gratitude for your post today. It is so real, so poignant, so sincere and so vivid. Heart speaking to heart. I hope you will continue to post here on the Forums. I think it is good to vent pent up feelings. But I also think that your post will save lives and that is perhaps the greatest achievement any human being can accomplish. So I thank you so very much!!!! You are a person of greatness in my eyes!!!!! I only hope that we will be able to be as helpful to you as you have been to us. If there is anything we can do for you, just let us know. You deserve a life where you can experience peace of mind and the joy of living! - epictetus

Hi and welcome to the Forums, Feeling. Its nice to meet you. I'm so sorry that you are suffering. Depression, anxiety and insomnia are all brutal illnesses. I have personal experience with all of them. When I was on Lexapro, my dosage was increased from 10mg to 20mg and I felt much better as a result. Of course we are all different and what works for one of us may not work for someone else. You've been through a lot in your life. double fusion neck surgery sounds painful. I want to thank you for posting what you did here on the Forums. Your post helps me and others feel less isolated and alone with our own suffering and anguish and that is a healing gift, a life saving gift. So thank you so much. I hope you will continue posting here on the Forums because it will save lives. Sometimes we cannot find purpose in life but purpose finds us. I also hope that you will feel better and better. You deserve a life where you can experience peace [and a good night's sleep] as well as the joy of living!!! - epictetus

Hi and welcome to the Forums, Cochise. I am so sorry that you are suffering and wish I knew what to say to help you feel better. Although you may not realize it because of the pain you are experiencing, you have already risen from your fate by what you wrote here and posted. Many people here have told me that posts like yours have helped them to keep going; that posts like yours have saved their lives. When I first joined the Forums almost five years ago I thought that if any lives were saved here it was probably because of those who offered advice. But I found that many people felt their lives were saved by posts like yours that simply expressed deeply felt thoughts and emotions. So I see your post as life saving and saving a life is one of the greatest things a human being can do. Such a thing can justify an entire life and existence. Your post has helped me and others feel less alone with our own personal anguish and pain and we are eternally grateful to you for that. I only hope we can be as helpful to you as you have been to us. Please do not give up. You say that there is no way up from here, but what you have written is already a huge step up. There is an old saying that goes like this: "Whoever saves a single life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world." Some of the greatest achievements in the world were made by those who hit rock bottom in their lives. There is more to you than you think. - epictetus

I also want to welcome you, baco-bacon! I hope you will find this site as helpful to you as it has been to me! - epictetus

Makes perfect sense to me. Thank you for sharing that, BeyondWeary.. epictetus

Hi Entoo, Many years ago I was quarantined at home due a hospital acquired infection that I contracted. Something that helped me a lot was caring for the little creatures in the area around where I lived. I left food for the little ants outside each day and when I walked out to get the mail I walked carefully so as not to crush any little creatures walking on the ground. There were many little creatures that I could feed: squirrels, pigeons, sparrows, robins, ants and little insects. Doing this gave me a sense of meaning and purpose. And I enjoyed it too. I did research on how to care for small animals. I learned, for example, that little cotton balls soaked in water could be left near ant hills and that ants could use them to get drinks of water. I also learned about this from reading books by Dr. Albert Schweitzer on reverence for life. It helped me a lot when I was quarantined at home. Hope you find something that works for you, Entoo! - epictetus

Hi and welcome to the Forums, mikehayes. Its nice to meet you. I am sorry you are suffering this situation! What you write of is not foreign to me, but very vivid and visceral. People who haven 't had that experience cannot really understand how terrible it is. I wish I could give you some really good advice but I am the last person on earth to give advice about relationships. You certainly deserve to have a lifelong partner. I didn't have such a partner until my late 40s and it turned out not to be lifelong although it was long lasting relatively speaking. I hope others here can make up for the poverty of my response to you. My heart really goes out to you!!! Thank-you for posting what you did today. You may not realize it but it helps me and others feel less isolated and alone with our own feelings. Many of us here on the Forums are living day to day, night to night and moment to moment and so a post like yours is not just healing but literally life saving. I don't know how many people here have told me that posts like yours, written from the heart, have saved their lives. So we are all tremendously grateful for your post. Saving a life is one of the, if not the greatest thing any human being can accomplish in life. And you have just done that at age 27, so there are really no words to express how grateful we all are to you. There is an old saying that goes: "Whoever saves just one human life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world." The saying was used to express gratitude to a German businessman named Oskar Schindler, who suffffered from relationship difficulties and troubles throughout his life. I hope you find that special someone. You certainly deserve a life where you can experience peace of mind and the joy of living! Thanks again for your post! - epictetus

Hi Throgan. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have had an experience similar to the one you describe although it happened a long time ago. It was kind of distressing and scary, to be quite honest. Have you considering seeking a second medical opinion? Sometimes it can help to have another medical professional look at one's situation. I did this once when my PCP was stumped about my condition. Sorry I cannot be more helpful to you. I sure hope you find what is causing your condition and get relief from it!!! - epictetus

Hi and welcome to the Forums, jpb1018! I think it is just wonderful that you are so concerned about your friend. She is really lucky to have you. Can you tell if your friend has low self-esteem? That can be an important question when trying to find the best approach to helping someone with depression? - epictetus

i BeyondWeary, I wish I had some answers to the profound questions you pose but it is all really a mystery to me. Like you, I grew in a perfectionistic family that had its roots in religion, so your questions are not foreign to me. They are very real and vivid. Maybe I am wrong [I am often wrong!} but these days I think of perfectionist thinking as seeing only half the picture of reality. What I mean is, for any person or any thing it is always possible to think or say: "Well, could be better but it isn't better." Generally that thought produces certain fruits: disappointment, aggravation, anger, sadness, guilt, hopelessness. But there is another way of looking at things. For any person or thing one can always say or think: "Could be worse, but [he, she, it] isn't worse, thank goodness." Or put into a religious way: "I, you, he, she, they, it, could be worse, but is/are not worse, thank God!" This way of looking at things generally produces different feelings; feelings of peace, gratitude, of feeling blessed or lucky, joy. In a way, I don't even think that the second way of looking at things is just half the picture. For example, today an airplane crashed. That is a fact. But it is also a fact that there are other facts. For example, today tens of thousands of aircraft transported hundreds of thousands of people to their destinations in complete safety. Or . . . today a student went to school and committed a terrible act of violence against other students. That is a fact. But it is also a fact that there are other facts. Today a billion students went to school and did not commit such a terrible act of violence. Once during a severe episode of depression I was hospitalized. Terrible depression is terrible and there is no doubt about it. But even at such a time it could be said in truth and fairness that I could have been worse, but I wasn't worse, thank God. I could have had terrible depression and the Ebola virus, but I didn't, thank goodness. I could have had terrible depression and been on fire in a burning building. I could have had terrible depression and be living in a region of Equatorial Africa with no doctors, no clean water, no food and so on, but I wasn't, thank goodness. The other day I was talking to a girl who failed to get straight "A's" on her report card. She told me that she was bad and a total failure. I told her that things like bad and failure need to be kept in perspective. Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin were responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people. So I asked the girl: "Have you done anything that has caused the destruction of ten million people? And she said "no." And I asked her: "Have you done anything that has caused the destruction of a million people?" And she said "no." So I asked her: "Have you done anything that has resulted in the destruction of 100,000 people or 10,000 people or 1000 people?" And she said "no." So I asked her: "Realistically speaking how bad are you? Realistically speaking how does failing to get all A grades compare to causing the annihilation of tens of millions of men, women and children?" Maybe I'm wrong, but I think depression can cause a loss of perspective. I think almost any person could fairly say: I could be less lazy . . . I could be smarter . . . I could be more careful . . . I could be more successful . . . I could try harder . . . I could be more attractive or popular . . . I could be morally better . . . and so on. But there is the other side of the coin too. Almost any person can say: " I could be lazier but I am not lazier, thank goodness. . . I could be less careful or less intelligent, but I am not less, thank goodness." . . . I could try less hard and be less popular and less attractive, but I'm not, thank goodness . . . I could be a much worse person than I am, but I'm not, thank goodness." I have lots of little signs around my house and workplace that read: "Could be worse but isn't worse, thank God." This gives me a perspective to balance my habitual negativism so my life is not out of balance. It also gives me a feeling of peace and gratitude which makes me feel much happier. Of course, I have had and am on antidepressant medication treatment too. Just today I was driving with a friend to the store and we saw a man begging for money. And my friend said something about the person being dishonest and bad. And I remembered thinking: This person here could be a mass ******er or serial killer, but probably isn't. This person who be engaged in burglary right now or armed robbery, but isn't, thank God. None of what I have written above is advice. I don't really feel qualified to give advice. I am just sharing what has helped me and what helps me. I realize full well that what helps one person might not help another person or might make them feel worse, so I try to stick to sharing rather than advice-giving. I just got released from the hospital and I was in a lot of pain I kept trying to remember that things could have been worse, much worse, but they were not, thank goodness. It helped me to get through it without losing spirit. I wish I actually had answers to the questions you pose which are so profound and also so important, but sadly I do not. Things are so mysterious to me. Hopefully others here will be able to make up for my lack of wisdom and understanding and offer you something really good. I am so sorry for what happened to you and what is happening to you. Depression is such a brutal, brutal illness, isn't it? I wish you only good things . . . only the best!!! - epictetus

@Joe Fubar Hi Joe. I didn't get a chance to welcome you to the Forums because I was in the hospital. I am so sorry you are feeling badly. I don't know if you realize it or not, but posts like the one's you've written here on the Forums help me and many other people to keep going . . . to keep staying alive. And that is not only very healing but it is living saving. Having been on the Forums for more than 5 years I can't tell you how many people have told me that posts like yours have literally saved their lives. And I know this is true from my own personal experience too. Saving a life is not small accomplishment. Far, far from it. It is probably the most important and greatest accomplishment that a human being can do. There is an old saying: "Whoever saves a single life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world." Are you familiar with the life of Oskar Schindler? He was a German businessman. His life was filled with many misfortunes and personal falls. And yet at one period of his life, maybe the lowest period, he saved the lives of many people. And that is what he is known for. Saving a life can redeem a person's entire life. It can justify an entire life. You may not realize it, but you such a person. So many of us here on the Forums are living day to day and moment to moment. People have told me that posts like yours, written from the heart are more healing and life saving that posts that offer advice. Depression is awful and isolating. And posts like the ones you have written help us feel less alone and isolated. So I see you as a person of greatness; a person of high moral stature no matter what else is going on your life. I just wanted to tell you that. You are a person of great stature in my book and in the eyes of so many of us here on the Forums. I am eternally grateful for what you posted here. I only wish I could be as helpful to you as you have been to me and others. Maybe I am wrong, but I think that there is a hierarchy of values in the realm of accomplishments. There was a doctor who when he was elderly decided to do something special. He would look down when he walked so he would not inadvertently crush the little insects crawling on the ground. He valued the lives of those little creatures. If he saw a worm that was stuck on a sidewalk, he would put it back into the grass. If he saw a butterfly stuck upside own in a puddle, he would rescue it. Human greatness comes in many shapes and sizes. I want to thank you again for what you wrote. It is a great honor and privilege to know you. I know what the word Fubar means. You are almost infinitely distant from that! I wish you relief from your suffering. I wish you only good things, Joe!!! - epictetus