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Everything posted by Thanos

  1. I've taken both for about a decade now. And as a pharmacy tech believe me I'm taking the maximum available dosage for each. At least the maximum available in one pill/tablet. I've also tried to stop taking them for at least a weekend and like sober4life said I could't sleep for the whole weekend. I felt like shit that weekend and never missed another dose. I just don't want to become another addicted zombie.
  2. I'm very worried that I have become addicted to my psych meds. I'm on the strongest dose of each and even then I can't sleep well. I always get up after just 6 or 7 hours of sleep and I always crash right in the middle of my work shift. Thing is that I can't get to sleep without them. Am I crazy in thinking I'm addicted? Or is there something to this?
  3. I used to have a hobby that others liked. I met a lot of people at the local board game group that met a couple times every week. I almost had a deeper connection with a few of them. The COVID happened and it destroyed everything. Nobody has met in over 2 years. And there aren't any other groups around to meet up and play. Most other hobbies I have don't lend themselves well to meeting women. Either that or it's just too damn expensive. Or both. I lost everything that made me like life after COVID and even more after the car crash.
  4. Honestly I'd much rather have a friend who gets to know me in depth and doesn't like what they see. At least then there's the potential of seeing something in me worth exploring instead of being this NPC who just keeps getting ignored. I just don't know what else I can do. Like I said I got mangled in a car wreck and this city I live in is not nice to people without cars. I have little to no ability to "go out" and just meet people. I thought church would be a good start but it just makes things worse. I'd gladly take a relationship that's a little rocky (like I imagine all relationships are) as opposed to being alone all the time. Every day it's the same damn thing: work, home, eat, sleep, repeat. That's no way to live, at least for me. I tried online dating but every site wants extra money to send messages on top of paying just to have a profile. I just want what everyone I know has: someone who wants to know me. Right now nobody does. What can I do when everyone I try to get to become interested in me end up ignoring me? Am I just that boring? Are my expectations too high? I mean to want someone to be interested in some aspect of me, anything at all, I think is a pretty low bar but is that still too high? What am I missing here?
  5. I was looking forward to some sightseeing, maybe a trip to the Wisconsin Dells where they have a new rotating wheel water slide. And playing a few board games that I can't get anyone around here to play. Oh and that whole drowning thing, looking forward to that. And on the topic of church and social media, it's not so much the fact that they "shows their best face" as much as it is the mere fact that they're there with their family in the first place while I'm the only one there flying solo that hurts so much. I would give anything to have the issues that come with a relationship because that means that, while we might not see eye to eye on everything I'd have someone that finally cares about me. Someone who wants to know me on a deep spiritual level.
  6. I've decided that I have to visit. I'm also going to drown myself on my birthday. One because I want to show just how much my dad has hurt me but two because my life sucks. I'm going to be turning 37 in about a week. I have lost at the game of life. I don't have a car because I got run off the road. My scars have made me look hideous. I also can't go out anymore because I have no way back to the apartment that I am having a real hard time keeping up with the rent on. I have no will to eat. I have no will to go to work each day. I have never had a real girlfriend in all my 37 years. I'm addicted to porn because I have never experienced the real thing. Church is full of people who already have everything I wanted and constantly remind me of how much I suck because there are absolutely ZERO non-married people there and my mere presence shows how much of a black sheep I am in the congregation. Nobody cares about me. My family hardly ever talks to me. Haven't talked to my brother in over 12 years and my dad likes to insult me every time he calls. My time on this earth is ending and nobody cares. This is my last week alive and I couldn't care less, just like everyone else in my life.
  7. So I have a week of vacation coming up and my dad has invited me to visit him in the very north end of Wisconsin for both our birthdays. His is the day before mine. Problem is that he is notorious for being emotionally abusive. Case in point the last time I spoke to him he accused me of being off my meds because I was doing things that were "not adult-like". Such as not having a full-time job or trying to make my own "board" game. He is also known for being all for doing what he wants on his birthday, but when it comes to mine he tries to find any way to make it about him. He is the very cause of most of my depression and suicidal thoughts. In fact I have posted here on Reddit my desire to go just so that I can jump off into Lake Superior and drown on my birthday. He is that toxic. But at the same time it's my dad. I've rediscovered church and one of the Ten Commandments is to honor thy mother and thy father. I feel that by not going I'm breaking that very Commandment. But what happens when the honor is not reciprocated? In a recent conversation with him two concerning issues came up. First was his insistence that I take my meds in front of him. NO! Serious breach of privacy. Second is that he wants me to do some of his lawn work on about 2 acres. During a vacation. Hell no, that's not a vacation! Vacation is time away from work. I won't swap one type of work for another. I really don't know what to do. Please help!
  8. Ever since my last relationship ended and I got in a car wreck that totalled my car I've been wandering endlessly through the online dating scene, and the one thing that I've found consistently is that women will not date a guy, especially one my age, who doesn't have a car. Thing is that my crash was so bad that I have some PTSD and the thought of driving really scares me. Even being a passenger in the car of some of my friends freaks me out with the way they drive. So basically I feel like I have to give up on my dream of having my own family. Wife and kids and a home, all of that. Because I had to get in a crash that wasn't my fault. If I can't have that dream I don't see the point in continuing to live. I don't want a life where I'm as alone as I am right now. All I do is either work, play video games and sleep. Too mundane to stay alive for. What the hell do I do?
  9. Wanted to reply again just to say that for some reason I can't send PMs to you, because I really do need someone to talk to about everything that happened. I'm sad most of the time and spend most of my days sleeping in my bed because I don't have the motivation to do anything else. No word on when they want me back either. I feel so worthless.
  10. 1) I cannot take any paid sick leave, but I do have some workman's comp payments that should be coming since the accident happened while I was on the clock. I doubt it'll be much since I'm still in the retail field (pharmacy but still retail) but I'm trying to get as much as I can get. 2) I have insurance that should take care of most of my bills but again since I'm in retail I'm not sure how much I'll have to pay before the insurance kicks in. 3) I had both x-rays and CT scans taken at the ER and luckily (or not depending on the point of view) all I suffered were cuts and a crack in my cheekbone about the size of a quarter. Nothing that requires surgery unless I want to fix the physical scars but that will be all out of pocket since no insurance on earth is gonna pay for plastic surgery. 4) I've already gone through my pharmaceutical treatment. Took my allotment of Norco and Amox-Clav that lasted about a week. The psychological scars are much deeper though. This was my second car that got totaled in 3 years and this was so bad that even the thought of getting behind the wheel of a car again scares the shit out of me. I don't want to drive for fear that another person will run me off the road. Plus I have zero money for another car anyway. 5) To wrap this up, I also got a doctor's note that cleared me to return to work starting this week but my employer refuses to give me any hours, instead giving those hours to people that have less seniority than I do. I've been here for a bit over a year and yet I'm struggling to get any meaningful amount of hours at work while the people who are newer than I am are getting close to full time hours. That is why I wish I had died because these people obviously don't give a rat's ass about how I'm feeling or how much I need to work with the upcoming bills that I'm going to have to pay off. I don't matter, all I am to them is someone who was an errand boy and now that I don't have a car they have no more use for me. I'm being tossed aside like week-old leftovers.
  11. Last week I was involved in a nasty car accident where someone ran me off the road. I was afraid they were going to hit me so I slam on the brakes (not smart on a gravel road) and my car goes flying and ends up rolling over. My face is a complete mess, requiring about 8 stitches and 7 staples. Stayed in the ER for about 7 hours. And here's where things go sour quickly. Before the crash the only hours I had been getting at work were delivery hours. Zero actual pharmacy tech hours. So now with no car I can't do any deliveries so they're refusing to give me any hours. They're giving those hours to people who were hired way after I had come on as a pharmacy tech. I'm even listed as a pharmacy tech and not a delivery driver on the roster but they still refuse to give me hours. I'm feeling like I'm being railroaded for something that was entirely not my fault. It makes me wish I had died in that crash because I cannot bear the thought of staying home doing **** all with my time. Plus since I have seniority over these other techs I think I should be getting a bulk of the hours but they're just giving me the scraps that are left over. The fact that I came away with my life means nothing to these people. The fact that I now can't pay my rent or buy food means nothing to these people. The fact that I am now terrified about the thought of getting behind the wheel means nothing to these people. The first question I get asked when I went back to work for just 3 hours as a backup to help out? "So when are you getting another car?". Not "how are you feeling" not "I'm so relieved you're okay" or anything. "When are you getting another car?" No empathy at all. Again all of this makes me wish I had died in the wreck.
  12. I've "worked on" myself for the last 10 years. At some point I have to admit that I'm broken beyond repair and just give up.
  13. I tried that and look where it got me. I had my costume, I brought some fun holiday sodas, and I tried to talk to some of them but it was like they looked right past me. Invisible. I think the main reason is because we have nothing in common. I have my massive board game collection and conventions and cooking but none of them respond to it at all. Probably because they have a family and kids to look out for. If only I could have a family of my own maybe I could get them to notice me again. But that won't happen anytime soon.
  14. I had a chance to go up to Chicago to visit with family for Halloween. What a mistake. For the whole time I was there nobody wanted to chat with me. No how are yous or what's going on or anything. I was also the only one there alone. Everyone else had a family and kids and interesting things about their jobs or neighborhood to chat about and I got nothing. Completely ignored. If my own family won't recognize my existence what chance do I have with anyone else? Why should I keep living if nobody notices me or cares about my "life"?
  15. Easier said than done. I've been trying to find another place that would have me but nobody is answering. What the hell do I do when nobody wants me, especially now with so many openings here in the US?
  16. I know I just had another topic under the relationships forum but this one I thought could use its own thread because there's another thing that has me wanting to hurt myself. My job has been slowly cutting my hours lately so that I only work about 20 hours a week. I started at over 30 and keep getting told that I'm still a full-time worker but that's just bullshit. Plus this problem only started when I asked to have Thursday nights off so have some sort of social life. Since the summer started they have hired 2 people who are working the hours that I used to work. I'm also 36 and can't keep bouncing around from job to job because it makes me look completely irresponsible. But I also can't stay at this job when they give me table scraps for hours. I can't afford my rent on what they're paying me. Right now the only solution I can think of is self-deletion. No more disappointed bosses and no more worrying about going from job to job. I've never had a job where I get the respect I earn. Thought this would be different but nope.
  17. Trying to find any way to meet people in this post-pandemic world and I got nothing. I suck at the online dating thing and there's nobody doing the volunteer or social shit I try to do in order to meet people. I'm real close to just giving up and ending it all because the pain is too much to bear. What else can I do!?
  18. You make it sound so easy, like riding a bike. I have been putting myself out there. I've been on Tinder, on Plenty of Fish, tried the various events around town but like you said they don't care. Or worse yet they act like I don't exist. I'm getting very anxious that I won't have that family life that the rest of my family enjoys. It just makes me want to end things faster because I know it takes A LOT for me to find anybody. This last girl was the first one in almost half a decade. I'm not sure I can find anyone else, much less someone ASAP.
  19. Bump for reasons. Still crying myself to sleep and having nightmares
  20. I've done that before and all they do is stick you in psychiatric hold for a week. It never helps. Out of sight out of mind.
  21. Yeah that doesn't help at all. I still want to go out in a literal blaze of glory, by crashing my car in a way that's guaranteed to **** me. It's the only way to make sure the pain stops. If I can't make this work what chance do I have with anybody? I feel completely alone. I think I'm destined to finish out my life abandoned by everyone. Just like my nightmares, I'm gonna be alone and forgotten on my deathbed. Better to make that sooner than later just to spare myself the pain.
  22. It's been a long time since I posted here. Probably because I think I was in sort of a relationship with someone from Europe. We'd talk almost every day but just this past weekend she broke up with me via text. Couldn't even face me with a phone call. Ever since then I've been feeling both sad and pissed off. To the degree that . ........... Because if I can't have one nobody can. I also want to see how much damage it takes for my car to **** me in a crash. The only reason I don't do it is because if I fail I don't have a car and I need one for 80% of what I do at my job. I feel so hopeless because it feels like this was the best chance I had and I just completely blew it. I feel like there will never be a chance like this again. Who the hell wants to date someone who's almost 40 and still working at a grocery store? Another thing that I forgot to mention is that I'm now having nightmares where I'm in a nursing home or on my deathbed and nobody is around me. No friends, no family, nobody. Like I never existed in the first place.
  23. What has me completely scared (in addition to the short time frame I have to find some place) is the fact that I am due to take an online class this summer that's designed to get me into a much better job with much better prospects (Pharmacy Tech). That was the plan when I came back from Milwaukee: I would take the class and the test and get certified as a Pharmacy Tech and then apply for all of the Pharmacy Tech jobs I could find in the area and probably get a job that's full time and pays very well in short order. I would use that as a springboard to find my own place. But now I'm not able to afford a place at all, much less a place where I can take my class and improve myself. That's what hurts the most about the abuse I'm getting: my "disability" is used as a club to beat me into submission. I can't take care of myself because I'm autistic. I can't keep a full-time job because of my ASD. I can't do anything because I'm disabled. Then she goes and does this shit. Making her abuse come true. Not because of anything I did but because of the shit she's pulling. I don't even have that many friends in town, and even less that I can even think of asking to stay with. Especially during a supposed quarantine. How am I supposed to improve myself when all avenues to do so are getting blocked off?
  24. It's not getting any better. In fact it's gotten a whole lot worse. I have been given a week to leave my mom's house or she is going to throw all of my belongings into the trash. This includes around $5K worth of board games that I've collected over the years. I can't even get a showing for an apartment in a week much less moving into one. She's also taken to telling lies about me, such as her claiming that I threatened her with a belt that I don't even own. Or the aforementioned breaking of her own property and blaming me for having to do so. I'm going to end up homeless during a pandemic. Does that sound like someone acting like a parent to anyone here?
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