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Everything posted by Thanos

  1. Ever since my last relationship ended and I got in a car wreck that totalled my car I've been wandering endlessly through the online dating scene, and the one thing that I've found consistently is that women will not date a guy, especially one my age, who doesn't have a car. Thing is that my crash was so bad that I have some PTSD and the thought of driving really scares me. Even being a passenger in the car of some of my friends freaks me out with the way they drive. So basically I feel like I have to give up on my dream of having my own family. Wife and kids and a home, all of that. Because I had to get in a crash that wasn't my fault. If I can't have that dream I don't see the point in continuing to live. I don't want a life where I'm as alone as I am right now. All I do is either work, play video games and sleep. Too mundane to stay alive for. What the hell do I do?
  2. Wanted to reply again just to say that for some reason I can't send PMs to you, because I really do need someone to talk to about everything that happened. I'm sad most of the time and spend most of my days sleeping in my bed because I don't have the motivation to do anything else. No word on when they want me back either. I feel so worthless.
  3. 1) I cannot take any paid sick leave, but I do have some workman's comp payments that should be coming since the accident happened while I was on the clock. I doubt it'll be much since I'm still in the retail field (pharmacy but still retail) but I'm trying to get as much as I can get. 2) I have insurance that should take care of most of my bills but again since I'm in retail I'm not sure how much I'll have to pay before the insurance kicks in. 3) I had both x-rays and CT scans taken at the ER and luckily (or not depending on the point of view) all I suffered were cuts and a crack in my cheekbone about the size of a quarter. Nothing that requires surgery unless I want to fix the physical scars but that will be all out of pocket since no insurance on earth is gonna pay for plastic surgery. 4) I've already gone through my pharmaceutical treatment. Took my allotment of Norco and Amox-Clav that lasted about a week. The psychological scars are much deeper though. This was my second car that got totaled in 3 years and this was so bad that even the thought of getting behind the wheel of a car again scares the shit out of me. I don't want to drive for fear that another person will run me off the road. Plus I have zero money for another car anyway. 5) To wrap this up, I also got a doctor's note that cleared me to return to work starting this week but my employer refuses to give me any hours, instead giving those hours to people that have less seniority than I do. I've been here for a bit over a year and yet I'm struggling to get any meaningful amount of hours at work while the people who are newer than I am are getting close to full time hours. That is why I wish I had died because these people obviously don't give a rat's ass about how I'm feeling or how much I need to work with the upcoming bills that I'm going to have to pay off. I don't matter, all I am to them is someone who was an errand boy and now that I don't have a car they have no more use for me. I'm being tossed aside like week-old leftovers.
  4. Last week I was involved in a nasty car accident where someone ran me off the road. I was afraid they were going to hit me so I slam on the brakes (not smart on a gravel road) and my car goes flying and ends up rolling over. My face is a complete mess, requiring about 8 stitches and 7 staples. Stayed in the ER for about 7 hours. And here's where things go sour quickly. Before the crash the only hours I had been getting at work were delivery hours. Zero actual pharmacy tech hours. So now with no car I can't do any deliveries so they're refusing to give me any hours. They're giving those hours to people who were hired way after I had come on as a pharmacy tech. I'm even listed as a pharmacy tech and not a delivery driver on the roster but they still refuse to give me hours. I'm feeling like I'm being railroaded for something that was entirely not my fault. It makes me wish I had died in that crash because I cannot bear the thought of staying home doing **** all with my time. Plus since I have seniority over these other techs I think I should be getting a bulk of the hours but they're just giving me the scraps that are left over. The fact that I came away with my life means nothing to these people. The fact that I now can't pay my rent or buy food means nothing to these people. The fact that I am now terrified about the thought of getting behind the wheel means nothing to these people. The first question I get asked when I went back to work for just 3 hours as a backup to help out? "So when are you getting another car?". Not "how are you feeling" not "I'm so relieved you're okay" or anything. "When are you getting another car?" No empathy at all. Again all of this makes me wish I had died in the wreck.
  5. I've "worked on" myself for the last 10 years. At some point I have to admit that I'm broken beyond repair and just give up.
  6. I tried that and look where it got me. I had my costume, I brought some fun holiday sodas, and I tried to talk to some of them but it was like they looked right past me. Invisible. I think the main reason is because we have nothing in common. I have my massive board game collection and conventions and cooking but none of them respond to it at all. Probably because they have a family and kids to look out for. If only I could have a family of my own maybe I could get them to notice me again. But that won't happen anytime soon.
  7. I had a chance to go up to Chicago to visit with family for Halloween. What a mistake. For the whole time I was there nobody wanted to chat with me. No how are yous or what's going on or anything. I was also the only one there alone. Everyone else had a family and kids and interesting things about their jobs or neighborhood to chat about and I got nothing. Completely ignored. If my own family won't recognize my existence what chance do I have with anyone else? Why should I keep living if nobody notices me or cares about my "life"?
  8. Easier said than done. I've been trying to find another place that would have me but nobody is answering. What the hell do I do when nobody wants me, especially now with so many openings here in the US?
  9. I know I just had another topic under the relationships forum but this one I thought could use its own thread because there's another thing that has me wanting to hurt myself. My job has been slowly cutting my hours lately so that I only work about 20 hours a week. I started at over 30 and keep getting told that I'm still a full-time worker but that's just bullshit. Plus this problem only started when I asked to have Thursday nights off so have some sort of social life. Since the summer started they have hired 2 people who are working the hours that I used to work. I'm also 36 and can't keep bouncing around from job to job because it makes me look completely irresponsible. But I also can't stay at this job when they give me table scraps for hours. I can't afford my rent on what they're paying me. Right now the only solution I can think of is self-deletion. No more disappointed bosses and no more worrying about going from job to job. I've never had a job where I get the respect I earn. Thought this would be different but nope.
  10. Trying to find any way to meet people in this post-pandemic world and I got nothing. I suck at the online dating thing and there's nobody doing the volunteer or social shit I try to do in order to meet people. I'm real close to just giving up and ending it all because the pain is too much to bear. What else can I do!?
  11. You make it sound so easy, like riding a bike. I have been putting myself out there. I've been on Tinder, on Plenty of Fish, tried the various events around town but like you said they don't care. Or worse yet they act like I don't exist. I'm getting very anxious that I won't have that family life that the rest of my family enjoys. It just makes me want to end things faster because I know it takes A LOT for me to find anybody. This last girl was the first one in almost half a decade. I'm not sure I can find anyone else, much less someone ASAP.
  12. Bump for reasons. Still crying myself to sleep and having nightmares
  13. I've done that before and all they do is stick you in psychiatric hold for a week. It never helps. Out of sight out of mind.
  14. Yeah that doesn't help at all. I still want to go out in a literal blaze of glory, by crashing my car in a way that's guaranteed to **** me. It's the only way to make sure the pain stops. If I can't make this work what chance do I have with anybody? I feel completely alone. I think I'm destined to finish out my life abandoned by everyone. Just like my nightmares, I'm gonna be alone and forgotten on my deathbed. Better to make that sooner than later just to spare myself the pain.
  15. It's been a long time since I posted here. Probably because I think I was in sort of a relationship with someone from Europe. We'd talk almost every day but just this past weekend she broke up with me via text. Couldn't even face me with a phone call. Ever since then I've been feeling both sad and pissed off. To the degree that . ........... Because if I can't have one nobody can. I also want to see how much damage it takes for my car to **** me in a crash. The only reason I don't do it is because if I fail I don't have a car and I need one for 80% of what I do at my job. I feel so hopeless because it feels like this was the best chance I had and I just completely blew it. I feel like there will never be a chance like this again. Who the hell wants to date someone who's almost 40 and still working at a grocery store? Another thing that I forgot to mention is that I'm now having nightmares where I'm in a nursing home or on my deathbed and nobody is around me. No friends, no family, nobody. Like I never existed in the first place.
  16. What has me completely scared (in addition to the short time frame I have to find some place) is the fact that I am due to take an online class this summer that's designed to get me into a much better job with much better prospects (Pharmacy Tech). That was the plan when I came back from Milwaukee: I would take the class and the test and get certified as a Pharmacy Tech and then apply for all of the Pharmacy Tech jobs I could find in the area and probably get a job that's full time and pays very well in short order. I would use that as a springboard to find my own place. But now I'm not able to afford a place at all, much less a place where I can take my class and improve myself. That's what hurts the most about the abuse I'm getting: my "disability" is used as a club to beat me into submission. I can't take care of myself because I'm autistic. I can't keep a full-time job because of my ASD. I can't do anything because I'm disabled. Then she goes and does this shit. Making her abuse come true. Not because of anything I did but because of the shit she's pulling. I don't even have that many friends in town, and even less that I can even think of asking to stay with. Especially during a supposed quarantine. How am I supposed to improve myself when all avenues to do so are getting blocked off?
  17. It's not getting any better. In fact it's gotten a whole lot worse. I have been given a week to leave my mom's house or she is going to throw all of my belongings into the trash. This includes around $5K worth of board games that I've collected over the years. I can't even get a showing for an apartment in a week much less moving into one. She's also taken to telling lies about me, such as her claiming that I threatened her with a belt that I don't even own. Or the aforementioned breaking of her own property and blaming me for having to do so. I'm going to end up homeless during a pandemic. Does that sound like someone acting like a parent to anyone here?
  18. Ever since the Coronavirus hit I was screwed in every way imaginable. I lost my job because operating hours were cut. I was forced to move back to Illinois because I couldn't afford my apartment in Milwaukee. The only "good" thing that happened is that I found a job as a clerk at a grocery store. The thing is that my mom (where I'm staying) is making things up on the fly that make no sense, then threatens to kick me out if I don't follow the contradictory rules. For example, she has made applying for SSI mandatory for me to stay with her, which I do believe is against the law. In addition, after stating that she is letting me use the spare bedroom as my own area for the time being, she has violated that area by walking in whenever she wants to. This latest time I was trying to get some sleep (because grocery hours are all over the map) and she demanded access to my room after finding one...ONE...can of soda. I locked the door (again cause she said it was my area) and she threatened to call the police to break down the door and stick me with the bill. It doesn't end there. We have had rainstorms almost every night. I'm closing most shifts and the buses don't run very regularly. I called her to see if I could get a ride at about 9:15p last night because it was raining hard and she refused. I waited half an hour for a bus and spent another 15 walking home. And what was she doing when I got home? Watching pirated cooking shows. She has been contradicting herself since I came back. She tells me to save ALL of my money then she says that if it's raining hard that I should get an Uber. I'm ready to hurt myself because she doesn't care and if she doesn't why should I?
  19. I have to update this because I just found another reason why this whole life thing needs to end. So a friend back in Colorado has some friends that are doing a show that they think is funny. I think it's crap. I say so. In the middle of it all another friend (one that I went to college with and that I worked with repeatedly after college) issues me a challenge. He will put me up for the night, pay for my ticket, and get me a drink. If I fail to chuckle or laugh at any point, he also pays for my ticket home. Eager to prove my point and to see some old friends I accept. Yesterday I bought the plane tickets, costing over $300 that I barely have. After saying that I got my tickets and telling him so, he backs out, saying he fears for his safety. Again, he has known me for a long time. Over half a decade. I feel so betrayed. If this is how I get treated by people then I want no part of life. I want out.
  20. I've tried the younger, lower socioeconomic "lesser" thing before. It turned out the same way it always does: she's already taken by someone else. Either that or they string me along because they feel sorry for me and my panic attacks and/or Asperger's and they play like I have a chance. They never come out and say that they aren't interested or that they are taken. They let me make plans for a date and then they constantly postpone or they just don't show up. That, and everyone else that I know that fits that description is like 10+ years younger than me and there is a part of me that feels a bit creepy if I try and hit on someone who is just barely young enough to drink. The dating coach thing is an interesting idea; just hope there is one nearby, though I doubt it.
  21. Because I don't have the money. Right now I have $1300 to my name. I also have never worked a job for more than a year, and that job was as a damn cashier at a grocery store. It's like I need the support of a woman to feel better about myself and my future but I can't find a girlfriend unless I get a stable job. Catch-22. I still want to **** myself cause even without a partner I don't have anyone that I can consider close enough to provide those feelings.
  22. How so? I think it shows that I'm more focused on personality...or at least on that rare person who is willing to have anything at all to do with me. And I agree with Gtx1990. I don't see the point in trying anymore cause nobody is ever interested. Living in a town of like 60K where 75% are college age students doesn't help anything. And whenever I find the courage to speak up it turns out that she's already involved with someone else. I really want to **** myself to save myself from all this pain.
  23. I have tried aspie dating sites. All of them have me going out 100 miles for just one match. As for the "normal" way, I just might not come across as sweet and caring as your friend did. I'm more apt to not know what the hell I did wrong and either get combative or just slink away in defeat. I used to do a LOT of the former but in recent years I've flipped and most often done the latter.
  24. No point in quitting except being able to avoid constant heartbreak. I have not found one woman ever who enjoys my company. And I can only ask so many, and get only so many rejections, before I need to face facts and know that there is no hope for me finding anyone willing to enter into a relationship with such damaged goods. I see similar issues with my father. Many in my family suspect (though it hasn't been conclusively diagnosed as it has in me) that he also has Asperger's, but he has a lot of money so women flock to him, enough that he is now on his 3rd marriage. I don't have anywhere near the money he does so I get nowhere. I also don't even know where to begin looking. I feel I've exhausted all avenues available. I tried online dating, I tried Meetups that feature similar interests, I tried work...nothing has panned out. I'm running out of ideas for "strategies".
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