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Thanos

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  1. Easier said than done. I've been trying to find another place that would have me but nobody is answering. What the hell do I do when nobody wants me, especially now with so many openings here in the US?
  2. I know I just had another topic under the relationships forum but this one I thought could use its own thread because there's another thing that has me wanting to hurt myself. My job has been slowly cutting my hours lately so that I only work about 20 hours a week. I started at over 30 and keep getting told that I'm still a full-time worker but that's just bullshit. Plus this problem only started when I asked to have Thursday nights off so have some sort of social life. Since the summer started they have hired 2 people who are working the hours that I used to work. I'm also 36 and can't keep bouncing around from job to job because it makes me look completely irresponsible. But I also can't stay at this job when they give me table scraps for hours. I can't afford my rent on what they're paying me. Right now the only solution I can think of is self-deletion. No more disappointed bosses and no more worrying about going from job to job. I've never had a job where I get the respect I earn. Thought this would be different but nope.
  3. Trying to find any way to meet people in this post-pandemic world and I got nothing. I suck at the online dating thing and there's nobody doing the volunteer or social shit I try to do in order to meet people. I'm real close to just giving up and ending it all because the pain is too much to bear. What else can I do!?
  4. You make it sound so easy, like riding a bike. I have been putting myself out there. I've been on Tinder, on Plenty of Fish, tried the various events around town but like you said they don't care. Or worse yet they act like I don't exist. I'm getting very anxious that I won't have that family life that the rest of my family enjoys. It just makes me want to end things faster because I know it takes A LOT for me to find anybody. This last girl was the first one in almost half a decade. I'm not sure I can find anyone else, much less someone ASAP.
  5. Bump for reasons. Still crying myself to sleep and having nightmares
  6. I've done that before and all they do is stick you in psychiatric hold for a week. It never helps. Out of sight out of mind.
  7. Yeah that doesn't help at all. I still want to go out in a literal blaze of glory, by crashing my car in a way that's guaranteed to **** me. It's the only way to make sure the pain stops. If I can't make this work what chance do I have with anybody? I feel completely alone. I think I'm destined to finish out my life abandoned by everyone. Just like my nightmares, I'm gonna be alone and forgotten on my deathbed. Better to make that sooner than later just to spare myself the pain.
  8. It's been a long time since I posted here. Probably because I think I was in sort of a relationship with someone from Europe. We'd talk almost every day but just this past weekend she broke up with me via text. Couldn't even face me with a phone call. Ever since then I've been feeling both sad and pissed off. To the degree that . ........... Because if I can't have one nobody can. I also want to see how much damage it takes for my car to **** me in a crash. The only reason I don't do it is because if I fail I don't have a car and I need one for 80% of what I do at my job. I feel so hopeless because it feels like this was the best chance I had and I just completely blew it. I feel like there will never be a chance like this again. Who the hell wants to date someone who's almost 40 and still working at a grocery store? Another thing that I forgot to mention is that I'm now having nightmares where I'm in a nursing home or on my deathbed and nobody is around me. No friends, no family, nobody. Like I never existed in the first place.
  9. What has me completely scared (in addition to the short time frame I have to find some place) is the fact that I am due to take an online class this summer that's designed to get me into a much better job with much better prospects (Pharmacy Tech). That was the plan when I came back from Milwaukee: I would take the class and the test and get certified as a Pharmacy Tech and then apply for all of the Pharmacy Tech jobs I could find in the area and probably get a job that's full time and pays very well in short order. I would use that as a springboard to find my own place. But now I'm not able to afford a place at all, much less a place where I can take my class and improve myself. That's what hurts the most about the abuse I'm getting: my "disability" is used as a club to beat me into submission. I can't take care of myself because I'm autistic. I can't keep a full-time job because of my ASD. I can't do anything because I'm disabled. Then she goes and does this shit. Making her abuse come true. Not because of anything I did but because of the shit she's pulling. I don't even have that many friends in town, and even less that I can even think of asking to stay with. Especially during a supposed quarantine. How am I supposed to improve myself when all avenues to do so are getting blocked off?
  10. It's not getting any better. In fact it's gotten a whole lot worse. I have been given a week to leave my mom's house or she is going to throw all of my belongings into the trash. This includes around $5K worth of board games that I've collected over the years. I can't even get a showing for an apartment in a week much less moving into one. She's also taken to telling lies about me, such as her claiming that I threatened her with a belt that I don't even own. Or the aforementioned breaking of her own property and blaming me for having to do so. I'm going to end up homeless during a pandemic. Does that sound like someone acting like a parent to anyone here?
  11. Ever since the Coronavirus hit I was screwed in every way imaginable. I lost my job because operating hours were cut. I was forced to move back to Illinois because I couldn't afford my apartment in Milwaukee. The only "good" thing that happened is that I found a job as a clerk at a grocery store. The thing is that my mom (where I'm staying) is making things up on the fly that make no sense, then threatens to kick me out if I don't follow the contradictory rules. For example, she has made applying for SSI mandatory for me to stay with her, which I do believe is against the law. In addition, after stating that she is letting me use the spare bedroom as my own area for the time being, she has violated that area by walking in whenever she wants to. This latest time I was trying to get some sleep (because grocery hours are all over the map) and she demanded access to my room after finding one...ONE...can of soda. I locked the door (again cause she said it was my area) and she threatened to call the police to break down the door and stick me with the bill. It doesn't end there. We have had rainstorms almost every night. I'm closing most shifts and the buses don't run very regularly. I called her to see if I could get a ride at about 9:15p last night because it was raining hard and she refused. I waited half an hour for a bus and spent another 15 walking home. And what was she doing when I got home? Watching pirated cooking shows. She has been contradicting herself since I came back. She tells me to save ALL of my money then she says that if it's raining hard that I should get an Uber. I'm ready to hurt myself because she doesn't care and if she doesn't why should I?
  12. I have to update this because I just found another reason why this whole life thing needs to end. So a friend back in Colorado has some friends that are doing a show that they think is funny. I think it's crap. I say so. In the middle of it all another friend (one that I went to college with and that I worked with repeatedly after college) issues me a challenge. He will put me up for the night, pay for my ticket, and get me a drink. If I fail to chuckle or laugh at any point, he also pays for my ticket home. Eager to prove my point and to see some old friends I accept. Yesterday I bought the plane tickets, costing over $300 that I barely have. After saying that I got my tickets and telling him so, he backs out, saying he fears for his safety. Again, he has known me for a long time. Over half a decade. I feel so betrayed. If this is how I get treated by people then I want no part of life. I want out.
  13. I've tried the younger, lower socioeconomic "lesser" thing before. It turned out the same way it always does: she's already taken by someone else. Either that or they string me along because they feel sorry for me and my panic attacks and/or Asperger's and they play like I have a chance. They never come out and say that they aren't interested or that they are taken. They let me make plans for a date and then they constantly postpone or they just don't show up. That, and everyone else that I know that fits that description is like 10+ years younger than me and there is a part of me that feels a bit creepy if I try and hit on someone who is just barely young enough to drink. The dating coach thing is an interesting idea; just hope there is one nearby, though I doubt it.
  14. Because I don't have the money. Right now I have $1300 to my name. I also have never worked a job for more than a year, and that job was as a damn cashier at a grocery store. It's like I need the support of a woman to feel better about myself and my future but I can't find a girlfriend unless I get a stable job. Catch-22. I still want to **** myself cause even without a partner I don't have anyone that I can consider close enough to provide those feelings.
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