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  1. Bump for more insight please. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm regressing, with much more frequent violent thoughts and more difficulty controlling them. I barely made it through my work shift today.
  2. I completely agree that men are very much lacking in good role models and I really wish I had one to look up to, but I don't. My father was exactly the kind of man I wanted to work toward being the exact opposite of. He was much the traditionalist sort of husband that I want to be, but completely off the deep end of "traditional". He felt entitled to coming home to a wife with an already cooked meal and hardly paid any attention to my me, my mother, or my brother growing up. I am still told the story of the day that my brother was born. My father wasn't with my mom that day at all. Instead he took me out for dinner and ice cream. All my other friends are either committed bachelors or guys who are just interested in "getting some" (their words). I feel completely alone because I want to be somewhere between these two extremes that I've spent my entire life trapped in. I think I have to disagree with your advice that I just go out on a date and enjoy it with zero expectations. I think that, if there is one thing that isn't toxic that I've learned from those podcasts (and possibly the only thing) is that I need to set my standards and be fine with those standards, and to express those standards from the outset so that there isn't any confusion or misinterpretation on why we agreed to the date in the first place. Date with a purpose, which in my case is to find a wife that complements my life. Which I think should be said from the outset. I think that anyone who is interested in dating me, should I find them, deserves at least that much respect. I am about to turn 38 years old. I don't have any time left to date just to date. I should already be settled down with someone already, and here is where my concerns about my autism come in. I'm scared to death to start conversations with women because I absolutely cannot read body language, unless it's very blatant. I need to be told that a woman is in fact interested because I have never been able to tell when a woman is flirting or if she is just being friendly or if she wants me to leave her alone. Story time: just after I was finally confirmed to be diagnosed with autism, my dad was dating a school councilor (he was dating her for 6 years at this point), and she was helping me with what I thought was a whole new identity. She calls me crying a storm and I know something is up. She helped me so much that I saw her as my stepmom in all but name. That's the sort of blatant body language I can recognize but anything less I struggle with understanding. Plus since it took until I was 30 to find out I had autism, plus to get completely over the violent tendencies I had in my youth, I always feel like I'm 10 years behind in terms of dating. Like in your early 20s you might be dating just to figure out what exactly what you want from a relationship, and by the time you're in your mid to late 20s you know what you want and have a pool of women who know what they want as well. Then by the time you hit your late 30s or even 40 you've found that person for you and already have a family. I'm still feeling stuck in my late 20s in terms of dating. Almost every woman I meet that I get attracted to is already deep into dating someone else or already married. Sorry for the novel there but there was a lot to unpack. Hopefully it clarified some things about my mindset, struggles and feelings.
  3. Bad wording. I just don't know how to describe what's in my head. I said this because I've been trying to find help online, mostly on YouTube with these podcasts that have on as guests women that I was trying to describe, women that I've been meeting, ones that don't want that traditional role of a woman and would rather work without allowing me to provide for the family. It was also a mistake to say that I wanted a woman to spend as much as I do for a birthday. I would be happy if someone just acknowledged it. I need to know that I'm not invisible in a woman's life like I constantly feel in the relationship I find myself into. It really hurts that I phrased my intentions and thoughts so poorly. For that I must apologize. I never meant to offend or anger anyone. I'm just looking for help with how to improve myself so that I can have that traditional family unit. So if I'm this "nice guy" that's really the problem then what are those problems and how do I fix them? I know one of my problems is that I talk before I think (evidenced above clearly) but what are some other problems? I try to tailor my work schedule around potential dates. I open the door for women and I call when she's I'll just to check in and see how she's doing. I'll spend extravagantly on her birthday and even learned how to give massages so we don't have to go to a professional. I feel like I've done all the right things, it's just that my foot-in-mouth disease and general awkwardness prevent me from even starting a conversation because I'm afraid it will go the exact way this thread has gone. I don't want that. How do I fix that? Where do I start?
  4. I don't know if "uncomfortable" is the right word. I know that I can come across as very nervous and awkward because of my lack of experience plus my autism prevents me from reading someone else's emotions so I might see something that's just not there. That's pretty much what I meant by "uncomfortable". As for my abuse towards my mom, I was just answering the theory that Epictetus put forth that something from my childhood may be seeping through. That was during my teenage years. I'm almost 38 now. Plus it took a lot of hard work during my 20s to turn myself around which is where I think I missed the prime years of my dating life. So now my thoughts and acts of "violence" are more turned inward. During these times of complete loneliness and isolation I tend to have a habit of self-harm. Because I feel totally unloved and feel like nobody would bat an eye if I was dead. I also think a lot about faking my own death just to see who would come to my funeral, if anyone would come at all. I would argue against your statement about working women. I'm a lot more traditional when it comes to dating which means low body count, strong possibility to have kids, and a homemaker. I want to be able to provide for a family of my own, going to work and having a wife and kids to embrace when the day is done. The whole $250 I spent thing I did feel happy about, at first. Then when she started ignoring me and basically fell off the map instead of spending more time with me, that's when I started to think that maybe I overspent. That I got taken for a ride. It was fun in the moment, and I would gladly do it again, but the way I was treated afterward created a huge hole in my heart that will probably never heal. I know for sure that I will never spend that much money on anyone for anything unless she puts in the work as well. Unless she puts in an equal amount of money for my birthday I can't see myself spending anywhere close to that much for a woman's birthday. I really think that my issue is that I've become that "nice guy" that gets friend-zoned immediately while the woman goes out and bangs the bad boy, only to complain about how she's being treated and wonders where the good guys are. Being autistic only makes things worse because I can never be sure if a woman is really into me or if she's playing me like a fiddle. Experience has taught me that most women do the latter which admittedly has led to a lot of trust issues. I also have the unlucky habit of being attracted to women who are already taken in one way or another. Which does sick for my self-esteem and also leads to the aforementioned self-harm.
  5. That's exactly what happens when I get too far into my own head, I start crying and get anxiety attacks because I feel that nobody likes me enough to spend any time with me, so even at work I feel alone. Part of the autism is that I can say exactly the wrong thing at the worst time and never even know it, which makes people hate me even more. This is why I said I have a real hard time talking to anyone in real life. Because I worry about what I'm going to say that will insult anyone around me. Also, if relationships are in part the result of things that go way back to childhood then I'm really screwed. Because in my childhood I would beat the shit out of my mom whenever she tried to do anything to or with me. It was bad and it took me until my mid-20s to change my behavior around. Part of me is always scared that that part of me will resurface which makes it even harder to talk to women. Yet another thing I've noticed is that women never want me too close to them. Which just hurts right down to the soul. At least the single ones behave like this. Like every time I try to get close and make my intentions clear they feel like they need to clear out as fast as they can. I have no clue what I'm doing wrong to deserve such treatment. This last one is a clear example of what I'm talking about. I think she was/is using me as a sort of ATM and when I tried to get closer this happened. This mess when she only talks to me when she wants to share shit about her life and no longer cares about what goes on in my life. She used to come to my place at least once a week and we would cuddle or share a controller on my Switch and explore games like The Stanley Parable or Grim Fandango. Then her birthday comes around and I go all out. Get her a massage and we do an escape room, and I gift her with a necklace. Spent around $250 for the whole day. She even said it was the best birthday she ever had, but afterwards I think she knew that I wouldn't be able to top that so she just cut bait and ran. They all do this. I treat them like queens and they all freak out and leave. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so it doesn't happen the next time I meet someone, provided that actually happens of course. Finally I need to say that going online and trying to distract myself by watching YouTube videos just makes things worse. Every other ad break they show me ads for marriage companies or for engagement jewelery companies and it just feels like even YouTube hates me and thinks I should be married by now. That hurts so much.
  6. I met her online, but on an app that's designed to connect people within your own neighborhood and other adjacent neighborhoods. I've met all my (failed) partners online. It's a lot easier, because I have a real hard time connecting to people in real life. I don't really know what to say to make myself seem interesting or hell, even likeable. Plus, like I said I'm almost 38 so there are many people my age who are already married or in long-term relationships so my prospects are thin to begin with.
  7. I recently found what I thought was a charming woman near me on another app and we started dating, but now I think that she is already over me. She hardly texts anymore and when she does she never asks about me just tells me about herself and her adventures. I'm feeling ignored, yet I still want this to continue because in my head a toxic relationship is better than no relationship at all. Plus I have a REAL hard time even talking to anyone else. And those that I do talk to end up being... unavailable. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Most days I think I'd rather die than spend any more time alone. On my days off I sleep most of the day because I have nobody but me in my life and it hurts something fierce. Especially after being rejected out of hand right after her birthday was, and I quote, "one of the most amazing days of [her] life". It was a complete 180 and being autistic it caused me to melt into a crying mess AT WORK which then led to losing my full-time status which led to more crying. Everything in my life is going **** up and I can't stop it. What can I do different? I've felt like I've run out of options to meet anyone.
  8. I've taken both for about a decade now. And as a pharmacy tech believe me I'm taking the maximum available dosage for each. At least the maximum available in one pill/tablet. I've also tried to stop taking them for at least a weekend and like sober4life said I could't sleep for the whole weekend. I felt like shit that weekend and never missed another dose. I just don't want to become another addicted zombie.
  9. I'm very worried that I have become addicted to my psych meds. I'm on the strongest dose of each and even then I can't sleep well. I always get up after just 6 or 7 hours of sleep and I always crash right in the middle of my work shift. Thing is that I can't get to sleep without them. Am I crazy in thinking I'm addicted? Or is there something to this?
  10. I used to have a hobby that others liked. I met a lot of people at the local board game group that met a couple times every week. I almost had a deeper connection with a few of them. The COVID happened and it destroyed everything. Nobody has met in over 2 years. And there aren't any other groups around to meet up and play. Most other hobbies I have don't lend themselves well to meeting women. Either that or it's just too damn expensive. Or both. I lost everything that made me like life after COVID and even more after the car crash.
  11. Honestly I'd much rather have a friend who gets to know me in depth and doesn't like what they see. At least then there's the potential of seeing something in me worth exploring instead of being this NPC who just keeps getting ignored. I just don't know what else I can do. Like I said I got mangled in a car wreck and this city I live in is not nice to people without cars. I have little to no ability to "go out" and just meet people. I thought church would be a good start but it just makes things worse. I'd gladly take a relationship that's a little rocky (like I imagine all relationships are) as opposed to being alone all the time. Every day it's the same damn thing: work, home, eat, sleep, repeat. That's no way to live, at least for me. I tried online dating but every site wants extra money to send messages on top of paying just to have a profile. I just want what everyone I know has: someone who wants to know me. Right now nobody does. What can I do when everyone I try to get to become interested in me end up ignoring me? Am I just that boring? Are my expectations too high? I mean to want someone to be interested in some aspect of me, anything at all, I think is a pretty low bar but is that still too high? What am I missing here?
  12. I was looking forward to some sightseeing, maybe a trip to the Wisconsin Dells where they have a new rotating wheel water slide. And playing a few board games that I can't get anyone around here to play. Oh and that whole drowning thing, looking forward to that. And on the topic of church and social media, it's not so much the fact that they "shows their best face" as much as it is the mere fact that they're there with their family in the first place while I'm the only one there flying solo that hurts so much. I would give anything to have the issues that come with a relationship because that means that, while we might not see eye to eye on everything I'd have someone that finally cares about me. Someone who wants to know me on a deep spiritual level.
  13. I've decided that I have to visit. I'm also going to drown myself on my birthday. One because I want to show just how much my dad has hurt me but two because my life sucks. I'm going to be turning 37 in about a week. I have lost at the game of life. I don't have a car because I got run off the road. My scars have made me look hideous. I also can't go out anymore because I have no way back to the apartment that I am having a real hard time keeping up with the rent on. I have no will to eat. I have no will to go to work each day. I have never had a real girlfriend in all my 37 years. I'm addicted to porn because I have never experienced the real thing. Church is full of people who already have everything I wanted and constantly remind me of how much I suck because there are absolutely ZERO non-married people there and my mere presence shows how much of a black sheep I am in the congregation. Nobody cares about me. My family hardly ever talks to me. Haven't talked to my brother in over 12 years and my dad likes to insult me every time he calls. My time on this earth is ending and nobody cares. This is my last week alive and I couldn't care less, just like everyone else in my life.
  14. So I have a week of vacation coming up and my dad has invited me to visit him in the very north end of Wisconsin for both our birthdays. His is the day before mine. Problem is that he is notorious for being emotionally abusive. Case in point the last time I spoke to him he accused me of being off my meds because I was doing things that were "not adult-like". Such as not having a full-time job or trying to make my own "board" game. He is also known for being all for doing what he wants on his birthday, but when it comes to mine he tries to find any way to make it about him. He is the very cause of most of my depression and suicidal thoughts. In fact I have posted here on Reddit my desire to go just so that I can jump off into Lake Superior and drown on my birthday. He is that toxic. But at the same time it's my dad. I've rediscovered church and one of the Ten Commandments is to honor thy mother and thy father. I feel that by not going I'm breaking that very Commandment. But what happens when the honor is not reciprocated? In a recent conversation with him two concerning issues came up. First was his insistence that I take my meds in front of him. NO! Serious breach of privacy. Second is that he wants me to do some of his lawn work on about 2 acres. During a vacation. Hell no, that's not a vacation! Vacation is time away from work. I won't swap one type of work for another. I really don't know what to do. Please help!
  15. Ever since my last relationship ended and I got in a car wreck that totalled my car I've been wandering endlessly through the online dating scene, and the one thing that I've found consistently is that women will not date a guy, especially one my age, who doesn't have a car. Thing is that my crash was so bad that I have some PTSD and the thought of driving really scares me. Even being a passenger in the car of some of my friends freaks me out with the way they drive. So basically I feel like I have to give up on my dream of having my own family. Wife and kids and a home, all of that. Because I had to get in a crash that wasn't my fault. If I can't have that dream I don't see the point in continuing to live. I don't want a life where I'm as alone as I am right now. All I do is either work, play video games and sleep. Too mundane to stay alive for. What the hell do I do?
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