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beg1984

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Everything posted by beg1984

  1. what is parallel thinking yeah... it should make for an interesting conversation if nothing else... the interesting part is that all these things have not really got in the way of my day to day life, and no one knows how ever I think its a good thing that I do not think that any of this stuff is normal... that i realize it's all a problem and that it does not affect my day to day interactions with other people... a few examples: the thing with the phone system... while it is in the back of me mind... I know that its just an odd thought and not real, even though I do not believe this thought, I have it none the less the diaper thing, I don't do it n public, in fact its something I rarely do, but from time to time, if I am really very insecure, I might do this, once or twice a year, when I am home alone, again not something that is normal, but also not getting in the way of my normal interactions with other people the skin picking thing... I have learned that it is not a socially acceptable thing to do, so as a result I do it when no one is around, or I go to the restroom
  2. I stopped seeing the therapist quite a while back... been doing quite well for some time with no meds... but there are some things that bother me... While I am diagnosed with Bipolar, I think there might me more the matter with me... Please note some of this stuff is weird and might not be something you really want to read... just a warning this is why: I chew and eat nails (both toes) and fingers), because they have to be smooth and even, this usually causes me to end up biting into the skin on my fingers, they are very messed up... normally this causes me to bleed and lots of pain, as a result I have lost some feeling in my finger tips, not all, but some I pick, chew, bite and rip at scabs, I do this because I need my skin to be smooth, and eat them if I am bleeding I suck the blood I pop any and all acne, and if it's on my arms I will bite it if I can not get it with my fingers, then I eat the puss I like to use the bathroom in odd places I HAVE to pop any and all blisters, by biting them, drink the puss and eat the skin if I have any dead skin I have to rip it off and eat it I pick my nose and eat it (leads to many nose bleeds) for some reason, I get caught up in almost any conspiracy that I hear or read about I think that the telephone system might be evil or something, not sure how to explain it, but I get the idea that something is inside of it... even though I know that this is not the case, it's just some weird thought that has been in the back of my head for a long long time when I fall asleep I can look and the clock (let say it is 9:30pm) and I can have a full dream (I can read, smell, hear, taste, touch, etc) and then wake back up after what seems like a few hours and realize I have been asleep only a few minutes (says 9:45pm) I have terrifying nightmares I believe that my dreams are prophetic sometimes very graphic and violent ideas and situations play out in my mind... I never act on these, but they are there, they have haunted me for many many years I also feel that many people are plotting against me at anytime when I am feeling very insecure I will sometimes put on a diaper and use it, I find it comforting (I think this might be the weirdest of them all) I have not mentioned these things to a therapist because I fear what might happen if I do what actions can I expect the therapist to take if I drop all this info on her all at one time?
  3. My wife is very depressed(even the doctor agrees), we have had a really rough first year of marriage... most of the time she gets very angry if we dont do everything right away the way she wants it... further more she plays these online video games all the time, she says she likes to be with the people, she even gets mad at me and usually yells things like, "What the F*** do you want?!!!" if I interupt here hours and hours of online video gaming... she lets other things in her life go so she can play this game, often even not paying attention to our 11 month old son... however if I sit down to do something she gets mad if I do not stop what I am doing right away to do whatever she wants to do. so what should I do? I have considered turning off the internet but I can only see that making her mad, I have even considered selling our computers, but that does not seem like the answer either. I have talked with her about how it makes me feel to take second place in her life to a video game, she just sarcastically says, "Ok, whatever you say" I really think that this is my fault, I am not the best person in the world but i do try, I just dont know what I can do I really just do not know what to do
  4. I have not posted in a really long time, I have been doing well. I am still worried about everything though and I cant seem to get myself to get a job, just not comfortable started counseling, but missed my appointment, now I owe them $30 and cant afford to go back...
  5. my wife wants to say good bye to the guy she had been talking to... in person... I dont know how I feel about this... I am uncomfortable to say the least
  6. well our son is at home... we have appointments scheduled for counseling... my house is clean... my wife is being much more honest about things, its refreshing I guess
  7. well CPS is ordering my wife and I to go to counseling, both individually and together as well... my wife is to seek treatment for depression they would also like me to seek treatment for my bipolar... but I have been off the meds and have been managing very well for over a year now... I feel that the meds have served their purpose, they allowed me to get a clear head and use that time to learn about my triggers and ways to cope... in short I dint think I need meds...
  8. so I just found out that the Child protective services woman wants to see my son, he is with my mother in law right now... my mother in law is meeting with the CPS lady in the morning at 10am... I have a bad feeling about this... why did the CPS lady not inform me of this? I know she says she only want s to make sure my son is ok but in the back of my mind I keep thinking she is going to try to take him from me
  9. when it rains it pours... last night my car broke down... thank God we have 2 cars... the weird thing is usually I would be freaking out right now... but I am calm, cool and collected. I have just come to the conclusion that their is very little I can do about this and that I am just along for the ride...
  10. my son is safe, I am stable... and my wife should be getting out of jail tonight... she wants to work on this, she wants to go to counseling... just hearing her say that with out it sounding like she is just saying what I wanted to hear was such a breath of fresh air...
  11. I guess all I can do is pray at this point... my house took about 3 hours to clean with 2 friends helping me its weird how you can still smell your spouse next to you when you are in bed... at least I started eating properly again today
  12. my wife is also still in jail, they dont have visitation over the weekend, I cant afford to get her out... the bail bondsmen says we live too far away... so i have to come up with $1000 cash to get her out
  13. well I just found out that Child protection services is coming to my house to do a Home Study at 10am in the morning,,, my house is a mess... I have to get it fixed by then... the lady told me they could not take my son since he is over state lines, but they can tell me that he can not come home until then
  14. it was so hard to drive off with my son, it was so hard to see them cuff her,,, it was so hard everything sucks so bad right now my son is staying over at my mother in laws house... it seemed like the best thing since this is not something my sone should have to deal(he is only 8 months old) last night I felts so alone, I slept with some of my wife's and sons clothing... I just miss everyone
  15. it took a turn for the worse my wife is in jail... she kicked to Police officers I got scared and took the baby, I miss her... I am hoping the the courts will order her to get help for the depression...
  16. I dont know... I really dont know... its so hard I want someone to blame... I just want to rip that guys face off... who the heck does he think he is talking to my wife... she is so vulnerable right now... I dont know... she doesnt see the doctor anymore... I lost my job... . then she lost hers shortly after that... and with that we lost our insurance...
  17. I might also mention that I am diagnosed Bipolar and my wife has a family history of Schizophenia... she has also told me that she wants a divorce so that the can start dating her ex boyfriend from over 3 years ago... I honestly think that she does blame me for our unborn baby dying... but its no ones fault... she also blames me for the for the scar she has from the C section... nothing she says seems rational
  18. my wife is very depressed... I have tried to talk with her but she doesnt care to listen... she has always seemed down but she seems 100 times worse shortly after we had our first child(that was 8 months ago) we did end up getting pregnant again just a few months ago... she started spotting(bleeding) on Valentines day... I researched it and decided that the baby was fine... we went to the doctor and he agreed... I assured her that the baby was fine... however our baby died, our baby was only a month or so into the pregnancy my wife took it pretty hard and she did not want to class or anything... she just wanted to lay there and cry all day long... she later told me in tears that she wises I had not got her hopes up about the baby... since she and I seem to be getting worse... I minute she loves me, the next she hates me, then she wants to give our 8 month old child up for adoption, then she wants to take him to get pictures taken, then she wants a divorce, then she wants us to get a new house together cause are current house is not big enough for as many kids as we want... she has been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but I know that Bipolar is commonly misdiagnosed as ADHD in kids... she wont work, she wont clean the house... she exspects me to do all of this... she can become violent if she doesnt get her way or shut me out entirely... she spends way too much time sleeping I have asked her to get help, she refuses, says nothing is the matter with her... and for a few days she seems better, way better I have even offered to go to couples counseling with her... she doesnt want to do that... as her husband, is there anyway that I can get her into a program... I am worried about where this might lead
  19. beg1984

    I Am Not!!

    you bring up a good point
  20. that might be something to think about... I would have to get back into school and get the proper education for that... I am not afraid of loosing anything really... its already long gone... I have not sang for close to 10 years... its a very sad feeling to know that its all gone... the other issue is that I am not really elligible for any scholarships basically because for the last 2 years of high school I simply wasnt functioning... the Bipolar had taken its hold and I couldnt do anything about it... my grades dropped I almost didnt graduate... I was either sleeping thru class when I was depressed or skipping class when I was manic... also I thought I might mention I have not been taking meds for well over a year... mainly because I cant do clinical research if I am on other meds...
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