rhyl

I have complex PTSD. Your symptoms won't get better if you refuse to deal with them. We *don't* deserve the suffering, but we have a choice in whether we attempt to deal with what creates it or not. I joined a ptsd forum, and it was the best thing I could have done. I also have a therapist that specializes in trauma. You really have to decide if you want to continue to suffer (so just ignore it and refuse to think about it all) or if you want to get/feel better. That latter will require some - a lot of - work on your part.

Have you talked to a therapist about this, describing what you are experiencing? I have DID, and this has been a common feeling/thought for me. That sense that I'm faking it, but I honestly can't control it. I got over that feeling after getting a firm diagnosis and getting to know those inside (my "parts"). It doesn't sound like you know them well enough to know that. How are you defining "multiple personalities" if not as different identities? If you actually have DID, they very likely have knowledge of a lot more than you realize. It's really important that you explore this with someone who is a professional and can help you understand what's going on. Could be DID or not. At any rate, I'm sorry you're struggling with it. I know how hard it is!

Wow.

It also makes it quite confusing for the folks who don't see this post. It's devastating news, but it won't be apparent if the user name continues to be used.

I want to die.

Oh wow. I totally get that. Being old sucks in so many ways.

I haven't been here much, specifically because of this. I struggle with the idea that someone like Dave can come here and essentially plan his death (with, at times, encouragement from others) then **** himself (as far as we know) and there is no...anything for those still here. DF is a great place to come if you need to unload about the things you can't say anywhere else. People here *get it.* There is a comfort in that, for sure. Thing is, though, if there aren't consequences for some of the behaviors exhibited here, then it becomes no more than a dumping ground for the darkness. Lines get blurred and a place that is supposed to offer comfort and support ends up doing otherwise. I'm grateful there are places to go where members not only support, but never enable. Sorry. DF has done good things for some people. It just scares me that the damage this does goes virtually (and publicly) unnoticed.

Yeah, I seriously worry about ending up on the street. I'd k ill myself before that happened, though.

You know what, JD? I can totally relate to all of this. I had to look to make sure I hadn't written it, it sounds so familiar. LOL I live paycheck-to-paycheck and work in a crap job. Oh, I make relatively decent money (although it is nowhere near what I should make, given my degrees) that allows me to live in a nice condo and get, finally, a new car (that was more of a necessity than anything else). Not entirely sure how I'm going to eat, but I digress. I've struggled (and continue to struggle) with those questions: "do I quit" or "do I stick with it and be miserable." I'm 58 and I just don't see myself getting work that will pay what I make or being able to manage the stress of a new job. I am enduring unbearable stress right now, but it's "familiar." (my job sounds exactly like yours in terms of office politics) And I think I would rather deal with the security of being able to put a roof over my head than the worry about being out of work. Oh, and I think my 2 cats agree. It's a hard situation to be in. I hope you can make peace with managing the best you can at work if you stay or figuring out how you will handle finances if you don't.

Thank you for posting this. I think it's heartbreaking to see someone plan - in real time - their death. Even more so to hear they succeeded.

I tried messaging you, but got a message back that you are unable to receive messages. Let me know if this is a setting or something you can fix.

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD a year or so ago. I have multiple traumas and am retraumatized over and over again. There are some great forums that deal with it and also have sections for depression and anxiety, etc... If you're interested, pm me and I'll give you the info!

Oh, I totally get the part about missing out on stuff. I also have felt like a failure of sorts. My mom has said more than once that she was disappointed she didn't have grandchildren. Of course, my brother fixed that and had two beautiful kids. Kinda got me off the hook. LOL

Well, I doubt it's because you're a coward, but I understand what you mean. Actually, if you're still here, I suspect it's because you are very brave. I'm glad you're here!