rhyl

Wow.

It also makes it quite confusing for the folks who don't see this post. It's devastating news, but it won't be apparent if the user name continues to be used.

I want to die.

Oh wow. I totally get that. Being old sucks in so many ways.

I haven't been here much, specifically because of this. I struggle with the idea that someone like Dave can come here and essentially plan his death (with, at times, encouragement from others) then **** himself (as far as we know) and there is no...anything for those still here. DF is a great place to come if you need to unload about the things you can't say anywhere else. People here *get it.* There is a comfort in that, for sure. Thing is, though, if there aren't consequences for some of the behaviors exhibited here, then it becomes no more than a dumping ground for the darkness. Lines get blurred and a place that is supposed to offer comfort and support ends up doing otherwise. I'm grateful there are places to go where members not only support, but never enable. Sorry. DF has done good things for some people. It just scares me that the damage this does goes virtually (and publicly) unnoticed.

Yeah, I seriously worry about ending up on the street. I'd k ill myself before that happened, though.

You know what, JD? I can totally relate to all of this. I had to look to make sure I hadn't written it, it sounds so familiar. LOL I live paycheck-to-paycheck and work in a crap job. Oh, I make relatively decent money (although it is nowhere near what I should make, given my degrees) that allows me to live in a nice condo and get, finally, a new car (that was more of a necessity than anything else). Not entirely sure how I'm going to eat, but I digress. I've struggled (and continue to struggle) with those questions: "do I quit" or "do I stick with it and be miserable." I'm 58 and I just don't see myself getting work that will pay what I make or being able to manage the stress of a new job. I am enduring unbearable stress right now, but it's "familiar." (my job sounds exactly like yours in terms of office politics) And I think I would rather deal with the security of being able to put a roof over my head than the worry about being out of work. Oh, and I think my 2 cats agree. It's a hard situation to be in. I hope you can make peace with managing the best you can at work if you stay or figuring out how you will handle finances if you don't.

Thank you for posting this. I think it's heartbreaking to see someone plan - in real time - their death. Even more so to hear they succeeded.

I tried messaging you, but got a message back that you are unable to receive messages. Let me know if this is a setting or something you can fix.

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD a year or so ago. I have multiple traumas and am retraumatized over and over again. There are some great forums that deal with it and also have sections for depression and anxiety, etc... If you're interested, pm me and I'll give you the info!

Oh, I totally get the part about missing out on stuff. I also have felt like a failure of sorts. My mom has said more than once that she was disappointed she didn't have grandchildren. Of course, my brother fixed that and had two beautiful kids. Kinda got me off the hook. LOL

Well, I doubt it's because you're a coward, but I understand what you mean. Actually, if you're still here, I suspect it's because you are very brave. I'm glad you're here!

I don't have Asperger's, and I didn't have a sexual partner for a lot longer than you. It's nobody's business. I did, for a long while, allow that to define me, which created a lot of my own suffering. It only matters if it matters to you. So...how do people "find out?" People can and will make assumptions, but the only way they can know is if you tell them. You can present yourself in such a way to others that nobody would have any idea, even if you are very inexperienced.

Hi Mark, I have been reading this thread since its inception and I wanted to ask you how you are, esp. given there are only a couple of days left in the year. For what it's worth, you come across to me as a really amazing individual with a lot of depth, with a lot of talents. I get, though, how everything can seem hopeless and how death might seem to be an answer to your suffering. I absolutely understand that way of thinking - I've been there and continue to be, off-and-on. I think it's our nature to try to lift another up when things seem bleak but truthfully, it is up to us to find a way to make it through - or not. I believe that we are all energy and that the point of death is critical because, when we die, our energy returns to the universe. The thing that keeps me from k illing myself is that concern that I will be adding more negative energy to the pot. Of course, sometimes I just don't care. Anyway, all that to say I am thinking and wondering about you...