rhyl

Thanks. I'm up and down. Still see no point to any of this. I'm mostly dealing with intense dread and anxiety right now. Absolutely no idea where it's coming from. It's very, very deep.

I think I quit therapy. Have never been this depressed before.

All I wish for right now is to feel less depressed and not so hopeless.

It is treatable to an extent. Not curable. Not sure how long she has, but I am treating with chemo.

Found out today that one of my cats has lymphoma.

It's been awhile since I was last here. Doesn't matter why I went away or why I likely won't stay long, but I came back because I am *really* struggling and I've nowhere else to go. I'm in therapy (that's a story in and of itself) and I participate in a ptsd forum, but feel unwelcome in both right now. I love my therapist, but right now he is just not being very helpful. I could quit, but I will NOT start over again with someone new. I'm not on meds because I've been on everything I can afford and nothing helps. Lots of expectation in the ptsd forum, none of which I can manage at the moment, so here I am. I don't even know what to say, except that I'm feeling so old (I am old, but I have never felt it) and so useless and so regretful. I think about death all the time; mine, my mom's, my cats', everyone's. The unending depression is bad enough, but that (irrational, I guess) belief that whatever I think might come true is making me a strong enemy of my thoughts. Nothing helps. Ever.

Only thing I'm on is Mirapex for the restless leg. I've considered CBD oil; I'm pretty sure my doctor would have a problem with that, though. My experience with being out is the opposite. The more I do outside the home (or, for that matter, inside), the more pain I'm in.

I am in a LOT of pain most of the time. It's been attributed to my weight, my depression, and the PTSD. I started having issues with restless leg a month or so ago, and my doctor put me on medicine for it; he also said at that point that I might have fibromyalgia. I have no doubt about the fibro. What I don't understand is that my doctor wants me to exercise and to just "push through the pain." I am reading differently for people with fibro - in fact, I'm reading that only certain, no impact exercises should be attempted and when the pain gets bad, rest is important. The pain definitely makes the depression worse. And makes it hard to sleep. I can get absolutely no relief. Anybody else?

Hey, I think that is awesome! Cats are my favorite company.

So how *do* you respond to feeling bad, duck? Some people just sit, watch TV, sleep. I have long periods where I can't do anything.

Sitting outside in nature. Reading books online. Mindful breathing. Taking a shower/bath. Taking a walk. Just a few. I would say there are more that are "free" than not.

I thought it might be helpful to take a look at ways people are taking care of themselves through all of the depression and anxiety and PTSD symptoms. Taking care of ourselves is hard. Even if I don't believe anything will help, *doing* something at the very least pulls me out of my suffering just a little. Temporarily, yes. But then...everything in this life is temporary. So what do I do? I have a couple of lists, one of which I carry with me. When things are super bad and I am bordering on non-functioning, I pull out the list and: 1. Play with, hug, talk to my cats. 2. Color (really, it's very therapeutic). 3. Listen to music. 4. Breathe. Sometimes the mere act of taking a mindful breath helps. I have a few apps on my phone that I use, a meditation done by my therapist, and several books I sometimes reference. 5. Write. Sometimes I can't put a string of words together, so I make lists or just starting putting words on the paper. It's amazing what often comes of that. 6. Go see a movie. 7. Take a shower (I do this a lot. So glad I don't have to pay the water bill.) 8. Clean out drawers or a closet. So...those are some of my things. What are yours?

Are you on any medication? I had a problem with thinning hair and I lost a lot and it ended up being my medication. My doctor at the time denied it could be the medicine, but there were thousands of anecdotes on line of people with the same issue and once I stopped the meds, I stopped losing my hair.

Ok, so I've been to a LOT of therapists. There are many different kinds and a great variety of personalities, so sometimes the first one is not a fit. That said, I had a similar reaction to my first therapist, who just kept asking me over and over again why I was there and why I thought I was depressed. He actually did ask me other things and suggest other things, but all I heard was that he was clueless and wouldn't be able to help. I was with him for 4 years. It was *really* hard, but I learned so much from him. You didn't say how many times you'd been to see yours - sometimes we have to give them a chance and develop some rapport with them. I certainly have left after just one session, but that was usually because they did something cruel or just inexcusable.

I wanna die.