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About rhyl

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  1. I'm 56 but I can relate to this. I've thought about getting older all my life. Now that I am, I realize that I've had an intense fear of dying and death and this sense that I wasted my entire life. I wish I had known sooner what I know now. As I've gotten older, I have learned to let go of the really unimportant things - and that almost everything is unimportant. This life and every part of it is temporary, so learning to live i the moment has really helped me.
  2. I've had a lot of experience with therapists (and every other kind of doctor) AND I live in the Midwest (well, according to some). I don't think this is a regional problem; I think it's a personal and, maybe, a training issue. Depending on the kind of therapy she does, she may think this kind of behavior - in small doses - is therapeutic. If you see this in her again, I would absolutely look for a new therapist. Yes, everyone can have a bad day. But if it's a repeated problem, she is not putting you first and she should. Also, I've noticed that this sort of behavior in therapists tends not to change over time. Best to you.
  3. I Hate Sleep Apnea

    I have sleep apnea, too. If the mask and head gear you have are not staying on properly or comfortably, it might benefit you to talk to your sleep specialist and see if they can fit you with another one. It should fit and stay on without applying anything extra. I wear my mask every night and I'm grateful for it.
  4. So d*mn done

    I just want to scream. First of all, my stupid therapist doesn't hear me at all, isn't hearing my insiders, and seems to be in the clouds most of the time. I really like him and I will NOT try to find someone new (I don't have enough trust to look for, much less tell someone new about everything all over again) and even though he has really helped me - more than any other person/therapist I know - I'm very frustrated with the way he doesn't seem to take anything seriously. I know that he does, but he doesn't even bother to act like it. And then, when I really need him to come through for me, he doesn't. I've told him time and time again what I need from him and he just keeps saying I need to tell him. Couldn't get any clearer than I have been. Then I went to the ER about a month ago because I was having chest pain - I've had it before, but was also having arm and jaw pain so I was freaked out. Everything was completely fine. Only now I have a bill for around $1500.00 that I can't pay (I have .32 to get me through next week and that's pretty much how it always is) and my doctor wants me to have a stress test so she can "cover" herself. I'm afraid not to have the stress test, not only in the off-chance something is wrong, but also because she basically bullied me the whole office visit when I said I didn't want to do it and I'm afraid she will never stop. I just can't deal with any sort of health "professional" anymore. I don't trust any of them and they only create more anxiety and fear in me. But now that I'm off the Topamax and feeling less depressed, I've been better able to work in therapy and I'm overwhelmed to the point of overflow. I don't know what to do, but I definitely need more support than I'm getting.
  5. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    This sounds exactly like my job. And my reaction to my job . Just smile, say yes, be positive, and try to let go of all the crap. One thing I've learned is that with depression and PTSD (the latter is just chickening me at the moment), our perception is skewed. Took me a long time to understand that what I thought was being said/happening was just what I told myself about the situation. Not sure if that applies here (and you likely would say not, I think, but I spent a lot of wasted time doing the same), but it's something to consider.
  6. The haunting choice to hope and be grateful

    Actually no. Pessimism, for example,(but all feelings, generally) is a reaction to how you *think* about circumstances and situations. You *can* change the way you think about anything that happens to you - it requires regular practice and commitment, though, and a willingness to change and not be a victim to those thoughts. And I know what the standard answer has been to this: that I (and others who know this) don't "get" it. But I'm 56 and have been depressed since I was very young. I experienced a variety of trauma when I was young and have DID. Over the years, I have experienced a great number of microtraumas. It wasn't until I came to understand that I was creating my own suffering that I started to look at things differently and started to get along better in the world. Am I happy all the time? Of course not. I have seriously bad days. Or more correctly, parts of days. Because I've also learned to notice and appreciate that everything is temporary, from moment-to-moment. Today, I'm feeling immensely angry and have been thinking about dying a lot. But that's the thing. I used to think I was angry and suicidal because things were being done to me all the time. It wasn't fair. I was done. But the times I am able to stop attaching negative thoughts to the things that happen, I feel a lot better and able to manage/get through.
  7. Where Do You Get Your Hope From?

    i don't have any hope right now.
  8. Can't find the will

    So sorry, friend. *hugs*
  9. What we're all here to learn

    Agree to disagree. Vehemently.
  10. Can this really be all there is?

    I'm so sorry you are struggling with all these symptoms which seem to come out of nowhere and for which no one can find a reason. I have a long history of mysterious illnesses that most of my doctors chalked up to depression and PTSD, but I'm discovering - all on my own - that there is a physical reason for all of them. I believe there is a strong body-mind connection. When the body is in pain, it affects how we feel immensely. And if you're not getting support from your doctors, that makes it all the worse. If you're coughing up green phlegm, you likely have some kind of an infection. That's not normal in any sense of the word. What sorts of testing has your doctor done?
  11. Can this really be all there is?

    I feel like this a lot. But in truth, things are changing constantly. It's being able to recognize the changes that has helped me see that, although I feel like most of the time, it's not a constant. There are small spaces of time when I don't feel bad. I may feel neutral or not at all, but the has gone away for that time. I am also learning to redefine "normal." That is a very interesting process.
  12. What we're all here to learn

    I think it's dangerous to say that only positive emotions make life worth living. Many, many folks suffer from debilitating mental and physical illnesses that make having positive emotions very hard. If their (our) lives are not worth living, then why bother to continue the struggle? For me, the journey through life, with ALL of the emotions and feelings and thoughts that come with it, is what makes life worth living. Of course, we work to develop a more positive outlook. But if we ignore the lessons of life, we don't truly grow and that beauty and sense of goodness in the universe will never be available to us.
  13. Hi there, Have you ever considered keeping an online diary that is password protected? That way, it's private to you and you only. I'm really, really sorry you have had so many problems with friends. I am learning to go into situations with little to no expectations. It's much easier. But that takes a lot of practice. I think you are being awfully hard on yourself. Do you think you can try to chalk this up to an experience that maybe didn't work out like you planned and then start looking forward to the next one? 'Cause there will be a next one. Things are going to be ok! By the way, I had some trouble reading through your text because it was all in one big paragraph. It's sometimes hard for people to concentrate or focus long enough to get through a lot of text, so it might help to break it up a little into smaller paragraphs when you write - that way you'll probably get more replies! :-)
  14. Fear I was molested as a child...

    I think that if you have worries, you would benefit from seeing a therapist and discussing them. I have a lot of trauma in my past and sometimes have trouble knowing if what I'm remembering is true or not. We've kind of gotten to the point where my therapist tells me that it doesn't really matter; what matters is how the thoughts make me feel. Your sexual habits now may or may not have anything to do with what happened (or didn't happen) to you as a child. I was in a D/s relationship for 6 years and we played heavily; I knew a lot of people who had never been abused who were just wired to enjoy pain and humiliation (and a LOT of people have rape fantasies, whether they will admit it or not). Likewise, the baby/Daddy or daughter/Daddy scene is a very popular one, and you don't have to have been abused to enjoy it.
  15. I've been on Lamictal for a couple of months. My neuro gave it to me as a replacement for Topamax for my seizures after I discovered (or thought) that the Topamax was making my depression worse and lowering my energy. I feel a LOT better, but I'm not sure if it's the lack of Topamax or the Lamictal or a combination. I hope the Lamictal helps!