Nataya

So this last week or so has been interesting for the first time since before I was 7 I think I've felt happy genuinely happy I feel so much lighter and have actually been excited for what's to come I have nobody around me who is trying to hurt me anymore.....I have people around me who believe in what I can do. I feel like I'm finally making choices with what I want to do......and for the first time I'm not doing thing people tell me to do I am doing them because I want.to do them. I will not be continuing with the next 6 months of group I feel I no longer need it I am comfortable where I am at and feel I don't need the extra support my individual therapist doesn't agree but she only meet me.the start of this year when everything started to change so she has known me no other way when I started group I said I was doing 6 months then re assess and I have and it's not for me so now I have to stick by it and.tell her I won't.be continuing she thinks I'm closing doors but I am opening new ones to a different future thank you
I'm scared this won't last and it's just fake.but.I have to hold onto what I can and keep it with me!

I am feeling defeated and don't know how much longer I can fight for I'm so tied, I know I have been here before and have come out feeling better but it just keeps coming back and back again....it's doesn't get easier as they say it's all a bunch of bulls*** and I no longer trust anyone.....I'm falling apart and fast.....I have no one left I'm so alone and don't know how to get through again

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

Today I meet my psychologists for the next year while I do an intensive small group of dbt. It has a weekly meeting plus an hr appointment with my psychologists on different days. The also encourage you to call anytime you need support.witch I will have to learn as I find that very hard.....
So it looks like a lot of hard work ahead but I am praying it's for the best.

Now what am I ment to do......I wasn't ment to make it past April and into may.....
I don't know where to go from here.......
I have a discharge appointment with the psychiatrist next week, this is the lady who placed me under a 24hr form. I'm so scared to go!!!
I feel deserted.by everyone and feel I can no longer say the truth....it hurts....I'm sad......

I am home again now I spent 6 days in hospital one day locked ward. My friend. Is staying with me tonight. She has done so much for me. She bought me cloths because my ones had cords and that wasn't aloud, so I had to wear a bad horrible nighty till she arrived with something I was so lucky she was aloud to visit.
All I did in hospital was sleep and then go to my friends for dinner. Her and her daughter even visited me to pass time.
I am so lucky to have such a beautiful friend. And now I can have friends p is gone.

I am home again now I spent 6 days in hospital one day locked ward. My friend. Is staying with me tonight. She has done so much for me. She bought me cloths because my ones had cords and that wasn't aloud, so I had to wear a bad horrible nighty till she arrived with something I was so lucky she was aloud to visit.
All I did in hospital was sleep and then go to my friends for dinner. Her and her daughter even visited me to pass time.
I am so lucky to have such a beautiful friend. And now I can have friends p is gone.

So Friday I went to an appointment with my case manager.......I ended up in the locked ward of a mental health unit. I had to stay overnight. I'm off the locked ward and on the open ward as voluntary but if I don't return after the time I'm told I'll be classes as a missing person. Get that. At least I can go home a bit now.
Wow I'm tied.

All I am doing is waiting until the end of April. I've just come home from seeing my peer support worker and she is trying to get me to see my future and what I can do with myself. I can't see past the end of April. I don't know what I am to do anymore I've lost all my motivation for life.....I can't say to much to anyone or you will be stopped. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore I'm just floating by in this life drifting like a price of rubbish in the wind.

All I am doing is waiting until the end of April. I've just come home from seeing my peer support worker and she is trying to get me to see my future and what I can do with myself. I can't see past the end of April. I don't know what I am to do anymore I've lost all my motivation for life.....I can't say to much to anyone or you will be stopped. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore I'm just floating by in this life drifting like a price of rubbish in the wind.

I am loosing faith in not only myself but also my team who are looking after me. I feel I can not tell them anything without some sort of problem occurring weather it be them having to tell somebody else what I said or if they told me they wouldn't do something then changing there minds and having to do something about it.
So I have learnt to keep my mouth semi shut I know how far I can go in my talk, I mean I am still learning how much I can say but at least I am learning I guess. It's just frustrating knowing I can not be completely honest when that's what this is all ment to be for isn't it.
I am so tied with everything and find everyday task so hard to do. I feel I am loosing the battle with myself. I feel like all I have learnt in therapy over the years has been a waste of time. I feel like I'm broken again but this time the pieces are to small to be put back together. I am just so exhausted.

I am loosing faith in not only myself but also my team who are looking after me. I feel I can not tell them anything without some sort of problem occurring weather it be them having to tell somebody else what I said or if they told me they wouldn't do something then changing there minds and having to do something about it.
So I have learnt to keep my mouth semi shut I know how far I can go in my talk, I mean I am still learning how much I can say but at least I am learning I guess. It's just frustrating knowing I can not be completely honest when that's what this is all ment to be for isn't it.
I am so tied with everything and find everyday task so hard to do. I feel I am loosing the battle with myself. I feel like all I have learnt in therapy over the years has been a waste of time. I feel like I'm broken again but this time the pieces are to small to be put back together. I am just so exhausted.

I am trying to get support for how I feel right now but I also need to be careful of what information I give out as if I say to much action will be taken. I don't want to be stopped I just want to talk about it so maybe I can I don't even know what I want from talking about it.
I am not at risk right now as I still need to collect a few things but soon I will be completely ready for this to come.

I am trying to get support for how I feel right now but I also need to be careful of what information I give out as if I say to much action will be taken. I don't want to be stopped I just want to talk about it so maybe I can I don't even know what I want from talking about it.
I am not at risk right now as I still need to collect a few things but soon I will be completely ready for this to come.

I can decide what's hopping to me right now......on one hand I am realising a lot of things and beginning to learn to understand things a bit better with in myself so that's the part of me that thinks I am doing better
But on the other hand I am planning my suicide and not sure when the end will come yet but I am collecting and gathering stock. I don't feel I will use it anytime soon but I also feel like it's going to be a sudden decision one day as well.
I'm tied all the time and have been sleeping better well a lot better but now I feel I sleep to much but i can not function without my sleep now. I am so sleepy all the time and can always do with falling asleep.
My case manager has been on holidays for 3 months now, and is back this week so hopefully I'll get to see her soon it's been a rough journey with the temp case manager.
I just don't know what to think and feel and what direction I am moving in.

We are trying to deal with this huge change of our break up with P. We are to scared to find new friendships or to trust people all it leads to is getting burnt.
We are always so tied, but never seem to be able to sleep. Everyrhing we do feels like everyrhing is against us. We really don't feel like we are meant to be alive everything is such a fight and so hard. We just want to give up.

Im all alone i dont know how to deal with it at all. I have my cats but i still feel so alone. Im going to be alone for christmad just me and my cats.
I feel like i need people but yet i can not go an connect with people i find it so hard and intimidating.
Im trying to stay positive but its hard.
I feel i have nothing left to live for P was my everything.

I think i finally broke up with P after 6 and a half years.
I didnt want to do it over the phone, but he asked me whay i had been thinking about us and i told him the truth that i think we should break up.
I feel numb to it really and i am not sure if it is real or not or how long this will last. I really am alone now, i have one friend and she was encouraging me to break up with P.
I dont even have tears or maybe they are to come yet once it sinks in. I already feel guiltu for doing it over the phone im such a ***** ill guess i just have to wait and see