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adamrparr

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Everything posted by adamrparr

  1. Hey all. Sorry I’ve been AWOL for so long. A couple of reasons for that. Will explain more as I get back up to speed. Right now I’m feeling really damned bad. Damned bad.
  2. Hope I’m not speaking out of turn here, but I must say that @Oscar K is a real expert on the subject. You may want to reach out to him. It’ll be very illuminating. Adam
  3. No comment. (Not at all personally directed to you, iWant. Please know that.)
  4. That’s exactly the right thing to do.
  5. (Re: Nyla/PB) I’m f*cking disgusted, fed up, worn out. She’s the SIXTH friend I’ve lost since August. I’m so f*cking sick of it. It’s just been ceaseless. I just don’t have f*cking bandwidth for any more of this shit. I really don’t. I must admit that Nyla & I talked some through PM. As of about a week ago, she stopped responding. I knew exactly what the writing on the wall said. I saw this coming, as much as I hate to say it. Once again, though, absolutely nothing I could f*cking do about it. Same old. Deja vú all over again. So f*cking tired of this. I’m so tired of telling friends that “I just lost another friend”. I’m sick of it happening, I’m sick of feeling this shit & I’m f*ckin’-A sick of talking about it. I have no more bandwidth for this shit. I’m sure this will come across as cold, unfeeling & angry, but frankly, that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. Is what it is. Maybe when I’ve had a little time for this to sink in I’ll be able to make a post that’s a little more like me. Adam (p.s. - Forgot to mention that my uncle died last month too. So yeah, that one too. Never-ending.)
  6. I’m f*cking disgusted, fed up, worn out. She’s the SIXTH friend I’ve lost since August. I’m so f*cking sick of it. It’s just been ceaseless. I just don’t have f*cking bandwidth for any more of this shit. I really don’t. I must admit that Nyla & I talked some through PM. As of about a week ago, she stopped responding. I knew exactly what the writing on the wall said. I saw this coming, as much as I hate to say it. Once again, though, absolutely nothing I could f*cking do about it. Same old. Deja vú all over again. So f*cking tired of this. I’m so tired of telling friends that “I just lost another friend”. I’m sick of it happening, I’m sick of feeling this shit & I’m f*ckin’-A sick of talking about it. I have no more bandwidth for this shit. I’m sure this will come across as cold, unfeeling & angry, but frankly, that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. Is what it is. Maybe when I’ve had a little time for this to sink in I’ll be able to make a post that’s a little more like me. Adam (p.s. - Forgot to mention that my uncle died last month too. So yeah, that one too. Never-ending.)
  7. Well, turns out that this girl does want to go out again. See? Told you I awful at picking up on hints.
  8. Not exactly sure how I’m feeling right now. A little lost/confused. Nothing big, but a little uncomfortable. Guess I’m happy to be home at this point. Had a decent day, but glad to be home. Actually... I’m feeling pretty disappointed. Things just didn’t go my way, but how often does that actually happen? Is what it is, just disappointing. Life goes on. I really don’t need many more disappointments right now, that’s for sure. I also feel like I’m clueless at times about the whole social thing, in one particular way. Let’s just say that I’m exceedingly bad at picking up on hints given during a first date. I’m just stupid at recognizing signs/signals sometimes. It can feel like a disability/handicap at times. Part of the problem is that I think far too much & over analyze everything. Things get much more complex in my mind than they have to be.
  9. @anxiousE, My depression lacks the manic element. When I’m in a depressive period, it feels awful but also feels very familiar & “normal” in a very sick way. I lose perspective completely of what my baseline is. When depressed, it’s very difficult for me to remember what feeling good or “normal” feels like. Can’t seem to conceptualize what that’s all about. My better moods are just a near-absence of depression. I’ve said that, to me, “normal” is the inability to remember exactly how bad depression can feel.
  10. I’m dealing with some anxiety & I really don’t know why. : /
  11. Doing reasonably well. Not exactly depressed but I’ve had a bit of mysterious anxiety today. Not sure why. Reveling in the absence of depression though. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve gotten a decent bit done today: Wrote a couple of letters. Got tire replaced. Talking with a few friends. Got up a good bit earlier than I have been lately. Went by the store & got a few things. Got gas in the car. So all in all, a pretty good day. I wish I knew what was behind this mild anxiety, but it’s okay. I’ll take it. God knows it could be sooo much worse. Grateful for that.
  12. Damn. I definitely didn’t expect this thread to blow up like this. Wow. It definitely makes one feel not nearly so alone. Many thanks to all. And yes, @samadhiSheol. You’re right. We just must remain true to ourselves so we can sleep at night. We are not responsible for other people’s reactions, just our own actions & words. I’m not at all sure why this subject has resonated like it has, but I’m very grateful. Thank you all.
  13. The trifecta. I know it all too well. Seems like there’s very little that’s more complicated than those three being wound up together. Take some aspirin, maybe something to sleep. Among other things, tea & a hot shower can work wonders in terms of being able to get some sleep.
  14. Lamictal has been pretty effective for me when paired with Prozac. One critical thing to know about it. The withdrawal from Lamictal is BEYOND DREADFUL. I withdrew abruptly one time. I don’t have words. Let’s put it this way. A friend of mine in recovery is a recovering heroin addict. He confirmed for me what I suspected. He’s withdrawn from both and said that a full-on Lamictal withdrawal is IDENTICAL to a heroin kick. This shit is not to be taken lightly. It can be a great med, I just wish that someone had pointed this enormous factor out to me when I started it. I had no idea & it could very easily gone really, really, super badly.
  15. So many thanks, NJ! As a matter of fact, I agree with everything you’ve said here. That’s certainly a central concept to my recovery. I’ve worked with it for years. It’s extremely deep stuff but doesn’t get any truer or more important than that. The tough part is putting it into consistent daily practice. 😉
  16. Indeed, brother. Indeed. You’ve given me a ton of hope & inspiration over the last couple of days. It has meant a ton to me. Many, many thanks. I feel that you & I are of essentially the same mindset right now. Progress is being made, but there’s a long way to go for both of us. One thing is for sure. Neither you nor I are satisfied with the status quo. It is not acceptable, and things don’t have to be this way. You & I both know that. How & when exactly are things going to turn around? I have no idea. All I know is that small, incremental progress each day is the only way for me to get there. (Getting beyond “I don’t feel like doing X” is a huge factor for me. I’m better about acting anyway, but still a ton of progress to be made there.) Love you, brother. We’re going to get there. Anything else is just unthinkable. Next case.
  17. Better today. Meds secured, anxiety lessened. So... improvement. Just got through reading everyone’s recent posts. Wow. We all seem to have a lot going on. Stressful presentations, physical pains, on and on. I just want to acknowledge everyone this afternoon & though I can’t respond to each individually right now, thoughts & prayers are with all of us. Finally, a million thanks to everyone for their interest & concern. That’s the thing that keeps me coming back. I’m better than yesterday, thank God. Thanks to all. Adam
  18. @anxiousE, @JessiesMom, Thank you both so much. Everything you’ve said rings true with me. All of it. I’m about to crash for the night but I’ll be back tomorrow. For now, I just wanted to pass along my very since thanks. Love.
  19. Struggling tonight. Garden variety grade-A depression. Don’t want to talk about anything. Don’t really want to write either.
  20. I have a really long history of self-sabotage, in numerous areas of my life. I’ve never engaged in self-harm in the more traditional sense; physically damage, etc. I really wonder, though... is what I’ve done not just another form of self-harm? Seems like I’ve done a lot of this because I think I’ve deserved it, whether I realized it at the time or not. Floundering tonight & I definitely need some feedback on this. Thanks in advance, folks.
  21. Very low mood. Anxiety. Sleep schedule is about as off as it can be. Haven’t been taking very good care of myself. Depression has been the main factor that has been limiting my effectiveness. My mind’s fogged. Don’t feel capable of writing very much. I hate that feeling. Have to pick up my meds refills tomorrow, but without going into details, I’m concerned that that may not happen as intended. Needless to say, this has me extremely spooked. Withdrawal from one of them is extraordinarily bad. Could lead to a hospitalization, in all honesty. Catastrophizing? Maybe. Realistic? Very possibly. So I’m just feeling anxious, worried, depressed & even guilty about not having taken very good care of myself recently. Really didn’t want to write any of this out. : /
  22. Many, many sincere thanks to all of you for your feedback. You’re all right on time with this. Frankly, I was having a bit of an existential/identity crisis, brought about by a dreadful experience. In the end, I think that what I was really wrestling with was this: I am good person, a nice guy, a... whatever you want to call it. I simply don’t have it in me to be anyone else. Sometimes that can result in a pretty powerless feeling when one perceives that the reward for being such a person in s unjust punishment. Wrapped up in that are anger, frustration, cynicism, and self-pity. In the end though, I am who I am. I wouldn’t be comfortable, or even successful, in trying to be anyone else.
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