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alpheus

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  1. I am of the opinion that deeper realtionships of any sort with anyone from where you work are always a bad idea. Work is where you fight like an insect to survive, any weaknesses shown or confidences to be shared are likely be exploited. The role model is a cheery sort of andorid with no deeper thoughts or feelings besides what is required to get the job done. Making meaningful friendships are not worth poverty and having your livelyhood taken away.
  2. I was searching for the stories of suicide survivors.
  3. Things get weird. They say you need other people sometimes for 'reality testing'.
  4. This sort of thing is why I never want to see my family again. They don't even have to make noise about it, it's this silent passive aggressive disapproval thing they do.
  5. I flunked out of grad school due at least in part to social anxiety & depression. It was shattering. I wish I had died with my grad school career. I will never go back for many reasons.
  6. Depression defines my sense of humor, its extremely black and has no sense of 'too soon.' If I didn't have social anxiety and had maybe just the smallest stain of confidence I'd try to make it as an insult comic. I don't remember any time I didn't have depression so I don't have anything for a 'before' comparison. "The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow, there is no humor in heaven." -Mark Twain
  7. I'm not really sure I ever had any dreams. I'm 32 now, my hope for a better economic future died when I was 28, but I think any 'dreams' or such I had were dead before adolescence. I don't really understand it.
  8. I am reminded of a minor character named Ippolit (or Hippolyte) in Dostoyevsky's The *****. He's 17 years old, rapidly dying of TB and gives a long speech before trying (and failing) to shoot himself (due to improper loading of the old pistol he uses). He describes it as something like the last act of free will & self-control nature has allowed him. It was a really interesting speech, I wish I could find text of it online.
  9. Hopelessness, extreme despair, loss of interest in & aviodance of things I enjoy, overeating, suicidal ideation & preparation, fatigue, sometimes hypersomnia (but not near enough for my liking), slowed motor function. I'd say loss of motivation, but I have no motivation to loose.
  10. I don't think romantic love in particular will, but lack of love & social affiliation in general will. We aren't meant to live as solitary creatures. When we do we will go insane and our health will decline and we may die. Its the same for other social mammals that are kept in isolation.
  11. I envy you. My hypersomnia has faded a fair bit with time and I miss it so badly, I hate being awake.
  12. Often on my days off I become very depressed because while work at least distracts me from my life a little when I have time off I have all this time to think about how empty, hopeless and pathetic my life is. Which isn't to say I like my work in the least and that it doesn't make me miserable in its own special way. There is no escape, its just a different kind of misery I guess.
  13. I used to have hypersomnia. Not so much anymore, don't know why. I wish it would come back, I hate being awake.
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