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  1. Hey man, I doubt you'll ever see this, but I did get your message 2 years late but it was good to read it. Anyway, Hope you're doing well. I'm still alive lol

  2. @Rexssi, sometimes I wish I could take over every major porn site and TV channel, and make the videos so that all the women that look like you are cheap whores serving foreign men of a particular race while making racist slurs against herself and saying that she will only do those foreigners, and none of the men ever looks like your boyfriend. And then you see the same stereotypes and one-lines from porn on message boards and in public. You wouldn't be having the same views as you do now, or deny that porn can have any impact on reality or the way you and your boyfriend are perceived. And you know all of this - I don't believe you can be so oblivious as to what is going on - the fact that you said you knew women porn stars of different races but not men is telling enough. You are grossly insensitive as to what it's like to live in less privileged shoes as you. You defend it at all costs because it's a symbol of your dislike of religion - if a religious or conservative figure made a racial slur I bet you would be up in arms over it, but you and the porn industry's media sycophants will hypocritically deny everything in order to protect a political ally. You changed your tune from "there's no discrimination" to "there is but there's nothing wrong with it" so I was right and not just stuffing words in your mouth when I said I would be discriminated in porn vs. your boyfriend. Yes there is discrimination based on looks in many aspects of life but you seriously think being ugly is easier in porn than it is in most other jobs? That it's the "by far the most accepting industry in the world"? If you and your boyfriend were broke and homeless and had to make porn degrading yourself, you wouldn’t be saying there’s wrong with it because it was just “consent”. To you, someone could be paid to stand in the middle of Times Square and scream "I am a ****er!" and you'd say it's not racist and there's nothing wrong it because it was "consent". It's just a fantasy right?
  3. I wasn't going to post at first, but I have to comment on this one: This is some total, utter BS. You cannot be serious when you say there is no racial discrimination in porn. I have scoured the Internet for years and can only find a rare amateur video here and there containing an actor of a particular race/gender and have never seen it once from the mainstream porn industry. You must be of a racial demographic such that you have never experienced racism in your entire life. A fantasy that has no impact on reality? What about having to hear coworkers make racial "jokes" denigrating your race's sexuality? Having to see it under every news article where someone of your race is involved - it doesn't matter if it's an athlete or politician or car accident victim - racist comments of stereotypes that come from porn. Seeing the same racial jokes even on depression chat rooms. Knowing that women check all races but one on dating sites - knowing that even if you had no other problems, you are more likely to die without ever being dated, married, or loved because of race... knowing that studies show you have to make a couple hundred thousand dollars more in income to have the same dating chances as other races. How about getting private messages from someone telling you they are about to commit suicide because of this reason? All because of the porn industry and Hollywood. I too have often thought that race alone is enough reason for me to commit suicide (though I have myriad other reasons).. Many times I have wished I would get massive plastic surgery to remove all ethnic features and get rid of my name and past identity and start all over again. I cannot even introduce myself in public, or tell someone what my name is when they ask me, because of its ethnic connotations. And you know what - I bet you know all of this. I bet you were intentionally bullxxxxxxxx when you called it the "most accepting industry in the world" and are laughing right now at me and gloating inside you that you and your boyfriend are of a genetically superior, more physically attractive stock. You love being attractive enough to be a porn star - do you really think I have the same chances of being in porn as you or your boyfriend? Or any ugly person, any elderly person with wrinkles, etc. people who won't be automatically denied entry in a shopping mall or a normal job? No, you don't. I get the point about porn being no worse than 50 Shades of Grey. But the majority of the US and North America is far from being "prude" or "puritanical" - I can't believe how anyone can say that. The mainstream media and entertainment industry is all about sex ... even if I never look at porn, I'll see ads or pictures in totally irrelevant places that are porn or close to it. I'll hear my classmates talk about porn and see them view it on their lab computers. There's no stigma about porn, but there is plenty of stigma about being unattractive, a virgin, no girlfriend, etc. You know why a college made a no-twerk rule? Because the term "twerking" didn't even exist until Miley did it. Many cultures around the world outside of Western Europe and North America don't have a problem with teens feeling repressed because they can't twerk for 8 hours every weekday, because they actually think a person's self worth is more than how many sex partners they have. They date and marry for reasons more important than their sexual attractiveness. I saw the article about the no-twerk rule too - and I said, I wish I had attended a college like that. As expected, people accused me of being a "Bible thumper" and such but that is not the reason. It's because I could actually make friends without getting drunk and posting pics on Instagram of having sex with random strangers. Last thing I'll mention is - just not looking at porn isn't enough. Certain things will scar me forever because I have seen it in the past and knowing they exist is enough. P.S. if you think I was rude, well there are some statements I just can't respect.
  4. I do that all the time (not really delete a post after it's posted, because I don't think that's possible, but write a post and then never end up posting it). It's a reason why I rarely post on this site or forums in general anymore. I often spend hours or staying up late writing a simple post, then post it, and as soon as that happens I feel a sense of deep regret over what I did. The first thing I think of next morning would be how I regret making that stupid post. Over time it has made me more shy about posting at all. I voted for the 1st option under the 2nd question, but I think I have another reason. It's because I know there's no privacy on the Internet. Everything I post can be seen by everyone else and lasts forever, but more than that, it can be collected and statistically analyzed. Maybe you don't get what I mean... I think it's because of my technical background that I understand how every piece of information I reveal could potentially degrade my privacy. The thing is, that same background means I may end up working as a paid mercenary for Big Brother, and doing the same things that I dislike being done to myself - it's a major reason why I'm reluctant to have a career.
  5. I never purposely listen to music, don't want to, and in general it actually has a NEGATIVE influence on my mood. Granted, it's mostly because of the lyrics and artists rather than the music itself. It's not true either that if you grew up with music you'll always like it. I grew up with it for a time and was very devoted to playing my instrument (though that isn't considered "real music" these days), and now look at me. I know this seems oddball even for a depression forum, but that's what it is for me.
  6. It's OK SillyDobson. I for one wasn't upset or offended by what you said, and I can relate because I often have those feelings too even when I'm on chat. I just didn't want you to get into trouble, that's all. I still welcome you here on chat and on DF. Sorry about any misunderstanding.
  7. I have told people before, that I think having graduated from university makes me WORSE off. I don't mean to discourage people, but I regret having gone there. People don't understand what I mean and they have looked down on me and called me names for saying that, but there is truth to what I say. Think about it... if I had been a high school dropout, and took a couple of years off unemployed, or dropped out due to major depression or whatever reason, it would have not hurt me that much. I could have gone back to HS or at least get a GED. I could do that without having to be competitively admitted to anything. If I had just graduated from HS, I could take my grades and they would be enough to get me admitted to almost any undergrad program even without extracurriculars or recent work experience. Even if I dropped out in the middle of university, I could probably come back and complete my degree at a later time. But to do this after you graduate? Your career and reputation is destroyed. Employers will refuse to consider you because you have been unemployed for over 6 months; you cannot get a more advanced degree because they are so selective beyond the minimum grade unlike undergrad which at least where I live admit anyone above a certain average even if you have nothing else. It's the end of the road - there's no next step to take, at least not a clear or easy one. So why is it that people make it seem like a degree is an accomplishment when it is really a badge of shame? Unless if you use it to get a job immediately after, but that job is your accomplishment not your degree. A degree is like a coupon. If you use it before the expiry date, it's great, but when it expires it becomes just another useless shred of paper to fill up your pocket. You know what's something I don't get? Why do grad schools have to be so competitive to get in? Think about it. I can understand if an employer rejects me for a job, even when I believe I can do the job, because the employer pays me, and thinks I'm too much of a risk for his money. But why should a school reject me or anyone that has the basic prereqs? It's not like I'm automatically going to get a degree from being admitted, I still have to pass the courses and earn it; and unlike a job, they're not paying me, I'm actually paying THEM in tuition! Maybe I would get an assistantship, but that probably won't cover all of the tuition - or I'll just forgo it if they can't afford to give me one. Why should they deny me a chance just because I can't demonstrate motivation or ambition on an essay or I didn't buddy up with profs enough to get letters of recommendation? Look, if they are indeed right that not showing passion in the field or not having recent work experience means I'm unfit for the program, then that means I'll go in, fail my courses, and not get a degree. But why not give me a chance? Why not give me a chance to prove whether they're right or wrong? If their argument is more selective means a better quality program or more prestige, then make that selectiveness within the program. If you want to make your courses so hard than 90% of students fail, then so be it. I can respect that, but not denying people a chance. They may argue they only have a limited number of spaces to put butts in seats, but they take in so many undergrads so easily (and with much smaller application fees). All the time, you hear about governments complaining there are not enough math/science/technology grads and how the shortage of them is supposed to be a national emergency or whatever. Well, I'm here - I'm going to say that to a public TV one day while I'm homeless - and it's your own d*** fault for not giving me a chance. If those news stories are true, then it may actually be that society needs me more than I need them. But they also say I should be ashamed of myself - the people who tell me my degree is supposedly employable are not complementing but degrading me, because they say it's inexplicable why I became unemployed or that it raises serious red flags and so forth, meaning that there's something seriously wrong with me personally, whereas if I had a different degree they would've told me it's the economy's fault. But probably the main reason why I was trying to go for grad school rather than a job was because I thought it would be easier to get in. If it's really as unlikely as a job I guess there's not much point to it. At least I don't have to pay $500+ in application fees to find a job (which isn't insignificant).
  8. It's also obvious that if I don't do it, then I must do something else or else nothing will ever happen. It's obvious I do have a reason to get a Master's whether or not I am interested in it. I am trying my best to figure out what my alternatives are and whether I should pursue them, and I need help on that. I can't give a simple answer to "tell me what you want to do." I am trying to explain where I am coming from, but you'll complain I'm wasting time arguing and so forth. How do you expect me to explain myself if you're just going to tell me to shut up? You know what? The insulting way you talked to me, at least the last paragraph in the 2nd post, is making my depression worse not better. It has made me more stressed and fatigued. But maybe that was what you wanted all along, to satisfy your jollies by trying to trap me and make it look like I was the aggressor when I wasn't. Now people may be less likely to respond to me which means my thread is wrecked. Your posts have made me feel worse and that's something I have to get off my chest - you gave me your honest opinion of me, now I'm giving my honest opinion of you. I desperately need help, and I am thankful for all advice. But I don't appreciate insults and I don't think it's fair some are thinking of me as a bad or mean person because I was goaded by them.
  9. Waffles, I was not directing it towards you. I was responding this way because he said I was immature, stupid delusions, etc. which I took as aggressive. That's why I had to be aggressive in return in my last post. I realize this was probably his way of trying to help, but you see people have responded with this style to me before and I didn't push back but felt afterwards I should have. I felt I have done the "hit me on the other cheek" thing too much before so I'm trying to defend myself more. Maybe other people don't find the things he said like 'delusions' to be offensive, but I do. I've been called this by several other people before and I didn't like it. Maybe he didn't mean it in a bad way and this was a misunderstanding. I appreciate your advice Waffles and I don't know why you would think I don't.
  10. If my goal was to make people like me more, I would not have posted this thread or anything on this site. So you expect me to stop arguing, that is roll over and nod in agreement to everything that has been said about me? Even though you may be trying to help, I take "immature" and "delusional" to be insults and I'm not going to back down without a fight. Of course, I don't have to write anything here. I write because this site is supposedly a safe haven to post your thoughts even if they are personal or embarrassing. If I sense it's not safe it will make me reluctant to post here again. If people fail to appreciate my posts and complain I'm just wasting my time writing pages of crap, then next time I'll bottle things up inside and not log in here. But it won't stop me from thinking. I'm not going to let you control my brain. I am trying to look at it objectively. What I am largely trying to do is gauge how realistic it is to get in. Posts like renster's and peaches' do make me a little more hopeful. But I have inquired about my situation elsewhere, for example - and this ties in to what you've said later - I've had someone who first told me that I must have gotten a degree in a "worthless" field and it was my own fault for doing so. He made it sound like the worst losers are those who get degrees in worthless fields. Then I told him it was in CS, and he thought the only way that's possible is if I got it from a worthless for-profit diploma mill. But since I got it from a real university, he scorned me saying I'm raising huge red flags and that there must be seriously wrong with me - basically making me out to be a bigger loser than someone with an unemployable or diploma mill degree. So for me to have such a degree make things worse. Negative responses like that counteract the more optimistic "give it a try" responses here. I've seen evidence that are discouraging as to my chances of getting in, at least at the moment. But you think if I just stop thinking and undermining myself it'll make a difference. No, if the reality is that I have little chance, then I have little chance regardless of whether I'm an optimist or pessimist. I've explained this before (when it comes to grad school) when I said that first, there's the cost of applying, and second I risk losing my reputation and "outing" my situation by asking for references. Even normal applicants know they can lose by trying - they don't apply for every single school in the country, just a couple because i'll be a waste of money for them and not worth the increased chances of getting in. I'll give you another reason - these grad schools and job positions ask for those "passionate" in the field. But you know what the truth is? I don't give a flying s*** about CS or whatever it is they want me to do. That doesn't mean I can't complete the degree, but I don't feel any passion or interest at this point. Maybe I'd feel a bit of the interest coming back if I get admitted to a program. But it's also possible I don't want anything to do with the field and would dig myself deeper into a hole by going for a Master's. On the other hand, if I start all over again in another subject I risk wasting more time going for another Bachelor's when I could have gotten my Master's in half the time - and I may end up hating my new subject too. That's what I stand to lose by trying. There are several reasons some of which I've explained before. I have to go so I'll explain another reason in my next post. If I'm "immature" then so are most of the posts on this site. Why is it that you have to pick on me in particular? And who made you the authority to decide what is immature and stupid and so forth? You wouldn't go and tell people who post "OMG! KIM K CHANGED HER UNDERWEAR!!!" 1000 times on Twitter to stop being melodramatic. You wouldn't say that to people who are not depressed and are immature when it comes to enjoying themselves, but you say it to me because I'm a target. I have no friends and I don't say what I've posted here in real life, only anonymously (I hope) online, yet I'm blamed as an immature attention seeker. I have the kind of viewpoints I have because I seek wisdom, and I defend my points. I would be "deluding" myself if I said everything was rosy or that there's no tragedy or unfairness. You may think I'm immature because you think everyone should be a robot who gets a job, makes money, and "keeps up with the Joneses". But people aren't robots. I'm not a robot, I have to think and seek meaning, and that makes me more mature, not less. And even normal happy people aren't robots, or else they'll do nothing but work and have no need for enjoyment. Even if I were to ignore them as you say, they won't change reality, the situation I'm in. I strongly disagree that if I simply stopped thinking about certain things it'll solve my problems. And as I've said, it won't stop me from thinking, I just won't post it here and open myself up to your criticism. If you're still going to call me delusional, point out which things I've said are delusional and I'll debate you on it. I don't like to fight, but you've challenged me to a fight when you call me such words.
  11. chest_high_wall, then tell me what the flaws in my thinking are.
  12. Brokenme, thanks for taking the time to answer me as I see that you're struggling right now through your thread (though unfortunately, I'm not as good at helping people). You said that as long I meet the requirements for something, I should apply because I have a chance at it. But I'll explain what I mean with my case of applying to grad school - it's not a job but it's a great example of what can happen. I meet the requirements (provided that I can get references) for every single graduate program in computer science in Canada, at least as far as I have seen. If I had taken the GRE, I probably would fit the requirements for all but a couple of elite schools in the US, but that's another story. What are the requirements? A Bachelor's degree in computer science, and a minimum GPA which is always somewhere in the B range. That's it as far as precise requirements go. (There are rare cases of them requiring a code sample, but you get my point). They would require statements of purpose and a resume, and letters of recommendation - I'll assume for now that I can get those. Note they don't place a requirement on how good your resume or rec letters are, because it's subjective. So since I meet the requirements, I should have as good of a chance as everyone else right? If your point is correct, I should be comfortable applying to any graduate school in the country. If all I read were the requirements, maybe I would fool myself into believing that. But look at the rest of their websites. Here is what one of them said: "Applicants to our program should know that we receive 1,000 applications per year, and only the very best Canadian and international students are accepted. If you think you can compete with such a group, you are welcome to apply." I don't know how many students they have, but maybe 100 at most? If you think that's impressive, there's an American school I saw that said pretty much the same thing but receives over 1,500 applicants per year. But since we're only looking at Canadian schools, there's another one that says "less than 10% of applicants are admitted". Another one, not exactly CS but related, says 5% are admitted. I've seen one described by an outside source as 10-15% admission. Another school says "admissions is highly competitive." Actually, a lot if not most places say that, maybe it's "very selective", but basically the same thing. There's a school that a former boss personally described to me as "easy to get in" that mentions the "highly selective" line. But you'll say, I still have a 10% of chance of getting in like everyone else right? And if I applied to enough of those, I should more likely than not get into one. Well, the admissions steps also mention what you can put in your resume. They say "research experience, publications, conferences attended..." They never said any of those were requirements. There will be applicants who have done research but never a publication who gets in, and perhaps even a few who never did research... but how many of those keywords, though not requirements, can an applicant omit? OK, they don't mention letters of recommendation from profs who have published a gazillion papers and known to them personally will be given far more weight. They think that's common knowledge, so it's not mentioned there. They don't explicitly mention that applicants with multiple year unemployment gaps will have big red flags circled on their resumes either. They don't, because it would be a shocking, unexpected event to see that on an applicant's resume - after all, statistically graduates from my university and program are supposed to make $100,000 a year after 5 years or something like that, let alone make $0 over the entire time period. It's not mentioned, because they don't have the space to mention every shocking and unexpected event they've ever seen. But do you really doubt they won't mark it with a red flag if it hasn't been thrown into the trash bin already? Then they read my statement of purpose - it's either obvious that I'm sad and depressed, or I claim that I'm super motivated and eager, but they look at my resume and say "if he was really that motivated, why does he have so little to show on his resume recently? I think he's bluffing." They see I meet the requirements. But almost everyone else meets the requirements AND has much more to offer. Who are they going to take? Sure, there's a chance I could get in, but when it says 10% of applicants are admitted, it doesn't mean I have a 10% chance. Realistically it would be more like... 1% maybe? But you'll say, that's still a chance, why not apply? Why not apply to every single school in the country in fact? There are a few reasons. There is an admission fee involved which is about $100 per school, plus an official transcript fee of over $10. Money aside, if I apply to too many places it'll raise eyebrows amongst my references, and if I fail in this round of admissions, I would not be able to confidently apply again, given they'll remember me next time and my application would further decline with another year of unemployment or underemployment. My references would know I've failed and their perception of me would decline. If I do apply, I must be careful because this could be one shot only.
  13. I could wait until I'm 50 and I still won't be able to tell you what I "want" to do. How am I supposed to figure that out? Actually, in a way I do know what I want, but it's not in a language the rest of society understands - my perspective on things is very different. People often say things like "what do you like to do?" but they never explain how it is possible to figure that out. As far as I'm concerned, it's illogical and unreasonable to "like anything". I don't have any interests, hobbies, or friends, and am practically incapable of feeling enjoyment or happiness. I could elaborate more about this, but the point is if I got entrance to a school or a job that I feel I can do given my personality and is something I respect (and few things fit this category), then I'll do it. I'll do it even if I don't feel any interest or enthusiam from it, because it is my duty. There's a problem with the argument of "you don't know what will happen if you don't try" - since people didn't understand my lottery example, I'll put it this way. What if you were to apply for every job posting that said "president and CEO?" You could tell yourself, "I'll never be a CEO unless I apply", and it is theoretically possible. Maybe you'll be the only one who will apply for the position, and the company is so desperate they'll accept you. But in reality, are you going to do something like that? No, because you'll think it's just plain stupid. You know the probability of you making a fool of yourself far outweighs the chances and rewards of you getting the job. This is relevant to my special case of applying to grad school because I just posed my question of whether or not I have a chance of getting in to another person, and that person admitted that yes, unemployment and being out of school matters, and I would almost certainly not be admitted back to my own alma mater. When I was in high school, I could've gone into any university in the province and probably the country. Statistically I outperformed what I was expected to do as my marks declined relatively little compared to my high school marks, and I graduated with a decent average which is even a distinction noted on my degree toilet paper. Today I would be lucky to have a chance to get into universities that I would have been ashamed to attend coming out of high school. I know some here say school prestige doesn't matter but it shows just how worthless a degree and marks are, and the fatal mistake I made in concentrating on my classes and putting aside all distractions, including looking for a job after graduation (and getting counselling for my depression). There is a big difference (actually two differences) between getting into university from high school, finishing school, and working in a job ... versus applying for grad school, finding a job. Applying for undergrad was easy, if you had enough marks you got in. The high school set up the details in applying for you. To get marks, all I had to do (in theory) was to study and do assignments and exams - in short, I was in control of my destiny. In practice it's not always not that fair, but the point is, it's up to myself to do well. There was no convincing or conniving the teacher to give me better marks. There was also a system in place that laid out what I had to do next - complete a certain number of courses. I worked too, but that was because of a system set up in which I had to get jobs using the school's website. Even then, I struggled with the proactiveness of applying for jobs and performed worse than most, but at least there was a system to guide me. But once you've graduated, there's no system in place and no one to tell you what to do next. No one will tell you when or where to apply for a job or even that you're supposed to apply to jobs. That may seem Captain Obvious to you, but I have no family members or friends that have ever had a professional or decent job before. I have no role models, no mentors. I underestimated just how important it was to actively look for jobs ASAP and how devasting it would be to me, far more than getting bad grades, enough to destroy my life and narrow my paths down to suicide. (Although I have other reasons to be depressed and suicidal). There's no rule like "if you don't find a job in 4 months, you fail" in the academic calendar. It's obvious to everyone else, but how could I have known? And then eventually, I realized the truth... and panicked. It felt as if I were in school and I suddenly realize I forgot to go to the final exam yesterday. That is in fact a recurrent dream of mine, and that's coming from someone who has few dreams. One reason why I want to go back to school is because my dreams are often the same ones of being back in school, and suddenly realizing that I've enrolled in a course that's almost over but forgot to attend it. There are also dreams of my last ex-boss, calling me back to work again. These dreams have become less and less frequent, a sign that I am giving up hope, and memories of the past. They dominate my dreams, because my life up to 3 years ago was composed of little else. I always concentrated on school or work with little room for anything else. Unlike other people, I took in almost no pleasures in life. I know that I am a harder worker than most, if not almost everyone. I know that I studied more and spent longer hours in the computer labs. That doesn't mean it necessarily translates into results, but I did. I know that I give my effort into jobs too. Which is why it hurts to hear what people assume are the reasons for my unhireability. If they say it is for the real reasons, then I can accept that. But to know that I am now seen as lacking in work ethic, lazy, immature, spoiled... that is blasphemy. I know deep in my heart that isn't true, but I am helpless in being able to prove it. I've told someone that hard work means nothing in this society, and that person said "umm, it does." I felt like replying, "no it ******* doesn't and you know it!" I want to say to anyone who says I'm no longer working hard, that because I've tried that route and it has been to no avail, so I'm tired of playing that game! I'm tired of pretending to be someone who works hard and acts like it's going to accomplish "goals" in some way, because it doesn't work! If work ethic and motivation really means something to employers, then let me ask you this. If that's what they really want, then I'm going to go to an interview and self injure myself on the spot, yes, right in front of the employers, to show how much I want the job. Is there any other candidate who wants it more than I do and are willing to do what I'm willing to do? OK, you say that's not enough motivation? Then how about I go there and attempt to **** myself right in front of them. Surely they'll feel sympathy for me and understand I'm more desperate to get the job is than anyone else is right? But no, of course they won't, they'll throw me out of the office, call 911, and tell the security guard to never allow me into the building again. That proves employers are ******* hypocrites when they say they want a hard working and motivated worker. They know the real reason why they hire people, and that's not it! Which brings to me to the second difference. When I am in school, I am in principle in control of my own destiny. Even in a job, you can be, especially if you're working by yourself but even in a group the manager will hopefully see and recognize what you've accomplished. But when you apply to a job, it's not you that determines whether you'll succeed, it's them. Yes, when you write an exam, it's the marker that determines whether you pass, but it's judged by objective standards, unless if it's a subjective assignment. But an employer (or grad school, outside of the minimum GPA which is mostly just a filter) doesn't do that. He accepts you because he LIKES you. If you're a typical person you'll say "but it's up to you to convince him", but how? How can you "convince" someone? How can "convince" be a verb? To normal people, this may seem so natural that they don't ever think about it. It's like describing what it is like to breathe to someone who can only breathe through a tube stuck in his throat. To them, to make friends is so normal and common they don't ever think about how it is possible to make them. Seriously, how does the concept of "making friends" makes sense? It doesn't make sense to me. How can you make someone your friend? Are you going to mind control them? No, but you're going to make them "like" you. You want to configure yourself into someone they can "like", but you're really not likeable the way you are already. So you've got to convince... connive... market yourself... become a nepotist. See, this is what I think is a fundamental difference between myself and everyone else in society. Don't get me wrong, I try to be nice to people, I like helping others, I work well in groups, with co-workers, and I'll chat with you if you want to chat with me. But I don't try to do things to make me "likeable". For example, I'll tell you that I've never actively made a single friend of my own accord in my life. I think there have been occasions others became friends with me, but not the other way around. That fact is embarrassing and highly stigmatized by virtually all of society, which is why I'm not going to say it, or say the things I've said in this thread, to the average person in public. I may not even tell it to a therapist. But I know even on depression sites like here, many people will dislike me for what I say. However, I'm not writing it to convince other people to be my friend. If they like me better and want to become friendly with me because of it, then great, but if not, it's their choice. I defend your right to hate me, if that's your choice. But to normal people, that's not how they think. They are in a constant battle to try to convince others to like them, to give reasons for them to be their friend, or to be their girlfriend / boyfriend / significant other, or to pretend to be a walking advertisement in order for an employer to hire them. Not reveal yourself for what you are, but to hide your undesirables and only show your desirables. To a normal person who has went through the process of making hundreds of friends in their lifetime (and furthermore, enjoyed thousands of commercials and their consumable products), the concept of "marketing yourself" is natural. To me, a loner, it is not. I'll add that I have worked and gone through interviews prior to my current bout of unemployment, and sure I suppose I did "market" myself then. But back then, I had reasons to argue for why I am a good fit for the job. I was a student and someone who did well as a student, and I had no red flags. I can no longer say that anymore. It's obvious that I have red flags, and though I know deep down I am a capable person and deserve much better than this, I would be a salesperson selling a lemon. Partially because I don't have good enough sales skills to sell an inferior product, but also because I don't want to swindle a customer with a lemon. I believe in a code of honour that's greater than my own well being. ... Though I admit, it is tempting to break honour when one's sustenance needs are not met. I don't want to, but I may eventually cave in and break a piece of it just to survive. But even if I do, my tongue is not slick enough to sell the lemon.
  14. A few months ago I made a thread here: I think it was actually a post by depressedgrad on this forum that gave me the idea to try to plan to go to grad school. I hoped making a thread in One Step At a Time would encourage me to do it, but it seems like it's not going to be enough. I should say that "giving up" is really a misnomer. I've never truly given up on anything - I never dropped out of school or university or quit a job. But as far as applying for a job or to go to school - I'm not really "giving up" if I don't do it, it's just hard for me to think of a better term to use. It's like if you don't buy a lottery ticket today - are you "giving up" because you're neglecting your chances of winning the lottery? Can you fail at an inaction rather than an action? But you would surely take the lottery winnings if you won one, you just have doubts the probability of winning is worth the probability of buying the ticket. Anyway, I'm in a quandary right now. There are people on this site who have told me I shouldn't give up since I've already made it this far and it would be unfortunate to give up now. Well, thanks for the optimism. But the thing is, I've posed my problem to other people and some of them seem to be suggesting that I have no chance of getting in and should give up. Actually, I've seen different takes on this. Some say that it's OK to grad schools that I've been unemployed for a long time, other says that it will eliminate my chances just as it would to an employer. Some say that as long as I have letters of recommendation, I have a chance. It's unclear whether having no research experience will eliminate my chances, or if it's OK as long as I apply for a Master's instead of PhD. Some say if I email profs it will help, but I've heard others say that profs are annoyed by all the emails I get and it could actually hurt me or even get myself blacklisted. So I'm confused. Should I apply now, or forget about it? A lot of people don't seem to understand me when I say I have a computer science degree. For example they say I should go work at Best Buy** since I have a "technology" background, but that's actually a terrible fit for me, because you must be extroverted and be good at selling products and knowledgable about gadgets, which means you must have had $$$ already in order to afford them. You could pick the average person off the street and they'd be more qualified to work there than I would. I've explained before I'm not interested nor capable of doing typical IT stuff or what most people think of as technology, and it's not because of my lack of intelligence or work ethic. I am just hoping there are still some aspects of CS I can do; if no school will accept me, then I'm going to give on the field entirely and maybe living within the normals of society. It pains me because a lot of it isn't my fault; I feel like I was mislead as to what computer science is, and changes in technology and society have made it impossible for my personality to cope with. I believe that, though I'm not a genius, I have wasted talent that I'm unable to put to good use. I can see myself in the future becoming homeless; I see myself having trouble getting money compared to my other homeless peers, because just as I have trouble "marketing" myself to employers, I would have trouble begging and explaining why I should get their change too. One day I'd be bored and I'll go the library to read novels, or try to understand advanced mathematics, perhaps in futility. Then a counsellor will walk in and say, "hey! You're the homeless person on the street! I can't believe you're reading this stuff, you have wasted talent in you!" I'll tell them it's too bad society wants me to waste my talent, and I'm happier to live without having to play their little games, which are in essense the same as a teenager wearing skanky, expensive clothes in order to talk to the "cool group" at lunch. For now though, I am at my last opportunity to salvage what's left of everything I've tried to do since I began university. Which means I would effectively concede on losing almost the last decade of my life... and maybe the rest of my life too. Most of the evidence I see suggests that I will most likely make a fool of myself wasting hundreds of dollars on application fees, so people have told me I should give up on this and get work experience instead (but I have no chance of a relevant job at this point). I should add, part of the problem may be the schools I'm looking at tend to be the more selective ones, though that's hard to tell. (I'm only looking at Canadian schools.) I know people here say don't look at prestige, but my issue with it is that what are probably the more "top" schools tend to have greater course selection. Some schools seem to have only a couple of courses offered each term which means there's a greater chance I have to take something I don't want to take. I don't know where I should be applying; I can only guess. I'm fairly confident I can complete a Master's degree at any school. The question is if they'll give me a chance. I have the feeling the chances I have are not worth trying. But I hope people are able to convince me otherwise. ** Days before my first classes at university, I went to an electronics store. A worker asked me what university and program I was going into, and he was so impressed he bowed to me. If I went to the same store today, I would be bowing down to them begging for a job.
  15. I read your reply Feelinblue, and thanks. It looks like the thing about applying to grad school won't happen. I suppose I could make a last minute push but I lack faith that I have a realistic chance of succeeding with this or that it would end up benefitting me. Unfortunately, it means I will have to resort to suicide. I think I am getting closer and closer to doing it, and even if I don't attempt it, it is my goal at this point. I have a hard time seeing a way out of this given that I am stuck in this society and these times. It also feels a bit dishonest, and certainly difficult, for me to write the required essay for the school (or tell an employer) why I want to go for a particular program, when my real "career goal" is **** myself. But then again, everyone else is dishonest right? That's what "marketing yourself" is all about. No one else seems to have a second thought about it. No, I can't teach English overseas, because of my ethnicity, they will assume I'm not good at English. By the way, that's another reason why I want to commit suicide. I could fill up another thread about it. Besides I seem to have a speech impediment, so I give the appearance of not being fluent even though I am. I do like the idea of teaching but I could only teach math or something else. I've never heard of anywhere where you could do that without a teaching degree. I thought I did answer "what I want", though I see how it could be confusing since I do not "want" in the sense most people do. I can't tell you I "want" to have a specific career and it seems illogical and unfathomable how anyone else could answer that, especially at an early age, and in my case it is impossible to do even if I wanted it. But to answer your question, it would be to commit suicide. In theory, it would also be to move out and find another country, another society to live in, but that's difficult or almost impossible to do in practice. I do live in a vacuum, but there's nothing I can do about it. It's not like I went out of my way to isolate myself, it's the natural state of things. I don't know how I would not isolate myself. I have no friends to begin with, and in this society you need friends to begin with (and online proof of that) in order to make other friends. Even if I had them, I would have to go out of my way to fake an appearance of enjoying their music, movies, gadgets, etc. when it really makes me miserable, make up life experiences that I don't have and force myself to go to places and enjoy things when I really don't. But I'm not good at faking myself. In fact, I find the idea of having "friends" to be odd. I'll stop here, since I'm already getting a bad feeling about what I wrote as I usually do.... I always seem to get the feeling I'm ruining my reputation and making people less likely to want to reply to me. Point being, part of me desperately wants to do something that even has a slight chance of helping myself (like applying for school) but I am losing hope.
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