Jump to content


Silver Member
  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


blueyonder last won the day on October 28 2013

blueyonder had the most liked content!

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Interests
    literature, art, music, writing, drawing, computer games, solitude

blueyonder's Achievements

Silver Member

Silver Member (7/9)



  1. she is not the source of your emotions, you are. take responsibility for your emotions, stop externalising them and blaming them on her. your attitude towards her strikes me as very strange. you desire her yet you regard her as toxic to you. you seem somehow melded with her in your mind, your concept of yourself is all mixed up with your concept of her, there are no healthy boundaries. you must know that this is not a respectful or mature way to relate to another person. something else i noticed is your refusal to fully accept what has happened and where that has left you. you want to have part of the experience and leave other parts of the experience behind you. you refuse to accept the longing you still feel. why are you unable to be ok with longing for something that has become inappropriate or untenable? we cant always have what we want you know, we dont have to always have want we want in order for life to be bearable, even meaningful and enjoyable. meeting other women is not going to help you accept and come to terms with the past. ive dated someone who was hung up on an ex before and it was so unfair to me, dont inflict that on other people, they dont deserve it. you dont seem to have formulated a coherent direction in your life to give your being meaning as an individual. what kind of training are you engaging in for your art, both theoretical and practical? you have not developed your interest in art to a point at which it can sustain you spiritually, which is something that you can do while simultaneously pursuing a career that can be meaningful to you in a utilitarian sense and also provide for you financially. or maybe you have done these things, im not sure, but its really not evident from your posts. you need to think about these things. the past is irretrievable, shift your focus to the future. try to be grateful for the past. you experienced something that was special and meaningful to you, perhaps even sacred. many many people in this world never get to experience anything like that, let alone consummate it. believe me, its possible to live without sex. you cant necessarily control how soon you might get to experience something like what you did in the past again, so try to focus on things you can control.
  2. lately ive come to think theres no escape. in one sense its work, its some absolute chore that has to be done in order to get money to do things that are more desirable. the ideal as the motivational bestsellers are all saying right now is to follow your passion, but that isnt always possible, at least in the immediate present, where we have to wade through floods of crap to get somewhere safer and more bearable. i think the key to surviving in a horrible job is to try to focus on the opportunities for development, such as becoming more patient, or more controlled, or even just getting through it all without self harming. its a means to an end, keep your eye on the horizon, on the bigger picture, not the daily setbacks that seem to make life unbearable.
  3. if you disliked positive thinking so much, how can you be so sure that you arent stuck in negative thinking bulls***, and why would the opposite extreme be any better? are you thinking of studying for some education qualifications? what kinds of things would you like to do if you did? think of the possibilities. volunteer work can give you some experience to list on your resume. i work in a shop. its crap but im learning what i can from it. we are all progressing on our own time scales and sometimes things just take as long as they take. when i was younger i was hospitalised a few times for depression. the mental health problems i went through in my late teens and early 20s were severe and set me way back. but i went to university and got a degree. im 31 and still living at home, but im doing my postgrad now and im going to be out of this situation one day and supporting myself. everyone has to start somewhere. you cant change the past, but how would you like the future to be? you can throw it all away if you want to, or you can make it into something you can be proud of.
  4. what a horrible experience. why do they get into the job if they dont care about peoples emotions?
  5. maybe you could join some social interest groups based on your hobbies or things that get you going intellectually rather than where you are supposed to be on the social development timeline at this particular point in your life? you dont have to do things just because everyone else is doing them. its ok to move on a little bit from friendships that dont suit you anymore, with people you find you dont respect as much as you thought... you dont have to always stay doing things the same as you did before. your anger sounds like a bit of a worry. where does all that rage come from? its ok to be alone. also ok to enjoy alcohol, just try and keep it to a couple of nights a week only if you can.
  6. yes, its possible. you can find ways to move towards a better future.
  7. im a mess, im a chaos. im a piece of . im unpredictable, i could do anything. i could set myself on fire and not know it. i want to die, i hope i will die before waking up. i wish i had never been born. i hope i die soon. wish that i will die. and not have to live anymore, make decisions, deal with other people, would just like to die.
  8. i definitely think you should post on a careers forum about how to have this conversation with your boss without getting fired. im sure there are ways to have a difficult conversation like this without getting fired over it. maybe the right way to go about this is to indicate your interest in full time work as if they didnt know you were interested before, and maybe suggest that you would be happy to talk about whether changes in your activities or performance might make you more eligible for full time work. im not suggesting that there is any problem with your performance at all, but as far as i have experienced, employers seem to like eagerness and willingness to improve. but the reason why i say you should also try asking on a career forum is because im no expert in these things. maybe other forum members here who see your thread who are more experienced with this could also make suggestions. or you could go to your bookstore in the business and communication sections and look through some books about how to have difficult conversations. otherwise since the commute is so long, i think its a good idea to keep looking for other jobs. good luck, hang in there!!!!
  9. ok, so dealing cards sucks. a lot of people stay in jobs they hate forever without really even getting to know that they hate them, so at least you know you want to do more than that. what would you like to do? what kind of work can you see yourself doing, and enjoying?
  10. so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. sorry you are going through a hard time now. is there anything you can do to take some of the pressure off? could you study part time instead?
  11. it is ok to cry and make time for crying as you have had a difficult and unhappy life. but you can laugh as well, even if being unhappy most of the time, dont let that unhappiness stop you from laughing and feeling happy when you do - dont think of your laughter or happiness in terms of a temporary reprieve, just try to appreciate it in terms of what it is, and enjoy it when you have it. playing music and drawing are skills that can be developed. some people have a natural talent at them, but without practice their natural talent is nothing. very few successful singers and musicians are born with what is called perfect pitch, a sense of pitch is something that they develop through practice. when they do something and they are unhappy with it, they dont see it as a failure, they see it as an improvement on last time, and they see where they could improve it more. when most artists are doing drawings they put in a lot of "guess" lines before they firm anything in, because they know that they cant automatically make it perfect straight out of their mind onto the paper or canvas, they need to fiddle around with it and see if they can get it to work. if they cant get it to work at first, they try another way to make it work, or they abandon it completely and work on something different. no work of art is truly perfect, they are all flawed and incomplete representations of what could be possible, ways of seeing the world, etc. some work of craft or art doesnt have to be perfect or a work of genius in order to have value to the person who made it and their audience, even if their audience is only a few friends and loved ones or an internet community. if you want to develop a skill, the key is practice and persistence, not whether you start off being terrible at it or not. your past has been difficult but it is not your future. think of yourself as separate from your past, it is not you or your future, its something that youve survived to get to where you are today. even though you are feeling emotional and you need to make time to feel your emotions, try to also remain focused on moving towards your future, your computer studies and an occupation supporting yourself that will allow you to do other things with your life and future that you can enjoy. try to look forward to your future and not be consumed with your past.
  12. im not skilled at playing games at all and i die all the time but that isnt why i play them. the bugs in New Vegas dont bother me at all for some reason, when i encounter a bug i usually find it amusing. i just love running around the desert in full armour with heavy weapons, it makes me feel badass. i like collecting the weapons and using them on evil people. i made my character look just like me so it feels like im really running around in that world. i made a player house in the creation kit out of my favourite abandoned house in Goodsprings and i filled it with all my favourite models from the game, i made it really cool, its awesome, it has working light switches and everything, i even scaled down one of the trees out of the mountains and put it in a planter in my bathroom. it makes me feel like i have a place to go where i can be alone and no one can interfere in it or **** it up for me. the feeling i get from the game does carry over into my life. i have the soundtrack from New Vegas on my phone and i listen to it on my way to work. i got a pair of aviators and they make me feel like "authority glasses". when i go into the world i feel like im running around a harsh desert and i can do stuff in it.
  13. my favourites are Diablo 3 and Fallout New Vegas. games have helped me a lot because i have often felt hopelessly incompetent but playing games has helped me feel less incompetent. when i play games i think of myself more as a warrior and less as a victim.
  14. sorry for your loss. maybe you could just take some time out from facebook. if you need to contact people you can still do it through emails.
  15. ive been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of years. i think embarking on a relationship is a big decision and ideally it should be about building a future with a particular person rather than alternatives of being alone or together. it depends what freedom means to you and i think in the right relationship you would both want the same things that were important to you so it wouldnt feel like losing freedom that much. but without the right relationship, like you said there are definitely great things about being alone. not having to check in with anyone, spending as long as you like in the bathroom, never having to compromise on anything...
  • Create New...