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celia_alexandra

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celia_alexandra last won the day on May 7 2012

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About celia_alexandra

  • Birthday 03/28/1992

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  1. My problem is that it often happens at night :/ So, going for a walk actually sounds like a great idea but if it's after about 10:30-11 here it's dark, and I'm a petite woman so I don't feel very comfortable walking around by myself even here (which is much safer than where I'm from). But I'll keep that in mind next time it happens while it's light out! Just coming here last night was helpful too.
  2. Hey everyone, It's been a while since the last time I posted. I'm having trouble lately, especially when I drink which isn't too often, but I get hungry or feel I want to eat and then I want to purge because I feel bad about myself. I have purged a few times in the last few months - it's not too bad, but I know it's still a problem. I've historically been much more anorexic than bulemic, but I'm still dealing with the latter. So my question is: what do you guys do when you feel you want to purge but know it's not okay and for your health you shouldn't? I don't have any ways of really distracting myself. Do you have a mantra or something? I'm really trying to stop even feeling the urge but when I do feel it I don't know what to do :/ Any help is appreciated.
  3. Bluemoonpie I'm so sorry for your ordeal. I know exactly how that feels. I wished my abuser would just hit me so I'd have some 'real' proof that he was abusive. I'm glad you got out of your situation, and please believe me when I say that you will eventually stop feeling empty. I felt that way for a long time, but I'm now in a healthy relationship, and as terrible as what you went through was, it will help you to see in the future what is good and what is bad for you and for a relationship in general. You will be alright, I promise you <3
  4. @sober4life You can do this. We are all here for you Stay strong, friend. And when you're not, come here and let us give you your strength back.
  5. I'm trying to ignore him. Hopefully in a few days he won't even bother to see if I've read the messages, and I can "read" them so I don't have to torment myself with that stupid red notification dot. Thanks for your support
  6. Not to bring down your happiness gs22 (a very happy birthday to you!!!!), but right now I feel utterly deflated and sad, angry, and scared. Yet another cis white male on my Facebook feed made a status about how we're all overreacting, to stop b*tching and moaning, and to chill. So I responded with basically, "are you f-ing kidding me?" and went on about the various reasons it's not an overreaction (including the discovery on day one of Nazi-related Trump graffiti a stone's throw from where I was living in Philly). He then proceeded to accuse me of being "too angry to be rational", so I posted a long but worthwhile read someone else had written about why I'm feeling what I do. He continued to accuse me, so I told him I was done, and he said "u better be done u sound ridiculous". Okay, unfriend. Then he messages me, accusing me of harrassing his wall and then defriending him, saying he's disappointed because he really thought I was a rational person, called me pathetic. I don't want that little red dot reminding me I have those messages, but I refuse to let him know I read them. It hurts a lot. I'm upset generally over what happened on Tuesday, but now I'm especially upset that this person I've known for a long time felt it was alright to accuse me of so much and then call me names. I was physically ill today, and I still don't feel well. Now I feel not just sad for my country and the various marginalized peoples I am part of, but also personally sad and hurt because of this person.
  7. Glad to hear you're doing fine :] I'm alright, going through a bit of a rough patch being away from home for the year, but I'm working on it. I've had a string of bad nights lately, but I'm forcing myself to find support and go out and meet people.
  8. Hi Sun, I know this post was from a long time ago - just wanted to see how you're doing. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship several years ago and I know how hard that can be. Hope you're doing alright
  9. Epictetus, thank you for your words. You've helped more than you know.
  10. ErinCat, I totally understand your perspective, and I was where you are years ago. It's a bit more complicated than you make it out to be, but I completely understand where you're coming from.
  11. This is long but please read it all. I've been thinking about writing this for a while now, and I'm still scared to put it out there because it makes it real. But I need to talk to someone and I'm too ashamed to tell my closest friends, even my therapist. I'm living abroad for school and I have a boyfriend back home whom I love very much and I can see the relationship lasting a long time. But I may have ****ed it up and I don't know what to do. A few weeks ago, or maybe a month, I don't remember, I was drinking with my flatmate and we'd both had a little too much and we were sitting on the couch watching something and I put my legs up on top of him because the table was too far away for me to reach it comfortably, and he put his hand on top of my leg and started caressing it. I told him to stop because it was a bad idea. I remember telling him no a couple of times. Then I don't remember much, I don't remember if I allowed it or he took advantage, but we ended up in bed together. I nearly had a panic attack the next day (and would have if I didn't have Xanax). But then I decided to just pretend it didn't happen and never tell my boyfriend. It was a stupid mistake and it wouldn't happen again. Except it did. And then a third time. I don't feel anything for my flatmate, it's just sex. But I guess I have a hard time being alone in a new city so far away from my friends and family. I feel like a horrible person. He's had enough terrible things happen to him in his life and if I tell him I may lose him, but I've always said that omission is a form of lying, and that means I'll be lying to him the rest of my life. I don't know what to do. Honestly after the second time it happened, I felt so bad because I realized I didn't feel guilty. It doesn't mean anything to me, and it's not like I'm still living with my boyfriend and sneaking around. These things just happen. But he's been cheated on before and I don't want to be that girl, I don't want to go against my values. I'm so scared he'll break up with me if I tell him, which I won't be able to do until December anyway because that's not something I want to talk about on Skype or chat or whatever. There was an incident a few months after we'd started dating where I went out with a mutual friend and we both got pretty drunk, and I ended up making out with her. My therapist told me that it was probably an evening of the scales type of thing, because my boyfriend had slept with her twice when we had just started seeing each other and he didn't tell me. I found out from her after we'd become friends, and I remember telling him that he should have told me. My therapist said it would only hurt him to tell him what happened with her, and it wasn't really important. I've been seeing her for ages and I trust her completely, and now that night with our friend is a distant memory that I barely even think about. Is this different? I'm so conflicted. I've never been this person. I've never cheated, and I don't know what I would do if I were on the other side of it, if it were him who had slept with someone. I think I would be okay with it because I understand, I'm a world away in a totally different timezone and it sucks being apart. It sucks not having sex or having someone to sleep next to. I've considered telling him that if it would make things easier for him (he's been going through a rough bout of depression lately), I wouldn't mind if he found comfort in someone else's bed, as long as that's all it was and it wasn't all the time. Help me. Am I a bad person? I'd like to say it won't happen again but I honestly don't know if that's true. I think I'm more upset about the prospect of losing him than about what I actually did. It's tearing me up. Please help.
  12. Hi Fizzle, Thanks so much for your insight. It's helpful to know there are other people who have this problem which I'm sure to many doesn't seem like a problem. I'm definitely talking to my therapist about it this week, because it's starting to seriously interfere with my life. For example, my boyfriend recently started telling me about his childhood, which I'd known was not a good one (his mother was an alcoholic and when his parents got divorced they lived in poverty) but I hadn't known the details. His stepfather was extremely abusive. There is one story in particular that I won't go into out of respect for his privacy that I literally cannot stop replaying in my head. I am amazed and awed by how he managed not only to get through the abuse and emotional trauma, but how he's come out of it such a wonderful person who would never hurt a fly, and to think of someone doing to him what was done...it breaks my heart, over and over, and it makes me so angry and sad not just for him but for all the people who will never get out of it. It's not about pity; it's actually very hard to describe what I feel, but from your response I know you understand. I'm definitely going to try to learn to control the energy flow through me because there is so much pain in the world and I can't keep feeling it all. More than this, I need to learn to stop writing off my own trauma simply because someone else had it worse. With everything new he tells me, my immediate reaction is, "gosh, I have no right to be depressed and anxious - all I had to deal with was a series of people taking advantage and bleeding me emotionally dry when they were supposed to love me" -- which I know is ridiculous! That's an absolutely legitimate source of pain and suffering, so why can't I believe it? You definitely made sense :) And I really appreciate your responding!
  13. Hm. That's tough :/ I'm not really sure what the right answer is, but I can tell you you're definitely not heartless. It's really hard to be with and around someone who constantly plays the victim. Probably the best thing to do is to tell him you understand what he's going through, but you're concerned that he's only hurting himself, and encourage him to find more constructive ways of thinking and working with his mental health issues. Maybe find a few resources to present him with? Something that's helped me a lot is this site called happify.com. It's basically lumosity, but for mental health. I'd definitely encourage you to check it out.
  14. So, this is kind of an odd thing that I've started realizing about myself recently. I am hyper-empathetic. I've always known this, but have been learning lately that it has serious effects on my anxiety and depression. I learned today that there is actually some science behind it. I'll give you a few examples. Today I was working from home at my boyfriend's apartment, when I heard the door open and saw his friend come in. She looked to be in a bad way and had some bags with her. I obviously didn't want to pry, but I immediately felt that something was very, very wrong, and my chest just contracted into this ball of hot anxiety right above my stomach (this is a typical feeling for me). I had met this friend once before - ONCE - and my heart was breaking for her, I wanted to just wrap her in a fuzzy blanket and make her some tea and comfort her for as long as she needed. I was so anxious that I literally could not do any work for at least 45 minutes. If I ever see anyone crying, even a complete stranger, my heart breaks and I want to help them, talk to them. I believe it is this overactive empathy that also led me to and kept me in an extremely abusive relationship. He was a narcissistic sociopath - I'm talking textbook - but he was also struggling with depression and anxiety, and at the time I was very vulnerable and needed that comfort. I knew what he was from the beginning, and I knew he wasn't right for me very early on. Over the next year and a half I went from being his salvation to the chip on his shoulder, the needy, clingy girlfriend (in his mind). Finally, when he found a new source of affection and comfort, he ended things to be with her. After every time he hurt me, I still felt sorry for him and for what he was going through. I'm interested to know if anyone else here has experienced similar things, and what you have done to keep it from affecting your life so much.
  15. There is a terrific book written by Tori Hayden on this subject. It essentially presents a case study of selective mutism (which was her specialty at a time when it was just emerging in the field), told in the form of a novel. It's called Murphy's Boy. Definitely check it out if you'd like to know more about this condition (though the case is an extreme one).
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