I have been depressed for a long time. Sometimes I would have these weeks of complete misery , it felt like someone ripped my soul apart and I felt nothing. In high school I was never a happy kid , everyone took me for a stoner cause my eyes were always droopy. I did smoke a lot , when i was high I felt nothing just numb and I did not feel anything wrong. The first time I did it , it felt great but the more I did it the worse I felt . It made things so much more duller. I did not drink much cause the first time I drank a lot of alcohol I felt happy and alive and I kept on drinking until when I cam back home I was completely wasted and freaked my parents out. My parents were understanding people but they were not very liberal. They detested me smoking cigarettes and hated alcohol completely. it began a stupid cycle of me smoking just to pi** off my mom. I never realised how much I hurt my mom by smoking. I always had this idea that it was my life and my decisions. It never worked that way. My mom always forced me to stay at home making me hate her , we would always argue everyday. My mom would cry most of the time but I would feel nothing and give a blank stare. The first time we fought and my mom cried I felt bad but somehow I showed no expression. This became a regular thing and I was numbed by it. My mom would sometimes act crazy at me. She always looked sad all the time for some time. My dad also hated it but tolerated it after a while. My whole house was people who were miserable because of me. I did not know what to feel most of the time , my mom always argued with me if i went out. And if I was out late they would keep on calling me and screaming at me to come back. my depression did not start all here though , it started when I was 12 , an event occurred that put me in major depression. I have never felt as awful I felt as those few months after the event. I never truly recovered from it. Soon I realised I had depression but I never told and have never told anyone. I wished after the event that I would somehow just wake up from the bad dream and everything would be the same again. I always think about the day that it happened , I wonder what I could have been if it did not happen. I was a really bright kid but after I was depressed it was hard for me to focus on anything. Every maths and science teacher had always regarded me as their best student. But as I grew older it was harder to focus sometimes depression would just screw everything up. I would have major depressive episodes for weeks , I slowly stopped caring about everything else. I would sit in my room staring at books trying to study. My room probably scared me and made me depressed the most. The room to me was a cesspit of horrible feelings , whenever I came into the room I just felt miserable. The walls were dull , and had nothing on them . The reason I felt awful was because I would just think all night of depressing thoughts , my nights in the room drove me crazy. I could not feel a happy thought in my brain it was this torture machine where I just kept on thinking of negative thoughts. I hated staying in that room but there was no one else. I started smoking a lot of cigarettes to deal with how awful I felt at home. I hated coming back home everyone there was miserable and it was because of me. I was stubborn as I wanted to smoke , party and drink. I just wanted to have a sense of normalcy , as everyone did the same. Being a teen I was stupid in all the decisions I made , I did not think twice . I felt mostly depressed most of my teen years. There would be periods when I was happy , but they would never last. Most people I knew were pretty happy with life. Sometimes I wished I could just fly away. I watched the movie Into The Wild. The movie was about a college honors graduate with a bright future who threw everything away to find happiness in the wild. It was probably the movie that I really connected with . The kid had everything but was miserable , angry with the world so he discarded all the ties he had and lived a life in the wild. At the end it is written Happiness is only real when shared. It probably was the part that hit me the most. I knew the reasons I was not happy, I just did not know what to do. By the time high school came to an end , I was in a major depressive episode that was for 2 months. Everyone was working hard to study for their final exams. I did nothing at all, My future was at stake here and I could care less. I really wished I did care more , it was 2 years of preparation and work but I could not care less. I went to my math exam and did not do a single question. It was worth most of my grade but I could care less. In my graduation party everyone came to celebrate getting out but I just went to get hammered. I had felt miserable in my last year in high school and this was just my way to forget about it. I started fights with everyone there. I did not care, I just felt angry . The party ended but I stayed and ended up messing up the whole restuarant. I spent 2 hrs trying to find my way home. I had to walk through empty buildings which just scared me to death. I was really drunk but seeing those empty buildings reminded me of my life. It was a sad as how empty I felt and how empty those buildings were. I did not see any cars when I was walking around. The emptiness and eeriness of the place felt like how I did. I never had any close friends , some regarded me as close but I did not feel the same way. I always found hard to have emotional attatchment to someone. I was close to a friend in junior year of high school. She was probably the first person who I told a lot of stuff to , it helped me when I always argued with my parents. But over time although we still hung out I felt disconnected with everything. with my friends parents , life. Eventually she left to go somewhere else. She prob had been my best friend but I did not even give a goodbye , I dont really know why I did that. A few days later she went from a friend to someone I knew. I never kept in contact with any of my close friends. If any of them left I would never bother to contact them. I have no idea why . After high school , I somehow got into a good college with awful results. It was in a different country , different culture and away from my parents. It was like a lifeline from the depressive hellhole I was in. I was away from everyone from my past and could start afresh. This gave me hope, something I had rarely felt. It was expensive but my dad payed for it. When I first came it was everything I could want , large amount of people great campus and my major was one of the top programs. I feel like this was the time for me succedd. At first everything seemed fine and I was finally happy after a long time. Soon though I started going back to my old habits. The happy feeling I got disappeared. I did not know what happened but I just felt like my old self. I started skipping lectures and homework , I started feeling worse and worse. I went back home after break and my dad was angry at the results. He thought I would finally fulfill my potential. I wanted to make sure that my dad was happy so I tried my best the next semsester to get organized and get my life in order. I decided to establish a routine , for one week everyday I would exercise and I felt better and better and better. But then that weekend I got drunk and when I woke up I felt horribly depressed. This did not go away for 3 days. I dont know if that was possible , I did not know what to do. I was feeling much better and then somehow I end up where I was. After that day I don't drink at all for 3 weeks to organise myself. I manage to get 3 weeks without drinking and go out on my friends birthday. I end up getting really drunk and spend the night in jail. This sends me into a complete downward spiral. I realised at that point that I was not going to feel any better. I just started getting more and more depressed. I missed more classes and homework and I started feeling as depressed in high school. I did not know what to feel. I soon came to the realization that I may never be rid of it no matter how hard I try. Somehow or another everytime in a year things seem normal and on the up and then I just fall into a depressive episode. I feel like the biggest Barsteward on the planet , my dad worked over time to get me to college and I could not even study to get good grades. Last sunday was the first time I had had a video chat with my parents in three weeks. They seemed really happy and I just thought they were never this happy when I was there. It just hit me that I was always the cause of conflict in the family , i felt horrible after realising that. I did not talk to my little brother much the whole semester but I miss him. He is the only person I know who looks up to me. He always tells his friends that I am some sort of 'genius'. My brother says he wants to be like me. It means a lot that he respects me so much , but I would not want anyone to feel what I feel. I hope he is the opposite of me. I had taken adderall a few days before and it was the best feeling I had felt in some time. I took a lot larger than the recommended dose and had a feeling of euphoria. I did not sleep for 3 days and when I slept and woke up I took some more. But the euphoria get shorter and shorter as I take more. I have taken a lot of adderall , but I cant get the euphoria that I want . It does my head in , I am starting to take larger and larger doses but they don't give as much euphoria I felt the first time. Usually I stay away from drugs but I hadn't felt the feeling in a long time. I know this is a disaster waiting to happen but the euphoria makes everything feel alright instead of complete s***. I have no idea what to do , I have accepted that I probably will not be getting a degree and that I have a screwed up future. I never got a fresh start but a false start , i just keep on having depressive episodes. I know I have the ability to be an honors student but I just feel helpless. Every stage of my life I have screwed up , my dad has always believed in me.No matter how bad I screw up he always supports me. I have not told him or my mom that I am depressed. I would hate to break his heart , he just wants me to succeed. This was also my dream to pursue this major in this college. I have had this dream as a kid. I had my problems with my dad when I was growing up but he always supported me in whatever I wanted to do. I probably have blown it one last time , our family is not wealthy yet he is putting me through college working long hours. I feel like I cant succeed , most people are born with an ability to learn from a mistake but I keep on making them. I feel like my heart is ripped apart right now, I realise I will never have the aptitude to succeed. I don't want to cost my family any more money. They would be better off saving for my brother , who is a much better person than I am. I wish this all had ended but it will go on and on and on. My parents when they video chatted me begged for a smile but I just could not. They think I am doing brilliantly in college. I wish I could be the son they always wanted. I have screwed up in every aspect of my life.This depression has ruined most of my life , there is hardly any left.