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  1. i haven't posted on these forums in a long while, probably years. i don't know why i am doing so again. it's just for the past few years i haven't felt anything, just emptiness and numbness. negative emotions i do feel. anxiety and panic still attack me. but i don't go above neutral and any above-average words seem fake or surreal. my mood never changes because there is no mood to change. i don't know what's wrong with me or why it's happened like this. i am not on medication or in therapy. i should probably be in therapy. but i've had enough bad experiences and paid enough money to be skeptical. i'm sure one day i will try again. i don't want to take medication. there must be another way to cope (healthily, versus all of my self destructive habits) with my depression. i was diagnosed with MDD nine years ago but have been struggling for almost fifteen. maybe i have dysthymia/PDD now. but i'm not self diagnosing. there is just nothing in my life. i am indifferent to everything. i am not suicidal. i do not want to die. i don't mind being alive. but there is not much too it. i guess i'm just ranting and venting here. i can say "i have no feelings" so much and to others i probably doesn't seem real. for no reason i can think of my sleep schedule just got worse and went completely upside down, sleeping all day and staying up all night. still, no feelings. i don't know how to overcome this indifference on my own. are my only options medication or therapy? sometimes i just wish i was normal and had a normal life, not this messed up mental illness one.
  2. [possibly triggering]. it's been ages since i made a post here, but i wasn't sure where else to go about this. i've had some quite unhealthy thoughts, more so recently, about mortality. they haven't been suicidal thoughts or about me, but just about the potential for death. it's a bit hard to explain but it happened today and put be in a depressive spell for a bit. i was waiting for the light rail train (in a tunnel) and thought about how easy it would be to step into the tracks and be gone. it wouldn't be hard if no one was around, as there was barely anyone there. this thought has also occurred when thinking about sitting or standing on a tall building, how easy it would be to go over. and some other examples of ways to end life. but "healthy" people don't do it. it is not because of hesitation or anything. for most people not in the depths of darkness, it just doesn't happen. somehow our brains know better. but somehow my brain keeps wandering through these potentials. i know it is unhealthy. but i don't know how worried i should be. i mean other than some negative emotions that come from time to time, i usually feel nothing at all. literally nothing, neutral. i don't know what to do about this or if anyone else has these thoughts. i just needed a place to share this. anyone have any advice or similar thoughts to this?
  3. nothing. i don’t feel anything. i mean, i have a cold and feel that sucks but otherwise i barely have any emotions anymore. i seem to be functioning though. but i’m not sure what’s going on.
  4. I think I have this depressive apathy. I don't know what's wrong with me of what to do about it. I don't want to ramble on so here's a list of "symptoms"/things going on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, I have major depressive disorder, EDNOS, and delayed sleep-phase disorder. I'm just trying to sort through my current state of mind. -Depressed/low mood -Social anxiety/fear of interacting with others - I even avoid my housemate and talking to family members -General anxiety/panic about life - I get limited symptom panic attacks -Head "cycling" - either depression about everything that could happen or panicking about everything that's happening -Body craving only very few foods, but I can't seem to manage to ea much. my body screams for food and the minute I feel it, it's like "Nevermind, no more food ever." The current craving is chocolate chip cookie dough Pop-Tarts (which is weird as I haven't had them in years), and even those are starting to seem unappetizing to me (like every other food). -Messed up sleep: up all night/sleeping all day or sleeping at night (bed between sometime before midnight to 2am) and waking up too early, not being able to fall back asleep. (Last night I was so tired I went to bed around 10pm and woke up at 9am or so, still completely tired but unable to fall back asleep). -Chronic headaches - not sharp pains usually, just general headaches -Body aches, especially my back (from sleeping?) -Chest hurting/pain (due to food?) -Inability to focus/think straight -Apathy/carelessness -Lethargy -Fleeting suicidal thoughts - not often, but I don't seem to care what happens though (i.e. crossing a seemingly empty street, not caring if a car comes out of nowhere). -Lack of interest in all things -I have a scale - I check my weight far too often (ten times or so a day) - due to my eating disorder/obsessive-compulsiveness -The thought that sleeping for extended periods of time seems much more pleasant than life right now -Overly critical of myself/constantly judging myself/extreme self-hatred/mad at myself -Fear of any lack of plans - I need logistics or I get major anxiety (due to my learning disorder) -Thinking to much about all of this and/or my past/how I got this way makes me want to cry. I almost do but I feel like my body can't cry, like my body won't do so -Putting on a mask/front for everything to think I'm "normal" and happy (I don't know what happy even feels like) -On/off self-harm - sometimes it'll happen for days in a row, others it'll be every once in a while -Compulsive skin picking (I have a new low: picking my self-harm scars in a public place where children and families hang out. I don't think anyone saw me though) -Quiet - not talking much unless thinking out loud to myself -Extremely indecisive -I'm just tired of it all -Feel like a burden in others lives -I doubt others take me seriously - they think I'm fine, probably just "lazy" -Some purging - intentionally -I fear eating binge/purge-able foods, so I usually eat my craving/what I can handle or healthy foods that I have to force myself to eat (due to my eating disorder) -On a scale of 1-10, I think I am a 2 or 2.5 -I've been living in Boston for three months without a job. I've been in my new apartment for two months and have not even looked for one. It's not that I can't find one, I just have been so depressed and have not looked for one. I get anxious and panic over all of the things that could go wrong or how I probably won't get hired for some reason or another -I can function though - like being able to go to the bathroom, make food, or go to the store. My hygiene is poor though. I've also gotten out of my apartment these past few days to downtown/different parks and such, trying to use what little energy I have while it's here. I've interacted a few times for that same reason. I know that I'll hide in my apartment for days on end soon enough, so I am trying to get out while I can (except today as the city is on lockdown. The current news here in Boston is not a cause to any of this). I do feel so fake because of this part though, that I shouldn't be depressed or anything because I can seemingly function and I think being able to function makes others think I am fine -I know this will eventually **** me if I don't fix it. I am not 100% recovery driven, which is a problem. But part of me, despite knowing the consequences of my illnesses, doesn't care if they **** me or not. I do care about my younger brother, and know I can't leave him, but I am just emotionally numb to it all I think that's it. I know I'll be recommended or asked about therapy/medication. I am not on medication and never have been. It makes me anxious to have medication around (I'd probably need it to be monitored not by me, but would rather not have it all). It also makes me suicidal. I am not in therapy. I am visiting my younger brother back home in Portland, Oregon for two weeks at the beginning of May an then am moving to New York City for graduate school at the end of the summer. (It makes me anxious to think about moving and living somewhere for over two years. I want to go to the school, but really just want to be back home in Portland the minute I can. I'm moving back right after graduate school). I do not want to open up to some therapist and be vulnerable for a few months an then leave. I'm reading It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini currently and I feel like the main character Craig right now. I just don't know what to do about any of this and doubt anything I think of will be sound or rational due to my current state. Thanks in advance.
  5. Read an article here: * link no longer exists* I wanted to post this as I find this important in the world of journalism and mental health/illness.
  6. Oh, also pointing this out, that I know this is not a case of Learned Helplessness.
  7. Thanks. I am currently in therapy. I am not on medication. Medication makes me really anxious, even just to be around, so I do not want to take it if I don't have to. For everything else in my life, medication never seemed to work that well. The thing is I have felt this for years. I have felt this for a number of years that this is the way it is supposed to be for me. Yes, it is safe here. But at the same time this is me. And it is how I am. Not long after it started I started realizing I was 'stuck'. I've dealt with severe depression for seven years. For several of those I have known I am staying this way and not getting better. I might be able to manage it, in a way, but I will never get better. I just know this is the way my life is and is supposed to be. I can't explain why I feel this way or why I know but I just do. It is one of the most true things I know and feel. I know that if I could get better and if it was possible for me then I would. I would definitely do everything I can. I would have done something significant by now, in terms of progress. I think the reason I spent so long not telling anyone about it and hiding away was because if I told someone I'd have to admit to this illness I was living my life with. I didn't want to admit to it because then it would make it real and I would have to face my life. And since I knew I wasn't getting out of it, I tried to distract myself from it. I never wanted this. But it's not going away.
  8. I know the title might seem weird to some of you and some of you may dispute it. But I just know I am never getting better. If I was I would've seen some improvement since my depression (and everything else) started seven years ago. I just know it in my gut that this is how it will be; this is how I am hard-wired. So many people will tell me I am wrong and that it does get better. I believe that it can better, but I know that I won't. I knew the first time I went into therapy that it wouldn't. I had a breakdown of sorts and told my brother I'd try it out. There was no harm in doing so, even though I doubted it. But I knew it wouldn't work. Regardless of if I actually put in the effort, it wasn't going to work. I didn't like my therapist much but that wasn't an issue. It was me. It always have been. The minute I said I didn't feel like it was working and was told i could change therapists, I did, only to appease others who wanted to see me get better. But I just made my way through that one as well. I saw someone for one session before changing to the therapist I have now. There was nothing wrong with the other one, but with this one if I put in some sort of effort at least I have "progress" to show others so they don't doubt me. The thing is, even if I try to put in the effort, in the end I just can't. It's not that I know this is how my life is supposed to be. I try to put in the effort, but I just can't. And part of me doesn't want to. No one can really stop me from myself. Even the person who means the most to me in life cannot "save me". Sometimes I wish it was different, but I am comfortable this way. Even though it sucks a lot of the time and I hate depression, it is normal and stable. I know I'll have people try to dispute this and disagree with me. But I feel it in my gut that this is it. I intuitively know that this won't end until leave this life in the future. Regardless of wanting to be alive now or not I just keep waking up each day. It is just a habit, just something to do. But this is how my life is. I just had to write this out because it was on my mind and letting it mill around on my laptop or in a random journal didn't feel like much. Well, it's after three in the morning. I need to get to sleep, as I have to be awake in seven hours.
  9. Thank you. I didn't end up hurting myself. I didn't see your post about what to do. I just laid in bed and everyone in awhile started crying again or freaking out. But after a while I finally got out of the house to get away from my bed/sleeping. I was out of the house most of the day. Though it was super stressful and I had a few freak outs. I am back at my place now and am just going to relax and probably watch a television show to distract myself. Also my sister is probably still angry with me. I am rooming with until next week. In this place I am sleeping in her room, same bed and all (it sucks), and there are two other people who two kids in the house. She is not usually here so my stuff i the only stuff in there and the bathroom's been cleaned. There is not much I can do but let it pass. Eventually she'll get over it, or I hope so. I just want to avoid her. She's not here tonight so I can relax without her.
  10. HELP!! I am just adding this here, as I already have a thread and feel like this will suffice instead of creating a thread in the Members Needing Extra Support Now forum (though this is suitable for that forum). But I am in complete distress right now. This is a terrible numb feeling. I am panicking, am anxious, depression, triggered to self-harm, etc. I woke up this morning as my younger brother called. We talked for a bit but after we ended the call I fell straight back asleep. I did not hear my sister calling me numerous times to be let inside the house. I wish I did though. It would have been better than 'dreaming'. Well she came back and I know she shook me once or twice. I know she said the word 'angry' and then I guess something triggered my head. I had the worst nightmare I've ever had. It was graphic and terrifying. In the nightmare everyone was mad at me and everything was my fault. And I just started self-harming, over and over and over again. It wouldn't stop. I know I was squirming and shaking in my sleep. I was crying. I woke up crying. My pillow/sheet is still wet. When I woke up all I could say was "No, make it stop." It was horrible. it was so much pain in a dream. But I couldn't help myself. It just happened constantly and I wouldn't stop nor would anyone help me to stop. I was alone. I felt terrible and scared. It was such a frightening nightmare. I am really triggered right now too. I have no idea what to do. I am just uncomfortable numb and in a bad place right now. I need to get my act together as my younger brother comes in on Monday. I don't want to be like this around him. I really hope I don't self-harm, as I've been a month free, and it'd be nice not to have those scars on me when he comes. I don't know. I'm just really stressed about all of this. And I know my younger sister is still mad at me. I can't get away from that. I also can't avoid her much. She is at work but when she is back here at her place I am stuck. I don't know what to do. But I needed to write this out that this happened in case anyone had any advice.
  11. A job would be nice but is not ideal until the end of January as my younger brother is coming on Monday and visiting for two weeks and then I am going back home to see him for three weeks. But after that I do want to get a job, I need to. I just need something that pays. I would love a stable housing situation but I've had no such luck. Maybe something will work out soon. I have an open house to go to tomorrow and I am going to make sure the hosuemates know I really want their place. I just have to figure something out for the time my younge brother is here. Thanks though. Ah, I hate when that happens. It is so weird to get to 'normal' but the craving comes or whatever it is and it calls/beckons you back. I feel like I don't know what life is like without the fog of depression lingering. And the scary part is that's all I know so changing is compeletly new to me. I haven't been depressed all my life but it definitely feels like a lifetime. I mean, I don't remember what is liek before my depression started, though I know there was a time before this. I barely remember what has happened since it started.
  12. Thanks bh34465 and cailcosky. I relate to this a lot. I bame myself far too often. And most times I find every little excuse to put the blame on myself. This in itself is quite 'depressing'.
  13. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I've just let my normal depression because too normal. I'm not sure. I doubt this will make much sense but I'm writing it anyway. About a month ago I was really suicidal. I attempted. I didn't go to the hospital. I just flushed my system with loads of water and let myself rest. My younger brother told me that he wants me to be here and I better not go anywhere. I knew that but when I get stuck in my own head even the reasons to stay don't seem good enough. Since then it has been, I don't even know what. The anxiety had faded in and out and the suicidal thoughts are not as active as they were. It used to be that I'd think of every and any way to "go". I think my mind has settled down but just become a fog since then. I honestly don't know what is wrong with me or why I'm feeling this way. For a while I was 'nocturnal', as I call it, where I was staying up all night and then sleeping all day. I tried fixing it and it worked for a few days and it was nice to get outside when it was light/sunny out for once. But every couple of days I fall back into my nocturnal patterns. Like today, I went to bed around 5am and officially woke up around 9pm. Also I had a bad night of a binge and then p***ing it. It was bad. I have this massive fear and anxiety that someone heard me in the house I am staying in now and will find out and I will get called out on it. I can't handle that. Especially because it will probably be my younger sister, who I'm rooming with him, questiong me about it. Part of me thinks that my body doesn't know what to do with itself. I don't have a job so I do not have that routine. But also I have no idea what to do everyday. I have no idea what I want to do as my interests are long gone. It could be not having a job or stable place to live. I am moving soon but it's still so up in the air. My younger brother is visiting and I feel unprepared in a way. We have to figure out where we are staying for the first four days of his trip, and then when I move we need to make beds of some sort. I am in therapy and I know the only way to see progress, however slow/small it may be, is to put in the effort. That feels so weird. My therapist calls it finding a "new normal". I just find it odd when the way I've been feeling feels so oridnary to me. It feels so weird to have to change who I am, in a way. Putting in the effort feels weird to me. My younger brother said I've been "out of it" more so than usual lately and I had to push it aside like I didn't notice it. I know something is up and I have no idea what it is. I just don't feel like I can tell him or anyone though. I don't quite know why. But I feel like I should know what is going on with me. In therapy I am working on identifying the root causes of my negative thoughts. But this is one massive negative thought I can't figure out. Edit: The good thing in all of this, saying that there is good in any of this, is that I haven't self-harmed, in a month actually. So that's nice and I need to keep that up.
  14. ^First off, I love that show. Second, I have scheduled the session with new therapist. I think this is actually going to work out. I already have "homework". Third, how is it November already? I turn 22 in two weeks. What am I supposed to do then that I didn't do now? I'll probably be in the same state as I'm in now.
  15. The therapy session went okay. But I have this gut feeling that is not right and that I need to switch therapists. I am going in again on Thursday and if the feelings persists I might just have to change. It is my choice and my recovery after all.
  16. So I had my first session with my new therapist today. I was nervous. I made it worse when I knocked on the door, opened it a crack, and he was in a session. He thought we scheduled for 4:30p, I knew it was at four. So I got extremely anxious about that. And it didn't go away as my leg was shaking/agitating the entire time. I don't know what to do about it. I have my nest session on Thursday and then every week. But I feel like it is not going to go anywhere. I know it was only my first session, but it just feels too simple. I know I need more help than just talk therapy. I don't get "homework" or anything. It is more processing and understanding. I might learn coping skills but he is not going to tell me what to do as he doesn't know what is best for me, as he said. So I don't know what is going to happen or if I am just going to be talking to him and just talking about myself. It feels like it won't go anywhere. Just from the first session it seems stagnant. The psychologist is nice. He is relaxed/chill. I shouldn't have a problem with him. Something about the entire thing just doesn't feel super right. I was hoping something would click today but nothing did. Maybe it will in future sessions. It just feels so small in a way. In terms of treatment that is. I don't know. I feel like I am just going through the motions, doing it do it, because everyone else said I have to. Is it because he's a male and I'm a female? It shouldn't be. I don't know what is so off-putting about it. I know the last two therapists I had gave me no hope in therapy but I am open to this. I don't know what it is. At the session, I had no questions for him, as I never do. It was just explaining what is up with me in the general sense, what he does in terms of therapy, and what I am looking to get out of it (I have no idea). Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I can keep going and just see what happens/deal with it. This just seems like it will flat line and won't go anywhere. It feels like there will be more of an understanding of my issues than how to 'fix' or help them. I just don't know. Others experiences are welcomed as well so it feels less weird, or I don't feel so alone in this. Edit: One more thing, he works specifically with what I am dealing with (depression, eating disorder), but my impression from him was it was more general than anything. It seemed more broad when I might need specific help in certain areas. Just thought this should be mentioned.
  17. I don't have a "safety net" yet. I have my first session with my new therapist today. I am terrified and anxious but I hope I can get something working out for once. I know it is the depression and I can't trust myself. It feels like it is not me but is me all at the same time. I don't know. But I feel like if I told my younger brother he would just overly worry about me, which I never want. Him being there and not wanting him to get hurt is stopping me from attempting anything. I don't ever want to see him hurting, and attempting would do just that. Maybe something in my therapy sessions will work, or I'll go to the hospital as I feel therapy might not be enough right now (as I am getting worse). Whatever happens, I know I have to get better. I don't have another option. If I am not going to hurt my younger brother I have to live. Also thanks. It feels weird to own up to what I have done or am doing. But, you're right that it take some of the pressure off. It is like it makes it easier to accept the fact.
  18. Get out of my head. I want to attempt but I can't and I won't. That stupid voice is making my life miserable.
  19. I am sleep deprived and on edge right now.
  20. I know exactly how you feel. My current thoughts: I sort of technically king of attempted to take my life early Thursday morning (5:30am-ish) and I can't stop thinking about it. I want to try again as I came to my senses last time. And I gave up my chance to try again last night. I keep thinking about ways to go. It's just a matter of when. But there won't be a 'when', as I am not allowed to do anything. I am hesitant too. I hate this all. (I just needed to say this somewhere).
  21. I am not. I am going to see if I can go with CBT first without having to make medication. If it comes down to it then I will but as I know I can be treated without it. (I am also quite anxious about medication in the first place and don't want to take it).
  22. I am terrified of the appointment. I know I have been getting worse. I know I need help. I know it is bad as I technically sort of attempted to take my life early Thursday morning (like 5:30am). I don't know if it was a real attempt or not or "parasuicide" or a "suicide gesture". I am not sure what it counts as. I know that I don't quite want to die but I don't want to live either. Is there a way to be in the middle? I don't know. I just wanted to escape it all, to get away. I was already quite depressed and anxious that night due to previous events. But this felt kind of powerful to actually do something for once and not feel weak for not trying. I was hesitant but it just happened and now I'm here and I'm fine. I don't think I'd ever go through with it (unless my mental state was severely impaired) as I could never do that to my younger brother, ever. But I have my appointment and I am getting really anxious about it. I had been putting off calling the new therapist for a month and a half. I did the work of finding one I thought would fit but then my younger brother said I had to get treatment and was making me call. I went to visit him last week and it was until I brought it up that I had to call. I shouldn't have even brought it up. My brother said he was waiting for me to bring it up, and I did in a spur of the moment word vomit of sorts. He forgot the next day but once the weekdays came around I had to call. I tried to avoid it to no avail. I was crying when we first called (my brother pressed 'send' on my phone, held it up to my ear, and put my hand to the phone) and it went to voicemail. I got it over with the second time and almost hung up but left a message (it was awkward). I was hesitant but answered when I was called back. I have my appointment on Monday and I am really nervous. I have seen therapists before (to which no help was given) but this seems so new to me. I don't know this guy. I don't know how things will work, if they'll work, if I even can recover correctly or have it in me to do so. I have no idea. I just am looking for some support on this as I am really anxious about this. I thought this would be easy. But I guess being able to spill everything out when thinking/talking to myself is different. I can't skip out on treatment this time. I know I need it. I am just scared. I am scared of what happened the other night. I am afraid that when things get too much it will happen again. I wanted it to happen again tonight but decided against it after a while. I find it way too early on to tell my new therapist about what happened, as I haven't even met him yet. I've only talked on the phone with him once. I just don't know anymore. And because I feel I have "double-depression", having the dysthymic part makes my mood seem like it is so normal. Everything seems normal to me. It is normal that I am always feeling the way I am. It is normal that my caloric intake is low (eating disorder) because that is what is normal for me (so a "binge" is what "normal", aka those not me, eat). I know that is irrational, but I think that way. So this appointment... I hate it. It has to happen. I don't want it to happen. I want to get better. I don't want to do the work it takes to get there really. But I have no choice. There is no "easy way out". I wish there was. On a side note, my younger brother says he thinks for once he is actually "happy". I am so jealous of him because I don't know what that feels like anymore.
  23. I always come up with the worst ideas. Go outside to the store in the rain while I'm sick. Try to purge while I'm sick. What have I been thinking?
  24. Thank you. I know explaining mental health issues to someone without them is hard. Also, I'll look up that book.
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