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RitaBrownEyes

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RitaBrownEyes last won the day on April 27 2012

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About RitaBrownEyes

  • Birthday 01/18/1991

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    Female
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    Pennsylvania

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  1. I detest myself. I hate how sensitive I am. I hate how negative I am. I hate how my life formed me into being someone who's untrusting and suspicious. I hate how I only have one friend and I fight with him constantly. How I have a boyfriend and because he did one minor thing I don't think I can trust him again. I hate how little my motivation is for anything. I hate how quickly ill turn to drugs just so i can feel normal. I hate how broken I am. How I will do almost anything for anyone else but never anything for myself. I hate how I have to change my appearance just so that I can feel I'm looking at someone else in the mirror. I hate how easily my heart breaks. I hate how I can't cry unless I cut myself. I hate my life. And I just want it to be over...
  2. For the past few months I've been developing an obsession with hunger pangs. I have a lot of anxiety and racing thoughts and when I first started to wait longer in between meals I noticed the pangs take away all thoughts and concerns. The only thing I have left to think about is eating but its a stress I control so it doesn't bother me. The more time has gone on though, the less I've been able to stomach food. I become disinterested and nauseous at the thought of eating and feel sick after I do eat. I'm comfortable with my weight. I don't care about that. I used to cut myself so I guess it's just another form of self harm. I'm scared of the road I'm heading down. I don't want a point to come where I can't eat anything at all but Im scared to let go of this as well... :/
  3. I've been doing pretty good for a while now. Moved on from most of my past. I fell down pretty hard and then pretty far. But I've managed again to pick myself up. I went into and out of a crazy, intense relationship in late 2011 and I haven't dated since. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. For a while now I've felt like I can conquer anything. And then came this boy. Ive been talking to him for a few months now. He's been letting me take lead on the "relationship" if you can call it that... And he's been making me feel pretty safe for the most part. I've been taking things rather slow but we sped up about a week ago and ended up sleeping together. Even still he's been really nice and making sure he talks to me everyday. We met because we both work in the same lot but have different jobs. He's been bringing me coffee every morning since the first time we talked. Overall just seems to be a great guy. But lately I've been thinking. I'm sure you all know where this is going. I have inner scars that have been slowly coming to the surface and just an hour ago I completely broke down and had my first panic attack since early 2012. He doesn't know much of my history at all. And I'm definitely not going to put this on him and scare him away... I just want to be able to love freely, if it comes to that. I don't want to sabotage a potentially good thing. I'm frustrated now... Sorry for the long post :(
  4. First let me start by saying I'm so thankful I have this forum to come to during such times I feel so hopeless. Previous thanks to all who shows support, I have posted about my mother before but I'll tell you about her again. My mom is a "recovering" drug addict. I've suffered through a lot of neglect for years while underage.my brother died last year while she was in jail leaving me to take care of him while he was sick before his death. Recently she went to a rehab (to avoid going to jail) but even so things started to lookup. She spend a month there before moving to a recovery house. She's been in the recovery house now for about a month and a week. Still, things looked up... Until tonight. She's here at home with one of her roommates at the house. They stopped to get a drink tonight (they can get kicked out for drinking) and arrived too late to get back in the house. Resulting in them driving over here at 2am. I'm more than deeply hurt by this. Because of her stuff before I now suffer from depression and panic attacks pretty badly. I was sleeping peacefully with my boyfriend until they came. My mom of course tried to lie to me about drinking but I'm not an *****. They walked in smelling like a bar. She lies like its nothing now. My heart has been ripped out so many times... I'm desperate... I don't know what to do... The day before thanksgiving... The whole family is going to get together and now I'm going to be miserable. I know there isn't anything that I can do and I shouldn't wrap my head around it but its so close to home there's no way I can turn my back on this... Help...
  5. Shmooey- you've made me feel so special over the time I've been on DF. You're a really great person. Both of you are right. I've been through it so many times but it never seems like enough to me. We are already together and he's been very patient with me so far...
  6. I'm tired of being neglected by the people who I let into my heart. Every time it happens I have to shut someone else out. And every time it happens I put up another wall. Now there is someone who I'm interested in and he seems rather interested in me but the thought of possibly going through this again scares me. He seems like a great listener and is very accepting of things others wouldn't be. I just wish I could see into the future you know? I don't know...
  7. I have always believed that I will die of a broken heart. My chest pain gets worse just about everyday and although I can still function, the pain is constant reminder. I feel numb, dead sometimes. My heart has been struggling, constantly anxious. All because I miss many people that I love. Some have died, some I just can't see anymore. I will continue to live my life like a "normal" person does, until this disease finally catches up to me. I've been waiting, sometimes impatiently. I've been fearful. I know it's going to happen someday. My heart will grow tired eventually.
  8. Exorcising regularly helps her, nothing else really. She isn't on any medications.
  9. My mom has that. It seems really awful. Often she would wake up in the middle of the night and have to walk around for as long as an hour sometimes. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I'm sure it's frustrating.
  10. I've gone to a behavioral center as an inpatient before. Honestly it was one of the best decisions of my life. Just go there tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and want to admit yourself. If you have no insurance the state usually funds it. It's a great and safe way to get on meds and to learn how to get back to living a normal life. It felt like a vacation to me. Best of luck!
  11. Unfortunately I cannot see a therapist yet. The government cut off funding until July so I have to wait.
  12. I was put back on meds maybe two weeks ago and they're kicking in. It feels weird, like a constant struggle inside my head. It's like I can feel the part of my head that always spoke to me telling me how much of a failure I was etc. but it's locked away now struggling to get out. I don't really know how to explain this well I guess. I know the depression is still there but its clouded so I don't really feel it. I'm happy I'm on meds I'd rather feel this than feeling depressed all the time. Idk does anyone know what I'm talking about?
  13. Honestly singing is the only thing that can really get me through it. I take Prozac 20mg which helps for other things. But singing over and over to certain songs is able to mask the pain for a short while.
  14. I have the same pains. I fear that soon it'll start to take a toll on my physical health. Many say it's possible to die of a broken heart. I've been having such severe pain there for a good time now. It's scary :( I don't know if it's normal but it happens. Severe headaches too :/
  15. Normality is an illusion. There is no such thing. You can appear as "normal" but you never know what's going on inside a person. :)
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