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Everything posted by EastDream

  1. I don't understand this. I was a happy kid. I was happy until I turned 13. ..I don't understand what happened. I just changed and now I'm 25 and I've been dealing with terrible and low moods for as long as I can remember. I just never feel good anymore. I always feel worn out and angry...miserable. Its like i have no reserves left in me. What I really don't understand is how they say talk therapy or CBT can cure you out of this type of thing. I feel like the moods just aren't there; feeling happy, alright, okay...non-agitated. I really feel like its not something I'm doing wrong, by that I'm thinking wrong. I think I'm the same person I was and that I'm coping the best ways I know how. It seems to me I'm dealing with something put on me. These foul moods and just the foul way i feel...i just never feel good anymore. I don't understand how using CBT can cure that. I literally feel like something is wrong with me....that I'm going to always be this way, that I'll never come 'out of it'. ...but i have read in Feeling Good, that though our system is sick with these thoughts and feelings..that we can pull out of it using CBT methods and behavioral actions and doing nice things. Can anyone confirm this? I really need someone to talk about this.... about what worked for them. its okay if u've taken meds, but i'm looking for someone who really had these methods work for them or anything else in how to deal with depressions and constant anger, on edge, bad moods.
  2. See now this question is on my mind...and its like i'm thinking about it all over again. like i can't find an answer. i just thought about this yesterday. and thought icame up with some good answers . but i'm asking the same question again. brain is broken..
  3. I can just ask something and then it will just linger. that feeling of havingthat question bothering me or unanswered will just stay with me. i know its related to serotonin dysfunction...because it only happens when my brain malfunctions and I am really down, depressed. but seriously... i do wonder why i get like this...i try my best to live the best life, try to be positive, eat right,exercise, hang out with friends. ... i just sink into feeling irritable and get anxious easy..its like my reserves are used up faster thanothers,and my tolerances lower. Ijust don't seem to experience any good feelings anymore. I just don't know why. everything feelsoverwhelming. what changed.
  4. Hey guys. Thanks for your responses and encouragement at this time. Yes, it is very difficult at this time. I've gone through this before many times before, fortunately, or unfortunately. And so have experience with this. i know this medication will help with my depressions, reactivity, and low moods. But since I've gotten so down and low and I have just been feeling so irritable, depressed and angry and imbalanced lately.... I also have this other problem, when i start to get real low like I am... i start to have these thoughts that stick, like obsessive thoughts. Anything can become obsessive...and often times you will just get repeated questions that whatever the mind fixates on, that don' t make rational sense to ask. but i have been doing this lately, every time i wake up. questioning my illness.. my questions are "how do i get like this, so depressed..just left off meds for too long. like why" and a series of other related similar questions. they just plague me and its like ican't figure it out. its the worst feeling. I'm trying to let this kick in,and let these questions go. The ;obsessive questions without answers are the worst for me.
  5. Third day into zoloft 25mgs. I feel completely awful. As if somebody has removed ALL of the chemicals it takes to feel good from my brain, my emotions and mind. It's no wonder they put a black box warning on these things. This is just awful, that I have to go on this ride like this. that a varying, fluctuating chemical supply in my head...is responsible (more or less) for whether I feel adequate or inadequate for that day, hopeful, or just generally have any feelings of well being at all. Various things contribute to this 'chemical supply'. as with others it is a medium for our experiences. positive experiences and sleep increase it, as does a healthy diet, exercise, feeling loved, being with friends and doing things you like to do. Feeling successful, appreciated and focused. But in some of us, we seem to be running short of this chemical, even on our 'good days', we just don't feel how we should, or used to, or more importantly know how we could feel. certain metabolic processes of the brain burn through it so we feel low, depressed, unbalanced. It's quite alarming how taking a drug that's supposed to help me to feel better, and normalize the level of serotonin in my brain available ...makes me almost not even able to get out of bed. It's messing with fire. After all. nothing happened to causally link me to why I should feel this bad. I had a good night last night, with friends. I should if anything have felt better. But I awoke and felt like hell on earth this morning. That a chemical. A chemical has the power to make me feel like I can be creative, successful, optimistic, etc etc is just very unsettling to me. that it can naturally block my ability to feel good. That the very process of my life could be determined by something no more as a chemical. And on the other end, what happens when it eventually allows more serotonin to float in my brain? Will I unnaturally feel good all the time? will i never feel bad? will it just be available in a more steady supply to be used by the normal processes of my functioning and emotions ...so many questions are raised. i want my brain to work as naturally as possible. will this interfere or help with this? But right now I feel hopeless, miserable, utterly awful and I don't even know why. This is scary.
  6. I can't believe you would all just take another med to get to "sleep". No one even stops to ask - is it healthy sleep. I have this same problem and I have this thing inside of me that wrenches at the idea of medicating myself to sleep with benadryl or traz. or anything else. i think its just fear gone out of control, but in my head its just that I would go into a "medicated" sleep, which really was a fake sleep, and not real and therefor not healthy. I'm terrified of this. Going to a doctor tomorrow to talk about this. IF i could be convinced that taking traz at night for sleep would help me get to sleep, and that it would be good quality sleep, or at least alright quality..then I'd just take it. I'm about to do just that. I know prozac pushes rem sleep into the latter stages of sleep, but you still get in all 5 cycles..though arguably less deep sleep. What I don't know is if traz would put you into a deep sleep or not. and would some chemical in the prozac interfere with that. as you can see i am becoming obsessive about this. but its making me crazy .
  7. It's not used as an "antianxiety drug". Wikipedia it - it says it right there - in depression in association with anxiety, buproprion was found to be useful. In other words, it helps depression related anxiety. I don't understand what the issues are with that. Obviously it works for some people or they wouldnt say that.
  8. the action wellbutrin has on dopamine is twice the amount that is has on norepinephrine. that's why it makes sense that people, when starting it - or like you, all the way through taking it, experience some level of an increased anxiety. The attentiveness, reward and focus traits that you've noticed make sense because they are all related to increased dopamine. It's tricky because with anxiety, norepinephrine may cause anxiety of most types, ...but so does serotonin. A lack of serotonin is implicated in Obsessive compulsive anxiety, in which the brain won't shut off and gets stuck in a loop. ..the brain is such a complicated mechanism. I don't doubt low dose (100mg) of welbutrin will help me to be less depressed, happier and more motivated. ..though that will possibly come with increased agitation or anxiety. But I'm willing to give the 2 : 1 dopamine / norepinephrine ratio a run for its money. The only problem is that still leaves serotonin not taken care of. hmmm...............maybe tricyclics were the way to go. They still prescribe them in Europe.
  9. Oh and to answer your question, I mean really answer your question , its Love. Nothing helps more than reaching out and loving or being loved..doing something you love. love, affection...the purest things. you cannot even call them emotions, they are above this. emotions are a mediary plane for manifesting love.
  10. Well, everyone's different. But this knowledge can be cross-applicable. It's more important or equal a question to ask what do you Not do, as in the case of what you do. This can be tied to a concept of mindfulness, which in conceptualization is easy to understand but extremely difficult to master in one's life. In fact it's always a work in progress and takes constant effort and attention. When I hit puberty some very awful things started to happen to me, inside my mind. A barrage of symptoms descended upon me at a time when I was entering middle school and it could not have been a worse time to coincide. My mind changed in many drastic and powerful ways. I am still coping to understand them. One can say that they were all bad - but the truth is that in this universe labelling something as something, defies the arbitrary nature of existing things in this world. I try to see things as their nature presents but neither as good or bad. Things just are, and though my changes have caused me untold misery and struggling/suffering in my life...a big part of that was that I had no understanding of how to manage. This came with no instruction booklet or pre-emptive advice from anyone who might have known. I had no one to show me the ropes or even explain what was happening. Everything became more intense and I began to become more intense myself, experiencing emotions very powerfully and worlds I thought that no one else understood the depth of my emotion. I cried often and much, my mind changed in that I began to suffer from these terrible "obsessions" or "obsession like" ideas that would get stuck in my mind. Everything was dark and it was driven. I can literally feel a very dark, primitive fear region of my brain come on board when I feel that something is just not right, I need to solve something..need to fix something..a terrible dread feeling that never leaves, and never lets. As I became older and received training I learned these were avenues I was opened to experiencing in my adult life and to allow them their space and accept them as the parts of me they are, selectively mindful and walking away; the less reactive I became, I found my brain would change tracks and soon I could make it. It was much harder. I am a pretty dark person. ..I learned to accept the strange driven "modes" my mind sometimes seems to be overtaken with..and to resist attention to these. I learned how to manage depression and low moods. Learning to love yourself and appreciate all parts of yourself for what they are is phenomenal. Seeing things as neither good or bad, but as a tree. Impartial to interpretation; things just are. Many of these dificult things aren't so bad one I learned to manage better. They have contributed to my ability and I'm convinced, are a part of my creative nature and there are things we just can't understand but we see nonetheless. I have special abilities that are intrinsically tied to these diversions in my mental state. My ability to write, draw, produce art, read and formulate complex webs of ideas are made all possible or greatly affected by these 'abnormal' traits that I have. One could say - "you have serotonin metabolism problems or dysfunction, or ..your HPA axis is all screwed up, or ...all your monoamines (neurotransmitters) are low across the board..whatever number of reasons." But explaining the mediary of something does not encapsulate the essence of that thing. In other words, the sum is greater than the parts. I don't know why the **** this happened to me or why I started to experience everything as so dark ..but it did happen. It wasn't fair. still isn't. I still sometimes feel that I am going crazy, or ask the question - what is wrong with my mind, what changed? ..I just don't know. Sometimes it seems like everything is going down to sh*t. and we have no explanation. its frightening. we think something must be wrong. maybe it is but these problems are so common across the board, serotonin related and mood disorder that I don't think in any way we are really defective. I think we are sensitive individuals with fine sensibilities and a delicate constitution..which is a beautiful thing. But it has to be appreciated in order to be beautiful, or else it will just be horrible. I do feel good, I even feel great, just not as much or as often as I did as a child...and I have many more low places that I go to than when i was a child. But I've also expanded upward. It is like an ocean. Learn about yourself. Nothing helps more.
  11. Okay I just can't understand this. I'm thinking of trying this because I think it might help with depression etc and low moods and dips. My uncle is on it and it works well for him. I just don't understand how a medicine that blocks the uptake of norepinephrine (adrenaline) and dopamine...can help treat anxiety. yet thousands of people are saying it has helped their anxiety/depression and they feel better. And in many websites its said Wellbutrin helps to "regulate" the two neurotransmitters. I love how they throw that word around, what exactly does that mean? How does the medicine regulate them. Does that mean it blocks them to create more of it? Does it even it out? How would a medicine know what the right level was? The only source I could find with a theory was this one. http://www.dr-bob.or...msgs/33406.html and this is just a theory. I'm probably thinking way too hard about this, but it just doesn't make any sense. And I don't want to take something that will make me worse. Just none of this bulls*** makes any sense. Can someone explain some of this to me? Please - I need some answers. I go to the doctor and I get - "it regulates it" . like *** does that mean? And how does raising the levels of these two stimulating NT's help with anxiety. I know that it does (that's not the issue) but ..like it just doesn't make sense.. and then when i press them for an answer, they say "I don't know". Wonderful. This article that I found is actually interesting. At lower doses it is effective for depression.
  12. I know the feeling that you are talking about. THough I am young - relatively speaking, I experience questions like that. The truth is that depression is to be treated by whatever means possible, it doesn't matter how you do it, through cbt or lifestyle, moving to a less stressful place, taking a supplement like SAM-e, or whether you do behavioral changes or seek counseling or take medications. There is research that strongly indicates depression is an inflammatory condition, that it is excess systemic inflammation. Antidepressants have been shown to be anti-inflammatory, and its possibly one of the main reasons why they help so much. I am not on prozac right now, but it was my med of choice because I felt I did not/ or could not tolerate anything else. Everything is very rough going right now for me, but I am hanging in. I chose to stop taking it because I was at a very low dose of 10mg, which was helping me substantially, i was really feeling tons better and less 'inflamed' than I am now, but really - i was. doing so well. but prozac almost completely destroys my ability to sleep. I was running into exhaustion from lack of sleep, even though everything else was working. Its terrible to have that one thing. Anyways, I'm not on it now...not on anything. I just started taking SAM-e a couple days ago and I am hoping for the best with this. Otherwise I am going to go back to prozac and, I think, take a minor dose of Traz at night to get to sleep - I hate to do it this way as I feel it is quite unnatural and am worried about my REM cycles, but, there really seems no perfect option right now. I did tolerate the prozac really well otherwise. It's not too late, depression makes you feel old and burned up, worn out and exhausted. Tired. I know the feeling and I have been feeling it off and on since the age of 13. Sadly. You can feel this way but it goes when the depression goes. Its just a feeling. A physical state. Be kind and good to yourself, treat yourself to healthy things and surround yourself with good healthy people. Work to move yourself forward in life and do what you have to. I am really struggling right now and I don't feel too good at all anymore, but I'm hoping I can maybe learn to cope and then things won't be as bad, maybe I'll find my boosts here and there. I'm also holding out for the SAM-e. Good luck!
  13. I have been off meds now, or up and down on them. I've tried a couple in the last month and neither have really worked out. Its just really screwed with my system right now and I'm trying my best to cope with my mood disorders. ..my anger and impulsiveness, ups and downs and depression and irritability, etc. I'm trying SAM-e right now as a last ditch effort to control my moods and depression. ive read alot about it and know its a powerful treatment...but i also have read it helps a lot of people and for a lot it makes them worse or they feel more anxious and can't sleep, etc. So I'm very stressed right now . I just can't seem to regulate myself. and i don't know if what i'm doing is , how its effecting my system. I'm just kind of hoping for the best.
  14. Thanks I hear you guys, I really do and I know how it sounds to an outside observer. The truth is that some of my friends may 'not' be reliable or good friends at all. The truth is up until recently I have kind of made friends anywhere and was not really careful over where I met them, etc. I think that's why its turned out badly. ..You know how your mom tells you to go to a book club to meet a nice girl? and not a bar? Well yeah... same logic. But what I'm starting to see is that I feel like this type of thing is insidious. Like that its just everywhere. This is just how people are. ..I really don't want to believe that but it feels like it. My one friend in particular, I'll call him J. I thought we were BEST friends. I mean we were really hanging out for awhile, did everything together, even slept in the same bed and watched movies all night long, etc. We were like best buds, even cried together. had many deep conversations, etc. But I haven't seen him in like 2 weeks. And right now I've been going through a 'friend withdrawal' because I've tried and its been a miserable 2 weeks no plans i've made with anybody have panned out. I've just been alone, and i was even stood up a few times by people. My best friend doesn't do this to me but I feel more than anything I'm suffereing from neglect that I feel from our friendship. He is nice to me, but we don't hang anymore and he still texts me back when i text him. but he never makes time to hang out with me and is always staying out late drinking and partying or something. He says he feels the same way but i know alot he says is just sometimes bs meant to make you feel better, i mean obviously if he felt like i did he would've made the extra effort to come see me, which he hasn't. I know his heart is good...but I can't start to suspect to him - i am just another of his 'friends' that come a dime a dozen. To me this feels horrible and I don't want to believe it. I've started to lash out and because I've suspected this. I think I'm pi**ing him off or at least annoying because he stopped responding to my texts. The truth is - he's never available and its hurting me. Its obviously not hurting him - which I can't understand. .. so i just don't understand this. and all of this stuff hurts bad. to feel all these things constantly. honestly this friendship is hurting me more than its helping (right now). He makes me so mad that I can't just see him every once in a while. Our friendship obviously doesn't mean as much to him as it did to me. Anyway I'm trying to sort of start anew and this time I AM being really VERY careful over where and how I start to meet my new friends. I am looking for sincere people who are mature enough to be a friend. Who can give and receive. Who are stable and don't like the party scene, because i can't stand it. I am almost about to join a strongman gym, which is something i've been interested in for awhile. I have a feeling I will MEET TONS of cool people there, that are also very nice. I am also going to join a choir for my church, i think. So hopefully this will get better. It also seems that none of my friends are available when i need them most. I mean how can you communicate to the person that you love that you are upset - or that I feel the way I do, so that they understand?
  15. For the last two weeks, I have been really feeling like my friends have just been ditching me. Or they have been unavailable, or irresponsible, ignoring me ..staying up late and drinking or partying, some of them, and just when I wake up to see how they are, to hang out and be a good friend, one in especially is just wasted asleep until 3pm. I've given up going over to his house to see how he is, because he just doesn't care about me. all he cares about is what he does. i thought we were good friends. I was supposed to contact and link up with a few other people over the memorial weekend, and i basically got jerked around the whole time. I ended up spending the weekend alone . these guys i was going to jamm with made a plan, then cancelled, then told me they would contact me back and didnt'. so i called back the next day and then they said they'd set something up, they didn't. so i got mad. then they got mad at me....and now we don't talk anymore. same with my other friend. we were supposed to hang out - and he just completely flaked on me. didn't call or anything. so how hard is it to have some social time? ? Of course I'm sinking into being depressed....and when I am - no one is there . No one is ever there to be found. I'm so mad at my 'friends' right now. I can't even describe it. I feel like everyone has ditched me. I've been calling others, and everyones on a different schedule. one of them has plans with his gf the whole weekend, the other one is just on an entirely different schedule. This is so depressing its not even funny. I lterally hate this place and I'm starting to hate everyone in it. I'm so sad inside I could cry. When I need my friends the most, no one is there to be found.
  16. I know this isn't related to the original post, but its yet another issue I deal with. I'm often very irritable/angry and feel that people are looking at me funny sometimes when I go out, or am sensitive that they are glaring at me or don't like me. I know at least part of it has to be intensified and in my head because this all but went away when i was on an AD. It was weird, suddenly the world was a nice place and i was smiling and I didn't see hostility or anger everywhere I went. Does anyone else have this? What the hell is wrong with me? Its coming back since ive been off meds. ...why do i just see anger everywhere i go, it leads to so many awkward situations. It seems like people are more and more just really pi**ing me off. Its getting to the point where I'm debating on whether i should even leave the apartment anymore or not, unless i have to. its just ALL THE TIME.
  17. This is very well said. It is explained exceptionally. ..thank you for this.
  18. There was another post about something similar, someone entering the professional world and didn't feel adequate or whatever. I thought I'd make a post about achievement, and achieving. I think for most of us, whether depressed or not, this dogs us our entire lives. The only difference is - for a depressed person it can be so extreme as to be intolerable. I know that when I actually look at myself, and the subconscious processes operating become apparent..its not hard to see that much of this comes from the society we live in. And from our parents - depending on how achievement oriented or hard on you your parents were. In my family achievement was everything. Especially to my father. I guess I never adequately feel like I've done enough. I know he raised us that way so that as kids and young adults, we would push ourselves to get ahead in the world and achieve the success we wanted for ourselves. But it sort of backfired. For me, it made me so depressed, insecure and fearful that all I seemed to be was destructive. I just constantly felt inadequate. And even when I have my goals being met, and I'm on a weekend supposed to be relaxing, its ever in the back of my mind that i just feel behind. Or just to achieve achieve. Its a bad feeling that dogs me left and right. It's kind of funny because, now I really deserve to feel this way. Though I didn't before. I'm 25 now and just graduating college soon. But I realistically feel I am behind. But its funny because that was the end result of so much depression about getting ahead. I just didn't do anything, or screwed up for many years. Talk about irony. But I think now I'm wising up to all this, of what's going on. Now I don't know where this achievement thing came from, I mean part of it may even be genetic, or just biological somehow. But I think I'm quite certain a lot of it did come from my parents and from the messages we receive constantly since we are old enough to comprehend English. It's literally inundated in us, engrained to feel this way. Even when I'm resting I can't relax. I constantly feel behind or that I've got to get ahead somehow. Its just this bad feeling that never stops, never goes away. I also think a part of it was that in an effort to make sure I kept achieving, my father never or rarely let me stop and just feel okay with what I had done. It's this sort of neurotic superstitious drive that I knew operated in him, and in most people i think, that makes them think the moment they ease up the pressure...or if they stop to feel good about what they have done, to just give themselves some credit, that it will all go away. I know for a fact this operated in my father. I saw it. But it had the opposite destructive effect. I think it really screwed me up in that I can't have a healthy sense of achievement or satisfaction in what I've done, or what I'm doing. To this day its hard to stop and remind myself to feel proud of what I've done, to ease up and take a break. ..I literally wasn't allowed to do this. If I did I was chastised for it, or the fear of being called lazy or unachieving was heaped on me. You just didn't do it in my family. But I think the more you are able to express pride or contentment in what you've done - the more you'll go on to do. Because it will feel satisfying and rewarding It goes on to be a positive cycle . I also won't have this unhealthy neurotic sense of constantly feeling like I'm behind all the time or that I need to be doing something else, something more.. never feeling like I can relax or even feel good. Its just so destructive that I will literally burn myself into the ground and then become depressed about that. Just what I'm thinking. By the way I'm working on tracking some of my thoughts and interrupting this conditioning operating inside myself that says I have to always achieve achieve etc. or when i feel bad for what i've done already/inadequate. It actually works and I actually feel better after i tell myself some healthier alternative thoughts. But it takes work. ..alot.
  19. I wonder about these things too. I've been feeling so bad lately that I went to see my doctor the past week. After talking to me for close to 30 mins she explained that from my symptoms I presented and my history, that this was essentially - "how I was" ..it was how my body and mind and makeup is. I think I've heard just about every explanation for depression there is out there - and nobody seems to have a clear cut answer. I've tried to convince myself it was just attitude, or environment, or whatever anything besides genes - so that I'd feel my life wasn't hopeless, i wasn't a victim of fate. I have tried to be as healthy as I possibly can. I think I am among the physically healthiest that I know. Infact I don't know anyone who eats quite as healthy as I do. I have a body and a life that many would simply **** for, and i'm told this frequently by people that love me. But I haven't dated in years and I feel like I'm barely alive, barely living. And I suffer from the depression and negativity. I think she is right. This all started happening to me after i hit puberty..and I can't explain the effects I get when I do go on an antidepressant. I feel better, I have more energy and more drive, more dreams and more creativity about the future. Its as if I'm actually living, actually alive. It's as if I come alive. And it feels great (minus the side effects). I hate depression and wish it would just go away. But we have to live with this. ..i know how hard it is. When I'm depressed there are a cascade of changes that subtly take shape in the way i interpret and feel things. It's just as if I can't be positive. If I find out my friend is going to Vegas...and i see him talking about it on fb, with his friends organizing a trip; i instantly feel depressed and resentful and sad. I think "he's going without me". or "he doesn't like me that much as a friend" crosses my mind. What I'm saying is it seems to be a negative interpretive experience that pervades my thinking...but its just how i am. i mean when left alone that is just how i tend to feel and think, normally. On antidepressants I can tell you it wouldn't affect me like that. It would probably hit me as a minor blow I could shake off and still be positive about - and think , hey I hope he has fun!..and maybe even call to ask if i could go with him. The changes your life takes based on mood!!! I do so many things when I'm nondepressed that just wouldn't happen when I feel like i normally do. It's really, really sad. I'm going to get on an AD this week because, I need it. I finally admit I need it to live my best life. To be myself. I don't know what I'll take because I've tried so many and gotten side effects from nearly all. I know I only need low doses for it to be effective - but I'm thinking trazodone. I know no one uses this as an antidepressant anymore but i can't understand why. I think it just might work, especially if i can get the XR formula. I've thought about why I can't control this stuff without medication, or if its even possible to control it that way. I just feel that there is a complex cascade of effects that I'm not sure doing CBT would turn around, like taking a med would. Meds change me and they work and I don't know how. I know studies have come out that said CBT is just as effective at treating Depression as medications are. But I can't understand this. Medication changes me in a way that is drastic..i just haven't got the same benefit from doing cognitive therapy. Maybe i haven't tried hard enough...the depression makes you not want to try. it makes everything seem insurmounting and hopeless. Like "how can I catch every single negative thought I have, or change a mindset" ...."it would be impossible" ....or " i cant get the changes i get from taking a med" ....I just truly don't understand how cbt could get rid of all the cascade of effects that depression is. Has anyone accomplished this? Can you give any advice to me? p.s. I think that depression, whether its caused biologically or whatever...is underpinned by a pervasive negative way of thinking. I don't know why all people seem to share the same ways. but research has shown that it doesn't matter the cause - addressing the negative thoughts does turn it around. I wish I knew the cause. ...its weird to think of how biology or genes can make your thinking style a certain negative way. there are some evolutionary explanations for how the brain works and for depression - that a depressed outlook is more realistic and helpful for immediate survival situations. So this can explain its adaptive existence. I don't think anything would just come around or exist for no reason. Anyway - i don't know why i think the way i do - why i interpret things negatively and 'in a depressed manner' consistently. but maybe i don't have to. maybe just working on changing it may help. seeing my own thoughts as if iw as an outside observer and generated from my brain, not from me. And though i naturally have a pessimistic style of cognition, that through work i can modify it ...and that though I may always have this pessimistic style of thinking and interpreting..with work i can maybe modify it to the point where i don't have to watch and correct my thoughts all the time - but that i can permanently change my explanatory style. Is there any research for this?
  20. I understand how you were never given it. The truth is that you have to literally fight for what you want, in order to get it. Often times people will intrude and push in on your boundaries as far as they can, to get as much as they can..their needs met, and nobody is going to know that you need space unless you vocalize it. I live in an apartment and yes, its very hard to get that space. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking. ...I don't intend to be rude to my roommate, but he initiates conversation, out of some nervous politeness, really...every time we happen to be in the same room. I just don't return it, or I will say something short and simple. I just don't feel like talking and there's nothing wrong with that. I think he has the problem in that he feels there has to be conversation every time we cross. We teach people how to treat us. I do feel like I'm going crazy in here lately, and as i said its an indicator of depression. For whatever reasons, i don't feel this way when i'm on meds. I don't have this boxed in feeling and feel as though i can handle almost anything and i'm very relaxed and still motivated. Now I feel like I'm living in a cardboard box in the city. It's difficult but I think you have to be firm. Even if it means running the risk of offending someone else. And talk about issues. For instance I might say to him - nothing at all when he tries to talk to me, or explain as kindly as i can that sometimes i just don't feel like talking. or need my space. he gets offended sometimes - but hey, that's his problem. You should try explaining to others your needs - as they won't know them if you don't. And if they get offended - hell, its their problem. Along with it is a decreased feeling i can do anything with my life, a drive forward or just that i even feel confident. How this stuff can change with a chemical - the seeming outcome of your life, your personality, is actually to me very sad. But on the bright side, at least I know i need to be on meds. I honestly wouldn't know how to address these issues w/out meds. They seemingly come from nowhere..and leave me feeling apathetic, depressed. I mean how could i get myself back to normal/healthy again w/out meds? It just seems like I'm a different person on and off them.
  21. Sometimes, i feel like i cant get far enough away from people - like they are stifling me. and others i feel like i am dying from loneliness and can just let someone in. I think that's how i know i'm headed for more depression. these feelings of feeling like i just want to 'get away from it all' are increasing. I can't seem to get away enough, is the problem. i never feel like i can unwind or be substantially alone 'enough' spatially i guess to be comfortable. i live in an apartment with a roommate, in a city. With my depression comes this feeling of being constantly cramped in. its like a maddening feeling that just builds and builds. its like your always going crazy. I try to get alone but it doesn't seem to help much, if any. its like i'd need to be out in the middle of a cornfield or out looking out at the ocean vastness to get the feeling of openness that I need. i just feel this feeling like i can't relax. ..its starting to drive me insane. and i'm never coming down from it...i just don't unwind. I guess be glad you are alone, or some ways it maybe good and you could try to appreciate where you are now? You won't always be alone. I wish i had advice for my situation as well. i feel like i'm going mad
  22. Hey yeah, I mean I just don't like the antipsychotics because I've been prescribed them before, by some really overzealous doctors.....as if they were candy. And I've had some bad experiences with them. I don't know. I mean I only took 1mg of haldol last night and I really didn't feel anything...but I feel it today. Its the next day and I feel strange. I don't know how I feel..just ..tired. I went to work out and I sweated profusely. I mean pouring sweat, that's another side effect I think. The drugs are great if you need them. What I was saying was that I just don't know if I think I agree with what she said about my situation. it seems like everyones got an opinion and their own style when giving out meds. I've had docs try to have me on this regimen before and didn't like it. An antidepressant may not be perfect. but i think its what i need. I'm pretty med sensitive, so I just need to settle on one that works. and my hunch is that one may be trazodone. ...I don't know. just feel real weird today , like the haldol is circulating my system now, since i worked out. i feel the effects just now. if you need it and it helps - then i would take it.
  23. Hey guys. I haven't posted on here in a while. I made a post in another section but that was different. I have been trying to deal with a lot of things on my own - I guess. Lately I've been so depressed and/or anxious just in general. A lot about my future or what I'm going to do when I get out ( I graduate with a BS in December). Sometimes I feel like a basket case, lol. : /. Last night was the first night in what seems like weeks that I actually slept soundly all through the night, or was able to sleep. I've been trying medication again and the small amount of prozac I've been on has really been affecting my ability to fall asleep. It's just been terrible. Terrible because the medication works pretty well otherwise. ..so I decided to pretty much stop taking it and went to the Doctor's office yesterday. I spoke with a lady about my situation and what she told me pretty much is not sitting well with me, I'm really anxious about it now. I feel like I need to bounce this off someone else. She more or less told me that first of all, I'm not sleeping because the prozac is putting too much serotonin in my system - causing me to be awake. Like I said I was only on 10 mg, and other wise it was making me feel really good. .. She also told me that I would need to be on some sort of antipsychotic med..and that serotonin wasn't my only problem. She basically explained that people with depression/anxiety, mood lability and ups and downs and sensitivity, etc.. that they have across the board low neurotransmitters. Low gaba, dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, etc. She said that an antipsychotic will 'regulate' these chemicals in my brain, and that I'd probably need one in conjunction with an antidepressant. But what she said isn't sitting well with me. She gave me a prescription for haldol, and I'm Not taking that stuff. I'm honestly afraif of it. I don't know what it will do to my body, and I care about myself and my body and health alot. I don't know if I buy her opinion either that I have too much serotonin or whatever. I honestly feel that if I just took a good antidepressant, that it would help me tremendously. Just one that would allow me to sleep and that i could tolerate well. I think that the prozac is hitting some kind of receptor site in my brain, causing me to stay up or activated. I think what she said about there being too much serotonin is bulls*** - honestly. But I mean how do you know these things? Anyway, I just don't want to mess with antipsychotics. After much thought, I've tried other drugs before and had problems. I think that I want to see if I can try and get on Desyril (Trazodone). This older antidepressant is a serotonin agonist and an antidepressant with sedating properties (especially in lower doses). I want to start taking this stuff because I somehow feel it just may be the answer for me. I feel like I'm going to go back there today and she'll maybe fight me on it. But I don't know. I mean I know myself. I've also woken up this morning and I was EXTremely anxious. My thoughts started being fantastical about my future, could I handle my future job, etc. would I hack it? would i handle the responsibility? Would I fail? There is all this expectation and fear around making it in this world and I'm pretty anxious...even though I know I should'nt be...that i'll do just fine. but ironically, the anxiety if it affects me too much, will prevent me from doing or trying anything. I just think i need to take some pressure off myself somehow. It's natural to be very nervous and unsure and anxious at a time like this. I'm graduating..life is open to me now. There are options. Its unsure. ..of course I'll feel anxious. I think just talking about it helps a little, here. So thank you guys for listening. it helps me to go through some of these feelings and talk about them. SOmehow that helps..me to not feel so alone. I guess it helps me to get through them. I'm pretty nervous. I do think that I need a medicine. I've gone a year without it and its been very hard lately. I just don't know if I buy all of what this lady says about needing an antipsychotic medicine. I'm pretty afraid of everything. I just want to try trazodone, I think, what do you guys think? Or at least another antidepressant..because I do feel like serotonin is part of the answer here. Thanks for listening.
  24. I've never particularly thought that this was a particularly good idea, ever. Even when I first heard about it, i just didn't seem natural to me..or even practical. I know there have been numerous and tons of studies proving its efficacy, but anyone who's taken a basic statistics class can tell you that there is a fundamental set of biases operating here. Beck discovered it back in 62'. And then everyone thought in the same vein since. ..as if you had to go off that premise. I've been told about CBT basically ever since I started making trips into counselors and doctors to be 'treated' for my depressions and emotional problems and moods. To be honest - it seemed nothing but tedious to me. I often wondered how anyone was supposed to track every thought they had, or even how this could be realistic. I found the divisions of 'distortions' too black and white to really make any kind of sense in that you could apply it to reality. It seems to have been just that - a classification of subtypes that didn't exist before, which suddenly came to exist afterward. Created by man. It just never worked for me. It was way, WAY too much work and it seemed out of sync with the natural rhythm of things. Its almost like you're trying to take life and break it down into its constituent parts (as if it worked that way) and then measure it and then peer review it. It seemed like - a psychotherapists wet dream. I don't doubt that it works. If you have the patience to sit there and then dissect every thought and pick it apart. It personally drove me crazy and I gave up every time I've tried it. I have a hunch there are others just like me, afraid to say it. But they're out there. .. And moreoever, what's probably the biggest sticking point I have. is that it has you focusing entirely on the negative..addressing the negative. I just find it very depressing in general. The truth is that there are many things that help treat depression, help you get over it. I started learning about the field of positive psychology and the ability of positive loving, fun and generally happy experiences have to insulate us against depression. And I find this to be a much more common sense way of addressing the problem of chronic negative feelings..which is what depression is. I also feel that depression has something to do with stuffing the self down, learning that you aren't important, that your needs aren't met, etc. It runs deeper. Anyway, just my thoughts. I embrace positive psychology and the broaden and build idea. Does anyone feel some of the same things? Do you just not get Cognitive therapy or find it tedious?
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