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EastDream

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  1. I don't understand this. I was a happy kid. I was happy until I turned 13. ..I don't understand what happened. I just changed and now I'm 25 and I've been dealing with terrible and low moods for as long as I can remember. I just never feel good anymore. I always feel worn out and angry...miserable. Its like i have no reserves left in me. What I really don't understand is how they say talk therapy or CBT can cure you out of this type of thing. I feel like the moods just aren't there; feeling happy, alright, okay...non-agitated. I really feel like its not something I'm doing wrong, by that I'm thinking wrong. I think I'm the same person I was and that I'm coping the best ways I know how. It seems to me I'm dealing with something put on me. These foul moods and just the foul way i feel...i just never feel good anymore. I don't understand how using CBT can cure that. I literally feel like something is wrong with me....that I'm going to always be this way, that I'll never come 'out of it'. ...but i have read in Feeling Good, that though our system is sick with these thoughts and feelings..that we can pull out of it using CBT methods and behavioral actions and doing nice things. Can anyone confirm this? I really need someone to talk about this.... about what worked for them. its okay if u've taken meds, but i'm looking for someone who really had these methods work for them or anything else in how to deal with depressions and constant anger, on edge, bad moods.
  2. See now this question is on my mind...and its like i'm thinking about it all over again. like i can't find an answer. i just thought about this yesterday. and thought icame up with some good answers . but i'm asking the same question again. brain is broken..
  3. I can just ask something and then it will just linger. that feeling of havingthat question bothering me or unanswered will just stay with me. i know its related to serotonin dysfunction...because it only happens when my brain malfunctions and I am really down, depressed. but seriously... i do wonder why i get like this...i try my best to live the best life, try to be positive, eat right,exercise, hang out with friends. ... i just sink into feeling irritable and get anxious easy..its like my reserves are used up faster thanothers,and my tolerances lower. Ijust don't seem to experience any good feelings anymore. I just don't know why. everything feelsoverwhelming. what changed.
  4. Hey guys. Thanks for your responses and encouragement at this time. Yes, it is very difficult at this time. I've gone through this before many times before, fortunately, or unfortunately. And so have experience with this. i know this medication will help with my depressions, reactivity, and low moods. But since I've gotten so down and low and I have just been feeling so irritable, depressed and angry and imbalanced lately.... I also have this other problem, when i start to get real low like I am... i start to have these thoughts that stick, like obsessive thoughts. Anything can become obsessive...and often times you will just get repeated questions that whatever the mind fixates on, that don' t make rational sense to ask. but i have been doing this lately, every time i wake up. questioning my illness.. my questions are "how do i get like this, so depressed..just left off meds for too long. like why" and a series of other related similar questions. they just plague me and its like ican't figure it out. its the worst feeling. I'm trying to let this kick in,and let these questions go. The ;obsessive questions without answers are the worst for me.
  5. Third day into zoloft 25mgs. I feel completely awful. As if somebody has removed ALL of the chemicals it takes to feel good from my brain, my emotions and mind. It's no wonder they put a black box warning on these things. This is just awful, that I have to go on this ride like this. that a varying, fluctuating chemical supply in my head...is responsible (more or less) for whether I feel adequate or inadequate for that day, hopeful, or just generally have any feelings of well being at all. Various things contribute to this 'chemical supply'. as with others it is a medium for our experiences. positive experiences and sleep increase it, as does a healthy diet, exercise, feeling loved, being with friends and doing things you like to do. Feeling successful, appreciated and focused. But in some of us, we seem to be running short of this chemical, even on our 'good days', we just don't feel how we should, or used to, or more importantly know how we could feel. certain metabolic processes of the brain burn through it so we feel low, depressed, unbalanced. It's quite alarming how taking a drug that's supposed to help me to feel better, and normalize the level of serotonin in my brain available ...makes me almost not even able to get out of bed. It's messing with fire. After all. nothing happened to causally link me to why I should feel this bad. I had a good night last night, with friends. I should if anything have felt better. But I awoke and felt like hell on earth this morning. That a chemical. A chemical has the power to make me feel like I can be creative, successful, optimistic, etc etc is just very unsettling to me. that it can naturally block my ability to feel good. That the very process of my life could be determined by something no more as a chemical. And on the other end, what happens when it eventually allows more serotonin to float in my brain? Will I unnaturally feel good all the time? will i never feel bad? will it just be available in a more steady supply to be used by the normal processes of my functioning and emotions ...so many questions are raised. i want my brain to work as naturally as possible. will this interfere or help with this? But right now I feel hopeless, miserable, utterly awful and I don't even know why. This is scary.
  6. I can't believe you would all just take another med to get to "sleep". No one even stops to ask - is it healthy sleep. I have this same problem and I have this thing inside of me that wrenches at the idea of medicating myself to sleep with benadryl or traz. or anything else. i think its just fear gone out of control, but in my head its just that I would go into a "medicated" sleep, which really was a fake sleep, and not real and therefor not healthy. I'm terrified of this. Going to a doctor tomorrow to talk about this. IF i could be convinced that taking traz at night for sleep would help me get to sleep, and that it would be good quality sleep, or at least alright quality..then I'd just take it. I'm about to do just that. I know prozac pushes rem sleep into the latter stages of sleep, but you still get in all 5 cycles..though arguably less deep sleep. What I don't know is if traz would put you into a deep sleep or not. and would some chemical in the prozac interfere with that. as you can see i am becoming obsessive about this. but its making me crazy .
  7. It's not used as an "antianxiety drug". Wikipedia it - it says it right there - in depression in association with anxiety, buproprion was found to be useful. In other words, it helps depression related anxiety. I don't understand what the issues are with that. Obviously it works for some people or they wouldnt say that.
  8. the action wellbutrin has on dopamine is twice the amount that is has on norepinephrine. that's why it makes sense that people, when starting it - or like you, all the way through taking it, experience some level of an increased anxiety. The attentiveness, reward and focus traits that you've noticed make sense because they are all related to increased dopamine. It's tricky because with anxiety, norepinephrine may cause anxiety of most types, ...but so does serotonin. A lack of serotonin is implicated in Obsessive compulsive anxiety, in which the brain won't shut off and gets stuck in a loop. ..the brain is such a complicated mechanism. I don't doubt low dose (100mg) of welbutrin will help me to be less depressed, happier and more motivated. ..though that will possibly come with increased agitation or anxiety. But I'm willing to give the 2 : 1 dopamine / norepinephrine ratio a run for its money. The only problem is that still leaves serotonin not taken care of. hmmm...............maybe tricyclics were the way to go. They still prescribe them in Europe.
  9. Oh and to answer your question, I mean really answer your question , its Love. Nothing helps more than reaching out and loving or being loved..doing something you love. love, affection...the purest things. you cannot even call them emotions, they are above this. emotions are a mediary plane for manifesting love.
  10. Well, everyone's different. But this knowledge can be cross-applicable. It's more important or equal a question to ask what do you Not do, as in the case of what you do. This can be tied to a concept of mindfulness, which in conceptualization is easy to understand but extremely difficult to master in one's life. In fact it's always a work in progress and takes constant effort and attention. When I hit puberty some very awful things started to happen to me, inside my mind. A barrage of symptoms descended upon me at a time when I was entering middle school and it could not have been a worse time to coincide. My mind changed in many drastic and powerful ways. I am still coping to understand them. One can say that they were all bad - but the truth is that in this universe labelling something as something, defies the arbitrary nature of existing things in this world. I try to see things as their nature presents but neither as good or bad. Things just are, and though my changes have caused me untold misery and struggling/suffering in my life...a big part of that was that I had no understanding of how to manage. This came with no instruction booklet or pre-emptive advice from anyone who might have known. I had no one to show me the ropes or even explain what was happening. Everything became more intense and I began to become more intense myself, experiencing emotions very powerfully and worlds I thought that no one else understood the depth of my emotion. I cried often and much, my mind changed in that I began to suffer from these terrible "obsessions" or "obsession like" ideas that would get stuck in my mind. Everything was dark and it was driven. I can literally feel a very dark, primitive fear region of my brain come on board when I feel that something is just not right, I need to solve something..need to fix something..a terrible dread feeling that never leaves, and never lets. As I became older and received training I learned these were avenues I was opened to experiencing in my adult life and to allow them their space and accept them as the parts of me they are, selectively mindful and walking away; the less reactive I became, I found my brain would change tracks and soon I could make it. It was much harder. I am a pretty dark person. ..I learned to accept the strange driven "modes" my mind sometimes seems to be overtaken with..and to resist attention to these. I learned how to manage depression and low moods. Learning to love yourself and appreciate all parts of yourself for what they are is phenomenal. Seeing things as neither good or bad, but as a tree. Impartial to interpretation; things just are. Many of these dificult things aren't so bad one I learned to manage better. They have contributed to my ability and I'm convinced, are a part of my creative nature and there are things we just can't understand but we see nonetheless. I have special abilities that are intrinsically tied to these diversions in my mental state. My ability to write, draw, produce art, read and formulate complex webs of ideas are made all possible or greatly affected by these 'abnormal' traits that I have. One could say - "you have serotonin metabolism problems or dysfunction, or ..your HPA axis is all screwed up, or ...all your monoamines (neurotransmitters) are low across the board..whatever number of reasons." But explaining the mediary of something does not encapsulate the essence of that thing. In other words, the sum is greater than the parts. I don't know why the **** this happened to me or why I started to experience everything as so dark ..but it did happen. It wasn't fair. still isn't. I still sometimes feel that I am going crazy, or ask the question - what is wrong with my mind, what changed? ..I just don't know. Sometimes it seems like everything is going down to sh*t. and we have no explanation. its frightening. we think something must be wrong. maybe it is but these problems are so common across the board, serotonin related and mood disorder that I don't think in any way we are really defective. I think we are sensitive individuals with fine sensibilities and a delicate constitution..which is a beautiful thing. But it has to be appreciated in order to be beautiful, or else it will just be horrible. I do feel good, I even feel great, just not as much or as often as I did as a child...and I have many more low places that I go to than when i was a child. But I've also expanded upward. It is like an ocean. Learn about yourself. Nothing helps more.
  11. Okay I just can't understand this. I'm thinking of trying this because I think it might help with depression etc and low moods and dips. My uncle is on it and it works well for him. I just don't understand how a medicine that blocks the uptake of norepinephrine (adrenaline) and dopamine...can help treat anxiety. yet thousands of people are saying it has helped their anxiety/depression and they feel better. And in many websites its said Wellbutrin helps to "regulate" the two neurotransmitters. I love how they throw that word around, what exactly does that mean? How does the medicine regulate them. Does that mean it blocks them to create more of it? Does it even it out? How would a medicine know what the right level was? The only source I could find with a theory was this one. http://www.dr-bob.or...msgs/33406.html and this is just a theory. I'm probably thinking way too hard about this, but it just doesn't make any sense. And I don't want to take something that will make me worse. Just none of this bulls*** makes any sense. Can someone explain some of this to me? Please - I need some answers. I go to the doctor and I get - "it regulates it" . like *** does that mean? And how does raising the levels of these two stimulating NT's help with anxiety. I know that it does (that's not the issue) but ..like it just doesn't make sense.. and then when i press them for an answer, they say "I don't know". Wonderful. This article that I found is actually interesting. At lower doses it is effective for depression.
  12. I know the feeling that you are talking about. THough I am young - relatively speaking, I experience questions like that. The truth is that depression is to be treated by whatever means possible, it doesn't matter how you do it, through cbt or lifestyle, moving to a less stressful place, taking a supplement like SAM-e, or whether you do behavioral changes or seek counseling or take medications. There is research that strongly indicates depression is an inflammatory condition, that it is excess systemic inflammation. Antidepressants have been shown to be anti-inflammatory, and its possibly one of the main reasons why they help so much. I am not on prozac right now, but it was my med of choice because I felt I did not/ or could not tolerate anything else. Everything is very rough going right now for me, but I am hanging in. I chose to stop taking it because I was at a very low dose of 10mg, which was helping me substantially, i was really feeling tons better and less 'inflamed' than I am now, but really - i was. doing so well. but prozac almost completely destroys my ability to sleep. I was running into exhaustion from lack of sleep, even though everything else was working. Its terrible to have that one thing. Anyways, I'm not on it now...not on anything. I just started taking SAM-e a couple days ago and I am hoping for the best with this. Otherwise I am going to go back to prozac and, I think, take a minor dose of Traz at night to get to sleep - I hate to do it this way as I feel it is quite unnatural and am worried about my REM cycles, but, there really seems no perfect option right now. I did tolerate the prozac really well otherwise. It's not too late, depression makes you feel old and burned up, worn out and exhausted. Tired. I know the feeling and I have been feeling it off and on since the age of 13. Sadly. You can feel this way but it goes when the depression goes. Its just a feeling. A physical state. Be kind and good to yourself, treat yourself to healthy things and surround yourself with good healthy people. Work to move yourself forward in life and do what you have to. I am really struggling right now and I don't feel too good at all anymore, but I'm hoping I can maybe learn to cope and then things won't be as bad, maybe I'll find my boosts here and there. I'm also holding out for the SAM-e. Good luck!
  13. I have been off meds now, or up and down on them. I've tried a couple in the last month and neither have really worked out. Its just really screwed with my system right now and I'm trying my best to cope with my mood disorders. ..my anger and impulsiveness, ups and downs and depression and irritability, etc. I'm trying SAM-e right now as a last ditch effort to control my moods and depression. ive read alot about it and know its a powerful treatment...but i also have read it helps a lot of people and for a lot it makes them worse or they feel more anxious and can't sleep, etc. So I'm very stressed right now . I just can't seem to regulate myself. and i don't know if what i'm doing is , how its effecting my system. I'm just kind of hoping for the best.
  14. Thanks I hear you guys, I really do and I know how it sounds to an outside observer. The truth is that some of my friends may 'not' be reliable or good friends at all. The truth is up until recently I have kind of made friends anywhere and was not really careful over where I met them, etc. I think that's why its turned out badly. ..You know how your mom tells you to go to a book club to meet a nice girl? and not a bar? Well yeah... same logic. But what I'm starting to see is that I feel like this type of thing is insidious. Like that its just everywhere. This is just how people are. ..I really don't want to believe that but it feels like it. My one friend in particular, I'll call him J. I thought we were BEST friends. I mean we were really hanging out for awhile, did everything together, even slept in the same bed and watched movies all night long, etc. We were like best buds, even cried together. had many deep conversations, etc. But I haven't seen him in like 2 weeks. And right now I've been going through a 'friend withdrawal' because I've tried and its been a miserable 2 weeks no plans i've made with anybody have panned out. I've just been alone, and i was even stood up a few times by people. My best friend doesn't do this to me but I feel more than anything I'm suffereing from neglect that I feel from our friendship. He is nice to me, but we don't hang anymore and he still texts me back when i text him. but he never makes time to hang out with me and is always staying out late drinking and partying or something. He says he feels the same way but i know alot he says is just sometimes bs meant to make you feel better, i mean obviously if he felt like i did he would've made the extra effort to come see me, which he hasn't. I know his heart is good...but I can't start to suspect to him - i am just another of his 'friends' that come a dime a dozen. To me this feels horrible and I don't want to believe it. I've started to lash out and because I've suspected this. I think I'm pi**ing him off or at least annoying because he stopped responding to my texts. The truth is - he's never available and its hurting me. Its obviously not hurting him - which I can't understand. .. so i just don't understand this. and all of this stuff hurts bad. to feel all these things constantly. honestly this friendship is hurting me more than its helping (right now). He makes me so mad that I can't just see him every once in a while. Our friendship obviously doesn't mean as much to him as it did to me. Anyway I'm trying to sort of start anew and this time I AM being really VERY careful over where and how I start to meet my new friends. I am looking for sincere people who are mature enough to be a friend. Who can give and receive. Who are stable and don't like the party scene, because i can't stand it. I am almost about to join a strongman gym, which is something i've been interested in for awhile. I have a feeling I will MEET TONS of cool people there, that are also very nice. I am also going to join a choir for my church, i think. So hopefully this will get better. It also seems that none of my friends are available when i need them most. I mean how can you communicate to the person that you love that you are upset - or that I feel the way I do, so that they understand?
  15. For the last two weeks, I have been really feeling like my friends have just been ditching me. Or they have been unavailable, or irresponsible, ignoring me ..staying up late and drinking or partying, some of them, and just when I wake up to see how they are, to hang out and be a good friend, one in especially is just wasted asleep until 3pm. I've given up going over to his house to see how he is, because he just doesn't care about me. all he cares about is what he does. i thought we were good friends. I was supposed to contact and link up with a few other people over the memorial weekend, and i basically got jerked around the whole time. I ended up spending the weekend alone . these guys i was going to jamm with made a plan, then cancelled, then told me they would contact me back and didnt'. so i called back the next day and then they said they'd set something up, they didn't. so i got mad. then they got mad at me....and now we don't talk anymore. same with my other friend. we were supposed to hang out - and he just completely flaked on me. didn't call or anything. so how hard is it to have some social time? ? Of course I'm sinking into being depressed....and when I am - no one is there . No one is ever there to be found. I'm so mad at my 'friends' right now. I can't even describe it. I feel like everyone has ditched me. I've been calling others, and everyones on a different schedule. one of them has plans with his gf the whole weekend, the other one is just on an entirely different schedule. This is so depressing its not even funny. I lterally hate this place and I'm starting to hate everyone in it. I'm so sad inside I could cry. When I need my friends the most, no one is there to be found.
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