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tormentedsoul

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    Los Angeles, California
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    Acting, video editing, computers, video games, technology, tv shows, movies.

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  1. I am 45 and currently on disability. I never was able to finish college when i was in my 20's. I bounced around for awhile doing temp work, i also had trouble holding a job. I was never satisfied with any job i had. I eventually got a job with a company and lasted a little over a year but it was just a job not a career. I got laid off in 2007 and haven't worked since. I have no interest in finding a job or going to school or even living for that matter. i just see everyone as having valuable skills and although i do know quite a lot about computers, i don't have any skills to offer. I also don't want to start my own business, i have no idea how to run a business and i don't want to learn, no thank you. i just want to be independently wealthy so i don't have to work. Like that a****** Mark Zuckerberg, I should be him. It seems like all i have to look forward to is death. like, i'm just waiting for death. I think i won't truly be happy until i am dead. is this normal to feel this way?
  2. Hi Trying2Cope. I write a lot too when i get on a roll. About your friend who is giving you advice, it is nice that he cares enough to try to help but he obviously doesn't really understand depression and anxiety. we (as in people like us) know we have depression but we can't just "will" it away. if it were that easy then there would be no need for anti-depressants and other meds for other emotional and mental illnesses. I have heard a lot said by others that we are just convinced or brainwashed by the medical establishment into believing we are ill because there is money to be made. well this is inaccurate (although i do believe in some conspiracies) because we feel something wrong first before going to a psychiatrist. the same could be said for physical ailments. usually we feel pain first, which is telling us that something is wrong and then we go for help. I am glad your friend is there for you to talk to but i don't feel tough love works, but that is just my opinion. That intense feeling you described with the "heaviness". I too would describe a feeling i get as being intense and heavy. when i get very depressed i become despondent. I also get overwhelmed too. My emotions go into overload. I will post more soon. sorry for the late post but i am a late bird. I like to stay up late watching tv and checking things on the web. I like your posts and you are extremely articulate. talk again soon!
  3. So many things are on my mind

  4. So many things are on my mind

  5. Why does life feel so hopeless?

  6. What is the meaning of life?

  7. hi fat_cole, i am so sorry to hear about you getting fired for something that isn't your fault. that was just wrong what the company did to you. even though I am divorced with no kids and on my own, we have a lot in common. I have an IT background but pretty much all self taught. I don't do programming, just repairs, upgrades, new installs of O/S, computer/home/small buisness network security, virus removal and so forth and so on. presently i am 43 and i went to college back in 1987 and I went for seven years trying to get a degree while suffering from depression and a serious inferiority complex. it is now 2012 and i still have the depression and the inferiority complex, but no degree. i even tried to go back recently and study networking but working with ip addresses was just impossible for me. i just can't wrap my brain around the concept. also due to my depression and lack of motivation i dropped out after two or three classes. i can't even remember. however i did get A's in the classes i finished. i had too much difficulty with the class that was primarily ip addressing (however i do know how to use online ip calculators). i would do my homework last minute or not even at all if i had no idea what i was doing, and that pretty much describes my whole life. i have no idea what i am doing. i used to cheat my way through a lot of the networking classes because i don't have a passion for it and don't know what to do with my life. i thought i would like to be a network administrator but the honest truth is that i just want a high paying job where i don't have to do much of anything except watch tv or play video games or surf the web all day. i ended up dropping out and i even owe the school money which i don't have. sorry i digress. what i wanted to say is that it is probably not a good idea to go to school while depressed which of course you figured out by now. what i think you should do is to get on disability, there is no shame in it. it doesn't make you less of a person. i am on disability for depression and emotional problems. if you are on disability you can at least collect money while getting help for your depression. if you don't already have a psychiatrist and a therapist you should get one of each because that will most likely help you to get approved for disability. also you should mention that you think of suicide. even if you don't really think of suicide, mention it anyway. the more serious the case the more chances of your application getting approved. you don't have to prove anything to your family that you can handle your depression without any help and you are able to work or look for work or go to college at the same time. i am a man and there are just some things i cannot do. we all have to accept our limitations. i would say you gave school a good try and kudos to you! i too tried and it didn't work. that is why there is always a plan B. Plan B is to get disability so you can have some money come in while you get help for yourself. you can also get food stamps to help feed your family. i am single and i receive food stamps. it helps a lot. don't let pride get in the way. so many people i have come across won't apply for government assistance because they are embarrassed or something. i think starving to death is much more embarrassing but that is just me. i hope that you can find help so that you don't have to worry about your family. you have enough to deal with. you were in the military and you helped protect this great nation of ours. now it is time for you to get help from this great nation in your time of need.
  8. i wanted to say hi and welcome to to Trying2cope. you won't have to worry about anyone here giving you a problem about your depression or anxiety issues. God, i know what you mean about other forums on the web. i remember a forum on the job site Monster and it was called Vent! (with the exclamation point, i wasn't yelling). i vented how i was feeling and this one poster took so much offense to how i was feeling, i didn't even swear in my post. the person felt that people on disability are just lazy and we sit back and get paid to do nothing. well, i set that person right on how much people get to live on when on disability and i showed them they know absolutely nothing on mental illness. i remember the poster trying to compare my difficulties with Steven Hawkings difficulties. i had to teach this person how depression and mental illness are much different than physical illness. the person was trying to say that Steven hawking has a disabiltiy and was able to overcome his diffculties so there should be no reason that i can't do the same. the comparison is not even in the same ballpark. it wasn't long before the Vent forum was shutdown. i think the one negative comment i received here was from someone who didn't understand why many people here feel that we should be rich and successful like those who are internet billionaires and such. i guess the poster didn't understand why i, and others too, compare ourselves to people who are uber successful. for the most part everyone here understands. you remind me so much of myself. i too am good with repairing computers although i have never built one from scratch. my financial situation makes that impossible and my motivational problems. i am far from my family too. i live near Los Angeles and my family is 3000 miles away. my dad passed away in 2002. i only have one brother who is not too much older than me. i don't have a house, i rent a room in a townhouse and from time to time i have even been homeless living out of my car or my storage unit. i understand your dilemma with selling your home. i too often feel afraid to work again because if the job doesn't work out, i have to go back to social security and fill out all the papers to get back on disability and i really don;t want to do that either because i too hate filling out long complicated forms. it is so tedious. i have trouble doing things that are boring. my laundry piles up for months to even a year. i just wear the same thing everyday. it is just easier that way. i never finished college even after 7 years of trying. i even made an attempt to go back but it didn't go to well. i started to lose interest. i was studying computer networking but got bored when it came to figuring out ip addresses for the pc's on a network. i don't do well with numbers. if we could have used an ip calculator then i could have done better. i gave up because i was doing my assignments at the last minute and sometimes not even doing them at all. if i didn't have to do homework i could do well in college. now that i think of it, why does college give us homework? i mean when we get into the real world and get a job, the company doesn't give homework. i have worked but have trouble holding jobs. i eventually was working for a fortune 500 company by using a fake degree i got off the web and since i know software like powerpoint and so forth. i got downsized in 2007 after working there for a little over a year. i was getting bored with the job anyway, i mean really bored and depressed. i would like to post more but i have to take a break right now. sorry if i went off topic. i want you to know you are not alone.
  9. this is interesting. even though i suffer horribly from depression and emotional pain, people never suspect i do. when i get to know people and i tell them later that i have these problems, they are so surprised. i guess i am able to hide it when out in the world but when i am at home and not going anywhere i know i show it. sometimes i go days without showering and months to even years without doing my laundry. i have no one to help me do the laundry so i just don't do it. people like to think there is help available, but in reality there is no help for people with depression and such. no one to help me do my day to day things or help me make goals or help me to change my life. people wonder why depressed people commit suicide and really it is no surprise that depressed people commit suicide. I scream "help" and it is never heard. there is no one to help me. that is why my goal in life is to end my life. there is nothing else for me in life. i ask for help and get none. i don't think it is too much for someone to help me with laundry or help me accomplish goals in life.
  10. Hi Marksmith, you are not alone. I am a worrier too. I worry everyday and practically all the time. If by some chance i never had anything to worry about, I would worry about that. I'm on disability for my depression and anxiety, and i worry about if my check doesn't come. i worry about if i will ever become anything, do anything with my life. I have been this way for as far back as i can remember and i remember things when i was 4 years old, i am now 43. So much worry leads to depression and i find it so hard to relax. presently i am worried about Christmas. I don't think i am going to enjoy the holidays because i am worried about money. sometimes i am not sure if it is anxiety or depression. the two tend to merge into a big mess in me. when problems happen i break down and cry. it is more than i can handle. i don't think i can handle life. a lot of the time i wish my life would just end because of the pain inside, the worry. my life didn't go the way it should have gone. i should be happy, i should be something. my emotional problems interfered in my life. i could never decide what to do. i went to college for seven years and never finished. i gave up because nothing "clicked". i wasn't satisfied with any major. i remember my college life being filled with worry and lack of motivation, no "passion" for anything. i would not really do all my assignments. if there was a class that had an assignment i just absolutely did not want to do, i would drop that class AND if that class was a requirement for my major, i would change my major. i changed majors so many times. i think i got off topic a bit. sorry about that.
  11. I was thinking about ending my life. I just don't want to live anymore. i'm not happy. what's the point to life if one isn't happy? i'm never going to amount to anything, i'm already 43 and unemployed, on disability and there is no end in sight. i will always be depressed because i am never granted success by the biggest a*s*o*e in the Universe: God. i was raised roman catholic and stopped going to church along time ago. going to church and praying to God is pointless. there probably isn't a God anyway. if there is a God i think he has a weird sense of humor. I want to die. i don't want to save myself or go to the hospital. i just want to die. i don't think it is a lot to ask. i have no reason to live. without purpose what is one's reason to live? i don't want to work. i hate even the idea of working, except if it made me uber rich like the guy who created Facebook. actually it is his fault i am even more depressed than usual. he became such a super success and it makes me feel even worse about myself. i should be a billionaire. i hate my life. i just want to die. i will try to overdose tonight so i can be free. suicide is all i think about. i can't hold a job and have no interest in going back to school (i want to be a billionaire or dead). if someone would shoot me in the head i would be so happy. it would all be over. i could be dead and happy and feel love. i would be free. no more pain no more jealousy or feelings of inadequacy (yep even at 43 still have those feelings which should have disappeared in my teens). i just suffer in life. i guess it is just my lot in life. when people try to talk me out of suicide and i don't end my life, they then wonder why i feel so sh*tty. it feels i am only living to make others happy. sometimes i try to not give up but then i get angry because i never get a break in life. is it too much to ask for me to be a billionaire like the a*s*o*e who created facebook? i wish he would get killed so i don't have to feel bad about myself anymore. everyone is successful but me. tonight i am going to make the effort to end it all. it is not like it is a great loss. i am a waste of space. i don't do anything and i just feel pain all the time. i want all that to end, you know? i am tired of hating myself and ther eis no way i will ever like myself so death is the answer. it just makes perfect sense. i don't even want to try to live. i give up. it is what i do best. you know i used to waste my time and call the suicide hotlines but i don't even bother anymore. what's the point in calling them? they don't change my life for me and i can't change my life. i am helpless. i want to die. is it ok for me to die now. it is all i think of. nothing ever goes right for me. i want to die. i just want to die. anyway, that was what i was thinking.
  12. I have been a long timer sufferer of depression (or should i say major depressive disorder since a psychiatrist recently told me that social security disability isn't given for just depression alone (as if that isn't enough to suffer from "just" depression?)) Anywho, i digress. I have suffered from depression since roughly middle school, anxiety since elementary school. I didn't start psychotherapy and medication until high school when i was introduced to the school psychologist by my brother and explained the problems i was having. I also started going to a center outside of school. I continued going after i graduated from high school. when i was in my early 20's i remember i was standing waiting to make an appointment and my file was on the desk. The appointment person had stepped away from the desk so i thought i would take a quick peak at my file and i noticed my diagnosis as: personality disorder, major depressive disorder. It didn't state which personality disorder. I didn't even know what a personality disorder was. no one had ever told me i had a personality disorder. when i saw my therapist i told him i saw my file and that it stated i have a personality disorder. he explained the basics and said that there are many kinds of personality disorders. a few years later when the world wide web had been created i found a site that listed them and i tried to ascertain which one i could be. i read through all of them and thought none of them really fit me completely. this brings me to now and i would say that APD fits me perfectly, not because i'm a hypochondriac but because i am aware of my behavior and personal characteristics. Thank you for writing this. i am learning more and more about myself.
  13. It's not the ups and downs that make life difficult, it's the jerks.

  14. Feeling a certain dissatisfaction with life.

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